Nix immediately dropped to one knee and twisted his upper torso violently, lowering his center of gravity and sending the pink blur sailing through the air. He instinctively reached for his black pistol to deliver the coup de grace to his now airborn assailant, and cursed inwardly when he remembered his weapons had been confiscated. In milliseconds, he had charged enough lifeforce through his limbs to leap forward and deal with his attacker by hand, before his concentration was interrupted mid-leap.

“Wheeeeee!” the pink horse-thing exclaimed as she tumbled through the air, her hooves pressing off the forcefield and sending her into a graceful tumble along the ground before landing on all four limbs, unharmed. Nix merely collided with the forcefield face-first, and slid down its edge like an insect on a windshield.

“Goddamn fucking horses,” he blurbed in a muffled voice as he picked himself up off the ground, his broken jaw slowly healing. The high-pitched tittering behind him made him wince as he turned towards the sound.

“We’re not horses, silly-filly! We’re ponies!”

His lifeforce sputtering, removing his ability to destroy this entire world in frustration and annoyance, he instead simply regarded the pink thing that mauled him. She—’again, making gender assumptions, so sloppy’—was, well, pink. She was host to a poofy mane, with errant strands popping out everywhere like some sort of crazy old cat-lady. Her eyes were squinted shut and her mouth upturned in the biggest shit-eating grin he had seen in at least 300 realities. Alright, not a threat, just weird.

“Uh...” he grunted eloquently.

“Oh, hi! My name’s Pinkie Pie and I’m totally a mare and you’re new here and I normally throw a party for newponies but you’re not a pony so maybe I shouldn’t but I will anyway and we’ll be good friends and omigoddess what are those things at the end of your forelegs they look like Spike’s claws—ooh, are they hands?! Iron Will had hands!—and you don’t have hair except for a mane and I guess that’s okay because you’re an alien but it’s still weird and this dungeon is pink and that’s so weird and I think ironic but I always confuse ironic and coincidental and just happenstance but I’m sure aliens have completely different ways of looking at things just like it’s okay that you slept for 3 days and-”

'3 days?!' he thought, clenching his jaw. He was going to have to figure out what was damming his power posthaste.

The “pony” wheezed sharply as she gathered more breath for her next verbal assault before Nix muttered, “Oh, for fuck’s sake, no one likes a blatherskite.” He mentally thanked the passed out unicorn in the corner for the more expansive lexicon of insults he had copied from her brain.

The pony deflated immediately, appearing as though she had slammed into a wall harder than Nix had just tried to toss her into the forcefield. ’Oh, Christ. You will not feel guilty about this.’

To his credit, he really didn’t feel a single lick of shame at all. ‘Well, that was easy.’Numberless run-ins with all the realities’ locals had acclimated him to the pleading tears of its inhabitants. Instead, he just stared at the pink pony numbly and said, “So, did you slip an introduction into all that rambling I mostly ignored? The name’s Nix.”

Pinkie’s sadness immediately evaporated and the squinty-eyed grin returned. “MY NAME’S PINKIE PIE AND WE’LL BE THE BEST FRIE-”

“Just shut the fuck up, will you?” Nix sighed. Deflated Pinkie returned. “I ask you for a simple name and you already try to go off on some irrelevant fucking tangent that I don’t give two shits about. And this after trying to fucking tackle me when I’ve never seen you before in my life. All of you horses, ponies, whatever are fucking crazy.” He tested his lifeforce again, knowing before he did that nothing had changed. He needed it, though. He had to get off this fucking rock and continue his search for his sisters.

“Pinkamena Diane Pie.”

Summoned from his ruminations over his own predicament, he simply responded blankly, “What?”

“Pinkamena Diane Pie,” replied the pink pony. “Most ponies call me Pinkie, but that’s my full name.” Her response was subdued and 11 shades of pensive. Nix actually started to feel a bit guilty at her rapid shift in emotion.

“Well, that’s more my speed, Ms. Pinkamena-”

“Pinkie.”

“Ms. Pinkamena-”

“Pinkie!” the mare exclaimed animatedly.

“I won’t remember you after this unless you’re 'Ms. Pinkamena'.” He jutted his index finger towards his forehead. “Limited space means I have to get creative with the nicknames.”

“But that makes no sense. ‘Ms. Pinkamena’ is longer than ‘Pinkie’ and--” Her eyes narrowed to pinpricks before her mouth split into a crazy grin. “Oooh, okay! I’m Ms. Pinkamena! And you’re Nixxie!”

“Nix,” Phoenix replied flatly.

“Nixxie!”

Nix sighed. “Fine.”

Ms. Pinkamena squeed. “We’re gonna be the bestest of friends!”

“No, we really won’t,” Nix deadpanned. He was considering using the weak manifestation of his lifeforce to set the mare on fire and then cackle madly. That ‘cackling madly’ thing really worked well during intense thunderstorms, when you raised your fists to the skies amidst the drenching downpour of rain to curse the gods, and the booming of thunder accentuated your exaggerated guffaws. He had done that a few times. It was quite cathartic, laughing at gods before you killed them.

“Oh yes we will, you just don’t know it because you’re all sad because you can’t control your memories and it’s making it hard for you to think but we’ll still be besties and do a lot of fun stuff together and I’ll comfort you when you forget your best friend’s name and-”

Poofs of dust shot up as Nix covered the distance between the two in less than the blink of an eye. His forearm pressed threateningly against her throat as she was thrust against the cell walls. He glared murderously at her. “You don’t know the first thing about me, but even if you know what you say you do, you also know I can and will kill you. Easily.”

“But I...I do know about it. Twilight wrote it all down here,” she meeped fearfully, holding up one of the scrolls from the still teetering mountain, her eyes wide with innocent shock. A hint of sad reproach tinged her wide-eyed stare, however. “And you wouldn’t- I mean...it wouldn’t be easily.”

Nix snatched the scroll from her hoof with his free hand, glancing at it even as he ensured ‘Ms. Pinkamena’ couldn’t escape. He didn’t understand half the symbols on the sheet, but he recognized enough that he immediately channeled fire through the yellowed parchment, setting it ablaze, before he met the pink pony’s frightened eyes.

’What, no sarcastic jibe about glue factories this time?’ a gentle thought prodded from the back of his mind, cutting him deeply. He immediately removed his arm from her throat.

“No, I really wouldn’t. Just...please don’t ever give me a reason to.”

An imperious voice behind him replied, “No, you really wouldn’t. Our princesses assure the safety of everypony in their stead.” Nix threw his arms frustratedly in the air, glancing at the growing grin on Ms. Pinkamena’s face before turning around to face the new voices.

Two unicorns, one white, one black, stood just inside the threshold of the pink forcefield. The light green unicorn he had noticed outside his cell when he woke up stood shyly behind them, trying to make herself appear scarce. He momentarily wondered how they had made it through the door of his cell without having heard them enter, but was interrupted by their introductions.

“I am Sunny Day,” said the white unicorn, her mane a simple, flowing pink. Like all the other ponies he noticed, she also had a tattoo on her hind leg, this one of a sun peeking out over white clouds.

“And we are- *COUGHCOUGH* -I am known as Midnight,” replied the black one, her leg-tattoo that of four stars in the shape of a cross. Her curly, dark blue mane almost triggered something in his recent memory, but his attempts to zero in on the deja vu was interrupted by the white one.

“And we,” Sunny Day continued, “are ambassadors representing Equestria, its two princesses, and every inhabitant therein.”

“Ambassadors?” Nix replied flatly.

“Indeed!” Midnight responded eagerly. “We have been sent to establish contact with and-”

Nix turned around, facing the pink mare again. “Pinks, you wouldn’t happen to know how to levitate large boulders, would you?”

“No, silly! I’m an earth mare, only unicorns can do that! But I grew up on a rock farm, and this one time I had to move a boulder that-”

Nix tuned her out, saw the purple unicorn was still out cold, and turned instead to the lime green one that accompanied the two ambassadors. “Hey, greenie.” She shrunk at being addressed. “Can you?”

“Can...can I what, sir?” she uttered in almost a whisper.

“Levitate large boulders of rock?” Nix asked, annoyed.

“I...uh, err...I- Yes, kind of. Not that I do it all the time or anything,” she replied, attempting to hide behind the confused black ambassador’s hindquarters.

“Excellent!” Nix exclaimed. “Tell me, what’s your name?”

Her eyes flicked wildly between the two ambassadors, seemingly seeking permission for something. The two had turned their heads to examine the object of the alien’s curiosity, but remained silent as their brows furrowed in confusion at the exchange. Finally, the white one, Sunny Day, nodded slightly in assent.

“Muh-my name is Ridge Dancer?” she offered meekly.

“That’s great, Dancie. Look, I have a proposition for you-”

“I, err, no, no propositions! I have a loving husband and family and am in a loving relationship and I’m not looking for that sort of thing!!!” she sputtered out wildly.

Nix merely stared at her, his mouth slightly open as her outburst had short-circuited his next sentence.

“Uh, no. Just no. Nothing like that. At all,” he replied curtly. “Ever.” His eyes flashed her a confused look before he continued, “It’s just that...well. Bureaucrats.” He made a point to pause here, gazing at the white and black ambassadors for a couple seconds. “I can’t fucking stand bureaucrats,” he said cheerfully, throwing on his best smile.

“I’d actually prefer having my skull bashed in repeatedly by half a ton of rock rather than deal with them. You know, Dancie, that just happened to me not too long ago, right? Having my skull crushed violently by large amounts of fucking marble?”

“You...you don’t say,” she wheezed out in a whisper.

“I’m afraid so. Terribly traumatizing, that. Appearing in a new dimension, completely lost and confused, and then being assaulted by dozens of horses-” he paused for a second, sparing a glance at Ms. Pinkamena, who had continued her story unabated and whose jibbering formed a chirpy din in the background of the conversation, “I’m sorry, ‘ponies’. And then I spent the next few moments of my over-long life introducing the inadequate density of my fragile, fragile bones to numerous, much more dense rock walls via some murder-crazed member of your military before having my head crushed repeatedly by a very, very large boulder-”

“I- I-” Ridge Dancer meeped, her face buried in her hooves.

“-and, to be completely honest, I’d much rather repeat the process a hundredfold than deal with a bureaucrat,” Nix concluded simply. “So, think you could save me from my dire fate with these two here?”

Ridge Dancer merely cowered, trembling violently under the weight of her guilt while Nix wondered why such a shy pony was brought to the first formal proceedings between two species.

“I...” Sunny Day finally spoke up, as Nix brought his gaze back to her with a cocked eyebrow, a maddening smile on his face. She took an audible, measured breath. “I would first and foremost like to extend our princesses’ apologies over their initial misunderstanding-”

“No,” Nix interrupted.

“I-” Sunny paused. “I don’t understand.”

“I’m refusing your princesses’ apology over my mistreatment. Saying you’re sorry by proxy is akin to saying, ‘I would apologize, but I don’t give a damn enough to do it in person.’ It’s more of an insult than simply refusing to apologize.”

“Then mayhaps thy desirest no redress of thy grievances at all?” Midnight finally spoke up, her voice icy.

“Yeah, actually, that’d be about as great as you probably were in your high school drama club. Thanks, Shakespony,” he retorted, wincing inwardly at the equestrian slip of ‘Shakespeare’.

“An indecorous cur is unworthy of such a sacred boon as the remorse of our irreproachable princesses’ amnesty,” Midnight hissed.

“Oh, dear.” He placed his hands melodramatically on his cheeks as his gaze wandered skyward. “How shall I ever fall to sleep again under the weight of my own guilt?”

Midnight looked like she had been physically slapped, to Nix’s great delight.

“What my assistant means-” Sunny Day began with a conciliatory tone in her voice, but Nix interrupted her.

“Spare me the details, please. I popped up in your universe unexpectedly, made some sort of social faux pas that pissed everyone off, and you all overreacted. Now your princesses are sending you two after me to ensure I don’t summon an army of my interdimensional compatriots to conquer your little world because you’ve realized your mistake. Am I close to the mark, because stop me if I diverge from the narrative here?” He paused. Both ambassadors remained silent.

“Right. There’s no invading army, and if I were at a fraction of my normal power, not only would I have happily crushed your world and all its inhabitants to dust, your 'irreproachable princesses’ meager power wouldn’t have been enough to capture me in the first place, thus making this conversation useless.” He forced every reserve of lifeforce he could muster into his right hand, and fire subsumed his arm. Orange flames enveloped his right forearm and shaped into the form of an eagle’s talons where his hand would be. He looked at the manifestation thoughtfully. “Just release me, and I’ll be out of your hair immediately. Your subjects will not be harmed, your princesses will not have to...debase themselves by apologizing in person, and I will be on my way out of your reality at my earliest possible convenience.”

“No,” Sunny Day replied simply. “I’m afraid that’s not good enough. You leave our world now, or we enter into negotiation to better realize relations between our two races.”

Nix snorted. “This isn’t a negotiation between two races, some grand contract of non-hostility. I came here alone. The same as I arrived at every other reality; alone. If another of my kind had had somehow managed to arrive here, and survive the trip, you all would have killed them about 11 times over with your actions.” He nodded flippantly to the unconscious purple unicorn, “Judging by her reaction after she accidentally killed me, you all aren’t really keen on the act. That almost makes it a blessing to you all that I’m unique among my species. However, for the time being, you still have to deal with me,” he forced as much magic as he could into making a fireball, and one poofed into existence in his right talon of flame. He glanced lazily at them through the corner of his arrogant, lidded eyes as a blue, tremoring ball of flame twice the size of his head began floating in the air above his summoned, fiery claws. The flickering light in his bright blue eyes seem to grow in intensity as he magicked the fireball into existence, before settling back to their unearthly glow. “And you really don’t want to deal with me.”

The atmosphere grew chilly in spite of Nix’s summoned fire, and in spite of the fact that Pinkie’s cheery ranting still droned on in the background. “A lesser pony might take that for a threat,” Sunny Day spoke, a dangerous tone in her voice. Sunny Day’s horn began to glow a bright yellow color, whereas Midnight opted to roll her eyes between the two helplessly, the situation clearly growing out of hoof. Nix merely flashed a predatory smile, and made to respond before a groaning in the corner of the room interrupted his thoughts.

The two ambassadors were temporarily distracted at the sound, though the white unicorn did not release her horn’s aura. Nix just flicked a glance in the direction of the purple unicorn as she stumbled awake before returning his stare to the two ambassadors.

“You have no idea,” he growled challengingly.

“Wuh- What happened?” Twilight muttered in a slurred voice, her hoof instinctively meeting the side of her head to steady her world. Her normally quicksilver thoughts felt like they were traversing a sea of molasses before ever achieving conscious realization. Blinking dumbly, her eyes wandered around the room before focusing on the white unicorn. Blearily, she thought, ’Hey, that’s the form Princess Celestia used when she taught me glamour magic. But why is she...?’ Her eyes wandered over to her companion, a black unicorn with blue hair that Twilight instantly deduced as Luna, utilizing the same magic. She was in some strange room that she felt she should remember, and both princesses were here in disguise for some reason, yet remembering felt difficult, as though the memories might dare be...irrational. Her gaze continued wandering until she noticed the alien across from them, his arm ablaze and levitating a much larger fireball than he had before. The pieces of the puzzle clicked into place for her immediately as she remembered the circumstances; the creature, ‘Nix’, felt threatened and was attacking the princesses! For the second time today, she immediately acted on instinct, casting the first spell that came to mind to amend the situation. A bright white light immediately exploded from her glowing purple horn.

It was one of numerous “fail-safe” spells she had at her disposal. (She had prepared several, just in case.) This one in particular dispelled all magic within a 100-yard radius. Unfortunately, Twilight was poorly versed in the negation of Chaos magic, so her spell merely acted upon the threads of magic with which she was most familiar; all traces of Harmony magic disappeared instantly.

Nix’s manifestation of a burning talon on his right arm merely winked out of existence without so much as a puff, but the fireball he was levitating immediately exploded. It was a small explosion, it’s muffled whump barely louder than most firecrackers, but its effects were immediate. Nix slowly turned his slightly singed head in her direction, smoke tendrils snaking off his now ruined shirt. “12 times,” he uttered simply. “I’m immune to fire, for obvious reasons. But another of my kind? That’d be 12 times they died.” He glared at the purple unicorn with as much reproach as he could muster. “You’re really not too good at the whole contr- OH MY GOD MY FUCKING SHIRT! YOU RUINED MY SHIRT!”

He immediately grabbed the bottom of his shirt and pulled it forward to examine it. It was filled with singed holes, and his right sleeve was missing. Twilight cringed.

“I...I’m sooooooorry!” she wailed, her hooves embracing the back of her neck as she tried to hide her face on the floor. “I didn’t...I didn’t mean to-“

“It took me ages to figure out how to enchant clothing so I didn’t pop up naked save for my weapons and my coat every time I was ripped from one reality to another...I had this shirt for the last 60 years. I cared for it. Stroked it softly to comfort it during thunderstorms. Washed it lovingly in cheerfully burbling mountain springs. Was there for it through thick and thin. I even named it, ‘Rocky’. Rocky the Dimension-Traversing T-Shirt. And his genial, loyal polyester threads have been slain before your vengeful wrath, kid. How can you, the most murderous of murderers, console me?”

“I- I-” Twilight stammered in shame.

“-and that’s the story of how my pet rock Tom quelled the Diamond Dog rebellion and saved my family’s rock farm! Oh, hey, the princesses took off their costumes!” Pinkie finally finished her story.

“Wait, what?” Nix whipped around, his gaze meeting Princess Celestia and Luna in their true forms. Dreadful recognition burned behind his eyes as he regarded both his captor and the one whose voice could crush worlds. Righteous indignation burned in his chest as he steeled himself for what he knew was necessary. His muscles coiled suddenly, precipitating his just vengeance upon these two for everything they had just put him through. He released the tension in his being all at once, his movements becoming a barely discernible blur of unmatchable speed. The two princesses, still recovering from their sudden unmasking, never saw it coming.

Nix moved with as much velocity as he could manage, his trickling lifeforce still impeding his proficiency in augmenting his abilities. Wrapping his arm around Ms. Pinkamena’s torso just below her front legs, he picked her up and leapt explosively from the center of the room onto the ratty bed in the far corner.

“Look out, Ms. Pinkamena!” he shouted, releasing her. She plopped down on the bed, a manic smile across her face as her head bobbed between Nix and the Princesses. Nix planted his left foot on the headboard of the bed and rested his right fist on his hip. “‘Tis the Dread Pirate Cakebeard, stealing upon us in the dark of night-” bright sunlight poured in through the barred window to his cell, “to rob us of our lives, and more horribly, of our cake!”

“Not the cake. NOT THE CAKE! No! Noooooo! How could you, you monster?!” Pinkie leveled a hoof at the white princess, whose eyes had practiced widening more since Nix’s arrival than it had in the previous 2000 years. The blue princess was trying, poorly, to suppress a grin as she studiously examined a nearby wall.

“Tell me, Captain Cakebeard! How many seas of pastries succumbed to your gluttonous genocide on your rapacious buffet to my cell?” Nix impugned as his accusatory finger flung out at the clearly nonplussed Princess Celestia. Luna failed to suppress a chuckle.

Nix’s focus immediately whipped towards her at the sound.

“I dunno why you’re laughing, Ms. Angry Housewife.”

Luna’s mouth snapped shut at the title, her brain seizing.

“We...we do not understand? Dost thee desire to consort us?” The gears turning in her head, her eyes narrowed angrily. “‘Twould be a warm day in Tartarus ere a wretched creature like thee could beckon our fancy.”

“I-” It was Nix’s turn to have his brain hitch. “No, wait...ewww, gross! No, no, no, no! No! Never with a horse-!”

“Pony!” Pinkie leapt happily in the air to punctuate the correction.

“-that was not what I meant at all.”

“Do tell,” Luna lowered her head threateningly.

“It’s just that the only ponies who have to suffer a voice as annoyingly loud as yours are usually married to their assailant.” Celestia’s mouth quirked for an instant. Nix’s eyes flicked momentarily back to her. “I totally saw that,” he said with a tiny smirk and a sideways glance.

“I believe I liked you better when you were making a mess of my palace, before you could speak,” Celestia said plainly. “Although you do have an...interesting way with words.”

“Blame her,” Nix responded, pointing at the purple unicorn who was still desperately trying to bury her face in the floor. “I copied her language center, and she is probably the first pony I’ve met with a more sordid lust for the written word than my old buddy, Mitch.” He glanced at the mountain of scrolls in the corner.

“We believe you mean ‘Mike’,” the blue princess corrected.

Nix’s features immediately darkened. “Don’t you even dare. And how would you even know?” he asked threateningly.

“We’ve been here since shortly after you awoke. Little Ridge Dancer alerted us immediately the moment you regained consciousness. We concealed ourselves and teleported directly to your cell.”

“Huh, so that was that nagging feeling at the back of my head. Next time you should consider concealing your lifeforce along with your physical presence,” Nix said thoughtfully, before his voice hardened again. “That still doesn’t explain how you know of my friend.”

“My dear student is a brilliant scholar,” the purple unicorn on the ground twitched at her apparent mention, “but she is not the only one capable of impressive feats of intellect. My sister and I almost immediately recognized your tongue as a modified version of an ancient language that was once common on our world...”

Nix remained silent, not-so-patiently awaiting a straight answer.

“We would know why thee struggles with names in the stead of simply summoning them from thy small black box?” Luna asked openly.

Their knowledge suddenly clicked in his brain. So that was it? He fished the small black media player from his back pocket, and flicked it on. The last file he chose immediately spurted to life on its small screen, confirming the blue alicorn’s correction true.

“Alright, I’ll tell you. But first, isn’t it a bit rude that you haven’t even introduced yourselves? Not too good at this whole alien diplomacy thing, are you?”

The dark blue princess blushed mildly as her gaze flicked back to the wall she had earlier studied, before she caught herself and met Nix’s eyes. The white alicorn merely raised her head and gazed down her nose at him.

“I am Princess Celestia, Steward of the Sun, and ruler of Equestria along with my sister.”

“And we are Princess Luna, Mistress of the Moon, Diarch of Equestria. Please, call us ‘Luna’.”

“Right, Tia and Lu. Gotcha. Name’s Nix.”

“I- I’m-” Ridge Dancer stammered out, clearly confused by the last 10 minutes.

“Already know, shut up,” Nix replied bluntly. Ridge Dancer slumped sullenly. He turned toward the purple unicorn still cowering on the ground and knelt down, poking her on the shoulder. “Hey, kid.”

She yelped, her eyes shooting open. “Omigod I’m sorry I killed you and came in your cell and made contact and ohnoIdefiedPrincessCelestia’sordersI’llbesentbacktomagickindergartenthisisterriblewhathaveIdone-”

Nix jabbed her with his finger again, interrupting her neurotic exclamation. “Calm down. You kinda fainted before telling me your name, if you recall?” he reminded her.

“I...” she started, bewilderment fading from her eyes as her gaze sharpened and she turned to meet Nix’s regard. “My name is Twilight Sparkle.” She closed her eyes and nodded her head in satisfaction, as if finally completing a difficult task.

Nix snorted and shook his head. “Cool beans, Sparky.”

“No, I said my name is-”

“No, Twilight, Nixxie has this weird memory thing where he won’t remember unless he gives you a really fun nickname but you wouldn’t know that because you were taking a nap when he explained it and that’s why he has a magic box that has memories in it and why would you be taking a nap in the middle of a dungeon anyway-” Nix shot an annoyed frown her way and her mouth snapped shut with an audible smack, a self-effacing grin appearing on her face as her hoof drew across her mouth in the universal “zip it” motion.

“Right, then. My little black box. It’s a recording device. I had it enchanted a little over 800 years ago by a stallion-” ’Christ, that’s annoying’ “-named Merlin, it stores data in subspace, effectively infinite memory.”

“Marelin?” Celestia asked, with what passed for mild surprise on her normally measured features.

“No, ‘Merlin’. You wanna know about this or not?” The princess merely nodded slowly for him to continue. “I say I have trouble remembering, but the truth of the matter is, I remember everything, I just can’t summon the memories like a normal pony can. When I try to remember really old memories, I might get the one I’m looking for or any one of a thousand others. That’s where this thing,” he motioned with the box, “comes in handy. It’s sort of a prompt for all my very old memories that I’d rather not lose.”

“But that doesn’t explain why you keep trying to remember names when you could just load up the memories on your box. Isn’t it more pragmatic to use the latter method?” Twilight asked.

Nix looked at her soberly. “This machine is a reminder in more ways than one. Tell me, what do you think would happen if, one day, I were to load up this moving picture I have of my last birthday on my homeworld, see the gaiety and the friendly faces, and wonder to myself, ‘Huh, why do I have these random people on here?’ What if I deleted the file?”

“I...don’t know.”

“Yeah, neither do I. I’m in a race to make it home before I forget what ‘home’ even is, and being reminded of that is why I don’t like using this thing. And that’s also why it angers me that I can barely use any of my lifeforce on your world.”

“I don’t know,” Princess Celestia said with a small smile, “I imagine evading capture by the resident Goddesses for as long as you did must be a fairly impressive display.”

Nix gave the white alicorn a cursory examination before waving his hand dismissively. “Were I at my full strength, I would have just swatted you aside like a buzzing insect. Probably without accidentally killing you, but who knows?”

“Your bravado is...immense, to say the least, but I think you’ll find it’s somewhat difficult to kill an immortal,” Celestia chided gently, her smile widening slightly.

“Hmmm. I wonder?” Nix placed one finger on his chin in ponderance. “Actually, there is something I wonder. What’s with the tattoos on the legs? That a tribal thing?”

“Ooh, I know!” Twilight exclaimed, waving her hoof wildly in the air over her head. Nix stared at her for ten seconds while she repeated the motion. He turned to Celestia. “Is she always like this?” Celestia gave him a hard look, still meeting his gaze when she said, “By all means, Twilight.”

Nix turned back to Twilight. “It’s called a cutie mark. It’s a visual representation of a pony’s special talent, the thing in life they’re best at, that appears magically after they discover said talent as a filly or colt.”

“So,” he pointed sideways at Celestia, “her special talent is having an ass as big as the sun?”

Twilight gaped so widely her lower jaw could have swept the floor, her mouth working soundlessly as her eyes shifted rapidly between Nix and her mentor. “What can you-” she sputtered. “How can- but-”

“That is enough!” Celestia’s voice seethed with rage. The other ponies all turned to her, dismayed at the suddenness of her outburst. “Since making my royal presence known, you have done nothing but insult me, make puerile remarks, and sow discord with every utterance that leaves your vile tongue!” She punctuated the statement by prodding him in the chest with her hoof. He cocked an eyebrow and gave her a bemused grin.

“Yes, because it’s the height of propriety to blast guests through your bedroom door and chase them down with a troop of guards, before shattering every bone in their body with the force of one's shouting, and let's not forget the prim'n'proper torture sessions with large chunks of marble. Still waiting on that apology, princess,” Nix flashed a smarmy sneer and jabbed her in the chest with his finger.

“You first assault me with food, and now you dare place your hands upon me?!” Celestia spat angrily.

“Yes, how terrible of me. I happened across a strange unicorn, didn’t know they were sentient, and tried giving them something healthy to eat-”

“-a task that has absorbed a great many of our own hours over the millennia,” Luna muttered offhandedly. But she was giving her sister a strange look. Celestia cast a furious glance at Luna before focusing back on Nix.

“-only to be suddenly attacked when all I was trying to do was keep things quiet so I could slip away unnoticed. Honestly, how many personal trainers have you sent to the guillotine for implying Your Corpulence--I’m sorry, I mean Your Majesty--has a bit of an eating problem?”

Celestia’s horn began to glow as her eyes blazed furiously. “I am the ruler of all Equestria,” her voice boomed. “YOU WILL RESPECT ME. YOU WILL FEAR ME.” By now the other ponies in the room were terrified and cowering, but Luna’s eyes were wide with sudden realization. “Sister, we believe thee to be overstepping thy bounds...ruler of all Equestria or not,” she suggested gently.

“SILENCE! I WILL NOT BE ADMONISHED BY AN INFERIOR BEING. THE VERY SUN MOVES AT MY WHIM. ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE ME. KNEEL!!!” Throughout it all, Nix’s arrogant grin grew wider and wider.

“My, my. Someone thinks they’re the center of the world. But methinks they’ve just grown so obese that the world has begun to orbit them, eh, fatty?”

A bolt of magic shot out of Celestia’s horn, straight at Nix’s face. ’If Sparky’s blast was enough to kill me, this little beauty is enough to turn me into a red paste on the wall behind me. Can’t let that happen and leave Tia here free to roam about with her...condition.’ He deftly flicked a hand up and caught the blast in his palm, stopping it in place. All the ponies eyes, including Celestia’s, widened to dinner plate proportions.

“Awww, who’s a cute deathball? Who’s a cute deathball? That’s right, little guy,” Nix cooed softly at the compressed magical energy, tossing it from hand to hand before stopping and pointing at it, “you are! Precious lil’ deathball, so cute I could d’awww!” He d’awwwed. His voice took on a firm tone, that of a father firmly but lovingly disciplining a toddler. “But what’s this dark magic I sense on you, lil’ buddy? Have you been playing with Papa Nixxie’s mean old sword?”

He languidly brought his gaze up to Celestia, his arrogant grin gone and flickering lights of a wild blue flame glowing in center of his pupils. He slowly clenched his fist, still staring straight into her eyes, and crushed the orb of magic, sending out a small shockwave that made both princesses brace themselves and knocked Twilight, Ridge, and Pinkie off their hooves.

“Well, at least now I know who confiscated my swords from me.”

“Your parlor tricks will do you no good, you disgusting ape!” Celestia hissed through clenched teeth. She charged her horn again, lowering her head at Nix’s chest. He merely looked at her, a small, sad smile on his face. “I shall show you what happens to fools who dare cross-”

No pony in the room saw him move. One second, Nix stood relaxed, almost bored, one hand in his jean pockets, and the next he was right before Celestia, his right hand on her forehead. Her eyes widened in surprise before a circle of white flame erupted from the point of contact, bathing the room in a blinding flash. As the spots cleared from everypony’s vision, they saw Nix still standing in the center of the room, his palm still held near the base of Celestia’s horn.

He gazed gravely into her eyes. “Y’alright there, Cakebeard?”

She stared at him for a second with dread seriousness, before replying, “I...yes. I am fine, Phoenix. Thank you.”

He jerked his hand off her forehead. “Good. Not sure what I woulda done if I had to take more drastic measures. I don’t even have enough magic to do that from a distance. Have to do it by physical contact. Still not sure how I managed that with what little power-” He crumpled on the ground.

“Mmmmmmfmmm mmmm!” Pinkie Pie said through her closed lips, before moving her hoof along them in an unzipping motion. “Nixxie, noooo!” She dashed towards him and cradled his upper body, lifting her head and wailing to the ceiling. “NOOOOOOO!”

“I’ll be fine,” he said, his voice weak. “Also, put me the fuck down.”

“Okay!” she chirped happily, dropping him unceremoniously to the floor. He grunted angrily.

Slowly, he brought himself up to a sitting position, still groggy.

“What, exactly, was that?” Celestia asked coolly, but offering a conciliatory hoof to him. He stared at it for a second, before grabbing hold and letting her help him up. He trudged to the bed, Celestia balancing him upright if he stumbled, much to his chagrin. He sat down heavily.

“That...was a side effect of handling one of my swords.” The four ponies in the room stared at him in confusion, but Luna merely listened contemplatively. “The katana I carry?” More confused looks. “The slightly curved sword, the one without all the gaudy jewels?”

“Ohhhhhh!” the three non-alicorn ponies replied in unison, before a heavy silence settled over the room.

“Wait, did you really say you could move the sun, Tia?” Nix asked.

“I raise the sun every morning. Why?”

Nix chuckled grimly. “Man, it would really dislike you.” He looked at Luna. “That moon on your ass mean what I think it does?”

“We should think our hindquarters a bit more slim than the trillions of tons of rock we magick into the sky every night,” she said warningly, narrowing her eyes.

This brought an honest laugh out of Nix. “Wasn’t implying that. I had to piss Tia off to get it to manifest, after something about her lifeforce seemed...off. Besides, I’m sure I can find better ways to aggravate you. That katana would love you to death and wouldn’t try corrupting you. I’ve forgotten it’s proper name a long time ago,” he tapped his forehead for emphasis, “but roughly translated, it means ‘10,000 Cold Nights’. Most people on my homeworld merely called it by its creator’s name, Muramasa.”

He slowly began to curl up on the bed. He was beyond tired. The world slowly started to darken around him before he bolted upright. “The swords! Don’t let anypony else touch them. The zweihander would probably be pretty genial to most who come across it, but best not take chances. They can be exceptionally dangerous to any who have not mastered them, which means pretty much everypony but me.” He looked pointedly at Celestia. “I’m actually surprised you resisted it for as long as you did. Most begin exhibiting symptoms after a few hours, but ponies under immense psychological strain would fall in minutes. Did anypony else handle them physically or with magic?”

“Only myself and my Guard-Captain, Glancing Shock.”

“And did he exhibit any odd behavior afterward?”

“Not ‘odd’. Just a bit more extreme than normal.”

Nix mulled over this information. “Might wanna bring him to me, just in case. In the meantime, I’m fucking exhausted. Girls,” he tipped an imaginary hat to the three non-princesses, “it was absolutely dreadful meeting you and your world is awful and filled with marble-tainted violence.” Ridge managed to only cringe a little bit at this. “But you are slightly less awful than the rest of it. And one more matter of utmost importance.” The five of them gazed at him expectantly. He picked up his pillow and tossed it dumbly towards Celestia. It bounced off her flank even as a confused look crossed all their faces--except Pinkie, whose brain was engaged in a contest of wills between trying to avoid annoying the grumpy ape-thing and taking his action to mean a declaration of pillow-fight war.

“Pretend that...” he muttered tiredly, collapsing onto the small bed, “...was a carrot. You still owe me an apolo-” He was snoring softly before he finished the sentence. The five ponies made to leave him in silence. Celestia immediately went off to locate Glancing Shock, while Twilight and Pinkie headed off to their rooms in the castle. Ridge Dancer began a manic trot up and down the dungeon hallways to work off excess energy. Luna paused at the threshold, gazing upon the sleeping creature with a curious eye.

“Queer creature,” she intoned in a low, thoughtful voice. “Thy mastery of thy sword is commendable, but not entirely unique in this world.” She paused, a small smile playing across her lips. “Perhaps one day we shall introduce this ‘Muramasa’ to its sister sword, and let them both dance across my night sky. Until then, rest peacefully. We shall ward thy dreams from any unpleasantness.”

Author's Notes:

Did a first-pass edit (sober...), fixed a lot of things, this should be good to submit, now. I'll no doubt find a glaring error or ten trillion somewhere down the line, but for now I'm just throwing this out there like a crazed homeless man tosses refuse at innocent passersby. As always, feel free to berate me and threaten the life of my family over any typos or plain terrible writing you come across.

Also, subtext. Soooo much subtext. The tags I selected for this story won't be removed, nor will I be adding any other tag. Food for thought.