Bad Company

by Symphony

Chapter 1: Ch. 1 - Kids, Don't Travel Through Dimensions Under The Influence

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I stumbled out from the closet, leading into the pony world I swore I’d never return to. But my good friend alcohol said that it was a super idea to go there now! I mean, I'm drunk and all, but *hic* But those ponies are stupid! They won't even *hic* Even realize what's going on when I'm there out of-fucking-nowhere! Ha!

And you know I was so sober that I totally didn't stumble and fall over... I picked myself up and tried to continue walking only for my legs to give up from time to time. I realized that there was no point in trying to get out from the house I was currently in, so I looked around until I spotted a nice, closed door. I opened it and saw that it led to some kind of basement. I chuckled to myself and descended down the stairs, nearly falling over in the process.

As I was walking around in the basement, the alcohol really hit my senses and I started to feel sleepier with every passing second. I groaned and lay down on the floor. It was hard and not very comfortable, but it would have to do for now.

I groaned and rolled over onto my side, slowly moving my hand to my face. I tried to think of what happened the night before, but without any luck. ”What the hell did I do last night...” I grumbled and sat up, only to hit my head on something. Cursing I cracked my eyes open to see that the assailant was, in fact, a table of some sort. I rubbed the spot on my head with my right hand as I moved myself away from the table.

My stomach rumbled and a sudden urge to vomit made itself known. I lifted a hand to cover my mouth in panic and looked around. I didn't find some kind of trashcan, so with the grace of a rhino I leaned over the table and puked. ”Oh great, a hangover as well...” My stomach churned again. I sat down on a nearby couch and massaged my temples as the headache began. '...Well, at least I don't feel too bad anymore...' I thought.

I stood up and looked around. I was apparently in a basement of some sorts, as I noticed a staircase in the far end of the room, leading up to a door. This didn't seem to be an ordinary basement, as there were some strange machines and weird stuff lying around. My mind wandered off to the last time I had found myself waking up in a weird basement... I couldn't sit right for a week... 'Never another redhead...' I shook my head and took another look around. There weren't many things worth pointing out, but the machines scattered around were actually pretty neat. I giggled like a kid in a candy store and started playing around with them.

It wasn't long before I found a big, ominous red button giving off a faint glow. It was even encased by a plastic box with black and yellow stripes around it. All of those details made it very obvious that it was a button I really shouldn't touch. Well... Guess what?

I pushed it. Disregard the authorities, brethren!

The machine started blinking and rumbling. 'Maybe this was a bad idea, after all...' I panicked and looked around for some kind of cover. I saw the couch in the corner of the room and made for it. I leapt over it and covered my ears, preparing for the blow. The rumbling increased by the second, and eventually it felt like a minor earthquake. I heard some panicked shouts from the stairway. The rumbling started decreasing and I let out a sigh of gratitude due to the headache. I decided to stay behind the couch for the moment. The voices started talking again.

“Woah, what happened, Twi?” A young male voice said. ‘Huh... That was a weird nickname...’ Oh well, I shouldn't say anything. Each to their own and stuff like that.

“I don't know Spike... But the protection to the override button is lifted... I think there's somepony else down here...” That voice was obviously female, as-... ‘Wait... Did she say somepony instead of someone..?’ And that voice sounded kind of familiar...

To my own amazing luck, a sudden urge to sneeze started building up. I lifted my left hand to my nose and held my breath. I felt the sneeze go away and I sighed, allowing my hand to leave my face. And of course, as soon as I did that, I sneezed. And it wasn't a small, dainty sneeze; it was one of those sneezes which make you go 'What the hell just happened?' afterward.

“Over there! Behind the old couch!” The female voice exclaimed. “Go check it out, Spike.” I heard a sudden rustle coming from across the room, followed by footsteps. They stopped right next to the couch. I held my breath and tried to make myself smaller... It didn't go very well... Suddenly, a small purple head with green spiky-things was right in my face. It looked almost like some kind of lizard... We stared at each other in silence for a few seconds, and then screamed at the top of our lungs.

I scrambled to stand up and jumped over the couch, where some weird, purple dog...horse...thing... was standing 'Wait, isn't she..?' I for one, screamed again and tried to run away, only to find myself running in circles while yelling some weird gibberish. Now that's classy, people. I eventually tripped and smacked into the floor head first, drawing blood.

“Ow, son of a... Stupid floor...” I groaned and sat up with my back toward a nearby wall. The purple...thing took a step forward, and I tensed and scrambled to get away. “No, bad dog! Bad! Go piss on something else!”

“You..!” The pony shouted taking another step closer, “I remember you! You're the one who came through the dimensional doorway a month ago!” Her... Horn?... flared and an aura of some kind started glowing around it. She lifted a nearby chair and jabbed it toward me. I looked around for a weapon of my own. I found what looked like a leg from a table. I grabbed it and held it like a baseball bat.

”I'm not afraid to use this!” I swung it around a bit. She smirked and levitated two more chairs into the air. ”That's cheating!” I exclaimed with my arms held wide.

That's when it clicked. In my drunken stupor I had walked into the closet again... ”It's not cheating to use my magic, it's natural to me!” She pouted, ”I was never able to finish my report on dimensional doorways when you came back! And from what I heard, you destroyed a statue of the princess...” The aura stuff around the chairs and her horn turned into a slightly darker shade.

“Well, that was a month ago! For how long can you ponies hold a grudge anyway?” I crossed my arms with a huff. “Besides, I swore to stay out of this fucked up place the moment I returned home. And you destroyed my laptop!”

“Then why are you here again, if you swore to never return?” She lowered the chairs to the floor, but they were still glowing from her magic.

Last night...

”Dude!” I turned to my friend, who was slightly buzzed as well. ”Look what I found.” He held up a slightly dirty Barney the dinosaur suit.

”...Awesome” I slurred. ”Go on, put it on! We'll go and scare some kids with it!” He nodded and put it on clumsily, all while humming some weird song.

”You ready, man?” His voice was a little muffled from the mask. I nodded and we ran off to have some fun. I laughed as he tripped on his own feet and fell over. I helped him back up, and then we left.

“Long story short, I was stupid and decided to get drunk yesterday, leading me here when I was under the influence. Kids, don't travel through dimensions while drunk...” I drawled.

“I think he's insane, Twi...” I heard Barney whisper to the unicorn, who nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, you're probably right about that, Barney...” I nodded sagely.

“My name isn't Barney! My name's Spike!” He growled at me. I raised my arms to defend myself from the angry lizard. After a few tense seconds, I relaxed and brushed away some of my hair out of my face. I felt some blood from the hit earlier when I tripped, but shrugged it off and wiped the blood on my pants. I sighed and looked around in the basement again. When I turned my head back to them, the unicorn had stepped forward.

“Since I never asked this the first time you came here, what's your name?” I grinned. This was just a way to do something before returning home, but who says that I can't have some fun while I'm at it? I cleared my throat.

“I will not give you my name, pesky mortal! I am an eldritch god, and I can tell you... A... uh… A thing at a place that will make you all go bonkers in a matter of seconds!” I puffed out my chest and crossed my arms, still grinning.

When I noticed the look they were giving me, I deflated and sighed. “Well, you two are no fun... But alright... The name's Jay and I'm a human. Not much else to it worth pointing out. And you are..?” I looked at the pony.

“Oh, I never gave you my name the last time we met. I'm Twilight Sparkle! It’s nice to meet you, Jay!” She said politely and reached out with her right... Hoof? Whatever… I grabbed it and shook it. She stared at my hand as my fingers held her hoof in a firm grasp, but looked away as I noticed her staring.

“And as you already know, he's Spike.” Spike snorted a cloud of smoke when I looked at him. “And one more thing, you are in my basement and triggered a machine that could have made the entire library explode.” Her right eye twitched.

“Alrighty... Whatever you say, bad movies based on horrible books!” I walked past her and looked up the stairs. “You got any food around here? I'm starving.” As if on cue, my stomach decided to make one hell of a grumble. As I made my way up the stairs, Bad Movie and Barney started protesting wildly and told me to get back down in the basement. I ignored their pleading as I opened the door, and walked right into something fuzzy. I cursed and pushed away whatever it was that was in my way.

I heard something running up the stairs behind me. I presumed that it was Twilight who had decided to catch up with me. She gasped, “Princess!” ‘Silly pony, I'm not a pri-‘ I turned my head to see that I still had my hands on a big pony with a golden crown and necklace. The pony princess was staring at me with wide eyes. There were also some other white ponies in the room, but they were wearing some kind of golden armor and all of them looked pissed.

“Sun-butt! You're real! I mean, last time I was here I wrecked a statue of you, but I'm sure you wouldn't mind it at all! I mean, it made your butt look pretty damn big...” I grinned at her, and her mouth opened in shock. Before I could react, the golden ponies shouted commands and tackled me.

I saw Sun-butt approach me in the corner of my eyes and I tried to roll around to face her, but I guess I just looked like some kind of wiggling worm. I must've looked a little pathetic. She stopped next to where I was lying and looked down at me. “My, you really are a strange creature. An intelligent one at that...” She mused. Twilight, who now stood next to her gave her an 'are you shitting me-‘ look.

“I am sure that he didn't mean to disrespect me like that. Guards, you may release him.” One by one, the ponies who were holding me down moved away. I stood up and brushed off my clothes. “Now, how about we start over with our introduction, shall we?” She held her head higher and spread her wings. “I am Princess Celestia of Equestria. I raise the sun and rule the day.”

Did I.... Just assault royalty? Ooooh shit... “I um... I'm Jay, ruler of my bedroom. I raise an involuntary tent every morning.” I bit my lip. Did I... Really just say that? To my own relief, she chuckled while the guards just looked horrified. Spike covered his mouth and snorted, but a glare from Twilight silenced him. “I'll just... Go on home now...” I muttered and walked to the door I had entered to come here. As I turned the handle I expected to see my bed, but all I saw was a few cleaning supplies.

I felt a twinge of panic shoot through my body as I closed the door again and opened it again to see the same supplies as before. I tried several times. I was in full panic now. I can't get home... I can't get home... My family... What the hell is going on..? I slammed the door closed with all my strength, then opened it after a bit to see no changes.

After closing the door a final time, I turned around to face the ponies, leaned against the door and slumped down on the floor. All of the ponies except for Twilight Sparkle looked at me like I was crazy. Twilight looked at me in pity. I sighed and decided to speak my mind.

“I am sooo fucked...”

“Would... Somepony please explain this to me?” Sun-butt asked. I ignored her and tried to think of what went wrong. Twilight cleared her throat and started talking about some... Magical theory or whatever... The princess nodded from time to time to show her understanding.

Finally, Princess Celestia Sun-butt spoke up again. “It is most unfortunate what happened to you...” She looked straight into my eyes, but I looked away from her. “One thing about dimensional doorways is that they are very rare and unstable, and never exist at the same time for an extended period.” She sighed, “Sadly, this was the case here. The doorway ran out of power and collapsed, cutting off the connection to your world.”

“So, as a ruler of Equestria, I hereby officially welcome you to our world, Jay.” She finished with a small smile.

“Woo-freaking-hoo...” I drawled while waving my arms. “I don't plan on staying here that long, your highness, so you can shove your official greeting where the sun doesn't shine...” I grumbled and walked back down the stairs to the basement, then laid down on the couch. The killer headache was something I really didn't need right now...

----Third-pony switch----

“Well, that could have gone worse...” Princess Celestia mused aloud, receiving glances from the ponies in the room with her.

“Aren't... Aren't you gonna take him somewhere else?” Twilight felt a bead of sweat trickle down her forehead at the prospect of having the human stay in the library.

“Oh, no. I wouldn’t dream of it.” Princess Celestia shook her head with a chuckle. “I trust that you will help him and take good care of him while he's here.” Spike and Twilight gulped audibly.

“But... But he's so rude and is such a loudmouth! Besides, he isn't exactly one to trust!” Twilight tried to argue, but Celestia silenced her with a hoof to her shoulder.

“I have faith in you, Twilight. If somepony can change him, it must be you. I mean, a few years ago you were an antisocial shut-in with only one friend, who was also your assistant. And look at you now!” Princess Celestia smiled. Twilight had a hard time figuring out if she should be honored or insulted.

“Fine... He can't be that troublesome, after all...” Twilight lowered her head.

A crash and a loud 'oh shit' came from the basement, causing Twilight to cringe. When she turned back to the princess, she was nowhere to be seen, along with her guards. Twilight did notice that the door outside was wide-open. She groaned and shut it with her magic, then mentally prepared herself before she would head down into the basement.

“I have a feeling this won't end well...” Spike observed.

Next Chapter: Ch. 2 - Fisticuffs...Hooficuffs... Whatever... Estimated time remaining: 5 Hours, 21 Minutes
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