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Out of Place

by Dan_s Comments

Chapter 10: Out of Context Part 4

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Out of Place - Out of Context Part 4

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Billy Joel - Piano Man

It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the manager gives me a smile
'Cause he knows that it's me they've been comin' to see
To forget about their life for a while
And the piano, it sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar
And say, "Man, what are you doin' here?"

"Next time, leave me on the boat," I whisper to Glory as I shake hooves with another dignitary in the endless line of well wishers.

Glory is fetching in her uniform, along with all the other Wonderbolts and Shadowbolts. Luna has her finery. I am dressed in a decent suit, and still have to be feted as a hero among heroes, I think morosely as I shake another hoof, With only one very short day to be prepared for all this idiocy. Meanwhile, the countdown to the Grand Galloping Gala, and what happens after, gets shorter, and shorter. My mood is not the best.

It's not fair, I think as I let another idiot try the crushing hand grip on me, and I can't retaliate, The medics don't have to stand here.

I catch Luna's eye, and realize I'm being 'honored' as repayment for some indignity I exposed her to. She grins at me to drive the point home, before returning to accept the adoration of a griffon diplomat in front of her.

My foreleg feels like a piece of raw meat when the greeting line is complete. Then comes the wonderful situation of a state banquet. Catered by the griffins. The hall in the residence is not as opulent as Canterlot. Mostly paneled walls, more paintings and fewer sculptures. Between lessons on etiquette, the majordomo gave us a quick tour and a brief history of the place. Apparently, it was the first time the place had been used by an actual princess for fifty years. The supercilious, but dutiful mare had made certain everything was perfect. One of her warnings rang in my ears. 'The griffins will want to test us,' she'd warned the entire crew, 'Because ponies are weak.'

Okay, the crushing hand grip I can understand, I think as I walk with the others into the banquet hall. To bolster security, 'my' entire guard force is there. All in their best uniforms. Manes spotless and brushed, buttons gleaming, and helmets mirror bright. I felt distinctly underdressed without uniform or a sash of medals. The seating and order of precedence had been drilled into all of us. The princess sat at the head of the table, and was permitted to sit through the entire enterprise. Likewise, Glory as a lesser princess, only had to stand if Luna spoke, or if Luna stood. As a civilian without portfolio of any kind, I'd stand through the speeches, and would be obliged to be seated last when the meal is served, after all the glittering jewels. Marvelous, I think as Luna stands to speak.

I brace myself for a short, but pompous speech. "We all know why we are here," Luna began.

So let's talk about it for the next ten minutes, I respond internally, to maintain the illusion of interest.

"There has always been a warm and sunny friendship between the nation of Equestria and the Griffin lands."

With occasions flurries of barbeque sauce.

"Today we celebrate a unique occurrence in our nations' histories, that I certainly hope will not remain unique," Luna says.

Because we're going to unique up on it with a spiked club, and . . .

"We are gathered here, in a way, to honor innovation in the service of all," Luna proclaims.

And that's all we're serving while it's hot, because the speechifying will go on until everything else has gone cold, except the ice cream, I reply in my head.

"And while he would insist on spreading the credit around."

For an hour and a half, with a really big shovel, I think.

"I think no one involved would deny his work in bringing this about," Luna said.

Okay, yeah, Shadow Pearl deserves his honors, I think as I stamp my hooves in accordance with the 'polite' applause of the others.

"Would you all welcome, please, Prince Barnum."

The table hits me in the chin to distract me from the floor jumping up and crashing into my side. On my way down, I note Luna's extremely pleased expression. Schadenfreude, thy name is alicorn, I think as several people help me up: ponies and griffins.

"As graceful at accepting honors as always," Luna comments.

"Undeserved honors, your Highness," I manage as I stand, "There are many others who made this happy event possible."

You are enjoying this far too much, your Nightjesty, I think as I walk up to the head of the table. I bow to Luna, and hope I remember all the rigamarole involved in this. In the background, the majordomo is having apoplexy, this being one subject not covered in the all too brief lessons.

"You, P.T. Barnum McHorsefly are henceforth invested with the titles and responsibilities of a prince of Equestria. For your exemplary service to the Diarchy, in innovation both in the technical and the ponitarian fields. Are you worthy of such a title?"

Okay, this part I don't remember, and the only one that seems to be breathing at this point is Luna, I think, as a stall, seeming to deeply consider what she has asked, while actually trying to wrack my brain for the formula answer. Heck with it, if I answer wrong, she can just take it away.

"No, your Nightjesty. I can only do my best," I reply. The sound of the majordomo fainting indicates the depths of my faux pas.

"An honest Prince, that should disqualify him immediately," the griffin ambassador comments. The laughter breaks the tension. One of the servants escorts me to my new seat, beside Glory, and closer to Luna.

"You're her first Prince, so technically, you outrank me," Glory whispers.

Terrific, I don't say aloud. I merely raise an eyebrow at Luna, who returns an imperious gaze, with a heaping helping of terrified filly behind it.

Okay, something is going on here. What the heck does me suddenly being a prince have to do with it? I want to ask, but this is not the time or the place.

An hour and forty-five minutes of incredibly boring speeches later, the initial 'festivities' are complete. Then I'm expected to add to the speeches. "Shadow Pearl and his teams, the real heroes of the hour." Which received polite applause. Followed by stunned silence as they realize that's all I'm going to say. The griffin ambassador gives that a standing ovation, joined by Luna.

Now the ambassador grins. "Bring it in. In order to cement our feeling of peace, understanding and compromise, we would like to present her, 'Nightjesty' was it, a gift as part of the feast."

"Most kind," Luna replies, and again the hidden terror.

Okay, this is the test. And it's Luna's, or is it? I think as the four griffins carry a massive, covered dish into the hall. Large enough for a large assassin or a team of small ones, the guards and soldiers tense. Luna looks at it with a waxen smile and dread in her eyes. She indicates with her horn that they should set it up behind Glory and me, it being far too large for the table. Legs are folded down and latched, then the cover is whisked away.

Luna looks green, and some of the matrons have fainted, yet all I smell is cheese, I think, then perhaps break protocol by turning around to look at it. There, exposed for all to see, is what looks like a sheep carcass, flat on its back, legs folded, covered in a crust of bread crumbs and cheese.

"Prince Barnum, if you would," Luna says, sounding not too steady, and decidedly queasy.

I bow. "As her Nightjesty commands," I say jauntily, "But I may sneak some before I serve you."

"You will be forgiven that indiscretion."

There is a complete carving set built into the serving tray. At least it's already cooked. This shouldn't be any more difficult than a Thanksgiving turkey, I consider, Not like the time dad bought a whole steer, then found out we'd have to butcher it. 'Let a pro do it' 'I've hunted, I know how to skin and gut a kill.' I don't know which was worse, standing in the cold covered in blood, or that the biting insects all seem to have woken up out of their winter torpor and were after us. I select a joint of the foreleg to the body. The silence is deafening, and the sense of expectation palpable. The looks of ill-concealed glee on the two griffin servers cements the impression. Sorry kids, I'm of sterner stuff than that.

The knife slices through the joint far more easily than it should. One mare or a countertenor stallion gasps in horror as the carcass begins to ooze. I look at the structure of the foreleg, and keep my expression carefully neutral. The servers catch on that I'm not going to faint, as I cut the leg into two roughly equal pieces and return to the table. "Your Nightjesty, your Excellency, your rarebit. How did you keep the layers of cheese from interpenetrating, a layer of bread crumbs would not seem to be enough?"

"Oh, you like our little dish?" the Ambassador exclaims happily, "But why 'rarebit' and not rabbit."

"A joke for the easily fooled. I've been subjected to it, but not on such a grand and impressive scale." I see that Luna is getting the fact that the whole thing is essentially a giant, baked cheese sandwich.

"Yes, we are so very proud of our cheeses," the griffin said, "Ponies have been quite uncertain about importing them, yet they don't make their own."

One of the griffin servers sets down a plate before me. On it are both 'ears' and the 'tail'. He and Mile Stone could have an 'I am totally innocent of whatever you are planning to accuse me of' contest. I only nod.

"We all have our cultural illusions we must play through," the ambassador says. He grins. "You seemed to be only one brave enough take the bull by the horns."

"I once shot a dragon in my pajamas," I tell him.

"Very commendable," he says with some shock, "And very brave."

"Not half as brave as whoever put it in my pajamas," I deadpan.

"It was supposed to be an alligator," Glory offers.

"An alligator instead of a dragon?" the ambassador asks like a man trying to swim to shore.

"No, your Excellency, an alligator put the dragon in his pajamas," Glory says as she looks at the piece of 'neck' she'd been served and the multitude of layers. "Your Highnesses, we must prevail on the ambassador to have his most expert chefs prepare another for the Grand Galloping Gala."

"Prince Barnum, your policy to have criminals shot, how did that work out?" Luna asks.

"Oh, excellently your Nightjesty, getting him into the cannon was difficult, but getting something into canon often takes special effort. He screamed very little until he saw the dragon, and the dragon choked to death on him. We pulled him out and he was very willing to foreswear crime forever. Even eight-swear crime twelve-ever."

At this point the ambassador deeply regrets his little joke, I think as I glance at the pallid-faced bureaucrat, Because we can and will keep this up all night.

"Speaking of these most excellent cheeses," I ask, "Your Nightjesty, what about the rumors that the moon is made of green cheese."

"Not green, the cold keeps it in excellent condition," Luna says between bites, "Moonsteur, gorgenluna, cheddar."

"Cheddar?" I ask, "What about the dark side?"

"Cheddar is the dark side," Luna says with menace, she adds wistfully, "It was the crackers I missed."

"Oh, that's why you made Barnum a prince," Glory says.

"Her aim is still lousy?" I ask.

The expression of terror on the ambassador's face, as he would face at least another hour of this, is hilarious.


Mile Stone stood at the doorway of the 'Bedlam House' and watched Barnum check over what looked like a disassembled bridge, as he stood in his fanciest dress uniform. "What is all that in aid of?" he finally asked.

"In case the roof falls in. Or we need to keep it from falling in. They have to be light enough to be transported by air, and strong enough to do the job."

"I shouldn't have asked," Mile Stone lamented, "Are you going? The party starts in an hour."

"I never got an invite," Barnum replied breezily.

"The royalty, which you are part of, never need 'an invite'. They just show up," Mile Stone said, "Your Highness." He enjoyed the hateful glare from Barnum at the relish with which he'd said the title.

"I, for one, am glad neither he nor his patron are going to be here." The supercilious voice, attached to the equally supercilious stallion wandered into Barnum's apartments.

"Besides, if that's a Prince, I'm overqualified," Barnum said.

"What's that supposed to mean," Prince Blueblood, the distant cousin of her Majesty asked.

"That's supposed to mean, that if one of Celestia's own knights were to make your acquaintance, you'd be too wrapped up in yourself to treat her decently," Barnum said harshly, "That my parents taught me that gentlecolt and gentlemare, are training and attitude, not bloodline. If someone tried to take a train to your ego, it would bounce off."

"Hmpf, I've never been so insulted." The stallion put his nose in the air.

"Considering you think your Princedom can be tarnished with blood and dirt, and I know mine can only be elevated by action," Barnum said darkly, "Why don't you go to your party, stay freshly polished, and leave me to my work."

"You are throwing me out of your sordid, little workshop?" Blueblood asked, aghast at the notion.

"No, I'm tricking you into staying so I can tell you what you really are," Barnum said, "A waste of flesh. Maybe if someone skinned you, they'd at least make a good coat out of you."

"You wouldn't dare!" the aristocrat gasped as he backed out of the room.

"We could render your fat head down to make wonderful candles!" Barnum shouted at the retreating stallion. He glanced at Mile Stone. "Now you know why my country killed all its nobles. Inbred streak of piss, the lot of them."

"And their Highnesses? And Glory?"

"They earned it, and keep earning it. That big baby thinks it's rightfully his, and devil take the hindmost." Barnum grinned. "Besides, technically I'm a First first citizen that puts me up in Cadence's latitude. Well below her, of course, but far above the next in line."

"And you intend to go on 'earning it'?" Mile Stone asked, "That's what these are for?"

"Her Majesty trusted me to invent. That was the implied contract between us. Her Nightjesty had her own reasons for what she did, even if it did make me 'Prince Cheese Slicer', but that doesn't repudiate the previous contract, any more than your transition from Day to Night Guard severs your loyalty to Equestria."

"I still think you should come, lad," Mile Stone pleaded, "Without someone to talk to, this is going to be deadly dull."

"I happen to know that Celestia's knights are going to be here. All of them in fancy gowns."

Mile Stone's heart dropped. "I'll alert the fire brigades and rescue squads," he said and turned to hurry away, then stopped, "Those really are to hold up the roof, aren't they?"

"Or to hold the city to the mountain," Barnum said.


"Your Nightjesty?" I exclaim of the tired figure who lands far enough outside the bright light and noise of the gala to avoid notice by those inside.

"Your Highness," she replies, with weary humor.

"Go on in, you'll make quite a splash," I tell her.

"No," she replies, "Why aren't you in there Barnum?" she asks me.

"Not my kind of party," I admit, "Too loud for a discussion group, and too quiet for a party." I consider. "Hang on, I can get you something to eat without going in."

"I'll be waiting in the garden," Luna tells me as I move off.

I find the despondent pony I was looking for. "Hey, Miss Applejack."

"Barnum? Wha'cha all you doin' way out here?"

"No invite," I tell her, "Ah, if you wanted to sell your food, why didn't you get on the caterers' list?" I ask, although I saw the episode.

"Caterers?" Applejack perks up, "Y'all mean they had food all bought and paid fer?"

"Yep," I reply, "But, if you're selling, I'll take a pie and two fritters. I've got a friend who needs some comfort food."

She smiles and food is exchanged for money. I head back to her Nightjesty, who has concealed herself near the gardens. From her expression, she's watching something of intense interest.

"Come out!" Fluttershy yells to the fleeing animals. Incidently spooking one of the most powerful beings in Equestria. We watched the yellow pegasus chase assorted animals from tree to tree and shadow to shadow.

Luna withdrew. "I have a bad feeling about this," she confides as we slip back into the palace through a side entrance.

"This should make you feel better," I tell her as I offer her the pie, "Apple Family, best in the business. I take it the investigation didn't go well."

"The griffins claim no knowledge of the ballast, or its dangerous qualities," Luna explained between bites, obviously enjoying it. I use a napkin to gently wipe her mouth. She looks at me a bit askance. "So the incident is officially a terrible accident. I am, displeased by that result." She looks over at my bed, then at me. "I am invoking royal privilege, there are other beds. I have no desire to deal with servile functionaries."

I move to change the sheets, and she shakes her head. "But you'll let me tuck you in?" I ask as I instead get a second pillow and a comforter.

"With you I know you do it just to make me think there's an ulterior motive, when none exists," Luna says tiredly, as she removes her adornments, placing them on a bedside table Hardwood made for me. She climbs in as I turn down the covers for her. "Thank you," she tells me as I tuck her in. She's asleep in moments.

I feel rather than hear the fall I know is pillar on pillar. A moment later Mile Stone is at the door.

"Lad."

"Please tell me you're joking, " I whisper back, making shushing noises.

The bedraggled sergeant shakes his head. I pick up the truss pieces and pass them to the unicorn and earth pony teams forming outside.

I spot Neanderpony, Claire and Glory in the crowd. "You two, on guard if you would." I let them see who's taking refuge in my room. "Nobody except, Glory, me or Celestia goes in."

"You do understand that when ponies say 'that stallion can get any mare in his bed', they are implying you were there too," Claire points out.

I glare at her, and she and her husband take up their positions.

"You're right, she's too cute to take advantage of," Glory says, not helping.

I roll my eyes. "How much of the palace was destroyed?"

"Not much," Glory admits, "Although ponies will be talking about this gala for years."

"Best gala ever," Mile Stone says happily.

"And you ponies think I have a weird idea of fun," I comment as we gallop towards the grand ball room.

Dozens of unicorns are staring at the fallen columns. Her Highness is looking around ruefully.

Probably because she wants out, and is trying to keep from laughing, I think.

"You Majesty, it isn't safe. With respect, I must insist that you leave, until repairs are complete," I tell her as politely as possible.

She looks at Glory, who reluctantly nods. "Very well. I doubt I could be more help." She gravely nods and withdraws.

"Don't let your 'princeship' go to your head," Glory warns.

"I've got to get to the moon somehow!" I whine back.

The others shake their heads at our antics.

"Okay, the brackets fit together, and the jack screws adjust the overall length. Get some heavy planking to protect the floor, and then we'll put these in place. In the meantime, Barnum, check those column sections for any flaws and certify them load-bearing or not," Glory orders, "Get moving, I want this back up and perfect before sunrise!"

"Yes, your Highness," I tell her.


I'd managed to get Glory to agree that the painting would be better done with the sun up. All but two of the columns were restored, sans paint. The remaining two had the stones of the columns too badly damaged to easily repair.

The artisans, masons and other workers had crashed out all over the ballroom. The beds of my apartment, and all the blankets and pillows the maid staff could find had been provided to the dozens of sleeping ponies.

Many of them would be shocked that her Majesty was in here covering them with blankets, I think as I move among them, as exhausted as they are, but too tired and keyed up to sleep. The Grand Galloping Gala: the next to last gateway. Only one more, and Discord lies beyond, I think as I walk, No use fighting it. It's going to happen. He spotted Fancypants, and threaded his way over to the aristocratic stallion.

"Fuddle!" the stallion whispers a curse, "I skip one of these dreadful parties, and it becomes the one ponies will talk about for the next half-century."

"What happened a half-century ago?" I ask as I lead him out into the hall.

"The dragon ambassador had magic enough to shrink down to interact with ponies eye-to-eye. The griffon ambassador had the audacity to goad the dragon into a fight. The exchange of pastries was quite a sight to see. I was a guard then, doing my service to the princess. I dare say, neither of them expected her 'pony highness' to be such a sniper with mint imperials. I dare say it was a tragic day for her Highness when he was recalled. He was one of the few creatures nearly as long-lived as she, and nearly as adventuresome."

I snickered at that. Then came to attention as their Highnesses looked in the door. Celestia gestures for us to be quiet. Luna looks at her big sister with incredulity, but the pair head off. In the distance some giggling can be heard.

"They trust you to be on the job. Prince Barnum, the Royal Corps of Engineers, all in one pony," Fancypants comments, and gestures for me to follow him outside into the garden, where we can look in at all the drowsing ponies. He smirks. "At least you have better luck that Prince Blueblood. Is it true that he was told off, rather pointedly, by one of Celestia's knights herself?"

"Yes," I reply, "Lady Rarity, element of generosity. She was willing to put up with quite a bit of his attitude. But she was in no mood to put up with it forever."

"I must remember to invite them to one of my garden parties."

"Something a little less formal, I hope. In fact, one of your 'regardening' parties might be better. Where you do the clean up of the Royal Gardens."

"That's such a lowbrow affair," he says, "And so boring."

"I think you'll find that some of them aren't so aghast at manual labor as the Canterlot nouveau riche. And some might like to learn about arranging a garden."

He looks at me askance, but accepts it. "Lost opportunities." Then looks over my shoulder. I glance over and Glory is approaching. She looks lost and forlorn.

"I guess this is goodbye for a while," she says, then glances over at the pillars. "You'll get those fixed?"

"I'll do my best to see everything is back to normal by the time you return," I tell her truthfully.

"I bet you will," she says, clearly wanting to get answers. Instead she gives me a passionate kiss, ignoring who might be watching. "Be well." Then gallops off before I can say anything.

I look back to Fancypants' very stoic expression. "Whatever made you send her away, has got to be serious."

"Everything will be fine. It'll just be a bit rocky for a few days."

"Care to share?" he asks.

"Other than to give you the same advice I gave her and Sir Eagle Bell, go visit Vanhoover or Las Pegasus for a few days? No."

He raises an eyebrow, but accepts. Then turns away to walk back the way Glory left.

I look at the sleeping ponies in the room. I wish I could come up with a convincing reason to evacuate the entire city. But then he'd go find where they are, rather than attacking them here, I consider, So I sacrifice how many of them, to save the rest of the planet. What kind of a person does that make me. I suddenly feel much less secure about my recent elevation to Prince. So, did Luna know and make it a reminder of me choosing life and death for so many, or is something else? I leave to arrange breakfast for the workers, and for new stones to replace the damaged ones.


Celestia sipped her tea and enjoyed the moments of quiet in the throne room between the councilors' arguments and the cases she was to judge. One of the servants approached with a wheeled trolley of tea and small cakes.

"Your Highness, if you'd told us, we would have made the time easier for you," the elderly mare said. Then she whispered, "We've been trying to guess the lucky stallion."

" 'Lucky stallion'?" Celestia asked curiously.

The mare pulled out a newspaper, and hooved it over to her liege. "You must be very proud of Princess Luna," the mare said and beamed at her sovereign, "Begging your pardon, your Majesty."

Celestia scanned the paper. She carefully set the tea down and swallowed, as she focused on the 'Sunny Days' column, and realized she hadn't submitted one to the paper recently.

"We had no idea you were in a family way," the older mare said, "And I guess now the secret's out, you don't have to pretend any more."

" 'Luna is actually Celestia's DAUGHTER who was born nearly full-grown, as are all alicorn foals, with the aid of Twilight Sparkle and her friends as magical midwives!'" Celestia thundered as she crushed the paper to a pinhead and burned it to ashes. "LUNA!" she shouted as she stood, then calmed down. "No," she whispered as she thought it through. "BARNUM!" Celestia dashed from the throne room, nearly trampling a few flustered, functionaries who didn't dive out of the way soon enough.

Moments later, the elderly maid, and the tea trolley returned to the forms of Luna and Barnum.

"When do we tell her these papers are all fakes?" Luna asked, as she pulled out her own that stated she spend 1000 years recovering from giving birth to Celestia.

"Let her be furious for a little while. It's always good to let that out for a bit," he told her Nightjesty. As he examined his, which stated he was Celestia's child. "Besides, I want that 'Sunny Days' gone as much as you do. It's a double-edged sword she really doesn't need any more. Besides, I also asked Coltchak about the rumors, and their truthfulness. That should get some very interesting balls rolling."

Luna nodded. "You fight dirty."

"Speaking of fighting dirty, did you contact Pinkie Pie and Rarity about your arrival on Nightmare Night?" Barnum asked.

"I don't see how playing a ridiculously extravagant villain will help my image," Luna admitted.

"Trust me, a ridiculous and ineffectual villain is always good for laughs. And a bit of a scare can be fun. Give the kids a safe scare, and let the adults in on the joke."

Luna shrugged. "I bow to your superior wisdom in this, your Highness."

"Good grief, not you too!"

Luna giggled.

Next Chapter: Out of Sight Part 1 Estimated time remaining: 1 Hour, 9 Minutes
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