I frowned as I laid my eyes on the door in front of me. That stupid door had always been a bother, and I really don't remember it ever being open, as the door was stuck and I couldn't open it for the life of me.

Until today!

I grinned sadistically as I ran a finger down the crowbar I was holding. It was about time I did something about this stupid door... Today is the day I open the door to the closet in my room. I stuck my tongue out in concentration as I jammed the crowbar between the frame and the door and started pushing. I grunted from the strain and I felt a trickle of sweat run down my forehead. I grinned as I heard a crack from the door, which urged me to continue.

The stupid door was finally giving up! I grinned even wider than before and jammed the crowbar to the door once again, but this time with much more force. After a final, powerful jerk the door cracked open. I felt a sudden boost of accomplishment! I felt adrenaline! I did something I'm not quite sure why I did it! And it felt good...

After my pride had been increased, I kicked the door open completely. I spit at your mother and eat your children, door! I continued to look inside the closet to see...

See...

What. The. Everfucking. Fuck. To. Ever. Fuck...

I poked my head through the closet. I... I didn't know I had a secret room inside my room... Ha! Fuck yeah! My room is awesome! I took a careful step into the additional room, and a strange tingling feel ran through my body. I looked down at my body, still wearing some plain jeans and a red t-shirt... Huh. I looked back to where I had come from to see no differences there.

As I turned back, I came face to face with a... A...

Well, what the actual shit is that?

It looks almost like... Some kind of dog, but with bigger eyes and bigger ears. And... Is that a horn? Yeah, last time I checked, a dog doesn't have a horn, unless my dog is hiding something from us all... I decided to abandon all conspirational thoughts momentarily as I noticed the equally clueless face on the the... Thing standing in front of me.

”I... Um... I come with peace?” I waved sheepishly and my eyes darted back and forth. Ugh, I'm such a dork... Seriously. I-

”You... You can talk?”

wat

How....

Why....

But... But how can... How can that... Thing talk? I think my brain just had a meltdown. I can't brain very well right now... My eyes slowly glide into a cross, and I think I'm even drooling a bit...

”Heh... Aha ha.... HA! HA!” I started laughing uncontrollably. Nope, this isn't real. I failed with opening the door, my grip slipped and I clocked myself in the head, because this is seriously not happening! The... Whatever it is backed away from me with its ears back. ”I must be high or something! I'm seeing purple horned doggies! Wow, whatever it is I got drugged with, I want more!” I laughed some more.

”You're not... High, you just kinda... Appeared out of nowhere.” She took a step forward. ”And I'm not a dog, I'm a pony. And I'm not purple, I'm lavender...” She finished with a growl.

Wait, what? She's... A lavender unicorn pony hallucination which says I'm not currently lying on my bed, foaming from my mouth and having a seizure? Seems super legit. Yeah, I think I'll play along. It's not like I have something to do, or somewhere to be... ”Well, I kinda opened a door to a closet in my room, and this place was inside the closet.” I pointed to the door behind me, where I could still see my own room.

”So... You mean you used a dimensional teleportation doorway?” Her grin was so big that I actually thought that her head would rip into two... She squee'd ”Wow! I really have to research this magical phenomenom!” She giggled and skipped past me.

Wait... Did she say magic..? So all in all, she's a lavender unicorn pony who knows magic? I felt my right eye twitch momentarily. No... Nope. Fuck it, I'm done. I am sooo done. I shook my head and muttered a few... Choice words... I tried to walk back through the doorway where I had come from, but it was blocked by the pony. I sighed heavily and decided to look for another way out. I spotted a door which appeared to lead out from the house. I shrugged and walked through the door.

”What's the worst thing that could happen...”

Sometimes I'm an idiot.

Apparently, the ponies in this village are curious. They were cautious at first and just stared at me.

Apparently, they also don't like it when someone decides to cause a scene and destroy stuff.

That someone was totally not me. Nope, not ever...

What..?

Oh fine... I may have freaked out when a pink little pony decided to assault me, and I tried to exorcize her using some stuff I found a little here and there. First I tried using an apple to summon Apple'thulu. It didn't work very well, but at least the pink pony thought that it was hilarious.

I decided to get the hell out of that crazy town in some way, as I have a strong feeling that I'm not welcome there any more after I... Well, I maybe wrecked a huge statue with some pony with wings, a horn and a sun on her butt.

I shall call her Sun-butt, and she will be my noble steed.

The residents of the town didn't find that very funny, apparently as I was being chased down the main street by a mob of angry ponies. The ones with the wings are crafty bastards, especially the one with the rainbow mane. Oh, and the unicorns threw rocks at me. Fucking gravity hackers...

I grinned as I saw the point of my escape, namely the huge tree where the lavender unicorn pony lived. I barraged through the door and slammed it closed behind me, and breathed a heavy sigh of relief. I couldn't see her in the room, so I just walked into the door leading back to my room, and there she was, staring at my laptop with her ears back and a pout on her face. I cleared my throat loudly. She yelped and a blast of... Magic? Let's go with that...

So yeah, a blast of magic shot from her horn and hit my laptop, turning it into a smoldering heap. I felt my right eye twitch twice. I marched toward her and lifted her in the scruff of her neck, walked to the closet door and tossed her through it, then slammed the door on my end closed. ”Fucking ponies...”

I felt a single manly tear of manly manliness go down my cheek as I laid my eyes on the remains of my computer, but relaxed and counted to ten. I decided to go down into the kitchen and grab something to drink.

As I walked into the kitchen, I saw that my parents and both of my siblings were there. My mother turned toward me with a slight frown. ”What have you been doing upstairs? We heard some strange noises.”

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. ”Long story short, I just came out of the closet where I was being chased by talking, technicolor rainbow ponies. One of them messed with my laptop, and one of them tackled me and wouldn't stop hugging me in every God damn way possible...”

My mother looked thrilled, when my dad gave me a disappointed glare, walked to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and left the room. In the back I saw my older brother grin smugly to my little sis, who handed over a twenty-dollar bill to him with a groan.

Wait, was it something I said? I-.. Oh. Oh!

”Fuck my life...”

Author's Notes:

So um... I couldn't sleep, so this happened... Sometimes even I don't know what I'm doing,