The pain was indescribable.

Do not struggle, your mind is like clay to me and I shall mold it to my will.

A... A voice?

Strong. Very good.

It was like my mind was on fire, like my whole world was tearing itself apart from the inside out and trying to put itself back together in some alien configuration.

It is meaningless, you will bend to my will.

Square blocks into circular holes.

With the pain, though, came other things. Images, sensations, words that burned themselves into my mind like a red-hot branding iron.

Your mind accepts the knowledge readily, there is a deep darkness in this you.

New ideas and terrible knowledge filled my head.

Now we begin in earnest.

The cold voice of the doctor echoed in my head in a voice like a scholar lecturing his students.

Death is an illusion. A mere word to describe the separation of the material from the ephemeral. In layponies terms, the body and soul.

I cried out, maybe out loud, I don't know. There was so much pain it blurred the lines of what was real. The voice fed knowledge into me, I didn't just hear it, I understood it.

Many have tried to return motion to the bodies of the dead. Impossible.

Others have tried to resurrect the dead. Closer, but still Impossible.

Why though? Why is it impossible? This is the question we should be asking.

I felt the world pulse beneath me as the information settled into its new and violently carved niche inside my mind. The agony was behind words, it had gone from the sharp and terrible pain of a hot knife to the deep thrumming violence of gangrene.

I knew it on an instinctual level.

This knowledge was poison.

So simple.

We seek to return the dead via the medium of the body. This is the 'why' of the matter.

Why is it impossible? Because we are starting at the finish line and sprinting towards the start.

Instead we need to begin with the soul and work back from there.

I prayed and wept in my mind. I understood. I knew everything he wanted me to know, no matter how much I tried to distance myself from the knowledge. Small wonder he was insane, how could anypony know how to do what it was he wanted me to do and stay sane? Twist wasn't just animating the dead, he was doing no less than raping the natural order of life.

How unique is a soul? Impossibly unique! Every single experience shaped in a perfectly distinct way by the individual's views and perceptions.

And the body is tailored to the soul.

The audacity of those previous attempts is astounding!

To try and animate a body without a governing soul, or to try and call up an elemental spirit to puppet such a solitary machine!

Of course it would be impossible! Only the true soul of the body can govern its movements, so to animate the dead...

I woke up screaming.

Specters and revenants crawled across my skin like a spiders, eyes open and weeping blood, accusing me of atrocities I didn't remember but couldn't help but imagine. More memories flared like sunbursts in my mind. Shapeless, nameless things that moaned and begged to be released, chained to my will by a thousand shining eyes.

“JASPER SNAP OUT OF IT!”

In an instant it was over. The faint echoes of mental agony still lingered on my body, I was covered in a cold sweat and shivering, but the haunted dead were gone. I was in a bed, Twilight's bed, standing over me was the mare herself, looking pale and terrified. The Princess stood over me and panic welled in my chest.

“Jasper, are you alright? I can have you in Ponyville General in a moment if not.” The concern in Celestia's voice was real, but the high timbre of Doctor Twists voice kept echoing in my ears. “Jasper?”

I couldn't concentrate, my mind was running at a million miles an hour. Visions of death and gruesome experiments danced behind my eyeballs.

“CAPTAIN SHALE STAND AT ATTENTION!”

I stumbled gracelessly out of the bed as drilled in reflex kicked in at the lizard-brain level. In a moment I was standing at attention like a private caught out of bunk after hours by a sergeant.

A bemused smile played over the Princess's lips and a relaxed, the panic dying down as logic and the truth of my surroundings asserted itself.

“Military types... It works every time. Now then, Captain, are you alright?”

I swallowed several times as I tried to work up a response. “Y-Yes ma'am, your Majesty, I mean.”

“At ease soldier, I just want to make certain that your heart won't leap out of your chest from fear, now, are you alright or do you need a doctor?”

“I... uhm, I'm ok, you were right, by the way,” Celestia looked at me quizzically. “I-I had no idea.”

“Ah, I was afraid of that,” she answered, her voice tinged with self-reproach.

“Jasper, you're... still you right?” Twilight asked in a small voice, she looked hopeful and frightened in equal measure. That more than anything calmed my jangling nerves, and in answer I reached out and tousled her mane. She stared out from beneath wildly misplaced locks before letting out a long breath and nearly dropping to the floor in relief, she looked like she'd been holding tense for hours. Hell, I had no idea how long I'd been under so for all I knew she had been.

“I'm so glad... I was worried, after what the Princess said, that... that...”

“I'm still here half-pint, don't worry.” I pulled her into a tight hug which she returned, although for her it was more like she was holding on to something that was about to slip away.

The cultured voice of the Princess broke into the moment with the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

“As much as I hate to puncture this moment, there is still business to attend to,” I swallowed dryly as I pulled away and nodded, “Jasper, I need to know what you remembered.”

I opened my mouth to tell her about it, about the pain, the words, the voice, I reached the memories and...

Nothing. It wasn't like before, where trying to remember just brought pain from being repelled by the suppression. This time it was more like a dream I was trying to remember, only half-real and fading away with every tick of the clock-hands.

“Jasper? What's wrong?” worry coloring her voice.

“N-nothing, it's just... I... I don't remember.”

They both stared at me, Twilight looked worried again but the Princess, strangely enough, just looked sad.

“Princess? What happened? I thought you lifted the seal so Jasper would remember, was that all for nothing?!” I'd never heard Twilight raise her voice before, I didn't even realize she was capable of doing so to her mentor. She revered Celestia but now, she was actually angry.

And the Princess actually looked abashed.

“I was afraid something like this might happen.” Celestia's voice was soft but firm, “I have asked too much of you, Jasper Shale, and for that I am sorry.”

“What do you mean exactly?” I tasted hot copper on my tongue, fear was starting to ebb away as anger took its place. “What did you think might happen that you didn't feel the need to mention?”

“The trauma was too much for your mind. It seems that without the nightmarish mental conditioning that Doctor Twist put you through, your mind simply couldn't handle the pain and horror of the experience, and so it repressed the memory.”

“So what?” I nearly shouted before curbing myself, forcibly reminding myself that I almost yelled at my Princess and Goddess. Can't you just go in and get it? Isn't that what we just did?”

She shook her head vehemently, “No, not at all, all I did was loosen the bonds on an artificial seal, this is entirely your own mind at work, if I were to casually take the information it could leave you scarred for life, possibly insane.”

My mouth went dry again at the thought.

“I refuse to risk your mental well-being any longer, I will have to simply wait until Twist makes his next move and hope I can catch him in it.” She turned to leave more gracefully than she entered, Twilight and I followed her out the door, as she spread her wings she turned back to me. “Jasper, thank you, for everything you've done, I thank you.”

I nod, shame and hatred burning in my chest as I swallowed her explanation. Life-saving information that she needed was locked behind one of the doors in my brain and she couldn't get it for one reason and one reason only.

Because I was too weak.

It was early in the afternoon as I walked along the riverbank that ran past my house. After the events at the library I hadn't wanted to go back in and risk exposing Twilight to the dark mood that was brewing inside me. Instead I'd gave some excuse about needing to rest and fled back to my cottage with my tail between my legs.

Goddess, I'm such a coward. The thought burned in my mind for ferociously than any phantom memory, yet no matter how hard I reached I couldn't seem to grasp what I wanted. I wasn't fooling anypony though, for as hard as I reached a tiny part of my heart knew the truth.

The truth is that I don't want to remember what he made me see.

I stopped and stared hard into my distorted reflection in the water. Princess Celestia needed me to look into the darkness inside me to help catch one of the worst criminals ever born, but I that meant I had to take a good hard look at what I became during the war. Was I so afraid of what I was going to see in that mirror that my own subconscious was trying to reject it?

Was I really that far gone? The thought stuck maliciously and I felt my mood grow darker. In a fit of anger I let out a surge of magic, cracking the earth beneath me and destroying my reflection in the river. A small squeak of fear sounded from behind me.

“Who's there!?” I turned, rust-red light limning my horn, ready to bury whoever was sneaking up on me. Instead I ended up menacing Fluttershy who froze solid, eyes wide and wings clamped tight to her sides.

“O-oh, oh Miss Fluttershy I... I'm so sorry, you uh... you caught me at a really bad time,” I stumbled over my own tongue trying to explain before giving up. “I... I'm just going to go, I'm sorry for scaring you.” I turned away, cursing myself for a violent bastard.

“W-wait...” her voice was slight but clear, I considered just pretending I hadn't heard her and continuing on but decided I'd been rude enough as it was, so I turned back. “Are you... uhm... alright?”

I opened my mouth to reassure her but nothing came out, I was a terrible liar anyway.

“No, Miss Fluttershy, no I am not, it's uh... let's just say it's been a rough couple of days.”

She relaxed a little at my candid words and even let a shadow of her glowing smile drift onto her lips.

“Well, I was just about to head back home and make myself some tea, won't you join me?”

Something about her was inherently calming, her words, her mannerisms, even for a warhorse like me who was on guard around everypony. Around her it was like the whole world got a little more peaceful. So I nodded silently in answer to her invitation.

The walk took ten minutes at most , it was little wonder she'd come upon him, Twilight hadn't been joking when she said her friend lived on the edge of the Everfree. In fact, depending on what map you're consulting, she might actually live in the Everfree. She also hadn't been joking when she said I was her only neighbor, there was nothing but grass, tree's, and a few lovingly tended gardens surrounding a idyllic cottage. She unlocked the door and stepped over the threshold, inviting me in with a smile. I followed respectfully behind her, as I entered the thought struck me that this was so much more than a mere house.

It was a home.

In construction it wasn't too distant from how my own cottage was built, the changes were in the small details. Shelves covered in books and knick-knacks, there were a couple of well-worn couch by the window with a coffee table in front of it littered with dog-eared books. The smell of home cooking seemed to have sunk into the very wood that made up the floor and ceiling. There were also no less than a dozen food dishes scattered hither and thither around the floor, I marked their positions so I wouldn't step in one accidentally.

“Please, make yourself at home, you can put your jacket on the rack there,” she gestured to a hand-carved coat rack.

“Thanks,” I muttered softly as I took in the surroundings, and suppressed a pang of envy in my heart.

She gave me a curious look but didn't say anything, instead she went into the kitchen and soon the sound of water running kettles clinking drifted into the living room. I swept my worn greatcoat off and hung it, unlatched my shoes, and settled onto the cushions of a couch. A few moments later Fluttershy returned bearing a tray with a kettle that smelled of strong and fragrant tea, along with a few sandwiches and cups.

“Thank you for your hospitality, Miss Fluttershy, your home is beautiful,” the words came out awkwardly, but she gave me a wide smile all the same.

“That's very kind of you,” she responded as she poured tea into the two cups, her manners and etiquette were flawless.

“So... how long has it been since you moved here?” I asked, honestly curious. She froze at my question though and I realized I must have accidentally managed to stumble onto a poor subject. “S-sorry, I guess that was...”

“How did you know?” she lifted the tea to her lips and took a delicate sip, testing the heat. Her wide cyan eyes observing me critically.

I shrugged and took a sip as well, savoring the spice and floral flavor of the beverage. “I grew up in Canterlot, attended the Academy of Magic, your skill at etiquette would make most of the nobles' daughters that I met there look like country rubes.”

She laughed softly, but there was a strange undercurrent to her tone. “I was born in Manehatten.” I could understand that, I'd only spent a few weeks there during a field trip but it was pretty classy place.

“So how does somepony go from living in Manehatten, and not badly off unless I miss my guess completely, to living out here in... well no offense but, in the middle of nowhere?” Fluttershy fiddled with her teacup in an anxious manner at my question, I raised a hoof in a placating manner. “Of course, I understand if you don't want to talk about it, after all you hardly know me and I don't want to impose.”

“I moved here when I was very young, after I, uhm, dropped out of Flight School in Cloudsdale,” she answered suddenly.

“You do seem more comfortable on your hooves than most pegasi I've met, I must say.”

Another laugh slipped past her lips, I decided it was quite the most lovely sound I'd ever heard. “Only Rainbow Dash knows that, because we were the same year in Flight School.”

I nodded, not wanting to press her, it was obviously an uncomfortable subject.

“So, uhm, if you don't mind me asking...” she trailed off but the concern on her face was apparent, “are you ok, Captain? Uhm, not like... at the river, I mean just mean that... you've had this look on your face since you came in. Like you were sad or... upset?”

I snorted derisively, at myself of course, I had a pretty good poker face even if I was a bad liar, but this mare could see right through me. “I just... I guess this kind of house, this home, is the sort of one I'd always dreamed of growing up in.”

“Oh... I see... You said you grew up in Canterlot right? Where was it?”

I took another sip before setting the cup down, “Canterlot Orphanage, in the lower east quarter.”

“O-oh... I'm sorry,” a chastised look crossed her face that made me regret bringing the subject up at all.

I waved a hoof dismissively in an attempt to wave off the somber mood that was starting to descend. “It's ok, it wasn't a bad life, I guess it's just that... I dunno, I think every orphan can't help but wonder what it would be like to have a family, you know? Your own home...” I snorted again, this time in humor as I remembered the communal bunkers. “Your own room, I mean, talk about zero privacy.”

“Of course... I'm sorry though, I didn't know you were an orphan.”

I shrugged as I took a bite out of the sandwich, fresh, crisp, cucumber. “My parents didn't want me, or couldn't support me, I guess. It's sad but it happens.”

“So... you don't know...?” she ventured cautiously, it was an old subject, but not an uncommon one.

“Nope, I was left there as a foal, not even out of diapers, the caretakers said I couldn't have been more than a couple months old. Some of them were even afraid I wouldn't make it.”

Her eyes grew wide and teary as I casually chewed through the rest of my sandwich. I kicked myself mentally, the fact was that even though it was sad, it didn't really bother me. In some ways I thought I was luckier than the ones who did remember their parents. I never had anyone to miss like they did.

“I... I'm an orphan too.”

I looked up, surprised at the admission. “But you said you were raised in Manehatten.”

Fluttershy nodded, “by a foster family, they were wealthy but... couldn't conceive, they wanted a pretty daughter and... I fit the bill. I barely remember the orphanage I was left at, I got adopted when I was three.”

“Huh, no kidding?” True there was no shortage of orphans in the world, the various wars and occasionally economic lapses saw to that, not to mention the universal constant of bad parents. “Small world I guess. At least you got adopted into a good home though right?”

The sound of porcelain cracking split the air like a miniature bolt of lightning, I saw Fluttershy staring down at the broken teacup in her hooves, the delicate material shattered where her grip had become too tight.

“Miss Fluttershy? Are you ok?” clearly I'd been far from the mark with my last comment.

She shook her head as if she was waking up from a daze and stared mournfully at the broken cup, “Oh dear, I'm so sorry, I just...” hooves trembling she set the shattered cup down and began carefully cleaning the shards up, cautious not to cut herself on them.

“Let me guess, not such a good home?” I didn't want to bring it up but clearly it was something weighing on her. Besides that I had to admit, I was more than a little curious. She was an orphan like me, she'd gotten what most of us dreamt of, adoption into a wealthy home. So what had gone wrong?

For a moment she stood completely still, eventually she nodded though and it seemed to restart the rest of her body as she finished cleaning.

“F-Father wasn't a kind stallion, he was very... difficult to please, and M-Mother was distant, I think she was afraid of him too. He didn't accept failure very well.” I winced, I'd heard occasional stories about that kind of thing happening, rarely ended pleasantly.

“You don't have to go into it if you don't want, I understand,” I put a comforting hoof on her shoulder and her angelic features relaxed a little.

For a moment she looked pensive, almost worried, but some steel slipped into her features and she shook her head. “No, it's ok, I... I want to talk about it, e-even my friends don't know the story, I've always just... wanted to leave it behind. I know they wouldn't judge me or anything but... I also know that they wouldn't understand really, since they all have family. To Applejack, family is everything, Rainbow has seven siblings, Rarity and Pinkie have their sisters and parents, Twilight has her big brother and her mom and dad...”

“Yeah, being an orphan is just one of those things right?” she nodded, understanding my meaning perfectly. Nopony who's lived with a family all their lives could know what it's like to be without them. Even if you live apart from them, you get letters or visits, or you spend a few minutes a day thinking about them, even if you don't realize it. Having that part of life just not be there is like coming from a whole different world. All the advice you might have gotten, the lessons you would have learned, an orphan has to do it all on their own. “So... you foster parents weren't exactly the parents of the year?”

She shook her head, a far away look in her eyes. “When I was little I was like an ornament they would display at parties and gatherings, Mother was in charge of teaching me, she would instruct me in etiquette and manners until I could do them in my sleep. I was supposed to be the perfect daughter.”

“That sounds... pretty godawful actually, obviously the lessons took though, so what happened?”

Fluttershy laughed again but it was a sour, bitter noise.

“I grew up.”

“W-what? You're beautiful, how could growing up be something bad?”

She blushed furiously, but a genuine smile slipped onto her face. “T-thank you, Captain, you're very kind... but... uhm... you could say I went through an... awkward phase.”

“Awkward how?”

“My growth spurt started and I was... all legs and knees? I got clumsy and I'd freeze up or stutter terribly...”

“Oh, I see...” and I did, I known enough of my friends from the orphanage who grew up that way, usually they came out of it pretty good looking though. Apply that to a strict household though and it was a recipe for disaster.

“To Father, that was a failure, so he would punish me anytime I did something wrong.”

My heart chilled at her words. Somehow I doubted she meant he'd send her to her room.

“Eventually he... When I was fourteen I was supposed to be sent to Flight School, mandatory for pegasi, I was so relieved but...”

“Your father didn't approve?”

“He said I was ugly, hideous, that he didn't want me going out and shaming his household,” her words were bitter with bad memories and she tensed as if she were about to be struck. “S-so one night... I did the one brave thing I'd ever done in my life. I ran away from that horrible house and caught the first train out to Canterlot where the transport was taking new pegasi and I never looked back.”

I refilled my own cup of tea and pressed it into her shaking hooves, she smiled gratefully and took a long drink. When she set it down her nerves, and hooves, were considerably more steady.

"You're right, that was brave."

“Thank you, Capt-, that is, thank you Jasper.”

“So you do remember my name,” I said, a laugh hiding behind my reproachful words.

Fluttershy nodded shyly, "Yes, I'm sorry, and thank you for listening, I actually feel a little lighter, I think I've been carrying those memories around like a weight for too long.”

I hear that. The thought rung resentfully in my head.

“So... if you don't mind me asking, why were you down by the river? You seemed... very upset.” I had to admire Fluttershy's talent for diplomatic understatement if nothing else.

I nodded though, “I just... there's something I can't remember, and I really need to remember it.”

“Oh my... do you know why you, uhm, can't remember it?”

“Because... I don't want to.” I even surprised myself at my frank admission, but Fluttershy just nodded understandingly.

“It was a bad memory?”

“The worst.”

“Oh my, was it... about the war?”

I nodded solemnly, “Yeah, but... what I tell you, it doesn't leave this room.” Her eyebrows shot up at the sudden severity in my voice but she nodded, making an odd gesture with her hoof that ended with the appendage placed over her eye. I took it as some kind of oath from around here.

So with her promise in mind I took a deep breath, and told her everything I remembered. About the war, the battle under the bridge, the deaths of my friends, even my time in the sanitarium and being place under the memory suppression seal. Everything. I held off on the gory details as much as I could, but in some places those were the only details I had to give. But in spite of all the terrible choices I had to make, she never once looked at me with judgment in her eyes. During my explanation I wondered, more than once, if this was what the religious types felt like when they went to confessional. Either way, every word that passed my lips took a pound of weight with it and by the end, several hours and kettles of tea later, we were sitting quietly on the couch watching the sun set through her living room window.

“I... can't even imagine what it's like to have so much time missing...” her voice was soft with sympathy, not pity, but genuine sympathy. “I'm sorry I can't help you.”

I shook my head, amazed at the depths of kindness this mare was capable of, if I hadn't met her myself I'd say that there had to be something wrong with her but if that was the case then I couldn't see it, not from where I was sitting,

“You have helped, you were right, it does feel better, getting it out. Having somepony to listen to it all without feeling like I'm condemning myself. I just... wish I could remember what the Princess needs me to remember.”

She graced me with another one of those beatific smiles of hers, “It's ok, I'm sure the Princess wouldn't want you to be hurt, especially after everything you've gone through.”

“But that's just it!” I nearly shouted, before dialing it back “it's just that... that's my job. I'm a soldier, I fight to keep other ponies safe, to keep their homes and foals safe, even if I have to get hurt.”

Fluttershy nodded somberly, “I see... well if that's the case then, I'm sure you'll be able to remember eventually. We haven't known each other long but... I feel like you're the kind of pony who would do what was needed no matter the cost to himself.”

I let out a sigh and leaned back into the soft warmth of the couch before nodding.

“Yeah... whatever it...-” the answer hit me like a freight train all at once, “Whatever it takes!” I exclaimed, my mood rising as a plan took form in my mind. “Fluttershy, thank you, I think I have a plan and... well... it's not going to be pretty but I think it'll work.”

Her smile was radiant.

“Good, I knew you would.” She squeaked in embarrassment as I wrapped her in a hug before rushing to the door and pulling on my coat.

“I have to run back home but can you get a message to Twilight? Tell her to meet me at the town hall?” Fluttershy nodded absently and I grinned, feeling more upbeat than I had in days. I finally had a plan, even if it was an abysmally bad one, I knew in my bones that I was on the right track. “Thanks, I owe you 'Shy.”

I galloped out the door towards my cottage, I would need some old implements as foci for the spell I would need since I still couldn't remember the how-to and what-fors of it. Either way, I'd know something by the end of the night.

“Assuming I can find a graveyard, that is.”