“Well, RD, if’n y’all wanna know so bad, then have a sit an’ I’ll tell the whole yarn. See, I was comin’ home from the market, an’ hoo boy, that was a plum awesome day! Sold every apple in my cart, every pie, an’ even them half-burned fritters that AB made. I swore I’d drop ‘em in a ditch on the way over, or use ‘em for pavin’ stones on the front walk, but I plum forgot an’ wouldn’t you know it? Little suckers sold like they was Granny’s own! I tell ya what, I … oh, yeah, y’all were askin’ ‘bout how I ended up like this.

“It’s been kinda a, uh … shucks, this is right embarrasin’. I had a real dry spell lately, if y’all know what I mean. Mac gone an’ twisted his ankle, so I had to pull double shifts for the last month buckin’ trees, patchin’ up the fence, bakin’ everythin’ for market, haulin’ the cart to an’ fro. I been tuckered out every day an’ night. I just ain’t had no time nor energy for gettin’ all frisky like that. Worse, every day I been covered in mud, sweat, apple peelin’s, an’ more, which ain’t exactly left me the most attractive o’ options, y’all get my drift?

“So there I was, packed up early thanks to sellin’ out, and took my sweet time headin’ back. AB was off with her friends an’ Mac was at least okay enough to watch Granny Smith, so there weren’t no rush to get back to Sweet Apple Acres. I was feelin’ mighty fine an’ ain’t even broke a sweat yet, and wouldn’t y’all know my luck? Trottin’ along from the other direction comes these two sweet mares, smilin’ an’ laughin’ just as pretty as you please. I stopped the cart long enough to tip my hat all polite like, an’ yeah, I mighta been lettin’ my eyes wander a bit. What? I ain’t dead! A mare’s got needs, y’all know.

“I weren’t the only one checkin’ out the wares, I guess. They asked me if I was Applejack, ‘the’ Applejack, in fact. Told ‘em so, and told ‘em they had me at a loss. These fine fillies introduced themselves as Java Joy an’ Wishin’ Star. Java was thin as a rail an’ half a head taller’n me, with this gorgeous coat the color o’ applewood bark in Spring. Sparklin’ eyes greener’n new apples an’ a mane to match, I tell ya what! An’ Wish weren’t hard on the eyes, neither. Midnight blue tip to tail, an’ a little bit o’ meat on ‘er, too. Tarnation, she looked like she coulda bucked the whole West Orchard an’ come back for more.

“Java said they was lookin’ for the best apples in Ponyville an’ they heard I was the mare to see. Now, if that ain’t a pickup line bein’ hoofed to me on a silver platter, then I don’t know what is. Told ‘er the honest truth - I was sold out for the day, but I could dang sure find some extra if they’d head back to the farm with me. Her an’ Wish sidled up next to me, a might closer’n strangers oughta, an’ we headed out. They was gigglin’ an’ shootin’ looks back an’ forth an’ like they was about to open a big ol’ orange Hearth’s Warmin’ present. Which, truth be told, I was kinda hopin’ would be the case afore the night was over. Tellin’ me I was the Apple they really came to taste weren’t hurtin’ none, either.

“Now ‘bout halfway home they started rubbin’ up against me in ways I ain’t been rubbed near often enough here lately. I was sweatin’ like a mule in Summer, and Wish whispered somethin’ in my ear to the effect of, ‘you, me, her an’ that stand o’ trees over there’. I weren’t exactly thinkin’ with the right set o’ brains by this point, so off we went, cross the field an’ into this thick little glen off the road a piece. I know, I know, they’s strangers but I was frustrated an’ feelin’ fine an’ if y’all gotta know, I was ‘bout as horny as a ten-peckered owl.

“I shucked off the cart harness an’ they backed me up against this here tree, kissin’ all the right places, hooves goin’ exactly where they needed to be goin’, an’ all. Java leaned in the cart an’ hauled out my lasso, an’ I just kinda nodded. That’s usually more your thing, I know, but my brain was a few apples short o’ a bushel by this time, right? Afore I knew it, I was trussed up tighter’n Twilight’s … well, y’all know. So I’m thinkin, dry spell, it’s been nice knowin’ ya, ‘cause AJ’s goin’ places tonight, ya hear?

“Well, goin’ straight up, it seems. Them two hung my rocks-for-brains self up like a sack o’ taters an’ tied the rope off! Apparently Java an’ Wish were goin’ places too, ‘cause Wish hitched up my cart an’ took off, Java countin’ my bits the whole time, the both of ‘em laughin’ like madmares.

“Now, see, I been hangin’ upside down by my hooves for right near three hours here, an’ the blood’s been rushin’ to my head like ponies to the barrel on Cider Day. I done lost my best cart, four brand new barrels, an’ a saddlebag full o’ bits. To top it all off, Java an’ Wish had me tied up an’ willin’ and they ain’t even had the decency to end my dry spell, dangit! So if y’all could do a mare the common courtesy o’ cuttin’ me down, I’d appreciate it mightily.

“Hey, where y’all goin’, Dash? Come back here, ya darn fool featherbrain pegasus! Get your sorry carcass back here an’ cut me down! Whatta y’all mean, ‘just hang out’? Real funny, Rainbow, now …

“Did she just say she was goin’ to fetch Pinkie an’ her, uh, ‘tools’?

“Oh, horseapples. This here’s gonna be a long night.”

Author's Notes:

TMP Prompt # 247. The prompt: Write a story featuring one (or more) of the following original characters. Everything but the name is up to you, including race, gender, appearance, cutie mark, and personality. Feel free to include any other original or canon characters alongside them. OC #1: Wishing Star OC #2: Java Joy OC #3: Rock Solid.

horny as a ten-peckered owl = a line from Heathers.