Twilight Sparkle is Untouchable

by Mysterious Stranger

Chapter 1: Can't touch this

Frazzle Spark woke up with his head throbbing in total darkness. His mind was completely blank and foggy, so it took him a moment to realize something was very wrong. Namely, the fact that he was not waking up in his own bed, and that he seemed to be inside some sort of metal tube. Groggily, he felt around with his hooves to verify. Metal, metal, banana peel, paper, and more metal. Frazzle Spark stiffened as a horrifying thought occurred to him.

Holy crap, am I buried alive?

Frantic, Frazzle Spark attempted to sit up, only to smack his head against the metal surface above. His immediate reaction was to try to lower his head again, but found that for some reason that he could not. Panic struck his mind once again, until he realized that it was not his head that was stuck, but his horn. Another blind inspection with his hooves revealed what had happened. His horn had stabbed through the metal surface.

Frazzle Spark closed his eyes and sighed. Stabbing things unintentionally with his horn seemed to happen to him quite often. One time, he had stood up on his hind legs while riding in a hot air balloon with his friend Sharp Wing. The action, naturally, had popped the balloon. Being a pegasus, Sharp Wing had simply flown out. Frazzle Spark, who couldn't fly, had screamed all the way down to the lake below, which was probably why Sharp Wing was the only one who had laughed about it afterwards.

Frazzle Spark pushed the memory aside. Now was no time for recollections. He needed to find out what was going on before he ran out of air. Frazzle Spark willed his horn to glow, but it did him no good. His horn was completely outside of the metal tube, leaving him with no light whatsoever. Despite his circumstances, Frazzle Spark giggled as a mental picture of a dark red horn sticking out of metal tube with an orange glow came to his mind. Wouldn't that be a sight for someone to stumble upon?

"Ow, my head," a muffled voice groaned from outside of the tube. "How did I— holy crap that trash can has a horn!"

Frazzle Spark frowned in befuddlement. A trash can? He was inside of a trash can? The unicorn thrust a fore leg forward and kicked a rear leg back. The motion was rewarded as his fore hoof hit something that gave. The lid to his prison flew back and bounced off the face of a light gray pegasus lying on the ground.

"Ow, my face!" protested the pegasus. "Oh, hi Fraz."

"Um, hi Sharp Wing," Frazzle Spark replied automatically, blinking as the light of day assaulted his eyes. "What happened?"

"Heck if I know," Sharp Wing shrugged as he wearily sat up. "Oh, wait, I do know. I've heard about this. This must be what they call a hangover."

"But we don't drink alcohol," Frazzle Spark pointed out.

"Oh, that's right," Sharp Wing recalled. "Well, in that case, I got nothing."

Frazzle Spark wiggled his horn free, crawled out of the trash can, and stretched his aching limbs. Sharp Wing glanced at his friend and drew a sharp breath.

"What? what is it?" Frazzle Spark asked.

"You've got a nasty shiner over your left eye," Sharp Wing explained. "Actually, all of you looks like you went through Tartarus."

Frazzle Spark gave himself a visual inspection and saw that his friend was right. He had bruises all over his body.

"This is so weird," remarked Sharp Wing as he did his own self inspection. "We're covered with bruises in the middle of the park, with no recollection of how we got here."

The two stallions sat there quietly for a moment, trying to figure out what had happened, but to no avail.

"There's some blood on the bench behind my head," Sharp Wing realized as he reached for the back of his head. "Maybe I— ow okay yes I hit my head against this bench."

Just then, the sound of hoof steps caused both ponies to glance up. Walking down the dirt path levitating a book was none other than Twilight Sparkle, with the apparent intention of sitting on the bench to read.

"I wouldn't," Sharp Wing advised. "There's blood on it."

Twilight Sparkle glanced up her book.

"Oh my gosh!" she gasped when she saw the two war-torn stallions. "What happened to you guys?"

"No idea," Frazzle Spark admitted. "But we know its not a hangover because we don't drink."

"Oh, um, I think I might have some insight on what happened," admitted Twilight Sparkle, her face reddening as she looked at the ground.

"Are... you going to tell us?" Sharp Wing prodded.

"Promise not to get mad if I do?" Twilight Sparkle asked with a cringe.

"No," Sharp Wing replied bluntly.

Twilight Sparkle waited for Sharp Wing to change his answer, but when it became clear he didn't intend to she launched into her confession.

"Okay, well, yesterday morning I realized it had been a while since I sent a report on friendship to Princess Celestia," Twilight began. "So I went around town looking for friendship related problems to solve. But I couldn't find any, and I kind of sort of started to lose it."

Neither Frazzle Spark or Sharp Wing said anything.

"Okay, I completely lost it," Twilight Sparkle relented. "which was why I decided to create a friendship related problem."

"You turned us into enemies?" Frazzle Spark wondered.

"Well, yes and no. See, I have, er, I had this old doll, and I enchanted it to make it really desirable."

"Ew," said Sharp Wing.

"Not like that," Twilight Sparkle clarified hastily. "I used a want it need it spell, except it got out of control, and everypony who saw it wanted it really badly. So badly they all started fighting. If I had to guess, you two must have beaten each other so severely that you knocked each other unconscious, which would explain while you're still here long after Princess Celestia undid the spell."

"So basically it's all your fault," Sharp Wing interpreted darkly.

"Yeaahhhhh," Twilight Sparkle said slowly. "Sorry about that."

Frazzle Spark tactfully pinned Sharp Wing's tail down with a hoof, least the pegasus do something that he might regret later.

"I don't suppose there's anyway I can make it up to you guys?" Twilight Sparkle asked hopefully.


"Ice cream? Really?" Sharp Wing deadpanned as a tall glass with three vanilla scoops coated in caramel and fudge was set before him by Frazzle Spark. Both the pegasus and the unicorn were seated at a wooden table outside what was arguably the best ice cream parlor in Ponyville. In fact, it was the only ice cream parlor in Ponyville.

"What's wrong with ice cream?" wondered Frazzle Spark as he magicked a cherry off the top of his own and ate it.

"Nothing, it just seems kind of pathetic compared to the fact we could have sued Twilight Sparkle."

"Eh, Princess Celestia would probably just give her the royal pardon," Frazzle Spark shrugged. "But even if she wasn't pardoned, suing for money is such a nasty vengeful thing, and it takes such a long time to do. Personally, I think paying for our medical expenses and ice cream was a much better deal. No lawyers, no revenge, no wasted time, and everyone can just forgive and forget."

"Seems unfair to me," grumbled Sharp Wing as he took a bite out of his own ice cream. "Twilight essentially beats the crap out of both of us, and she just loses some bits. But if I had so much as laid a hoof on her, I would be in jail."

"No, she would have just tossed you across Equestria or turned you into a beach ball or something before you even got near her," Frazzle Spark replied honestly.

"Thanks for that lovely boost to my male ego, Fraz."

"No problem, buddy."

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