Well. I how do I kick off this batshit insane adventure? The part where I had to drive through an avalanche? The part where I tried to use laser pointers? The part I have to encounter prematurely ejaculating guns? Or maybe the part where I ended this whole damn thing? I guess the best place to start is the beginning. The start of this trip to the highway to hell.

Well, I see that you’re still here. Good to know that someone’s gonna be here the whole time I narrate my whole fucked up life. Though why you would stay around after the first paragraph I honestly don’t know. By the way, if you mind, could you back up a bit? Seriously, you’re kinda creeping me out. Might wanna loosen up a bit. There we go.

Name’s Nash Grace. I’m nothing but a thief and a horrible friend. I’m six foot eight and have honey blond hair with startling grey eyes. I steal to make a living. Yea big guy like me steals. Raids people’s houses in the middle of the night. Can’t even fight to earn my money like one of them MMA fighters or wrestlers. Lived a normal life. Nothin’ big usually happened to me. I mean sure I have my ups and downs but other than that my life is pretty boring. That is until today...

I was just chillin’ by the local town pool. Soaking in some rays, just chillin’. Once I was done I packed up and was about to leave, my bag slung over my shoulder. I headed for the entrance when suddenly at the receptionist someone called out to me.

      “Hey Nash.”

I turned my head over to see who had called out. Now everyone at home, I want you to try and imagine a woman called “Darque Chocolate”. Now imagine her three times as big. That was the woman that was calling out to me. She was okay I guess. I mean she wasn’t as bitchy as my ex-girlfriend so...

      “Got some new stuff in the Lost and Found. Serious bling. You should go check it out.”

      “Will do.” I replied

I turned around and headed for the Lost and Found. She had mentioned something about serious bling. Score.

I entered the small closet of a room and immediately found what she was talking about. They were six dog collar things. Too small to be necklaces. But they were seriously expensive looking. All of them were golden with a single piece of jewellery in the middle. One had a ruby thunderbolt, another had a pink butterfly, then there was a blue balloon, an orange apple, and then a pink diamond.

But the one that stood out most was the last one. It was a tiara with a purple star-like gem. They looked like they could sell for A LOT of cash. So, being the thieving bastard that I was, why not?

I looked around to make sure there was nobody there before stuffing the six collars into my bag. I got up and headed for the exit once again. This time, with the jewels in my bag.

      “Yours?” Darque asked

      “Nope.” I hastily replied

I got in my car and tossed the bag into the passenger's seat. Now my car isn’t exactly an important detail in all of this but it’s gonna be all over this whole thing so I mine as well give you guys a slight idea of the piece of metal I’ll be driving.

My friends had teased me for looking like Jack Reacher. And the film is coming out soon, so one of my friends went out and got a mint condition ‘70 Chevelle for me. He actually dented one side of the car too by driving it into a wall. So I dented his face in return.

What?

So I throw the bag into the passenger’s seat, back the car out and floor it like a bat outta hell. I’m pretty sure whichever prissy pants had lost these dog collars were not going to be happy to find them in the passenger’s seat of my car. Not at all.

In a matter of minutes I had arrived back at my own home. I took the backpack in and threw it on the recliner. I kicked the door close and called out for my roommate.

       “Yo Travis. Got somethin’ you might wanna see.”

My roommate came out from his room sporting a leather jacket and stonewashed jeans. He looked down at me from upstairs.

       “What is it Nash?”

Travis Jackson was my roommate, he had dark hair and sea green eyes. He was five foot six. Quite short. Both of us were complete and exact opposites in both physically and mentally. He was also my partner in crime. He usually mugged and snatched while I snuck in and out at the dead of night. We got along quite well, but there have been a couple of times where I think things could’ve gone a bit better. Hey brothers gotta hug and brothers gotta fight.

      “Find something interesting?” Travis asked

I picked up my bag and emptied its contents on the table. The six glorified pieces of dog clothing spilled out and gleamed in all their glory.

      “Try six.” I said with a grin on my face

Half an hour later...

I hauled my luggage to my car. Me and Travis had decided that staying in Chicago would be too risky. The owner of these glorified dog accessories were gonna find us one way or another if we stayed in the windy city of Chicago, Illinois. So, me and my partner in crime had decided to move to New York since I could just drive there and we always wanted to go there anyways.

Travis emerged from his room with his luggage. We had only two luggages and all of our money. Which was probably around $100,000 total. He hauled it down the stairs and went outside. He stuffed it in the trunk and shut it. I walked in one more last time and sat on the recliner. Travis sat opposite to me on the sofa. I sighed and stared around the room.

      “Gonna miss this place. Not gonna lie.” I said

      “Yup. But cheer up man, we can afford this and much more once we get those collars sold.” Travis said

I leaned forward gave him a bro-fist and leaned back. Not long after, the doorbell rang. I got up and headed for the door unaware of the clusterfuck that was about to happen. I had no idea what was behind that door. If I did, I would’ve just jumped out the window, got in the car and sped off.

I opened the door and standing in front of me was small and lavender. It had a horn on it’s head, hooves at the end of it’s legs and sported a hime cut with a streak of pink.

This creature was a pony.

A pony.

Was I high?

I stared at it in amazement, unable to emit any sound whatsoever.

      “Hello dear sir, my name is Twilight Sparkle and I’m looking for-” The lavender mare continued

I simply stared at her. The fact that she could talk only further increased my state of confusion.

      “Alright. I’m probably going insane so lemme just shut the door and walk away before things get a little out of control.”

I shut the door and went back to the recliner. The look on my face must’ve been pretty funny because Travis was holding in his laughs.

      “So who was it?” Travis said while wiping a tear of his cheek

      “A pony.”

      “A what?”

      “I’ll explain later.”

I was about to get up and go. Until I heard my door come crashing down. I turned to see a cyan blue mare standing at the doorway, she had a rainbow mane and- Were those wings?!

      “Rainbow!” I heard Twilight Sparkle call out

      “You had your chance Twilight!”

The cyan blue mare tackled me and growled in my face. I did the only thing a big guy like me could do while trapped under an angry pony.

I cried for momma.

I’m sorry but that was really, really scary. If I had to choose between doing that again or going through a Saw movie, I’d probably take my chances with old Jigsaw thank you very much.

I screamed my lungs off before Travis kicked the freak-of-nature off me. The sky blue pony flew across the room and landed somewhere in the kitchen. I backed up into a corner. Adrenaline coursed through my veins. I stared at Travis. He too had the same amount of fear occupying his eyes.

      “Dude we gotta go and we gotta go NOW.” Travis said

I nodded. The sooner we left this house, the better it would be for all of us. But mostly us.

I was about to head out of the room when suddenly the cyan blue mare came out of nowhere. She had a pot on her head like a helmet. If I wasn’t so scared I probably would’ve taken a couple of pictures ‘cause she was pretty adorable.

But unless this mare was a camera whore who wouldn’t mind while I fished around for my Nikon I had no choice. I tried to lead it away from the door to no avail. I spotted something on the coffee table.

A laser pointer. Oh boy this is gonna be good.

I grabbed the small item and turned it on. I pointed the red beam at the floor and watched it dance right in front of the light blue pony in the hopes that they were like dogs or cats. Travis watched nervously.

She truly couldn’t have given any less of a damn.

I tossed the laser pointer right at her. Under normal circumstances, it probably would’ve bounced off her harmlessly. But with my immense strength, I managed to get her to crumple to the floor. I looked for any means of escape. I looked to my left. The window. Time to stop being a wussy and be a badass. Or well, as badass a loser like me could get.

I ran over to the window and leaped through it. Now you know when you see your favorite movie stars busting through windows? They look pretty harmless right? They don’t hurt right? WRONG! I have never been so misguided in all my life. I crashed through the window and felt immense pain that even my adrenaline could not save me from. I felt glass pieces fly everywhere. I quickly got up and stumbled towards my car door, my body covered in cuts and bruises. I opened it and got in. Put the key into the hole, twisted it and heard the engine rumble to life.

Travis leaped out the already smashed window, slid across the hood and got in the passenger’s seat.

      “STEP ON IT!”

I didn’t protest. I floored it and the car lurched forwards. I slammed into the back of my seat and so did Travis. The car barreled down the road, my heartbeat was racing. I looked to my right where Travis was sitting. He looked pretty shaken up. He took one look at me and shook his head.

      “That was bad.”Travis said

      “No shit Sherlock.” I said rather bemusedly

Me and Travis looked at each other one more last time. Slowly but surely we burst out laughing.

      “You kicked a sky blue horse across the house!” I exclaimed while still howling with laughter

      “And then she had a pot on her head... and then... the laser pointer...” Travis said while wiping a tear from his eye.

      “Now we’ve got nothing to worry about. Except for the...”

I looked at Travis. He looked at me. We both knew what was gonna happen.

      “Money money money money money!” We both said in unison

Me and him howled with laughter upon thinking of our fortune. Sure we had just been attacked by technicolor ponies but the thought of all that money just seemed to cheer me up. The jewellery could sell for at LEAST $2 million. Maybe even more if we found the right buyer.

      “Money money money ALL DAY LONG!” Me and Travis said as we bombed the hills and soon enough the windy city of Chicago faded into a mere blur in the rear view mirror.

Things were going great. All that was left between us and that cash was a really long road trip Easy right? No obstacles whatsoever, just a straight drive there.

Well, I thought so until I saw the light blue horse land on the hood of the car. Nostrils flaring, rainbow hair whipping around in the wind and magenta eyes glowing with hatred.

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