Twilight Researches Humans
by BronyWriter
First published
Twilight stalks Ponyville's resident human, TD, to find out more about his hands
TD Harrison Powell, the human that first came to Equestria in No, I am NOT a Brony, GET ME OUTTA EQUESTRIA!!! has been in Ponyville for about three months when Twilight realizes something interesting: she doesn't really know that much about humans and how they work. Sure TD is receptive to her interviews for the most part, but he can't tell her everything and she wants to find out about how he acts casually.
So she decides to stalk him for science!
This is a little one-shot I decided to make while I'm waiting for my pre-readers to get the next chapter to me. This is canon and isn't supposed to be taken seriously at all.
Inspired by, but not ripped off of, Mood Wings
Well Hello, Mr. Human.
"Do you think he'll be mad if he finds out?" asked Twilight as she paced nervously around her library.
Spike snorted and picked up a stack of recently returned books. "You know how he is. I think he'll be irritated, but not flat out mad. Besides, if you actually do it then you get to find out. You know that you're not exactly all that stealthy when you're doing your field research."
"Well there is no way, I repeat, no way that TD has TD Sense. I mean, it goes against everything he's told me about humans!"
Twilight Sparkle groaned and continued her pacing. Ever since TD had come to Equestria, Twilight had been forced to admit that one of the benefits for her was the fact that she got to do a ton of research on a completely new type of intelligent being. Of course, flat out admitting that to herself made her seem rude as TD was certainly more than just a subject to study and he would likely not appreciate her attempts. His irritation would likely be exacerbated given the fact that it hadn't been more than a month or two since Princess Celestia had told him that she couldn't send him home, despite her best efforts.
Still... SCIENCE!!!
Her dragon assistant sighed at Twilight's antics and began re-shelving a few books. "You know you're never going to get back to sleep unless you at least try, right?"
Twilight screeched to a halt and cocked her head. "Wait, are you saying that I should actually do this?" she asked.
Spike shelved another book. "Not exactly, although it would help me get to sleep tonight. You and I both know that you're not going to rest until you have as much information on TD and humans as you can." Spike turned around and crossed his arms. "Not to mention that you've had your saddlebag packed for field research for three days now," he deadpanned.
Twilight blushed and giggled nervously. "Well... when you put it that way I guess a little field research couldn't hurt, right?"
"Or it could," Spike observed. "I seem to recall that last time you tried to stalk a pony for research you ended up with the entire contents of a moving truck on your head."
"Again, that was Pinkie Pie!" said Twilight. "I'm sure that a little time observing TD would hardly yield that kind of danger."
Spike sighed and grabbed another stack of books. "I guess in the end it's up to you whether or not you want to stalk him," said Spike. "But just be careful, okay? His mood has only just begun to improve and that's because he spends three days a week with Cheerilee's class."
Twilight squealed in delight now that somebody had given her permission to do a little observational work. Still, it wasn't like Spike was actually going to talk her out of it in the end.
Twilight levitated her saddlebag on to her back and unfurled a large checklist that she quickly scanned before rolling it up and placing it on a nearby table. "I'm off, Spike! If I'm not back in time for dinner it means that either I'm to engrossed in research or he's caught me and holding me in his den, demanding my notes! If it's the latter then get big Macintosh to dramatically burst in, defeat the human, and sweep me off my hooves!"
Spike facepalmed. "Good grief, Twilight, just go!"
Twilight giggled and shut the door behind her.
The Ponyville air was just as fresh and uplifting as ever. The pegasi had done a good job today for not a single cloud was dotting the sky, threatening rain and ruining the canvas of pure sky blue that covered the world. Celestia's sun shone down on her while she trotted into the center of town. TD was always somewhere around here washing windows or holding down the fort at somepony's stall. It wouldn't take too much effort to... ah-ha!
Twilight dove into a nearby bush. There he was!
Twilight poked the upper half of her head out of the bush to get a better visual on the target. He was working Applejack's apple stand right now while the farmer was off... well, she didn't know where she was but that was hardly important. What was important was TD.
She eagerly levitated a quill and roll of parchment out of her saddlebag. She licked the tip and placed an ink regeneration spell on the quill; a recent invention of hers. No need to lug around all of that ink now. She cracked her neck and began verbally dictating.
"Okay, this is the beginning of my observational reports on the recent Equestrian addition of a species known as a 'human'; the plural of which is 'humans'. Since his arrival in Equestria, the subject known henceforth as 'TD' has shown to act differently from the various Equine tribes, both in body language and anatomy in general.
"TD is a bipedal creature with appendages on the ends of his legs known as 'feet'. I would normally provide a detailed description of said appendage but I woefully have to admit that I have never, in fact, seen a bare foot--singular form of feet--before. TD keeps them covered at all times with shoes, though it is likely that he does not wear them all the time as he can remove them as he sees fit.
"He has arms that are capped off with penta-digited appendages called 'hands' while the digits themselves are called 'fingers'. He uses his hands and fingers to grasp and hold on to objects with a dexterity that far outstrips the hooves of a pony. I have to admit I have no idea if the fingers have any names which would distinguish them, so I shall provide some."
Twilight tapped the end of the quill to her chin and frowned. What exactly should she call each of his fingers? They had to have names, otherwise how were her readers supposed to tell them apart? She shrugged and put quill to paper.
"Well, for the sake of this essay I will provide my own names to his fingers. The finger that juts out to the side his hand, the inward most one, I shall call The Grasper, since it is the primary finger that aids in grabbing things, the finger next to that shall be The Pointer, since that seems to be one of its primary functions, the one next to that will be The Strengthener, as it is the finger that strengthens his hold on an object, the one next to that shall be The Backup Strengthener, and the one at the end shall be The..."
Twilight sighed but reasoned to herself that she could always think up better names after more observation. "The End Finger," she finished lamely.
She took a deep breath and turned her attention back to TD who was idly looking around the town square, waiting for customers to serve or Applejack to relieve him of his post. He took a deep breath, and placed the palms of his hands on the upper edges of the stall and leaned back.
"Incredible! It seems that TD can use his hands and arms not just to aid him in grasping objects, but also for support. They seem to be strong as well given that they can support a fair amount of his weight. It appears that they can also rotate backwards as he is not leaning his weight forwards to balance himself, but backwards."
TD sighed and straightened back up causing Twilight to nervously duck back in the bush. The noise of rustling leaves caused TD to perk his head up a little more and look straight at the bush, making Twilight a little nervous. Had he seen her? What would he do if he had? Oh he'd be mad, wouldn't he? Twilight took a quiet breath and waited to see if the human would come over.
To her immense relief TD shrugged and turned his attention to the apple stand. Twilight breathed a sigh of relief and levitated her quill and parchment once more.
TD cracked his neck and began bobbing his head slightly much to Twilight's confusion. To cap it off, TD started singing one of the songs from his home world! Twilight had to hold back a squeal of delight as TD hadn't shared many of them with her. To add to her excitement, it was one that she hadn't heard before! She swiveled her ear to hear the human song and brought the quill tip to the paper.
"Oh the shark babe, has such teeth dear, and he shows them pearly white.
Just a jackknife has old Macheath dear, and he keeps it out of sight."
TD then raised his hand to his waist and pressed his Grasper and Strengthener fingers together before quickly rubbing them together so his Strengthener hit his palm creating a sort of snapping noise. Twilight was elated to say the least and eagerly turned her attention towards her parchment and quill. "The subject TD is using his Strengthener and Grasper finders to create a sort of snapping noise to a musical beat! It's almost like some sort of bodily instrument that is built into his hands! I must ask Spike if he can recreate such a noise later."
At that moment Applejack walked back up to the stand. TD turned around to greet the apple farmer and the few exchanged a few pleasant words before TD took his too small apron off and left the apple stand.
"The subject is on the move. I must follow him!"
When TD was far enough away from the bush, Twilight leaped out of it and 'stealthily' tip-hooved behind her object of study.
* * * *
The rest of the day provided an absolute gold mine of information for the unicorn. She observed TD doing things such as tying a string for a fishing pole and tying balloons for a Pinkie Pie party later that afternoon, which Twilight was looking forward to, and she even saw him flip a coin in his hands. That was her favorite part even though she had seen Spike do something similar once in a while.
Eventually TD was done with work for the day and he trekked back to his simple home, much to Twilight's chagrin. She had no guarantee that he would be in a place where her see-through-walls spell would be able to help her! What if TD took one of his random naps and his hands didn't do anything?
"No, Twilight, you mustn't think like that. Even if he doesn't do anything, you've still gotten a gold mine of information from him today. I mean, the snapping thing alone was amazing! Still, I suppose that it wouldn't hurt to try to see if I can get a little more information out of him today. There's nothing wrong with trying."
Twilight held back a little when TD unlocked the door to his house and walked inside. Twilight was careful to note the way he grasped his keys and the door handle, but she rolled up the scroll and put the quill inside before moving over to a wall opposite the door. She fired up her horn as quietly as she could and the solid image of the wall in front of her melted away as if it were made of ice and she had a full view of inside TD's home. she felt a little guilty for invading his privacy like that but it was for science! She had to do it if she was going to learn about his hands in a natural manner.
To her surprise TD was sitting as his desk with a pencil in one hand and the other steadying the paper he was writing on. Twilight made a few more notes on the manner in which he was holding the pencil but... he was just sitting there writing something. Or he could be grading something for Cheerilee. Either way his hands weren't doing anything different.
Twilight's stomach growled at that moment and she looked down at it. "Oh yeah, I haven't eaten at all today." The unicorn slowly nodded and used her magic to put her scroll and quill back into her saddlebags. She powered down the spell and the image in front of her faded back into a wall. She took a deep breath and quietly trotted away to find the closest restaurant. Hay fries sounded amazing right now.
* * * *
Twilight walked back into the library an hour later, her stomach content with the hay fries and veggie burger she had recently consumed. Combined with all of the data she had obtained on TD's hands, it was turning out to be a pretty good day.
"Spike, I'm back. did anything interesting happen while I was gone?"
"Not much but you have a letter from TD. He came by about fifteen minutes ago to deliver it and he told me to tell you something when you got back and read it."
Twilight frowned and put her saddlebags on a nearby table. Surely he hadn't noticed that she was there. She had been very sneaky; much more than she had with Pinkie Pie. Plus he certainly didn't have TD Sense. That would... that would be silly, right?
With trepidation, Twilight levitated the proffered letter over to her and opened it with her magic. Inside was a bunch of folded scrolls. Twilight levitated the first one in front of her and began reading.
The study of the Twilighticus Sparkleicus By TD Powell
The aforementioned unicorn specimen is one of the oddest creatures in the Equestrian kingdom. It continually takes a keen interest in other species and record the goings on of said other species without really saying anything interesting or relevant. What's more amusing is the fact that it thinks that it is being stealthy and quiet during its observations but in reality is makes about as much noise as an elephant trudging through a pile of sticks with drums attached to its legs.
Twilight looked up from the scroll in horror. "Spike," she whispered but her dragon companion motioned for her to continue. Gulping, she returned to the parchment.
What's odd about the unicorn in question is that on top of the noise that it makes physically, one can tell that such a creature is around by the scratching sound that it makes when its quill comes into contact with its paper. It may be a mating call in other scenarios but in any case it certainly denotes interest. If you hear such a noise around you it means that you are the object of its attention. There is no word yet on whether such attention indicates physical desire, but I intend to do more study in a stealthier manner than the creature itself. Indeed, the Twilighticus Sparkleicus will never know when I am behind it, watching, waiting. It might go to bed at night and wonder if I'm going to sneak in and watch it sleep while recording its nighttime habits. It's a pity actually. We could have avoided this in the first place if it had just asked me to be its object of interest instead of stalking me. It would have been less awkward for her, that's for sure.
Twilight let out a quiet whimper and looked up from the scroll. "Oh dear," she whispered.
"There are another five pages of that," Spike admitted. "And like I mentioned before, he told me to tell you something."
"What?" asked Twilight, afraid of the answer.
Spike looked uncomfortable now which made Twilight almost keel over right then and there. "He... he may have bribed me with a sapphire to send a copy of those notes to Princess Celestia. Actually there's no 'may have' about it because he did."
'I'm dead', thought Twilight. 'I can never look at him the same way ever again. I might have to move away just to get away from him.'
"And this all could have been avoided if you had just asked me about my hands earlier," said a voice from behind Twilight. The unicorn wheeled around to see TD come out of the kitchen.
"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that too," said Spike.
TD looked at the stunned unicorn with a look of grim satisfaction on his face. he walked over to Twilight and leaned down so their noses were almost touching. "Was it worth it?" he asked.
Twilight blinked twice to clear some of the shock out of her head before answering. "N-Not really," she whispered. "Actually maybe it was."
"Well good," said TD, straightening up. "I hope you'll ask me next time."
With that, TD walked out of the library leaving the stunned librarian alone to reboot her brain.
Suddenly, Spike's cheeks bulged out and he burped flame making a letter materialize in front of him. He picked it up and examined it. "It's from the princess," he said.
"Eep!" said Twilight but despite her fears she levitated the scroll in front of her and began reading.
My most faithful student,
...what?
Celestia POV
Princess Celestia was sitting at her dinner table after a long session of the Solar Court. It was a particularly taxing day of nobles demanding that she give them more money and the poor asking for little bits to improve their lives. The most interesting pony for sure was the one who gave what he called 'a modest proposal' to bake newborn foals into cupcakes to solve both the hunger issue and the overpopulation issue. She was pretty sure he was being sarcastic though.
But she was done with that, thank herself, and enjoying a nice bowl of celery soup with a trio of slices of garlic bread resting on a plate beside her. She had to admit that she was looking forward to the cake that came after dinner as she only treated herself to the dessert once a month.
As she continued to politely drink her soup, Luna walked in with her mane disheveled in the usual manner that came from being asleep for the day. She sat down on the chair to Celestia's right and scratched her chest with a yawn. "Good morning, sister, how was court?"
Celestia sighed and put her soup spoon down. "Taxing as always," she replied. "Some days I want to hire Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash to play a bunch of pranks on the stuffy nobles that always come in here asking for petty things that will go to improving their already wildly privileged lives." Celestia frowned slightly as the idea seemed more appealing by the second. "In fact, I may just do that."
Luna giggled and helped herself to one of Celestia's garlic bread slices. "That does sound like a lot of fun," she said. "Just make sure We are awake before you undertake such an endeavor. To see a bunch of stuffy nobles humiliated in such a way... well, it would give us strength to endure them for a little while longer."
"It is my wish to sentence some of the stuffier ones to work the fields at Appleloosa for a month and then see how they act upon their return. I don't doubt that the settlers and buffalo would whip them into shape by the end or at the very least they'd enjoy seeing Prince Blueblood fall in the mud."
"We would enjoy that as well, dear sister," said Luna, taking Celestia's second slice of garlic bread.
"As would I," said Celestia, barely stifling a giggle.
As Luna polished off the second piece of bread, she leaned back in her chair slightly and frowned as if a thought struck her. "So, how is TD Powell doing, do you know?"
Celestia's slight grin faded and she took a deep breath. "Twilight has been sending me reports sporadically about his condition," she said. "Apparently his mood has begun to improve as he spends a lot of his time with the schoolfoals. Although there is an oddity that she brought up."
"And what is that, sister?"
"He seems to spend a lot of time at the library doing research, but he won't tell Twilight what he is researching. It's odd, but she thinks he is planning something, something potentially dangerous at that. The most curious thing is that he is silent when Twilight questions him on it. I'm inclined to believe that he is planning something too based on that information."
Celestia, deciding to eat her garlic bread before Luna got to all of it, looked down at the plate and was dismayed to see only crumbs. Looking up at her sister, she saw her wiping a few crumbs off of her muzzle. The night princess spun her hoof in a 'go on' gesture and Celestia decided not to push the issue.
"I suspect that my student will find out what TD is up to in time, but what do you you suggest we do about it in the meantime? Should we interfere or ask Twilight to find out what he is doing? I am unsure of whether or not it is dangerous to him and those around him."
Luna shrugged. "We are unsure since this is the first We have heard about it," she said. "Yes TD has acted violently in the past, but has he ever shown ill will towards any but you?"
Celestia shook her head. "No, and that's what makes me think we shouldn't get involved. The other side of me wonders if what he is planning us unintentionally dangerous." The sun princess sighed and closed her eyes. "I'm just not sure of what to do with that human. He's been an oddity ever since he arrived here and now that I have informed him that he can't go back I do not know what to do with him."
Opening her eyes, Celestia looked down at her bowl of soup and was surprised to find it completely empty. She looked up at Luna who was dabbing her muzzle with a napkin. The night alicorn once again swiveled her hoof to tell her sister to go on but Celestia instead levitated a bell into the air and rang it. Immediately a servant came in with a large piece of vanilla cake with a raspberry filling on a plate. He placed it in front of Celestia and bowed before taking his leave. Celestia rubbed her hooves together eagerly and was about to take a bite of the delicious cake when a series of scrolls popped into existence in front of her.
"Ah, that must be from Twilight," said Celestia. She put down the fork and opened the first scroll. As she scanned its contents, her smile faded with each passing second as her confusion rose. Luna noticed and cocked her head. "What is it, sister?" she asked.
Celestia finished reading the first scroll and opened the second which only served to confuse her more. "I'm not sure," she said. "It seems that somepony sent me a fake scientific study on Twilight, but I can't imagine who would do such a thing. It's not saying who did this or why."
"What does it say?" asked Luna.
"Well take this segment for instance," said Celestia. "The Twilighticus Sparkleicus makes its home amongst the bushes of the area that it has marked as its territory while studying a subject. One can tell which bush the unicorn specimen in question is residing in because you can see its horn poking out of the top of the bush. If you are really lucky, you can see its horn glowing as it sounds its mating call of a quill scratching on parchment. To the knowledge of the writer, the mating call has never worked before and, in fact, only serves to drive its subjects away."
Luna frowned and took one of the scrolls and began reading while Celestia put the scroll down and summoned a piece of paper and a quill over to her and wrote down a short letter before turning back to her sister. "It is most odd, would you not agree?"
"We would agree," said Luna. "We were unaware that Twilight used mating calls at all. Would it not be simpler to simply walk up to the pony of her desire and ask to be mounted and rutted until she couldn't see straight on the spot than to stalk them and scratch parchments with quills? We have never heard such a thing."
Celestia smirked slightly at her sister's joke and decided to properly dig into her cake. However, when she looked down she saw a plate that was completely clean. no crumbs, no raspberry residue left, nothing. It was as if a wonderful slice of cake hadn't rested on the plate at all.
Celestia slowly turned her head to look up at Luna, a fire in her eyes that few had ever seen before. Her eye twitched as she took a deep breath. "Luna, may I have a talk with you about eating the royal cake that I have waited a month to have? You know that I only have them make a single slice for me so that I don't get greedy and eat more than that."
Luna scoffed and stood up from her chair. "As we would imagine TD Powell would say in this situation: nope."
With that, the lunar goddess walked out of the dining hall, leaving her sister to look dejectedly at the empty plates and bowls.
Author's Notes:
Decided to add a Celestia POV because a few people asked for a bit more.