Note to Self

by IJAB

Chapters

February 14th
February 15th
February 16th
February 17th
February 18th
February 19th
February 20th
February 21st

February 14th

It's Hearts and Hooves Day today, and I don't have a very special somepony. Next week marks one year since Diamond Tiara moved away, and she hasn't sent me a letter in months. I've never felt more alone, or more depressed. I'm so sick and tired of being alone all the time... I miss her so much, but I don't think she's ever coming back to see me. I don't even think she remembers me.

I wish I had somepony to talk to, something other than this journal. My parents hardly notice I'm alive, and my teachers only care about my grades or if I need help with school-work. There's nopony to turn to for comfort and it just isn't fair! Something has to change, I really need to make a change in my life, because I can't live like this anymore.

I need a friend.

February 15th

It started snowing again last night, making for the worst Hearts and Hooves Day in history. I think the schools are going to be closed yet again. I can't remember the last time the winter was this harsh, but it has to let up soon. I can't wait for spring. Maybe this year I can play outside with other ponies, maybe make some friends. I don't know why it's so hard for me to interact with them. It's like they flip a switch in my mind that just makes me hate them. I hope I can learn to control it, because I really don't hate anypony.

Other than myself.

February 16th

The sun came out this morning for the first time in what feels like an eternity. Sparkling white snow still blankets everything in sight from my bedroom window, and I saw some ponies out playing in it. It looked like Scootaloo and her stupid friends. I'm surprised those three still hang out now that they have their ugly cutie-marks. I just hope they keep it down, I don't want to hear their irritating laughter permeating my walls.

...Okay I'm going outside to befriend them. Wish me luck.

I'm worthless. I don't know why I even bother trying, I don't think my mind is built to be able to make friends who aren't equally as perfect as I am. I mean honestly, Diamond was completely perfect. Why can't I just find another pony like her to be friends with?! Why is life so hard?!

I'm to blame.

February 17th

Today's a new day, and I have high hopes. We'll just pretend yesterday never happened. I'll go outside, find those three, and apologize for being so rude yesterday, no matter how funny it was. Scootaloo is NOT an unwanted orphan, Sweetie Belle does NOT look like a cheep prostitute, and Apple Bloom ISN'T an inbred farm-mule. I just hope that horrible, insufferable freak Twist isn't around today. I couldn't handle it. Not today.

Once again, I never fail to disappoint myself. I met up with those three and made my apology, but not as smoothly as I would have liked to. I kind of just blurted out that I was sorry and ran away. I dropped my glasses in the snow and was forced to dig around for them. I have never felt so humiliated. They just stared at me and chuckled while I wiped the snow from my coat.

I give up.

February 18th

Is it possible that I'm being punished by Celestia's all-reaching magic? It makes sense to me. I spend my younger years treating ponies like garbage, now I'm forced to feel like garbage, no matter what I want. Being perfectly honest with myself, I don't deserve their friendship.

I don't deserve anything.

February 19th

February 19th.

It snowed again last night, and it's still snowing now. I spent the last few hours just staring out my window at the various ponies rushing through the bad weather, the animals trudging the the high drifts, the bare trees reaching their limits as heaps of white fall from their limbs. I think I'll spend a few more hours watching my world become a black white slate of endless white. Maybe I'll write a letter to Diamond.

I do miss her so.

February 20th

I woke up this morning to the sound of pegasi frantically zipping through the snow clouds, forcing them apart and allowing them to disperse into the air. I heard something about some kind of mistake at the weather factory, but I didn't really care enough to pay too much attention.

Today I'm officially fourteen years and one month old... I don't even know why I'm awake right now. I think I'll go back to bed for a few more hours.

It's too cold to write.

February 21st

February 21st.

I woke up today with tears flowing down my cheeks. It was today one year ago that Diamond left for Manehatten with her father. That day, the worst day of my life is stained on my mind. I'll never forget the look of utter sadness on her face as she boarded the train, the warmth of her hoof as it let mine slip to the ground, or the lone tear drop she left for me lying on the concrete of the station platform. On that day she took with her my life as I knew it. She took with her my smile, my warmth, my love, my world.

I wonder what she's doing. I hope she's a lot happier than I am. I'm sure she is, I mean, Manehatten is a great city and she was always going on about how much she wanted to live there. I don't see why she wouldn't be happy. I wish I could have gone with her. I'd give anything to

I can't think about that. She's gone and I'm on my own now. The best I can do is send a letter and hope. I'm not sure what to even say to her at this point, I have no idea who she is or what she's on about anymore. It's just been so long. It feels like... it feels like...

The last thing she said to me still rings in my ears, playing in an endless loop for my depression to feed upon.

"It won't be forever."

The lie of the century.