Goddammit Pinkie Pie
by kits
First published
Ponies Swearing. Never do this
Goddammit Pinkie Pie:
Twilight shows off her vocabulary
A Typical Day in Pwnyville
An everyday experience in the life of a rainbow-maned pegasus.
Pinkie is a Deep Sleeper
Twilight gets her hooves sticky by clopping on Pinkie Pie's entrance.
Goddammit Pinkie Pie
Twilight looked up from the scroll she was working on. Rolling her head, her neck gave a small popping sound, she reflected upon her words. The scroll was nearly completely filled and next to it lay two that were already black with ink. Today's report was a rather long one. It felt good to have learned such a valuable lesson in friendship.
She glanced up at the clock and blanched. Her purple coat made it hard to tell, but the blood had drained from the studious unicorn's face. Six o'clock. That meant that any second now-
Twilight gave a yelp as a large pink blur wized passed her, knocking over her inkwell. Fortunately it was almost empty. "Holy Shit! Pinkie Pie! Where the fuck did you come from!" Twilight cried out in shock.
"I came in through the goddamn fucking door, Twilight!" Pinkie bounced in place, a sugary grin, almost infectious in its cheer, adorned her face.
'Any-fucking-pony else and that would have been on purpose,' Twilight thought.
Pinkie gave a loud Woo! "Now let's break this shit down and party our asses off! Yeah!" She punctuated her exclamation by kicking out with her back legs to a no-doubt thumping base line only she could hear.
"Fucking hell, Pinkie! Cool your shit."
Twilight looked up to see that Rainbow had followed her fuck toy into the library.
"We'll have the fucking party after she finishes her damned report." Dash poked Pinkie's mane to emphasize her statement. "It'll take less than a minute if you shut the hell up."
Pinkie stuck her tongue out at the irate pegasus. "Fuck that shit! I've got eight cakes and I'm gonna enjoy the fuck out of them." Pinkie pressed her muzzle into Dash's so far their foreheads touched. Her eyes widened and took on an intensity that very few ever saw in the pink party pony. "Right. Fucking. Now!" Sometimes Twilight wondered who wore the bridle in that relationship.
"Pinkie Pie, calm the fuck down. Dash is right, I'll be done in a goddamn second if you stop fucking knocking over all of my shit."
A voice rang out from the doorway, "Oh, Twilight."
'Dammit all to hell.' That tone of disappointment could only belong to one pony.
"Why are you such a fucking potty mouth?" Fluttershy asked softly.
A Typical Day in Pwnyville
One day blue horse bird was flyin' 'round in circles and stuff, when she saw that orange and pink pones were talking. "What are they dong?" She asked, angrily. "That is not watching me be 20% more awesomer." So flying pone landed next to party and apple pone and said, "What are you dong?"
"I like apples," said AppleJack.
"We're totally not throwing a 'Tie Rainbow Dash up and have makeouts' party," said Balloon Butt. "That would be creepy."
"I like apples," said Apple Jack again. It was really kinda creepy the way she liked apples so much that she should maybe marry an apple.
Speaking of creepy, Twilight Sparkle, who was late again with a letter and really, really creepy looking because her mane was poofy and messed up, popped out of nowhere and creepily said that a party of makeouts with Rainbow Dash was something she was writing in her My Little Pony fanfiction. She said this very creepily, while winking at Dash. "That is so creepy, Twilight," said the prismatic-maned, cerulean blue, fastest flier in Equestria, who was also Scootaloo's idol and a pegasus pony.
Then the butter yellow pegasus friend who was shy, fluttered over to the group. She had been pretending to be a tree by standing very still and mumbling "tree" under her breath (she said it quietly because she was very shy). "I... would... um... well... I... um...... would like a makeouts party... if that's ok......... with you..." said Flutterbutter in a very shy manner.
Then Rarity showed up and said something about fashion, but nopony paid her any attention, because she was just trying to get makeouts for herself. "I am a lady," she protested, angrily.
Then Twilight Creeple and Smile Slut jumped on Rainbow Dash. "Why did you do that?" asked Rainbow Dash, angrily. But secretly, she liked it when her friends jumped on her and started nibbling her mane and wings.
"I thought you were covered in cake icing," said Twilight.
"Stop stealing my lines!" huffed the forth-wall-breaking, pink coated, frizzy maned, pink party promoting pony, Pinkie Pie.
The sexual tension was so high at the moment that Flutterbutterstuttershy couldn't help but join the pile. "Um..." she said. "..."
Apol Jeck threw her head, tossing her mane so hard, her hair ties flew off. It was so hot, you have no idea. "I like Apples!" she cried as she dived into the pony pile.
Rainbow Dash was smiling so much from all the ponies who had piled on her and were licking and/or nibbling at various parts. She shuddered as Ampleflank licked her hoof. "I don't like it when ponies touched my hooves," she protested, angrily.
"I like apples," Applebapple whispered.
And then they all had sex.
Except Rarity.
Pinkie is a Deep Sleeper
Clop clop clop
Twilight's reciprocating hoof hammered away, attempting to elicit some kind of reaction from Pinkie. Any reaction at all would be nice. Why won't she just come already? Twilight rolled her eyes as she switched hooves for the second time that evening. As she pulled her hoof away, strands of stick residue clung to it, connecting her hoof to Pinkie's soaked entrance. She tried to shake most if off, but the warm sweet-smelling fluid stubbornly coated her leg remaining soaked into her coat. Giving up, she vigorously re-applied herself to the task at hoof.
Rainbow Dash never had this problem. Neither did Rarity, Applejack, or even Fluttershy. All of them could get Pinkie revved up and ready to go in less than a minute. Fluttershy barely had to do anything at all. Twilight still didn't believe her eyes and ears from the last time she witnessed the pegasus take on Pinkie. All it had taken was for the shy mare to calmly tell Pinkie it was time, and the other mare had practically out-raced her own squeaks of exertion. And here she was, fifteen minutes and not a peep. It just wasn't fair.
Dash had laughed when Twilight had offered to take care of Pinkie tonight. She'd followed Twilight half way to sugar cube corner, hovering above her and offering all sorts of advice. Twilight still wasn't sure what Dash had meant about having somepony deal with the back door, but she had been determined to do this alone. She had long since reached and past "regret" and was creeping up on "throwing in the towel".
Her leg was aching at this point; the steady pounding was not something she was used to. Whenever she went through this with Applejack or Rarity, it seldom took more than a few firm clops to do the job. Even Spike was easier than this. She stayed her sore hoof and critically examined Pinkie's passage. She could use her magic. She wasn't sure she was supposed to, having never encountered a mare so immune to her normal methods, but desperate times called for desperate measures.
Closing her eyes, her horn glowed with an inner light as a magenta field sprang up around it. Tendrils of magic made their way to the slick, sticky entrance. Twilight spent a long moment thinking over the various shapes she could emulate; which would be the most efficient for making Pinkie come? An idea occurred to her and she fashioned her spell into the a near perfect replica of Big Mac's blunt head. Placing the spell in position, she resumed hammering away.
"Oh!" Finally, she had managed to get some kind of response from the ineffable mare. "J-just a minute!" Twilight of course, didn't trust Pinkie that far. She redoubled her efforts, slamming the replica of the Mac's pride home again and again. Sticky strands of that sweet syrup flew everywhere, getting in her hair, on her chest, and even a few drops in her mouth. It tasted strangely like chocolate mixed with cotton candy amped up with a heavy dose of peppermint. Peppermint? Really? She closed her eyes just in time to keep the splattering fluid at bay.
"I'm coming!"
Finally. Twilight nearly collapsed with relief.
Pinkie Pie opened the door to her apartment above Sugar Cube Corner. "Sorry, Twilight!" she chirped. "I was sleeping with Gummy by the back door again! Didn't you see the do-not-disturb-candy coating?"