The clouds parted and the sun rose.

The light of the heavens fell upon the home of one schoolteacher, by association only. For the light was instead heralding the rise of the greatest protagonist ever conceived by the mortal mind.

What lessons would he learn? What lessons would he teach? (you know, since he's a couple steps down from perfect, also meaning he's not a ponysue because he's not actually perfect)

If the sun knew, it shared no secrets, only shedding it's light silently.

And so the day began with-

“Guess again bitches!” Shouted one Salad Shooter as she kicked out the door.

(INSERT GUITAR RIFFS HERE)

“Alrighty, now that I've got my own story, gotta do some awesome shit.” Salad said taking out a checklist. “Let's see here...”

“Be a total douchebag bitch to half the population, check...

“Cause bodily harm to Fluttershy, the patron saint of good will and intentions, check...

“See the Windfish, oh god how much did we have to pay to get that guy for the guest appearance?” Salad shook her head, putting away the list.

“Hal! Hal, I'm talking to you, ya greasy motherfucker! If I had to take a paycut for a Nintendo cameo, you had better start sucking my dick or I'm gonna have to-”

“Salad, you're breaking the fourth wall!”

“No, breaking the fourth wall would be referencing that guy behind the computer monitor covered in Dorito crumbs, dried Coca-cola, and shame.”

“I should give you a paycut for that!”

“If you cut my pay, I cut your junk.”

“Shutting up ma'am.”

“Ballin'. Glad we understand eachother.”

“Swivel on it bitch.”

“Oh, where'd you learn that one? Was it last night? When you heard me ordering your mother to-”

“I'm ordering you to do your damn job before I have to pay the editing team anything more than a mint because some entitled pink cripple doesn't do second takes.”

“Boy are you gonna be surprised when you start your car...” Salad muttered under her breath as she took the list out again.

“Right then, seduce the united internet's waifu, and stupid sexy Flanders... double check...

“Gain the ability to actually swear, shit-titty-sprinked check...

“...Alrighty, there's only one thing left to do before I surpass my brother and steal him away from the homewrecking purple whore.” She concluded, stuffing the list back into her... black inventory hole.

“Is it stop giving the director grey hairs?”

“No!” Salad replied to the voice that shouldn't have been speaking. “I need to find a date to the dance!”

“...Wait, is that in the script?”

“It is now!”

“Since when did this become a highschool AU?”

“No, it's too late to do one of those.” Salad said. “So this is like, the... hoe down? Is that what they'd do out here in the boonies?”

“I guess so, but what makes you think that this highschool bullshit is what we need?”

“Dude, have you seen the Naruto fandom?”

“...Carry on.”

“With gusto.” As if on cue (it totally was on cue), a pony came out of nowhere and nailed a poster advertising said hoe down to a bulletin board that had always been there shut up.

“Ahem.” Salad cleared her throat. “Gracious! A social gathering that my character hates! I'm totally repulsed by the idea of going at the moment! All I'd need is for some nice pony to express interest in taking me to this shindig to change my mind and make me cry happy tears brought on by acceptance! Can anypony spare a cup of love and tolerance?!”

“...no, because you are different than us.” Said another pony, reading cue cards offscreen with all the acting ability of an Austrian action movie star. And the accent of one too. “Now I and my fellow ponies will glare at you until you go away because that's how real life works.”

“Well then!” Salad said. “Since my character hasn't been chickified yet, that means I get to respond to your prejudice with gratuitous violence!”

Then Salad beat up like eight stunt doubles.

“Hey, gratuitous violence is against the law!” Shouted a cop with a name that probably some form of pun.

“They started it!” Salad countered.

“Fair enough.” The cop replied as he/she (the author hasn't decided, whatever) shuffled offscreen.

“Alright, need a date. Who does the author like right now?”

“Hang on, you're already dating two of the best ponies!” Said someone.

“Yeah, but they're like so last season. Also the difference between two and three is one and that's barely anything! They won't mind me bringing another in to join the herd. You know, as long as they're hot.”

“...Are you normally this shallow?”

“Do I look like a pony that'd be more concerned with inner beauty and personality?”

“Yes!”

“That's what you get for judging a book by it's cover.” Salad said triumphantly. “Aseop outta fucking nowhere!”

“That's the wrong aseop!”

“It would be if you didn't judge based on appearances you assface.”

“You are like the worst role model ever!”

“Still better than Rainbow Dash.”

“You know...” Mused a third voice. “At this rate, they're going to get the idea that the author hates Dash.”

“He totally doesn't.”

“Fo' sho'.”

“Indeed.”

“Alright, all of you shut up in there.” Salad said, knocking her own head a few times. “Right then. List of hot ponies... Let's start at the top, Celestia?”

“She's taken.”

“Ugh, fine. Luna?”

“Taken.”

“Ditzy? Wait no, she's a creepy voyeur. How about Rarity?”

“Taken.”

“Twilight?”

“Taken.”

“Octavia?”

“Taken.”

“Vinyl?”

“Taken.”

“Pinkie Pie?”

“Taken.”

“Gilda?”

“Taken.”

“Fuck! Applejack?!”

“She was taken last chapter!”

“Lyra!?”

“...You're good! All clear!”

A mint green pony walked up from offstage, waving at the studio audience.

“Heeey! Anyone see any humans?”

“I'm angry at everyone! I need acceptance!”

“Sorry, fresh out.” Lyra said. “See, I just came from that hotel over there.”

“...who got all your acceptance?”

“Your parents.” Lyra said. “They took it all...” She sighed, dreamily, as she limped home.

“...Well shit.” Salad said. “Where am I gonna find acceptance now?”

“Here, I've got a spare.” Lyra called, tossing back a hotel room key.

Salad stared at the key on the ground for a few horrified moments, before shrugging, taking it, and trotting toward the hotel.

--

“Gah!” Shouted Salad as she woke up in a cold sweat. “Oh god I think I'm gonna be sick...”

“Land sakes...” Big Mac groaned sleepily from one side. “It's three in the mornin', ya gonna do this every night?”

“Seriously...” Growled Ivan from her other side, tightening his foreleg around her body and pulling her closer...

“Am I gonna have to make it up to you?” Salad asked, shifting to get more comfortable as she-

--

“Gah!” Shouted Salad as she woke up, somehow not disturbing Fluttershy or Big Mac on either side.

She had a few moments of reflection, breathing heavily, before she brought a hoof to her chin in thought.

“Hmmm...”