Mystery Pinkie Pie Theater 3000
Chapter 32: Texas Hold'em With The Humans of Equestria
Previous Chapter Next ChapterHey bronies, I've got something lulzy today.
So the other day I was just doing my thing when I got a message from Mister Fluttershy. He said he wanted to use my character, author, for a story he was writing. Of course, it's always flattering when someone likes your work enough to want to borrow elements from it. So I said yes.
The result was Texas Hold 'em With The Humans of Equestria. I read it, I liked it, and I commented, "I'd love to do a riff of this, for kicks." Mister Fluttershy said that sounded awesome. So, hear I am, doing a quick riff on a 2000 word story, a nice break from the MASSIVE story I'm currently working on.
The story is basically a bunch of human OC's from a collection of not-quite-so-obscure stories here on FiM. For a list of the OC's (and links to the associated stories) check the un-riffed version's description. I'd definately suggest giving it a read (If only because author has some lines. Heh, self-promotion ftw!)
Enjoy!
Author: Guys! Guys! I've got something awesome to tell you!
(Rarity and Twilight look around confusedly.)
Rarity: I beg your pardon? Who are you talking to?
Author: (Sighs.) Fine, "Mares, mares, I've got something awesome to tell you". Better?
Twilight: Fantastic. Now, what's the news?
Author: Okay, so a friend of mine was cruising FimFiction, and guess what he found?
Rarity: A good story?
Twilight: Of course not, Rarity, author wouldn't get excited over a story that wasn't his.
Author: Hey, Twilight? Shut up! Turns out some brony was reading about my brave escapades into horrible stories and decided to write a story about me!
Rarity: Really? Just about you?
Author: Well, um, no... I haven't read the full thing yet, but the description says I share the spotlight with seven other people.
Twilight: I see.
Author: Hey, it's still a big deal! This is like being featured on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, fanfic wise!
Rarity: So what does this have to do with us?
Author: You kidding me? We're going to read it of course!
Twilight: ... Pinkie Pie, are you in costume again?
Author: Oh, c'mon, it'll be fun!
Twilight: And why's it going to be fun?
Author: Because it's about me!
Twilight: ... And why's it going to be fun?
Author: ... I loathe you two so much.
Rarity: I suppose we'll read it, o one condition.
Author: What?
Rarity: We can riff it like any other story we read.
Author: (Smirks.) Not a problem. You'll have nothing to say because it's going to be amazing.
Twilight: We'll see...
“Ante’s five bits.”
Rarity: Bits? I thought we were playing strip poker!
The eight figures pushed five bits into the pot, waiting for their cards. Small conversation was made.
Author: In China.
“Second?”
“Yeah Connor?”
Twilight: "No, I mean who's going second?"
“How’s…the taking over the world thing going?”
Author: "Well, the robot legion is acting up again..."
“Hmm…good enough I suppose. I think it could be better. The Elements of Harmony making a bit of a problem, you know.”
Rarity: Oh, I KNOW.
“…I see. Still kind of a jerk move though. Taking over the world is kind of…storybook.”
“…”
Twilight: Good rebuttal.
“Harmony got your tongue, Second?” A different voice chimed in.
Author: Badum-tish!
“Shut up Josh. That wasn’t even funny.”
The momentary bickering was stopped when the first hand was dealt. Everyone looked at their cards, with varying reactions.
Rarity: Varying reactions? I see we have some professional players here.
Author: Obviously the writer gave me the best hand!
“Josh, you’re wearing a bad poker face.”
Rarity: "It absolutely CLASHES with your shirt!
“Kyle…you’re such a freakin’ nerd.”
“What?” Someone else asked.
Twilight: Someone else is currently my favorite character.
Author: That's about to change once I'm introduced.
“No no no… not you Kyle… the Kyle who’s a brony.”
“Umm… that’s me too…”
“Erm… the Kyle who has an affair with Rainbow Dash.”
“Umm…”
Rarity: My word, what is the deal with you writers?! Do yo really ship ponies with human characters?
Author: Admittedly, this is not the best model of bronydom...
“GRAH! Never mind! You know what I mean-“
“OBJECTION! No I don’t. But I do see something else; you’re clearly the killer!”
Author: OBJECTION! Only I'm allowed to make pop culture references!
“What?!”
(Listen to this)
Author: This is definitely a link to the Phoenix Wright cornered theme! You all should click on it!
“It’s obvious! You’ve got no alibi! And I have all the proof I need!” Kyle Bucy produced a stack of papers and pointed at it pointedly. It was obviously blank.
Rarity: It was?
Rarity: How about that!
Author: All this time I thought it was packed with words!
“Kyle?! What the hell are you talking about?!”
Kyle Bucy shook his head. “You don’t see? I’ve got you cornered! Give it up, Josh Schwartz! Or should I say: Joshy boy?!”
Author: "And now time for some Gorgonzola cheese and the world's finest wine!"
Josh was shaking.
Rarity: Somepony turn up the heat!
“How…how did you know that nickname?”
Twilight: "I read the story you were in."
Author: "It needed more cowbell."
Kyle Bucy slammed his hands on the table and pointed at Josh. “I have a witness of the murder! I call-“
Author: "A friend! No, wait, I ask the audience!
Kyle’s papers were set on fire suddenly. He dropped then and hopped around savoring his burned hand. All eyes turned to a unicorn.
Rarity: I thought this story was the "humans" of Equestria?
Twilight: Meh. It's probably a reference to the character's story. I wouldn't think too much on it.
“Heh. Can we play poker now? I can’t listen to crap all night.”
Author: Pop doesn't talk, so I think you'll be alright.
“Fiery… you’re right. Let’s play.” Second smirked. “I was fed up too.”
The dealer sighed and shook his head. “Connor starts the bet.”
Rarity: Ah-HAH! The unicorn is the dealer!
Author: Mystery solved. Nice job, Sherlock.
“Seven bits.” The man said as he put in his bet.
*cough*pussy *cough*
“Okay, who said that?!” Connor demanded.
Twilight: Nopony. It wasn't in quotes.
“Fiery.” Everyone with a brain and a set of ears said. So this excluded Author.
Author: ... What? (Rarity and Twilight start snickering.) Oh yeah? What the hell are you two laughing at? (The two can't hold it in, and start laughing hysterically.) Oh, c'mon! That's not funny at all! He's freaking insulting me!
Twilight: (Laughing.) I think it's hilarious!
Rarity: (Laughing.) You're right! This story is much better with you in it!
Author: (Gumbles)
Rarity: (Laughing.) Oh? What's that?
Author: I said this story sucks! Let's stop reading!
Twilight: (Finally quiets down.) Now? But it was just getting good!
Rarity: You wanted us to read it, and that's what we're going to do! It was just one joke, I'm sure it was nothing personal.
Author: Yeah, whatever...
“Wow. Thanks for ratting me out guys. I *belch* do sooooooooooooo much fer you guys an’ what do I get? Nothin’. Absolutely-“ He fell over with a thump. He was clearly drunk off his ass.
Twilight: I believe you mean "drunk off his chair".
Rarity: Cranky is out of town this week.
“Damn. Can we get a clean-up on Aisle 6?” Kyle said like a clerk at a store. The dealer sighed again (not a good habit)
Rarity: And then took out a cigarette and started smoking.
Twilight: (not a good habit)
Rarity: And then started stabbing himself in the stomach with a kitchen knife.
Twilight: (not a good habit)
and went over to the drunken pony. He dragged his sorry ass to a couch, laid him there, and returned to his seat.
“Okay, now that that’s done… your bet Second.”
Twilight: I think you added an r in by accident. It should read, "you bet second".
“Of course Coal. I see your seven bits and raise it twenty-three, for a total of thirty bits.”
“High rolla!” Someone piped in.
Author: Holy crap, who does that annoying voice belong to? Honestly, I'd punch that piping idiot in the-
“Author…
Author: ...
Twilight: Well?
Author: (Proceeds to punch self in the face.)
just go write a story or something…”
Author: I already am.
Author: Yeah, I already... Wait, what?!
Rarity: The story you is using the same author powers that real you uses.
Twilight: The entire universe has just collapsed in on itself.
“Wh-who said that?” Kyle Bucy asked.
Author: I am legion, for we are many.
Author: Gah! Stop doing that, only I'm allowed to do that!
Twilight: That IS you!
Author: Oh yeah. Um... Nice bible reference, me!
Author: Thanks, me!
Author: No problem! Brohoof! (Greatest brohoof of all time performed.)
Rarity: I don't know what happened.
Author: Well, you see...
Rarity: I also don't WANT to know what happened!
“He’s using the speaker, guys.” Kyle unplugged the speaker.
“Shoot. FOILED AGAIN! I would have gotten away with it to if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”
Rarity: Constant references to pop culture? It seems this writer's got you pegged, author.
Author said in a mock-adult voice.
Author: Um... I'm twenty.
Twilight: Have you ever mentioned your age before?
Author: Well, no...
Twilight: Then it's not his fault now, is it?
Author: ... No, it isn't. ... Bitch.
“Author, sit down, and play poker or I’ll get Coal to make you.” Second warned rather non-menacingly. Using someone else as a threat works like that.
Twilight: It says so in the threats user manual.
“…okay.” Author sat back down, crestfallen.
Author: Bah! I bet if I was there and not this stupid copy of me, I wouldn't have backed down!
Rarity: Do you even know who this Coal is?
Author: Pfft. No. And I don't need to. He sounds like an absolute pansy!
Twilight: Here's the story he's from. Give it a read.
Author: (Speed reads through My Second Life.) ... QUICK! AUTHOR IN THE STORY! DO WHAT SECOND SAID, QUICK!
Twilight: Oh yeah, I can see you're definitely willing to stand up to him. Pansy.
“Um… Kyle your bet.”
“BRILLIANT! Let’s do this; LEEEEEEEROOOOYYYY JJJEEEENNNKINS…all in!”
Author: I calculate a 33.3- repeating of course- chance that he's going to win this hand.
“All in?!” Everyone asked disbelievingly.
“All in.” He leaned back in his chair. “Dis gon’ be good.”
Author: Cue black guy with a chair.
With renewed determination, everyone looked at their hands.
“How many bits is that, Kyle?” Coal asked.
“Two hundred my dear fellow.”
“Whoa. Okay then. Your bet Kyle Bucy.”
Author: "How am I doing today, Kyle Bucy?"
Author: "You're doing great!"
Author: "Good! Then I'll keep it up!"
Rarity: Why are there...?
Author: We've teamed up.
“Hmm… I fold.” He gave in his cards. “I’m going to get something to drink.”
And with that, Kyle Bucy left the game.
Author: Either he rage quitted or his connection was lost.
“Alright then. Josh, your bet.” Coal stated.
“Ugh…” He looked at his cards nervously. “Um… CLIFF!”
“What?”
Rarity: "Get over here, Cliff, I want your opinion on something."
Josh jumped out the window.
Twilight: Along with my understanding of what's going on.
“Hm. Must have cracked under the pressure.” Second observed.
Coal sighed and left the room after Josh. The break had begun.
Rarity: Well, doesn't that sound... epic?
“So…Connor…how’s life?” Kyle asked casually.
Author: "Is confidential, I cannot tell you. So, how is your sex life?"
“Oh? Fine…fine.”
“… So how’s Fluttersh-“
“I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON HER! NO WAY NO HOW!”
Twilight: Good cover.
“…okay? I’m glad I asked…”
Kyle awkwardly walked away from the nervous wreck. He looked at his conversation options: Second, the depressed Author,
Author: I'm not depressed. Sure, I've just been horribly insulted by a fellow writer... (Grabs carton of ice cream, a ladle, and a one pound chocolate bar. Turns the TV on and flips to Paasions.) ... but it's not like I'm depressed or anything...
Twilight: Do you want to talk about it?
Author: NO. Oh, ice cream, you're the only one that understands me...
and the snoozing Fiery. He decided to just sit and wait.
Second looked mischievously at the unplugged stereo. He sneakily plugged it back in and picked up the microphone that was attached to it.
Heh heh heh.
Rarity: Did the narration just laugh?
He tapped the microphone.
Author: I never knew he swung that way.
“Poppin’ bottles in the ice, like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right gettin’ slizzard
Sippin sizzurp in my ride like Three 6
Now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6”
Everyone who remained looked disbelievingly at the jamming Second. Connor groaned.
Rarity: Along with the rest of the readers.
Twilight: It's not like he's going to write out the entire song, right? Right?
“Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Author: Out of all the songs to sing, why this? I mean, it's a decent enough song but... How the hell do you sing this without synthesizers or something?
Hell Yea
Drink it up, drink-drink it up,
When sober girls around me, they be actin’ like they drunk
They be actin’ like they drunk, actin-actin like they drunk
When sober girls around me they be actin’ like they drunk”
Despite the circumstances, Second was actually pretty dope on the mic.
Author: (Snickers.) Alright, that just made me laugh.
Poppin’ bottles in the ice, like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard
Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6
Now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Twilight: Okay, what in Equestria is a slizzard?
Author: It's, uh, better you don't ask...
By now Coal had returned with Josh (who looked pretty beat up) and was giving the oblivious Second a blank stare.
Hell Yea
Drink it up, drink-drink it up,
When sober girls around me, they be actin’ like they drunk
They be actin’ like they drunk, actin-actin like they drunk
When sober girls around me they be actin’ like they drunk
Twilight: Looking at this from a scientific point of view, I suppose it's possible that some human males could secrete a pheromone that holds properties not unlike alcohol, eliciting drunken reactions from the opposite sex in a means to procreate with them.
Author: ... Eeyup.
Poppin’ bottles in the ice, like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard
Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6
Now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Author: I'm felling pretty fly for a rabbi.
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Kyle and Author joined in.
Author: No... NO... NOOOO! Curse you, other me, you're making me look stupid!
Somehow rave lights shined across the room.
It’s that eight-o’eight bump, make you put yo hands up
Make you put yo hands up, put put yo, put yo hands up
It’s that eight-o’eight bump, make you put yo hands up
Make you put yo hands up, put yo, put yo hands up
Hell Yea, make you put yo hands up
Make you put yo hands up, put put yo, put yo hands up
Hell Yea, make you put yo hands up
Make you put yo hands up, put yo, put yo hands up
Rarity: I'm getting the impression that we're supposed to put our hands up. Or should I say our hooves?
Poppin’ bottles in the ice, like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard
Sippin sizzurp in my ride, in my ride, like Three 6
Now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6”
Author: (Singing.) Now now now now I'm feeling so fly (Notices Rarity and Twilight staring at him.)... Like a... G6... (Coughs.) What do you want me to say? It's catchy...
“…”
Second sat down and looked at his cards.
“Come on. Let’s play.”
Everyone just stared for a second,
Rarity: I think you mean they "stared at Second".
shrugged, and sat down. They had all seen worse.
Twilight: Oh, yeah, like that one time author had tried singing Poker Face. That went over great.
Author: We agreed never to speak of that again...
Somehow Fiery was still asleep and Josh had passed out.
“Umm…I call the bet.” Coal said, pushing in his two hundred bits. “And Josh and Fiery fold automatically.”
“I call it too.” Author said, now more confident due to his performance.
Author: Oh yeah, this is more like it... Time to start kicking some ass!
“Erm…I need to go to do um… something that doesn’t involve Fluttershy… I fold…” Connor said as he left, half running.
Twilight: And the other half?
Rarity: Skipping?
Twilight: Flying?
Author: Silly walking?
“Okay. Second?” Coal asked.
“I call.” Second stated.
“The flop.” Coal showed the flop. It was an ace of spades, a two of diamonds, and a king of hearts.
“Damn. That’s awful.” Kyle commented,
Author: We're the only ones that make comments around here!
now re-looking at his cards.
“Your bet Second.”
“Hmm… I check
Twilight: "Somepony into a wall."
in favor of Kyle.”
“Okay. Kyle can’t bet… so Author?”
Author: What a 4th wall breaker.
Author: I know, right? He always... Wait a second, stop doing that! You're throwing me off!
“Author… stop.” Coal growled.
“What?” I’m just sitting here.”
They looked and sure enough, Author was sitting there without the microphone.
Author: But then... Who...?
Rarity: Don't look at me, I was lost from the first sentence.
“Then…who was that?” Author asked, quite scared.
Author: I'm with you all the way man.
Twilight: Let's see... One real author, one story author, and one author who may or may not exist. That's three I count. Pardon me while I start to cry.
The microphone was unplugged, probably yanked out during Second’s song.
“I’ve heard weirder things than that from Pinkie. Let’s just go… Author?”
Author: Yes? Oh, wait, you were talking to other me.
Coal shrugged.
“Hmm… I check also.”
“Alright. I-“
”OH NO! AN EVIL DEMON IS TRYING TO KILL US ALL! WE NEED SOME HELP!”
Coal sighed and put down his cards. “I guess I’ll go take care of that. Make sure Fluffy gets her food if I don’t come back.”
Rarity: Who?
Author: The Cerberus from Harry Potter, duh!
He picked up his giant sword, and looked it over. “It could be worse. It could be spewing lasers out its-“
Twilight: please don't tell me he was going to say what I think he was going to say...
“OH DEAR GOD! IT’S SHOOTING LASERS OUT ITS EYES! AND I THINK IT JUST ATE SOME KID! OH SWEET JESUS! NOW IT’S LITERALLY CRAPPING OUT BOMBS! HELP!”
Coal just sighed and left the room, crying a little on the inside.
“Wow. What a soldier.” Author commented.
Author: Haha! Good one, me!
Rarity: But that doesn't make any-
Author: SHUT UP, I'M FUNNY.
Twilight: Isn't the phrase, "What a trooper"?
Author: Bah! Story me is so awesome, he doesn't need to use common phrases correctly!
“That’s because for us it’s a giant laser shooting demon who craps bombs, but to him it’s Tuesday.” Second theorized.
Author: (Chuckles.) Okay, I've gotta admit, that was a really funny line.
“…probably.”
“I’ll deal.” Kyle said as he picked up the deck. Only Second, Kyle and Author remained.
Author: Finally! The writer ditched the other characters! Obviously he's going to put more focus on me!
Rarity: Oh... And the story was going so well.
Author: Shut. Up.
“The turn”
It revealed a three of diamonds.
“Heh. Three diamonds. Like Rarity’s flank. Heh.”
All: ...
Author: (Sighs.) I get it.
Kyle commented, chuckling like a forever alone teenager.
“I check again.” Second knocked on the table nonchalantly.
“Me too.” Author and Kyle said at the same time. They shared a look then looked away feeling weird.
Author: Whoa.
Rarity: What?
Author: I... I think I just felt that.
Twilight: Oh my... Do you realize what this means?! You two could be the same being, possibly separated by time, or space! What seems to be a fictional rendition of you could actually be the exact same being, just seperated into different planes of existence while still retaining-
Author: Wait... Sorry, the weird feeling was just a bit of gas I had.
Twilight: ... Never mind.
“Okie dokie lokie… awkward penguin… the river.” Kyle stuttered. He flipped over the last card: a queen of clubs.
“Is that… a straight?!” Second asked, thoroughly flabbergasted.
Twilight: As opposed to shallowly flabbergasted.
The whole thing showed an ace of spades, a two of diamonds, a king of hearts, a three of hearts, and a queen of diamonds.
“Nope! Chuck Testa! The ace can’t be used high and low.” Kyle explained.
Author: Pop culture references, eh? I like this Kyle.
“I see.”
“Second?”
“I check again.”
“I check also. Author?”
“Mhm.”
Twilight: Wow, Author, what incredible wit you have there.
Rarity: I found the part where he went "mhm" quite enjoyable.
Author: (Grumbles something unintelligible.)
Things were tense.
Rarity: Past, present, or future?
A total of six hundred and forty bits were on the line. Even Kyle and Author didn’t crack a joke.
Twilight: For once.
Author: Why the hell are you two ganging up on me?!
Rarity: You're making us read this, are you not?
Author: Touche.
“Author. You show.” Kyle ordered.
“What?! Why me?”
“I dunno. Just do it.”
Author hesitantly flipped over his cards to reveal two aces.
“DAYUM GIRLLL! That’s a good hand!” Kyle commented.
Author: I know, right? I'm definitely going to win this ha- Wait, did you just call me a girl?
“Heheheheh. HAHAHAHAHAH!” Second bellowed.
“Um… you okay bro?”
Twilight: "Don't mind me, I break out into evil laughter every now and then."
Author was a little hesitant to say anything after his little outburst.
Rarity: Whose outburst? There's about three people you could be referring to.
“Yep. I just won six hundred bits biatch!”
Author: And now he's calling me a female dog. Ass.
Twilight: And you just called him a donkey.
Author: Touche.
Second flipped his hand over to show he had a four and five.That made a low straight.
“I’ll be taking all this, thank you.” Second scooped up the money.
Suddenly, Kyle Bucy burst out of the bathroom. “Oh gawd that stinks… I mean OBJECTION!”
Rarity: No, I believe the first statment was what you meant to say.
Second stopped, surprised.
“You have yet to see Kyle’s hand! He could have a better hand!”
“What? No he couldn’t…unless...” Second’s eyes widened. “NO! HE COULDN”T HAVE-“
Twilight: That's right! Kyle has a SUPER low straight!
“A royal straight.” Both Kyles said in unison, while Kyle flipped over his cards to show a jack and a ten.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I NEVER WIN ANYTHING!!!” Second cried, while running out the door.
Rarity: What a drama queen. Honestly, who would over react to something like that?
Author: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I didn't win, the writer hates me!!!
Twilight: Your question has just been answered.
“I told you that this was gon’ be good.” Kyle said, high fiving Kyle Bucy.
Author: Don't do that! He just went to the bathroom, and you have no clue which hand he wipes with!
Suddenly, the whole house toppled over. The three looked at the giant demon standing there, screaming and firing lasers and pooping bombs.
“I’ll go check on Fluffy.” Kyle said, already running.
Author: "You know... I wonder if we have time for a second round of Texas Hold'em?"
Twilight: So, author, did it live up to your expectations?
Author: ... No. I was expecting a little bit more praise, or something.
Rarity: Oh, don't let it get to you, dearie. Everypony has to learn to laugh at themselves once in a while.
Author: True.
Twilight: And all the other characters were being mocked just as much. He wasn't torturing you specifically.
Author: ... You know what? Yeah! You're right! I got featured in a story because I'm awesome, and that's all that counts! Mister Fluttershy, if you're reading this, allow me to say, a job well done!
Rarity: See? That's the spirit-
Author: But if you do it again I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron.
Rarity: Close enough. Twilight, would you be a dear?
Twilight: Sure.
(Presses the button, which was completely unnecessary since they weren't trapped in the first place, but it was still a good way to end the riff anyway.