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Cultural Artifacts

by Dan_s Comments

Chapter 17: 17) Oh What a Tangled Web

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Dan's Comments

Cultural Artifacts - Oh What a Tangled Web

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Day 27

Pinkie stood in the Big Guy's house and looked up at all the books, and considered what they were all about. Her eyes fell on one, very large book. Plain leather cover, gold letters she couldn't read were embossed on the spine. It was thinner than some of the other books, but it was taller and wider than any of the others. But all the different colors and styles of bookmarks drew her attention. It's like party streamers, she thought and slid the ladder over to go up and collect it, A book like that shouldn't be high up on a shelf where nopony can see it, she thought as she carried it down and set it on the coffee table. She opened it in the middle of one of the more heavily bookmarked sections. Then she stopped, and stared.

"What are they doing?" she wondered at the lavish illustrations, and the photographs. There weren't a lot of words, and even she could make out the words were mostly telling a reader which pictures went together. She paged through the book, slowly. It's an . . . instruction manual? she wondered, and didn't know whether to laugh or cry, Wouldn't they already know how to do this? Most ponies know automatically. We may be awkward about it, but if we didn't know, no foals.

Then it hit her. It's an advanced instruction manual, when a husband and wife, or just a pair of special someponies wants to go beyond instinct.

"Oh . . . my."

Pinkie whirled and found Derpy and the filly Celestia had been looking over her shoulder for some time while she'd paged through the book.

She closed it behind her back while smiling at the blushing Derpy, and the apparently-too-young-to-be-seeing-those-kind-of-pictures-even-of-aliens Celestia. She returned the book hurriedly to its original place, dropped off the invitations, and ran from the house.


"I'm just wondering if it's okay if I hold you down against your will for a little bit?" he heard whispered quietly into his ear. Said ear received a lick normally reserved for a melting ice cream cone.

"I'm awake," he shouted as he sat bolt upright in bed. He looked around at the grinning ponies, especially Lyra's friend Bonbon handing Lyra a few bits. "What's so all fired important?" he demanded.

"You were going to sleep through dinner, and neither Lyra, nor Trixie could wake you up," Celly admitted, "Besides you smelled so good, I thought . . . "

"Great, I'm dealing with a thousand-year-old equine Lolita. Am I robbing the cradle, or are you robbing the grave?" he asked grumpily, "There's got to be another reason, I've missed meals before, it isn't fatal."

"You not waking up when someone shouted at you would be a good reason," Celly said, and pouted cutely, blinking her puppy-dog eyes. "We were worried about you."

"Let me guess, the restaurant won't serve you unless I'm with you," He said.

"That's a very cynical attitude," Celly sounded deeply disappointed.

"Fine, let me get a shower, and I should strip the bed and let it air while we're out," he said as he stood and made his way to the edge of the bed. He paused before he put his feet on the floor. I'm forgetting something, he considered, then spotted his undershirt across the room. He was still wearing his briefs. He stared at Celly, who tried to look even more cutely soulful. Good grief, he thought.

Fortunately, Woona just rolled her eyes at her sister's antics.

Do I mention the trick Discord did with Luna, Celesta and Trixie? No, keep that to myself, he thought as he collected a change of underwear, The last thing I need is an adult, human female acting as coquettish as Celly is.

He closed the door in the faces of the following ponies and cleaned off the dirt, sweat and grime of the past few days. When he'd finished, he stood before the mirror over the sink. He stared at the salt-and-pepper hair and beard. And they wonder why I think I'm dead. I was last in this good shape in my late thirties. An old fart like me should be wondering about 'did I take my pills' not fighting a running battle for eleven miles. He shook the thought away and started shaving. He noted the pony faces outside the bathroom window. The blinds blocked off nearly the entire view, and there was some scuffling at the few places where they could peer inside.

Too late, he thought as he opened the door, and saw the entire contingent waiting outside that door. He glanced back at the window. Duh, they can teleport, he reminded himself.

"Won't hunting in this area bother some of the locals?" he asked the Apples.

"As I understand it, they serve a critter nopony will miss," Johnny said.

"Hmm, Jonathan Swift lives, applied to government bureaucrats no doubt," he said.

The ponies stared at him in confusion.

"Very dark joke," he explained.


"Dear Princess Celestia," Pinkie dictated to Spike in the library, "It has come to my attention that our mutual friend is in dire need of a book."

"Pinkie," Spike said, "Twilight will be back in a half-an-hour, I'm sure she could get the book for you. Or I could look it up."

Pinkie briefly considered. Twilight and books had been synonymous in her mind. But with what she was requesting, that assumption died a messy and hopeless death on the shores of logic. The idea of telling Spike or worse Twilight that the library was actually missing a book would have been a disaster. Especially that book, she considered.

"No Spike," Pinkie said, "Better to keep her out of it." She considered briefly. "I don't want her to spoil the surprise."

"How is she gonna tell him about a book anyway?" Spike asked suspiciously.

Pinkie only grinned. "Anyway. The copy I have, is Canterlot registry 456-3214006, and the owners are quite happy with it. But the book I need is a more lavishly illustrated version, pictures, diagrams, etc. I also require an equally well-illustrated and diagramed book that could serve as a basic instruction manual. New paragraph."

"Also, I will be including stickers of Derpy and Lyra who seem eager to work with this new, uh, line of enquiry." She grinned at that avoidance of the obvious. "And I wondered if Princess Luna would care to include a sticker to accent her interest in pursuing these studies."

"Signed, Pinkie Pie."

Spike finished writing and dispatched the letter. Only then did Pinkie relax.

"You're awfully tense about an instruction manual," Spike observed.

"I realized he had instruction manuals. And if we provided one from our side, everyone would be happier!" Pinkie said.

"Okay Pinkie," Spike said as he stared at her, "You didn't eat some funny cupcakes, did you?"

"Nope, just thinking about how to help my friend. Bye Spike!" Pinkie left hurriedly.


This is like watching a tennis game, Blueblood thought as Princess Celestia and Blueblood's mother volleyed thinly disguised insults, Time to throw some poo into the volleying.

"Certainly our regiment, under our family's command was at least as important as the rather trivial discretion about the newcomers," his mother said, and smiled pleasantly at their ruler.

Princess Celestia remained unperturbed as she sipped her tea. She considered the comment carefully, as she prepared to deliver her devastating rejoinder.

"Would inviting them to the Grand Galloping Gala without having them at a proper Canterlot party be a good idea?" Blueblood asked, "Especially considering what happened last time the Big Guy was at an upper crust party." He chuckled nervously, then fell silent as his mother rolled her eyes. He shifted his apparent attention to the untouched tea in front of him.

"What a wonderful idea," Celestia said happily. "Aren't you having your regimental dinner in a few days? I'm certain that it will be a wonderful event to welcome our new friends."

I could slap her with a dead fish and not get that expression, he thought as his mother dealt with getting such an honor, a much greater one than she'd been fishing for and definitely not the one she'd been building her case for.

The venomous glare he received meant he'd be getting the cold shoulder from the entire family for the next weeks. Something he was eternally grateful for. "Sorry," he offered to her, to no avail, her glare intensified.

"I'm certain you can arrange something," Celestia said happily, staring triumphantly at the smaller mare.

"As your Highness wishes," she ground out, and glared at her son again.

"How are they going to read the invitation?" he asked morosely, "We don't know if they read Equestrian, or whatever his language is."

Princess Celestia then considered deeply. "I'm sure someone will translate for them. If you'll excuse me," she said and walked out.

He grinned at his mother.

"You simpering idiot, now we have to honor those interlopers," she said, "If you'd just stayed silent, we wouldn't have to even acknowledge their existence."

"I didn't realize," he offered.

"You never think. Leave the thinking to us who've been doing it for years," she hissed at him.

How much closer have you gotten? he wanted to ask, You do realize that in this case, second place is just the first loser.

He whimpered slightly and bowed his head, until she swept from the room in a flying sneer.

He sat at the table. Only Celestia's tea had been sampled and she hadn't even commented on it. He sniffled a bit as he looked at the remains of what in other circumstances would have been a very pleasant tea party. One of the servants approached, setting a cup of cocoa in front of him, and clearing away the tea. Before it gets cold, at least someone will enjoy it, he thought and sipped the cocoa. It was perfect, as it always was.

"Claret, isn't it?" he asked the maid. He always got the names right, but always acted as if it were a lucky guess.

"Yes, your Highness," she said tolerantly, and gave a proper bow.

"There's a letter to Starlit Circlet, see to it that it is discretely delivered," he said, turning on his considerable charm.

The maid gobbled a bit, but picked up the letter and headed out. The tea momentarily forgotten. Blueblood grunted, and then moved it himself to the small kitchenette, leaving it for the other servants. To clean up after they'd drunk the exquisite tea.


Princess Celestia received the letter and unfurled it with expectation and a certain amount of joy. At times I envy Twilight, and her friends, she glanced around the throne room at the ponies, none of who would ever be her friends, for fear or because they were too wrapped up in their own agendas.

She read through Pinkie's missive, and briefly considered sending the books, when she got them, with extra copies, directly to Twilight. She snorted, most unladylike, at the thought of her student devouring those books as she devoured any other book Celestia had even suggested she read.

No, I can't do that to poor Twilight, she thought as she scanned the available courtiers to give the task to. Her eyes fell on Cheery Rose, and the young mare visibly perked up.

No, I can't do that to her, Celestia thought, then her eyes fell on Cunning Ruler, a stallion about town. Or so he thinks, let's see.

"Ruler, a friend is looking for a book, a more well illustrated version of Canterlot registry 456-3214006, and an equally well illustrated but more basic instruction manual on the same subject. I'm sure you'll find what is needed."

The stallion with the wooden ruler cutie mark took down the number with a bored expression, knowing mere book finding was beneath him.

"Highness," Cheery Rose said, enthusiasm overcoming her normal shrinking violet demeanor, "I studied library theory and I'm sure I can do the job!"

"Of course you can," Celestia said happily, "But I like handing out challenges. Ruler probably spent less time in libraries that you, so it'll be more fun."

Neither of the courtiers believed that.

I never said it would be fun for him, Celestia thought.

"Now, it's for a friend in need of help, so I expect they will be the very best you can find," she called out.

"Have I ever failed?" the cocky stallion said.

"No," she admitted, "I just wanted you to be extra thorough. It's for a dear friend after all."

He bowed as he left. Celestia's smile for the rest of the day was unforced.


Woona noted that Lyra and Bonbon had peeled off to return to a different house. She'd also noted the faint glow of the lone apple tree that marked where the alien property had landed. The Big Guy picked up something off the top of the brick structure that housed the mailbox. Some of the natives gasped on seeing the door, painted with a message. I recognize the letters, but the words are gibberish, she thought as the mares grimaced at the words painted on the door. He's ignoring it, she thought as he unlocked the door and led them in.

He remained outside for a moment before closing and locking the door behind them. He kept a wary smile as he led them to and through the real front door. The Apples stayed with the floor of the living room, although he'd collected a mattress and some bedding from the guest room. No one peeled off at the guest room and he continued towards the bedroom. Woona and Celly raced ahead to make the bed using their powers. He dropped off the hoof-sized object in the office before returning to bed.

Woona watched him wave the griffon towards the bed. But the griffon shook her head and smiled as she rubbed a cheek on the carpet.

I enjoy this surface, Woona considered as the little unicorn made sure she and Celly clustered around his feet to keep them warm. Kid's sense of duty exceeds most guardspony's.

There was some small scuffling, but eventually all of them settled. Woona didn't sleep. I've slept a thousand years, staying up late one night won't kill be, she thought as she watched and with half-a-third-eye, watched the dreams.

Trixie's dream was simple, she would go perform, amaze the crowds, and return to this idyllic existence. Woona nearly snorted at that. She can have her dreams, she thought.

Derpy's dream was hard to distinguish from their current existence, save that he was fluent, even eloquent in Equestrian, still loved her for her simplicity and directness, and the two of them raised Dinky and several other foals. How the foals arrived was also handled. If Celly wants him all to herself, she may have a fight on her hands. The simple mailmare may have figured out a trick or two that would triumph a goddess, Woona thought.

She glanced into her sister's dream just long enough to confirm what she feared. The Wild Hunt, again. I wonder, she thought as she extended her perceptions to Canterlot, She felt the mental defenses, but could hear the same rumblings. So, she too. Why hasn't her Luna done something? Well genius, what are you going to do for your own sister? Woona accused. Then she considered Discord, While I'm loathe to include him, he does seem taken with her. And perhaps a rescue is in order. Let him ride the pale horse against the Wild Hunt. Satisfied, and exhausted, she let slumber take her.


Eyes looked through the window for a moment. Hungry eyes, and were gone. But other eyes had watched them.


Day 28

Celly hadn't expected to be confronted when she woke in the middle of the night. Derpy looked her straight in the eye, as the illumination from Trixie's horn cast a soft light over all of them, but not enough to wake their host. Then she butted Celly with her head. From the other side, Dinky batted Celly's flank with her horn. When Celly moved from where the mother and daughter had prodded, the other one would prod her to reverse the change. As her temper shortened, they stopped and Derpy stared at the filly Diarch. She gestured at the Big Guy and shook her head, her expression one of motherly disappointment. Then she gestured to Dinky, who was patting a spot on the bed and looking delighted. Derpy got flank to flank with Celly, draped a wing over her and gently moved sideways. Celly knee-walked to the spot and Derpy 'released' her.

All right, it isn't strictly a dominance game, Celly realized, It's the Alpha mare teaching the newcomer how not to anger the stallion. But she just led the first successful 'revolt' against me in history, Celly thought with a grin as she looked at all the other mares, including Woona and Sveti, supporting Derpy's action.

Derpy had directed Dinky back to the Big Guy's feet, where Woona draped a wing over the filly as they snuggled together. Celly realized that Derpy did not want Dinky to 'hear' the rest of the lesson. The mare flipped up her tail, and glanced from Celly to the Big Guy with a raised eyebrow.

Celly's blush should have illuminated the room. She nodded, then stared at Derpy, and flipped up her own tail.

Derpy bowed her head slightly and nodded. She got on all fours and nodded towards him, then balanced on two legs while holding the bed post and tapped her chest.

She's as smitten as I am, but she wants him as a stallion, or herself as a mare of his species. Wait a moment. If she's carrying a fertilized ovum, then the species of the offspring will change with that of the mother during her shapechange. It would be dangerous with a full term pregnancy, but not soon after impregnation. That's actually fairly clever.

Derpy broke Celly out of her revery and pointed a hoof back to the Big Guy and the spot where she'd vacated. His arms moved slightly, as if trying to collect the body normally there. Celly blushed, but accepted the little push and the 'gift' of one of the favored places. She put her back to his chest and gasped slightly as his arms closed around her in his sleep. Celly glanced up and looked at the smirk on Trixie's face, watching the newcomer get used to the nocturnal habits. Trixie and Derpy settled back to return to sleep, but Celly felt the contact and the almost nuzzling as he rested himself against her.

If I feel good, why am I crying? Celly wondered as she felt the ponies around her, So I am not the untouchable one anymore. She stifled a sniffle and let her tears of joy fall.


Woona watched the 'Wild Hunt' in Celestia's nightmares. It's a good word for it, she thought of literally thousands of tightly packed horses led by dozens of Nightmare Moons chasing Celestia and a handful of ponies. I wonder if being part of the pursued with Celestia indicates her affection for those ponies.

Woona watched the winding terrain that the group looped through. Okay, I need to talk to Discord and the Big Guy, there has to be a way of dealing with this. I doubt my counterpart could do anything, not against such a terror. She looked at the intermittent clouds, and the dark starless skies above the open sky. Something needs to be done. Question is, will it inflame or reduce Celestia's wariness? Only one way to find out.

Woona made her way back through dreams to her resting place.


Derpy was nervous about breakfast. "Now Dinky, don't mention the door in school. Maybe it was a prank."

"I think it was Diamond Tiara," her foal insisted quietly, "She hates Applebloom, and with an apple tree on the grounds, that's a way to get Applebloom and the Crusaders in trouble."

Derpy wanted to deny it, but she'd watched the two 'queen bees' bully all the blank flanks at the school. Except Dinky, Derpy remembered having seen to that with Diamond's father.

"Unless you saw her, don't spread rumors," Derpy said. She pulled herself up to the counter to watch him cooking breakfast. Derpy noted that the Apples were up early, but the two princesses had slept in.

Not that I blame them, Derpy thought, After yesterday, I wouldn't blame them if they stayed asleep for a week.

The mushrooms, peppers, onions and shredded potatoes seemed more using the eggs as a binder, than making it an omelet. The Big Guy swatted Johnny Cake's hoof away as she approached with one of the jars out of the spice rack. He growled at her, and the Apple retreated, then he winked at Dinky who was also shying away. She giggled, telling Johnny it was just play. He served out some to Dinky and Derpy, then motioned Johnny over to let her season the remainder to her liking. He took the plates to the dining room table, Trixie, Derpy and Dinky following.

"Have you told him you're leaving?" Dinky asked.

Trixie's stricken look at her daughter's question told her that she hadn't. "Later," she admitted, "When I know what's my itinerary. I sent out a few feelers."

"You'll be getting your answers tomorrow, if they replied the day they got the letters," Derpy said.

"You memorized the time it takes mail to go from city to city?" Trixie asked.

"I have to know," Derpy replied, "People ask."

Trixie shook her mane out and enjoyed the breakfast. The plates that the Apples brought in smelled like they'd've set wooden implements on fire.

"I'm glad he didn't let you season all of it that way," Trixie said, "I prefer keeping my fire-breathing as a trick."

The Apples just stared at them and shrugged. They evidently recognized and reacted to the tone.

The Big Guy asked the Apples a question, which had the Apples stammering and looking around nervously. He looked at the others, wearing a huge grin, and waving his hand wildly over his head.

"I guess he asked if they were going to see Pinkie and the Cakes," Trixie said.

Derpy nodded. Dinky pushed back from the table and raced to pick up her school bag and her lunch and dashed out. A moment later she dashed back in, Derpy leaned down to nuzzle her foal.

"I love you," the foal said and raced back towards the door.

"I love you," Derpy called after her and sighed. "I'd better hurry and get to the post office." She rushed to the door, picking up her uniform and mailbag.

As she went through the door, she noticed the paint was again missing. She smiled at the thought of the Ponyvillians trying so hard to deal with one troublemaker. We need to deal with whomever it was.


Trixie watched him carefully clear the table and put the dishes in the dish cleaning machine. He's slower, more tired, she thought as he moved to collect a very strange collection of items. The portable cinema machine and a hoof-sized device she had no idea what it did. There were also a sheaf of papers and a bag of bits. He nodded for her to follow, leaving the alicorn fillies to sleep.

Trixie noted again that the paint had been removed overnight and he seemed to take no notice of the change.

It was early, but he obviously had a destination in mind. Trixie followed, wondering what could possibly have him so animated when she wanted to return home and join the alicorns in a few more hours of blissful slumber.

Quills and Sofas reared up in front of them and it seemed to be the Big Guy's destination. The clerk was just opening up, and seemed a bit nonplused by 'the Ponyville Monster' heading straight for him. He froze, which let Trixie and the Big Guy get into the store before he panicked and ran away. After a few moments of the frozen clerk standing in the doorway, the Big Guy grabbed the clerk's ears and steered him behind the counter. The Big Guy removed a sheet of paper with a picture of three fillies jumping up and down on a couch. Below were a broken couch circled in red with a red slash through it. Beside it was a couch still intact, bit a drawing of bits beneath it.

"You want one of our more durable models I take it," the clerk said.

"He understands very little Equestrian, so I'd show him the most durable models," Trixie explained.

Is he expecting Celestia and Luna to jump on the furniture? Trixie wondered, Even Dinky seems unlikely to do that.

There were three models that had 'filly-proof' tags. Bits were exchanged and the delivery would be at noon. The Big Guy nodded and proceeded to his next destination. Rich's Barnyard Bargains seemed an unusual place to head to considering that the house seemed to have ample supplies for the moment. Rather than head to the shopping area, the Big Guy headed towards the manager's small office and knocked on the door.

Filthy Rich himself answered the door, and seemed shocked to see the Big Guy waiting for him. The stallion was obviously cowed by the 'monster'. The Big Guy gestured that they should return to the office.

"Going to place a big order, and want to squeeze out a special discount," Rich said, "A hard bargainer, going right to the top. I can respect that."

The Big Guy had connected the white, hoof-sized object to the cinema machine with a cable, and quickly had an image of Mister Rich on the screen.

"Well, it's impressive, but I think that's a little beyond what I can sell in my store," the stallion said, "But if the price is low enough I'm sure -"

Pictures of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, outside the Big Guy's door, painting the 'Monster go home' message were given to Rich as the same images appeared on the screen. They were one set of several copies that the Big Guy had in the folder he'd brought out of his pack.

"I don't understand," Rich said as he looked at the grainy black and white photos. They weren't very good, but the tiara and the girls' faces did show up pretty clearly in a couple of the dozen or so prints.

"He's telling you that he knows who has been vandalizing his door, and that he expects you to put a stop to it," Trixie said, "It's also a clear warning that any further action can be caught on camera."

The Big Guy was packing away the white device that was the camera, and the movie player. He seemed to have decided that delivering the message concluded their business.

"I'm sure she's just going through a phase," Rich said, and blocked the door, "Certainly this doesn't have to go any further."

Unfortunately for him, the door opened outward. The Big Guy stepped over him and continued to the exit.

"Trixie suggests you talk to your daughter immediately," the showmare said. She used her horn to set the stallion outside his office, then cantered to catch up with the Big Guy. Once outside the emporium, the Big Guy headed straight for city hall.

"Trixie thinks you're taking this far too personally," she told him as he marched towards his destination. "Oh course the last thing you thought threatened the ponies you cared about, you summoned both princesses to vaporize it and spent several hours shooting at it, so I guess this is restrained."

There was a two-hour wait to see the mayor. The Big Guy settled in and fired up the movie machine. He began sorting through two sets of pictures to find pairs that matched. He'd then place the pictures and large blocks of text, Equestrian and his native tongue on the screen, and do something incomprehensible with it.

"Trixie is going to take a nap while you are doing your magics," the showmare said, and laid her head on his leg like it was a pillow and dozed off.


Celly had been just enjoying the freedom to gallop, and fly, without a hundred anti-fun functionaries worrying that she might damage a feather and be permanently disabled. If I was that fragile I wouldn't still be alive after a thousand years.

She chased Rainbow Dash around the skies, and shadowed Fluttershy for several minutes until the mare seemed to admit she'd known Celly was there all the time. Now she was enjoying the walk through town. And the shocked expressions, she thought as she approached the library, It all looks just like the Ponyville I remember. Can it really be so different? Aside from the language.

She entered the library, and called out Twilight's name. The bookish unicorn appeared, stunned at Celly's arrival, and began talking excitedly. She showed Celly the growing 'Monster to Equestrian' dictionary. Celly was amazed that the characters of written Equestrian were exactly what they were in her homeland. "Topaz," she said of the stone in the dictionary.

Spike politely corrected her pronunciation. Celly repeated what he'd said.

I guess the characters have a different sound, she thought.

Spike seemed confused, and repeated what he'd said. Celly said it back to him. This only made him more confused.

Twilight repeated the word highlighting the stressed and unstressed sounds. Celly repeated it back.

That's perfect as far as I can tell, she thought, and Twilight very reluctantly and nervously repeated herself.

Celly began to grow worried. I don't hear any difference, she thought, And Twilight is not that cruel a jokester.


The cameras he'd set up in the entry hall let him spot Celly walking in from Ponyville. As she approached the door to the house proper, her expression let his well-trained instincts predict: Slam, mild profanity, stomp stomp stomp, floomp, 'I hate my', he thought.

The door slammed. "Jesus H. Jumping Joker Christ! These ponies are morons!"

Okay, she can hear into the garage with the door closed, I've got to watch my languages. He felt rather than heard the hoof steps and was glad he'd replaced the human-made couches with Equestrian-built. Or the floomp of throwing herself on one would be followed by screams at having impaled something sensitive on the wrecked furniture. Too old to come running, so I'd better go to her, he thought, And 'kiddo' was so last week. They grow up so fast. He left his study and headed to the living room.

"What's wrong?" he asked the moping alicorn with the pillow under her chin.

"I can't speak the language. I can read it just fine, but even with Twilight's help I couldn't pronounce even the simplest Equestrian words. I couldn't even hear where I was making the mistake!"

Welcome to the club, he didn't say as he sat down on the couch beside her, She's bigger than she was last night. Almost to the size of Dinky. I guess she really is growing up fast.

"At least you can understand the written language," he said instead, "I don't even have that."

"It's not the same," she said, "and the kids have been teasing me," she said quietly, "Kidlestia is still a blank-flank! Don't they understand if I take my old cutie-mark I'm challenging the princess over control of the sun. She doesn't deserve that," Celly said.

"How do you know that's what they've been saying?" he asked.

"I heard it a few times, and repeated it to Twilight. Then practically had to threaten her to explain it."

"I think she respects you too much to be comfortable translating an insult."

"Yes, and they keep . . . " The sudden silence and her Cadence impersonation as her white color became an all-over pink told him a lot about what was really bothering her.

It's the 'Kid-lustia' that's bothering her. It's not like she hid making googoo eyes at me when we were out and about. And with Discord's near fury at it, I probably got it before she did. I can't imagine the gyrations Sparkle went through trying and failing to sugarcoat that one, he thought as she tried to disappear into the pillow under her chin, Ah the trials of a teenaged princess. I frankly don't know much more I could do to discourage her, short of throwing her out on her ear. I guess invoking the Westermark effect doesn't overwhelm the Florence Nightingale effect.

"Well, I think as you grow up, your new cutie mark will appear, and that should deal with the problem. Although you might want to actually talk to Celestia. She might not mind having someone to share the governing load with. I'm sure that part of her joy at returning her sister was being able to divide the oversight load, now she could divide it four ways."

She moved her head from the pillow to his leg, and wrapped her forelegs around it. "I guess I'm acting childish," she said morosely.

"Culture shock. You assumed everything would be the same, and it isn't. It's the subtle differences that get you."

She rubbed her chin on his leg and murmured, "Uh huh."

You'll outgrow being bothered by it, he thought, And you'll outgrow me. He laid a hand on her head and let her rest there a while. It seemed to have a quieting effect.


Woona yawned as the walked through the house. "You didn't wake me for breakfast, or lunch?" she complained, and the rumbling of her stomach didn't help.

The Big Guy looked up from the box he seemed to be wiring into a mare's nest of cables, wires and switches. "There's peanut butter in the cupboards with bread and jelly in the refrigerator, and I invited some others to show up for dinner and a show. I thought I'd show them something really frightening, but I needed to get the Betamax out of the office to show these tapes."

"I'm glad you know what you're talking about," Woona said, "So when is dinner?" Woona looked at Bonbon and Johnny Cake working together in the kitchen.

"About two hours," he replied.

"I'll get a sandwich," Woona said, she looked at her sister, lying on the couch, somehow combining moping with a near predatory interest in their host.

I thought only cats could do that, she thought as she headed towards the kitchen. She watched the pair working, avoiding stepping on each other, and neither said a word. In the dining room, Lyra and Trixie where holding a 'frank' discussion. Neither mare seemed pleased by the subject of the discussion. For not the first time, Woona wished, I wish I knew the language. Celly and the Big Guy might trust them. But there's too much about them that is so different. Can they have actually changed in just a thousand years? When they blundered in after having nearly frozen their races to death in their avarice and hatred, how much is forced by some 'Pax Celestia' and how much is them actually growing up? I wonder.

She enjoyed the sandwich, but did not enjoy the reaction of all the others to her eating peanut butter. "How oo oo g't tis stug off roof a yoo moth?" she asked desperately trying to loosen the glob, igniting another wave of giggles in the others. Her royal glare not having the desired effect on her subjects.


Princesses Celestia, Luna and Cadence arrived, early. Shining Armor accompanied them and looked very worried.

"What's the problem, BBBFF?" Twilight asked, she was trying to avoid looking at Celly.

I can't figure out if I should apologize, or just hug her, she thought of the 'translations' she'd provided, Her Equestrian isn't as muddy as his, but talking with them directly is going to be nearly impossible.

"Just thinking about who we left in charge. I hated having the job, but I think it would have been better if I stayed."

"It's just one night, Celestia and Luna will be back by midnight, who cold ruin Equestia in only a few hours?" Twilight chuckled at her brother's nervousness.


"You can't do this!" the elegant mare actually screeched. The sound filling the throne room with the proof of her impotent anger.

"But mumsy, you always taught me that a ruler must be firm with those governed," Blueblood said from the throne, resplendent in the regalia of the office, "And Les majesty is a serious crime."

The old mare struggled in the grip of the guards, but was well past the age where brawling would have been viable. "I'm your mother!"

"Ah, yes, it shall show I am fair and impartial," Blueblood said, "Take her to the dungeons. She'll be executed at the first light of morning," he said happily, "And I want her cell to have extra rats. Very important for dungeons, rats."

"I shall arrange it," Sir Eagle Bell replied and signaled a functionary to record the order. And some other poor functionary to chase down the requisite rat, one being an infinitely greater number than zero.

"Make sure no one mentions he'll be deposed at midnight, and we may make it out of here with our heads," Bell told the civil servants attending the night court.

"Ah, cousin Reg. I understand mumsy moved you ahead of me in the planned line of succession. Can't have you plotting against me. Boiling oil, first thing in the morning. I'll make an especially special effort to wake early."

"Your most sublime and serene Highness, you needn't trouble yourself so on my behalf. Sleep in, you deserve it. Loll away in bed until lunch, if that would please you."

"Everyone thinks I am some layabout lazybones. I shall prove them all wrong. First light of the morning. In you go. I'll even have a lid put on, so you can scream and wail and not disturb anyone."

"You're too kind," the stunned stallion said as the guards escorted him away.

"Ah, grandfather!" Blueblood said happily, "You always said I'd never amount to anything. You made me listen to all your lectures about it. Now I am not merely King, but Emperor, king of kings. What should I do with you? Something appropriate."

"If you're going to kill me," the old stallion challenged and sneered at all the soldiers and trappings of power around him, "Why don't you do it yourself? Not hiding behind this farce."

"Sir Bell, I'm sorry, your majesty Bell, king of the civil service," the frivolous tone fell away, and the gaze from Blueblood made the old stallion quail, "Is it permitted for an Emperor to, well, do it himself?"

"Frightfully bad for morale and public image if one does it poorly," Eagle Bell soothed, and gave a glare of his own to the old stallion, "We do have trained professionals. It is what we pay them for."

"It's a union thing, isn't it," Blueblood whined, "It's always a union thing. I know, I'll have them abolished!"

"First thing in the morning?" Eagle Bell asked.

"Yes, clean sweep, first thing in the morning," Blueblood said, "And have him hung by his heels. That way he can lecture on and on."

"First thing in the morning, yes," Eagle Bell said, "If it please your Imperial Highness, there are a very large number to go. We could handle this administratively."

"No, thank you, your Highness," Blueblood bowed to the stallion, "This really is the thing one must do with one's own hooves, "Blueblood sighed. "Ah, cousin Marigold, I understand you ran off again. And I think it needs an appropriate punishment. Good, that first-class ruffian Railroad . . . something, is in the line. Your Majesty Bell, drag those two to the wedding chapel. Having them legally married is the most hideous punishment for both of them I can think of. Having to live with the lash of her tongue and his insolence is almost more than I can take."

"First thing in the morning?" Bell asked.

"Now, your Majesty, right now," Blueblood said chidingly and glared at them, "What do you think of that?"

The pair saw Bell urging patience and silence. They bowed low and let the guards drag them away.

"Is it, too cruel, and too capricious?" Blueblood asked.

"The king must know what is good for the kingdom. An Emperor, even more so," Bell offered.

"Yes. True. Ah you two scamps. Do you remember when I was five and you stole my skates, on my birthday, and I said I'd get you for it," Blueblood asked as he giggled and rubbed his hooves together, "Guess what?!"


I know I told them this was frightening, he thought, But that shouldn't have them this agitated. He thought as he glanced over the collection. The Apples, all of them, were sitting together on the large couch. Sweetie Belle and her sister were there, sandwiching Scootaloo, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash between themselves and the Apples. Twilight's family and future family were in a small knot together. All four Diarchs were together, and had placed Fluttershy among them. Derpy, Trixie and Dinky were holding his chair, while the griffons and Glory's kitchen team were holding the other end of the 'line'. Lyra and Bonbon were curled up in front of the couches in a miniature pony pile. Both looked extremely quiescent compared to the previous day's snappishness.

The wired remote in his hand he took his seat among the ponies. Ah, an interesting night of pony watching.

"You are incredibly cruel," Discord said, "I like it, but will they?"

No experiment is without risk. They've got some food in them, now to 'der tag'. He hit the button. The screen fuzzed, and the tail end of a commercial for a fast food joint that no longer existed on Earth played. Once it was over,

"My Little Pony, My Little Pony
Isn't the world a lovely place?
My Little Pony, My Little Pony
Everywhere you go, a smiling face
Running and skipping; merrily tripping
Watching the morning unfold
My Little Pony, My Little Pony
What does the future hold?"


Equine jaws, human speaking and not dropped in near unison.

"No sign of trouble in sight
My Little Pony, My Little Pony
May all your days be bright
May all your days be bright"


"Twilight?"

I hate that machine, Twilight thought as she trudged down the main road of Ponyville. Her grim expression and head down posture warned everypony not to trouble her without good reason, It shows the most difficult realities. Are we just their creation? Is that why he can do all those things? But if he is/was the Creator, why won't he talk to us? If he isn't, how did they know about us? Even the poor version we saw. What are we to do? A whole other completely alien planet, even got Celestia's address for her subjects correct. Or does he think he's dead in the afterlife because he's in a distortion of a child's cartoon?

"Twilight?"

Why did he have to get out an ancient machine and those dust-covered tapes just to be able to show us this? Is he going to be in trouble, or was that what all his suffering and fighting were about, as an offering to higher-powers to let us see that? He seemed to want everypony there. Humans and ponies working and fighting together? Could we do the same if we understood his language? Or did our ancient ancestors create humans to fight our battles? He seems so kind and oddly honorable, yet so deadly. I can see him standing up to Celestia herself, 'For the Honor of the Regiment' indeed. Does that relate to the book Rarity got from him?

"Egghead?"

Did the ancient pony kingdoms meet humans, then create our own to fight our wars? Is he from those ancient kingdoms? Thrust forward not from another place, but from another time? I can't imagine him following the orders to slaughter like the texts talk about the battles evolving into. Sneaking directly into the leadership and assassinating them, yes, killing all those civilians, no. Maybe that's what really happened. He's really one of what the 'Windingos' were. Created creatures, who all rebelled against their creators and drove them out to wander. To force us to learn about friendship, as they had.

"Twilight?"

"Sugarcube?"

That explains our technology, and his. If he came from those ancient kingdoms. Our servant race must have leapt ahead of us in technology. That's what enabled them to overcome the magic our ancestors must have used to control them. Our current powers must be just a pale shadow of those ancient magics. That's why they didn't fear Discord and why he didn't, they were too strong for him, Twilight thought, Oh what we must have lost in that great war and migration! Then why is he here? Has he returned to teach us new technologies and antebellum magic, and important lessons in friendship? Twilight perked up at that thought, Then I have to be even more diligent, pay even closer attention. I have to -.

"TWILIGHT!" Spike and Rainbow Dash shouted in chorus, finally penetrating her funk.

"Yes," she said softly.

"Are we going to walk all the way to Canterlot?" Spike asked, "We passed the library a while ago."

"Ah, no," Twilight said and reversed direction, "Rainbow, what did you think of what we saw?"

"Eh," Rainbow said and wing shrugged, "It was, so girly."

"I thought it was kinda sweet," Applejack said

"That's because you've got a crush on that human girl," Rainbow teased.

"Most level-headed of the bunch. It's not like I'd be that klutzy pony with the apple cutie mark," Applejack shot back.

Twilight looked at her friends. "Were you all following me?"

"Oh course, you walked out and were all 'zombie pony'," Pinkie said and exaggerated Twilight's look, "We had to keep an eye on you. If you decided to eat somepony's brians."

"Brains."

"See!" Pinkie exclaimed. Twilight facehoofed. Pinkie shook her head.

"I wouldn't be eating, I might be switching," Twilight admitted, "Pinkie what did you think?"

"Avocados have pits that are too big, and the duck-billed platypus," Pinkie said, deeply considering.

"About the show," Rarity amended, "I think it was aimed more at the Cutie Mark Crusaders, than us. Although many of the characters were rather charming."

"Needed more parties," Pinkie said, "Or a whole show about parties!"

"Pinkie," Twilight corrected, "Even you would get bored with a show about having parties. Now an instructional show about how to throw parties, that would have you effectively riveted to the floor."

"With real rivets," Pinkie agreed.

Twilight let that go. "I mean, do you think that that's something that happened in the past, or did they make it up completely?"

"From the future, definitely," Pinkie said.

"Why would he have come from the future?" Twilight asked.

"No, the show comes from the future, he's from a different world," Pinkie said, "Just like the other newcomers, after all why would they speak the same language? The stories, must come from a time after the Princesses, and after all our enemies are gone."

Twilight stared at the ground. "I never even considered that. That he and what he showed are from different times."

"Maybe," Pinkie offered,

" 'Maybe'?" Twilight asked fearfully.

"Maybe," Pinkie added anxiously.

" 'Maybe?'" the others added, leaning towards Pinkie in expectation.

"He's from next Thursday," Pinkie replied.

"We deserved that," Applejack commented as she shook her head,

"No one deserved that," Rarity said, "But Twilight does bring up a good point. Is that what he's basing his assumption of pony culture on? That villain was very similar to our Tirek. The other villains in that series might give us some clues to our prehistory."

"Series?" Rainbow asked.

"He pulled one box out of a larger box with a dozen similar boxes, and we went through maybe a third of the reel that was inside the box. That means there's several hours, possibly days of recordings. All of them had the same logo on them."

"Several, hours?" Twilight asked excitedly, "Think of what could be learned!"

"You might do better once you understand the language," Rainbow said, "It was easy to guess what was going on, but that's all we were doing. I think the whole idea that they got the idea from us, or we're based on that, a little weird. I mean no Wonderbolts, no Princesses, no Elements of Harmony. It's like a kiddie show version of our lives without any of the important stuff."

"Hate to admit it, Twi," Applejack said, "But she's right. Nopony having to work for anything. Even Discord had a reason ta do his stuff. That villain jist wanted ta see ponies suffer."

"That might be reason enough," Rarity said, "We have our own home-grown bullies."

"You won't know until you ask him," Fluttershy added, "So maybe you should try and develop a way to ask him." She glanced around and smiled. "It might also have been a prank on all of us."


Celestia was back in her throne room, and seemed to be competing for the longest facehoof in history. "How many ponies are in the dungeons awaiting execution?"

"Eight-hundred and twelve," the recently demoted Sir Eagle Bell happily reported.

Shining Armor was looking over the list. "Highness, if you could just sleep in tomorrow," he suggested.

"Shining Armor," Celestia said sharply, with more than a few overtones of 'don't tempt me.' She glared at her head of the civil service. "And you went along with it."

"Only as far as the actions existed unrealized. There is a grave distance between being sentenced to death, and meeting the axpony yourself. As long as it remained a vague potential, I was content to serve the legitimate government."

"Don't remind me, and thank you for not saying 'I told you so'," Celestia said tiredly, "Let them go."

"I'm afraid I can't, without a pardon. They were tried according to the laws of the land, and while we have backed those laws out of the books of jurisprudence, they were legitimate for the time they were implemented." The civil servant handed over a document. "Your hoof print. A blanket pardon, for all of them, for all crimes for which they stand to meet the darkest pony."

Celestia stamped it. Let the clerks clean her hoof before she marched over to have a long talk with Blueblood over proper reigning, versus rulership.

Armor motioned Eagle Bell to a more secluded spot. "You do realize she can revoke that pardon, in whole or in part, at any time?"

"Why do you think I went along with the little wanker's tantrum?" the senior civil servant asked the Captain of the Royal Guard.

The two ponies most responsible for guarding Celestia's flanks nodded in unified agreement.


"Think of it," Lyra crowed as she raced around excitedly, "We could make a series of cartoons, about their world, about ponies living and working together with them!"

"Yes Lyra," Bonbon said patiently as she stowed the breakables around their house.

"It would show our ancient history, our shared development, even our path into the future!"

"Yes, Lyra," Bonbon said as her roommate practically chased her own tail in excitement.

"We could call it My Little Human! We could make humans with long, brushable hair, like the human in the show!"

"Lyra," Bonbon made one last attempt to calm her roommate down.

"Oh, oh I'm missing something." Lyra whirled around frantically.

You'll forgive me in the morning, Bonbon thought.

Bonbon explained, "We could give them different outfits, so little ponies could dress them, for work, for play, for going to parties. We could have houses, like the Big Guy's, that open up so they could have fun inside. We could have vehicles, the Big Guy has two large ones. We could also have their pony friends with brushable manes and tails, and make the brushes and combs fit in the humans' hands."

Lyra was pronking in one spot on pure excitement.

Bonbon went in for the kill. "We could even set up fan-magazines where ponies could post their own stories about being friends with humans, having adventures with humans, having adult adventures." Bonbon waggled her eyebrows at Lyra who was becoming a blur of vertical motion. "And even stories about becoming human. Imagine a cinema about ponies going to the human world, as humans."

"Eep," Lyra said, her eyes rolled up in her head and she collapsed unconscious.

Bonbon sighed. "The things I do for my excitable roommate." She dragged some of the bedding off their bed and covered Lyra with it, before climbing in and snuggling with her happily dreaming marefriend.


Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle sat atop the bed in the middle of Sweetie Belle's room, back to back, with all the lights on.

"You don't think that Tirek's gotten loose do you?" Scootaloo asked as she watched to see if the shadows were getting bigger.

"I'm sure the Big Guy will get him if he did," Applebloom suggested.

The chime from the door downstairs was answered by three filly shrieks. The thunder of hooves announced Rarity's charge and arrival. She looked at the three friends hugging each other and shivering in the middle of Sweetie Belle's bed. She smiled.

"Wouldn't it be safer to hide under the bed?" Rarity teased. "I mean it's not like there's, eek!"

The fillies shrieked.

"Boo," Rarity said quietly, "Oh, are you ready for a ghost story?"

"NO!" the crusaders said.

"There was a ferocious, filly-eating monster." Rarity took a step towards the trembling Crusaders. "And one day it wandered into Ponyville." Another step. "It selected three silly fillies." Another step towards the whimpering trio. "And was about to have them all up in one bite, when . . . " She whispered in Sweetie Belle's ear.

"When?" the trio wailed.

"The Big Guy ate him and they got cutie-marks in being scaredy-cats, the end. Now turn off the lights and go to sleep," Rarity flipped the switch as she left.

"Do you think it's safe?" Scootaloo asked as she scanned the darkness around them.

"Yeah, the princesses and the Big Guy would get any monsters," Applebloom said.

"We're just being silly, and tomorrow's a school day," Sweetie Belle said.

"Right," Scootaloo said. And the three of them were shivering under the covers an instant later.


The shivering pony pile seemed more numerous and more active as none of them wanted the 'pillow/bolster' spot, and even Sveti the griffon was in the bed hanging on for dear life. I didn't think it was that scary, he admitted to Discord and Tom.

"Existential dread," Tom provided, "They are terrified of you being swept away, or that you will lose yourself to darkness. Or that was your childhood. I refuse to work out how that was possible, unless you only had hand-me-downs and older sisters."

How is that existential dread? he asked.

"They are ponies," Tom replied inside his head.

He briefly considered that. No, not going to ask. I've decided I like my sanity too much, he thought.

"Over rated," Discord said.

I'll let you go look up one instance in particular if you think sanity is overrated, he replied.

"I looked at that one. I hope you don't have something worse," Discord replied, "What I don't understand is . . . no, I don't even want to know."

"See, he can learn from wise examples," Tom said happily.

Discord gave him a bilabial fricative.

"Simply put," Tom explained, "Ponies are more reflections and refractions of the people around them than humans are. No pony could ever be a Nietzschian Ubermensch. The rules and expectations of others are too important to them."

Expectations of others, he thought, I'll have to remember that. So ponies are in part reflections of the ponies around them, interesting. Might explain why the Princess is so freaked out by me. If 'humanity', as they assume it to be, is infectious.

"More like why 'Celly' wants a quadralabial fricative," Discord pointed out, "She's desperate to 'save' you. This little movie won't help your case." There was silence among the conversants. "What, no teasing about 'how'd I know that'?"

I know enough not to tease you about Celestia, he replied, But I'll take your advice to heart.

"I don't understand your resistance," Tom said, "She's very nice."

Same reason doctors don't take advantage of their patients, he replied.

The two fell silent, and the susurrations of the ponies had fallen off as well. The occasions whimper sounded, but nothing major.


Day 29

Blueblood knew that technically, his banishment didn't start until sundown, but he wanted to be out of Canterlot before sunrise. He'd paid the staff a month's wages, and gave them references that were cleverly enough written that they didn't break kayfabe, but extolled their diligence and dedication in the face of exacting and demanding service. He was walking through the caverns under Canterlot, with a few changes of clothes and some tools. I'm decked out more like Sangbleu than Blueblood, he thought happily, I wonder if mumsy and Aunt Celly ever realized how much I wanted to go out, travel and look at other places. I wonder if Trixie needs an assistant who can turn invisible? He chuckled at that, but kept hiking.

The house in the middle of the cavern was oddly welcoming. Even the setting moonlight gave it a warm aura. He sighed and considered what he could do to 'earn his bread'.

There were no lights in the house. Too early, especially after the late night, well, there's some caverns around here I always wanted to look into. Now that I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere, he thought, It seems like the time.


"Two hundred and six letters?" the Big Guy gasped as he fixed breakfast for the others, oatmeal this time.

"Oh course," Woona said, "Not counting the punctuation marks."

"How many are in English?" Celly asked, nearly leaning over the pot producing the wonderful smelling steam. When her nose was menaced by an oatmeal-smeared spoon, she sat back.

"Not counting capitals, and punctuation," he said, "Twenty-six."

"I've heard you make more than twenty-six sounds," Woona replied, "And what's 'capital letters'?"

"They denote important letters, like if I was commenting on people of your rank, it would be princesses, lower-case, but if I was referring to you two by name, it would be Princesses, capital letter P to start it."

Celly felt frustrated. "I didn't hear any difference," she commented.

"There isn't one in speech. It's only used in writing," he replied.

"You doubled the letters used in writing?" Johnny Cake said as she entered the kitchen.

He pointed to the coffee pot. "Yes."

"But you cram all your sounds into twenty-six letters?" Johnny shook her head. "That makes no sense."

"What are all the letters in Equestrian for? English only has about forty-plus phonemes, sounds. That hardly requires two-hundred and six letters."

"Stressed, unstressed, rising and falling," Woona said, "Although falling tends to accompany unstressed, so in usual writing, except very long unstressed sections, falling stressed is used instead."

"So there are fifty-two basic sounds, and two outliers?" he asked.

"Forty-eight, and the rest are outliers, either always or never stressed," Celly replied.

"That certainly explains why I could never really crack the language. You're saying LAla and laLA would be written differently?"

"Of course, how else would you know how to pronounce it correctly?" Celly asked.

"We can go over this later, with an English pronunciation guide," he said, shutting off the stove, "In the meantime: breakfast, and I'll see what he wants." He nodded to a rather spiderwebbed Blueblood waving to them from outside the window.

"How'd he get out there?" Celly asked.

"You remember last night, the movie?" he asked.

"Some things are better not to know," Celly commented, and took the pot to the table.

"We'll save you some, maybe," Woona teased.

"I can make more," he replied, "And I'll fry fish for lunch, with lots of onions and garlic."

The royal-white pony seemed almost frantic about something, and not that he was covered in cobwebs. The Big Guy recovered a work shirt, his rifle and a small backpack, and followed the royal into the caverns.

"Celly, are you going to have breakfast?" Woona asked, "It's really good."

Torn, Celly returned to the table. I should be hurt he didn't ask me along, she thought.


Trixie watched the Big Guy usher the Apples, Woona and Blueblood into the garage, using the laundry room as security barrier to prevent eavesdropping.

"What is he doing in there?" Trixie demanded of the closed door, "He moved the big vehicles outside and put paper over the building's windows."

"A surprise," Sveti said as she walked past. "What I'd like to know is what the heck Blueblood is doing down here, outside traveling the Ponyville corridor."

"There has to be another way in, which means there's another way out," Trixie said, and looked over at Celly staring at them with a raised eyebrow. The pair slunk back to the bedroom.

"Even as a kid, she's intimidating," Trixie commented.

"She's more a teenager," Sveti said. "I guess being up and around helps their recovery. It was months before Luna achieved her current state. But she spent the first few weeks moping."

"Our Luna certainly isn't moping," Trixie said, "What are they doing in there?! Trixie needs to know!"

"Driving Trixie crazy?" Sveti offered.

The Big Guy entered and motioned for them to follow.

"Where now?" Trixie asked, and glared at the door to the laundry room as she passed it.


Starlit Circlet was not just anypony, but he desperately wanted to be one. Just an astronomer, he thought as he noted the very odd collection of, well, creatures, approaching the Ponyville shop he had intended to enter. The Ponyville Monster he recognized from news accounts. The Sand Cobra didn't notice him, so he decided discretion meant he should reciprocate.

With the Gala coming up, he considered the invitation from a friend-enemy, I need a suit.

The Ponyville Monster was holding the door open for him, he bowed and hustled inside.

The mare who embarrassed Blueblood, then why did he send me here? the confused noble wondered, then saw the reason as the mare brought out THE suit. It was glorious, a dream beyond all his wildest fantasies, only real, in cloth and right in front of him. Contain yourself! he demanded, But to be away from the peacock like lines of Equestrian fashion, to be just bold lines. Oh, that, that, that is perfect.

"What's perfect?" the mare wearing the wizard's hat asked.

Mortified he glanced around. The Sand Cobra was giving a girlish giggle, totally at odds with her filly-fatale tendencies.

"The tuxedo. A friend sent me with assurances that the designer here understood the power of austerity, who would not make a dress as if made from an overzealous magpie's horde of shiny bits," he exclaimed.

"Well, I'm sure I could do the job," Rarity said nervously, "I'll be right with you."

The Ponyville Monster then opened a ring box he'd produced out of pocket. Inside was a gem like Starlit had never seen. Rarity seemed very intrigued. The gem set in the ring was a rather pretty chocolate brown polished spherically instead of faceted, but the yellow star that nearly glowed in the light like illuminated honey drew their attention.

"Now that would be interesting, used sparingly," he whispered.

The monster made a crude horn with his hand against his head, and seemed to be seeking out the gem and smiled when his horn 'found' it. Rarity nodded and dashed over to a large chest. She threw it open and with her horn glowing, began searching. She came back with a small hoofful of unremarkable stones. They seemed to satisfy the ring's owner and he separated out a couple.

"I know a gemologist who'd be able to cut those into their proper shapes," Starlit said quietly, in awe of the idea, "Some small ones at the collar would be just perfect. Focus the eye on one thing, a rose among thorns."

"I'm sure something can be arranged, mister -?" Rarity asked.

He looked around, and realized one this wasn't Canterlot, and two, Sand Cobra, or whatever the griffon was calling herself, knew his real name. "Starlit Circlet," he said.

The Ponyville Monster and Sand Cobra caught Rarity as she fainted.


The late afternoon party was beyond boring. Twilight had smuggled a book in, and was quietly reading as the speeches went on, and on, and on. Pinky, who'd been forced to delay her welcome party, and then integrate it into the Canterlot society's welcome party, had her teeth clamped on the edge of the table. The poor mare looked one step away from gnawing the table to sawdust. Although Rarity seemed to be enjoying herself, and her companion.

A true pariah sat at a table farthest from the stage. Blueblood had initially been alone, but Fluttershy had decided to go talk to him. For the good reason that no one followed her over to the table. They sat in companionable silence, save for a word here and there, as the speeches continued, and the food waited for the speeches to terminate either themselves or the audience.

"Rarity's really enjoying all the venomous looks from the others. Maybe so is Fluttershy," Woona commented quietly as she pony-watched, "This isn't my kind of party."

Fluttershy and Rarity? Celly wanted to ask.

"You're lucky you can't hear them," Celly whispered to the Big Guy, "Celestia is furious with all the little digs."

The Big Guy looked at the placid Solar Diarch, politely smiling. "I see no hint of fury," he said.

"That's her 'political' face," Celly explained, "She only wears it when she'd love to tear someone's heart out."

"Well, you and Discord agree, he's practically frothing at the mouth. I think he's rather taken with her," he whispered back.

Celly grinned at that, and watched the poor soldiers, who like their ruler, had to stoically accept the ham-handed attempts at hiding contempt among witticisms. While the speaker smiled and sipped the punch. Everyone else was relegated to water, another subtle dig.

Suddenly the mare in question began to squirm slightly, as if the floor had become slippery. She continued her delivery, but was losing the thread of her speech, checking her notes more frequently to keep her place. Murmurs grew as others quietly commented on her bizarre behavior. She suddenly stopped squirming and took the expression of a bugeyed fish in growing pain. Silence reigned as ponies looked to Celestia to lead.

The sound was hard to hear at first, like the tearing of cloth, and if she'd kept talking it would have denied those in the know the precious seconds they needed as the ripping sound grew louder. It was joined by a second, and the mare in question had an expression of perplexed pain like Blueblood's mother.


Two powerful hooves smashed the hall's doors open, he paused only to ensure that Fluttershy, Dinky and Derpy were secure on his back, then the stallion galloped out, into the fresh air. A short distance away and realizing no one had followed, he wailed as a beacon and to reestablish kayfabe.

"Celestia's mercy! My buttons are melting!" Blueblood exclaimed in an extremely loud whine.

Starlit Circlet wandered out, with Rarity and Cherilee on his back. "By all the dead gods!" the socialite shouted, tears streaming down his cheeks, "That punch must be banned!"

The Apples came out in a clump, Applejack, Big Mac and Jonathan shepherded Applebloom, Granny Smith and Johnnie out. Many of the Ponyvillians and Canterlot socialites rushed through.

Applejack shook her head to clear it, and was immediately drenched. "What!? Who!?" She looked around and fixed on Blueblood. "Mister," she growled.

"Your hat was on fire," he offered and backed away.

Applejack glanced up at it and shuddered.

Pinkie, wearing a pink gasmask with her face painted on it, led Princess Celestia out. Once in the fresh air, she yanked off the mask. "Gah! I can still taste it!" she shouted in disgust.

Twilight brought up the rear, also wearing a pink gas mask with Pinkie's face, but with wetted napkins stuffed in her ears. "The eustachian tubes lead from the ears to the mouth," Twilight explained as she removed her mask, grinned and glanced at her makeshift filters.

"Twilight?" Celestia asked and lowered her head.

"Right here," Twilight moved up to nuzzle her mentor.

"Twilight," Celestia said quietly, but her voice filled with fear, "I can't see."

Twilight exchanged worried looks with Pinkie Pie, who zipped her mouth closed. "I'm sure it's temporary, and an eyewash will fix you right up," Twilight said, hiding her own terror.

"Thank you," Celestia said quietly.

She and Pinkie led the Diarch to the aid station being set up for those worst affected.

Woona and Celly, domes of light enclosing their heads, herded the last of the ponies out of the Town Hall and let it air out. They glanced inside and saw another person similarly protected leading the two utterly mortified maretrons, Blueblood's mother and aunt, out the back way and down wind. The cross breeze soon had the hall cleared.

"I don't think anyone wants to go into a closed space," Woona commented to Celly as the ponies milled around.

The Big Guy walked to the entrance of the hall and whistled loudly. He pointed to a couple of the larger stallions and motioned them forward. They moved, reluctantly, but moved. The tables with the food were still inside, and they moved them outside. He also found the piano, and had it brought to the doorway.

Celly shook her head 'no' insistently.

But the sight of her local self with her eyes bandaged broke her resistance. She knew the ponies needed the distraction. She grinned angrily at the Big Guy. He bowed. She motioned Spike forward as Woona got the bench for them.


I'm going to get him, Celly thought as she seated Spike further down the keyboard. She played C major, G major, A minor, F major, then grinned at pleasantly at Spike, then malevolently at the Big Guy. I heard you singing in the shower, she thought malevolently, So did Woona. She noticed the wicked gleam in her sister's eyes.

"You do realize anywhere else this is a war crime," he commented.

She grinned and nodded. She played the chord progression, with Spike duplicating it several octaves lower.

"Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world. She took the midnight train goin' anywhere," Woona brassily sang.

"Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit. He took the midnight train goin' anywhere," he sang boldly.

"My life is brilliant. My love is pure," Celly sang softly, "I saw an angel. Of that I'm sure."

"People killing, people dying, children hurtin', hear them crying," he sang sadly, "Can you practice what you preach? Or would you turn the other cheek?"

"Forever young, I want to be forever young," Woona sang longingly.

"I won't hesitate no more, no more, it cannot wait, I'm yours," he sang with a staccato delivery.

"This is the way you left me, I'm not pretending," Celly sang quietly, sadly, "No hope, no love, no glory, no Happy Ending."

The Big Guy leaned on the piano and sang in return, "Cause you were amazing, and we did amazing things."

"Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains," Woona belted out brassily, "I knew I wouldn't forget you."

"If I could, then I would," the Big Guy sang, "I'll go wherever you will go."

All three sang loudly in harmony, "And can you feel the love tonight?"

"Nobody wanna see us together, but it don't matter no," Celly sang, "Cause I got you babe."

The Big Guy sang, "Country roads, take me home to the place I belong."

"I'm your biggest fan," Woona sang to Celly, "I'll follow you until you love me Papa-Paparazzi."

"I can't live. With or without you," Celly sang back to her.

"Pictures of you, pictures of me, hung upon your wall for the world to see," the Big Guy sang.

Woona sang, "And she will be loved, she will be loved."

"And whenever I fall at your feet. You let your tear," Celly sang, "Am I not pretty enough is my heart too broken."

The Big Guy replied, "When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me."

Woona added, "Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner."

The Big Guy sang to Woona, "That's the way it's gonna be little darlin'. You'll go riding on the horses yeah yeah."

"No, woman, no cry," Celly added.

The Big Guy shook his head and sang, "Yeah, Mama this surely is a dream."

Woona replied, "I come from a land down under."

Celly sang, "You're the red, white and blue. The funny things you do. America, America this is you."

Woona sang, "They say Taylor was a good girl never one to be late complain express ideas in her brain."

The Big Guy sang, "Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong."

Celly grinned and sang, "I need some love like I've never needed love before wanna make love to ya baby."

The Big Guy and Celly sang contrapuntally,
"Take on me,
When I come around
Take me on,
When I come around
I'll be gone when I'm on take."

The Woona and Celly sang contrapuntally,
"Save tonight
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
And fight the break of dawn come tomorrow
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
tomorrow I'll be gone."

The Woona and the Big Guy sang contrapuntally,
"If I were a boy
Here I am, once again
I think I could understand
I'm torn into pieces can't deny it can't pretend.
Just thought you were the one."

Woona sang, "In my head, I see you all over me. In my head, you fulfill my fantasy."

Celly sang angrily, "Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage."

The Big Guy sang softly, "What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on the bus trying to make his way home?"

Woona shook her head and sang, "Tell me why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else."

Woona and the Big Guy sang together, "I know she's playing with me. That's okay cause I've got no self esteem."

"With a thousand lies and a good disguise. Hit 'em right between the eyes. Hit 'em right between the eyes."

Celly sang to the Big Guy, "You're so beautiful. So damn beautiful."

"That it's too late to apologize, it's too late," the Big Guy sang back.

Woona sang, "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn. Well that's all right because I like the way it hurts."

They sang in harmony, "It's my life. It's now or never. I ain't gonna live forever."

"Cause I'm not here for your entertainment. You don't really want to mess with me tonight."

The Big Guy sang, "Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my poker face."

Woona sang in baby tones, "Come on Barbie, let's go party!"

They sang in harmony, "How long how long will I slide? Separate my -"

"Double rainbow all the way 'cross the sky, yeah, yeaaaah, it's so intense!"

Celly sang, "Lost and insecure. You found me, you found me."

The Big Guy sang back, "She wants to touch me whoo, she wants to love me whoo, she'll never leave me whoo hu hu."

Woona sang, "Enjoy yourself. Take only what you need from it, a family of trees wanting."

They sang in harmony, "Take your canvas bags, take your canvas bags, take your canvas bags to the supermarket. Take your canvas bags."

Celly sang, "Time to say goodbye."

The Big Guy sang, "Veduto e vissuto con te."

Woona sang, "Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?"

Celly sang sadly, "Nothing's fine I'm torn, I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel, I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real, I'm wide awake and I can see -"

Woona and the Big Guy joined in, "I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane."

"I'm a birdplane, I'm a birdplane. A mother fuckin' birdplane."

Celly sang, "And doesn't that sound familiar? Doesn't that hit too close to home? Doesn't that make you shiver? The way things could have gone."

They all sang in harmony, "And doesn't it feel peculiar, when everyone wants a little more? So that I do remember to never go this far. That's all it takes to be a STAR!"


As their voices faded, they looked out at the stunned ponies just staring at them. Even the Apples who spoke the language.

"See Discord, that's how it's done. And I stole the idea from the Axis of Awesome," the Big Guy said.

"I think we broke them," Woona said of the eerily silent, immobile and ominously staring ponies.

The Big Guy glanced down at Spike who had tugged at his sleeve. The little dragon pointed hopefully at the buffet tables. "He's right, we have them all paralyzed," he proclaimed, "Do you know what this means?!"

"More cake/ice cream for us!" Celly and Woona shouted.

"Exactly!" he said and charged the tables.


Discord was currently doing what could only be called back flips if you projected the flip onto a normal three-dimensional space with a standard time component. There were other elements to the flips that meant his body and limbs could appear to separate and come back together without ever detaching.

The Big Guy ignored the silent tantrum. Tom's looking after him, he thought as he watched Celly pick out her favorites. He collected two similar plates, along with his own with very different fare, and headed over to where Celestia sat on a blanket beside Twilight. The Diarch's eyes were still bandaged, and Twilight had the difficult time of guiding her mentor around and getting her comfortably situated.

The Big Guy had seen enough gold-bricking in his career to recognize that Princess Celestia, Diarch of the Sun, Ruler of all Equestia, was letting Twilight have a bit of a dream, looking after the princess she so admired. She tensed as he approached, and tensed even more when he sat down opposite the princess. She was about to say something, when he shoved a custard-filled doughnut in her mouth. While she tried to dislodge it without spitting it out, he held a forkful of cake under Celestia's nose. The nostrils dilated, and she carefully nibbled the piece.

"Twilight, that cake is excellent, thank you," Celestia said. Tom providing a translation.

Twilight managed to bite through the doughnut and swallow it nearly whole before she could answer. He shook her finger at the mare as she got ready to tell Celestia the truth, and mimed barfing as Celestia had just taken a big bite of cake. Twilight briefly looked like she could have bitten through a girder, then she got a truly evil look on her face. She addressed the alicorn. Celestia turned away from the offered cake, and asked Twilight a question. Twilight grinned at him and asked the most innocent-sounding question.

Despite the bandages, he could feel the glare aimed at him by the Diarch as she asked a question in very harsh, but controlled tones. Twilight grinned triumphantly.

"Arf, arf, arf!" he responded, and considered licking Celestia's nose.

The Diarch playfully scolded the stunned Twilight, but chuckled at their antics. She resettled herself and let the pair of them look after her.

He was quite aware of how the growing crowd of nobles and local Ponyvillians were looking at the scene. He had the massive advantage of not carrying what these ponies thought of him.

It's a party, and one of the guests of honor is out of commission, so someone needs to step up, he thought quietly, as Twilight grew nervous, even as her friends brought her treats from the table, and drinks for her and Celestia. Although it is interesting that the divide between disgusted/horrified and enthralled seems complete, there's no one who's just neutral.

The party continued on into the early evening. Woona and Celly sang several more songs, that the locals clearly recognized, although the words were English. Pinkie dragged Sweetie Belle over and the two of them would sing a line in local Equestrian, then Celly and Woona sang in English. The Apples, all of them, were soon dragged into the game.

Poor Twilight was left trembling at the possibility of missing the data, until Spike, list in hand, caught her attention. She relaxed. Then Celestia chuckled. The alicorn said something chiding to her student, then nuzzled the embarrassed unicorn.

I had a feeling, he thought, and then was gentle scolded by the same alicorn who glanced occasionally at Twilight. Guess I'm being scolded for messing with Twilight's head. I don't think she guesses who arranged the mass migration.


"I wanna story," Woona announced from Jonathan's back as they walked back from the party. Overhead, the stars were coming out. "And make it a scary one! No kiddy stuff!"

Celly rolled her eyes. The parents among the group chuckled, recognizing the tone, but not the words.

Derpy glanced back at the soundly sleeping Dinky on her back and grinned happily, nuzzling Dinky, then the Big Guy. She rested her head against him as they walked.

"Scary, okay, any trouble if it's a true story?" the Big Guy asked.

"Better," Woona replied.

"There was once a magnificent race of plant sentients, living far from the strife and wars of ponykind. Their roots extended until they touched one another and they communicated, shared their strength and their experiences so that all lived as one in knowledge and harmony. As their numbers grew, they extended their dominion across the empty lands."

He spoke darkly, "Then came the child-eaters, the burners, the cutters: the ponies. They tore up the great roots for ropes. They consumed alive the children and cut the eldest open and hollowed them out to live inside their mindless husks. So the sentients who had never needed defenses, nor even a name for themselves, created their first defenses. They changed a harmless weed into Poison Joak to ward their communities, but the ponies ripped that barrier away and continued their slaughter. As an act of desperation, the greatest of them created a plant creature based on the direst legends of ponykind, and released them on the ponies. But it was too little too late. The seedlings cut down and eaten, the eldest reduced to buildings, the great roots interconnecting them one to the other torn up and destroyed. The last pockets of them withered and died or went in to somnambulism awaiting a day when they could grow and thrive once again."

The alicorns and the Apples shivered at his tone, even the others were disturbed by it.

"Only their sentinels remain, roving the forest as they were programed, defending a civilization long gone, and a race all but extinct."

Celly and Woona were horrified. Jonathan and Johnny stared in amazement.

"Ponies did that?" Celly asked.

"They did it without ever realizing they'd done it. This was back in the preclassical days. The three kingdoms. Hearth's Warming Day pageants present the conquest of Equestia and the meeting of the three rulers as taking place in only a few days. It really took months, or even years. Once they realized the other tribes had moved into this new land, the Windigos moved in too and the hatreds bloomed forth suddenly," he explained, "And before you go and write off Discord as a bad source, I checked out a few things he told me. Twilight's library is one of the remaining creatures. And I think Zecora's dwelling is another. If I can confirm that, and lay out my plan to the Element Bearers, I'll try and connect the two, and see what happens."

"I never knew," Celestia said, "How could they have let this happen?"

"Ignorance," he replied, "They were desperate, and didn't know any better. Compassion is all well and good, but science and compassion take resources. Resources that would have been in short supply among the refugees who may have realized they were going to have to restart the war they had just escaped."

"Okay," the wide-awake Woona said, "That was scary. Won't they hate us? For what we did?"

"Yes, but it's also an attempt to make amends," he said, "It's worked in the past. It will work now. Isn't Friendship supposed to be magic here, or something?"

Celly and Woona chuckled. "Yes," Celly said, "It is. Thank you for reminding us."

"Are you going to need help?" Woona asked, "Or should we finish the project?"

"Finish the project. I'll need to do my investigations, and run my plan through the Bearers and the Princesses. There may be a good deal more to this than I know. And as I said, Discord isn't the best source."

"Calling me a liar?" Discord asked inside his head.

More like calling you a biased observer, he thought his reply, You may not have noticed something, or cared about it.

"Oh, I will admit, that joke with those two gasbags was funny," Discord added, as if the words were drawn from him with pliers.

"It should be, he's been sulking about it for hours. Then you feeding Celestia," Tom said, "That really got him."

He heard Discord grumbling in the background, but tuned it out as he noted Blueblood approaching the group from behind. The stallion was actually smiling, not the forced 'supermodel' smile he usually used, but a pleasant grin.

"I don't get that," Celly admitted as she turned to concentrate on the Big Guy, so as not to give any signals for or against to her 'multiple grands' nephew. "He was with Fluttershy the entire time, I don't think they said more than 'would you like something from the buffet' and 'yes, thank you' all night. What's he so happy about?"

"Not having to say or listen to anything but 'would you like something from the buffet' and 'yes, thank you' all night," he replied.

"I'll never understand men," she admitted.

"You'll never understand Fluttershy then," he replied, "She also enjoyed it."

Woona giggling at her sister didn't help matters.


Axis of Awesome - The Four Chord Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pidokakU4I

(Journey - Don't Stop Believin')
(James Blunt - You're Beautiful)
(Black Eyed Peas - Where Is the Love)
(Alphaville - Forever Young)
(Jason Mraz - I'm Yours)
(Mika - Happy Ending)
(Alex Lloyd - Amazing)
(Train Hey Soul Sister)
(The Calling - Wherever You Will Go)
(Elton John - Can You Feel the Love Tonight)
(Akon - Nobody Wanna See Us Together)
(John Denver - Take Me Home Country Roads)
(Rob Fusari, Stefani Germanotta - Papparazi)
(U2 - With or Without You)
(The Last Goodnight - Pictures of You)
(Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved)
(Crowded House - Fall at Your Feet)
(Kasey Chambers - Am I Not Pretty Enough)
(The Beatles - Let it Be)
(Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge)
(Daryl Braithwaite - The Horses)
(Bob Marley - No Woman No Cry)
(Marcy Playground - Sex and Candy Lyrics)
(Men at Work - Land down Under)
(Theme from American's Funniest Home Videos)
(Taylor - Jack Johnson)
("Banjo" Paterson - Waltzing Matilda)
(2 Become 1 - Spice Girls)
(A Ha - Take on Me)
(Green Day - When I Come Around)
(Eagle-eye Cherry - Save Tonight)
(Toto - Africa)
(Beyonce - If I Were a Boy)
(Kelly Clarkson - Here I Am)
(Jason Derulo - In My Head)
(Bullet with Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins)
(Joan Osbourne - If God Was One of Us)
(Avril Lavigne - Complicated)
(The Offspring - Self Esteem)
(The Offspring - You're Gonna Go Far Kid)
(Akon - Beautiful)
(Onerepublic - Apologize)
(Eminem - Love the Way You Lie)
(Bon Jovi - It's My Life)
(Pink - You and Your Hand)
(Lady Gaga - Poker Face)
(Aqua - Barbie Girl)
(Red Hot Chili Peppers - Otherside )
(The Gregory Brothers - Double Rainbow Song)
(The Fray - You Found Me)
(30h!3 - Don't Trust Me)
(Mgmt - Kids)
(Tim Minchin - Canvas Bags)
(Sarah Brightman - Time to Say Goodbye)
(Andrea Bocelli - Con Te Partiro)
(Robert Burns - Auld Lang Syne)
(Natalia Imbruglia - Torn)
(Five for Fighting - Superman)
(Axis of Awesome - Birdplane)
(Missy Higgins - Scar)


Next Chapter: 18) And the Fly Eats the Spider Estimated time remaining: 26 Hours, 58 Minutes
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