I am hardly what one might call a man, if one could even call me a man by this point, of ambition. Truthfully, power is not something I seek, despite my relatively large amount of it. Control is not something I desire, despite my position of authority… I just sort of stumble into it. I have commanded great respect and great authority in my long lifetime, more than any could comprehend. I have been and felled kings, I have raised great armies and set entire nations ablaze, I am relatively certain that some people in the Congo still worship me to this day, but that is beside the point. Yet these things… they happened on a whim of mine, or on accident. I am not proud of them, why should I be? Proud of an accident? A mistake? A thing of boredom? Foolishness. Of all the things I have done, I am most proud of the things I did for me, by me, and far from anyone's sight, for these things are mine and mine alone. But… I also enjoy doing such things in the full view of others, on occasion, and delight in their obliviousness. I am old, morality barely factors into my efforts to stave off that most hated of feelings: boredom.

I am a loner, yet I often get lonely. This irritates me. I wish I could have just one and not the other. Finding little enjoyment in the presence of others, yet offset by a large desire for the presence of others after a long time. Like a terrible drug addiction with no cure. Although, perhaps, it is possible that in my past I have tried to cure one of my most unfortunate of maladies, for I have uncovered evidence of manipulation upon my mind that bears striking resemblance to magics only I could perform. My life is longer than I care to know, yet I know that it has lasted longer than I can remember. With a slate wiped clean, enjoyment could be had. Perhaps I became bored? Perhaps I suffered? Perhaps the burden grew too much, the memories cast away and a new being born anew? Perhaps I held a different title then, perhaps a name. Perhaps I cared then, perhaps the spell misfired, yet perhaps this was intended. Perhaps… perhaps all is as it should be, and I am seeing something where there is nothing.

I don't care, and that's bad. But I recognize it as bad, so that's good. My morals range, and that's bad. But I try, and that's good. There is a method and meaning to my madness. I could have made the Earth a paradise on a whim, but to what end? Suffering replaced with complacency and stagnation, I prefer suffering. But the Earth is still alive. I am not so heartless. Thrice could the reign of man been unsettled by a careless disaster, and thrice have I prevented the occurrence. Mankind is mine, whether it knows it or not. And, like a cruel child, I care not for my toys, yet I will never let another touch them. Man stands alone, yet outside interference has been thwarted by my hand. As all good scientists know, interference ruins the experiment.

Yet I am without ambition, I plan for myself but I have no great overarching scheme. I have no desire to change the world, only my particular circumstance or something that I have interest in for the moment. Helping others and their plans is an enjoyment of mine. Watching someone create, put their soul into their work, watching someone play at being God, there things are my entertainment. Letting someone else call the shots with a terribly efficient assistant was fun, watching the people of the world plot and scheme against the others was interesting. Like a self-insert fanficiton, only it was my life! Such merriment, for a time. Yet I lack ambition, for the game is only fun if others can play. If only I sit at the board, who would I play against? Who would I watch playing? Boredom. Far better to remove myself or play with a handicap, then the game has meaning to the players for they have the delusion of a chance of victory, or the maniacal thought that they might change the world with their actions.

I could have raised a golden palace the size of Asia and commanded the world to my satisfaction. Yet that thought bores me. Watching others through trials and tribulations, through successes and failures, these things are my entertainment. And creating, shaping, crafting, changing, but for myself and my will, and no other. Blades, weaponry, tools, devices beyond counting and description have passed through my hands, beginning as useless lumps of mineral, and ending with a useful device. Creation, the finest gift ever given to Man. The power to change what something is into its full potential. The power to watch as it crumbles to dust. The power of affecting the world or choosing not to. Such power…

Boredom befell me as the world became stagnant once more, after a period of delicious action and reaction and conflict and heroes and villains. Like a television series that has stopped making new episodes, I grew bored. I lusted for more. The world only entertains me if it is in motion, a tapestry can be viewed a thousand times, never changing, but if the tapestry could move with a mind of its own; oh, such sweet elegance! With the great climax of the conflict between the Americans and the Russians over with, the world fell into their common everyday squabbles once more. Boring.

The Middle East continued to be its rambunctious, backwards self which provided some interest, at least. To think they used to be a great center of learning, with knowledge pouring through every scholar's mind while the Europeans had their Dark Age. Now they can't so much as walk down the street without being flogged or stoned or some other dreadfully ancient punishment in some places, and in others they cannot even enjoy an American comedian without the Religious police arresting the lot of them. I enjoy the occasional throw back, but it's everyday with these people. Fundamentalist dogs.

I desired a change. So I thought and I planned, before stumbling across a possibility that intrigued me. What better change for the world than a kingdom, seemingly displaced in time, suddenly appearing and gracing the world with its presence? The conflicts, the heroes, the villains, the story; fascinating, what would have resulted might have captured my attention for generations. Easily done, as well; it was simplicity itself to kidnap numerous children from around the globe, about a million in all, and seclude them in some forgotten part of the Himalayas. There, their minds were to be shaped to my will. A whole kingdom of devout artisans existed under my rule, their God very much alive and amongst them, constantly creating to seek favor from their Father; glorious. One piece added to the board, and of such antique craftsmanship, why, it could have and would have radically altered the world! Led by my hand, until such time as I felt they could stand on their own for a bit, the world would have had to contend with an ancient society of virtuous people.

It might have been fun had a simple trip for supplies gone magically awry.

Then the ponies! How infinitely interesting! A change, a glorious change! A fantastical new world to explore, a whole new species, magic! Oh… it was fun. I made friends, had some adventures, made things, and found someone else to command me! Truly, it was paradise.

Immortals seemingly made just to be my companions, each with their own intricate story and personality! We could shape history together, creating a marvelous tapestry that never ends!

It still is a paradise, now that I think about it. So much is new here, I simply must explore. I haven't even killed an Equestrian dragon yet! Just one of their pigmy hydras. It's literally a world filled with fun and fantasy! Imagine the stereotypical evil creatures that must reside here, just out of my sight! If I didn't have a wedding to attend, I might hear the road calling my name, begging me to traverse it with great, bipedal strides! A master of the Earth will walk this land!

This world is a story book, but my favorite role has always been the wise wizard, gently guiding the scions and heroes to their inevitable destiny, fully prepared. Think! The possibilities, what I can do, the fun! I can do anything and everything. Within moral reason, however, some mortals may think me a monster, and they would be correct if we used their system of morality, but I use my own. Don't kill randomly or without purpose. Don't cause suffering randomly or without purpose. Simplicity itself. I think it's a rather fine system, if you ask me. But these things take time, shaping others properly. I could do it in but an instant, but where's the sport? I'm not a monster, taking and changing minds with a snap of my fingers. More powerful personalities can and will resist, and I let them.

For instance, a monster would burn and loot a village because it was there. I, on the other hand, would wait until the village in question somehow offended before doing something rather similar, though likely more subtle. A monster would brainwash the masses to secure its power. I would let the masses think their own thoughts as they couldn't really affect my power if they tried their damnest.

I have time, however. I always do. I will take it and use it to slowly, gracefully experience what this world has to offer, suck the damned marrow out of its bones!

Spike expressed interest in a bachelor party far after it was appropriate to have one, though he is far too young to either attend or plan one. But Shining Armor still needed one, a rather smashing one I might add, and it fell to his self-appointed best man to plan it. I have friends now, time to act like one! The party in question had almost everything, though apparently my favorite narcotics were unacceptable. There was dancing, music, streamers, balloons, many of his nearest and dearest except for his future-wife, and a whore or two. It wouldn't be a bachelor party if there wasn't a whore, though I initially wasn't sure if Mister 'Fine Merchandise' was up to the task of providing for a bachelor party of this magnitude... I think he might have done a good job? I'm not sure about the matter. My heart and associated organs are devoted to the one pony I feel mildly attracted to. Coincidentally; I feel beyond sexually neutral to every single pony ever. Though I am happy to report that Shining Armor took one look at the mares, and then immediately shied away, mumbling something or other. Either he has moral integrity, or his wife has him on a short leash. Perhaps both. Perhaps neither.

Of course, all of this was held far from the wrath of his bride-to-be or aunts-to-be. Some random city was selected for the event, under the clever pseudonym of 'Gleaming Aegis'. Hehehe, he was so mad! He felt it was like shouting his name to every self-respecting pony in the city that Canterlot's Captain of the Guard was getting his rocks socked off in their humble little demesne. I would say that Shining Armor needs to lighten up, but with his hot head he might very well start floating away with the breeze…

Hell, apparently, I knew about the event way before anyone else did. Even Twilight.

Even Twilight.

She takes us all, and by 'all' I mean her only friends ever, on some picnic. She made a few derogatory remarks about my and Spike's species before singing a bit. Seriously, she had this bit about BBBFF (big brother best friends forever) and then Applejack declared herself and the other ponies in the entourage to be PBFF (pony best friends forever), completely ignoring my and Spike's species. Well, naturally I had to act the part of disgruntled white man and picked up Spike by the tail and walked away, raising an awful stink. Twilight was so nerdy in her apology. Spike was trying not to care, but I could tell that he was deeply affected by Twilight's casual disregard of him. Maybe. I'm not so good with dragons, to be honest. I'm very rarely good with people either. What do they call it when you don't know what's socially acceptable because you have barely interacted with society for longs stretches of time? And you barely care? Sociopathic tendencies?

Then we actually had the wedding itself some time later.

Giant. Pink. Bubble shield. All courtesy of the one stallion that all the ladies love, and all the stallions would love to be. The color most associated with homosexuality besides the entire rainbow. I might have absolutely ripped all over him for that, but he had it coming.

Worst. Infiltration. Ever.

I made that chitinous wench the very instant I got within smelling distance. How not a single pony in Canterlot was able to smell bugs all over the place was beyond me. They're supposed to have good, animal-esque noses. Though my senses and instinct are far superior to modern man, apparently I'm an older model, but only slightly older, like back when cars wouldn't be totaled from a fender bender, I'm that old car; still useable, and in some aspects far superior. Then there was the fact that she acted like a bitch beyond comparison.

No one noticed.

Oh my various and diverse Gods…

I walked down halls. I saw bugs. They may have worn the faces of ponies, but they were incredibly stupid. They didn't talk. Ever. Silent as the bloody grave. Silent as the vacuum of space with noise cancelling ear phones. Silent as the ninja are thought to be in common culture. I actually found one in my office, pretending to be me in my pony form. Do you know how stupid that is? Impersonating someone before you've got them tagged and bagged? While mute? And smelly? So he was the first to die, they do leave an interesting blood splatter all over my room, I'll tell you that much.

And the little bugger messed my paperwork up three ways to death. He tried to take ALL my guards and scatter them throughout the entire city in little, tiny groups. Just the sort of groups that would easily be taken out by ambushes, and have their identities stolen. Or in preparation for some random invasion, where resistance would be widespread, but ultimately ineffectual. So I whip out my extra-large, custom made 'NO' stamp, and started stamping around a bit before immediately telling the various lieutenants and sergeants to stay in groups of fifteen, minimum, while patrolling the city.

So I figure that anyone ballsy enough to try and infiltrate Canterlot will probably be there in person. Then, I figure that anyone who's arrogant enough to think that attacking Canterlot is doable would be the highest ranking possible stolen identity.

Naturally, I decided to confront the head bitch in charge and found her singing to herself in Cadence's chambers about how she planned on taking over Equestria or some such nonsense, with love of all things. I call her out on her bullshit, and she tries to act as though she wasn't just singing about conquering Equestria right in front of me. And she also acts as though I weren't the one that introduced her and Shining. And she smells. And she acts very bitchy, the exact opposite of sweet, sweet Cadence candy. Basically, if you ever try infiltrating the pony equivalent of Buckingham Palace or the White House, don't do what this insect tried.

At the end of that conversation, I decided to not do anything. I felt like seeing an incompetent invasion happen real time, the only invasions I've ever been a part of involved me winning. She zapped me with some kind of mind control ray which was so very, very ineffective against me and my natural resistances. This ray allowed me to leave the room under the pretense of her control, but I really just wanted to see how this would turn out. Use a mind control ray on me? Please; I will have that critter stuffed and mounted in my office by day's end.

Worst infiltrator ever plus the most naïve bunch of critters I've ever known equals what? A bug invasion of Canterlot. The ponies, somehow, failed to notice Madam Bug Horse the First. Only Twilight noticed the fake Cadence and it even took her forever, and she was apparently her babysitter for the longest time! I had her made in about two to three seconds, proving my natural human superiority. Then, she decides to call the fake bug critter Cadence out in the middle of a huge crowd, and everyone gives her the mental and pony equivalent of 'screw you' before leaving. Even Celestia, the head horse in charge. Though in retrospect, Celestia did know and so did Luna. She just decided not to tell anyone, probably as a test of character or maybe strength for Twilight. Letting Twilight be sent to the underworld slash crystal caverns was strange on her part. What if the bug thing had sent her to the bottom of the ocean or something? Celestia wouldn't have known. And if you're unaware of just what would happen if a unicorn was teleported to the bottom of the sea would do, I'll give you a hint: pop, blood, and instant death.

So I still have to act like I have no idea what's going on while Celestia gives me all of these sly glances, silent laughs, and mysterious grins as she watches the bug's admittedly sub-par performance.

Hell, Celestia 'losing' in that little fight was the cheesiest thing I've ever seen.

Yadda yadda yadda, things happen, rocks fall everyone dies, etc, etc.

I was about to land an unsuspecting beat down on the bug queen once every one decided to fight her in the throne room, but then it turned out that Celestia was going to do that. Then fail. Then I had to act like the terrible, second-too-slow bodyguard and try to attack the bug queen from behind, only to be 'blasted' out of the windows by the 'overwhelming power of love beams'. I felt compelled to see how Twilight and her gang would react, so I decided to not even try to help and just sort of shadowed those adorable little ponies I've come to know and appreciate as living things. You know, see how they do, give a report on how bad they sucked, maybe give them some fighting experience the old fashioned way with direct mind-to-mind memory transference, originally designed by the great mystics of the stickiest, ickiest, swamp jungle ever.

They behaved surprisingly poorly. Though considering my standards are set at 'win with no scratches', it's understandable that they would fall short, but damn did they fall short!

They get captured after putting up a considerably violent fight. I didn't even have to step in more than a half dozen times, though invisibly. I must have been rubbing off on them in some way.

Damn I'm good; influencing other people's minds without trying or actually wanting to. But they still got captured, and I didn't feel like revealing myself to the group. Let them taste a little of failure, give them a little fire to prevent capture next time. Or they'll suffer some horrible thing that most female prisoners eventually suffer. So I kept a close eye on them while under considerable invisibility spells. Damn I'm thoughtful. And good, have you tried to sneak while invisible without actually sneaking? Whoa; tough stuff.

Then some more things happen while Luna and the Guard absolutely annihilate the bug critters outside, I thought I heard them be referred to as changelings or something but I didn't particularly care. I was coordinating the ass-kicking efforts outside with my GREAT and TERRIBLE intelligence, while using the voice that my horse is known for. I felt as though he hasn't been out much, mostly because I don't care for him. I don't know if the head queen was into some form of ridiculous masochism, as the bugs apparently have a hive mind, but I saw an indescribable lack of skill in every action the changelings took. Droves of changelings died, only for a drove and a half of changelings to appear from behind the killed changelings as they climbed over their own fallen.

Hilarious.

Hell, Broken Bulb and Shattered Globe held down an entire wing of the castle alone. I figured that, you know him being a spy and all, he would suck at fighting in the open. But then I realized the significance of being a master martial artist of a unicorn school; dude was channeling lightning and electric fire through every surface including the air. Everything that got near him vaporized, especially the idiotic changelings that bum-rushed him. I might very well have to give him a congratulatory aloe vera plant. I noticed some substantial electric burns near his horn and eye balls, those have to sting. I suppose that comes with channeling lightning into everything.

Some of the Guard were captured instead of killed, no one knows why. But the vast majority fought for a long time, just about until the queen and all changelings were most violently expelled, (less than a half hour), by an embarrassingly pink sphere of magic. You seriously do NOT want to know what happened to the changelings that were indoors while it happened. Some stinks do not wash out and some stains cannot be Frebreezed. Or vice versa.

So, all's well that ends well, the power of love overcomes, the adorable princess and her shiny hubby live happily ever after. Except Shining Armor got fired. No one was expecting that. It sure was funny though, but seriously a guard that can't tell when he's being mind-controlled is fairly useless in a position of leadership. So now I'll have to go through a laborious process of finding a replacement. Way to go Captain Shiny Shield.

But I had to go and hunt down a Queen. Because no one thought to check if they had wings before they were repelled. And I had a blank spot near my Double Headed Lion pelt rug.

Woo… she was in no way shape or form a doozy or difficult to kill or hunt. You'd figure that catching a bird launched through the sky would be hard to track on account of its wings, and you'd be right. But changelings are stupid. Most of the survivors flocked towards the Queen, and they were easy to track. And easy to kill. A well learned maxim from Earth served just as well here; 'Fire kills bugs.' Unsurprisingly, it also cooks bugs. Which make for strange delicacies in some countries. And my stomach.

I also get an amazingly realistic stuffed changeling Queen out of the deal, its face still twisted in terror from the moment before its death. It decorates my office with extreme prejudice. Celestia tries to come in and tell me that it's not really appropriate on occasion, but we have come to a casual, unspoken understanding on the matter. I keep my trophies, she gets her cake.

You might think that that would be the logical end of this most glorious of poorly planned, poorly executed, and ill-advised invasions, but no; Cadence and her husband immediately get shipped off to rule some ass-backwards icy hell hole that's been suspended in time for 1000 years or something by a huge dick. Well, I suppose it's better than making Shiny be a stay-at-home-not-a-dad-yet. Get him a job being some prince in some backwater. Maybe he'll send me a letter, asking for money so that he could reopen his bank account and promise to send me even more later, or some strange excuse like it. Heh; Nigeria.

But I didn't go on that adventure. It sounded far too stereotypical for me.

And, well… you know. They kind of forgot to invite me. Seriously. They literally forgot. I watched them leave. I helped pack their bags. I gave them casual advice. Not once did they stop, turn around, and ask me with those big, puppy dog eyes, 'Forgey, do you want to come with us.' Nope, not even once. Damn them. Off in some amazing winter vacation destination and I get to mind my house like a filthy casual. I'm going to whip out my duke card and start laying laws around here. I do that when I'm upset. Or do I?

But, for now, I am content.

I have a house, a job, a blue alien babe.

I have friends too, that's a plus.

Do you have a blue alien babe? Be jealous.

Do you have a house? Be jealous.

Do you have a job? Be jealous.

Do you have friends? I hope so.

And pity me, if you please, for Rainbow's wrath knows no bounds and I am usually willing to let it take its course. Because it's fun. And a change.

But remember most of all, if there's a lesson to be taken from all of this; a woman that can stand on her own four legs while calling you out on your bullshit is priceless. Ignoring the fact that a four legged human would be simultaneously terrifying and priceless to scientists.

And, she puts up with my bullshit.

Like random catapults.

And constant asking for a double rainbow and seeing all the misconceptions that she thinks it might mean.

And horse jokes.

And random angsty emotionally bitchitude.

And playing dress up.

And hatred for Communism.

Verily and truly, I feel as though this place isn't half bad, despite it missing most if not all of the cool shit I made back home…

I wonder how Azodious is. Or that old Thomas Gemenescious. Or Robert 'Billy Billy Willy Slick Jilly my Nilly Zilly' Robertson. I dearly hope that they didn't screw it all up too badly. So close; almost two generations in, one more and I would have sent them out to the world! Or invited the world in!

But the past is behind; and the world is ahead!

And there are so very many paths to tread!

Such wonderful people and stories to tell!

With fantastical, evil clichés to fell!

Many wonders of existence to explore!

And maybe a dozen courtesans or more!

Through hell and high water, the world will be mine!

Through deceits, guile, and cunning, the world is mine!

Oh, this is going to be fun.