Team Fortress: Grossly Incandescentby Ruby Rose
Chapters
- Prologue: Oh crap...
- Chapter 1: Problem
- *Chapter 2: Introductions* Rewritten!
- *Chapter 3: 11 Phantom Guys* FULL REWRITE!
- Chapter 4: Boss Fight? More like the Domination!
- Chapter 5: Started off The Wrong H(oof/and)
- Chapter 6: Listen Well, Boys, Because It's Beggining to Look Like Dustbowl.
Prologue: Oh crap...
Friday, the last day of fighting for the Builders League United (BLU for short) and Revaliable Excavation Demolition (RED). What fighting you ask? The fighting between 18 mercenaries! They are fighting over lands! But they are no ordinary mercenaries! There's the Scout, youngest of them all, his role is to capture the flag (a briefcase), distract enemies and run around. He wields a scattergun, a bottle of milk, which magically regenerates over time, and a bat with a nail sticking out of it (called a Sandman). There is the Soldier, who shoots rockets with his rocket launcher (a WWII one!), shoots down MAGGOTS with his shotgun, and smashes enemies to pieces with his statuette made out of Australium, a statuette featuring Saxton Hale himself! Here is also the Spy, who has a revolver, a knife and a gold, pocket watch, which allows him to get shot and become invisible for a short amount of time. He also is an owner of the disguise kit, which makes him look like an enemy (RED) or disguise himself like a teammate. He also has a sapper, which destroys enemy mechanical constructions. We also have the Sniper! He has a Sniper Rifle (duh!), a jar of piss (which also regenerates) and a machete.
It was raining on the battlefield, which the mercenaries call cp_granary (cp stands for control point).
"Incoming milk!" announced the Scout, spraying milk on a teleporter, set up by the enemy engineer.
"Jarate!" shouted the Sniper, doing the same what his teammate, the Scout did,
"Zhat are you tvo, imbesiles, doing?" asked the Spy, sapping the teleporter, not touching the milk and piss deadly combination. "You do realize, that zis doesn't damage ze teleporter?"
"Calm down, spook!" replied the Sniper, chuckling "We're just having some fun, we almost won! Its twenty second to whole three minutes!"
"Zhy do I even bother?" asked the Spy no one, and sighed, turning around to go and protect the point.
WSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!
»»» Equestria, one minute ago. «««
Twili- Princess Twilight Sparkle sat in the library, on a comfortable red couch finishing reading a book titled "Long Range Teleportation, and its Dangers. A book by Canterlot Magic College" a book, she bought and read- no! Devoured in 30 minutes!
"Well, of to test it!" she said. "Spiiike! I'm off to try some new spells!"
She focused, and channeled magic to her horn, making it softly glow purple, the same color as her coat. It (the glow) was getting more deep until...
FLASH!
»»»Back on Granary«««
"What ta' hell?!" shouted the Scout, surprised that the teleporter, which was sapped by Spy, teleported someone from the enemy team. "This teleporter isn't supposed to work! It was sapped! It isn't possible for any enemy to pass!"
He was right...
No enemy passed.
Twilight Sparkle Point of Vision
A flash, just like expected when teleporting, but it was FAR too long. It was soon accompanied with ringing, like a grenade just exploded, which shouldn't be! When the ringing stopped, she opened her eyes. She was shocked, by what she had seen.
Humans, as in the creatures of myths, extremely dangerous! They were on tier 0 in the... bestiary? Why are those humans wearing clothing? Aren't they supposed to be stupid? If she gets out of this alive, nopony will believe what she had seen. There were three humans, holding strange things. They were all dressed! The most farthest away one was dressed in a blue suit, and a baclava on his head. Another one, was wearing a cap, blue shirt, and black pants to knees. The last one, had a hat on his head, big glasses on his nose, a blue shirt, brown west and long, brown pants.
"Oh crap..." was all she managed to say, before blacking out.
Chapter 1: Problem
Third Person Point of Vision
"Ugh..." was the sound of Twilight Sparkle waking. She opened, and immedeately closed her eyes. She tried again, slowly opening them, and she looked arounds, she was in a white room, with two windows on a wall, a cabinet between them a door on other wall, opposite to the windows double doors, and under the wall she way lying were 8 hospital beds.
"Where am I" She asked no one, she stood up and walked around. She used magic to open the single door, and and she looked around the room she found herself in. It was the size of her room. It was filled with amny kinds of antibiotics, syringes and bandages. It was a storage room for all hospital supplies.
"I won't find anything here..." she said, walking out of the room, she opened the cabinet and what she seen shocked her. It was filled with *chocolate! There were many jars of it! She walked to the pair of doors, and opened them slightly, taking a peak at what was inside.
»»»Meeting Room«««
"What do you mean 'a pony'?!" Asked an old woman (in her 50's) a man, slightly younger than her in a white coat and wearing blue rubber gloves.
"Yes! A pony! And a magical one!" Replied the man, in a German accent.
"Then I expect you nine to get information from her, and report to me after three days at seven PM. Do you understand?."
"Yes ma'am!" All BLUs shouted, some less enthusiastic than others (coughDemomanSpyandScoutcough)
»»»Outside the Meeting Room«««
Twilight walked through the halls, when she heard someone talk, she spotted a pretty big door, she came closer, and hid behind a wall, when she heard hoof-steps. The humans were coming!
So she did what a panicked pony would do,
she screamed.
1* - Yes, this is a reference to a certain TF2 fanfic!
*Chapter 2: Introductions* Rewritten!
»»»2 minutes ago, BLUs POV«««
"Oh I hate tha witch!" Said a black, Scottish cyclop, the Demoman, he wore a black bandana, eyepatch over his left eye, a white blouse, and a black vest. He also had blue pants to knees.
"We go on dinner now?" asked a bald, big man in a Russian accent, the Heavy. "Because I am cooking toni-"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
"SHIT!, MY EARS!" shouted the Scout, he turned around the corner, from where the sound came and he froze. Literally. Twilight Sparkle frozen him...
"Good. Leetle pony frozen Scout! Heavy already likes you!" Said the Russian to the purple Alicorn while laughing.
" 'Eavy! You're scaring her! Let me show ya' how to do it!" Said a man with a Southern accent, he wore a hard hat, and goggles, he was the Engineer.
"Hey there little pony! Ma' friends call me Engie, what's your name?"
Silence.
"Can you talk?" he asked uncertain.
Silence.
"Lemme show ya how it's done, lad!" Shouted the Demolitions expert;
further scaring the not so tall princess, she wasn't short, like other ponies, she was almost as high as Cadence, her ex-foalsitter and a fellow princess, she ruled the recently saved Crystal Empire.
"Bloody wankers, move 'side." Snapped their sniper as he pushed through the crowd of men (one of which was already dead).
"Look, horsey, we will get information out of you, one way or 'nother!" Threatened the australian in his... australian accent.
POV OF YOU KNOW WHO
'HE IS THREATENING MEEEE!' thought Twilight.
she went in "Maniac Brainiac" mode, as Rainbow Dash liked to make fun out of her panic. She cast a spell as complicated as she could and closed her eyes.
BANG! WOOOOSH! BZZZZZT! Boom.
"Huh" said a voice, an unfamiliar one, he sounded as if ... if Twilight had to guess, if you put Celestia in an armor and someone changed her gender.
"Praise the Sun!" He shouted happily.
*Chapter 3: 11 Phantom Guys* FULL REWRITE!
ENOUGH OF THIS POV CRAP! EVERYONE IS THIRD PERSON NOW! YES! WITH THOUGHTS!
'Ah, at last! A new land, maybe I can find My Sun here!' Solaire thought enthusiastically.
"Who the hell are ye' knighty?" Demoman asked, lenghtening the knighty, so it would sound mockingly.
"My, my! Such brave souls! Who are you, men?" He said, walking to them in his shining armor, accidentally kicking the pony...
So she cast the same spell in defense.
BANG! WOOOOSH! BZZZZZT! Boom.
"She's summoning someone again?" asked Scout, back from the dead. Suddenly, he caught his stomach, he felt sick. The others did too.
"No... She's... Teleporting us all!" Shouted the Spy.
In an alternate set of dimensions.
Twilight Sparkle has invaded your world.
'huh? Interesting. A brony?' thought the Chosen Undead, he wore the set of a Giant, except for a Mask of the Father. He was in the Kiln of The First Flame, fighting some of Gwyn's knights, they weren't posing a real challenge.
He was readying for the fight with Gwyn, which really wasn't a bossfight, this wasn't supposed to be hard, and won't be. The sad thing is that The Lord of Cinder is easy to parry, which is pathetic, and has a small amount of health, he grew old and fragile because of the prelonged keeping of all the flames across Lordran.
Chosen was supposed to either link the fires, or extinguish them all, so humanity could reign in the Age of Dark, with no Gods.
Heavy has invaded your world.
'huh? A TF2 fan invaded me, too? In such a short time these messages appeared.'
Then his vision was spammed
Scout has invaded your world. 'what'
Medic has invaded your world. 'the'
Soldier has invaded your world. 'fuck'
Demoman has invaded your world. "What"
Sniper has invaded your world. "the"
Pyro has invaded your world. "fuck"
Engineer has invaded your world. "WHAT"
Spy has invaded your world. "THE"
Solaire has invaded your world. "FUUUUUCK!"
"Did eleven people just invade my world?! Did Solaire invade my world!?" Shouted Chosen, panicking, he wasn't afraid a fight versus two Darkwraiths, but he WAS afraid of eleven Darkwraiths, which were cheaters!
"Wait! Solaire?! Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not even wearing Laturec's armor! Is it because of the ring? Oh fuck." He exclaimed, and thanks to all this shouting, attracted three knights.
Which were a kill with skill. Backstab one, parry the other and hack n' slash at the third.
Did I say that he has a Chaos Zweihander? Dayum.
"Let's hope they are good players."
"Because the daddy's here to wreck them."
Chapter 4: Boss Fight? More like the Domination!
You should listen to Nameless song.
"Show yourselves, cheating no-good cosplayers!
when you fight me, no blessings will help you and prayers!"
He... rhymed? Why? Thanks to him the music doesn't match anymore! That Faggot's...
Wait? Blessings? Are they real actual cheaters with blessing? Maggots.
Did I just rhyme right now? Ugh...
"Look at my rhyme,
when I get you good this time!"
Another Gwyndamned rhyme!
Don't waste my time,
are you even listening, minion of mine?
Too bad you're not a mime.
But if rhyming you will keep, in Hell you will dine.
Whoa that chain of... rhyme in the color of lime.
Ten groans were heard. Solaire didn't groan, he was used to Sunbroing.
He looked around in awe.
"Kiln of The First Flame! Oh my! Never thought I'd come here!" he exclaimed enthusiastically, and he heard several LOUD groans.
"I feel like the time I got drunk wit' mah bro's on my eighteen birthday!" shouted Scout, unenthusiastically.
They all wore different clothing, they were glowing a deep red, the pony Princess glowed a deep blue, Solaire was glowing a Deep Red that had some gold there and there. They got special weapons, Twilight got a special wariant of the Scythe of the Life Slayer. It's blade glowed a light purple, she also had a glove fit for he hoof, using which she could cast pyromancy spells, Pyro had it too. And the most shocking thing was that their hats weren't...
Oh my! They didn't have their unusual effects! Poor Soldier, working so hard on the Flaming Team Captain, the rarest hat ever. Of all time.
"I don't know why, but I have the urge to kill someone clad in some heavy armor." said Medic, while most of them nodded and the rest were confused.
"Where are we, gentlemen?" asked the Spy, as he got up. He was clad in a Gold-Hemmed Black set, holding a parrying dagger in his right hand.
"Stop right there, hacking scum!" shouted some weirdo in some weird armor with a giantic sword.
Scout, stop narrating the story, your lack of vocabulary is... worrying. Also that reference is overused. We should go for the classic 'why are we here?'
Fine fine, I'll go back to being IGNORED in the story! Dick!
"Wood ya lookie ther! Another shayning knight!" slurred Demoman.
"Oh... my!" shouted Solaire, worried.
"Hmm? What'cha worried 'bout there, Sunny?" asked Engineer.
"Just look at him, a Grass Crest shield, a Chaos Zweihander, I can see scrolls for Black Flame-- two even! And he looks quite tough, he'll be a fair opponent! And a... Mask of the Father? I knew something wasn't right, that's a Giantdad!"
"You better run, scrubs!" shouted the being.
"You maggot! You're the one who should run! You WILL learn to fear THE BLU TEAM!" shouted the Soldier.
Let's just call him Giantdad for now.
He dashed over to Heavy, kicking him straight in the stomach, and slashed at him with with his Zweihander, the Medic quickly healing healing the Heavy with his new talisman, Heavy slammed into Giantdad with a Grant,
or he was about to, but his enemy blocked with his grass crest shield.
Spy sneaked up on him, about to stab him, but he rolled away, the Spy was turning invisible, but he was set ablaze with a quick Black Flame spell.
"Ammph unimmphvermpphsal mmphway ommphf detemphhinh Smphhies!"
The Demoman charged at him, slashed with his own, normal Zweihander, but was parried and slashed two times across the stomach, he was healed by the Medic who was finished with the Spy.
"STOP!!" suddenly, someone shouted. It was Twilight.
"Hmm... Nah!" shouted the Sniper, actually hitting Giantdad with his Falchion, a boss health appeared, at about 90% health.
"What are you, a casual?" he asked, as he parried the second strike and cut clean in the shoulder, the Medic already behind him, healing him.
'He is the source of this chaos, maybe I should eliminate him? And he kind of... makes me want to hurt him, maybe a shot or two at him won't hurt?' Twilight though as she sneaked up behind him, she stabbed him in the back, and as he was getting up, slashed him across the mask, he fell over, dropping his weapon too far, and disappeared in a shower of light, but before he did, he whispered one last thing;
"The Legend Never Dies, the real Legend will find you..."
'I actually hurt a living being! How could I?!' she thought as they were disappearing in a shower of light.
'I... actually liked the thrill of fight...'
Chapter 5: Started off The Wrong H(oof/and)
Pew!
"Aww, me heads pounden'!" shouted the Demo, as he clutched his head, accidentally hitting himself with...
...the hilt of the Zweihander!
"What in the..."
"Boyos! We got a new DELIVERY of weeps!" he shouted, waking everyone up, including Twilight.
Engineer instantly rushed over to her, taking of his goggles, and covered her mouth.
"We. Do. Not. Want. To. Hurt. You!"
She nodded, as he lifted his robotic hand.
"That was quite an invasion, but pray tell, sirs, where may I be?" asked Solaire, as he stood up.
"Oh, King Arthur's still here!" yelled Scout as he pointed at him, instantly regretting the shout as he grabbed his head in pain.
"Who are you all people?" Twilight asked herself, as she looked to the humans which were supposed to be dangerous, who instead were bickering like children.
"I am not this King Arthur, I am Solaire of -" started Solaire but was cut off.
"Yeah yeah, where did you come from, anyways?" asked Scout, pointing at him.
"I was summoned by someone, do you maybe know who it was?" he asked them.
"Ah think ah know who it could possibly be." said the Engineer, looking in Twilight's direction, whose ears perked up.
"Gentleme-" started Spy, but was cut off by an explosion.
"Surrender now, BLU maggots and you will no be ha--"
Started a RED Soldier who burst through a wall with his rocket launcher, but was cut off by his own surprise.
"Did you sick maggots just paint a HORSE?" he asked, a little surprised, but more like confused, because how could the BLUs, of all people, be stranger than him?
"MAGGOT! What are you doing on BLU property!" shouted the BLU Soldier, as he got in RED Soldier's face, or rather, his helmet.
"THIS is the RED base, bleeder!" shouted the enemy Soldier back.
"I also asked why did you PAINT a HORSE!" he added.
'What ze fuck is go--" started a RED Spy, who walked in the room, but he stopped, his cigarette falling out of his wide open mouth at the sight of a magical purple unicorn pony, every single BLU from Granary, and a BLU Soldier and one of his own Soldiers barking at eachother.
"I-- uh, left ze laundry, gentlemen." said the Spy as he fled.
"Please, everyone be quiet!" talked over the Solaire, he didn't even have to shout. It worked immediately, he had everyone's attention.
"Let's introduce ourselves, shall we? Without cutting someone off." he said, as he dusted himself off.
"I, am Solaire of Astora, I am the leader of the Knights of Sunlight." he said, as he pointed to Twilight.
"And who might you be?" he asked her.
"Uh... well I am Princess Twilight Sparkle--" she began, but as always, cut off by Scout.
"Pfft, hahahaha! A Princess flying purple unicorn!" he laughed, but cut himself off as he was stared at by everyone.
Solaire's stare is terryfing.
"U-ugh, n-ni-nice to meet ya', Sparks, uh... I'm one of the BLU Scouts." he stuttered.
"I am one of the BLU Heavy Weapons Guys, and this is not my weapon." he said as he pointed to the Grant.
"Heavy, you have your veapon on your back, i ztill cannot undeztand hov can you vield such a beast on you back.
Ahem, I am ze BLU Medic, the one and only, becauze no one vants to be ze Medic, hmph." he huffed.
"HAH! WE got a new Medic! I, pony, am THE RED SOLDIER! ALSO the one and ONLY!" he shouted.
"Yez, you got your firzt Medic." the BLU Medic replied.
They introduced eachother, stopping at the BLU Pyro.
"Hmmphuys, shmmphould mmmphwe mmmhpove mmmphout? Immmph almmmphso thmmmphe BmmphLU Pymmmhpro." he said, Twilight understanding most of his sentence.
"What now, weird be'ins?" asked them the BLU Engineer.
"Well, I myself should get back home, to Lordran, but I fear I can not go back" said Solaire, not really sad about it. But he still missed home.
"I can help you with that, I could try to find our worlds, but it would take some time, if only we could find some place to stay." answered Twilight.
"Dibs on the pony princess!" shouted the BLU Soldier in RED Soldier's face, who also shouted,
"AND I have dibs on the Knight!"
Back to bickering, every BLU shouting over the one RED, as Twilight and Solaire stood away from the group, looking at eachother.
"So... can you help me?" he asked, a little hopeful.
"I can try, but it will take a lot time, to find two worlds, the soonest we could do is in about a year if I didn't sleep, eat and other functions."
"Well, it will take about six years?" asked Solaire.
"Why? I should be done in about three." asked Twilight surprised.
"That's cuz' we'll make sure you have fun while you're here!" shouted the BLU Scout, as he broke from the group, which was coming close to a riot, already punching eachother, Scout grinning and mischief in his eyes.
'It will be a long, but fun stay, I can see.' Twilight thought.
Chapter 6: Listen Well, Boys, Because It's Beggining to Look Like Dustbowl.
After Solaire, Twilight and the BLUs bid farewell to the grinning RED Soldier, they moved out to their own base, RED Soldier having forgot that he got 'dibs' on Solaire, they had agreed to talk about their worlds, Solaire going first with his world.
"But before I start the retelling of my world's great story, I must warn you, for it is terrifying and bloody." said Solaire as Twilight's eyes widened, and the BLUs shrugged it off.
"Let me tell you the story of a pilgrim from the asylum
Carried aloft
By a friend to our lady of sin
Where to begin"
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Listen well, boys
There are two bells to ring
The parish above
The blighted bog found deep below
And their guardians
Still thirst for your cursed blood
Drop your sign
For the brothers in need to find
He will walk through the fog
As he welcomes death
He will pillage these bodies
He will feed to the fire
These shards of a soul
A magnificent father
In a desperate attempt
To stave off the end of his age
He runs himself hollow
And burns all his knights alive
A shell of his former self
They lock him away
Far beneath this crumbling shrine
A radiant sun
Forged by the feeble hands of a child
Not fit for his throne
A clever deceit
To make everyone believe
The lords haven't left them behind
Like a moth
Flittering towards a flame
Vereor nox
He will march through the dark
Like the hero before him
He has died many times
He's replete with humanity
◄♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦☼♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦►
"If only I could be so grossly incadescent." he said, as he finished his song, sitting down with a sigh.
"That's quite a musical there, Solaire, I see your world is too, full of musical magic?" asked Twilight.
"I do not focus on magic, Lady Twilight, I am a man of faith, Iove miracles."
"I guess we're up next, yeah?" said the Scout.
"Young boy, you better not sing a meaningless song just to sing." warned him Spy as he started singing.
"It is beginning to look alot like dustbowl,"
"Sentries everywhere."
◄♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦☼♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦►
"We are trapped inside our spawn,
We have uber so move on,
There are lots of snipers so beware."
It's beginning to look alot like dustbowl,
Stickies on the floor;
They explode without a doubt,
Flying gibblets all about,
And we've lost for sure.
Our heavies are burning
And points we're not earning,
While rockets shoot through the zone.
Syringes are flying
And scouts they are dying,
And Kukris cut through the bone.
The countdown clock is running out
And we are getting owned.
It's beginning to look alot like dustbowl,
Soon this match will end;
Can't hope for overtime,
This beating should be a crime,
Our turn to defend.
◄♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦☼♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦►
"Nice one, spook, mine's less sappy." said the Scout as he started to sing.