Smorgasbord II – The Manehattan Incident.

Having escaped the insanity of the Starship Enterprise’s bridge, the ponies found themselves faced with the further insanity of the TARDIS. With an entire world seemingly contained in a small blue box, each pony had their own ways of dealing with the alien culture shock. Twilight Sparkle was fascinated by the science of the time machine. The Great and Powerful Trixie was too distracted by how great and powerful she was. The rest were pretty much just bored and wanted to get back to Equestria already.

The problem was that Equestria was three million years away. Thankfully, the Doctor could speed the journey up significantly.

“So you’re going to take us forward in time and space, and that’ll get us back to Equestria in…?” Rainbow Dash nudged the Doctor for clarification, raising her eyebrows in doubt as she flew around the time rotor and watched the Time Lord hammer away on a myriad of colourful, unlabelled buttons.

“Ten seconds flat!” The Doctor proudly proclaimed, “Give or take a few seconds if she decides to take a detour, of course.”

“She?” Rarity repeated as she lay on a nearby makeshift couch, wearily running a hoof through her wet mane.

“The TARDIS. She sometimes gets sidetracked.” The Doctor replied, biting his lip.

“S-Sidetracked?” Fluttershy whimpered from an unseen corner of the console room.

“Well,” The Doctor smiled nervously, “replace ‘sidetracked’ with ‘lost’ and ‘sometimes’ with ‘usually’. But it’ll be fine! A little adventure is good for the soul!”

“Beggin’ yer pardon Doctor,” Applejack strode up to him, looking up from under her hat, “but we get enough adventure back home in Equestria, so if y’all wouldn’t mind just takin’ us right back home, we ponyfolk can handle the adventurin’ part ourselves, y’hear?”

“I found candy!” Pinkie Pie squealed from underneath the console, ignored by everypony as Twilight Sparkle walked over to Applejack and the Doctor. Having spent her time on the TARDIS so far curiously studying the controls, concept and kookiness of the machine, the prized pupil of Princess Celestia couldn’t hide her intrigue.

“I think we’re making mountains out of molehills AJ,” Twilight said, “I don’t think it would be such a crisis if the TARDIS did get lost. After all, it’s a time machine! If we end up where we don’t want to be, we could just hop back in and try again!”

“Twilight, there’s an old Apple family sayin’, which ah reckon y’all need to hear,” Applejack glared at her friend, “Y’all shouldn’t never go harvestin’ hayseeds when all y’all got are horseapple hunches.”

The Doctor and all the ponies were silent for a brief moment, trying to properly digest what Applejack had just said. There was meaning to it somewhere but not matter how hard they all concentrated, neither of them could figure it out. Their deep thoughts even drowned out Pinkie Pie’s endless squeals about having found candy.

“Err, AJ?” Rainbow Dash got tired of the persistent silence, “What the hay are you talking about?”

“Ah mean y’all are puttin’ a lot of faith in a machine that we just been told won’t even work the way it’s meant to.”

“Applejack for Celestia’s sake, I’m sure the Doctor knows what he’s doing!” Rarity called over from her vantage point beside the bound-and-gagged Trixie.

“Ah ain’t sayin’ nothin’ bad about the Doctor, Rarity!” Applejack retorted through gritted teeth, “Ah was talkin’ about this ‘ere time machine, is all! Ah got a bad feelin’ about this!”

“I found candy!” Pinkie Pie piped up again, holding a Marathon bar in her mouth as she bounced up from under the console. Upon seeing the ancient chocolate, the Doctor’s face was immediately drained of colour. He dived under the console to find an open panel surrounded by exposed circuitry. At the centre of the panel’s interior was a vacant space where the chocolate bar once powered the TARDIS’ High Octane Meshugganator – a vital component for the time machine’s navigation system! Before he could even exclaim in shock, the panel exploded with a bizarre ball of green flame! A series of violent sparks sent the Doctor flying backwards through the air, ricocheting against one of the console room’s columns, and plummeting face first to the floor!

As Rainbow Dash hurriedly tried to perform the Heimlich maneuverer on Pinkie Pie, who had already devoured the precious chocolate bar, Twilight Sparkle rushed over to the Doctor’s side. Panicked, she called his name and nuzzled him to wake up. Turning over his face, everypony was horrified by what they were faced with.

“Doctor!” Twilight Sparkle exclaimed, walking hesitantly backwards, “What happened to your face?”

Rarity fainted as the Doctor stood up and revealed his new skeletal face to everypony in the console room. His shirt and jacket collars were singed with burns, yet his hair and sideburns remained. There was no flesh to speak of and his eyes had vanished.

“I am the Doctor,” the tall skeletal Time Lord spoke with a distorted voice, “and you are all ill.”

“Huh? We’re all perfectly fine Doc, what are you talking about?” Rainbow Dash protested as Fluttershy cowered behind her, petrified by the Doctor’s booming voice – so raspy that it was almost indecipherable; as though a storm was raging in the Doctor’s larynx.

“I am the Doctor,” he reiterated, turning his attention to Rainbow Dash. His neck creaked as he did, sending a chill shooting through the pegasus’ spine like a Wonderbolt, “and I want to help you.”

With those words spoken, the TARDIS console room filled with electrical humming until suddenly, all of the lights went out with a bang! The only source of light was the time rotor, which Twilight Sparkle quickly called for the other ponies to gather around.

“Everypony okay?” Applejack asked, worried more for her friends’ safety than her own.

“The Doc said we’d be back in Equestria in ten seconds flat, so what gives?” Rainbow Dash complained, slamming her hooves on the console.

“Well I can’t spend three million years in total darkness! I can’t even see my own hooves in front of my face!” Rarity proclaimed, as Fluttershy quivered beside her.

“I’m not sure I can spend three more minutes in total darkness!” Fluttershy squeaked.

“Mmm-Mmm-Mmm-Mmm!” Trixie moaned through her ball gag.

“That candy wasn’t too good…” Pinkie writhed against the console, clutching her stomach, “Tasted… kinda… tangy…”

“Well, whatever’s going on, only the Doctor has the answer!” Twilight Sparkle deduced, “So when we find the Doctor, we’ll find out what’s going on!”

As she spoke, the TARDIS doors swung open with a vicious, angry roar! A peachy glow illuminated the console room and a fierce gust of wind swept everypony up in a small hurricane, sending them careering out of the doors and into the void!

***

Free of her binds and staggering onto all fours, Trixie gasped in elation. She recognised this place – It was her family’s Bel Mare Mansion! The Doctor had done it! She was back in Equestria! And seeing as nopony knew where she was, Trixie figured that she probably wouldn’t be reprimanded for her… controversial actions. Smartening up her mane and dusting down her flank, Trixie strode across the elegant country manor grounds the way that only the Great and Powerful Trixie knew how. Kicking open the door as Trixie was always in the habit of doing when she came home from Magic High School, she sang out to her guardian.

“Uncle Filly! Trixie is home!”

“Trixie, where the hay have you been?” Uncle Filly stormed up to Trixie. Uncle Filly’s exaggerated hoof stomps and large girth practically caused the walls of the mansion to shake. The balding, perpetually grumpy mare of the house stood over Trixie and glared at her. “And what did you do with my wagon?”

“Wagon?” Trixie thought back. She had taken Uncle Filly’s classic Marecedes Barnz wagon out one evening during her school days and crashed it without his knowledge. But it was years ago! Was… this a time travel trouble? Was the dumb cowpony… right? “Uncle Filly, puh-lease! The wagon is fine!”

“Oh I’m confident of that, Trixie!” Uncle Filly growled, “Because I’m sure you’re aware how much that wagon cost me, and for your sake, my wagon had better be fine! And for your sake, it had better be sitting in my stable when I walk out the front door of my house to go and see it!”

“W-Wait, Uncle Filly!” Trixie protested, stammering, “Check yourself before you wreck yourself! I feel really, really bad for getting the wagon lost, so how about I clean it up for you before you see it? It’ll be as good as new, you’ll see!”

“BETTER THAN NEW!” Uncle Filly bellowed, towering over Trixie with steam billowing out of his ears in rage.

“Th-The best wagon in all Equestria, sir!” Trixie staggered back towards the front door.

“Better than those in Canterlot?”

“B-Better than Princess Celestia’s own private carriage, sir!”

“All right, Trixie…” Uncle Filly sneered, “Do not let me down!”

With that, Uncle Filly strode slowly backwards into the kitchen, laughing in a manner most maniacal. Trixie was frozen to the spot – This was not her time.

***

Sat at the end of a long trough, Pinkie Pie was still clutching her stomach in agony. Whatever was in that chocolate bar wasn’t really chocolate at all. Perhaps it was once, a long time ago, but it wasn’t chocolate anymore. She lay her chin down and groaned in a manner most uncharacteristic for the pink pony who loved to party. Staring down, Pinkie was strangely nauseated by the trough being full of cupcakes. Somewhere in the distance, concealed by darkness, a fiddler-playing pony could be heard playing and tap dancing on the floor. Pinkie Pie had no idea where she was or why. She just knew that she wanted to leave.

“Ugh…”

A moan was all that Pinkie Pie could muster as the tempo of the fiddler’s music started to speed up at an unbearably higher pitch. At the far end of the trough, an enormous pair of pulsating green eyes stared back at Pinkie. She swallowed hard in fear. The eyes belonged to the largest, thickest, gooiest chocolate cake she had ever seen! It had five layers of decadent sponge and was topped with a chocolate fountain. In between each layer, the cake squelched and belched gallons of creamy melted chocolate. It was still warm; Pinkie recognised the aroma distinctly.

And Pinkie also recognised the cake itself. It was Granny Pie’s birthday cake. It was Granny Pie’s last birthday cake. The night before the party, Pinkie Pie got hungry and indulged in a midnight snack. One slice turned into two slices. Then four. Then eight. And by morning, it had been a midnight feast. Pinkie had helped herself to what would be Granny Pie’s final birthday cake.

There it was once again. But this time, the cake was alive.

Practically spewing hot chocolate sauce everywhere, the centre of the cake opened up to reveal dripping fangs, salivating for Pinkie Pie and hungry for revenge. Too uncomfortable to move, Pinkie Pie could do nothing but what Pinkie Pie did best – giggle. As the cake chomped its way down the trough of cupcakes though, Pinkie Pie’s giggles gradually became whimpers. This had to be a bad dream! It had to be!

***

Sent rolling by the force of the wind through a red velvet curtain, Applejack stumbled onto the stage – head over hooves – and tripped just at the edge. Managing to hold on, Applejack dragged herself up and found herself faced with the back of a large armchair. Rolling her eyes, she stomped her hoof on the stage floor. She had had enough!

“Okay, what in tarnation is going on here?“

“Step backwards,” a familiar immature voice spoke, “onto the X please.”

“Oh, beggin’ yer pardon,” Applejack did so, suddenly jolting back as a microphone stand shot up out of the stage floor in front of her, “what in Celestia’s name is goin’ on around here?”

“An audition.” The voice squeaked. Applejack’s eyes narrowed. She knew that voice!

“An audition? For what? Where are my friends?“

“Yer friends are all facin’ trials,” the high-pitched stranger interrupted, “jus’ lahk you. Yer here t’ audition for the part of Applejack the earth pony in the reality y’all know as ‘Life’. If y’all pass the audition, ya get cured and returned to reality. But if y’all don’t pass, y’all be gettin’ replaced.”

“Replaced?” Rarity raised an eyebrow in bewilderment, “Replaced by who?”

“By yer judge.” The voice replied.

“An’ mah judge would be?”

“Me, sis!”

Startled, Applejack gasped at the sight of Applebloom in the judge’s chair. Her younger sister certainly looked… different. Clad in a velour gown, Applebloom had a sinister grin on her face and was tenderly stroking Applejack’s pet dog, Winona, with an oversized metal claw on her arm.

“Applebloom? Wh-what are y’all doing here? And where are we? What’s goin’ on?” Applejack babbled, flustered.

“The Doctor brought me here!” Applebloom explained, unnervingly cheerful, “Ah’m not sure where ‘here’ is, but he said that all ah had to do was sit here an’ await yer… umm… in-eb-ree-a-shun… or somethin’…”

“OBLITERATION!” The Doctor’s voice boomed from the heavens.

“Obliteration! Yeah! An’ once that happens, I’ll get yer cutie mark! Handed down through the family!”

With an abrupt boom, a large spotlight struck the area where Applejack stood. Shaking the dust out of her line of vision with a hoof, Applejack was faced with just about the most confusing situation she had ever been in. Auditioning for her life? What would happen to her if she didn’t pass the audition? One thing was for sure to Applejack – this wasn’t the Applebloom she knew and loved. It couldn’t possibly be. This was something that the Doctor had done. Whatever was going on, Applejack was going to fight for her cutie mark!

“All right then,” Applejack straightened her brow, defiantly, “what do ah need to do?”

***

“Hello?” Rainbow Dash called out as she glided cautiously through the deserted rainbow factory, “Anypony home?”

This was totally creepy, Rainbow Dash thought. There was no reason why the rainbow factory was left deserted. There was no reason why it even should be deserted! The Doctor said that he would take the ponies back to Equesteria and return them to a point in time a little closer to when they left than when they would’ve been able to return in real time. The eerie silence of the rainbow factory suggested that this truly was the Cloudsdale of three million years into the future. As Rainbow Dash peered around every column and checked out each corner, she grew more concerned for the fate of her fellow pegasi. Where were they? Three million years sounded like a long time. Were the pegasi… extinct?

Shaking her head angrily, Rainbow Dash refused to let herself get sucked into such a crackpot theory. There had to be an explanation! A rational one!

Looking out the window, Rainbow Dash received her explanation! To her relief, everypony was safe and sound outside the factory. They were gathering on one of the largest clouds, which was typically an indication that some kind of fire drill was going on. Thinking that she should probably file in with her fellow pegasi, Rainbow Dash raced outside and joined some of her pony friends at the meeting point.

“Raindrops! Derpy! Thank goodness!” Rainbow Dash whispered as she squeezed in between the two mail mares, “What’s going on? Runaway stormcloud?”

“N-Not exactly, R-Rainbow Dash…” Derpy stammered, sounding deeply troubled.

“Well, what’s the emergency code?” Rainbow Dash asked Raindrops who, much like Derpy, was staring straight up overhead.

“I don’t think Cloudsdale has an emergency code for that!” Raindrops spluttered in terror as she pointed higher into the heavens. Finally following suit, Rainbow Dash looked up too and was immediately petrified by what she saw. It was a planet! A giant metal planet! A giant metal planet with pinchers! It hovered over Cloudsdale, causing the clouds and factories to rumble and shake more aggressively as it slowly got closer. A beam of light emanated from the heart of the planet as it spoke.

“I am Unicron!” The planet’s voice boomed, “And I am the instrument of your destruction!”

Rainbow Dash gulped as her eyes widened. Some days just weren’t worth waking up for.

***

Diving into the bushes to ensure that she wouldn’t be spotted, Fluttershy had spent what had seemed like an eternity running for her life. The forest she was in was beautiful, lush and verdant, but completely unrecognisable, which was nerve-racking enough given that Fluttershy knew her way around every area of forestry in Equestria.

Even more worrying however, was the pair of glowing circles that followed her every move from the second she woke up.

And what was even more worrying than that was the absence of her friends. Fluttershy hoped that they were scattered somewhere within the garden, but the further she ran and the deeper into the forest she found herself, the less likely that seemed to be. Fluttershy wasn’t just scared; she was petrified! There weren’t even any animals that she could make friends with and ask for help from. This forest was completely unlike anything she had ever seen!

Shivering within a myriad of leaves and vines, Fluttershy could hear her invisible chaser calling out.

“This is the voice of the Mysterons… We know that you can hear us, Fluttershy.”

Grabbing her mouth to stop herself squealing, Fluttershy was now even more scared. They’d been just calling her ‘pony’ until now! How did they know her name? And what did they want with her?

And what did they do with her friends?

***

“Okay Lady Rarity, you can open your eyes now!”

“Oh… my stars, I look incredible!”

Rarity had no time to contemplate how she came to be fitted for a wedding gown. She was much to busy enjoying being fitted for a wedding gown! Oh sure, it didn’t make sense and she had no idea why a parade of unicorns were lavishing her with compliments, sequins and diamonds, but Rarity wasn’t about to complain about such pampering! Maybe the TARDIS did get a little lost and dropped Rarity off in her future? Did it really matter? The Doctor and his time machine had very graciously helped Rarity fast-forward to the happiest day of her life! What could possibly go wrong?

“You look beautiful Lady Rarity,” a unicorn praised her, “and I’m sure Prince Blueblood will think just the same when he meets you at the altar!”

Rarity felt her eyelids begin to twitch.

***

As soon as she landed with a thud, Twilight Sparkle wasted no time trying to get her bearings. Through the thick fog, she could just about make out the city of Manehattan! Only… it was in ruins.

Twilight galloped to the edge of the docks and stared out, but couldn’t see another soul for miles. The buildings had toppled and every landmark had been disintegrated. Looking up, Twilight saw the chocolate rain fall in sheets as thick as lead. Immediately, she knew exactly who was behind this. As she spun around to search out her nemesis, Twilight found herself face to knees with an old friend.

“Doctor!” Twilight addressed him. The Doctor was still bearing the damage of the explosion on-board the TARDIS. His clothes were singed and his skin was missing, yet his hair remained in perfect condition. “I think I know who’s behind this!”

“I will show you heaven.” The Doctor announced, again in a disturbing, distorted manner, “What your mind has been keeping from you.”

“Doctor, can’t you hear me?” Twilight asked, as the river behind her began to boil and the ground rumbled. Her head started to ache from the vibrations and noise overwhelming her senses. “We need to find Princess Celestia! We need the Elements of Harmony! Where are my friends?”

“Your Princess is scared.” The Doctor proclaimed. “Your friends are weak. Trapped by their fates. Now you face yours. You can not hide. You are ill. I am the Doctor and I have cured you.”

Turning back to the water, bracing herself for the enemy she expected to see, Twilight Sparkle watched as a serpentine beast rose from the deep with a mighty yawn. In the midst of the awakening, a shot rang out! Twilight fell to the ground and looked over to where the Doctor’s skeletal body lay, unconscious, with a precisely aimed hole in the centre of his forehead. Stunned and confused, Twilight turned back to the river, where she saw – sitting atop a familiar style-conscious sea serpent - a mature, muscular Spike clutching a shotgun.

“Welcome home, Twilight.” Spike growled with a smile, whilst Twilight started to feel faint.

To Be Exaggerated.