The gilded, ceiling-high doors to the royal throne room burst open, colliding into the walls with a violent bang and startling many of the important ponies Celestia had assembled. ’Here we go,’ Celestia thought grimly, levitating a cup of coffee primly to her lips. A serpentine shadow, hidden high up in an isolated corner of the ceiling, snapped his fingers quietly, summoning a bag of popcorn. ’Dis goan be gud!’ he thought, tossing a handful of unpopped kernels into his mouth, a few bouncing off his one oversized fang and sprinkling to the ground below. He cracked a wicked grin as the human made his entrance.

“Hi everyone!” Nix shouted with manic glee as he sprinted into the room, causing the nearest pony aristocrats to immediately shy away. “My name’s Phoenix, I’m a dimension traveling alien that’s more powerful than both your princesses combined! This one time, I blew up an entire world! It was all, *boooom, skrooooow, shakoooom*, and then most of the pieces flew into the sun, which was a probably almost as big as the royal hindquarters! I don’t think it had as much cake in it, though.” He was zipping around at random, jerking ponies’ forehooves off the ground and shaking them wildly. He made a point to gawk crazily in the shell-shocked faces of everypony whose hooves he shook.

He paused in front of a light yellow unicorn mare. A white stripe ran down the middle of her light blue mane. He snatched her hoof off the ground and began pumping it so vigorously that Celestia half-feared he might dislocate the pony’s shoulder. “Do you like cake?! I love cake! So sweet and fluffy and yummy! You look like you like cake, even more than the princess! I wish they would give me cake here, though! They haven’t actually given me any food for two weeks, and I’m starting to feel a bit woozy! That’s okay, though, ‘cuz-”

His head wavered dizzily for half a second before he collapsed on top of the mare, mingled looks of disgust and horror contorting her features as they both slammed into the ground. She laid there with her mouth yammering out silent pleas for help, tremoring violently under the burden of the strange alien’s prone form. The weight of the silence that permeated the room seemingly held enough pressure to crush the many diamonds that adorned most of the attending mares. Everypony simply stared at the strange being on top of the deeply confused unicorn mare—a bare few even recognized her as Upper Crust—before they cautiously began trading glances with their neighbors, unsure of how to react.

Celestia resisted the urge to facehoof. She had known Nix would make a scene, which is partially why she hadn’t told him he was reporting to the throne room to be presented to the local aristocrats; the less time he was given to scheme for his chicanery, the better. Glancing Shock, however, had known. She scanned the back of the room. Ridge Dancer stood with a tired, exasperated look just inside the door’s threshold. Glancing Shock was squirreled away in an isolated corner, putting as much distance between himself and everypony in the room as he could. In what counted as a look of unabated glee for the dispassionate pegasus, the corners of his mouth tilted upwards almost imperceptibly, and dancing in the golden flecks of his half-lidded eyes was a dully amused spark. Celestia’s eyes narrowed. She was going to have a very long chat with her Guard-Captain as soon as she had contained this situation.

“-I’m technically immortal, so even if I died of starvation I’d immediately revive!” Nix finished his previous tangent as his head jerked up. He looked down at the unicorn mare he had knocked over. “OHMYGODDESS I AM SO SORRY LEMME GET UP OH NO THIS IS SO BAD I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY!” He plopped both hands onto the champagne-colored unicorn to brace himself. His left hand, placed squarely over her cutie mark on her back flank, gave the mare a light squeeze as he pushed himself up. Her eyes widened so far that Nix wondered how they still remained behind her eyelids. Instead of falling out, they simply rolled back into her skull and—with a moan—the mare immediately fainted.

“Huh. I hope she’s alright. I’m pretty sure I didn’t just eat her soul. I ate a part of Luna’s soul the other day. It was quite delicious, but it gave me terrible gas. Sorry about blowing up that tower, by the way, but my spiritual bowel movements are pretty legendary.” An anxious murmur rose up in the room at the mention of Luna and the tower.

“Nix,” Celestia warned coldly as he ascended the dais at the head of the throne room. He cut her off, raising his hands in a placating gesture as he turned to the ponies.

“Woah, woah, you guys are way too nervous. Way too nervous. I’m harmless, really! Look, when I get the heeby-jeebies about something, I find that having a good smoke calms my nerves. Anyone mind?” he asked, already summoning a pack of cigarettes from his pocket dimension. As the red and white box of Marelboros dropped from thin air into his open palm, the light pouring in from the windows suddenly dimmed.

Nix heard Celestia’s annoyed, “Tch!” and glanced at her, a look of confusion on his face as her horn glowed brightly and the light returned to normal. The murmur in the room rose considerably. He gave his smokes a questioning look before shrugging. He deftly plucked one from the pack and perched it in the corner of his mouth. Beads of sweat had begun to form on his forehead as he raised a closed fist in front of the white tube and began flicking his thumb upward against his curled index finger, shooting sparks into the air.

“Huh, guess I’m at my limit, again,” he mumbled, aggravation tinting his voice. “Hey, Dancie!” He passed a pleading look to Ridge Dancer at the back of the room, who rolled her eyes as her horn fired up. A small puff of flame ignited the end of his cigarette. He drew deeply on it, leaning his head back in the air and exhaling an acrid cloud of smoke. “Aaah, that’s the stuff!” Celestia’s patience had worn paper-thin, and she opened her mouth to admonish Nix before a warm chuckle silenced her.

“My, my, quite the energetic lad, I see!” Nix’s head snapped towards the sound. “Reminds me of a certain pink mare I met some months ago.” A white unicorn stallion with a carefully styled, curly blue mane approached the dais. He stopped before Nix, a playful glint in his eyes and a pleasant grin on his face—the latter expression was framed masterfully by a meticulously maintained mustache. He extended a hoof towards the suddenly silent human. “My name is Fancy Pants. It is an absolute pleasure to meet you, Phoenix!”

Nix took the hoof cautiously and gave it a ginger shake. “Call me ‘Nix’. And you mean Ms. Pinkamena?” he asked, regarding the unicorn with a sideways look.

“Ah, yes! Pinkie Pie was her name. Please forgive me, my memory is simply dreadful as I get on in years,” Fancy Pants intoned, before asking, “I assume you’ve made her acquaintance?” Nix observed the sharply dressed unicorn more seriously, taking a drag off his cigarette as he did. He was met with a patient gaze as Fancy Pants waited quietly for his response. While the subdued conversation between Nix and the highly-esteemed unicorn had quieted the room to some extent, quite a few frigid murmurs had taken up their place at the mention of the pink earth pony. More than a few ponies present had remembered her actions during last year’s Grand Galloping Gala, and her prestigious position as one of Princess Mi Amora Cadenza’s bridesmaids had done little to quell their distaste for her.

“Yes, actually,” Nix smiled subtly, not seeing the Sun Princess surreptitiously match his expression. “And I wouldn’t worry about the memory thing,” he said with a dismissive wave, “I can’t even remember the last time I had dessert.” He shot Princess Celestia a smug glance; she immediately smoothed her features, but otherwise ignored his askance gaze.

“That, my good sir, is tragic,” Fancy Pants stated simply, levitating a monocle before his mouth and breathing on it softly. “I know of a nearby eatery that makes divine pastries, and anypony who is anypony would be remiss were they to avoid Donut Joe’s delectable desserts.” He wiped the monocle on the breast of his sports jacket and levitated it to his eye. Nix noted the intent stares of the other ponies in the room. A few had unabashedly begun taking notes on pieces of paper before returning their awed stare back to the white unicorn before him.

Nix’s eyes glazed over suddenly, but cleared with a small shake of his head. He looked down at Fancy Pants, and quickly snatched the monocle from the unicorn’s eye, replacing it in his own. “Do not pass go! Do not collect 200 bits!” he jibed in a voice seeping with synthetic smarm, his gaping mouth moving exaggeratedly like a beached trout gasping for air.

Expecting a vexed huff out of the unicorn, Nix was instead disarmed by a hearty chuckle. “I think you would be quite a fun individual to play in a game of Monopony.” Nix twitched at the ponification. Fancy Pants leaned in and lowered his voice conspiratorially. “Although I think it best if you weren’t the banker.”

Nix snorted, relinquishing the monocle to its owner. “Alright, but I get to make up a few rules.”

“My good lad, it’s not a proper game of Monopony if it follows the rulebook to the let-” The chalk-colored unicorn was interrupted by a rude bump from the side, sending him flying out of sight with an exclaimed, “Oh, my!” In his place stood a similarly colored unicorn stallion with more masculine features.

He flicked his flowing blonde mane dramatically, his eyes closed in the smug ecstasy of his own superiority. “I am Prince Blueblood,” he said in a deep, nasal tone that oozed viscously with unbridled arrogance. “And I am sure you are no doubt charmed to make my acquaintance,” he continued, finally opening his light blue eyes. “Not that we’re acquaintances, of course. I am, after all, royalty,” he said with a flourish of his hoof, resting it finally on his puffed out chest.

Nix stared at him. Blueblood maintained his insufferable pose. Nix glanced at Celestia, and she met his gaze, nervously levitating her standby cup of coffee towards her lips. The human’s eyes flashed suddenly, and he snatched the cup of coffee from her telekinesis.

“Nix, wai-” Celestia tried warning.

“I’m going to need all the whiskey your dear princess puts in these teacups of hers to tolerate your annoying ass,” he spouted before chugging the black contents of the glass. Blueblood’s eyes shot open and he sputtered loudly. Nix merely coughed a little, hammering his chest with the back of his fist and turning to the princess. “Damn, Tia, what do you put in this? I was joking about the whiskey, but this shit burns ten times more than that.”

“You are an annoying cur, wholly unfit to bask in my royal presence!” Blueblood spouted angrily, his hoarse voice wavering slightly. Nix tittered as he noticed the moistening around the unicorn’s eyes.

“And you can go slurp down a used bag of douchewater. Where’s Mr. Tuxedo, that one unicorn with the cool mustache I was talking to?” Having retreated to the crowd, Fancy Pants merely smiled ruefully and bowed his head, shaking it sadly. Meanwhile, Nix did his best to ignore the incoherent protestations of the retarded white unicorn prince, even as a burning pain leapt through his chest and left arm. He rubbed his collarbone slowly and turned to Celestia with an odd look on his face. “I don’t feel so goooo-”

Celestia abandoned her throne and rushed to Nix as he crumpled to the floor. The room erupted in a nervous buzz as she placed the soft pad of her front hoof over the carotid artery in his neck. She didn’t detect a pulse.

“Oh no! Princess Celestia killed the alien! Now his comrades will invade to avenge him! We’re all doomed!” a small, weaselly voice sounded above the room’s din. Everypony immediately began chattering in horrified anxiety. Discord, still hidden in his corner on the ceiling, did his best to stifle his giggles.

“No! That’s not-!” Celestia’s voice fell on deaf ears as the worried muttering amidst the gathered ponies escalated into a more panicked roil. A bright light interrupted their fearful revery as white flames flashed at the head of the room, their brilliant luminescence a furious torch that temporarily blinded those unfortunate enough to have gazed in its general direction.

As the flames began to die down, the black silhouette of a bipedal creature began to take form in their center. It leaned calmly against the back wall of the room, seemingly disregarding the dying fire about it. As the last licks of fire winked out of existence, Nix took another cigarette out of his pack, flicked his thumb against his index finger, and lit his smoke with the tiny orange flame that emanated from the tip of his shortest digit. He regarded the ponies of the room plainly. “‘Sup?”

“Nix, are you quite done with your personal entertainment?” Celestia asked threateningly. “My patience only extends so-”

“How rude of you not to invite me to your soiree, Tia!” The random voice was punctuated by a loud snapping of fingers. With a flash, Discord appeared lolling on Celestia’s throne, his legs hanging over one armrest and his back supported by the other. His yellow eyes scanned the gathering of ponies flatly.

“D-d-d-” the light yellow unicorn from earlier stuttered as she raised herself off the ground with quivering legs.

“Oh, my! It’s Discord! He’s escaped!” the grey unicorn next to her exclaimed. A blanket of numb silence washed over the gathered nobles, aristocrats, and otherwise important ponies.

Discord waved one talon exuberantly at the crowd, the expression starkly contrasting with his subsequent deadpan greeting:

“Yo.”

A cacophony of piercing screams shattered the stillness as everypony became terror-stricken and stampeded away from the dragonequus. It was every pony for themselves as the dismayed mob thronged towards the door and became throttled by its narrow passage. Mares scrabbled desperately over other mares, trampling their carefully crafted manes with reckless abandon. Countless Fall ensembles were tattered, torn, ripped, and otherwise ruined as panicked ponies perilously propelled themselves through the exit. A few reckless stallions abandoned their attempts to escape through the door—they shrieked shrilly as they tossed themselves through the far windows, making the dizzying plunge from the windowsills to the softened grass a yard below before they galloped off. The few pegasi mares in attendance zipped out of the openings created in the broken windows, attempting to keep their painstakingly tailored, precariously balanced hats atop their heads with one hoof even as they held another to their rapidly hyperventilating chests. Prince Blueblood latched himself onto the hindlegs of one of the passing pegasi, screeching, “Save meeeee!” in a tortured whine before both disappeared out one of the windows.

As the last of Canterlot’s elite made their harried escape from the dragonequus and the atmosphere finally settled, Celestia stared blankly at her throne room. A dead silence settled ominously in the hallowed hall. Out of the hundreds of ponies she had invited to introduce Nix and assuage their growing fears about “Luna’s new pet”, only five remained, and two of them weren’t even ponies. Ridge Dancer peeked her head meekly around one of the hall’s marble pillars. Fancy Pants still stood where he was at the start of the panic, his monocle in place and a curious eyebrow raised towards Discord, who lounged lazily on her throne. And Glancing Shock...

One of the damaged wooden boards on a broken window frame swayed limply, creaking slightly in the mild breeze. The clockwork clop of hooves on marble provided percussion to its groaning melody as it desperately clung to the frame of the window. She regarded the approaching sky blue pegasus numbly. As the sound of his hooves contacting stone ceased, Glancing Shock swung his head from left to right, boredly examining the fallout from hundreds of stampeding nobles.

“Well,” he said suddenly, the blandness in his voice providing the perfect counterpoint to the chaotic state of the throne room, “I think that went swimmingly.” With a rapid flick of his eyes to ensure nopony was nearby, he centered his gaze on Celestia and smiled broadly, his grin punctuated by the mercurial crackle of blue electricity along his wingtips.

“I think she’s gonna need more teacups of death-whiskey after this,” the wiry human grunted, taking one last drag of his cigarette before flicking it to the ground. The squeaking board chose that moment to cease its windborn melody as it separated from the window. It clattered loudly to the floor with a deafening echo. In the ensuing pall of silence, everypony leveled expectant looks at Celestia.

’They’re...they’re all insane,’ Celestia thought quietly to herself.

Nix calmly took in the damage to the throne room: a few broken windows, the main entree way’s doorframe was scuffed, a few banners had fallen off the walls, and the scarlet carpet leading to the dais was a bit wrinkled. All in all, pretty tame compared to the damage he had caused in the rest of the palace, inadvertently or otherwise. It was about the level of destruction he had planned to create after Swordspony demanded that Nix behave himself, using Ms. Pinkamena as an example of what not to do in the presence of nobility. Obviously, he had done his best to imitate the annoying mare.

For the most part, it had worked as intended, the sole remaining aristocrat in the room being the exception. What he hadn’t expected was Discord’s intervention, and he was a bit disappointed that it was the Chaos god’s introduction that sent the blue-blooded bastards fleeing instead of himself. Ah, well, at least he had escaped a firm lecture from the dumbfounded Tia. It wasn’t his fault, after all. The princess seemed too absorbed with staring into her death-whiskey teacup at the moment, anyway.

A snap of fingers roused Nix from his thoughts. Discord had teleported next to Tia, clad in full butler attire and a teapot in hand. “More tea for m’lady?” he asked, his voice taking on a refined, haughty tone. As the stream of black liquid hit her cup, her eyes came into focus and she turned her head to glare at the dragonequus.

“You,” she whispered gutturally, the accusatory tone dripping off her voice in a violent deluge of disdain.

“Hmm-hmmm-hmmmmmm,” Discord hummed cheerily, topping off her teacup and retracting the teapot. “Yes, I am me. Probably.”

“You knew that word of your reform was to reach Canterlot naturally, by word of mouth, from Ponyville. That my little ponies might respond badly were you to suddenly appear without warning. You knew that what you just did would cause a panic. And yet, in spite of Fluttershy’s influence as your friend, you did it anyway.” The glare the white princess leveled at the hodgepodge dragon could melt stone.

With a snap of his fingers, Discord returned to normal, and held an open talon over his chest innocently. “Well, I couldn’t just let the new guy over there cause all the chaos. Why, I’d lose my membership in the Council of Crazy! I’m a card-carrying member, after all.” He snapped his fingers and a small, plastic card with his photo appeared in his bear paw. “I pay 20 bits a year for that membership. Have you any idea how costly that is when you haven’t had a job for 1000 years?” With another snap, the card disappeared. Nix watched the exchange intently, whereas Celestia merely continued scowling at the mismatched creature.

“Ah, princess, if I may?” Fancy Pants cleared his throat. Princess Celestia turned to the grey unicorn, her face reforming into a calm mask, and nodded slightly. “As you well know, Canterlot ponies do tend to be a bit smitten with melodrama. I posit that this event has gone better than it might have. Why, it’s not nearly so disastrous as last year’s Grand Galloping Gala!” He punctuated this last point with a soft chuckle.

“Be that as it may, Fancy Pants,” Celestia replied, “that affair was one of pomp and gaiety. I assembled the upper crust of Canterlot society here today to assuage their fears over the incidents that occurred in the last two weeks. The effects of this panic will be disastrous as the rumors sieve into the commonpony community. And that doesn’t even include how Canterlot might respond to the mob of frightened nobility stampeding from the palace.”

“May I interject?” a mild voice requested. Celestia brought her gaze upon her Guard-Captain, who had apparently regained control of himself and stared blankly through her. She snorted mildly.

“By all means, Guard-Captain. You can also explain how this qualifies as ‘maintaining the peace’, as I’m seriously considering rescinding your rank at the moment,” the princess stated firmly. Discord snapped his fingers and appeared next to Glancing Shock, dressed in baggy shorts, a sports jersey, gold chains, and a backwards cap. “Aww, snap, son! She messin’ wit’ yo’ paper! Homie don’t play dat, right?!” Everyone ignored him. Except for Nix, who looked at the dragonequus thoughtfully as he rubbed the slight stubble on his chin with his index finger. ’Huh, I need to shave. Also, weird chimera is weird.’

The sky-colored pegasus’s sight came into focus and his lazy gaze wandered to Celestia’s fuming, light violet eyes. “I full well expected something like this to happen,” he admitted bluntly. “I actually prepared for something worse, given the last couple of weeks. Your fears of a rampaging mob of fashionistas and snobs, as hilarious as I must admit that would be, are wholly unfounded. I had a detail of guards posted just outside the door, and surrounding any possible point of egress from this room. Even now, that crazed mob of petulant foals are being calmed by the assurances of my guard, who have all been detailed on Discord’s reformation and the circumstances surrounding the ape’s arrival.” A hint of sympathy flicked behind Glancing Shock’s eyes as he added, “Honestly, my guard are probably more demoralized from dealing with your nobility than the nobles themselves are from this hilarity—err, from this disaster. Terribly disastrous, this.” He forced a fake, placating smile, unmatched by his emotionless eyes.

“And if I might add,” Fancy Pants chimed in with a decorous tone, “it would be no trouble to assuage their fears. I daresay that, with my influence, a large number of important ponies in Canterlot might very well want to be this ‘Phoenix’,” he said, nodding towards peach-colored biped. Nix felt his mouth open involuntarily in shock, spilling his lit cigarette to the ground.

“No!” he shouted in unison with Tia, sharing a surprised glance with her.

“Very well, then. I shall still attend to the situation, if my princess permits?” The blue-maned unicorn raised a questioning eyebrow to Celestia. She nodded gratefully. “And, Nix, I am looking forward to a good game of Monopony.”

“And I’m wondering why you didn’t run off with the rest of ‘em,” the human grunted bluntly.

The chest of the grey pony’s sharply tailored tuxedo heaved in tune with his soft chortles, but Nix noticed that Fancy Pants’ blue eyes glinted sharply, a glaring reflection of the sun off hardened ice. “My dear alien, while you are, without a doubt, one of the more entertaining beings I’ve met in quite some time, neither you nor Discord are quite as clever as you deign yourselves to be. I knew from the very beginning what you both were attempting to do.” His hard look softened and he smiled warmly. “And that’s why I would rather enjoy a game of Monopony with you. A match of chess would simply be too boring.” With that, he turned and cantered casually out of the ruined doors to the throne room.

“Huh. A noble talks down to me and I find myself hating him less. First for everything, I guess,” Nix submitted. “That I can remember, anyway,” he added in a grumble under his breath.

“A noble?” Celestia said softly. “He’s not nobility. He grew up in poverty, his parents barely able to keep him fed most days. What he is? Unbelievably, irrevocably brilliant. With but a few investments, he catapulted himself from destitution to opulence and inveigled himself in the highest echelons of society.”

“A pair of down-to-earth working ponies named their son ‘Fancy Pants’ and suddenly he becomes rich and everyone likes him. A storybook ending,” Nix replied dubiously.

Tia turned to him and smiled. “They were every bit the optimists that the stallion himself has strived to become.”

After a snap of his fingers, Discord teleported before Nix in a checkered apron and clung to his jeans, his schismatic forelimbs sheathed in yellow rubber cleaning gloves. Tears welled up in his eyes behind his square-rimmed glasses, his face framed by the grey curls of his poofy, matronly wig.

“We’s jess so proud o’ him. Our lil’ Fanshy Pantsh,” the dragonequus intoned dramatically. Nix stared at him, a random thought coursing through his consciousness. The human raised his hand before his face, regarding it thoughtfully, his thumb pressed against his middle finger. He spared a downward glance to the patchwork serpent clutching his pants before applying more pressure to his middle finger with his thumb. The two slid by one another suddenly with a satisfying crack!, and a bundle of dark grey leather popped into existence over Nix’s head. He caught it deftly with his left hand and unfurled it.

It was the leather duster Odin had given him. His hairless face began to split into a grin even as he donned the knee-length jacket. Discord teleported to the throne silently and leaned forward, steepling his fingers. “Yes. Yesssss,” he muttered in a husky tone.

“Oh, dear,” Glancing Shock groused emotionlessly. “As if he didn’t cause enough problems as is.” Nix twisted swiftly towards the pegasus Guard-Captain, the tails of his coat flourishing dramatically behind him.

“Just you wait, Swordspony,” he warned between fits of maniacal giggling. “Gimme a second to get my weapons and then you can see what a proper swordsmuh- swordsmayuh- swords-may-uhn-”

“There, there, my little hyu-mahn, sound it out,” Discord taunted derisively, one talon resting on his cheek as he posed arrogantly on the throne.

“Swordsman,” Nix muttered irritably, before pointing at the dragonequus. “And after Swordspony, you’re next.” Nix inverted his outstretched arm and formed his hand to snap his fingers again, while Discord merely smiled silently, his face completely devoid of worry. With a pop!, Nix’s fingers performed the motion to mold chaos magic, a simple flick of digits against one another, and he immediately felt a satisfying, familiar weight on his back. His hands a blur, he moved to draw Excalibur and Muramasa from their sheaths and...leveled a broom and a mop at the dragonequus.

“What the fuck?” Nix exclaimed, immediately dropping the cleaning implements. He snapped his fingers again. A potted flower appeared in the air and impacted the ground near Ridge Dancer, who had been slowly creeping up the red carpet towards the group since the dispersion of the Grand Galloping Grovelers a few minutes before. She squeaked and zipped behind her superior officer, latching her forehooves around the hindleg of the blue pegasus. He turned his head slowly and leveled his numb eyes on hers.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? You could die, you know,” he stated simply, his words devoid of any emotional fluctuation. She immediately retracted her hooves and hugged herself instead, shooting paranoid glances left and right as she lay on the ground. “Hmmph. Answer enough, I suppose,” Glancing Shock mused distantly.

Meanwhile, Nix continued snapping his fingers. Glasses of chocolate milk materialized from thin air and dropped to the ground in a splash. A horde of mice appeared and suddenly transformed into deer before bounding out the windows. A wreath of roses suddenly crowned Ridge Dancer’s head, causing her to blush furiously. A murder of crows fluttered from the shadows in the corners of the room and burst through the open doors with an ominous explosion of fluffed feathers and macabre squawks. Glancing Shock’s leather brigandine momentarily transformed to chainmail before changing back to his standby uniform. Throughout it all, Nix’s frustrated cursing punctuated the sudden chaos.

“Nix, it’s impossible. I cast a spell preventing the teleportation of your weapons, the same one I used for the Elements of Harmony to prevent Discord from hiding them,” Celestia revealed.

“Ho,” Discord lilted, “looking for these?” With a snap of his fingers, the goat-headed serpent blurred from existence and reappeared; he was now garbed in a scarlet trenchcoat, and his scraggly mane was replaced by snow-colored hair, a few errant strands falling over one of his yellow eyes stylishly. An assortment of golden necklaces adorned his upper chest, and a tiara with a large violet gem in its center perched precariously atop his head. Nix didn’t bother concealing his enthusiasm over his own swords that now crisscrossed the serpent’s back. The transformation complete, Discord raised his bear paw languidly, Nix’s chrome-plated pistol in his grasp, and stared soberly into the distance.

“Now that I have a comically large assortment of weapons,” the dragonequus said in a deep, gravelly voice, raising a pair of sunglasses to his face slowly, “I, too, can overcompensate for my inadequacies by pretending to be a hackneyed, one-dimensional badass.” The tails of his red trenchcoat began flowing behind him dramatically in a sudden gust of wind that only appeared to affect the chimera.

“The Elements of Harmony?!” Celestia dropped her regal composure entirely. “But, how did-!”

“Shush, m’lady,” Discord intoned softly, pressing one clawed digit to her lips and closing his eyes for dramatic effect. “I stereotypically possess a pair of black and white pistols now. Your concerns are invalid before my unadulterated amazingness.” He dexterously holstered Lux and brandished Umbra in its place, a small grin playing across his features while his eyes remained closed and his bird’s talon still stuck to the clearly flustered Sun Princess’s face. Nix snapped his fingers at the pair, trying to reclaim his armaments, but only succeeded in giving Celestia a mustache.

Discord ran his talon across the bushy growth on her face, and his eyes immediately popped open. “I knew it!” he cried, his garments and Nix’s weapons disappearing in a flash, much to the human’s disappointment. The Chaos god leveled his gaze squarely on Celestia, who was staring down her own nose in shock at the mustache. “Father was right!” he wailed, holding the back of his bear paw to his head in mock horror. “I have come to embrace a love that dare not speak its name!”

An amused snort tried to escape Ridge Dancer’s mouth, but was quickly stifled by both her hooves shooting to her face as her eyes widened guiltily. “I’m sorry,” she wheezed out in terror, prostrating herself before the princess as low as she could manage, her mass becoming a quivering puddle of light green on the deep red carpet of the throne room.

Celestia huffed in mild frustration, the tips of her mustache alighting at the sudden rush of breath before her horn glowed and a translucent pair of scissors snipped them from her upper lip. Nix quashed his desire to see the princess’s face painted by cake frosting, and focused as hard as he could on his weapons before leveling his snapping fingers towards the dragonequus and Celestia again. The interaction of his digits sounded a mild report, which only resulted in a frozen tuna colliding with his head. He ignored the frozen fish’s blow and met Celestia’s eyes.

“Alright, that’s enough. How do I get my damn weapons back?” he grumbled.

“You don’t,” Celestia responded plainly, calmly regarding the human over the brim of the teacup she had just levitated to her lips.

“Look, just give me my damn swords and my guns, and I’ll be out of your mane forever,” Nix grumbled, suddenly motioning to the throne room. “This was all a...fun...distraction, but I can’t stay here. You obviously don’t have anything for me to deal with, and I’m still trying to get home.”

“I know full well about your plight. You’ve brought it up several times already, not to mention my own sister regaling me with your quest after you absorbed a fraction of her soul, and she, yours,” the white alicorn pointed out bluntly. “That said, so long as you lack control over your capabilities, it would be more dangerous to allow you your weapons than it would be to deny your request. The one you call Excalibur is particularly dangerous with your middling control of magic.”

“Then at least give me Muramasa,” the human replied. “I’m more than capable of controlling its demonic urges, even without being able to utilize my lifeforce.” He paused, a small fireball levitating in his palm as he lit another cigarette and sauntered up to her. “And even you have to admit that it’s safer in my own hands than in anypony else’s. You know firsthoof what it can do.”

“Which is precisely why my sister will be its steward until you regain your power, as I will chaperone Excalibur. For better or worse,” she seemed to stutter over this part, “Discord will oversee Lux and Umbra.”

As if on cue, the dragonequus teleported between Nix and the pale princess, clad again in a red trenchcoat and sunglasses. He held the human’s two pistols in both hands. “I am the bone of my gun,” he intoned seriously as a small flock of white doves took to the air from behind him. Umbra discharged with a loud blam!, and masonry from the now-damaged ceiling showered down around around Nix, the white Alicorn, and the patchwork dragon.

“Oopsie?” Discord shrugged innocently as Celestia leveled a wilting glare at him. The weapons disappeared from his claw and paw with a pop, and he shoved both appendages into the front pockets of his trenchcoat, whistling innocently.

“Oh, good idea. Leave a pair of weapons that have the power to level everything in 10 light-years with a god of chaos.”

“10 light-years?” Celestia cocked an eyebrow.

“The gun that nearly splattered your sister’s entrails across her own stars is a prototype made by my old government. They developed it based on the energy given off by a few of the gods and my own lifeforce after...” Nix’s eyes glazed over, and an image of him sitting in a dinky bar next to a king—in a drinking contest, no less—slammed into his consciousness. “Uh, after something happened, anyway.” He rubbed the side of his head in annoyance. “The silver gun, Lux, is far more powerful, seeing as it was made by the god Haphaestus, and isn’t just a piece of experimental weaponry. And you want that psycho to hold onto ‘em? Why’d you even release him, anyway? I may not remember exactly what he did, but from your sister’s own memories, I know it wasn’t good.”

“Because of you, obviously,” Tia stated bluntly. “In spite of your boasts, you do not possess that much more power than myself or Luna do individually. Luna believes us both to be about on par with the one you call Yaldabaoth.”

Nix’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion before a wry grin split his face. “So, you think you’re as strong as Sammael was, eh?” he chuckled, exhaling a cloud of smoke at the princess dismissively. “Bit full of yourself, don’t you-”

An immense pressure crushed the air around Nix as he was forced to one knee. Behind him, Ridge Dancer mewled on the ground and Glancing Shock sprawled on his stomach, his chest straining to draw in breath and beads of sweat forming near the base of his white mane. The polished stone beneath Celestia’s hooves had cracked, and small chips of rock began levitating about her. Arcs of electricity danced across her form, the expression of energy necessitating Nix to notice just how chiselled her equine muscles actually were when she wasn’t forcibly relaxing them. The white alicorn’s expression had hardened viciously, as if the bone of her skull had suddenly been replaced with tempered steel, and her eyes were replaced by a blazing inferno that contested with her own sun in brightness. Discord took a step back from Celestia, his eyes widening slightly at her change in appearance. She glared down her nose at the forcibly prostrated human, and her eyes flashed brighter as though the very core of her sun had taken seat in their sockets. She flared her wings arrogantly, and the outward force of her magical energy sent Discord sprawling to the end of the platform, an annoyed look quirking his features.

Nix clenched his jaw and forced himself to his feet with excruciating slowness, refusing to bow under her sudden expression of force. “Point. Taken,” he hissed between gritted teeth, his lips drawn back in a defiant snarl. As quickly as the violent magic pandemonium had stricken the room, it vanished without fanfare as Celestia sat regally before her own thrown, gazing coolly at Nix over the brim of her teacup.

“Our abilities notwithstanding,” she continued as though nothing had happened, closing her eyes as if her thoughts were taken by distracted ruminations, “I could not be certain we could put a stop to you before you brought harm to my subjects, even if you would eventually fall before Luna’s and my own combined powers. That is why we freed Discord.” The dragonequus smiled widely and waved his paw at Nix at the mention of his name. “Insufferable though he may be,” Celestia added in a low mumble. The mirth on his light grey face deflated.

Nix paused, gathering his thoughts as best he could and fighting off the intrusion of a few random memories from several centuries ago. “Fair enough,” he said finally, “you have power enough to stop me even after I figure out why this reality is constraining my abilities. But you’re overlooking two things. First, I don’t have my normal level of power. I should have regained it within a few days, at most, upon arriving here. It’s been two weeks and I can barely draw more than I could after my first few seconds here. Secondly, assuming I did suddenly regain my powers, why the fuck would I level them against you or your subjects? The first thing I’d do is teleport out of this galaxy into empty space, and expend all my energy safely so I could force a rebirth and move onto the next existence. You have absolutely nothing to fear from me, and your sister could have told you as much. I don’t like you or your annoying ponies in the least, but I’m not a monster.”

“Neither was Luna,” the alicorn said quietly, her eyes focusing on something far beyond the boundaries of her throne room. Nix recoiled at her hushed words before quickly regaining his composure. ’I’m not a monster,’ he reminded himself. “However,” she stated firmly, her eyes centering on the human once more, “I am sympathetic to your plight, and though you might not believe me, I wish to assist you in restoring your powers, that you may continue your journey home.”

“So I can’t be trusted with my own weapons, and you woke up that,” he said, jabbing a thumb towards Discord, “to subdue me if I all of the sudden become crazy and decided your world would look better as a meteor field than a planet, yet you’re gonna help me get my powers back.” The human tossed both his arms up exasperatedly before planting one hand in the front pocket of his duster and clasping his cigarette with another. “Makes perfect sense,” he finished, inhaling the last few dregs of his smoke before flicking it into the corner.

Celestia eyed the smoking butt on her polished stone floor disapprovingly before returning her attention to Nix. “Yes, I’m going to help you, and insodoing, ensure the protection of my subjects.” She walked calmly past him, towards the door to her throne room. He shrugged his shoulders and took pace next to her. “You already have a basic understanding of Chaos magic, judging by your performance here,” she said simply, before Discord interrupted.

“Took long enough, too,” he muttered while he massaged the palm of his talons. “If I had to snap my fingers one more time they would have fallen-” He was cut off by his clawed thumb and middle digit separating themselves from his talon and plopping to the floor. “See?” Nix and Celestia ignored him, and the princess continued her explanation.

“However, this world is comprised of two kinds of magic. Chaos,” she said, nodding her head towards Discord before continuing her measured walk, “and Harmony. Your inability to focus your powers is due primarily to the magical energies of my world, and your incongruence with them—so much so that even summoning your tobacco, or a simple article of clothing, offsets the trajectory of my sun. You’ve a passing understanding of Chaos magic, now-”

“-although you’re far from a master, young padawan,” Discord interrupted, now garbed in a monk’s outfit and extending his right paw. “When you can snatch this kazoo from my hand, you will be rea-”

“-but you do not yet grasp the manifestation of Harmony,” Celestia continued over the dragonequus. The three of them had exited the throne room and were pacing down the hallway of her palace, now. Ridge Dancer and Glancing Shock followed a short distance behind them. Up ahead, a group of frazzled nobility—clad in emergency blankets—babbled incoherently to a small platoon of guards, most of whom were nodding their heads patiently even as they tried to conceal their utter lack of sympathy.

“So, what, you want me to meditate or something?” Nix asked, recoiling inwardly after he managed to remember his training with Muramasa. His small group walked by the members of nobility, who had suddenly become very quiet at the reappearance of the resident God of Chaos. Discord smiled and waved at them before continuing his trek with Celestia and Nix.

“Not quite,” the princess said with a smile, sparing the human a knowing glance. “Here, harmony is something quite different from inner peace, though the two go hoof-in-hoof. To know harmony is to be at peace with others, not just oneself.”

“Yeah, get to the point already.” Nix twirled his index finger in a small circle, mild annoyance tinging his voice.

“To understand the magic of Harmony, you must first make friends,” the alicorn explained with a small smile. “I suppose you could say that, here, friendship is magic.”

Nix stopped immediately, staring dully at the princess before wandering around the area, opening doors and lifting the rug on which they had walked. He lifted up a bench and scanned its underside before letting it drop to the ground with an echoing smack. Celestia didn’t attempt to mask her confusion.

“Looking for something?”

Nix ceased his search and met her gaze, his lips flattened in annoyance. “I’m looking for the hidden cameras.” The white alicorn arched one of her pale brows, remaining silent. “You know, cameras. Recording devices. This is obviously some sort of prank. Any second, some stallion is gonna come out of one of these doors,” the human waved his arm down the hall, “clap me on the shoulder, and tell me, ‘You’re on Gullible Gallopers,’ or some other stupid horse-related shit, and you’ll all have a good laugh at my expense. Really? ‘Friendship is magic’?”

“This is not a joke. In my kingdom, friendship quite literally manifests as magic. You could even ask Discord, if you choose not to believe me.”

The dragonequus muttered something incoherent about yellow pegasi, rubbing his bird’s claw against the back of his neck sheepishly. Nix, however, kept his focus squarely on Celestia, mulling over her words.

“That’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, and in a thousand years, I’ve suffered a great many examples of mind-numbing retardation,” he uttered finally, his aggravation flickering wildly in his glowing blue eyes.

“If you truly wish to believe so. I may not be able to convince you, but I’ve no doubt Twilight and her friends might show you the errors of your ways,” Celestia intoned. She closed her eyes and shook her head ruefully, before turning to one of the doors and opening it.

“Wait, what does Sparky have to do with this?” the human asked as he entered the room behind Celestia. It was furnished with several desks. Substantial piles of paper climbed towards the ceiling on each wooden surface, concealing, for the most part, the pony inhabitants toiling away behind the paper skyscrapers. Clicking, clattering, and clanging chimes rang out from each desk as Nix and Celestia passed them by, their destination a slightly bigger desk at the back of the room. Behind it sat a matte grey pegasus, one hoof rubbing his chin as he ran his eyes over a piece of paper, repositioning his square-rimmed glasses every few seconds. He didn’t appear to notice appearance of the princess and the alien at his desk.

“Fiscal Slip,” the princess said after clearing her throat, “how wonderful to see you.”

The pegasus immediately tossed the piece of paper behind him as his jaws worked randomly, spewing out an incoherent mess of worried sound. “I, err, I mean, yes, Princess. To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?”

“I’ve come to make a withdrawal from the royal coffers. 3,000 bits, to be exact,” she responded.

The pegasus’s pupils pinched to pinpricks. “B-but between the the repairs to the castle, and the preparations for the-”

“Effective immediately, the Grand Galloping Gala is cancelled. Please fetch the aforementioned sum,” she stated firmly, brooking no argument from the bookish pegasus before he immediately flew through a door at the back of the room. He returned momentarily, brandishing bulky burlap sacks in each hoof. He heaved them onto his desk with a muffled thunk as Celestia turned to Nix.

“Several trains leave Canterlot daily, many of which pass through Ponyville. You are to use these bits to purchase a ticket and travel there, whereupon my student, Twilight Sparkle, will personally oversee the reclamation of your powers.”

“So you take away my weapons, tell me I’m a danger to your nation, oh, but here, have a bunch of money and also hang around one of my most important national assets and one of the few ponies you allow past your own psychological defenses,” the human retorted dryly. Celestia’s eyes narrowed. “What? I at least remembered that much from Luna’s mindrape. Ms. Lavender Schoolfilly is important to you, her, and all of Equestria,” he paused, his thumb on his chin, “although I forget why. You’re seriously tossing me a coupla bags of money and sending me on my way?”

“Not quite,” Celestia retorted coolly. “You are to be supervised at all times by Ridge Dancer, to ensure that you bring no harm to my citizens.”

Nix and Ridge Dancer shared an annoyed groan before the human caught himself and plastered a fake smile across his lips. He jabbed her shoulder a few times with forced enthusiasm. “You hear that, Dancie! We’ll be besties in no time!” The lime green unicorn merely glared at him.

“Private Ridge Dancer, you are to escort Phoenix to the train station immediately, and remain with him until the point in time he has power enough to continue his travels. My student will give you further instruction as I see fit,” Celestia commanded, her voice exuding the icy steel of her dominion.

“Yes, ma’am!” the light green unicorn exclaimed, her hoof shooting to her forehead in an exacting salute. “I won’t let you down.”

“Then go, my little pony,” the princess said, smiling warmly. Nix ignored the exchange, having grabbed the two bags of bits and slinging them over his shoulders. He trudged quietly out of the room, an annoyed scowl on his face, before Ridge Dancer turned and followed him out. Her features were set with determination.

Glancing Shock exhaled a sigh of relief almost inaudibly, finally free of two niggling problems that plagued his position. Celestia turned to the pegasus with a cold stare.

“As for you, Guard-Captain,” she stated evenly.

“Hmm?” he responded blandly, switching his half-lidded gaze from the door to the princess.

“You are to transfer your command to Colonel Stone Wall. As soon as the transition of your command is complete, I hereby order you to Ponyville to oversee the safety of my ponies posthaste. You are also to ensure the restoration of Phoenix’s abilities in an auxiliary manner, providing support to Ridge Dancer and Twilight Sparkle in whatever capacity they require.”

The Guard-Captain’s legs shuddered under the order, and his eyes began tearing up involuntarily even as his iron-hoofed control began to collapse.

“But I- my guards- you can’t- wasn’t I good enough?” he sputtered out, licks of electricity dancing down the wet paths on his cheeks forged by his tears. “I tried to be good enough. Shining Armor told me I could, so I tried-” He was interrupted by a hoof on his shoulder. He had lost control, completely lost control, and he almost recoiled in horror at being in contact with another pony in his state before a brilliant white wing wrapped around him and drew him close. The electrical impulses native to pegasi danced through his body feverishly and into the white alicorn as she embraced him closely. “No, you can’t! I-I-!” he protested. Celestia merely drew the light blue pegasus closer.

“You’ve done an excellent job as Guard-Captain, and you will do an excellent job as the captain of my Royal Guard in the future,” she reassured the pegasus, ignoring the numbing sensation of electricity in her wing and hoof as they embraced Glancing Shock. “Right now, however, I need you to help Nix, for the safety of Equestria and your guards. Can you do that for me?”

The sky blue pegasus gently pushed away from the princess, his eyes glazed over. He regarded her numbly before his monotone voice systematically trampled the silence of the moment. “Yes, princess, I can do that. Also,” his amber eyes shot worriedly to the other ponies in the room, all of them seemingly ignorant of the Guard-Captatin’s display, “I’m very sorry that I endangered the ponies around me It won’t happen again.”

“I know, Guard-Captain Glancing Shock,” she replied warmly, setting a reassuring hoof on his shoulder. She calmed inwardly when she couldn’t sense any electrical impulses as she did so. “But right now, Nix needs you, even if he doesn’t know it himself. Can you be there for him?”

Glancing Shock nodded grimly, sharply, the blue tips of his mane dancing in contrast to the seriousness in his eyes. Celestia watched him as he exited the room with his peculiar grace.

“Do I get a hug, too?” The weaselly voice penetrated her thoughts and she sighed, lifting herself up and heading towards the door.

“What?!” Discord cried after her. “Was it something I said?”

Princess Celestia paused at the threshold of the room, sparing him an annoyed glance. “Just...go see Fluttershy.”

“Yesss!” The dragonequus pumped his bear paw victoriously.

"Just make sure to keep an eye on Nix," Celestia commanded harshly, before amending her tone to something a bit more gentle. "If he remembers the fate of his sisters..."

"Yes, yes, tragedy, tears, wailing, rending of clothing, etcetera, etcetera," the Chaos god rambled dismissively before he winked out of view with a final derisive wave of his bird's claw.

The Sun Princess allowed herself a small smile and a shake of her head. ’They’re all crazy,’ she thought, her grin widening. She weaved a small glamour spell, instantly altering her appearance, then teleported into a small alleyway in Canterlot to ensure Nix and ‘Dancie’ caught their train.

Ridge Dancer cantered through the crowded marketplace on the way to the train station. The disaster earlier in the week had done little to quell Canterlot’s vibrant optimism, and she danced around a veritable throng of chirping ponies who were out and about, performing their daily activities with the same carefree aplomb they possessed for centuries before the human’s destructive intervention. The human merely followed closely behind her, sulking. The two bags of bits hung limply over his shoulders, and bounced off his wiry frame with every forced step. Their dull, metallic chink punctuated the towering biped’s distracted trudge through the crowd.

The light green unicorn did her best to keep her shimmering emerald eyes focused forward, blocking out the din of the crowd. She thought back to the harsh, mountainous spires of her fillyhood. She was so distracted with her memories of dancing through the verdant meadows and constricted canyons hidden amidst the towering peaks of her old home that she completely missed the point when the ringing toll of the human’s bits stopped clamoring in her ear.

“Okay, here’s the ticketmaster. We should be able to make the last train out of Canterlot,” she said, her brain forcibly abandoning thoughts of home and focusing on the cityscape around her. She flicked her eyes towards the gorgeous sunset before she turned around, finding herself alone at the tollbooth.

“Ma’am, would you like a ticket?” the pony in the tollbooth asked politely. She turned to him slowly, her jaw hanging loosely in a sudden, horrified realization.

She had lost the human.

Nix marched behind Dancie, a thousand grumbles voicing their malcontent in his head at once. He knew that Tia was jerking him around, somehow. She had thrown money at him and turned him loose with only one pathetic unicorn pony as his guard. He suddenly remembered said guard tossing him effortlessly through a great many very hard stone walls before he banished the memory and tried to remember something more pleasant.

Ayla clasped his gun, Umbra, in both hands, a look of terror and rage on her face as she pointed business end of the weapon towards the attackers at the door, her finger trembling on the trigger-

He squashed the thought violently and focused on his surroundings instead. Stereotypical marketplace, only a bunch of damn horses instead of people. He mentally patted himself on the back for remembering how to think “people”. Lots of chattering, most of ‘em bartering and such, when they weren’t gawking awkwardly at him as he walked by. Not that he cared. They were all annoying as shit, and-

“But Ma, I’m hungry!” a colt’s voice penetrated his thoughts. He slowed his pace, cocking his head towards a mare and the two young ponies sitting at her hooves, looking up at her expectantly.

“Don’t you worry, what kinda Mama would I be if I couldn’t keep my own colts well-fed, so they could grow up to be nice, strong stallions?” She smiled down at her colts, but tears began to well up at the bottom of her quivering eyes as she remembered the loss of her bits during last week’s disaster. “One tiny lil’ explosion won’t keep Flowing Needles from feeding her boys. Just give me one second to ask the nice ponies for something.”

The young colts cheered, one of them leaping in the air triumphantly before punctuating his celebratory leap by shouting , “My mom is the best mare ever!”

The mother of the two colts looked like she had been slapped across the face, but the cauliflower-colored earth pony quickly recovered before her two children noticed her despair. But not before Nix noticed.

’Oh, goddammit, it’s that look. Again. And it’s your fault. Again.’ It always was, wasn’t it? He sighed to himself even as he shifted both bags of bits to his left shoulder. He raised his right hand and snapped his fingers. He gallivanted through the rest of the market lightly, as though a weight were removed from his shoulders.

Celestia failed to suppress a grin as she watched the bags of money disappear from the human’s shoulders and plop down in the distraught mare’s lap, to the amazement of the two colts who sat before her. She backed slowly into the shady alleyway behind her, the twilight’s darkness subsuming her solar cutie mark even as she heard the mare tearfully ask her colts if they’d like to go to Donut Joe’s. The princess shook her glamor-disguised head in quiet amusement before teleporting from her capital city’s streets, back to her castle.

’Oh no oh no oh no,’ Ridge Dancer thought in a panic. She rushed around the foyer of the train station, lifting up random objects hoping vainly that they might be concealing the human. She unsurprisingly came up empty-hooved, but she continued her manic hunt. ’How will I explain this to Captain Shock and Princess Celestia?!’

She felt something prod her shoulder rudely, but she swatted it away with her hoof, continuing her search. The same feeling jabbed her shoulder more forcefully, almost painfully, and she retreated from her nervous fears to address the sensation.

Nix stood next to her, his arms crossed and an annoyed look on his face. “Scavenger hunts can be a lot of fun, I know, but we’re gonna miss the train at this rate,” he explained plainly.

“I, err, oh, yes, let’s get tickets.” The two of them approached the toll booth. The red-maned stallion inside gawked at Nix before shaking his head and reassuming his professional air.

“Tickets are 12 bits apiece, 20 bits for two,” he stated boredly.

“You heard the stallion, Dancie. Pay him and let’s both go to Ponyville,” the human said dismissively.

“But, I thought you had the bits?” she offered meekly.

The human turned his cold blue eyes on her, glaring foully. “I thought you had them,” he stated sharply, jabbing an accusatory finger her way.

“No, I- I- It’s just,” she dropped her gaze to the ground and voiced a schismatic string of stammering.

The pony in the ticket booth just rolled his eyes. “No bits, no ticket!” he said brusquely before slamming the booth’s blinds down. Ridge Dancer stared numbly, realizing she had failed yet again in her assigned tasks.

Her chest wretched as she began to sob. She wasn’t a good guardpony. She couldn’t guard the Princess. She could barely keep track of the human. She couldn’t buy a simple train ticket. Her eyes began to water. She couldn’t even make her Dad-

She felt a slight sting on the back of her head as something swatted her.

“Hey, Dancie, you gonna water the cobblestones here or are we gonna catch a train to Ponyville?” Nix asked with more than a little irritation in his voice.

“But, the tickets- I- no bits-” she stammered out. The human just rolled his eyes before dropping to one knee and grabbing her jaw, forcing her eyes to meet the flickering blue flames behind his own.

“I’m a reality-breaking godslayer who scares even your princesses,” he spoke soberly, “and you’re the unicorn who kicked the everloving shit out of my ass when I got here.” She jerked her head away and looked back to the ground shamefully. Nix dragged her face back to his and forced her to meet his eyes again. “I’m pretty sure we can manage to catch a train,” he intoned wryly. “We just need to get a bit...creative.”

Ridge Dancer stared at him with wide-eyes, unsure whether to feel sad, hopeful, or afraid. Her face absolved her ambiguity for her, spilling out an optimistic grin as her eyes began to match the mischievous glint of the alien’s ice-blue gaze.

Ridge Dancer screeched in terror as a hairless, peach-colored hand slammed her face into the metal roof of the train. The brightness of the world winked out as they entered another stone tunnel. She began to tremble uncontrollably, even under the firm grasp of the human who now held her face down on top of the racing train. Her horn glowed frantically, desperately increasing the coefficient of friction on her hooves to keep her in place atop the speeding train.

As they exited the tunnel and a shock of sunlight assaulted her eyes, she shot a terrified look towards the human next to her. Chaotic gusts of wind assailed his dark grey leather trenchcoat as its tail buffeted violently behind him. Light blonde locks of his hair twisted harriedly in the rushing air around them, the last of the day’s light illuminating his mane with fluttering, golden-orange fire. And his face, his ugly primate face, it was resplendent with a look of manic, innocent glee, even as he swung it towards her and shouted.

“You should be more careful! I don’t think big fucking rocks mix with your face as easily as they do with mine! Last tunnel for a while, though!”

“You’re crazy!” she shouted back, wondering how he had convinced her to do this, before she remembered he had just grabbed her and leapt atop the train as it started to move. “Trust me,” he had said.

“Completely, utterly crazy!” she reiterated loudly as the train rounded a bend, bringing it out of a canyon and onto the outward slope of the mountain on which Canterlot rested. They were thousands of feet in the air, and the whole of Equestria expanded in her view. The sun twinkled at the horizon, spilling its pleasant glow across the world before her and setting the clouds above aflame in an impassioned cascade of violet, sienna, and goldenrod. The landscape below bristled lively under countless winds from every direction, grassy meadows paralleling their forested sisters as they quivered amidst the sun’s dying light, shimmering with equal splendor as every tendril of grass and every swaying branch offered up the twilight’s last light in selfless reflection to those rare few who abandoned their selfish plights long enough to accept its warm oblation. Splitting through the middle was a river transformed by the eve into molten gold, gingerly separating the verdant landscape with the shimmering mirror of its waters.

The green unicorn’s breath caught in her throat.

“Just wait until I remember how to fly!” The human shouted suddenly, bursting into laughter.

’Crazy,’ she thought to herself again, holding onto the roof of the train for dear life. ’Utterly crazy.’

Ridge Dancer couldn’t help herself, and laughed wildly with Nix as the train continued its descent down the mountain and sped towards Ponyville.

Author's Notes:

Between my updated story synopsis and this chapter, you should all (hopefully) have a good idea where I’m taking the story. If you expected Nix to fly around Equestria, smashing and/or shooting things while everypony simpered over his greatness, I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed. I joked about Nix being a Mary Sue, and those jibes were just that: jokes. Nix is pretty deeply flawed, and while he has his moments, he is not the badass you are looking for. Yet. If you want to read pure, unadulterated badassery, look here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/81086/incepto-ne-desistam It’s probably the most amazing action scene I can remember reading. If you just want something awesome without reading, look up Monty Oum and watch his videos.

Having said that, I really do have something very epic planned for the conclusion of this story. Let’s just say there’s more than a few badasses in Equestria, OC or otherwise, and they all come out of the woodwork in this story’s climax. And then let’s magically abandon that thread of thought and leave it alone for now...For now. :D

Seriously, I know what I’m doing. I think. If you guys wanna murderate my terrible attempts at literature, by all means, do so via the comments or PMs. Your critiques would only make the story better, and I welcome all of them.

You all have my countless thanks for reading the awkward artifice that is my bumbling attempts at literature, whether you enjoy it or not.

Finally, many thanks to James-the-Brony for agreeing to be my prereader, even though I posted this chapter in a drunken fit of poor impulse control before receiving his input. If anyone else is interested in being a prereader, lemme know. I can't ask that anyone actually waste their time editing my drunken ramblings, but having a few objective eyes to look my chapters over before I submit them would go a long way in preventing my dumb ass from haphazardly flinging my unedited chapters at fimfiction on a drunken whim.