Dearest Black Jack,

The last conversation that I had with my sister Luna, before the darkness in her soul overtook and her she became… something other than my beloved sister, was one of casual dismissal. A thousand years have passed but it is still a day that brings tears to my eyes and poisons every one of my dreams. Even Luna’s return has not eased the constant guilt on my heart and the bitter knowledge that I sent my younger sister to a place of loneliness and isolation. I have tried to convince myself that I had no choice. I have stared at the mirror for days on end and assured myself I made the right decision. I remember it like it was yesterday.

It was the morning after Equestria’s first lunar eclipse. I was still so very young at that time, so new to the responsibility of raising the sun and watching over the day. I was so burdened with the work of keeping order in a kingdom filled with bigotry, tension and confusion. I am sure that you have suffered crimes at the hooves of pegasi or unicorns, but what is seen now is nothing compared to the hatred that filed every stallion and mare’s heart. How I reveled when some new tyrant popped up and my sister and I were called to fight. If I could, I would actually thank King Sombra for his tyranny or Discord for his insanity, because doing battle with them broke the endless monotony of government duties and keeping foals in line. I was young and I craved adventure and battle, not trivial matters such as the nature of the harvest or the growing animosity between the unicorns and the pegasi.

I had just raised the sun and trotted tiredly into the throne room. There were meetings to attend, decrees to be made, documents to plant my hoofprint upon. I sat at my throne and began the tired, endless work. I was not even aware I had company until Luna gave a weak tug at my mane.

“What?” I remember asking. I didn’t even take my eyes off the scroll I was reading, which documented the encroachment of earth walker settlers onto unicorn land. I would have to settle the dispute, as usual.

“Sister,” Luna said. In public, her voice could make the stars twinkle with life but whenever she spoke to me she could barely raise her voice above a whimper. I was always annoyed about that. “Sister, yesterday was the lunar eclipse.”

“And?” I asked.

“The moon was blocked by the shadow of the planet. It disappeared from the sky.”

The earth walkers said they needed more land to support their booming population. The unicorns said that was intolerable. The land the earth walkers sought was one rich with magic. The earth walkers said that was why they needed it: their crops would grow plump and fat quicker than normal. All I could think about was how to make both of the tribes of children happy.

“A great celebration was had, to celebrate the moon’s disappearance. It was a festival!”

I remember thinking, perhaps they could share the land. During the growing season, the earth walkers could dominate the land and grow their crops. And in the off season, the unicorns could cast their spells. That would never work. The two tribes were like foals bickering. They did not know how to share.

“So… I was wondering if maybe… maybe you could go set the sun and I could raise the moon? Just for today. I can make the moon very, very bright, I promise. It’ll be as if the sun is in the sky, but everyone will be able to appreciate my moon like they do your sun every day. I mean, it’s just that… Maybe if the citizens saw it, they would want to stay up in the night and see it again.”

“Luna,” I said sharply. “We have been over this at least a dozen times. The earth walkers need the sun to grow their crops, the unicorns need the sun so they can read their spells, and the pegasi need the sun to keep the weather in order. I’m sorry no one came to your little night party but this isn’t the time for trivial matters.”

I stared at my scroll, reading it over again and again, sure that the answer was there between the lines. I decided the land rightfully belonged to the unicorns. I would just have to find more land to make the earth walkers happy. I heard low crying somewhere in the room and lifted my head just in time to see Luna attempting to push the door to the throne room open. Her magic was sparking little black blobs as she struggled to remember how to open the enchanted door. Before she could open the door, the sadness in her heart overtook her, and she started to sob openly, unable to stop the wails. Do you know, for a moment, I actually wondered what she was crying about?

I called out to her, but she managed to open the door and rushed away. I tried to give chase when I was suddenly blocked by a representative of the earth walker tribe who demanded my attention. My thoughts waned. Luna was an adult. Luna was strong. Luna was mature. Every few weeks, Luna got like this. When no pony stayed up to see her meteor showers or her constellations, she sobbed like a filly but she was fine the next morning. Tomorrow she would be fine. I was sure of it. After a moment, I was no longer thinking about Luna, but listening to the trivial whines of the representative.

The next day, Luna was no longer my sister. She was a cruel mockery of the pony who I loved so dearly. Her fears and insecurities had been given shape and she had taken a form that better reflected her nightmares. Nightmare Moon became what she believed all saw her as. Nightmare Moon was how she believed I saw her… I had to fight her. I had to banish her to another world, unsure if I would ever see her again.

The days that followed were actually the easiest. The battle had been far worse than the legends speak of. For the days that followed, my body was absolutely racked in agony, although I did not mind. The physical ache in my bones and the burns in my skin kept my mind off the simple fact that I had banished my own sister. I had failed to protect her, and been forced to take action against her. Then the toil of raising both the sun and the moon, of governing a society laced with tension and fear, kept me from focusing on what I had done. By day, I needed to be strong for the empire. I pushed my tears and the sickness in my stomach far down and never let it see the light. I assured my empire that, someday, my sister would return. I promised all her friends that one day they would see her again. Even as they withered and died, I promised them each that in the next life, they would see her. When the next generation rose, I allowed Luna’s memory to fade into obscurity in the hope of sparing them the burden that I alone was tasked with carrying.

It was only years later that I could bear to enter Luna’s wing of the castle. I had never shed tears over what I had done. That is not to say that I was callous of my sister’s fate. I told myself, again and again, that tears would solve nothing. If I allowed myself to cry, I would be admitting my own weakness. I had done what I had to do, I told the mare in the mirror each and every morning when I woke. Perhaps it was even Luna’s fault. She had broken under the pressure, and selfishly left me alone to carry the weight of the empire on my back. I found blaming her was easier.

I thought that cleaning out her room might somehow prove cathartic. It would be a chance to say goodbye to my sister. By this time, I had learned of a way to free Luna, but it would not be for a thousand years, and I wasn’t sure I could last through the following day without doing something, anything to ease the constant guilt I felt. I stepped into her room with hesitant steps. I felt weakness wash over me, but I beat it back with the same fury I used against Discord or Sombra. I used my magic to illuminate the darkness of Luna’s room, the darkness which had never subsided despite its mistress’ absence. And suddenly I found myself staring into a mirror, and for the first time I realized tears were rolling down my face. My eyes were so puffy and my face was twisted into a look of shame and sadness. Had I been crying all these years and just never noticed? I felt weak and ashamed but I did not care. The reflection was of a mare but I saw only a filly, confused and scared and all alone in this world.

What if I had put down my scroll and listened to Luna’s concerns? What if I had gathered Luna into my arms and assured her it would be alright? What if I had chosen that moment to tell Luna about the big surprise I was planning, that I was trying to perfect the solar eclipse where the moon would block the sun? Or what if I had been stronger? What if I hadn’t been forced to use the Elements of Harmony, but could have restrained my sister with my own magic and found a way to purge her of the evil in her heart myself? What if I hadn’t been so weak? A thousand questions rushed through me all at once. I was a filly faced with an eternity of loneliness, and I allowed myself to cry as if I had never cried before.

I am older now and better accustomed to the threats that encroach on my empire. The tension between the three tribes has been eased and although there are occasional hostilities, it has been years since I was called for arbitration. Luna has returned to my side. The burden of raising the moon is no longer on my back. In fact, Luna is strong enough to raise the sun, and I have actually managed to sleep in on some mornings, like a lazy colt who does not want to go to school.

When I look at the conflict with the humans, however, I am once more that little filly, sobbing in her lost sister’s room. I feel like I have failed not only my citizens, but these creatures who I want so badly to help. I always wonder, when does a situation slip out of our grasp? Had all the anger inside Luna swelled in that one night? Or had it been building for so long and I was simply too blind to see it? Was the eclipse the final straw that broke her frail heart in two? Or had some sort of nightmare entity corrupted my sweet little sister into something monstrous? Whatever the cause, the fact remained that one moment Luna was before me and the next she was gone from my care. One moment we are blissful in our dreams of helping the humans, and the next we are forced to put them down like rabid dogs.

I am quite aware of the unflattering portrayals that have sprouted up in recent months. They call me a tyrant and a puppet master. They claim that I have somehow orchestrated the entire war effort, for some insidious goals, or simply for my own sadistic amusement. Glamour spells are well within my abilities, and frequently I slip out of the castle and into the cities and towns to learn what is said about me over pints of cider. My heart weeps at the accusations, but I never allow any to see my tears, because that is unbecoming of a princess.

This war, which was not even thought of as a war when it began, has swelled into a monster that consumes all in its path. My days are filled with planning but my nights are filled with dread that the humans might somehow discover a portal to our world and inflict the same pain and misery that we have done to them. Every night I am haunted by my crimes and the sins that weigh on my heart. I would seal every portal between our world and theirs and banish this dark chapter of our history to legend, if only I could. We have passed the point of no return. I must hold out hope that an end to this conflict is in sight. Perhaps tomorrow. Perhaps the day after that, or the day after that. I must hold out hope that the conflict can be resolved, and both the humans and us ponies will be better for it.

Perhaps I am a tyrant. Perhaps some part of me seeks to rule over the humans just as I rule over ponies. Or perhaps I am just an idealistic filly who cannot recognize when to give up. I cannot give up now, though. Even if I must carry on with the war, I must continue, or all that has been lost will have been for nothing. I must hold out hope that an end is within sight, and a better day will soon be dawning.

As I look at all I have put down, I must admit I doubt this letter shall ever escape my desk. The citizens look to me for strength. I am the light in the darkness, I am the sun of the world. You a soldier of the empire, but you can drop your spear and remove your armor, and return to your life as a workhorse. How I envy you. I cannot remove my crown. The weight upon my back is great but my body has been conditioned through millennia to endure it. Someday, I shall step down. Or, more likely I shall finally confront the conflict that I cannot settle. Luna shall take my place, or Cadance, or Twilight Sparkle and her many friends. Or perhaps you shall rise, and take your place as a king of an empire. If nothing else, I can take solace that there are ponies like you, who are willing to question my motives and who give me a reason to fight. An eternity in this world, I forget... certain things. Bless my sister, and bless Twilight Sparkle and her friends. They remind me of why I raise the sun each day.

I thank you, Captain Black Jack of the Ninth Lunar Battalion. If nothing else, it has been cathartic to put these emotions, housed so long inside me, down on paper. Perhaps I can seal them away and continue forth.

With love in my heart, for you and all my children,

And infinite gratitude for all you do,

Princess Celestia

Author's Notes:

Long time coming, but Celestia's letter back to Black Jack. I wouldn't mind making a series out of these, using the letter format, so if you have further ideas, let me know.