(With apologies to Steve Earle)

About a thousand years ago, in the old days of yore
I saw my first crystal in the jewelry store
In the jewelry store, when I was thirteen
I thought it was the finest thing I ever had seen

l asked if I could have one when I grew up
Mama dropped a dozen eggs and she really blew up
She really blew up and I didn't understand
Mama said the crystal is the devil's right hand
She really blew up and I didn't understand
Mama said the crystal is the devil's right hand
The devil's right hand, the devil's right hand
Mama said the crystal is the devil's right hand

I got my first crystal as a starry-eyed colt
Shines as bright as lightning but it can’t match a bolt
It can’t match a bolt and I’d soon understand
It can satiate your hunger but it can’t make it end

Then I used dark spells to get a big tiger’s eye
All my friends left me but I didn’t know why
I never knew why and I didn't understand
Sombra says the crystal is the devil's right hand
Never knew why, I didn't understand
Sombra says the crystal is the devil's right hand
The devil's right hand, the devil's right hand
Sombra says the crystal is the devil's right hand

Well I learned about some ponies in a faraway spot
Heard tell of their crystals so I conquered the lot
Conquered the lot, made them my thrall,
Made them mine for crystals and of course I kept it all
The Princess of the Morning came to stop my reign of dread
Asked me why I’d done it, have mercy, I said
Have mercy I said, you don’t understand,
Nothing sought the crystals but the devil's right hand
Have mercy I said, you don’t understand,
Nothing sought the crystals but the devil's right hand
The devil's right hand, the devil's right hand
Nothing sought the crystals but the devil's right hand

Author's Notes:

Fun fact: if Johnny Cash has recorded a cover of a song, it is invariably the best version of that song that exists. There are no exceptions.