Sgt. Clare, outside royal bedroom:

I checked my watch, 7:27am. I had managed to wake up just a little earlier so that I wasn’t sleeping when Hart arrived, he always seemed to think that something was going on between Luna and me. Well I guess now there was something going on between us but I still wouldn’t tell him about it.
Hart soon trotted up beside me and began standing guard. “So anything interesting happen last night?” Hart asked and I shook my head. He raised an eyebrow and I smirked “What? Don’t believe me?” I asked.

“Amos told me that were intruders in the building, apparently they totalled the library and kitchen and even knocked out one of the night guards” Hart informed me. I thought to myself about what a mess Luna and I had made last night. “Well, I only heard about it but I never got to see it” I told him, lying conveniently.

“Too bad. They’re still cleaning the library if you wanna go see it” He informed me. I tried to stifle a laugh, “What’s so funny?” he asked. “Why the hell would some-pony break in only to trash the library?” I asked and he shrugged, “I dun-oh” he replied.

I yawned as I stretched out then wiped my eyes. “Up drinking wine with the princess again?” he asked jokingly, “Nah, we decided to have vodka” I laughed sarcastically. “I’m telling yah man, she wants you” he told me and I shook my head. “Why in Celestia’s name would the princess be interested in me?” I asked him and he thought about it for a second. “Well if I was the princess I’d wanna buck you all night” he joked, I had to laugh at his immaturity. “Well I’m glad that you’re not the princess” I replied as I face palmed.

We sat around and joked for a while until a royal guard came up to us. “Lieutenant Daffodil wants us all to report to the war room for mission briefing ASAP” the guard informed us. I nodded then turned and knocked on Luna’s door. “You may enter” she called out and I opened the door and stepped in, giving a proper salute. “As you were sergeant” she told me and I lowered my hand.

“Ma’am, Lieutenant Daffodil has ordered a briefing” I informed her and she nodded. “You’re relieved from your posts” she told us then started to read her magazine titled ‘The secret to Hearts and Hooves day’ with the subtitle reading ‘How to drive your stallion over the edge in bed’, I think I was going to forget that I saw that last part.

I turned around and closed the door behind me as Hart and I paced down the hallway. “So whatta yah think?” Hart asked and I thought about the question for a moment. “Re-capturing the hill” I replied. “Nah man we just did that” he told me. “50 bits on the hill” I gambled. “You’re on, I say we’re going to the deserts near Appleloosa” he told me and I shook his hoof.

We entered the war room where the others were waiting. “Alright gentlecolts, intelligence confirms that there is an armed resistance group right here, on hill 959. Our orders are to go in and take the peak” Daffodil informed us, Hart groaned silently and gave me a sack of fifty bits. I chuckled quietly and put the sack of bits in my pants pocket. “Alright men, suit up the chopper leaves in ten minutes. They’re dropping us at the bottom and we’re moving to the top by hoof, let’s move it out” Daffodil ordered.

10 minutes later:

Sgt. Clare, helipad:

“Alright gentlecolts, load on” I yelled over the sound of the helicopter propellers. We had six Huey replicas with ten stallions loading into each one, for a total of sixty shadow guards. All the stallions in the platoon loaded onto the choppers. I mounted the door gun and nodded to the pilot, who nodded back to me and began to take off.

“So Sarge, tell me. What’s hill 959 like?” Private Ramsey, one of the new guys, asked. “Shitty” I replied back, his face had fear on it. “I mean… where is it exactly?” he asked, still a little frightened but I couldn’t blame him, this was his first combat experience. “It’s far back in the Everfree” I informed him.

“So… it’s like a forest right?” he asked and I shook my head. “No… it’s more like a jungle in there” I told him and he nodded. “So just a simple walk through the jungle right?” he asked, obviously very terrified about this whole combat mission.

“You’ve been talking to the lieutenant too much, that place is a deathtrap” said Corporal Bakers who was our squad machine gunner. Bakers, I might add, had two combat tours behind his belt but was rather brash and blunt. “Don’t scare the kid, he’s new” I told Bakers who chuckled. “Just warning him Sarge. Don’t wanna sugar-coat it for the cherry yah know” he said and I rolled my eyes and looked back to Ramsey.

“Don’t listen to Bakers, he’s let the combat get to his head. Just keep your head down when the shooting starts and you’ll be fine” I told him and he nodded. “That or you could just stand behind me when I let the PIG loose” Bakers chuckled as he fiddled with the sights on the M60.

“Yeah but Bakers, he’ll end up eating something that you tell him to then he’ll get sick like you” joked Corporal Sunburst. “Man… the crazy bitch said that it would relieve stomach cramps” Bakers argued. “Yeah so you listened to the tribal zebra and ate some poison joke” Sunburst laughed.

I would never forget those days, when Bakers had the worst digestive problems ever and some of which led to diarrhea.

4 months ago:

Sgt. Clare, jungles in the Everfree:

The entire platoon was trotting through some dense jungle tall grass. We were on patrol to scout out some village that was supposed to have zebra hostiles. The heat was hot and tropical, and bugs seemed to just swarm out of the grass and stick to my face from all the sweat.

“Oh man… man… I’m dying lieutenant… we gotta stop man” Bakers pleaded. “Bakers we can’t stop the entire platoon until we get to the village” Daffodil replied. Bakers held his gut, obviously having a bad case of diarrhea again. “Oh man… how much longer” Bakers groaned and winced, probably feeling it start to come around. “5 minutes… maybe less” Daffodil told him.

I chuckled and Bakers looked back to me. “Oh… oh you think this is funny huh?” Bakers said, nearly whimpering from the discomfort. “No Bakers, there is nothing funny about the average life of a grunt… accept when he decides to eat some tropical plant given to him by a zebra” I laughed, several of the others chuckled.

“Oh man… this ain’t funny guys… I think I’m gonna… oh god it’s coming out, we gotta hurry this up man” Bakers said, nearly in tears from the horrible discomfort.

We approached the village and we began to fan out in search of zebra fighters. I was unfortunately stuck with the diarrhea ridden Bakers who wouldn’t stop complaining. “Man… can I please go… man I can feel it slipping out right now… oh god” Bakers pleaded. “Bakers we just gotta finish the sweep, if we don’t then you could get ambushed while in” I began but Private Dawn came rushing over. “Sarge come quick, LT found an underground zebra tunnel” he informed me as he pointed to where Daffodil was.

“Alright Dawn, stay with Bakers and continue the sweep. Bakers just… try and keep it in” I replied and dashed off to hut where Dawn said Daffodil was.

Third person, the zebra village:

“Alright LT… whatta we got?” Clare asked and Daffodil pointed to a hole dug into the ground. “Alright then… fire in the hole” he warned as he pulled the pin on an M67 frag grenade and tossed it into the hole and quickly covered it with the makeshift cover top.

The grenade explosions were somewhat muffled from the tunnel cover as Clare continued to drop grenades into the tunnel hole. However far off in the forest several zebra fighters exited a hidden tunnel escape, these sorts of underground tunnels were all over the Everfree.

Back at the village Bakers was still groaning in discomfort. “Man I’m dying, I’m going” Bakers said and started trotting away into the Everfree to get some privacy. Dawn shook his head and rolled his eyes, “And that, mares and gentlecolts, is what happens when you mix poison joke with an idiot” Dawn muttered to himself.

Bakers trotted up into some dense grass and slipped down his combat pants. Though ponies usually never wore pants, during missions in the Everfree it was combat proven that despite some lack of comfort during walking, wearing pants removed most cuts and scratches received from razor grass and although the cuts were minor it was terribly irritable and could lead to small infections. Razor grass and other natural nuisances such as poison joke were usually dense in the Everfree.

Bakers got his pants and underwear down and squatted down, not noticing a small snake that slithered into his pants. He was about to go when he spotted a group of zebra fighters with AK47s trotting through the dense jungle, technically the Everfree forest but it was more tropical here.

He crouched down and picked up his M60 as he slowly slid his pants back on. He started breathing slowly as he lined up his shot but his eyes suddenly went wide as he felt something slimy and slippery sliding through his underwear.

He immediately realized what it was and dropped to the ground, screaming insanely in fear that the snake might be poisonous. The zebras heard his screaming and looked over to see the dense grass rustling around and began to fire their AK47s at the movement.

Back in the village the others all rushed together. “What the hell’s going on?” Clare asked and Dawn ran up, “It’s Bakers Sarge, he went out to take a shit” Dawn replied. “Let’s move” Clare ordered and the troops immediately followed him into the Everfree.

Bakers rolled behind a tree for some cover as he continued to scream from the slimy snake that was still slithering around in his underwear. The rest of the platoon rushed up and opened fire on the zebras that were no more than twenty or thirty yards away.

“It’s in my pants, it’s in my pants” Bakers screamed. “What’s in your pants Bakers?” Clare yelled over the automatic gunfire that now deafened most other noises. Bakers rolled over and unzipped his pants then pulled the snake out of his pants. “Jesus Christ Bakers… how the hell’d that get in your pants?” Clare asked in utter disappointment that Bakers caused this entire ruckus over a baby milk snake. “Guh, uhh” Bakers groaned as he tossed the snake away then rolled back over and opened fire on the remaining zebras.