Bad Company

by Symphony

First published 25th of January, 2013

After a wild night out on the town, Jay decides to go back to Pony-land for a quick visit. Things don't go quite as planned though as he finds himself trapped in a dimension full of colorful ponies and friendship.

After a wild night out on the town, Jay decides to go back to Pony-land for a quick visit. Things don't go quite as planned though as he finds himself trapped in a dimension full of colorful ponies and friendship.

He's not very happy about it.

Reading the prequel is not required as this story is loosely related to it. To avoid confusion, this is not a Battlefield crossover. Cover art commissioned from Mix-up! Check him out if you're in need of a cover art!

Ch. 1 - Kids, Don't Travel Through Dimensions Under The Influence

I stumbled out from the closet, leading into the pony world I swore I’d never return to. But my good friend alcohol said that it was a super idea to go there now! I mean, I'm drunk and all, but *hic* But those ponies are stupid! They won't even *hic* Even realize what's going on when I'm there out of-fucking-nowhere! Ha!

And you know I was so sober that I totally didn't stumble and fall over... I picked myself up and tried to continue walking only for my legs to give up from time to time. I realized that there was no point in trying to get out from the house I was currently in, so I looked around until I spotted a nice, closed door. I opened it and saw that it led to some kind of basement. I chuckled to myself and descended down the stairs, nearly falling over in the process.

As I was walking around in the basement, the alcohol really hit my senses and I started to feel sleepier with every passing second. I groaned and lay down on the floor. It was hard and not very comfortable, but it would have to do for now.

I groaned and rolled over onto my side, slowly moving my hand to my face. I tried to think of what happened the night before, but without any luck. ”What the hell did I do last night...” I grumbled and sat up, only to hit my head on something. Cursing I cracked my eyes open to see that the assailant was, in fact, a table of some sort. I rubbed the spot on my head with my right hand as I moved myself away from the table.

My stomach rumbled and a sudden urge to vomit made itself known. I lifted a hand to cover my mouth in panic and looked around. I didn't find some kind of trashcan, so with the grace of a rhino I leaned over the table and puked. ”Oh great, a hangover as well...” My stomach churned again. I sat down on a nearby couch and massaged my temples as the headache began. '...Well, at least I don't feel too bad anymore...' I thought.

I stood up and looked around. I was apparently in a basement of some sorts, as I noticed a staircase in the far end of the room, leading up to a door. This didn't seem to be an ordinary basement, as there were some strange machines and weird stuff lying around. My mind wandered off to the last time I had found myself waking up in a weird basement... I couldn't sit right for a week... 'Never another redhead...' I shook my head and took another look around. There weren't many things worth pointing out, but the machines scattered around were actually pretty neat. I giggled like a kid in a candy store and started playing around with them.

It wasn't long before I found a big, ominous red button giving off a faint glow. It was even encased by a plastic box with black and yellow stripes around it. All of those details made it very obvious that it was a button I really shouldn't touch. Well... Guess what?

I pushed it. Disregard the authorities, brethren!

The machine started blinking and rumbling. 'Maybe this was a bad idea, after all...' I panicked and looked around for some kind of cover. I saw the couch in the corner of the room and made for it. I leapt over it and covered my ears, preparing for the blow. The rumbling increased by the second, and eventually it felt like a minor earthquake. I heard some panicked shouts from the stairway. The rumbling started decreasing and I let out a sigh of gratitude due to the headache. I decided to stay behind the couch for the moment. The voices started talking again.

“Woah, what happened, Twi?” A young male voice said. ‘Huh... That was a weird nickname...’ Oh well, I shouldn't say anything. Each to their own and stuff like that.

“I don't know Spike... But the protection to the override button is lifted... I think there's somepony else down here...” That voice was obviously female, as-... ‘Wait... Did she say somepony instead of someone..?’ And that voice sounded kind of familiar...

To my own amazing luck, a sudden urge to sneeze started building up. I lifted my left hand to my nose and held my breath. I felt the sneeze go away and I sighed, allowing my hand to leave my face. And of course, as soon as I did that, I sneezed. And it wasn't a small, dainty sneeze; it was one of those sneezes which make you go 'What the hell just happened?' afterward.

“Over there! Behind the old couch!” The female voice exclaimed. “Go check it out, Spike.” I heard a sudden rustle coming from across the room, followed by footsteps. They stopped right next to the couch. I held my breath and tried to make myself smaller... It didn't go very well... Suddenly, a small purple head with green spiky-things was right in my face. It looked almost like some kind of lizard... We stared at each other in silence for a few seconds, and then screamed at the top of our lungs.

I scrambled to stand up and jumped over the couch, where some weird, purple dog...horse...thing... was standing 'Wait, isn't she..?' I for one, screamed again and tried to run away, only to find myself running in circles while yelling some weird gibberish. Now that's classy, people. I eventually tripped and smacked into the floor head first, drawing blood.

“Ow, son of a... Stupid floor...” I groaned and sat up with my back toward a nearby wall. The purple...thing took a step forward, and I tensed and scrambled to get away. “No, bad dog! Bad! Go piss on something else!”

“You..!” The pony shouted taking another step closer, “I remember you! You're the one who came through the dimensional doorway a month ago!” Her... Horn?... flared and an aura of some kind started glowing around it. She lifted a nearby chair and jabbed it toward me. I looked around for a weapon of my own. I found what looked like a leg from a table. I grabbed it and held it like a baseball bat.

”I'm not afraid to use this!” I swung it around a bit. She smirked and levitated two more chairs into the air. ”That's cheating!” I exclaimed with my arms held wide.

That's when it clicked. In my drunken stupor I had walked into the closet again... ”It's not cheating to use my magic, it's natural to me!” She pouted, ”I was never able to finish my report on dimensional doorways when you came back! And from what I heard, you destroyed a statue of the princess...” The aura stuff around the chairs and her horn turned into a slightly darker shade.

“Well, that was a month ago! For how long can you ponies hold a grudge anyway?” I crossed my arms with a huff. “Besides, I swore to stay out of this fucked up place the moment I returned home. And you destroyed my laptop!”

“Then why are you here again, if you swore to never return?” She lowered the chairs to the floor, but they were still glowing from her magic.

Last night...

”Dude!” I turned to my friend, who was slightly buzzed as well. ”Look what I found.” He held up a slightly dirty Barney the dinosaur suit.

”...Awesome” I slurred. ”Go on, put it on! We'll go and scare some kids with it!” He nodded and put it on clumsily, all while humming some weird song.

”You ready, man?” His voice was a little muffled from the mask. I nodded and we ran off to have some fun. I laughed as he tripped on his own feet and fell over. I helped him back up, and then we left.

“Long story short, I was stupid and decided to get drunk yesterday, leading me here when I was under the influence. Kids, don't travel through dimensions while drunk...” I drawled.

“I think he's insane, Twi...” I heard Barney whisper to the unicorn, who nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, you're probably right about that, Barney...” I nodded sagely.

“My name isn't Barney! My name's Spike!” He growled at me. I raised my arms to defend myself from the angry lizard. After a few tense seconds, I relaxed and brushed away some of my hair out of my face. I felt some blood from the hit earlier when I tripped, but shrugged it off and wiped the blood on my pants. I sighed and looked around in the basement again. When I turned my head back to them, the unicorn had stepped forward.

“Since I never asked this the first time you came here, what's your name?” I grinned. This was just a way to do something before returning home, but who says that I can't have some fun while I'm at it? I cleared my throat.

“I will not give you my name, pesky mortal! I am an eldritch god, and I can tell you... A... uh… A thing at a place that will make you all go bonkers in a matter of seconds!” I puffed out my chest and crossed my arms, still grinning.

When I noticed the look they were giving me, I deflated and sighed. “Well, you two are no fun... But alright... The name's Jay and I'm a human. Not much else to it worth pointing out. And you are..?” I looked at the pony.

“Oh, I never gave you my name the last time we met. I'm Twilight Sparkle! It’s nice to meet you, Jay!” She said politely and reached out with her right... Hoof? Whatever… I grabbed it and shook it. She stared at my hand as my fingers held her hoof in a firm grasp, but looked away as I noticed her staring.

“And as you already know, he's Spike.” Spike snorted a cloud of smoke when I looked at him. “And one more thing, you are in my basement and triggered a machine that could have made the entire library explode.” Her right eye twitched.

“Alrighty... Whatever you say, bad movies based on horrible books!” I walked past her and looked up the stairs. “You got any food around here? I'm starving.” As if on cue, my stomach decided to make one hell of a grumble. As I made my way up the stairs, Bad Movie and Barney started protesting wildly and told me to get back down in the basement. I ignored their pleading as I opened the door, and walked right into something fuzzy. I cursed and pushed away whatever it was that was in my way.

I heard something running up the stairs behind me. I presumed that it was Twilight who had decided to catch up with me. She gasped, “Princess!” ‘Silly pony, I'm not a pri-‘ I turned my head to see that I still had my hands on a big pony with a golden crown and necklace. The pony princess was staring at me with wide eyes. There were also some other white ponies in the room, but they were wearing some kind of golden armor and all of them looked pissed.

“Sun-butt! You're real! I mean, last time I was here I wrecked a statue of you, but I'm sure you wouldn't mind it at all! I mean, it made your butt look pretty damn big...” I grinned at her, and her mouth opened in shock. Before I could react, the golden ponies shouted commands and tackled me.

I saw Sun-butt approach me in the corner of my eyes and I tried to roll around to face her, but I guess I just looked like some kind of wiggling worm. I must've looked a little pathetic. She stopped next to where I was lying and looked down at me. “My, you really are a strange creature. An intelligent one at that...” She mused. Twilight, who now stood next to her gave her an 'are you shitting me-‘ look.

“I am sure that he didn't mean to disrespect me like that. Guards, you may release him.” One by one, the ponies who were holding me down moved away. I stood up and brushed off my clothes. “Now, how about we start over with our introduction, shall we?” She held her head higher and spread her wings. “I am Princess Celestia of Equestria. I raise the sun and rule the day.”

Did I.... Just assault royalty? Ooooh shit... “I um... I'm Jay, ruler of my bedroom. I raise an involuntary tent every morning.” I bit my lip. Did I... Really just say that? To my own relief, she chuckled while the guards just looked horrified. Spike covered his mouth and snorted, but a glare from Twilight silenced him. “I'll just... Go on home now...” I muttered and walked to the door I had entered to come here. As I turned the handle I expected to see my bed, but all I saw was a few cleaning supplies.

I felt a twinge of panic shoot through my body as I closed the door again and opened it again to see the same supplies as before. I tried several times. I was in full panic now. I can't get home... I can't get home... My family... What the hell is going on..? I slammed the door closed with all my strength, then opened it after a bit to see no changes.

After closing the door a final time, I turned around to face the ponies, leaned against the door and slumped down on the floor. All of the ponies except for Twilight Sparkle looked at me like I was crazy. Twilight looked at me in pity. I sighed and decided to speak my mind.

“I am sooo fucked...”

“Would... Somepony please explain this to me?” Sun-butt asked. I ignored her and tried to think of what went wrong. Twilight cleared her throat and started talking about some... Magical theory or whatever... The princess nodded from time to time to show her understanding.

Finally, Princess Celestia Sun-butt spoke up again. “It is most unfortunate what happened to you...” She looked straight into my eyes, but I looked away from her. “One thing about dimensional doorways is that they are very rare and unstable, and never exist at the same time for an extended period.” She sighed, “Sadly, this was the case here. The doorway ran out of power and collapsed, cutting off the connection to your world.”

“So, as a ruler of Equestria, I hereby officially welcome you to our world, Jay.” She finished with a small smile.

“Woo-freaking-hoo...” I drawled while waving my arms. “I don't plan on staying here that long, your highness, so you can shove your official greeting where the sun doesn't shine...” I grumbled and walked back down the stairs to the basement, then laid down on the couch. The killer headache was something I really didn't need right now...

----Third-pony switch----

“Well, that could have gone worse...” Princess Celestia mused aloud, receiving glances from the ponies in the room with her.

“Aren't... Aren't you gonna take him somewhere else?” Twilight felt a bead of sweat trickle down her forehead at the prospect of having the human stay in the library.

“Oh, no. I wouldn’t dream of it.” Princess Celestia shook her head with a chuckle. “I trust that you will help him and take good care of him while he's here.” Spike and Twilight gulped audibly.

“But... But he's so rude and is such a loudmouth! Besides, he isn't exactly one to trust!” Twilight tried to argue, but Celestia silenced her with a hoof to her shoulder.

“I have faith in you, Twilight. If somepony can change him, it must be you. I mean, a few years ago you were an antisocial shut-in with only one friend, who was also your assistant. And look at you now!” Princess Celestia smiled. Twilight had a hard time figuring out if she should be honored or insulted.

“Fine... He can't be that troublesome, after all...” Twilight lowered her head.

A crash and a loud 'oh shit' came from the basement, causing Twilight to cringe. When she turned back to the princess, she was nowhere to be seen, along with her guards. Twilight did notice that the door outside was wide-open. She groaned and shut it with her magic, then mentally prepared herself before she would head down into the basement.

“I have a feeling this won't end well...” Spike observed.

Ch. 2 - Fisticuffs...Hooficuffs... Whatever...

After realizing that I had been screwed over by some cruel entity due to me being stuck here, I laid back down on the couch I had claimed as my own. The possibility of me being stuck here for the rest of my life was... Pretty unsettling, to be honest... But when life gives you le- well, in my case, life flipped me the bird and took off toward the sunset in a -53 Cadillac Eldorado.

Point is, I'm pretty much fucked.

Now I'm stuck in a world of pastel-coloured equines, all from having a few too many drinks. I rubbed my temples in a soothing manner in an attempt to soothe the raging headache. ”Maybe I should make a promise to myself to stop drinking?” I mused.

”...Nah...” Who knows, I'll might need some alcohol for me to stay somewhat sane. With nothing else to do, I patted down myself to see if I had something of interest in my pockets. In my front right pocket was my wallet, as always. I'm pretty sure none of the ponies would accept dollars as a legit currency, meaning that I'm pretty much broke. Happy days for all... I also had my ID and some other crap stuffed in there.

I grinned as I felt the familiar shape of my phone in my left front pocket. I brought it forward and activated it. It still had full battery power, at least. As expected, it had no reception whatsoever. I shrugged as I unlocked it with my right hand as I continued rummaging around in my left pocket. I could not describe the feeling when I found the thing I was not expecting.

My crappy but still functioning in-ear headphones. And... They're tangled in a hellish way... I groaned and set the phone down, then untangled them. After that, I plugged them to my phone and turned on some music.

Take! Your! Tyrant!

I sighed contently as the musical orgasm provided by Týr clouded my mind. Music always had a strange way to calm me down in stressful times. After a few minutes, I felt a weak tug at my arm, and turned my head to come face-to-face with Bad Movies. She looked kinda concerned... I gave her a goofy grin and removed the left headphone. ”Did you want anything?”

She let out a breath. ”Oh good, you're alright...” She brought a hoof to her chest and took a few breaths. ”I said your name several times, but you didn't react so I thought something had happened...” She continued rambling.

”Uh...” I stared at her for a few moments. ”I was listening to music, and I had headphones plugged in so I couldn't hear you. Sorry 'bout that.” I shrugged and held up my phone, unlocked it and paused the music. When she didn't answer, I looked up to see her staring at my phone.

”What's... What's that?” She asked curiously while perking her ears forward. I grinned. Well, at least I could have some fun with her to pass some time...

”Oh this?” I raised my hand holding the phone a little. She followed my moment and nodded. ”It's just some alien technology which has never been seen in Equestria ever before...” I could almost swear that she was drooling and her eyes sparkled. Her ears lowered slowly. ”Just think about everything you could learn from studying it...” I jiggled it just in front of her face, and she followed its every movement. I made sure that the screen was still on as I prepared for the last part. ”So... Do you want to study it?”

”Yes!” She screamed. ”Oh Celestia, yes!”

Meanwhile in the main room of the library...

”Yes!” Spike heard Twilight scream. ”Oh Celestia, yes!”

Spike froze and his right eye twitched. He laid down and started sucking on a thumb. ”Unhear, unhear, unhear, unhear...” He muttered.

Twilight looked almost like she was ready to burst at any given moment. She stared at the piece of technology in my hand longingly. I grinned sadistically, and moved the phone away from her and flipped it into the air. She gasped. I caught it with my other hand expertly and turned away from her.

”Well too freaking bad.” I could almost hear glass shatter as her expression turned sour. Her mouth hung open and her ears shot back. I cleared my throat and pretended to speak to the phone directly. I discretely moved my finger to the button which turned off the phone. ”Phone, initiate complete data destruction.” I pressed down on the button, and the screen of the phone went dark.

She looked horrified and she stuttered. I fought with everything I had to keep myself from laughing at her expression. ”You...bu...I...tech...destroyed...” I walked past her and patted her back.

”Tough luck, kiddo.” I said and walked back to the stairs. ”Everything that happened in this basement is confidential under the Oath of Snoopy and Batman. No one, human or pony is ever supposed to know everything on that device.” I shrugged. ”It's a bit of an overkill, but no one wants to face the wrath of Woodstock or Elmo.” I faked a shudder. ”Nasty stuff...”

”But... You said...” She argued weakly.

”I know what I said, therefor I have to erase your memory of what happened here...” I patted around my pockets one last time, and felt a tiny box. I pulled it up, still facing away from her. It was Tic-Tacs. Perfect... I deposited one into my right hand and slipped it into my pocket once again. ”Avast, ye foul beast!” I shouted and turned toward her. She screeched and tried to run away from me.

I managed to catch her before she was able to gain some ground. She thrashed and shot a few stray magical bolts. All of them missed me, but one of them was way too close for comfort... I pried her mouth open and deposited the tic-tac in it. She thrashed for a few seconds, until she stopped.

”Is that... A breathmint..?” She asked carefully, glaring at me. I dropped her, and she turned to me with a frown instantly. I brought the box of tic-tacs out of my pocket, deposited three in my hand and threw them into my mouth.

”Minty. Fresh.” I gave her the biggest grin I could manage to do. I brought forward my phone and activated the screen and showed it to her. ”What? Was this what you wanted?” I asked innocently and battered my eyelashes.

She gritted her teeth and... Is that smoke coming from her ears..? ”You... You... You!” She raised her voice. I took a step back and gulped as the temperature in the basement grew higher with every passing second.

And that's how I learned that unicorns ponies can turn into a Ponyta when they get pissed, I shit you not. Her hair actually burst into flames and her coat became pristine white. I raised my arms and backed away from her, ready to make a break for it if I had to. Weird thing was that as soon as it started, it ended abrubtly.

She was breathing heavily, still glaring at me and a grim scowl on her face. I grinned and backed away from her slowly. She started taking deep breaths while counting to ten. After that, she looked up at me with a creepily calm smile. Her right eye twitched once. ”If I remember correctly, you were hungry, right?” I nodded. ”Well then, let's just go to Sugarcube Corner then for something to eat...” She walked past me with her head held low and her ears back.

I shrugged and followed her. 'She'll be fine, I'm sure she can handle a joke... Or two... Or three...' I chuckled. She glared back at me and stared for a few solid seconds, then turned back and walked up the stairs. I decided not to push my luck any further and kept silent as I followed her. When we were at the main room-place-thi... Y'know, I think I'll just call the entire thing just a library. Too confusing to keep up with all the names for different rooms. Kitchen, bedroom, living room...

Fuck it, it's in a library so it will be called just a library.

However, near the middle of the room was the little lizard-thing, Spike. ”Do you want to come to Sugarcube Corner with Jay and I, Spike?” Twilight asked him. He jumped as she placed a hoof on his shoulder.

”No uh... I'm fine. I had a big breakfast.” He shrugged. His eyes darted around the room. ”Sooo... How did it go in the basement? Had any fun..?” He cringed. Twilight and I glanced at each other, then at him.

”Nah, bro. It ended too soon to be that fun.” I grinned. Twilight groaned. Spike eeped and looked away.

”Let's just go, Jay...” Twilight growled and trotted out into the streets. I followed and closed the door behind us. As soon as I exited the library, several ponies heads turned toward me. Some of them lookes less than pleased to see me. Eh, probably because of the... Splash I caused last time I came here...

Let's just say that I seriously hope that fountain wasn't made to drink from...

I walked a little faster as some of the bulkier ponies started approaching me. But when they spotted Twilight, they just kinda... Backed off... Are those ponies who could easily swat Twilight scared of her? How the hell does that make sense? It's not like she packs enough power to whoop some evil's ass! I mean, look at her! She's freaking tiny!

...Well, pretty much all of the ponies are tiny, but she's still kinda smaller than all the other ponies I've seen. ”We're here.” She said suddenly. I looked where she was looking and there was a house that looked like some... Giant gingerbread house with loads of candy accessories.

You know, if there's a witch in there I'm just gonna turn on my God damn heel and run away from this town and to never return. She walked inside and by the nine, everything looked so sugar-induced I would just die from breathing the air inside. I followed Twilight to the counter. Behind the counter was a tall, lanky yellow pony with a tiny hat on his head. I narrowed my eyes, and so did he.

That's the fucker who clocked me in the back of my head with a stone. He looked down to Twilight and smiled, but glared at me shortly after. ”So... What will you two have today?” He hissed.

”Uh, I'll just have a blueberry muffin. What about you, Jay?” She turned to me.

”Same as you...” I never looked away from him. ”And some coffee. This hangover isn't exactly treating me too well right now...” Twilight nodded and levitated some coins onto the counter. The dick of a pony slid a cup of coffee and two muffins onto the counter. I snatched my order from it and turned away.

”What was that about..?” Twilight whispered to me. ”I've never seen him act so... Hostile to anypony before.”

”Yeah well, I'm not exactly a pony, now am I?” I muttered. ”'Sides, he threw a stone at me last time I was here. He has a surprisingly good aim for having to throw something with his hooves...” I growled. She shook her head.

”Oh daaaarling~” Twilight turned her head to where the voice had come from. ”Twilight, come sit with us back here!” Twilight smiled and started walking to some white unicorn with a curly purple mane sitting next to a yellow wingy-pony and...

Oh sweet Jesus, not her... Anyone but her! Sitting in front of the yellow pony was a pink pony with a poofy pink mane. I gulped audibly, but followed Twilight to the table anyway. Twilight sat down on a bench and scooted in, leaving me a seat on the bench as well. Right... next to the pink demon...

”Well girls, this is Jay.” She motioned toward me with a hoof. ”He ended up here after some magic mishap containing a dimensional doorway and other magical theories.” All of the ponies at the table, including me stared at her. She sighed. ”...He's stuck here after some magic went haywire.” Now the ponies nodded and I leaned back in my seat.

”Welcome to Equestria then, darling!” The white pony beamed. ”How do you find it so far?” She smiled.

”Well...” I scratched the back of my head. ”Your princess is kind of a bitch, all of you smell like barnyard animals, I'm stuck here and I can't wait to mosey off back home. All in all, it's... Sorta acceptable, I guess.” I shrugged. The ponies stared at me slack-jawed. The yellow pony squeaked and hid beneath the table. ”What? Was it something I said?” I sipped from my coffee.

The pink demon was the first one to recover. ”Well... I should throw you a party when you're gonna stay here! Wouldn't it be fun?” She giggled. ”I'll invite everypony so they get to know you better! It's gonna be awesome, right girls?” She turned to her friends, who all coughed awkwardly and looked the other way.

”Err yes... Twilight, may I talk to you in private for a minute?” The prissy pony asked Twilight. Twilight nodded and followed her to the far corner of the shop. I watched them go, and when I glanced over the counter the pony who had served us was still glaring at me whilst slowly wiping a cup. I rolled my eyes.

-Third pony switch-

When they were sure that the human couldn't hear them, Rarity turned to Twilight. ”You do realize that pretty much everypony holds a grudge on him after last time he was here, right?” Twilight nodded. ”And do you realize when he stays with you, you're positioning yourself in the line of fire?”

Twilight nodded again. ”Look Rarity, I know he can be rude, but he's completely lost here. He doesn't have any bits and nowhere to stay. I would feel horrible if I threw him out. I think he's just putting on a brave face to hide the fact that he's scared...” Twilight sighed.

”I... suppose it could be like that, but it does not change the fact that he insulted Princess Celestia just like that.” Rarity frowned. ”And his outfit is so tacky...” She glanced back to the table they had left. Both Rarity and Twilight had no idea of what to make of the situation.

Jay was holding a batch of cupcakes to his chest while hissing to Pinkie pie. Pinkie accepted the challenge and growled back at him, while reaching for a cupcake. Jay snarled and turned his upper body away from her, holding the cupcakes just out of Pinkie's reach. Pinkie's eyes narrowed and she snarled, growled and barked like a rabid timberwolf.

Jay eeped and lost his grip on the plate, dropping the confections on the ground. In some reality-bending manner, Pinkie was able to catch all of the falling cupcakes with her mouth. After the deed, she burped and bounced back to her seat. Jay stared at her in silence, until he finally raised his fist. Pinkie understood the gesture and bumped her hoof to the fist.

”I have a strange feeling those two will have fun together...” Rarity said, ”and I am not sure if that is good or terrifying...”

”It could be a little bit of both...” Twiligt shrugged. ”Now come on, let's go back to them. We can talk more about this later at the library.”

”I will come by later then, darling!” Rarity smiled and sat down by the table. Jay stood up and allowed Twilight to walk past him and return to her place.

”So we'll have the party tomorrow then?” Pinkie squeaked excitedly. ”I usually just throw a surprise party, but this is gonna be so fun!” Pinkie waved her hooves.

”Yeah well, as long as we play it cool I won't have any problems with a party.” Jay scratched his right forearm. ”I don't really like surprises. They usually just piss me off.” He shrugged. Pinkie shot from her seat and hugged him. Jay's eyes widened at the sudden approach, but he rolled his eyes and tried to focus on something else.

”I'm gonna go and check my party supplies! Bye Jay, bye girls!” She hopped away, humming a song.

-First person switch-

”I... Can't smell anything else but raspberries and cotton candy...” I said slowly. The ponies around the table raised their eyebrows, even the yellow one peeking over the edge of the table. I heard someone gritting their teeth. It wasn't a big surprise that it was the pony by the counter. He obviously didn't like my close encounter with Pinkie. I grinned.

My grin widened and I waggled my eyebrows. Before I could react, a cup was flying right at me. I caught it with my forehead. ”That's fucking it!” I shouted and grabbed a chair from the table next to me, ran toward the counter and leaped over it. I swung the chair toward his head, hitting the mark. The chair splintered and I released it, then punched him right in the nose, drawing blood.

He headbutted me, making me stumble back a few steps. He turned around and bucked me in the stomach, making me bend forward and cough. He prepared to buck again. I rolled away from his hindlegs just before they made contact, grabbed the left one and punched him in the stomach.

As he tried to recover, I grabbed him and threw him over the counter. I followed him, and as I closed in on him, he punched the three times with his left foreleg. Didn't help that he was wearing horseshoes... After a final punch, I felt my nose break and a constant stream of blood ooze from my nose. I stumbled back a few steps, but kneed him in the face as he tried to charge me.

The ponies screamed as I threw him onto a nearby table. I punched him in the stomach again, but he kicked me in the stomach, making me take a few steps back. He stood up on the table and leaped toward me with a mad glint in his eyes. I grinned. Before he could get too close, I grabbed his throat and smashed him to the floor. He stayed down after that. I glanced around the shop to see that the ponies who hadn't fled were staring at me with wide eyes.

Twilight and her friends just glared at me, but the yellow pony was.... Still hiding... I felt light-headed and tried to regain my balance. ”Well... That was one hell of a failure at a good first impression...” I slurred.

Then I fell unconscious.

Author's Notes:

Unedited chapter!

Now, remember that Jay didn't exactly become popular after his last visit in Ponyville, so he's gonna have some opposition amongst the townsponies throughout the whole story.

Ch. 3 - I Don't Need No DAMN Hospital! Just Ignore the Bleeding!

I have no idea of how long I was out, or where the hell I was. The first thing to come to my senses was the stinging smell of animals and shit. I wrinkled my nose in disgust and groaned. As my hearing started returning gradually, I heard a few voices a bit away from me. One of the voices belonged to Twilight, but I decided to just listen in to what they were saying.

”This is what I meant, Twilight! Just when you let him out of your sight, he runs off and picks a fight with somepony!” Some posh voice whined. Twilight tried to say something, but the other voice just continued her rant.

Bitch.

”It's not safe for you to have him in the library, who knows what he will do next? He wasn't exactly a saint the last time he came to Ponyville!”

Oh would she just shut the fuck up already...

”Um... Rarity, you have to quiet down a bit... You're scaring my animals with your shouting...” A new voice spoke. This one was a lot quieter and softer.

”I'm sorry, Fluttershy. I have to leave and pick up Sweetie Belle from school now anyway. I'll see you... Three later.” The sounds of hooves on hard floor and a door opening and closing ran through the room.

A dejected sigh came from what I guessed to be Twilight. ”I know that you're just trying to help him, Twilight... But... She's right on a few things. The things he did the last time are hard to forget, after all..”

Damn, that would follow me for my entire time here... And from what I've experienced so far, the ponies weren't really the forgiving kind... I sat up and rubbed my eyes and an alarmed squeak sounded. I shrugged it off as I rolled my shoulders. I looked down at Twilight who was frowning, and behind her was the yellow wingy-pony from the bakery.

”What were you thinking when you picked a fight with Carrot Cake, huh?” Twilight got right up in my face, pressing her nose toward mine. Oh come on? You really thought I would let a opportunity like this slide by? Ha!

With a massive shit-eating grin, I spoke up. ”Well, well, Twilight... If you wanted to get this close, why didn't you buy me dinner first?” I had to hold back a laugh as she shot away from me and sputtered a few nonsensical words. A 'pomf' sound came and I looked up to see the wingy-pony trying to force her wings back down.

”Oh relax, would you Twilight?” I laughed. ”I wasn't serious when I said that, and the fight happened because he threw a cup in my face and was giving me dirty looks the entire time I was in there... AND he threw a few rocks in my head the last time I was here.”

”You beat him to a bloody pulp in front of his children!” Twilight countered.

”Oh... Oh crap... Well I didn't...” I scratched the back of my head. ”Hell, I didn't know that there were kids watching us go at it...”

”See? You should have been a bit more careful a-”

”If I knew that there were kids in there I would have taken it outside.” I shrugged as I stretched my back and rolled my shoulders. Twilight's right eye twitched furiously. I decided to lay off her for the moment and took a quick look around. ”You know... It's a custom that the ones who pass out after a brawl get taken to a hospital... So uh... Where... Am I exactly?”

”We decided to take you to Fluttershy's cabin instead of the hospital. Fluttershy knows animals as a veterinarian and caretaker, so we assumed that she would be our best option.” Twilight still held her glare directed toward me.

”But I'm a sapient being! Not a cat or any other stupid animal! I can talk, think and do stuff because of my superior brain!” I exclaimed. Twilight shook her head and turned away from me.

”We should get going... Thanks for your help, Fluttershy.” She smiled at her friend, but her expression soured as she turned to me. ”You. Follow. Now.”

Geez, some ponies... Can't take a few jokes without turning into a massive cunt in the aftermath... ”You know, you would be a lot more pleasant to be around if you wouldn't take everything so seriously all the time. Lighten up a bit!” I exclaimed with my arms held wide as we crossed a bridge outside the building.

”Well, maybe if you would be serious for once I wouldn't be so high-strung all the time!” She countered with her voice raised. ”Things would go much smoother if you would just be quiet and help me when I ask for it. Currently we are researching dimensional doorways so you might have a way home eventually... So please be patient and stop being such an... ass all the time!” She glared at me. I took a step back and sighed.

”I'm sorry...” I shoved my hands down my pockets and kicked the ground, creating a small cloud of dust. ”I'm gonna be honest with you for a minute now...” She stopped and turned back to me. I bit my lip and locked her gaze to mine. ”I'm... terrified of the fact that I probably won't be able to go home again... And if I do get home, how much time would have passed? How would they react to me coming back home after being gone for months, maybe even years?”

I trudged past Twilight. ”I keep making jokes and pulling pranks so I can have a laugh instead of worrying and getting depressed because of my own paranoia and fear... I'd rather attempt to laugh and have fun rather than become a shell and retract to be with myself. And this town? Ponies hate me. I can't walk around alone, because when we walked to the Sugarcube Corner earlier today, I saw a mob starting to form...” Twilight gasped. ”They only backed off when they saw you next to me.” I shrugged. ”Let's just head back to the library, okay?”

Twilight nodded. ”Hang on, if you don't want to walk through town again, I can teleport us to the library. Are you ready?”

”Wait, wha-”

*TELEPORTATION SOUND EFFECT NOISE STUFF KA-FLASH*

”Please... Warn me... Next time...” I huffed and leaned toward the nearest wall. I held a hand to my head as I composed my brain. Twilight giggled at my reaction beside me, and I glared at her. ”This isn't funny.”

”To me it is.” Twilight smirked. ”Now, I have to go and study upstairs for a while. You can probably find something to do in the library on your own.”

”Actually... I was thinking about writing a letter to the princess regarding some stuff... You got a pen or something?” I rubbed the back of my head. Twilight grinned.

”Writing to princess Celestia about what you've learned today?!” She exclaimed. Her horn glowed and a piece of parchment and an inkwell, along with a quill appeared beside her.

”Riiight...” I arched an eyebrow and grabbed the things from her.

”Just give it to Spike later and he'll send it to her for you.” She said as she walked up the stairs I thanked her and walked into the kitchen and sat by the table. I stared at the quill for a few moments, until I shrugged and started writing.

'Yo Sunbutt,

It's Jay here from Horsetown, or whatever the damn place was called. Anyway, I know that this might be a bit sudden, after me just coming here and all, but I felt like I needed to adress this ASAP.

I want some money so I can get a place of my own. Since I am a guest from another dimension. (Can I be a diplomat by the way?) I feel like it would be in our best interests if that would happen. Also because I can't go anywhere on my own without being stoned. The bad kind of stoned as well.

So yeah. Bye and stuff, I guess.

I could leave some kind words here, but I decided not to. Cheers,
Jay'

I cringed at my terrible handwriting as I rolled up the parchment and took a look around the library for the little lizard thing. I found him in one of the backrooms. ”Hey Spike,” he jumped as I adressed him ”would you mind sending this off to Celestia?”

”Uh... Sure.” I gave him the parchment. He unfurled it and read it. He looked up at me like I was insane. ”Really?” He asked with a single raised eyebrow.

”Yes, really... C'mon, get on with it. I don't have all day.” I tapped a foot to the floor impatiently. He rolled his eyes and opened a window close to him. He took a deep breath, and.. blew fire on it?! ”Dude! What the fuck?” I exclaimed.

The burning parchment became a sparkling, purple mist which slithered out through the open window toward some mountain with a big-ass castle on it. ”I... sent it to princess Celestia like you asked me to...”

Oh, magic. Right. It kinda slipped my mind there for a bit. A few minutes passed, and Spike's cheeks bulged. I prepared myself to take a step back if some alien would burst out of him. Precautions, y'know... A gout of green fire came along with a loud burp that was actually pretty impressive. I gave him a pat on the back as I picked up the parchment with my other hand, then unfurled it.

'Dear Jay,

No, and no. You can have ONE bit to buy a lottery ticket or something. Get a job, and while you're at it, get a haircut. You look silly.

Regards,
Princess Celestia of Equestria'

Well played, sunbutt... Well played. I took a deep breath to calm down, and another burp came from Spike, but this time a single golden coin dropped on the floor in front of him. I gritted my teeth and picked up Spike in the biggest spine on his head. ”You're coming with me...”

”Twilight! Help!” He shouted. I covered his mouth with my free hand after pocketing the coin. I kicked the door open and stomped outside.

-10 minutes later-

”Aren't you gonna... Y'know, do anything with it?” Spike asked impatiently. I bit my lip and stared at the ticket in my hand. I took a deep breath and started scraping off the first layer. After everything was cleared, I just stared at the piece of whatever it is made of in confusion.

It... just looked like badly made squiggly lines with dots here and there. Since I couldn't make sense of whatever the hell was on it, I handed it over to Spike with a sheepish grin. He grabbed it from me with a roll of his eyes.

His eyes nearly tripled in size and his pupils became pinpricks. ”Dude...” He squeaked out. ”I'm not entirely sure, but if I read this right, you just won a million bits...”

…

wat

”*We interupt this broadcast because of technical difficulties due to the protagonist's brain shutting down from shock.*”

Author's Notes:

I have absolutely no idea what it is I'm doing. Seriously. Help me.

Ch. 4 Stupid White Diamond Butt Horse, She Dumb

I can't believe it... I just can't fucking believe it. Me, the guy who's shit luck led me to being trapped in a world of ponies... And now I'm rich.

I picked up Spike and screamed. He screamed as well, but he screamed in obvious fear. I stopped screaming and looked him straight in his eyes. ”We have to go turn this in, right now!” I held him under my arm like he was a football.

A big purple screaming football at that. I nearly tackled the door to the shop off its hinges as I swung the door open and dropped Spike. He yelped, then glared at me when he was on the floor. I sauntered up to the counter, then slammed my hand with the ticket on it. The unicorn pony behind the counter looked up at me with a raised eyebrow. ”I'll take this in cash.” I pushed the ticket toward it.

Her eyes widened as she read the result on it. I noticed that she re-read it several times, and even lighted up her magic... I guess she scanned the ticket for authencity or something like that. She stammered. ”W-well, of course... Let me just g-go and get it...”

She stood up from where she was sitting and walked into the back room. I tapped my fingers to the counter in a steady beat. After five minutes, she returned with two suitcases levitating beside her. She laid them on the counter and flipped open the latches with her magic.

”Well... It's five hundred thousand bits in each suitcase, counted magically and verified...” She said with a heavy sigh. I closed them and grabbed both of the suitcases with each hand with a grin, then turned around and almost skipped out of the building. Spike followed.

When we got a fair bit down the road, I turned around and saw the same mare from inside the building board over the door, then hang a sign that read 'Out of Business'. She walked away with her head hanging. I shrugged and kept on walking, heading straight to the library. Some of the ponies stared at me and Spike. I didn't care about them and started whistling a tune.

Spike walked in front of me and opened the door to the library and walked inside. I nudged the door closed with a foot. I heard some voices arguing from the floor above, so I decided to go and investigate...

The voices became louder as I ascended some stairs leading to a second floor, which I had no idea existed in the first place. Huh.

Anyway, I heard them go at it just at the other side of a closed door. I leaned down and put my left ear to the door. One of the voices arguing were Twilight and the other voice was that same bitching voice from the yellow wingy pony's place.

I bit my lip and narrowed my eyes, then grabbed the handle of the door and threw the door open. The ponies squeaked in fear and turned to me with wide eyes. I glared at the other unicorn in the room. Her coat was white, purple curly mane and dark blue eyes. Her butt-mark was three diamonds in a pattern. I walked toward her, she took a step back.

I momentarily turned my glare to Twilight. ”Out.” She offered no response and left the room, but glanced at her friend before she left. I turned back to the other pony who was still staring at me with wide eyes. After a few more moments of glaring at her, I spoke.

”Are you enjoying yourself?” I said venomously. She stuttered and her ears splayed back.

”P-Pardon?” She said quietly. I sighed and facepalmed.

”Are you enjoying yourself when you put me in the line of fire to all the ponies who wants to see me ripped to pieces?” I spat at her. ”You really don't know everything, do you?” She shook her head. ”Then why are you so fucking idiotic enough to open your mouth when you don't know about my situation?” I shook my head and sat down on a nearby chair.

”Well, you could be of assistance and share what you're going through.” She glared back. So she has some guts to stand up for herself, huh? ”And do keep in mind all the damage you caused when you first came along...”

”Alright, I'll tell you.” I stood up from the chair and ran my fingers through my hair. ”Well, when I first came through the portal yesterday, I won't lie and admit that I was no less than drunk off my ass..” I muttered. She scoffed. ”Anyway, I managed to stumble down the stairs to the basement and fall asleep there...”

”Classy.” She said sarcastically. I gave her a deadpan stare and she huffed.

”When I woke up, I had no idea where I was or how I got there but I did play around with some stuff in the basement. Nearly blowing up the entire library or something like that... Anyway, along came Princess Sunbutt and her merry gang of polished tincans.” I scratched the back of my head. ”I tried to go back through the doorway, but all I saw was cleaning supplies. No sign of my bed or my room at all.” I didn't even notice that my hands had started shaking.

”So that's when I realized that it would take a very long time before I would be able to go home... Or if I can go home at all...” I closed my eyes. ”Then just everything... broke. I wouldn't be able to see my sister graduate. She had been nagging on me to come for weeks... I can't help out my friends with anything they get on with...”

”Instead I'm stuck here, in some fucked up world where talking horses are the dominant species!” I shouted. ”And this cunt, right here is trying to get me thrown out on the streets where I would either be a living freakshow or a dead body scientists will have fun poking me in places I don't want to be poked!” I breathed heavily ”So please. Tell me, are you enjoying yourself?”

She shook her head slowly. ”That's a good girl.” I smirked. ”Now, if you would excuse me, I have a million bits to rub in a bitchy princess' face whilst pointing and laughing.” I turned around and walked out from the room whilst whistling.

”Spike! Grab Twilight's money, we're going on a trip to whereever the princess lives!” I said with a grin as I gave him a pat on his shoulders.

Spike stared at me. ”Dude... You have a million bits, can't you pay for the trip to Canterlot?” He said as he arched an eyebrow. Canterlot, huh...

…

”..I should've expected a pun.” I muttered. ”No, grab her money. I can't use any of my own yet, I call it economy. Instead of paying for it myself, I get someone else to do it even when I have more then enough to buy it myself.” I grinned. ”I'm like a shady government.

”Now, let's go!” I shouted and grabbed Spike and held him under my arm as I grabbed the suitcases and walked out into the street.

”You're walking the wrong way...” Spike grumbled.

”I knew that, I was just testing you is all...” I said as I casually turned to the other direction.

I never get lost somewhere strange, right?

…

...Oh yeah...

Author's Notes:

SURPRISE

Ch. 5 - Another Pony Princess? Aw...

Links that are both bold and underlined are links to Youtube songs that fits to what's happening.

I rested my head to my hand and leaned to the window sill, watching the nature outside fly by as Spike and I sat in our private cart on the train, courtesy of Twilight's savings. I glanced over at Spike and he was twiddling his thumbs and humming some upbeat song.

”What's that song you're humming?” I asked to make sure that it was some conversation going on between us.

”Oh, just some song everypony sings during winter wrap up.” Spike shrugged. ”It's actually kinda catchy if you ignore the cheesy lyrics.”

”Wait, wait, wait...” I pinched the bridge of my nose. ”Does the ponies usually have some kind of musical number going on? Fuck's sake...” I sighed.

”Not often, but when it does happen it usually gets pretty big. They somehow learn the lyrics on their own without any practice at all before it happens.” Spike stretched his arms. ”We're not far from Canterlot, maybe like ten minutes or so.”

”Are the music numbers cheery?” I asked. ”Like, do they have an upbeat piano thing going on?” Spike seemed to think for a while, then he nodded. I groaned. ”Seems like I have to show you what real music is, then...” I searched my pockets for a while, then brought forward my phone.

”What's that?” Spike asked.

”Some technical mumbo jumbo thing. A phone.” I said with a roll of my hand. Spike nodded. ”So, the first song I'm gonna play is something a bit softer then what I usually listen to. Just to break you in and all that.” I scrolled through the playlist on my phone, then pressed play when I got to where I wanted to be.

Spike jumped a little at first from the intro and looked at me questioningly. As the song hit it's twenty-second mark, he started nodding his head beat to the music. A small smirk came across his face.

”Knew you'd like it.” I smirked.

”Got any more music like that?” He asked with a smile as the song ended.

Heh.

”LIIIIFT MEEE UUUP! ABOVE THIS, THE FLAMES AND THE ASHES! LIFT ME UP AND HELP ME TO FLY AWAY! LIIIIFT MEEE UUUP! ABOVE THIS, THE BROKEN, THE EMPTY! LIFT ME UP AND HELP ME TO FLY AWAY!”

Spike and I shouted as the train came to a halt and the doors opened. We grinned at eachother and bumped fists as we exited the train.

I looked back to see a conductor run back to our cart. Probably to find out what made all that noise... ”You do know the way to the castle, right?” I asked Spike. He nodded and started walking down the street. I put my hands in the front pockets of my jeans and followed him.

”You really need to play some more of that Death Punch stuff later, it was awesome!” Spike said as he pointed at a huge building in the distance. ”That's the front of the castle, a bigger part of it is on the other side, built into the cliffside.”

I whistled. ”Sunbutt really gave it to the tax payers with that one, huh?” I asked no one in particular. About five minutes later, Spike and I stood next to stairs leading up to the massive door. The guards at the front gate had just glanced at Spike, then opened up and allowed us to enter.

Before Spike could open the door, I put my hand on his shoulder and stopped him. He looked back at me with a raised eyebrow. I grinned.

I just got a great idea of saying hello to Sunbutt. ”Say Spike, do you have any idea where the princesses keep their chariots?” Spike nodded slowly. ”Awesome, show me the way...”

(Temporary switch to third-person.)

Princess Celestia yawned and stretched her wings as she sat on her throne, bored out of her mind. Her sister sat beside her on her own throne, reading through a document that their officials had brought to their attention.

”'Tis an old law, sister.” Luna said. ”The law is as follows that anyone who flies into a throne room in a chariot is punishable to death in some cases...” Luna looked over at Celestia. ”Tia, are you even listening?”

Celestia nodded tiredly. ”Chariot. Throne room. Death penalty, got it.”

”Even when I disagree with your new weaker discipline about death penalties that you changed when I was banished, I must say that this is quite silly.” Luna chuckled. ”I propose that we change the punishment to a verbal warning instead. Agreed?”

”Yes, I agree.” Celestia muttered. Luna nodded and levitated the now signed document over to an official, who stamped it and registered it.

”There we go, princesses. The new law is now active, and the old law is no longer valid.” He said as he laid down the document on a nearby desk and began rummaging through a folder. His ears twitched and he paused. ”Do you hear that?”

Everypony paused and listened. Whooshing sounds and whirring of gears were heard. Celestia turned her head to one of the massive windows and squinted. ”Isn't that our brand new chariot that works without pegasi pulling it..?”

”And it's heading straight at us...” Luna said slowly.

Before any of the ponies could react, the windows shattered and the chariot crashed to the floor. From the rubble, a single bipedal creature rose to its legs. Celestia's eyes narrowed and she glared at the recently stamped document in pure hatred.

”Heeeeeey Sunbutt!” Jay waved and picked up a hyperventilating Spike. ”Wanna know something funny?” Celestia grumbled. ”You wouldn't believe the luck I had with that bit you gave me...” He snickered and lifted the cases and made them shake. The sound of metal shaking came from within. ”I hit the jackpot!”

Celestia's eye twitched furiously. Luna stared at this new creature in wonder. It had broke in and made a mess, insulted her sister and he was obviously wealthy. She felt a slight twitch in her wing and shuddered. Luna decided to ignore it but sadly, Celestia had noticed and was not going to let the moment slide.

Celestia took a deep breath, smiled and turned back to Jay. ”Jay, how wonderful to see you again so soon. I would like for you to meet my younger sister, Luna. Say hello, Luna!” Celestia nudged Luna, who almost stumbled and fell down the stairs from the sudden contact.

Jay glanced over at Luna and gave her a sharp nod. ”'Sup?” Luna felt her cheeks starting to burn.

”Hello to you too.” She stammered. Luna turned to Celestia. ”I'm sorry sister, but I need to turn in for the evening so I can be up all night and perform my duties.” With that, Luna left the room in a bright blue flash.

Celestia chuckled as a plan started to form in her mind...

Author's Notes:

WHAAAAAAT TWO CHAPTERS THIS CLOSE TOGETHER, DANG SYMPHONY YOU DUMB

And oh yeah, I tried to fix that thing with the quotation things but I failed. Miserably.

Arc 1 - NOPE!

In which Luna decides to win over the interests of Jay. Jay does not approve. At all and fights for his life against it. Meanwhile, Twilight finds out where her savings went.

Author's Notes:

WELP THIS IS A THING NOW WHOOPS

Ch. 6 Nope Nope Nope Nope... You get the point

Celestia cleared her throat. ”So Jay, mind explaining why you decided to destroy royal property and a custom hoof-made decorative window?” Celestia asked with poorly hidden anger. I chuckled and put down Spike, who took a few uneasy steps to the side.

”Well princess, I'm a bit of an odd guy. I got the idea and I went for it. But don't worry about that window, I'm sure you can exploit plenty of hard-working tax payers to cover it...” I smirked. ”Or you could just fix it yourself. Magic it up a bit, you know.” Oh man, the glare she gave me could probably kill a small animal or something...

Celestia took a deep breath to calm herself, then spoke. ”Well, since you went through all the trouble of bothering me and my sister, you must be exhausted...” She smirked. ”So why don't you stay for dinner and if you're tired enough you may even stay the night in the castle. You'd have a room of your own, of course.”

I got a sudden feeling that I would need an adult if this would continue, so I nodded to her and picked up the suitcases. ”Just let me know what room I'll be staying in.”

”Very well then.” She said. ”Your room will be in the east wing of the castle, just past the observatory. The door is rather tall and made in dark mahogany. You won't miss it, I promise.” She said with a small smile. I raised an eyebrow but didn't ask anything more.

”But princess, isn't that Luna's ro-” Spike spoke but was silenced by Celestia as she used her magic to hold his mouth closed. My eyes narrowed.

”Not anymore, Spike. She moved to a newly built apartment room in the top floor of the observatory.” She said hastily. Her entire demeanor screamed that she was playing innocent but I decided to play along instead of calling her out. Who knows? It could be interesting to see what she was trying to do.

”Alright then, I'll be off.” I shrugged and started walking to the doors. I glanced at Spike. ”You'll be alright alone for a bit, right?” I asked.

”Yeah, I can be here with the princess.” Spike shrugged. ”At least for a while...” Spike grumbled. I nodded and continued to the doors. The guards positioned next the door used their magic and opened the door for me.

Just before the door closed again behind me, I turned around to Celestia and gave her a double-handed one finger salute. Then the doors slammed closed with a bit more force. I chuckled and started walking to the observatory, wherever the fuck it was.

After about an hour of getting lost, getting back on track and getting lost again, I finally found myself walking toward the observatory. I walked past a door labeled 'Observatory' and looked around the hallway. The entire thing had a much darker decor than all the other halls I walked through. Oh well.

True to Celestia's description, I saw a rather tall mahogany door. I walked to it and set one of the suitcases down on the floor as I opened the door with the free hand. Those damn suitcases were actually heavier than they looked... I picked it back up and walked into the room...

...God damn, if the decor in the hall looked dark, this was way worse. The ceiling is way higher than what I expected, I almost expect bats to come out screeching from one of the corners when I'm sleeping. Oh well, at least I could take a nap or something until dinner. I'm sure Spike can handle being with Sunbutt for a while.

With that settled, I took the suitcases and pushed them beneath the bed to hide it from prying eyes, then took off my shirt. ”Man... I stink...” I muttered. I really should take a shower or something, I guess. After a bit of searching and a whole lot of luck, I picked a door randomly and opened it and behold, a bathroom was on the other side!

Now, with the size of the other room, I should have realized that the bathroom was also nearly half the size of the other room. With that fact in mind, I still couldn't stop my jaw from dropping open. After muttering a few choice words, I grabbed a folded up towel from a bench and made my way to the shower.

You know, I won't go much into detail of me showering. At least I got it done. When I exited the shower dripping wet, I took the towel and went to work drying off the excess water as I made my way back into the main room. Putting on my pants, I decided to leave my shirt off for the moment as I laid down on the bed.

My hand fell down to the silver locket around my neck. I brushed it with my thumb, letting out a sigh as I closed my eyes, intending to get some sleep before dealing with Celestia and her sister again. Before my mind drifted away, I heard the door open and a loud gasp. I cursed and opened my eyes, then sat up to glare at the intruder.

My breath hitched though when I saw none other than Princess Luna standing there, mouth agape. When her eyes wandered down me, she apparently noticed that I wasn't wearing a shirt. Her wings shot out and I got a sudden feeling that something terrifying would happen if I would stay any longer.

I shot up from the bed and threw my shirt on. ”What the fuck are you doing in here?” I asked her as I straightened the shirt. She shook her head.

”This is my room...” She muttered with her ears back. ”I should ask you why you're in here, in a princess' bedroom h-ha-halfnaked!” She stuttered, her wings still spread.

”Your room? But Celestia said...” My eyes widened, then narrowed. ”That. Fucking. Bitch.” I growled. ”Sorry for the intrusion, I will have to go and kick some sense in Sunbutt's fat ass...”

Then something I did not expect happened. Luna walked toward me and got uncomfortably close. I took a step back. As I did that, she took another step closer. ”Oh, why do you have to leave so hastily?” Luna said in a low tone.

”I-uh... I need to go... Like, now.” I pushed the princess away from me, stumbling a few steps as I ran out from the room and slammed the door shut. I heard an annoyed groan from the room as I bolted down the hallway, intending to gut Celestia with her own horn and crown.

After a while of running, I slowed down to a walk. I couldn't shake the feeling that I had forgotten something important in the room, though. When I made a right turn in a hallway, I saw Spike walking at me. I greeted him with a nod and a smile.

”Hey Jay, I was just about to go see you.” He smiled. Then he looked me over and frowned. ”Dude, where's the suitcases?”

...

…...

FUCK.

The next day, Spike and I stood outside Luna's room on each side of the door. Spike glanced at me. ”Why won't we just knock on the door and say that you forgot something in there?”

”Spike, there's a few things you need to learn about being a man.” I started. ”One, never ask anyone for directions and two, when you have a psycho bitch with a lot of power that is obviously interested in you on the other side of the door, the last thing you want is face-to-face conversation.” That seemed to make him quiet, so I put my head to the door, listening for anything. All I heard were some rather loud snores.”

I opened the door carefully, not making a single noise...

...Then I was thrown back to the wall on the other side of the hallway because of the sheer volume of her snores. Spike didn't seem affected though, he stood there, staring at me as the snore stopped. I dropped to the floor.

I saw Spike walk up to me in the corner of my eyes. I felt a hand on my shoulder. ”Jay, you alright?”

”WHAT?” I shouted, not being able to make out what he said. ”COME AGAIN.”

Spike said something more and all I could hear was my name and something starting with 'wa'-

”NO THANK YOU, I DON'T WANT ANY WAFFLES. I HAD A BIG BREAKFAST.”

Then without warning, I got a slap on my right cheek that made me fall to my side. I groaned miserably. ”Get it together, Jay!” Spike growled. ”We are about to break into the room of an immortal princess that can, and probably will, incinerate us on the spot if she catches us. So pull yourself together and let's do this!” Spike glared at me.

I shook my head and stood up. ”Thanks, Spike. I needed that. Now let's do this shit.” I said. Spike nodded. I walked to the doorway and glanced inside. Luna was lying fast asleep on the bed on her side. I saw a stray pillow lying beside her head and considered my options...

...Nah. I don't need to be marked as a murderer of a princess on top of all the shit I already pulled in Ponyville. With my mind set, Spike and I walked slowly to the bed. I bent down to where I had slid in the suitcases beneath the bed and to my great relief, they were still exactly the way I had left them. I gave a thumbs up to Spike, who grinned.

Both of our hearts stopped though as a groan was heard from the bed. I dropped to the floor flat on my stomach and rolled beneath the bed, careful not to jostle the suitcases. I grabbed one of Spike's legs and dragged him beneath the bed and when he looked at me, I held a finger to my lips, not making a single sound. Apparently he understood and nodded.

After a few more seconds, the groans stopped and Spike and I shared a sigh in relief. ”Ooh, Jay...” I heard from above the bed. My face paled as Spike glanced up curiously. ”Just like that...”

As my brain boarded the train to Nopetown, Spike whispered to me. ”Why are she talking about you like that..?” I cursed silently.

”No reason,” I whispered back. It's better to just drop that for now...” Spike nodded and glanced one last time above to the bed.

”Where is it..?” I heard Luna's voice. ”Ah, here you are... Jay...” She giggled maniacally. Instead of curling into a ball and start rocking forward and back, I held Spike's mouth shut before he could ask anything else.

To my utter and complete horror, a buzzing sound was heard from above and a gasp from the princess. Spike's confused glance above, then to me didn't help at all.

I really don't like ponies.

About half an hour later of sounds I didn't know could be made and slight overusage of my name along with screaming, I was just about ready to curl up and die. Spike just looked just as confused as before. I heard Luna get off the bed. I stole a glance at her as she walked to see she was walking to the bathroom. As she walked inside and closed the door behind her, I grabbed the suitcases and got out from beneath the bed. Spike came with me as we ran to the door to the hallway.

Spike and I ran down random hallways for about 10 minutes before we stopped to take a breather. ”What... What was she doing?” Spike asked me. ”And what was that smell?”

”Uh...” I scratched my neck and glanced to the ceiling. ”Uh... Ask Twilight about it when we get back to Ponyville.” Spike nodded. I picked up the suitcases and began walking again. Spike followed.

”Spike?” I asked.

”What is it Jay?” He looked up at me.

”Let's never talk about what happened in there ever again, and don't tell anyone about it at all. Deal?”

”I don't understand why... But okay, deal.” We bumped fists.

I swear on this day that I will never, ever return to Canterlot ever again.

Ch. 7 - Celestia the Laser Show Horsie

After an awkward silence as Spike and I walked through the hallway to the dining room, where Celestia had told us to go to get some food. Thankfully, Spike hadn't asked anything about what Luna did after he made the promise.

Shit, I don't even want to think about it. I mean... She's a pony. A small horse. There is no fuckin' way I'll ever do something like that to one of them. I'm not into beastiality and I sure as hell want to keep my dignity for as long as possible. After a few minutes, Spike and I reached a big room with a really long table in the middle with several chairs lining the sides of it. On the far end were two bigger chairs, obviously meant for Sunbutt and Moonhorse due to the colours on them.

Celestia sat on her chair, the biggest shit-eating grin I've ever seen on her face. Luna sat next to her with her head low. I saw Celestia whisper something to Luna, I couldn't hear what she said but Luna sunk even lower and her face turned slightly red. I narrowed my eyes, but smirked.

I strode past all the chairs, heading straight for the chair closest to Celestia. I groaned as the chair closest to her was already occupied by some pink unicorn. I strode to the chair, turned it out and dumped the chair forward, making the pony fall off the chair with a yelp. Spike gasped and Celestia's grin faded slightly. I sat down on my chair and put up my feet on the table.

”Hey Celestia. So I was wondering...” I tapped a finger to my chin. ”Since you won't let me be a diplomat, which I find racist, can I instead be a representative of the humans or something?”

”That is basically the same thing, Jay.” Celestia rolled her eyes. ”By the way, say hello to my niece, Princess Cadence, ruler of the Crystal Empire.” She motioned to my left side. I turned to face the now pissed-the-fuck-off pink pony. I could swear I could feel her glare strangle my soul. Then I noticed the wings on her sides.

Oh...

um...

Well, fuck. I stood up slowly from the chair and moved one seat away from Celestia. Princess Cadence huffed and took back her seat. I twiddled my thumbs and decided to bring up my phone to waste some time listening to music or something. As I turned on the screen, I noticed that a warning for the battery power being on a critical level. I sighed and looked around the room, until my eyes settled on Celestia's glowing horn as she was using her magic to bring some salad to her mouth with a fork.

I think I got an idea... From what I can guess so far, their magic is nothing but energy they've learned to control and manipulate. Meaning that if I'm lucky, I could make that energy suitable to recharge my phone with or other basic electric things.

And you probably thought I was dumb, heh.

I stood up from my chair, making the other ponies stare at me as I walked around the table to where Celestia was sitting, stuffing her face with food. She raised an eyebrow at me as I smiled.

”Can I help you with anything?” She asked as she laid her fork down on the table, still having her magic activated... on... whatever.

”Actually, yeah...” I scratched the back of my neck. ”Sit still for a moment.” I brought forward my phone, flipped open the little pad to protect the USB-connection. I glanced up at Celestia, still smiling.

Then I promptly slammed my phone to her horn, the connection right down to the tip of her horn. You know, it's almost funny of how many things that can happen within the span of a few seconds.

Celestia gasped and her horn pretty much exploded in white/yellow light. Luna laughed her ass off. Cadence began to cry and hug Spike for dear life. Spike made strange choking noises. I grinned and laughed as I saw the battery percentage rise steadily. Then I got tackled by like, twenty or so guards.

It was a good day, all in all.

After I shook all the guards off me and stood back up, I looked to my phone to see that it was fully charged. I turned to Celestia, who's chair had tipped over and she laid pretty much unmoving, staring at the ceiling with pin-prick pupils and a huge blush on her face A small string of smoke came from the tip of her horn. Oh yeah, she was also panting. Suddenly, my phone started crackling and the screen started to fade and blink.

Then it started vibrating and making several sounds as... I recieved text messages... I stared at my phone, mouth hanging open as text messages flooded my phone by the dozen. More than half of them were from... my mother...

I unlocked my phone and clicked on one, bringing up the overlay.

'Please come home, we miss you'

I bit my lip and scrolled upward, reading another.

'If it's something we did, we're sorry. We just want you to come home safely'

I felt my eyes starting to sting a bit, so I turned away from the ponies and Spike. Then my phone started ringing. I stared at the caller ID for a couple of seconds, which honestly felt like hours.

'Mom'

I don't know how this is possible... Did the magic make my phone work again? Or is it just temporary. The ringtone broke me away from my thoughts and I fumbled to slide across the screen to answer the call.

”Hello?”

'Ja-frrzzzzt-y! Where are y-fzzzzrrrrt-ou? Why is your connection so bad?'

The stinging in my eyes got worse. ”I... I can't really explain... I'm really far from home and I don't know if I can ever get home...”

'Nonsense! Tell me where you are and your father will book you a flight home this instant!'

”I really wish it was that easy, mom... I really do...” I heard the connection getting even worse with more interruptions. ”Listen, I really need to s-say something i-important...”

'What is it? Oh, my little boy... all alone... But you're strong and stubborn! You can do anything you put your mind to!'

I smiled slightly. ”I know... But listen... Mom, I lo-

beep

beep

beep

”No... No. No! Fuck! No, not now!” I screamed, threw the phone down and saw that it was back to normal, no more weird flickering and shit. ”God fucking dammit!” I picked up the chair I had been sitting on and threw it against the closest wall, shattering it along with a candleholder that had been in its way. I breathed heavily and turned to the ponies.

All of them were staring at me in complete silence, even the guards. Celestia had returned to normal but instead of her usual smirk, she looked oddly serious. I sighed and turned away from them, nonchalantly wiping a tear from my cheek with the back of my left hand.

”The fuck are you all staring at, huh?” I growled. ”Oh yes, let's all make fun and stare at the weird huuuman who destroys things! Oh he's also crying!” I mocked them. I stomped toward the exit and spat over my shoulder. ”Boo-fucking-hoo.”

I need to get away from the ponies... I stomped away to my new room, where I was keeping the suitcases in safe hiding. Once inside the room, I grabbed two handfuls of gold coins from a suitcase and stuffed them down my pocket, then made my way out of the castle.

Apparently, word of my little freakout had spread around the castle like wildfire, so wherever I went inside the castle, ponies stared at me like I was some kind of freak. I guess I was a freak in their standard, I mean, my appearance to theirs? I'm a fuckin' walking circus-act.

Anyway, I finally found a way out and down into the town. The whole town felt like it was strangling me as I walked through the crowd of ponies, most of them ignored me but some stared at me, obviously confused or just plain pissed off at the mere sight of me. Finally though, I found what I was looking for.

A pub. A bell chimed as I walked inside, but none of the ponies bothered to turn around and take a look at who just walked inside. I made my way to one of the barstools right by the counter where a bartender was idly wiping a glass. A pony sat right by the corner, but I took a seat closer to the bartender.

”What're you havin'?” He asked in a rough, southern accent. He didn't even raise an eyebrow at me.

”The strongest you have, in the biggest container you have.” I muttered apathetically. He nodded and went back to work mixing together something. ”I couldn't help but notice...” I started. He looked up at me with a raised eyebrow. ”You didn't say anything about... well, me. Most of the ponies I've met so far imagined I was some kind of monster before even talking to me.”

He chuckled and shook his head. ”Now that ain't right that ponies treat ya that way. Ah didn't say anythin' because I've seen pretty much everything walk through that door to ease their mind with some hard liquor.”

He looked up at me, straight in the eyes. ”An' Ah can tell what kind of being you are easily. You're not actually a tough son'uva gun, you're just confused and a bit scared of what'll happen to ya.” When he noticed my dropped jaw, he laughed and sent me a huge pint of what looked like really, really hard whiskey. ”On th' house.” He nodded and went back to work.

I thanked him and took my first sip. It felt like my tongue was gonna melt and my throat burst into an inferno at any second.

I loved it.

”You...” I heard from the pony sitting by the corner. ”You're that human visiting the castle, right?” A male voice slurred, then hiccuped.

”Might be, depends on who's asking.” I said nonchalantly, taking another gulp of the liquor.

He leaned forward into the light, showing his white coat and long, blonde mane and blue eyes. ”Why, I'm just Celestia's nephew.”

Then I spat my drink. I coughed and choked before I spoke. ”There's a prince? Holy shit, I'm not completely surrounded by prissy little horsies!” I laughed. He chuckled as well.

”Yes, with a stunning amount of three princesses and only two princes, we have the definite under hoof.” He twirled the glass of brandy he held in his magic. ”It does bring down some oppurtunities...” He muttered.

I had already finished about half of my drink. ”Yeah... I mean, I don't know if it's a normal thing here, but there's a hell of a lot more mares then stallions around. What's up with that, anyway?”

”Genetic lines and a stroke of bad luck.” He said, then took a sip of his drink. ”Say... What's your name? I would hate to just call you 'human'.”

I smiled at him and held out my right hand. ”I'm Jay. You?”

He grabbed my hand with his hoof, somehow and shook it. ”Prince Blueblood, at your service.”