Out of Place - Out of Sight Part 2

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

"Sound the Bugle" - Bryan Adams

Sound the bugle now - tell them I don't care
There's not a road I know - that leads to anywhere
Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark
Lay right down - decide not to go on

Then from on high - somewhere in the distance
There's a voice that calls, "Remember who you are"
If you lose yourself - your courage soon will follow
So be strong tonight - remember who you are
Yeah you're a soldier now - fighting in a battle
To be free once more - yeah, that's worth fighting for

The door frame opens upward, and an all too familiar face enters. "What have we here?" Discord asks as the rest of his body rejoins the face, "A crazy pony? Things are looking up."

I look at the ceiling. "Naw, just the usual tile. I tried painting eyes up there, but they whitewashed them."

His ears flatten as he glares. "Who's the comedian here?"

"You aren't, that leaves me," I tell him.

"Oh you're very clever," he deadpans, "Not."

"Hey, I'm insane, what's your excuse? Mother use you as a can opener once too often?"

His grim expression indicates I'm scoring, and he isn't used to it. "Do you know what I am?" he asks, as if I should.

"Sure, you're a hallucination. I'm crazy, not stupid. Although my hallucinations are usually more interesting. For example, if you're going for asymmetry, your eyes shouldn't be the same color. Most of my hallucinations don't make that kind of amateur mistake."

He growls as I walk away from him and look out the window.

"No, I'm not going to ask him that!" I insist, then wait a moment, "It's impolite." "I didn't say you were wrong, I said it was impolite." I throw up my hooves. "All right, I'll ask. But it'll just be a horse laugh." I turn and face the angry creature. "Excuse me, sir. Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?"

"Enough of this," Discord barks, and he touches me.

The effect is electric, but the Equestrians don't have the rich tradition of the trickster archetype that humans do: Raven, Coyote, Loki, Bugs Bunny, even God Himself. The thread of power twists into me. Instead of trying to drive it out or evade it, I mystically grab hold, and pull. I drink deep of the possibilities and disorder, and the power to make them so. The thread becomes a torrent and the room around us twists and shivers. The horror on his face makes the revolting, writhing feeling coursing through me all worth it. I'm not getting more than a dust mote of his full power, but being parasitized is not something he's used to.

He yanks his hand back and makes the mistake of looking at it, rather than at me. A moment later, he's on his back, on a leather couch.

"Now, Herr Discord, ve vill tak on yourrr felinks uv inferrriority," I say, and adjust my pipe as I sit back in my overstuffed chair.

He's off the couch and behind it. "Oh no, I've made you a psychotherapist."

"Psychiatrrrist," I tell him, lifting a hypodermic that a battleship would have trouble firing, "Iz chust to make you feel all floaty, ja?"

"Let me fix you!" he touches me again, stripping me of much of the stolen power I still had, and 'realigning' me to how I had been, although he does a shoddy job of it. Then he's through the door and gone.

For several minutes, I stand there. The foulness of Discord's touch, power and thoughts sickens me. Bits of his power, and his attitude persist, like grout stuffed into the crack in my mind and soul. The side-effect has me disoriented. I am sure that the floor is writhing and shifting under my feet. Worse, the room shifts before my eyes, but not in harmony with what my legs are reporting. I stand there, shivering, nauseated and trying to control my racing heartbeat and breathing. Maybe a few minutes, maybe an hour, maybe a handful of seconds. I don't know.

I advance slowly. Keep going kid. You won round one on points, I tell myself, It isn't the real thing, not yet.

I manage to make it to my hidey-hole under the windows. I move in slow-motion. Taking extra care with everything when none of my senses report the same thing. The boards come away as easily as they always had. I look down, and smile. The universe settles and comes back into fine focus. The case is exactly as I envisioned it. Fine, polished and oiled wood, although the grain swirls seem to move when you aren't looking directly at them, and the symbol of a golden apple inscribed with 'For the Fairest', rather than the original Greek inscription.

Because fair has more meanings that beautiful, I think as I hold my breath, not due to my diminishing nausea, but in expectation. I press the apple to unlock it. Inside the case are the 'rings': open loops of thick wire that could be a tiara or a necklace, or bent to be a bracelet or an earring, each a different color: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, white and black. "Two rings for the ponies who brave the sky, two for the ponies of earth and stones, two for ponies with their horns held high, two for the alicorns on their lonely thrones."

I note the craftsmanship of the creation of my mind, while I held the merest hint of his power. "I beat you, you bastard," I whisper, "I beat you." I set the Elements of Chance aside and look at the last. While not ruling the others, it is separate and nearly as powerful. I heat it slightly, causing the letters to flare. "Got to admire Sauron's penmanship," I joke as the filigree of fire reads: 'In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade, and he carries the reminders of ev'ry glove that laid him down or cut him till he cried out, in his anger and his shame, 'I am leaving, I am leaving'. But the fighter still remains.'

I return the Elements, and Glory's gift to the hidey-hole and walk somewhat unsteadily to the door. Outside, is as bad as the show displayed Ponyville. Architecture looks like Picasso's Guernica and Dali's The Persistence of Memory as mixed by M. C. Escher. Straight lines are gone, everything being a curve or a squiggle. The sense of perspective is off, windows seem to lean in, while the wall they were set in seems to lean out. The patterns on the floor move and shift, confusing the eye as to whether they are rising, falling or level. Since that has nothing to do with the actual state of the floor, I ignore it.

What has been done to the ponies, I cannot ignore. Two ponies who it was joked were inseparable, now truly are, two heads with their necks joined, sit in the middle of the corridor, rolling from side to side as if the corridor rocked. I have no idea how they remain alive. A whimper comes from a goldfish bowl half-full of jellybeans. I trot over, and on each bean are a pair of eyes and a little mouth.

"Please don't eat any more of me," the beans plead in the voice of the palace confectionaire, a rotund pony always complaining about her weight. If the bowl had started out full, she is down to skin and bones now. While holding the beans in place, I upend the bowl onto the table they are on, then fuse the bowl to the table and punch a few air holes in it.

"Thank you," the beans say.

I march along. I catch sight of Princess Cadence, as a eight-legged pony-spider, throwing lengths of sticky thread, to glue ponies together 'in the bonds of love'. The lack of spooky laughter makes it more frightening, not less. Benevolent Warrior and Furniture Maker have been caught, and race around in circles, oddly mirroring their usual life.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" thunders from in front of one of the broom closets. Mile Stone, resplendent in his uniform, bellows at any pony who gets too close.

I force down my anger, and consider. I race down the hall and look out the great picture window. The one overlooking a 150-foot drop. The window is gone, and the drop, if anything has been magnified. The trees below are burning spikes now.

No wonder they only showed what went on in Ponyville, I think and run back.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Mile Stone thunders at me as I approach.

"Yeah, yeah, got it," I say as I levitate the sergeant and place him in front of the missing window.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" He moves to block any access to the wide-open and possibly lethal drop.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" he shouts almost directly in my face.

"Old friend, I pray God you remember nothing, but if you take anything from what happens, know this, even in the depths of madness, you served your uniform, and your princesses with resolution and valor."

For an instant, he's ready to shout, then a single tear runs down his cheek. "You shall not pass," he whispers.

"I can't promise that old friend, but on my life I promise, you will be free," I turn and gallop away.

I have murder on my mind when a half-dozen hooves drag me off the main hall. I'm suddenly facing a terrified Brushcut I am a second away from dispatching. Neanderpony and Claire quickly pull me away from him.

"Has he gone nuts?" a pegasus of Luna's Night Guard asks.

"You were their fourth for the barbershop quartet?" I ask as I try and get my bearings.

"He's no more nuts than usual," Claire says, while Neanderpony tries to buck up Brushcut after almost having his skull crushed.

"Look, Sylvian Springs, was it?" I ask, "What's going on, aside from Discord being loose and everything going back to a thousand years ago, is a lot of ponies need help."

"This is what you meant when you talked about what their Highnesses faced!" Brushcut said, "You knew about this?"

"Enough to know how to beat him. I've already got three plans in place, and two of them running. I just need to check the third."

"Horse-apples," the pegasus says, "Nothing can beat that thing."

"I'm not going to 'beat' it," I tell him, very close and very quiet, "I'm going to rip out his living guts, and use them to grease the gears of my fliers. I am going to hold on to him by the nose and kick him in the ass."

He wilts a bit, but rallies. "Big talk now, but you haven't faced him."

"He came into my room, zortched me like he has others, realized his mistake, unzortched me, and ran away," I told him, "On Celestia's name, I am telling you the whole truth."

The poor pegasus' eyes go wide, and he trembles.

Claire draws me away. "None of us have been touched, and we don't want to be," she says quietly, "But we have to get out there and do something to help."

"How many kids' songs do you remember?" I ask, "The really disgusting ones."

"A bunch," Neanderpony says, ignoring his wife's glare, "And there's a lot of marching cadences that are like that. Marching in mud, eating bugs, that kind of thing?"

"Exactly," I say, and grin. "Just walk out there and help. But sing those songs like a barbershop quartet."

"You're out of your mind," Brushcut says.

"I've never been more lucid," I tell him coldly.

"That in itself is frightening," Claire says, "What if he stops us, what if he confronts us?"

"Keep moving and keep singing," I tell them. "He isn't going to know every pony he's zapped, and he isn't going to care, as long as you're already crazy in an entertaining way. And singing disgusting, campfire songs ought to put you in that category."

"What if it doesn't work?" the pegasus asks as he looks around, "What if he catches us anyway?"

"He's going to catch you hiding, because that attracts his attention." I tell him, "If you want safety, the safest thing is look like you've already been victimized. He's not likely to zap you again. And if you're effectively invisible, that's the best kind of hiding."

"We'll do it," Brushcut says firmly, "What you said in, to the NLR, me and Neanderpony heard it. This is what you were talking about?"

I nod. Not minding the repetition. "Don't worry, it'll be over in - " The sunlight faded, and the moonlight came on. A few moments later the sun was back. "I was going to say two days, but that could be five minutes from now. Forty-eight hours, and this will be handled. Or we'll all be dead, including him. Celestia and Luna may have to wait a while, but they should be able to put all the pieces back together again."

"You're going to blow up the whole planet?" the pegasus asks.

"It's just a matter of tricking it into thinking it's a sun," I tell him, "It'll realize the mistake a second later, but it will take care of him."

"And us," Neanderpony exclaims.

"Do you want your kids growing up in this world, or the one without him that will come after?"

"Without," Claire says, "Thank you. Where are their Highnesses?"

"I haven't seen them," I admit, "Which has me rather worried."

"That has you worried?" the pegasus says from the edge of hysteria, "Fighting D - him, doesn't worry you. Blowing up the world doesn't worry you. But not finding their Highnesses does?"

"I need to apologize for blowing up the planet, and I'll be in no condition to after."

Claire snorts. Neanderpony smiles and shakes his head.

"I think I know why he 'unzortched' you," Brushcut says sourly, "He hates competition."

I nod vigorously, and head down the corridor, to the four-part harmony of the Equestrian version of 'Greasy, Grimy Gopher Guts', something about eating chocolate-covered, rabbit poop.

A few random dashes are getting me nowhere, I think, I have to be systematic. I watch a table with pony hooves race by, pursued by a flying watering can.

"To the extent it's possible," I say, then practice a couple of Pinkie-bounces. It's easier than I thought.

Time to test my own advice, I think and remember the song I'd taught Octavia. If I get back home, I'll have to remember to send the SherclopPones a thank you note. I start Pinkie-bouncing down the hallway.

"When you're rife with devastation, there's a simple explanation: You're a toymaker's creation trapped inside a crystal ball.
"And whichever way he tilts it, know that we must be resilient. We won't let them break our spirits as we sing this silly song."

Discord steps out of a cross corridor. Attracted by some pony happily singing. It's hilarious as his look of expectation slowly changes to realization as he focuses on the words of the song and their implications.

"When I was a little filly, a galloping blaze overtook my city.
"So they shipped me off to the orphanage. Said, 'ditch those roots if you wanna fit in'
"So I dug one thousand holes and cut a rug with orphan foals
"Memories are blurred, and their faces are obscured, but I still, know the words to this song."

He recognizes me, and now he's terribly confused. "I thought I fixed you," he says as I head around a corner and continue my search.

"When you've bungled all your bangles, and your loved ones have been mangled, listen to the jingle jangle of my gypsy tambourine."

I catch Discord's reflection and his mystified expression as I continue. He shakes his head and goes elsewhere. Somewhere inside me, I felt him. I grin as I realize, I can track him, with the remnants of the chaos he inflicted on me that still cling to me.

" 'Cause these chords are hypnotizing and the whole world's harmonizing, so please children stop your crying and just sing along with me."

I approach a grand piano with a cello standing against it.

"When you're rife with devastation, there's a simple explanation: You're a toymaker's creation trapped inside a crystal ball.
"And whichever way he tilts it, know that we must be resilient. We won't let them break our spirits as we sing this silly song."

The piano begins playing that song, soon joined by the cello as I stop to listen. For a few moments I stand there, singing along with their accompaniment.

"When I was a little filly, a galloping blaze overtook my city.
"So they shipped me off to the orphanage. Said, 'ditch those roots if you wanna fit in'
"So I dug one thousand holes and cut a rug with orphan foals
Memories are blurred, and their faces are obscured, but I still, know the words to this song."

It's a tiny moment of defiance, amid the sea of insanity. It's still insanity, but it's ours: a harmless silliness instead of the incoherent frenzy around us.

"When you've bungled all your bangles, and your loved ones have been mangled, listen to the jingle jangle of my gypsy tambourine."

I find myself crying, tears of relief. Celestia feared the loss of the dreamers. Here are two, who refuse to be Discord's puppets, despite his destroying them in nearly every possible way.

" 'Cause these chords are hypnotizing and the whole world's harmonizing, so please children stop your crying and just sing along with me."

"Thank you," I tell them, before racing off to continue my search.

I'm skating around the upper floors of the castle, using singing silly, off-kilter songs to blend into Discord's background. I've seen him twice and neither time has he paid me any mind. I've found out a few new and useful things.

"There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium
And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium (inhale)
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium."

The windows are gimmicked, so if you jump out one, you wind up coming through the window opposite. Note to self, speaking of iodine, I need to find some for these cuts. Through the window means just that.

"There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium
And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium
And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium and barium."

I also spotted the quartet. He'd tied their tails together, but has otherwise left them alone to rescue other ponies. I have no idea what the outcome of Twilight and her corrupted friends has been. Nor have I been able to find Luna or Celestia. Nor can I find Celestia's quarters, to put the plan to return Twilight's friendship reports in action myself.

"There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium
And phosphorous and francium and fluorine and terbium
And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium,
Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium
And lead, praseodymium, and platinum, plutonium,
Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium, and
Tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium, (inhale)
And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium."

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

I'm four floors above you. I'll pass if I want, I think and mentally stick out my tongue at the myrmidon far below.

"There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium
And also mendelevium, einsteinium and nobelium
And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium
And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper,
Tungsten, tin and sodium."

What was it Professor Lehrer said, 'Useful in a bizarre set of circumstances'? I think this very much qualifies.

"These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard,
And there may be many others but they haven't been discovered."

I hear a whimper and cut a turn to investigate. I am quickly reminded why I never enjoyed ice skating as I sprawl on the floor and slam into the wall. In a small, side corridor I see one of the people I've been searching for. I get up with as much dignity as I can, and walk over to where Luna is hiding.

"Barnum?" she asks worriedly. No longer the co-ruler of Equestria, but a very frightened filly.

"The same," I say seriously. "Camouflage," I explain.

She nods nervously. "I can't find 'Tia, and without the Elements, there's no chance."

"Can you find Celestia's quarters? Specifically Twilight's friendship reports?"

"The room's locked, and I can't break through. Every time I try . . . he shows up," she fearfully whispers the last.

"Pick a window opposite the window in the room and jump through it. You'll come through the window opposite."

"How do you know that?"

"I saw it, then tested it a few times on different floors," I tell her.

"I was wondering what happened to you," she comments on the myriad cuts and scratches I wear, a little bit of her old spark is back. "But what good would sending those reports back do? He broke Twilight, and she failed to rally the other element bearers. Even if they find the Elements, they won't be able to use them." She considers. "If they switch? Like that dream?"

I shake my head. "Get those reports dispatched," I tell her. It's like a bell tolled. I know. "He's coming. Leave him to me. Those reports are the only thing that matters!" I hiss. And run out into the corridor.

Luna steps out carefully, fearfully looking in all directions. It's all I can do not to scream at her to hurry. She freezes as Discord appears between us.

My grin is positively feral. Perfect!

"Well, well, I've dispatched the bearers, and poor Twilight is brokenhearted. All her friends turned against her," he says cheerfully, then more darkly, "And the Elements won't save you this time."

I'm at a gallop, moving faster than I ever have on the ground. All the ponies, all the people, all my friends he's hurt rise up before me. They push me past anger to a crystal-clear place where thought and action are one. Nothing distracts me, no emotion hinders me, not anger, not fear, not even concern for Luna and the plan. I open my jaw wide. Too long I've played at being a pony. Too long I've been a protected kid. I'm human, I'm an adult. I'm a man, and when I strike, even the gods are uneasy.

The leap carries me onto his back. I close my jaws on the wing root before all four hooves slam into him. I bite with all the force I can muster, and pull on the wing for all I'm worth.

"Yeoowich! Hey, I'm attached to that!" Discord exclaims as he turns to face his attacker. But I'm standing on him, so until he cranes his neck around and over, we spin.

I release my bite and hold onto his wing with both forehooves. "THIS IS MY ICE CREAM!" I scream at Luna, who stares at me in shock. "YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY!"

Discord brings his head back around close to look at me. I bite his little goatee and tug.

"It's even got sprinkles. Why does everypony always freeze ice-cream til it's hard as a brick? Drives me crazy," I tell her between clenched teeth. I release his goatee and glare at Luna. "HASN'T ANYBODY IN THIS NUSTO PLACE EVER HEARD OF SOFT-SERVE!?"

Discord checks his goatee and looks over at Luna in confusion.

"Look at the time, I have to give a dragon indigestion!" She effectively vanishes, leaving only dust and retreating speedlines.

Discord plucks me off his back, by getting his eagle hand too close. I change targets and begin gnawing his wrist.

"Heresy, 'but Celestia likes ice cream you can break rocks with'. Because she's never tried mine, mine I tell you, MINE!" I mumble as I gnaw, "If she hates it so much, why does she steal it all, why does she keep stealing my machines? Because she wants it, she needs it! And so I create only for her, bwahahaha!"

"I like crazy, but this guy's an overachiever," Discord says to someone.

"Luna! You can't fool me! This is my ice cream!" I shout between bites.

Discord tires of the game and materializes a bowl of ice cream, pulls me off his arm and practically drowns me in the bowl. He summons several more as I finish off the first. I'm glad of the cold. My teeth and jaws ache.

"Say," he says, then disguises his voice, sounding like Q doing a bad Picard impression. "What do you think of the Prince of Chaos, Discord?"

I look around worriedly. "Ice cream can't talk, ice cream can't talk, ice cream can't talk."

He slaps his face, then tries again. "This is your conscience speaking."

"The ice cream was mine! I paid for it!"

"Can we forget about ice cream for a moment?" he shouts in frustration.

"Of course, I ate it all." I start sniffing and drooling. "But," I say with frenzied tones, "I can smell more."

He retreats to the ceiling, and conjures a kitchen sink-sized bowl filled with an ice-cream sundae worthy of a royal wedding feast. He practically drops it on my head. "Now about Discord," he continues in his pseudo-Picard.

"What about Mr. Predictable?" I ask as I sample.

"Predic - " he squeals in his own voice, then back to disguised, "What do you mean predictable?"

"Okay. He lures the Element Bearers out to the hedge maze, and probably had the Elements somewhere else. Good plan, but plan is the operative word. Predictable."

"But you can't know the intricacies of the plan," he tells me. With smugness thick enough to stop a charging rhino.

"Oh, let's see. Applejack, probably tells her all about the dangers of always being truthful. How the truth sometimes hurts. Poor mare doesn't get the difference between honesty and truthfulness. So that's one."

"Rainbow Dash, another easy one, catch her between two loyalties. Say, her home and the world. Instant Traitor Dash, ready to serve five with a defeat."

Discord's jaw hits the ground and bounces several times, each with the sound of a car horn. "Lucky guess."

"Pinkie Pie, teach her how painful it is to be laughed at, rather than laughed with. Suddenly the party pony hates any laughter, because she realizes all her guests have been laughing at her all this time. Rarity. Hmm. I swear, that mare loves gems so much, if she found a big enough rock, she'd marry it."

Discord growls and rages incoherently for at least a quarter of the huge sundae. When he can speak with his disguised voice, "You're guessing. How do you know these things?"

"I'm insane, I'm not stupid," I reply between bites of ice cream.

"Ah ha! Fluttershy! I bet you can't figure out how I - he broke Fluttershy."

"Probably the stupidest thing he could think of. Release her pent-up anger at having to have people always underestimate her, think she's a pushover because she likes to be soft and small. That mare's really only afraid of one thing: losing control of her emotions. Her love, her anger, as long as they are balanced, she's okay. Tip the balances, and she might even try to take a bite out of Discord. I know, nobody would be crazy enough to try that, but she might."

"Twilight Sparkle," he says with irritation.

"Let her friends act like jerks, and worse not take her and the situation seriously. She'll go high-order then and there."

"AUGH!" he shouts and vanishes. But I still feel him somewhere in the castle.

Okay, now the era of buying Luna time to finish, and Twilight to recover her friends, I think.

"Be vewy, vewy quiet, I'm hunting Discords. Aha ha ha ha."

I find him in the main hall. Luna is there and in a fury. Discord holds a white dog that looks like a morbidly obese dachshund, or a toy poodle with the thickest coat in the world. The dog's feet have jewelry resembling the 'shoes' Celestia wears, and she wears a tiara like Celestia's.

"THAT'S MY ICE CREAM!" I scream as I charge.

"Not you again!" Discord says as he tosses the dog away. Luna leaps up and spreads her wings to catch it, then flies out of the room.

Discord fires several bolts, but I zigzag away from them. But as I close, I think, It's going to make his job -

-Easier. I, as a flock of sparrows, think. I hold enough awareness scattered through dozens of tiny bodies. I squawk a warcry and descend on him, soon dozens of beaks and claws attack from all directions. He swats futilely at me/us for a few moments, then manifests a net. With a few swipes, he collects all of us/me. But not before one of us craps in his eye.

He drops the net and swears as he tries to wipe the irritating bird crap off. He gets it off, and turns to smash what his net has caught, only to discover the net is empty. "Oh no." Half the flock lets fly, the other hand dives in to attack. He dances across the throne room floor, and manifests another net. He catches the entire flock in one swipe. "So what are you gonna do now?" he asks. Then sees the birds with the chainsaws.

He throws the net in the air and fires from the hip. Playing Western gunslinger, he thinks.

I feel the magic trying to twist me into something else. But I still have enough of his stolen power to tweak the change slightly. Instead of a trash can, I land as a pint-sized '52 Cadillac. Another blast, but instead of bees, I'm a drum of honey. Another, and instead of a goat, I'm an undersized elephant. Again, instead of an envelope, I'm Derpy Hooves.

I'm running out of power, I realize as the stolen reserves are depleting, and I can't absorb more than a trifle of what he's using. Then he summons a big one, no finger snapping, no one-hand waving. He's doing a full up, two-handed wind up and the pitch. There's more than I can hold, but I feel the intent, and twist it ever so slightly. The chaos, irrespective of what its master wants, eagerly drags me along with my plan, filling me with power so for a while, I can bedevil him. Heh, even his own power hates his guts, I realize, Who'da thunk it? The transformation completes.

"Ehh. What's up, Doc?" I ask, and munch my carrot nonchalantly, "Say Doc, you got any carrot cake to go with the ice cream?"

"NO!" he screams and runs in terror.

I jog after him, intent on giving him a smack-down worthy of the icon I wear. "Ain't I a stinker?" But remnants of a demolished grand piano and a cello stop me. Every string is broken, even the bow is snapped in two. I lean down and run my hand through the wreckage. I stand and set out again. "Of course you know, this means war."

I couldn't hold it, not forever, but 'Bugs' kept Discord on the run but interested for long enough. I hope.

I'm back as a pony when I hear, "It's done."

I glance back and look at Luna who asks, "Right after I left with 'Tia. Now, we buy time?"

I nod. By my estimates, we've bought Twilight and the others fifty-six minute. Kept him away from his 'capital of chaos' and left them room to find the Elements, recover the bearers, and mass for their counterattack. It might be enough, I think, Or they might need more. I decide to risk it.

"Are you ready? Once more into the breech?" I ask.

"If you think I'm getting into your pants, think again," Luna says, and give a wan smile.

"Let's get him," I growl and head off to the trace of him I can still just feel.

This is going to be pure manipulation, I realize, I don't have any chaos energy left. Ave Celestia. Morituri nos salutamus.

Discord reacts with disgust as he sees me again. "Go away! Here's your ice cream!"

Aut non, I think as a sea of steel bowls full of ice-cream appear between the two of us. Luna doesn't stop in time, and soon is clattering about with a bowl on every hoof.

Discord falls off his throne laughing. Only a glare from me reminds her we're buying time. Our lives, our dignity are secondary, time and as much as we can buy, that's what matters.

Begrudgingly, she clumsily clatters around with the bowls on her feet, slipping and sliding a bit as the steel gives no purchase on the marble floors.

Discord finally rights himself, and with tears flowing down his cheeks, exclaims, "Luna, why couldn't you be this funny before, think of the games we could have played."

Luna shakes off the bowls and stands to confront him. Her obdurate expression gives way to cunning. "Because Celestia was more fun than you, and a greater trickster than you."

"What?" he exclaims with amazement, "Miss Grim Sourpants, a greater trickster than moi?" He turns to face me. "What have you been feeling her?"

"Potato salad," Luna and I say together. Discord frowns at that.

"She is right you know. The chocolate rain, and the giant apples, a good start," I tell him, "But then the weird animals. The key to comedy is, timing."

"Timing," Luna adds.

I clear my throat. "You're predictable. Not in a micro-sense of what crazy thing are you going to do next, but a macro-sense of what is you going to do overall. The people of this castle are clear proof. A faction in this castle is plotting against the ruler. You'd turn half of them into ficuses, the other half into hungry goats and let nature take its course. Brutal, and honestly, only funny to you. Celestia tricked them into demanding things she'd wanted permission to give them all along. So you they'll run away from, her they're still wondering if they won or lost."

"You should have stopped at the chocolate rain," Luna adds, as if to a clueless but promising student. "What's the fun in hurting ponies? Isn't it more fun watching them adapt to what has happened? If a button turns the building upside down, isn't it more fun watching them get used to it, then shut it off and watch them rage that the building doesn't turn upside down any more? Isn't confusion and frustration, and discovery, more fun than agony and terror, and certainty?"

"Has he told you what he has stashed back in his little hidey-hole?" Discord asks. "That imp stole some of my limitless power, and crafted his own Elements of Chaos."

"Barnum?!" Luna exclaims as she stares at me.

"Elements of Chance, actually," I reply, "A bane of pigeonholing, not harmony. Eight items." I glare at Discord. "The damage he did to this world should have healed in a thousand years, but still the seasons must be changed manually, the weather managed, snowflakes hand-crafted, and I realized that it was due to a distinct lack of chaos."

"See! See! I am needed," Discord says, he materializes a 'Discrod for Chief Cook and Bottlewasher' banner with a fanfare of kazoos. He `notices` the spelling and snaps his fingers to correct it. "And you stole that amazingly boring couplet," Discord says, "You aren't the first to arrive here unannounced, and you won't be the last. But that's another universe, and not here."

"But the offered cure is worse than the disease," I tell Luna, "So I crafted an alternative. Chaos, but creative, playful, life-affirming. And only as destructive as the Element of Harmony. But with them, you can heal the damage and allow things to merely happen on their own. Harmony and Chance are not mutually exclusive. And there will be some apparent order in the chaos."

"Bah, what fun is that?" Discord says, he leans forward, almost touching me, then draws back. "Now, for such a good try, I could return you home, if you agree to serve me."

I don't hesitate. "Raw, stir-fried, boiled or baked?" I ask.

"Oh droll. I meant agree to work for me. And after a few jobs, and a few years, I can send you back where you came from," Discord drawls, "I like your Elements of Chaos idea. It's that kind of thinking that I savor."

"Barnum, please, no," Luna pleads.

"Can I have Luna and Celestia, restored and as my personal play things?" I ask. I don't look at Luna.

"Uggh, boring, other than the obvious, what would you want them for?" Discord asks.

"Isn't the obvious enough? After a hard day of putting up with a spoiled child, I'd want to talk to adults," I reply.

"I'm offering you the way home," Discord says dangerously, "A limited-time offer, and one I know Celestia didn't give you."

"Because, oh omniscience one, I never asked," I tell him, "You can't tempt me with something that holds no attraction. You forget, I want to manipulate this world too. But I can't use my omnipotent powers, I have to use my brains. And it's even more fun to get them to want the changes I offer. But you wouldn't know about that."

I realize my mistake the moment I said it. Discord wants an audience for his chaos, but he doesn't want the audience to participate, or god-forbid, the victims to `improve` it. They are only there to applaud.

"Begone!" he says and flicks his hand.

I'm soaring through the air. I slam into one of the columns of the Great Hall, which rings and lights up. My back and legs are on fire from the ricochet. The second lights up and rings, but now the leg pain is almost unnoticeable. Replaced with a pain in my head so bad I can barely think. Eight more columns I hit, each sounds like the bumper on a pinball game, and I end up heading straight for Mile Stone, the missing window, and the burning spikes beyond.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Sends me soaring in another direction.

I swear he put extra oomph in that one, I think as I'm sent spinning through the air into the throne room. I crash into the edge of the stairs leading up to the throne proper, and splat on the audience floor beneath.

I lie there. I can't feel anything beyond my shoulders, which is probably good, because if the latrine odor I smell is any indication, I'm hurt very badly.

A ball rolls up to my nose. The next thing I perceive is a wet, doggy tongue slobbering on me. I focus on the white, very wide dog in front of me. "Puppy play with Celly?" the dog asks, practically Pinkie-bouncing in her excitement. "Or," she says sadly, peering at me, "Is Puppy all broken?"

"Puppy is just very, very tired," I reply, "But Puppy can play for a little while." I bat the ball away with my hoof, and she turns on the smooth, slippery floor and runs after it.

I glance up, and can't see my horn, which explains the blinding headache. I probably broke it off in the impacts, or the landing, I think as Celly charges back, ball in mouth. She drops it in front of me, and wags her tail so energetically, her whole body shakes. I feint one way, and bat it another. She tears off at the feint, then skitters around in a turn and charges after the ball. My vision is beginning to gray, and it's getting harder to keep my head up. So I put it down and bat the ball away with a forehoof. My peripheral vision narrows as well.

Celly is standing beside me, ball forgotten and growling. Amazing such a small and friendly dog could make such a threatening noise, I think, then I focus on Discord walking in, with his hands behind his back.

"Well, if it isn't the crazy pony," he says, "You certainly made a mess on the floor."

"Well, if it isn't Mister Predictable. If you surrender now, I'll see what I can do about getting Celestia and Luna to show you mercy."

"That's a stale, old joke," he replies.

"Dying is easy, comedy is hard," I tell him, "I guess that's why you never mastered it."

The angry glare is worth it.

"You know. If you'd done this to Celestia, and then let her play with her students and their pets for a few hours," I tell him, "She probably would have tolerated it. But you don't know when to stop. Like I said, predictable. Not fun, or even entertaining. Just go straight to pain and terror."

"If I'm so predictable, can you guess what I'm holding?" he asks.

"Her Nightjesty was alone with you when I left. It isn't Nightmare Moon walking in to taunt me, so, let's see. Luna, dark coloring, moon mark, snarky attitude: you turned her into a talking cat."

There's a bobcat yowl, and a purple-black housecat with a crescent moon on its forehead leaps out of Discord's grip, and walks towards us. Discord is desperately trying to figure out how I knew that one.

"Barnum!" Luna exclaims, and is interrupted by a soaking lick from Celly. The cat's expression at the slobbery welcome from the happily bouncing dog makes me laugh.

"Even as a dog, Celestia is funnier than you are," I tell Discord, then focus on Luna, "I don't need a cat-aloging. I'm aware of my condition."

Luna shakes herself, but remains squelchingly damp. She also keeps stepping around the ball Celly eagerly and repeatedly rolls into her path.

My vision has reduced to a tunnel, and like vision in darkness, it's almost pixilated. "Stars, most people don't really understand them."

"Some last bit of insanity bubbling up," Discord says, "Oh, and I've got popcorn, do go on."

"They are born, eat, create waste, and even die. Mostly from building up too much waste. They are constantly a balance between exploding and collapsing, held in stasis by how brightly they burn."

"Oh dear, your last words, and they're a treatise on science. Which one of us is more predictable."

"I guess I am. Because I rigged it. I don't like to lose, so I'll clear the board."

"What are you talking about?"

"I created those trinkets to distract you from what I was really doing, Cordy. Celestia might be able to fix it, but you'd never understand the process well enough."

"What process?"

"When stars exhaust their 'favorite' food, they start eating their waste. A little star like that one would probably eat a little, then stop and die. But bigger stars, they can handle more waste, and more. They get hotter and burn harder, burning up their waste to feed themselves. But somewhere along the periodic table, burning the waste doesn't release energy, it absorbs it. Suddenly they don't have the energy to burn. They collapse, until they burn no matter what, and the sudden outburst makes them explode. Nothing in the star system around them survives. And if you're clever. I mean, really sharp, you can adjust the explosion so it'll affect spirits too."

"Barnum?" Luna asks.

"Oh it may take you and Celly a while to let things cool down and reorganize. But you won't have to worry about him when you do." I chuckle, which becomes a cough. I can't see now, even dark and light. But I can smile, and I keep smiling.

"You couldn't have," Discord says, "You don't have that kind of power."

"But you do, and using you was easy. Like being plugged into a huge powerplant. All the power to do it I could ever need, and your self-destructive streak so eager to go along with it. I didn't beat you Cordy. I just saw to it you beat yourself. It was easy."

"You're lying," he says, the trademark arrogance cracking at the edges.

"You can't tell, or can you?" I ask, "Either way, I win. I'll get you no matter which way you turn."

"You wouldn't kill everypony, just to get me," he says with false surety.

"Yes I would," I say calmly. I raise my head to aim my sightless eyes where I think he is. "If I get you, then today is a fine day to die. Equestria will rise again. Celestia and Luna will remember it. And they'll remake it without you. Goodbye, Discard. I'll keep the seat nearest the fire for you. You can tell me what a supernova really looks like, up close and personal."

"Fix it."

"I'd need your power, and a lot of it. Don't tell me you trust me with that," I say and can't keep my head up anymore, but manage to put it down without looking like I dropped it. "Even you aren't that stupid."

"Celestia will fix it."

"No," Celly says in a growl, "Celly won't."

"I am content," Luna says, "To rebuild."

"Ha, it's a trick, you don't believe him any more than I do." He sighs. "I've been ignoring all the chaos in Ponyville to play with you three. Arrivederci."

What little of the chaos I still have stops resonating, telling me he's really gone. "Seventy-two minutes," I say, "Sorry Twilight, that was all I could manage. God let it have been enough. Let it have been enough."

Epilogue:

"Barnum!" the pink pony called as she looked around the room, at the machines covered with brown tarps. "Barnum!" she called, bounced in and began looking beneath the sheets. "Barnum!"

"Pinkie, ah don' think ya'all should be in heara." Applejack looked around nervously as she walked in. "Tain't respectful." She took off her hat as she walked around.

"Barnum!" Pinkie called as she bounced around the room, "You win! You're better at hide and seek than I am! Barnum!"

"Pinkie," Applejack said as she looked around nervously, "Ah don't think he's in heara."

"Where else would he be?" Pinkie asked pointedly. "They wouldn't tell me where he is. He must be playing hide and seek."

"Ah don' think so," Applejack said as she looked at the upturned bed frames and the many drawings carefully attached there. "Ah thought Discord gave us a bad tahme," she said of the images. Some crudely drawn by foals, of crying ponies and vague terrors. Some nearly photographs of more adult terrors.

"Barnum!"

"Pinkie!" Applejack snapped, "That's not doin' any good."

For once Pinkie seemed to get the hint. Her mane deflated and she took on a dignified air. "Mr. McHorsefly. I understand that parties are not generally to your liking, but I would very much appreciate your company at the awards ceremony." She grinned at Applejack.

"That's not what she meant," a pretty, white, unicorn mare said as she entered, she seemed to remember her manners and bowed slightly. "You must be Applejack, and Pinkie Pie."

"We don't have to be, but if we weren't, it might get confusing," Pinkie Pie said.

"I'm a Princess, I order you to be Pinkie Pie and Applejack," she said imperiously. She tried to grin, to let them know she was joking, but she closed her eyes and bowed her head. She looked around sadly. "He promised everything would be back the way it was. But he lied." The mare broke down and sobbed. Applejack glared at Pinkie as the two of them comforted the mare. Pinkie's mane straightened, as she just held the mare, quietly. Applejack stood beside her, and let her cry on a surprisingly quiescent Pinkie Pie.

"I finally realized what you both were trying to tell me," Pinkie said softly, "Taking my toys, and making them tools for everypony to use. Trying to tell me that I was more than just laughter and parties. Ponies smiled when they saw my tools, and lives were saved, so they could smile again tomorrow. Twilight found those memories, and all the others of my times with my friends. The quiet party we had, when you were all feeling down."

"Sorry. He didn't tell me," Glory said, "He just sent me away. To keep me safe."

"Or ta make sure ya weren't hurt," Applejack said, "It was quahte a fahght as I heard tell. Him tryin' ta eat Discord, twicet." Applejack smiled at that. "Take a mess a zap-apple jam ta make him go down smooth."
. Glory nodded, and walked over to the hidey-hole near the window. She opened it and removed the case. For a little while she just rubbed a hoof over it.

"Ooo! Ooo! A present! I love presents! I can just, sit down quietly." Pinkie froze at Glory's furious stare.

"If this is a present. It is for their Highnesses. They get to open it," Glory told the mare.

Pinkie Pie nodded.

"Y'all better Pinkie Promise ta leave that ta the Princesses," Applejack whispered in Pinkie's ear. Pinkie disappeared to peer over Glory's shoulder as the mare pulled out a curved piece of heavy gold wire.

"Umm, what's that?" Pinkie asked, "I've never seen one before."

Glory smirked. "It's whatever I want it to be," she said and expertly bent it into a pair of pince-nez glasses resting on her nose.

"Can I try, can I try?" Pinkie asked.

"No," Glory said, "I just got them, and I don't yet know what they'll do." Glory smiled. "Instead, maybe you'll get their Highnesses' little joke." She walked over to a cabinet and removed a set of binoculars. "Take a look at the statues," Glory said as she handed the binoculars to Applejack and pointed to a distant target.

"Say! That there looks lahk Barnum," Applejack said, and chuckled, "Looks lahk a colt chasin' butterflies."

"Now move left." Glory watched Pinkie eagerly bounce, unable to see what her friend was looking at.

"Discord," Applejack hissed.

"He's loose?" Pinkie squeaked.

"His statue," Glory told her as she reached up and widened the field of view slightly.

Applejack stared intently, her smile became grim, and she let out a chuckle. She took one more look, then hooved the glasses over to Pinkie while trying not to grin or burst out laughing.

The other earth pony mare looked intently at the distant scene. "It's that mean Discord," Pinkie said, "Still in stone." She moved slightly right. She let out a little laugh. "Yeah, that's Barnum," she said with a melancholy she rarely showed.

"Now look at the two together," Glory suggested.

Pinkie frowned at the two smirking mares, then looked again at the paired statues.

"Her Majesty positioned them very carefully," Glory said.

Pinkie looked carefully. Discord was still cringing, as he had been when they had used the Elements on him. Then she looked at Barnum's enthusiastic, open-mouthed, one-foreleg-extended leaping. Then she looked at both. The implications hit her, and she laughed aloud.

"Mean ole' Discord gets to shy 'way from Barnum, who looks like he's a timberwolf jumpin' a bunny," Applejack said as she giggled.

"Taken separately, Discord is horrified. Barnum is just a happy colt playing. Taken together, and it looks like Barnum is ready to make a meal of Discord, who is frightened of his fate." Glory looked at the statues you could easily see from the apartment. "And there are rumors that Barnum is trapped in stone, awaiting Discord's release. He'll be the first thing Discord sees, and the first thing he faces," Glory said, "And their Highnesses made sure they told Discord that. Considering that he spent most of the time you walked from Canterlot to Ponyville trying to eat him, that can't sit well with Discord."

"Ah thought ole Barnum would tell bad food when he saw it," Applejack said.

Sound The Bugle - Bryan Adams
The Boxer - Simon and Garfunkel

Jesus Christ Superstar - Andrew Lloyd Webber
Heaven On Their Minds
Poor Jerusalem.
Gethsemane (I Only Want To Say)

I Got It from Agnes by Tom Lehrer
The Element Song by Tom Lehrer
Gypsy Bard by SherclopPones

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