Hey, RatherHomely here. For the new readers, I always leave a note at the beginning of each story giving my real thoughts on the story, as opposed to the characters within who tear the story a new one.
Cupcakes is... Well... It kind of sucks. But you probably already knew that. Not only is it a dull read (Gore is not compelling. It's just disgusting.), but the original version had more grammar and spelling errors than leaves on a tree. The only entertainment I actually get is laughter from how ridiculously over the top it is.
From what I've heard, the guy who wrote this actually writes legitimate stories, and wrote this one just to see if it would get any attention.
It did. It did...
A fan reading of this chapter can be found here.
Enjoy!

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Author: Well, it’s about time I sat down and wrote something about ponies. But what? Perhaps I’ll ship an OC with Fluttershy? Yes, that’s brilliant! Or, should I say, I’m brilliant!
Twilight: Yeah, sure you are.
Author: What the…? Oh, Twilight, Rarity, what are you two doing here? Can’t you see I’m in the middle of my ever-so-important brainstorming stage?
Rarity: Well, that must be one pathetic storm then. Brainstorming for you is, what, a light drizzle?
Author: Oh, ha ha, you’re freaking hilarious. Now what do you two want?
Twilight: What do you mean us? You’re the one who called us here to do your new story.
Rarity: What are you going to have us do, another gore story?
Author: NO. And I don’t know what you guys are talking about. I haven't called for you at all.
Rarity: Hold on a tic… If you didn’t send us that message, then who…?
(Suddenly, all the doors swing shut, locking firmly, and a television mounted on the wall lights up, with Pinkie Pie’s face filling the screen.)
Pinkie Pie: Muahaha! It was I, you fools! And now that you’ve fallen into my DEVIOUS trap, you shall suffer a fate unlike any other!
Author: Oh crap, she’s really snapped! All this time I thought she was just eccentric, but she really is crazy!
(Rainbow Dash’s head pops into view on the screen.)
Rainbow Dash: Geez, author, just chill out! It’s just a prank…
Pinkie Pie: SHHH! They aren’t supposed to know that!
(Author, Rarity and Twilight exchange looks.)
Twilight: Okay Pinkie Pie, what do you have planned this time?
Pinkie Pie: I’m going to do something so EVIL and VILE… Something so cruel-
Rainbow Dash: And horrifying!
Pinkie Pie: That you won’t sleep for weeks! Our prank for you this week is that you have to read…
Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash: "CUPCAKES"!
Rainbow Dash: We’re so awesome!
Pinkie Pie: I know!
Author: Wait… Are you telling me that you’re going to have me, Rarity, and Twilight do an MST? Of Cupcakes?
Pinkie Pie: It’s going to be so much fun!
Rarity: For you, maybe! You don’t have to read that piece of trash!
Author: Hasn’t somepony already done this? Seriously, SOMEPONY has had to have done this already!
Pinkie Pie: Nope!
Author: C’mon, NOPONY has MSTed Cupcakes yet? In the entire world of bronies, not a single fan has done an MST of Cupcakes?
Pinkie Pie: My magical Google searching powers have revealed no results! (RatherHomely's note: That was true at the time I wrote this. Not quite so true now.)
Author: … Seriously?
Pinkie Pie: Abso-Lutely!
Author: … I find that hard to believe.
Twilight: No worries! We’ll survive! After all, you’ve read the story before, right author?
Author: Oh, um, well… I skimmed it?
Rarity: You skimmed it?
Author: Hey, the story was really boring! Give me a break!
Rainbow Dash: C’mon, let’s get started already! Start the story! (sniggers) I can hardly wait to see the looks on your faces!
Author: Fine! Alright so… We got story sign? Fic sign? Whatever, just start it.

---

Cupcakes by Sergeant Sprinkles: World's Greatest Party Clown

Twilight: Well, this bodes well.
Author: He’s definitely a guy I’d hire for my kid’s birthday party.
Rarity: I can already tell the fashion sense in this story is going to be exquisite…

The air was warm, the sun was shining, and all of Ponyville was having a glorious day.

Author: But the Sprinkles, who lived north of Ponyville, was not!

The town square was bustling and crowded. Busy ponies were making their busy way through the streets.

Twilight: And lazy ponies were making their lazy way through the streets.

All the pony folk seemed to have somewhere to be. All, except Rainbow Dash. Her place was in the sky.

Rarity: Isn't the sky "somewhere to be"?.

She freely tore through the air,

Author: Poor air!

speeding one way and the next. She buzzed the tree tops and raced the wind.

Twilight: And the winner is…
Author: No one! Because they’re both stuck in this crappy story!

The pegasus swooped over a schoolyard, much to the delight of the children.

Rarity: Those must be exceedingly bored children.

Climbing several hundred feet,

Author: She should’ve flown. It would've been much easier than climbing.

she dove, going as fast as she could. Seconds before hitting the ground, her wings flew open and she took off back into the clear blue. Rainbow felt alive.

Twilight: In reality, she was actually a zombie.
Author: I’m getting the feeling that she won't be feeling alive much longer.

Then she remembered that she had somewhere to be; she supposed to meet with Pinkie Pie in five minutes. She’d gotten so caught up in her exercises that she nearly forgot.

Rarity: Her regular workout consists of twenty reps of flying over school yards.
Twilight: To the delight of the children, of course.

Pinkie had asked Dash to meet her at Sugercube Corner at three. She didn’t say why or what they’d be doing, but Dash knew that with Pinkie, it could be anything.

Author: Except murder. It couldn’t possibly be that!

She wasn’t sure if she really wanted to go, though. She was so engaged with her stunts that she thought about blowing Pinkie off to continue flying. But, Dash’s conscience got the better of her. She knew that it would hurt Pinkie’s feelings; after all, she said it was going to be something special just for the two of them.

Rarity: Just the two of them and a bed, of course.

She considered it and thought “why not.” What did she have to lose?

Rarity: Her life?
Twilight: Her sanity?
Author: Her respect in the eyes of the fandom? Oh, sorry, that’s Sprinkles I’m thinking of.

Heck, it might be more pranking. Pinkie might have found a bunch more fun stuff to pull off on folks. They’d so much fun the last time.

Twilight: Oh yeah, I bet Pinkie Pie is going to prank a knife through Rainbow Dash’s skull…
Author: Sounds like fun to me!

Dash kicked it into overdrive, mostly to make for lost time,

Rarity: But also to advance the plot.

and sped to her appointment.

Author: “Pardon me, Ms. Dash, do you know why I pulled you over?”

When she walked into the store, she was immediately greeted with her host bouncing in excitement.

Rarity: Pinkie Pie, don’t bounce in that excitement! You’ll get dirty!
Twilight: Oh, now it’s all over the carpet! It’s going to take weeks to get it out!

“Yay, you’re here, you’re here.

Author: She sounds so excited, what with the lack of exclamation mark and everything.

I’ve been waiting allll day.” Said the jumping pony.
“Sorry if I’m a little late, Pinkie. I was doing my afternoon exercises and lost track of time.” Dash apologized.
Pinkie giggled and responded, her tone gleefully reassuring, “Oh that’s ok, you’re here now. What‘s a few more minutes. I’ve been sooooo excited thinking about all fun stuff we’re gonna do, I haven’t stopped bouncing since I woke up.

Twilight: “In fact, I was bouncing even before I woke up!”

I mean, I almost forgot to breath I’ve been so happy.”

Author: I’d have been happy if you’d just forgotten to breath. It'd cut this story short.

Dash gave a slightly uncomfortable laugh.

Rarity: That’s entirely different from a fully uncomfortably laugh.
Twilight: But it is pretty close to a quarter laugh.

She always appreciated Pinkie’s friendly, outgoing way of life, but her overabundant enthusiasm almost creeped her out. Dash was polite, however.

Rarity: Hah! I’ve never heard a bigger lie in my life!

If Pinkie was got this worked up, then it must good; whatever it was.

Author: Actually, Pinkie just seems moderately worked up, I’d say whatever she has planned will be mediocre at best.

“So, you ready to get started, Rainbow Dash? I’ve got everything all ready.” The pink one said.
Dash psyched herself up.

Author: Those lessons from Iron Will really payed off.

“ You betcha, Pinkie. You what do ya got planed? We gonna prank somebody? I got a couple of good ones I’ve been thinking about. Or maybe you got some stunts you think I should try? Or maybe…”

Rarity: You could edit poorly written stories? I know just which one to start with...

“MAKING CUPCAKES!” Pinkie happily announced.
“Baking”? Dash was disappointed. “Pinkie, you know I’m not good baking. Remember the last time?”

Author: “The blood was everywhere! And we had to spend WEEKS getting that gelatin out of the toaster!”

“Oh that’s not a problem at all. I only need your help making them.

Rarity: Hence why Rainbow was saying she isn’t good at baking...

I’ll be doing most of the work.” Pinkie explained.
Dash thought for about it for a second

Author: Literally.

and replied, “Well, alright, I guess that’s ok. What exactly do need me to do”?

Twilight: "Fall unconscious for start."

“That’s the spirit. Here you go.” Pinkie handed Dash a cupcake.
Dash was puzzled “I thought I was helping you bake.”
“You will be. I made this one just for you before you got here.
“So, is this like taste testing or something?”
“Sorta” Pinkie said.

Twilight: “And by sorta, I mean no.”

Dash shrugged and popped the pastry in her mouth. She chewed a bit and swallowed. Not bad.
“Ok, now what?” Dash asked.
“Now,” Pinkie informed “You take a nap.”

Author: It’s a TRAP!

Upon hearing that, Dash felt lightheaded.

Rarity: She began to float up into the air.

Her world spun and ,seconds later, she dropped to the floor.

Author: And pulled off some rad break dancing. Seriously, wouldn’t that be a great end to this fic?
Twilight: Sorry, but it looks like we aren’t quite done yet.

When Dash regained conciseness,

Rarity: Turns out she misplaced it under her bed.

she found herself in a dark room.

Author: I never knew Pinkie Pie was a photographer.

She tried to shake her head but found that the taut leather strap kept it firmly in place. She struggled to move, but the braces around her chest and limbs glued her to the upright planks. Her legs were spread wide apart. The only part of her not tied down were her wings as the frame was backless.

Author: My, oh my… How kinky.
Twilight: That was a cheap shot.
Rarity: It’s ALL a cheap shot, darling.

As she writhed, Pinkie jumped into her line of sight.
“Goodie, you’re awake. Now we can get started.”

Twilight: “Viewing my vacation photos! I knew you’d try to run at around picture number 348!”

She gleefully stated. She was pushing a cart covered with a cloth.
“Pinkie, what’s going on? I can’t move!” Dash said in a worry.

Rarity: Rainbow Dash! Get out of that worry this instant!

“Well, duh, you’re tied down.” Pinkie chided “That’s why you can’t move. I didn’t think you needed to told that.”

Twilight: Rainbow should’ve read the previous paragraph.
Author: And this story sucks, but I didn’t think you needed to be told that either.

“But why?

Rarity: Sprinkles made it so.

What’s happening? I thought you said I was going to help make cupcakes.”
“You are helping. You see. I ran out of the special ingredient and I need you to get more.”

Author: Well she can’t go off to get more if she’s tied down!

“Special ingredient”? Dash was now breathing heavily and starting to panic. “What special ingredient”?
Pinkie giggled and responded “You, silly”
Dash’s eyes widen, her face contorted in fear. Then she started to laugh ”Woo, really got me there, Pinkie pie. I mean, tricking me in to thinking I’m gonna get made to a cupcake.

Twilight: What does that sentence even mean?

I gotta tell you, this the best prank yet. You win, you’re the best.“
Pinkie giggled even more. “Aw, thanks Dash. But I haven’t done pranks today, so I can’t accept your praise. “
Dash was struggling again. “Pinkie, come on, this isn’t funny.”

Rarity: Don’t worry, Dashie, we don’t think any of this is funny.

“Then why were you laughing”?
Pinkie grabbed the cloth and whipped it off the cart.

Author: Indiana Pinkie: Quest for the Golden Cupcake.

The top of the tray contained various sharp medical tools and knives carefully organized and ready.

Rarity: Yes, and the bottom of the tray…?
Twilight: At the very least this is going to be a nice, tidy gore fic.

There was a medicine bag and several other objects next to them.

Twilight: But those weren’t important enough to describe, so you can probably ignore them.

Dash was now in full panic mode.

Author: Previously she’d been in partial panic mode.

She was starting to hyperventilate. Her mind was racing

Rarity: The wind?

and she tried to reason with the pink pony. “You can’t do this Pinkie! I’m your friend!”

Author: Persuasive argument. Let’s hear the retort.

“I know you are and that’s why I’m so happy it’s that I’ve got you here. We get to share your last moments together, just you and me.”

Author: Alright, so while I thought Rainbow made a pretty solid friend argument, Pinkie gave a good psycho rebuttal. Opinions?
Twilight: Friendship IS magic, so I’m going to go with Rainbow on this one.
Rarity: I’d say Pinkie, as her psychotic ramblings do argue her position well.

She was skipping again.

Author: Holy crap!
Twilight: Again? Really?
Rarity: Honestly, where’s she even skipping to?

“But, the other ponies will wonder where I am. When the clouds pile up, they’ll come looking for me and then you’ll get found out.” Dash was desperate.
“Oh, Dash” Pinkie said “don‘t worry, there are plenty of pegasus to take care of a few clouds.

Author: Seriously, how narcissistic can you GET, Rainbow Dash?

And besides, no will find out. I mean, how long do you think I’ve been doing this?”

Twilight: Five minutes?
Rarity: 500 words?
Author: Since Sprinkles said “Screw being in character, I have gore!”?

And with that the lights suddenly came to life

Author: “It’s alive! IT’S ALIVE!”

and showcased the rest the room.

Rarity: “And this room here is a wonderful addition to any household!”

“Oh god, no” Dash reeled in

Twilight: A humongous fish!

horror at the image presented to her.

Twilight: Vacation photos! I was right!

The room was decorated with a typical but twisted Pinkie Pie flair. Colorful streamers of dried entrails danced around the ceiling,

Rarity: I prefer my entrails to be wet when hung, that way they’re more flexible and can be draped in more creative patterns.

brightly painted skulls of all sizes were stuck on the walls,

Author: Help! I’ve gotten stuck in a wall and I can’t get up!

and organs done up in pastels filled with helium tied to the backs of chairs. The tables and chairs were made of bones and flesh of past ponies. Dash cringed at the center piece on the table nearest to her.

Rarity: Obviously the centerpiece has clashing colors.

The heads of four foals, their eyes closed like they were sleeping, wearing party hats made from their own skin. She recognized one of them as Apple Bloom’s classmate.

Author: That’s kind of creepy. How does she know the classmate of a filly she isn’t related to? I’m getting a stalker vibe off this pegasus.

Her eyes darted back and forth and then gazed up at the patchwork banner hanging from the rafters. Made from several pony hides, the words “Life is a party” were scrawled in red.

Twilight: Isn’t that sweet, Pinkie Pie decorated with ketchup.

Dash’s attention was stolen

Author: “I’d like to file a police report. Someone stole my attention.”

by a party horn unfurling and tickling her nose. She saw Pinkie Pie standing in front of her. The party pony was wearing a dress quilted from cutie marks. On her back fluttered six pegasus wings, all different colors.

Rarity: At the very least she could've had the color of those wings matching.

As she skipped in excitement,

Author: Hey, careful Pinkie, you’re going to…
Twilight: Oh geez, she got it all over the rug!

her necklace of unicorn horns loudly clacked together.

Rarity: So unicorn horns are hollow? Fascinating!
Author: Sprinkles said it, so it must be canon!

“Like it”? She asked “I made it myself.”

Twilight: “I got a little help from the other ponies at my weekly arts and crafts club meeting.”

Dash pleaded. “Pinkie please, I’m sorry if I did anything to you. I didn’t mean it. Please let me go. I promise I won’t tell anybody.”

Author: “No. Please. Stop it.” (Yawns) “I’m so scared.”

“Oh Dash, you didn’t do anything. It’s just that your number came up and, well, I don’t make rules.

Rarity: All rules are designed and upheld by the Council of Rather Silly Fic Ideas.

We can’t turn back now.”
Rainbow Dash was tearing up.

Author: I guess Rainbow is made of paper.

How could this be happening?

Twilight: I think we’re all asking that question at this point.

“Aww don’t be sad Dash” Pinkie said “Look this’ll cheer you up. I brought you a friend.”
Out of seemingly nowhere,

Author: Hyperspace strikes again!

Pinkie displayed a blue and yellow painted skull. It was about pony sized, but it had a very defining feature: a beak.
Dash was freaking out. “Is…is that….is…that?”

Twilight: “Is… that is that.... is… is… that…

““Hey, Dash lets hang together. These ponies are lame-os. Dweebs dweebs dweebs.” Pinkie mimicked.

Author: Wait, I know this one! Um, Derpy… No…
Rarity: Is it Tom?
Twilight: You’re both wrong! That’s a Bloomberg impression!

“I caught her right before she left town.

Twilight: “You wouldn’t BELIEVE the size of that butterfly net!”

Remember when I left the party for about twenty minutes? That wasn’t enough time to play with her of course,

Rarity: Of course!

I had to wait till after the party to do that. But boy am I glad I did. It was worth for the flavor alone. Griffons taste like two animals at once, it’s amazing.

Author: “It’s like turducken, except less duck and more pony.”

I know she didn’t have number like everyone else in Ponville, but when was I gonna get another chance to try a griffon.

Twilight: Griffon single bar?

I hindsight,

Author: “You Jane.”

I probably should have asked where she came from so I can get more, but I forgot.

Rarity: It happens to the best of us, Pinkie Pie.

I’ll tell you what though, she was quite the fighter. Lasted a long time, which was fun for me, I got chance to play with somebody other than a pony and try new things.

Author: Variety is the spice of life!

It’s too bad she had such a potty mouth. She said so much bad stuff, I had to take her tongue out. You know, bad language makes for bad feelings, Dash.”

Twilight: I never heard that before.
Rarity: Perhaps that’s the real message of this story?
Author: The Tao of Sprinkles.

Dash didn’t have anything to say. She just sobbed and writhed.
“Well” Pinkie said, putting the skull down” that’s enough reminiscing, it’s time to begin.”

Twilight: About time! I was waiting for this part!
Author: Actually, I think it’s about time to take a break.
Rarity: I concur. Are we allowed to take a break?
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) Of course! I’m not THAT mean! Rainbow Dash though…
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) HEY!

---

Twilight: Alright, so what did you two think of the story so far?
Author: Shit.
Rarity: Stool.
Twilight: Now, we have to be fair and give Sprinkles the benefit of the doubt. I think the story could… use some work. Any constructive criticism?
Author: Write a different story?
Rarity: Maybe if he tried changing some characters. And perhaps a different setting. And plot. And genre.
Author: So, write a different story?
Twilight: Okay, so maybe Sprinkles needs a bit more than constructive criticism…
Author: Hey, quick question, since we’re doing an MST and all that, and you guys apparently know what it is, do you guys have a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 in your universe?
Twilight: Kind of. But here it’s called Mystery Magic Theatre 3000. At first it was hosted by the pony Joy, but in later seasons Spike took over.
Author: Spike? As in, baby dragon Spike?
Rarity: Crazy, I know.
Twilight: They’re stuck on the Moon of Friendship, and are sent horrible movies by Dr. Everfreeforrester.
Rarity: There is constant debate over whether Joy or Spike was the better host.
Author: Alright, I’m going to stop asking questions before these puns get out of hand, because- (Buzzer goes off) We got story sign!

---

She picked up a scalpel and walked over to Dash’s right flank.

Author: Then Johnson will strike at Rainbow’s left flank with a mortar barrage!

Without any flair,

Twilight: Pinkie, you should really be more passionate about your work!

she placed the blade an inch above her cutie mark and started a circular cut around it.

Rarity: Failing at a perfect circle, she took out any psycho’s best friend; the sextant.

Her lungs working overtime,

Author: They get paid 1.5 times the wage for that, right?

Dash shouted in pain and tried desperately to pull away. But the braces held her still. Finishing the incision, Pinkie grabbed the curved skinning knife from the tray.

Author: I hear the ponies over in Ponyville have curved knives. CURVED KNIVES.

She worked it under the skin and sliced the hide away from the muscle. Dash ground her teeth as she tearfully watched as her flesh came off. Pinkie then moved to the other side and completed the other flank. Once she was done, Pinkie held up both cutie marks in front of her friend and started waving them like pompoms.

Twilight: Gimme an F! Gimme a U! What does that spell?!

Dash just whimpered. Her thighs burned.

Author: She shouldn’t have done such a thorough StairMaster workout!

Placing the skin down, Pinkie selected the large butcher knife

Author: Butcher knife! I choose you!

and walked behind Rainbow Dash.
“Hope you don’t mind, I think I’m

Author: (Puts on sunglasses)

gonna wing it now.

Author: YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH!

“ Pinkie laughed. She grabbed the left one and played with it for a second.

Twilight: Must’ve been a pretty boring wing.

Then, stretching the wing out, she brought the blade down at the base. Instantly, Dash screamed and thrashed her appendage. The movement threw off Pinkie Pies aim.

Rarity: Don’t you just hate it when that happens?

She tried to hit the mark again but missed wide and put a huge slice in Rainbow’s back.
“Dash, you gotta stay still or I’ll keep missing.”
She took another whack and hit the target.

Twilight: Whack-a-Rainbow!

She swung again and again, blood spraying into the air, but realized she wasn’t getting anywhere.

Twilight: No offense, Pinkie Pie, but for doing this so many times, you really suck at this.

The blade just wasn’t going through the bone.
“Hmm, I guess I forgot to sharpen it. I’ll try something else.

Rarity: Don’t worry. Happens to the best of us.
Twilight: She’s really forgetful.

” She stated as she tossed the knife over her shoulder; the blade embedding itself in the table.
The crying Rainbow Dash heard the sound of a metal box opening and closing.
“Got it! Say Dash, why do they call it a hack saw? It doesn’t hack; hacking is what I was doing with the knife. This is a saw. I don’t get it.”

Author: Badum-Tish.
Twilight: “Thank you! I’ll be here all night!”

Pinkie placed the tool over the last attempt. It effortlessly sailed through the bone and skin. The painful feeling of the teeth grinding biting into her made Dash want to vomit.

Rarity: But I thought it sailed through the bone?

She watched helplessly as her wing flew over her head

Twilight: And out the window, setting out for a life on its own.

and land with a fluff on the table.

Rarity: The wing and the fluff got married and had five children. The end.

Pinkie moved the next and started sawing.

Twilight: The next had been in the way, you see.

Dash didn’t struggle this time;

Rarity: Struggling is SO last incision!

she’d given up trying to fight and just cried. Then the sawing abruptly paused. Pinkie was only half way done, the wing hanging off by only a sliver.
“Hey Dash” she piped up “think fast”
Suddenly, she yanked the wing as hard as sure could.

Rarity: Sure was a very good yanker.

The bone snapped but the skin held tight. The pull ripped a long strip flesh down Dash’s back to her rump.

Author: I’m not sure flesh works that way.
Twilight: If I stub my hoof, does all the skin on my leg peel off?

The unexpected trauma caused her body seize. She felt the warm release between legs as her pelvis tensed up. Dash’s loud, unending melody of pain filled the room.

Author: (singing) Nobody knows… The troubles I’ve seen.

Unable to catch her breath, she blacked out.
She awoke with a gasp. The stench of her urine filled her mucus caked nostrils.

Rarity: Any lady of proper etiquette knows how to identify their own urine by smell.

She saw a very pouty Pinkie Pie removing the adrenaline needle from her chest. Stomping her hooves, the frustrated Pinkie lashed out.
“Didn’t anybody teach you any manners? It’s very rude to fall asleep when somebody invites you over to spend time with them. How would like if I came over to your house and went to sleep. “Oh I’m sorry Dash, you’re boring, I think I’ll take a nap.” You think I like always doing this by myself. I told you how excited I got when I found you were next. I was excited to have to a friend be here with me while I worked. But NOOOOO! You’ve got to be inconsiderate. You know, I thought you were tough, I thought you could handle anything. I’ve had foals stand up better than you. Do I have to baby you? Huh? Is that how you want me to remember you, as a baby?”

Twilight: “Me? A BABY? Damn it, Pinkie, hand me that knife, and let me show you how to REALLY torture me!”

She stopped to catch her breath. Dash blinked and softly cried. Her back was on fire.

Rarity: Well, THAT was pretty careless of Pinkie.
Twilight: Grab the fire extinguisher!

Pinkie then popped something red into her mouth and began to chew.

Author: You’re supposed to take your meds BEFORE you get the urge to kill ponies, Pinkie!

She noticed Dash was staring at her.
“What?” she asked. “Oh this?” Holding up another piece. “Well, while YOU were asleep, I got a little impatient and helped myself sample. I got it from your leg, you’re not bad. Wanna try some”?

Twilight: “Just add a little mayo and you won’t even notice the urine!”

Without waiting for a response, she shoved the strip of meat into the revolted Rainbow Dash’s mouth.

Author: Vive revolution! Freedom for the mouth!

She immediately spit it out.

Rarity: That was rude. At least use a napkin.

Pinkie picked up. “if you didn’t want it, you could have said no.” She then ate the discarded snotty morsel.

Twilight: I guess Rainbow Dash tried eating it with her nose.

“It’s not like you haven’t had it before.”
Swallowing, she turned her attention to the small can on the tray. She removed the lid, revealing

Author: It was all just a dream. Good bye!
Twilight: Not so fast! If we suffer, you suffer.

that it was filled with burning coals. Sitting on top of the fire were several large nails. Dash began to panic again.

Rarity: Had you actually STOPPED panicking at some point?

Pinkie picked up the can and walked over to Dash’s left. Carefully picking up a nail and grabbing a hammer, she positioned the spike at the seam between her leg and her hoof.
“No! Pinkie NO!” Dash screamed. “NO! NO!”

Author: Oh, just take it like a man, Rainbow Dash.

The hammer came down and the nail punctured under her skin. The white hot burning was too much.

Rarity: She needed to confess her love!
Author: Cheap shot.
Twilight: It all is.

Dash pulled and thrashed at the brace, her skin rubbed and tore. Pinkie tried to line up another one, but couldn’t find her aim.

Rarity: “Aim! Where are you? Here boy!”

She let out a frustrated grunt. When she pulled the hammer back to take a wild swing, Dash burst out crying and begging.
“PLEASE STOP! PLEASE, PLEASE STOP!”
Pinkie rolled her eyes.

Author: Neat trick.
Twilight: I wonder how she got them out of her skull?

Putting hammer back down, she walked back in front of her friend. She stared pensively at the broken pegasus. Gilda didn’t even cry this much when she stuck that live parasprite down her throat. Pinkie thought for a minute about what to do next. Then there was a sudden spark in her imagination.

Twilight: As the spark burst became a roaring fire, Pinkie Pie had to make a dash to the fire extinguisher if she wanted to save her imagination.
Author: A RAINBOW dash, you might say? (Rarity slaps him)

She grabbed the gear wheel on the rack and laid Rainbow Dash on her back. She moved to Dash’s hind legs, bringing the can with her. Pinkie picked up the hammer again and she drove a searing piece of metal into the bottom of Dash’s hoof. Dash screamed again: Pinkie put one into the other hoof. Next she located the small generator on the tray. Tying the copper wires to the nails, she gave Dash a wink

Author: What a flirt!

and flipped the switch. Electricity rocketed through Dash’s body.

Author: But I don’t think she’ll get Dash’s number this way.

The blue pony reacted immediately; body seized, muscles struck taut.

Twilight: Muscles, stop hitting taut or I’m putting you in time out!

Her hips thrust skyward and her eyes rolled back. She let out a deep, throat shredding cry.

Rarity: And I thought smoking was bad for your breathing!

Pinkie giggled and danced in place. She turned up the juice. Dash convulsed uncontrollably. Her bladder emptied once more.

Author: That sucker fills up FAST.

After about five minutes, Pinkie shut off the power. The area smelled lightly of cooked flesh and burnt enamel.

Rarity: Of all the things to focus on, notice the author makes special note of the stuff covering Rainbow’s teeth.

She put Dash upright again and tried snap the delirious and drooling pony to back to attention.
“Dash. Daaash. Wake up.” Rainbow Dash managed to give her a modicum of weak acknowledgment.
Pinkie reached into the medicine bag and produced and large syringe. “Alright, time for the last round”

Author: FIGHT!

Dash looked at the needle and Pinkie took that as a question as to what it was.
“Something to take the pain away”

Twilight: You should have her read this story. I find it slowly deadens the senses over time.

she informed as she walked around to Dash’s ruined back side. She stuck the needle into the lower part of her spine.

Author: Pinkie Pie used headbutt!

Dash flinched.
Coming to the front again

Rarity: Not again!
Author: BOO!
Twilight: Think of something original!

, she told her friend, “In a few minutes, you won’t be able to feel anything below your ribcage.

Twilight: Soooo… She won’t feel any of her legs?

Then you’ll be able to stay awake to watch the harvest.”
Dash started to cry again. “Pinkie” she trembled out.
“Yeah?”
“I want to go home.” Dash openly sobbed.
“Yeah, I can see wanting to do that.” The party pony replied. “Sometimes, I just wanna give up, say “I’m done with this mess” and go to bed.

Rarity: I believe we all share that sentiment.

But you know what; you can’t shrug off your responsibilities. You got to pull yourself up and meet the challenges head on. That’s to the only way you’re gonna get ahead in life.”

Author: You know what? I’m inspired. I’m ready to meet the world head on, and maybe kill it in the process!

Dash cried.
Minutes passed and the drug took affect.

Twilight: I’d love to see how they passed those few minutes.
Rarity: “I spy with my little eye, something blue!”
Author: “AHHH! THE PAIN!”
Rarity: “Oh, c’mon Rainbow, you’re not even trying!”

Dash was numb from her chest to her flanks. Aware of this,

Author: Her Pinkie-sense was tingling.

Pinkie approached with her scalpel. With only a smiling glance to Dash, she made a long cut across her pelvis just above her crotch. Moving up her body, she drew a similar incision under her ribs. One final cut was made down her stomach, connecting the first two.

Twilight: Tic-Tac-Toe, psycho style!

“Looks like I got my I on you, Dash.”

Author: Lame pun, psycho style!

With a moist, gooey sound,

Twilight: I’d describe it as a “schloop” sound.

the new door flapped opened. The sight of her own organs and the lack of feeling caused Dash’s breathing to intensify. Pinkie sliced open the abdominal sac and grabbed the large intestines.

Author: I’m getting horrible flash backs from my 7th grade biology class.

Separating it from the rest of the digestive tract and pulling them from the forming cavity, Pinkie was getting jovial and starting making jokes. Dash, growing weaker from the new source of blood loss, tried to shut out the comedy act.

Rarity: When that didn’t work, she started hurling tomatoes.

Pinkie was laughing.

All: What else is new?
Author: You’d have better luck noting whenever Pinkie isn’t laughing. The story would be half as long!
Rarity: Please, don’t say “cut” right now…

“Look at me, I’m Rarity!” she said, slinging the tube around her neck and spreading blood in all directions. “Isn’t my new scarf soooo pretty”?

Rarity: As if I’d do that! Scarves are hardly high fashion!

Reaching back in, she cut the smaller intestine off the bowls. Squeezing out the excess excrement, Pinkie filed it through her teeth and dragged it back and forth. “Dentists say you gotta floss every day, Dash.”

Twilight: And psychiatrists say you’ve got to take your pills everyday.

Rainbow Dash was barely aware of what was going on anymore. The shock was causing her to fade.

Author: That’s not the shock. That’s the animation budget running out.

Pinkie got disappointed. Diving back into the guts,

Rarity: She got a 9 from each judge for creating very little splash.

she ramped up her routine.
“Aw, don’t go yet Dash.” She started pulling out the rest of the organs, stopping at each one. “I know I can be a real painaceas,

Twilight: The thing about puns is that they’re actually supposed to sound like word that already exists.

but you know I’m just kidney with you. You really got to learn to liver it up. Boy, these jokes are getting bladder. Guess ya gotta develop a stomach for them.”

Twilight: Develop a stomach for the JOKES? I’d think my stomach would need to be developed for something else…
Author: The atrocious grammar, right?

She placed the discarded body parts into a bucket, keeping the last one for bit longer. “Ooo, bagpipes.” she said, placing the tube in her mouth and the organ in her armpit. A spurt of acid hit her tongue.

Rarity: And instantly melted it. The end.

”Eww.

Author: Oh, that’s just hilarious. Out of all the things in this story she could react to with disgust…

Oh hey, there’s your cupcake, Dash.”
Dash, didn’t hear her. She had slipped from conciseness minutes ago. Pinkie, not satisfied yet, hit her with another adrenaline shot. Dash woke up for the last time, her heart jumping.

Twilight: I don’t think I need to say anything. That’s just a funny mental picture.

Her blood flowed out faster; it wouldn’t be long now.
Pinkie put Dash on her down her back and straddled her chest, scalpel at the ready.

Author: Ready for what? The monster from Alien to pop out of her chest?

“Ya know, Rainbow Dash, I’m disappointed. I thought you would have lasted longer.

Rarity: “You haven’t even hit my top twenty!”

I really wanted to spend more time with you before we got here. But I guess it’s my fault, I should have taken it a little slower. Oh well, it was really was nice knowing you, Dash”.
The blade sunk into the blue one’s throat and worked its way up her chin.

Twilight: I’m going to go out on a limb here and say she MAY have lasted longer if you hadn’t just slit her throat.

Coming back down, it circled around her neck. The last thing Dash felt was her skin being cut away from her skull, the metal scraping her teeth.

Author: You know, this last part reminds me of my previous trip to the dentist.
Twilight: She’s going, going…

Then she was gone.

Twilight: And that’s the ball game!

Pinkie Pie stared into the mirror. She did a really good job, even keeping the eyelids. She winked, Dash winked back. Pinkie smiled.

Rarity: Dash smiled back.

But still, she was sad that her friend was now gone. It only lasted fifty minutes, not nearly as long as she wanted.

Author: She was aiming for fifty one.

She looked back the cadaver hanging there in the center of the room, the last of its fluids draining in to the pan.

Twilight: Waste not, want not!

Yup, no more Rainbow Dash.
Then Pinkie cocked her head. She was starting to take notice of the fact that there really wasn’t that much damage. “It fact”, she began to think

Author: About time she started doing that!

“I think….” An idea exploded in her head.

Rarity: We are here to mourn the passing of Pinkie Pie, who, unfortunately, had an idea explode in her head.
Author: You might say it was a smart bomb. (Rarity kicks him in the face.)

She was good at sewing and she had all the pieces, all she had to do put her back together. Yeah, just get some stuffing and bingo, she’d have

Twilight: One part to a Thanksgiving feast!

Rainbow Dash forever. In fact, that’s what she’d do for all her friends when their numbers came up. She was so excited, she skipped over to the body with the skinner to get started. The cupcakes can wait; Pinkie had a friend to make.

Rarity: To re-make, anyway.
Twilight: Finally! It’s over!
Author: Not quite…

Silver Spoon suddenly woke up.

Author: Who?

She was on her back and couldn’t move. She couldn’t see.
Where was she? Freaking out, she was just about to scream when the pony from the bakery appeared in front of her.

Author: Seriously? Who is this, and why should I care?

“HI!” she giggled

Rarity: That wasn’t a giggle, so much as a proclamation.

“Where am I, what’s going on”? The frightened little foal asked.

Author: That‘s what I’m asking too. Is this a minor character? Let me check Google…

“Oh, well, you see, your number came up and I gotta make cupcakes.” Pinkie explained.

Twilight: Can’t you just make a nice tart instead?

“W…wha….what does that mean. What are you talking about”?

Author: Let’s see… Oh, she’s that annoying pony from that one episode. I hate her already, so you can go ahead and kill her.
Rarity: Author! That’s horrible!
Author: What can I say? Her main character trait is “asshole”. I can’t help it.

“Oh, nothing. I wouldn’t worry it if I was you. It’ll be over soon.”

Twilight: This applies to more than just Silver Spoon, I hope.

She approached the girl, scalpel at the ready when a small voice called out from behind.

Author: “Hey you! Um…” I’m sorry, I can’t come up with anything witty, I’m starting to run out of steam…

“Miss Pinkie, what are you doing”?
She paused and turned to look at Apple Bloom. The yellow baby pony walked up to her with an angry look on her face. Silver Spoon started to feel relived.
“Ah can’t believe your doing this.” She pouted.

Rarity: “You said you weren’t going to go out of character ever again!”

”you said this one was gonna be mine.
Pinkie apologized “Oops, sorry about that, guess I got forgot.

Twilight: That settles it. Pinkie has memory problems.

Here you go.” She handed the blade over.
Apple Bloom climbed on the table and stood over her prey. Silver Spoon tried to struggle. She stared in fear at Apple Bloom and her apron.

Rarity: “Gasp! That apron, it… it… Doesn’t match your coat at all!”

The pink apron with a shiny tiara on it.

Author: Am I supposed to feel bad about the death of obnoxious minor character number two? Nice try Sprinkles.

Silver Spoon started to cry.

Twilight: STARTED to cry?
Rarity: I’ve been crying for the past 5 pages!

Apple Bloom grinned and open her mouth “Hey, Silver Spoon, guess who gonna be a blank flank”?

Rarity: Technically, the flank will still have a cutie mark on it, it’ll just be detached from her body is all.
Author: Guess what? I don’t give a crap. The story is over, and that’s all that matters! Oh, hold on, the mads are calling.
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Yeah, very funny Author…
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) So what’d you all think? Muahaha!
Twilight: Pinkie Pie, you’re more evil than the Pinkie Pie in the story.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Oh? Why’s that?
Rarity: Because you made us read that story!
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) I know! I’m so diabolical!
Author: So, can we go now?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Of course! Dashie, hit the button to unlock the doors.
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) You know, if the REAL Rainbow Dash was in the story, she could’ve easily taken that punishment.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) As IF. Now hit the button Dash.
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) I mean, I would’ve just torn those leather straps right out!
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Never mind, I’ll get it myself... (Pushes button and the TV turns off with a blip)

Okay bronies, I’ve got a good one today. This particular story is actually a pretty amusing gore fic. That is, if you’re like me and laugh at gory fics because of how over the top they are. If you’re looking for a decent gore story, I suggest you give it a read without the commentary sometime. Anyway, without further ado…

Author: Okay, how about this? Bloomberg…
Twilight: Interesting start.
Author: Is stolen…
Rarity: Not too bad.
Author: By ents…
Twilight: Umm…
Author: And the mane six have to get him back while fighting off orcs! What do you think?!
Rarity: That’s, well…
Twilight: This is your idea for a Lord of the Rings crossover? I don’t even know what that is, and I can still feel a need to shake my head in disappointment.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) I think it’s a great idea! You know what’s also a neat idea?
(Doors swing shut and lock)
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Another MST!
Rarity: What?!
Author: I thought we weren’t going to do that again!
Rainbow Dash (From TV): We weren’t, but then a whole bunch of requests came in! We figured it was worth another go.
Twilight: What monsters would be cruel enough to make us read more fan fiction?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) The readers!
Author: NO! The brony community has betrayed me!
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) C’mon, silly filly! It’s not that bad! Just think of all the laughs you’ll be spreading!
Rarity: Yes, well I can assure you that WE won’t be laughing.
Twilight: So what’s the prank for today?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Dashie?
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Today’s prank is a gore fest is called “Parchments”, involving Twilight and, you know, parchment. if you liked Cupcakes, you’re going to love this!
(Buzzer sounds)
Rarity, Twilight, and Author: We got story sign!

---

PARCHMENTS

All: Ahh!
Rarity: That title nearly gave me a heart attack!
Twilight: It certainly jumps out at you…
Author: Bolded and underlined. This fic is going to be epic!

By Ponyman and CandleEyes

Author: MY EYES! THEY BURN!

With help from:

Rarity: Sprinkles!
Twilight: Celestia, I hope not!

Psyentific and a Lam

Rarity: Lam, if you’d be a darling, I have a wool coat I want to make after we’re done here.

Twilight Sparkle paced the foyer of her library home as her mind tried to think

Author: But it wasn’t too successful.

of what to do about her current situation. She bit her lip

Twilight: “Ow!”

as she glanced over at the empty shelf where the blank scrolls were normally kept.

Author: At the moment it held Spike’s collection of Rarity beanie babies.

It was bad enough she was going to be late with her report to Celestia, but now she had nothing to write on as well.

Rarity: Of all the worst possible things this is the. WORST. Possible thing!

Spike had tried to get some more, but the scroll shop

Author: Hey, if there’s a quill and sofa shop, why not this?

wouldn't have anymore until Monday. It would be too late by then.
The unicorn felt her eye twitch involuntarily,

Twilight: “Eye, one more twitch without my permission and it’s off to bed without any supper!”

a nervous tic that appeared when she became overcome with worry. She could feel every strand of her mane stand on end, making her appear as if she had just rolled out of bed.

Rarity: And hit the floor with a thud.

Not that the bags under her eyes would help discredit that theory.

Rarity: Those lazy bags! They never help a pony with anything!

“I have to get this report to Princess Celestia before it's too late! She was lenient the first time,

Twilight: Ah yes, that first time when she stated specifically that I didn’t have to be on time? I remember that.

but I don't want to take advantage of her kindness! She might banish me to the Everfree forest!”

Author: Hey, with that moon cannon of Celestia’s, being banished to the Everfree forest should be the least of your worries!

Twilight pressed her hooves to her snout

Rarity: In an attempt to make ridiculous faces.

to stifle a loud gasp of horror that that thought brought. Once she was over it, she placed her hooves back onto the floor and sighed. “Wait a minute!

Twilight: “I can use something ELSE to write on! Story conflict averted!”

I have magic! Maybe I can make some parchment!”

Author: Gentleponies, we can make more. We have the technology.

Twilight closed her eyes and concentrated hard, her horn glowing. Nothing appeared.

Rarity: Not nothing! Anything but that!
Twilight: Approximately how much nothing appeared? You’ll need to be more specific.

Frowning, she figured that maybe

Rarity: She should just call it a day. The end. Can we go now?

there was a reason that the magical scrolls directed to the Princess herself couldn't be reproduced by normal means.

Author: Damn patent laws!

Didn't want any potential frauds starting any unneeded conflicts.

Twilight: The last time it happened, there were banishments everywhere!

Only those trusted by the royal house

Rarity: I don’t know why Twilight had any magic scrolls then.
Twilight: Hey! I’m very trustworthy!
Rarity: Settle down, it was just a joke!

were given the magical scrolls to relay messages and matters. Everypony else had to apply in person, or through a designated “middle pony.”

Author: Could you imagine the paperwork for this?
Twilight: Where do you go to apply? The Office of Magical Scroll Handling and other Minor Mystical Stationeries?
Rarity: I wonder how long it is before you need to renew your Magic Scroll License?

Her wandering eyes fell on the shelves of books.

Twilight: Quick! Catch them before they roll away!
Rarity: That’s worse than losing your glasses!

The books she confided in

Twilight: “I have a secret, book, and you have to PROMISE not to share it with anyone!”

whenever she needed advice. Her magic pulled one particular tome off the shelf,

Rarity: The Wonderful World of Parchment?
Twilight: Magic Scroll Politics, a Beginners Guide?
Author: Scrolls for Dummies?

and she opened it and flipped through the pages.
Ponies in the Middle Ages made parchments from animal hide....

Twilight: Ah yes, the Pony middle ages. Why do I not remember that?

Twilight wasn’t thinking straight by this point,

Rarity: She was thinking in a curvy line.

and the idea sounded too good to pass up.
“Spike, I’m going out!”

Author: “Twilight, are you going on a rampage concerning Celestia’s letters again?”
Twilight: “No Spike!”
Author: “Okay, just be back in time for supper!”
============================================================

Fluttershy was humming to herself quietly,

Rarity: WHAT!? I CAN’T HEAR YOU, DARLING!

feeding a carrot to her pet bunny, Angel. She was interrupted by a knock at her door,

Author: Followed by the FBI bursting in, on the hunt for a dangerous carrot smuggler.

and gave him an affectionate little pat on the head before going to answer it.
“H- hello?”
“Oh, hey Fluttershy. Can I come in?”

All: Don’t let her in!

“Oh! Sure you can, Twilight.”

All: Ohhh…

Fluttershy smiled. Her friends always made her feel so happy.

Author: Literally.

“So, why are you here?”

Twilight: “To kill you- I mean, make cupcakes.”
Rarity: After the last story, I’d say they mean the same thing!

“Well, see, I have to write a letter to Princess Celestia every week, right?”

Author: “Wrong.”

“Right.” The pegasus looked around uncomfortably.

Rarity: I’d be uncomfortable too if I was in a story like this.

Hopefully Twilight hadn’t gotten carried away

Twilight: By a dragon.

again...
“I- I do have something to write about, don’t worry. I just don’t have any parchment.”
“Do you... need some

Rarity: “Paper?”
Twilight: “Don’t talk nonsense, Fluttershy, you can’t write on paper!”

bits?”
“No... I have money. The problem is, the store is out of parchment, too.”
“Then I’m sorry, Twilight, but I don’t think there’s-”

Author: “A chance in the world of me making it out of this story alive.”

“Oh, but there is, Fluttershy.”
“Hm?”

Rarity: “Sorry, I was distracted by a shiny object for a second. What were you saying?”

Twilight walked over to a window and glanced out. The sun was setting

Twilight: The table.

and it would be dark soon. Perfect. She pulled a rag out of her saddlebags and tied it around her face.

Author: Oh boy, they’re going to play a game of Cowboys and Indians.

Then she procured a bottle of chloroform and opened it.

Author: I don’t remember playing it quite like that.
Rarity: Where’d she procure it from? The Chloroform shop?

“Um, Twilight? What are you-”

Author: (Rambo impression) “I’m your worst nightmare.”

The unicorn pounced and pinned her victim against the floor.

Author: 3, 2, 1, it’s over!

“We’re going to make some parchment together, Fluttershy.” She pressed the bottle up against her friend’s nose. Try as she might, she had to breathe eventually.

Twilight: She’d be fine if she just breathed through her mouth.

A haze washed over her and Fluttershy passed out.

Rarity: Pamphlets, advertising the opening of the new Plot Device shop.

============================================================

Author: Hey it looks like there’s a natural break in the story. And by that I mean a line.
Twilight: In that case, let’s take a break. I need time to come to terms with my apparent insanity.

---

Rarity: Twilight, I feel for you dear! I never realized that magic parchment was so hard to find!
Twilight: I never realized it either. I always assumed Spike’s breath was magic, and THAT’s what sent the scrolls.
Author: I guess he took a tic-tac or something, and can’t do it any longer.
Twilight: I suppose that makes sense.
Rarity: I actually tried applying for magic scroll usage. I had to wait HOURS in line, fill out a ton of paper work, and finally gave up when it turns out I filled out the pink sheets instead of the blue ones!
Twilight: What was wrong with that?
Rarity: The pink ones are for magic sticky notes, not parchment!
Author: Believe it or not, I used to have a license for magic scroll usage.
Twilight: How is that even possible?
Author: I got it revoked when they learned I was abusing my power in order to spread outdated Chuck Norris jokes. (Pause) And drawings of dicks. Not the proudest moment in my life…
(Buzzer sounds)
All: We got story sign!

---

Fluttershy awoke in a groggy daze.

Rarity: That’s because she fell asleep inside a groggy daze, as it were.

Her mouth was no longer gagged, but the faint smell of some chemical lingered in her nostrils.

Author: Geez, what’s she been sniffing lately? Fluttershy, you don’t have to fight the addiction alone. We’re here for you.

Once she was fully aware of her position,

Twilight: As vice-president.

she squirmed against the ropes that bound her hooves to the rock.

Author: Dwayne Johnson and Fluttershy join forces in; The Parchment.

She was on her stomach, her wings forcibly spread out so as not to hinder the process.
“Twilight, what’s going on?” the yellow pegasus cried,

Rarity: “And why am I tied to Tom? You know my heart belongs to Bloomberg!”

her eyes tearing up in fear.

Twilight: Can’t her eyes tear up any place else?

The lavender unicorn loomed over her helpless form, a wicked Cheshire smile on her face as her pupils had shrunk to mere dots.

Author: Hey, “mere dots”? That’s an insult to the entire dot race!
Twilight: Shapism!

Twilight's mane was a frazzled mess and hung in her bloodshot eyes.

Twilight: “I can’t see anything!”

“I need to write a report to Celestia....and I need parchments in order to do that....”

Rarity: “What about paper?”
Twilight: “No, that won’t work.
Rarity: “Chalkboard?”
Twilight: “It has to be magical!”
Rarity: “And my coat is?”

Twilight stammered,

Author: She should really get that checked out by her speech therapist.

her teeth chattering as she spoke.

Twilight: “Quiet down, teeth! How am I suppose to speak with you chattering away like that!?”

“What do you need me for?”

Rarity: “To go off and find more parchment for me. What did you think I was going to do?”

Fluttershy asked, hiding her face behind her mane as best she could.

Twilight: Impressive, considering she’s tied to a rock.

“Your flesh...
.
Author: Dramatic pause.

can be parchment....” Twilight explained,

Twilight: “The yellow will be a nice change of pace from boring white.”
Rarity: “And it’ll have a nice butterfly design to boot!”

raising her head to show she had a sharp scalpel in her teeth.

Author: “What? Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have something stuck in my teeth?”

Before the helpless pegasus could object,

Author: HOLD IT!

a quick and frighteningly painless slice

Rarity: It was frightening because the painlessness made no sense.

of the blade took one of her wings away. Blood seeped from the wound and Fluttershy cried out when the pain finally registered.

Author: To vote, since the pain was a republican while she was a democrat.

With another drop of the blade,

Twilight: I’m certainly clumsy. Now I need to pick it up and try again.

the other wing was gone,

Author: “And for my next trick, I will make a whole bunch of readers’ lunches… Disappear!”

but this time Fluttershy knew it was coming, and another cry shredded out of her throat.

Author: “Dude, that was some totally wicked snow drifts in her throat!”

“Now that those are out of the way, I can begin. Hold still now...” Twilight explained, her voice broken,

Rarity: Fabulous… Now she needs to go to the Voice shop and get a new one!

unhinged. She was nothing like herself,

Twilight: Instead, she was more similar to someone else.

which terrified Fluttershy more than what was happening to her. The blade bit into Fluttershy’s flank,

Rarity: “This is delicious!”

and the pegasus tried to scream

Twilight: But forgot how.

again but found her voice had broken from the last time.

Rarity: Today’s a busy day for the Voice Shop!

All she could do was whimper silently,

Twilight: “Fluttershy, I can’t hear you whimpering, so I’m assuming you’re fine with what I’m doing.”

tears stinging her eyes,

Twilight: In terms of biology, tears are actually a distant cousin of hornets.

as the blade worked its way across her flank.

Author: “I can’t believe they’ve got me working overtime for this job…”

She could feel the burning start as skin was separated from muscle tissue,

Author: When two lovers are separated, a struggle of romance will ensue. Hallmark movies presents; “Skin and Muscle Tissue: A Love Story”.

and thick blood poured out of the ever growing gash.

Rarity: With just a little fertilizer, love, and care, you can get your gash to grow into a beautiful, festering wound!

Twilight was delicate in her work, ensuring only minimal tearing and damage.

Author: She earns a living as a taxidermist on the side.

After what felt like hours,

Twilight: But was really half a minute.

a good portion of flesh had been scraped away from Fluttershy’s flank, her cutie mark removed for obvious reasons,

Twilight: Of course.
Rarity: Obviously.

forcing Twilight to have to cut the rest in half to compensate for the hole. For a moment, she felt a knot in her gut

Twilight: From the rope she swallowed earlier.

when she looked at the weeping form on the rock.

Author: Oh cool, the rock has little pictures on it.

But her mind was too far gone

Twilight: “Mind! Get back here this instant!”

to fully register.

Author: For an account on FimFiction.

The damage had been done, and it was only humane to end her suffering.

Rarity: “This hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.”

There was still more parchment to harvest.

Author: “I reckin dem parchment crop is gonna be mighty good dis year.”

Tossing what she had acquired so far into a nearby bucket of water and lime

Author: I think it’s about “lime” the story ended! Hah, you get it?! It’s like time but…
Rarity and Twilight: (Groan)

to remove any blood and the hair of her coat, Twilight sighed and prepared herself for the next round
.
Author: She’s going to go the distance.

The taste of blood still fresh on her lips, so forbidden, and so sweet.

Twilight: Yeah, well, wait until that blood coagulates.

“Twilight...please...you don’t have to do this....”

Twilight: “I suppose not, but, hey, at least we had fun with it!”

Fluttershy whimpered, her voice rough and broken.

Author: That’s what Fluttershy gets for using a 1992 Sweeyota Model Voice for too long without giving it proper maintenance.

“It’s too late now, Fluttershy. But I appreciate your help nonetheless.”

Rarity: “Thanks Twilight, that makes me feel SO much better!”

Twilight grinned her unsettling smile and proceeded to the other flank, being as careful as she had been before.

Author: “OW! Twilight, you missed!”

The pegasus winced in pain, slowly becoming numb to the assault on her nerves

Author: You might say Twilight was (puts on shades) getting on her nerves. YEEEAAA- (Twilight smacks Author in face)

as she felt more blood pour down her leg. Her teeth clenched together as she tried not to scream again, her throat on fire.

Twilight: “That’s what I get for drinking all that lighter fluid earlier!”

“I have to admit, Fluttershy, you skin is so soft.”

Rarity: Wait, her coat or her skin? Because in order to feel the skin, she’d need to… Ugh…

Twilight observed as she slowly peeled the slab of flesh away from the shiny muscle

Author: You know, shiny muscles only have a 1 in 8192 chance of appearing.

underneath. This time, she had decided to take more,

Rarity: How greedy!

and the slab continued its

Author: Emotional.

detachment across her flank and up her side.

“Twilight....please....”

Twilight: “Could you… try to… stay in character?”

“You’re making this harder than it has to be, Fluttershy!” Twilight snapped,

Rarity: I thought she already had!

sadness in her voice, but her twisted smile provided a

Author: Tony.

stark contrast. The unicorn’s mind was a mix of random emotions of both sadness and perverted desire.

Rarity: If you want to get the perfect mix of emotions, simply add a bit of sadness, a pinch desire, a teaspoon of perverseness, and mix thoroughly for forty seconds.

There was an odd thrill in Twilght’s heart

Twilight: Get that thrill out of there!

about this whole incident, and the adrenaline rush kept her going despite her second thoughts.

Author: If she has second thoughts than I guess Fluttershy has a “Half-Life”! (Rarity slaps Author)

It would be too cruel to end it now.

Twilight: The same does not apply to this story.

At least make sure she is at peace. It’s what Fluttershy would do.

Author: Okay, I have to admit, that’s some funny irony right there.

Putting the blade back to work,

Rarity: “I swear, the boss is always making me work these late shifts!”

Twilight began to cut away from the opening in Fluttershy’s side. The scalpel slipped a few times in her teeth,

Rarity: Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us.

stabbing into the taught muscles

Twilight: These muscles had PhD’s.

that were left naked from the last process. Fluttershy’s hind leg kicked on instinct,

Author: And Twilight started bopping her head, because Instinct was her favorite song.

causing Twilight to jerk back in surprise.
“Sorry....” Twilight apologized.

Rarity: Manners! FINALLY!

She didn’t know WHY she apologized, but felt it right to do so anyway.

Twilight: At least I’m a polite killer.

“It’s okay Twilight.” Fluttershy replied, her voice a whisper.

Twilight: “What was that? Eh, it was probably nothing important to the story anyway.”

Is she accepting this now?! Twilight thought, her eyes wide in shock.

Rarity: “I mean, I’m the murderer, and even I don’t accept it!”

Fluttershy was the kindest pony,

Author: Fluttershy is the best pony.

even until the bitter end.

Rarity: Bitter end? I think it had a bit more of a tart flavor myself.
Twilight: A bit of a sour mix, I’d say.

Another piece of flesh tore away, but Fluttershy was now at peace with what was going on.

Author: The meditation classes really paid off!

It would all be over soon,

Rarity: I hope that statement applies to MORE than just this operation!

and her conscience was clear as she knew she helped a friend one last time. It was a twisted thought to be sure, but what else was there to do?

Twilight: Not have the twisted thought?
Author: Press the backspace key 7000 times?

After hours of painstaking work,

Twilight: What’s taking her so long?

the now lifeless corpse of Fluttershy lie before Twilight. The unicorn had left her peaceful face intact as a twisted way of memorializing her. She looked so peaceful in her eternal slumber, despite the fact the reset of her body was now bare muscle.

Author: Though the muscle looked to be fit enough to be “bear” muscle as well! (Both Rarity and Twilight slap Author)

Congealed blood pooled all around the rock and down Twilight’s face.

Twilight: It’s not like congealed blood is supposed to be a solid or anything.

The unicorn glanced around in terror when she realized she had heard a twig snap.

Author: Le gasp!
Rarity: That’s got to be the scariest thing that happened all story!

Her head spun around

Author: So quickly, that she took off like a helicopter.

to see Sweetie Belle emerging from a bush. A WITNESS!

Author: OBJECTION!

Twilight was horrified. A filly no less! I’ve probably scarred her for life!

Twilight: Don’t you just hate it when that happens?

“Hey Twilight. What are you doing?” the white unicorn asked, looking at the horrible site

Author: Oh no, she’s wandered into the porn section of the internet!

with a blank stare.
“Nothing...nothing....ummmm,

Author: Reboot the system, she’s frozen up again.

why?”

Rarity: “Well, because you’re kind of acting suspicious.”
Twilight: “And you look insane.”

Twilight’s smile twitched at the edges, her eyes wide.
“Well, Scootaloo was telling me about helping Pinkie with making cupcakes, so I thought that’s what you were doing.” Sweetie Belle replied. “Can I help?”

All: DON’T. REFERENCE. THAT. STORY.

The lavender unicorn’s smile widened even more, if that was even possible.

Twilight: Luckily, smiles have made a great breakthrough lately, and have been developed to accommodate twenty percent larger grins.

“Sure, you can help. I need a shovel...”

Author: I get it! They’re going to dig deep down and find a parchment mine! It’s brilliant!
============================================================

Dear Princess Celestia,

Twilight: “Remember when you told me last time about not rushing the letters? About that…”

Today I learned that the best friends are the ones who are always there for you in times of need, and who sacrifice themselves for you.

Author: It’s true. All of my best friends have been willing to let me cut out their hearts for my summoning rituals.

Those are the friends who trust you and who know you trust them, too. While it may be very tempting to try to do it all yourself, sometimes you need somepony to pull you through and remind you where you’re going.

Rarity: Don’t you just hate it when you go into a room and can’t remember what you went in for? That’s where friends come in.

It was such a friend that I came upon today, a friend whom I’ll always remember for her loving tenderness. She’s quite close by me as I write this,

Twilight: “But as you’re reading this, you’ll also get the pleasure of experiencing her company.”

and I couldn’t be any more grateful for her help.

Your faithful student,
Twilight

Rarity: Butcher.

Sparkle

P.S. My apologies for the late arrival of this letter. I had some difficulty finding parchment.

Author: O RLY?
Twilight: I’ve got to admit, even when it’s about murder, I write a pretty good friendship letter.

Twilight sighed as she teleported the letter to the Princess,

Twilight: Spike, you've been replaced.

hoping she didn’t notice the difference in scroll quality,

Rarity: This scroll was quite soft.

or any strange odors.

Author: No offense to Fluttershy, but she must’ve forgotten to take a shower that week.

The unicorn glanced over to Sweetie Belle, who stood with a blank stare on her face.

Twilight: She seems to have a blank expression on her face. A lot.
Rarity: That explains her cutie mark then.
Twilight: What cutie mark?
Rarity: Precisely!

“Sweetie Belle, I think we’re out of parchment again.” Twilight smiled.

Author: So, all the skin that Twilight took from Fluttershy amounted to only enough for one letter? That’s pretty inefficient.

The filly smiled as well, nodding her head eagerly.

Twilight: Well, that’s freaky.

Rarity: Sweetie Belle, haven’t I raised you NOT to look forward to skinning ponies alive?
Author: You must not be a very good sister. Anyway, we’re done.
Twilight: Not quite. We still have… the alternate ending.
Author: Buck.

He looked upon the scene with a detached grimace.

Rarity: I’m glad to see he’s so concerned.

It had been just minutes since he had discovered the body on his normal route through the woods.

Twilight: That’s a left, two rights, and a circle around the giant oak, then another left.

At first, he had thought it nothing more than some predators forgotten kill, but then he saw the strands of pink sticking to torn flesh.

Author: “It all makes sense! This pony, she was killed… by rabid cotton candy!”

As a pair of hoof steps broke the silence of the forest,

Rarity: Grand, NOW they need to get some more at the Silence shop!
Twilight: You think all these stores are grouped together in some market district?

he'd hid, watching as a purple unicorn returned with a little filly in tow

Author: The filly had broken down on the side of the highway.

, a shovel levitating before her.
He had watched as she dug the hole methodically,

Rarity: They measured each scoop, I suppose.

her perverse smile never wavering.
In a matter of minutes the corpse was in the ground, the filly setting about covering up any sign of disturbed earth

Twilight: “First we plant the seeds… There! All we need to do is wait until grass grows on this spot and we’ll be in the clear!

before the pair left as quickly as they had come.

Author: Perverse nature indeed…

Now he stared at the spot where the body had been, grimace

Author: Turned to Ronald MacDonald and gave a sad shake of his head.

turning to a look of determination.
The little rabbit growled.

Author: WHAT A TWIST!

Twilight Sparkle would die.

Author: Quentin Tarantino presents; “Kill Twil; Vol. 1”.

---

Rarity: How come you got all the final lines?
Author: Because I know pop culture references, and you don’t.
Twilight: Hey, we ponies have our own references. Just nothing the audience would understand.
Rarity: Ever hear of Equestria superstar singer Sunlight Ray?
Author: No.
Rarity: Exactly. And that’s why we don’t make pop culture references.
Twilight: We should show him HumanChan sometime.
Rarity: Oh, bleh! That place is horrendous! Whoever has an interest in that ghastly “My Little Human” show is a humany, no if’s, and’s, or butt’s!
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Hey, I love HumanChan!
Twilight: Why am I not surprised?
Author: As much as I love hearing about your exciting lives, I’d really like to leave.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Oh, you’re no fun! Press the button, Dashie!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Why do I have to do everything? You’re ordering me around like you’re a deranged scientist and I’m your assistant.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) You mean that’s not what we’re doing?
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) … Ah, screw it, I’ll push the button.
(Rainbow pushes button, and the TV screen goes out with a blip)

Alright kids, gather ‘round as Uncle Homely gives you another MST! I’m going to do something a little different today, because today we’re going to a CLOP-FIC! … Hooray? This is great, because I can now mark "Mystery Pinkie Pie Theater 3000" as mature for having sex in it! Anyway, for those of you who REALLY don’t want to see the more “intimate” moments, you can drop out when the riffing cast takes their usual break from the story. Of course, if you’ve read Cupcakes, you probably should be fine.

Rarity: Come in, come in!
Fluttershy: Aren’t you going in with us, Rarity?
Rarity: Oh, I, uh, would, but I’m afraid that I’ve got, er, urgent business to attend to!
Applejack: Alright then, we won’t keep ya.
(Rarity flees)
Author: Okay, idea. Fluttershy becomes an alicorn and creates a communist society because she wants everything to be equal.
Twilight: Well, it’s creative…
Applejack: Hey Author! We’re here for that Lord of the Rings crossover you were plannin’ to do!
Fluttershy: We don’t actually hurt any trees, right…?
Author: What? What are you two talking about? I trashed that idea. Unless…
(Doors swing shut and lock)
Author: I knew it! We’re in that damn MST-
Twilight: MPPT3K?
Author: Whatever.
Applejack: What in the hay is a MPS… MPPE… What are you ramblin’ on about?
Author: Here. Read the intro to this. (Hands them copy of Cupcakes MST)
Applejack: Consarnit, why are we here then!?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Well, I was talking to Rarity the other day…
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Get this, she didn’t want to be part of the next prank!
Pinkie Pie: (From Tv) So we made a little deal! She brings Fluttershy and Applejack over, and she doesn’t have to read today’s story!
Author: Why, that son of a bitch.
Fluttershy: I think you mean daughter of a mare.
Author: I know what I mean!
Twilight: So what’s the prank for today?
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Get this, so, we were thinking of giving you another gore story…
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) But then we decided to switch things up a bit!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Today’s a cheesy clop-fic called “Corporal Punishment”.
Pinkie Pie: It’s a Spike-Twilight pairing!
Twilight: For some odd reason, I’m really dreading this.
Flutershy: I don’t really like the idea of-
(Buzzers sound)
Author: We got story sign!

CORPORAL PUNISHMENT

Author: IS THAT THE TITLE?
Applejack: I GUESS SO.

By Dayland Banardi

Twilight: Editing done by Nightocean.

Twilight was in the library, surrounded by piles of books. She was flipping through one of them, intent on finding a certain spell.

Twilight: “That horn enhancer spell has got to be in here somewhere…”

"It's got to be here somewhere," she thought to herself. After going through lord-knows-how-many-books,

Author: THIS IS THE LORD. SHE WENT THROUGH 142 BOOKS.

Twilight threw her hooves up in the air.

Author: She did the pony-pokey, and threw herself about…

"Augh! Where's Pinkie Pie when you need her!?"
"You called?" said a voice from behind.

Applejack: “You never call me! I thought we had somethin’ special!”

"EEP!" Twilight fell face-first to the floor.

Author: That was clumsy. Does she do that every time a pony calls her name?
Applejack: Hey Twilight!
Twilight: Ahh! (crashes into a lamp, ties herself up accidently, and falls out a window)

"Hi Twilight!" said Pinkie, whose was sitting behind where Twilight was.
"H...

Applejack: Her name’s Pinkie.

how did you...you know what? Forget it."

Author: Forget what?

Twilight found her balance

Twilight: “It was in my coat pocket the whole time!”

and sat up, now facing Pinkie.
"I was wondering if you can help me find a book. I'm looking a age-reversal spell and..." But before Twilight could finish her sentence Pinkie zoomed past her and brought a book back in her mouth, placing it on the floor in front of the unicorn.

Twilight: “Um, Pinkie? That’s a book on how to write good fanfiction. We won’t need it for this story.”

"Let me guess, it was under 'A'," Twilight said flatly as she

Author: Had just been run over by a steamroller.

began flipping through the book. "Uh, no. It was under 'X'! Everypony knows that age-reversal spells are under ‘X’, silly!" Pinkie giggled.

Applejack: Duh!
Twilight: Idiot…
Fluttershy: Wait, really?
Author: No, Fluttershy, we’re being sarcastic. C’mon, get your head in the game.

"Why would age reversal be under..." but before Twilight could finish, she found the page she was looking for. "...I don’t get it," Twilight said.

Applejack: I reckin’ we’re going to be saying that a lot throughout this story!

"Say Twilight, why do you want to reverse your age? Ooh, is it for a party?"

Author: A reverbirthday party?

said Pinkie as she started hopping up and down.

Twilight: I knew installing a trampoline as my floor would be worth it!

"NO! Uh, I mean...oh I just want to learn something new. Nothing special or anything.

Applejack: “I WAS going to learn a spell to tie my shoes, but looking back on that, the idea seems silly.”

Heh heh" the purple mare replied nervously, hoping the Earth Pony buys it.

Author: SOLD, to the pony in pink!

Pinkie looked at Twilight with an odd look on her face for almost a minute,

Twilight: 56 seconds, actually.
Author: While they’re busy staring, just wait a second… Fluttershy, you’re being awfully quite. That’s really… well, in character.
Flutttershy: I just don’t like the idea of making fun of other peoples work… Can’t we just sit quietly and read?
Applejack: We ain’t criticizing their work or anything, we’re just… Um… making snarky comments.
Author: C’mon Fluttershy, give it a try. We’ll shut up and leave the next comment to you.
Fluttershy: Okay…

before she shrugged. "Okey dokey lokey! I have to go help the Cakes anyway! Oooh, if the spell works can you do it on me?"
"Uh, I guess"

Fluttershy: That sentence doesn’t have a period!
(Pause)
Author: … Um, yeah, that is true.
Fluttershy: Oh, so did I do a “riff” right?
Twilight: Look Fluttershy… Pointing out grammatical errors isn’t really that funny.
Applejack: You gotta be more subtle, darlin’.
Fluttershy: Oh…
Author: Hey, it’s a start. Just keep working at it.

"Woo-Hoo!" And with that Pinkie Pie rushed out of the door in a blur.

Author: The new, 2012 Ford Blur.

"I'll never understand that girl," Twilight sighed to herself.

-------------------------------------------------------
Spike was out most of the afternoon shopping for a new set of quills and a jar of ink.

Applejack: All afternoon? It’s not like you’re lugging a bushel full of apples everywhere ya go!

He arrived at the door, holding a bag on one hand.

Twilight: On the other hand…

“Twilight said she has a surprise for me when I return. I wonder what she meant,” Spike said to himself as he opened the door.

Fluttershy: I think that just means she has a surprise for you.
Applejack: There we go! That was better!

His eyes went wide.

Author: For the catch, but unfortunately the ears intercepted the pass.

The library was a mess; piles of books Twilight set aside earlier that day was still there.
“Twilight! If this is your idea of a surprise, it’s not funny!” Spike yelled in frustration. Just as he said that he saw Twilight stick her head out from one of the piles and give him a raspberry.

Fluttershy: Well, I guess that was nice of her.

“...Twi? You...you look different,” Spike said in confusion.

Applejack: “Did you do something to your mane?”

Sure enough, Twilight was now a little filly, looking no different from the day she got her cutie mark at her entrance exam. Spike was shocked at first,

Author: Damn lightning.

but then gave a mischievous grin. “Hmmm, you’ve been a bad girl, haven’t you, Little Twi?”

Twilight: “It’s true! I used the incorrect type of parchment one time! I’m VERY naughty!

Little Twilight gave a big grin and nodded in affirmative.

Author: “Make it so, number 1!”

Spike continued “and we all know what we do to little ponies who misbehave, right?”

Fluttershy: Time-out chair?
Applejack: Disowned?
Twilight: It can’t POSSIBLY be creepy clop-fic sex, right?

The purple filly replied “You have to catch me first!”

Author: “You might say that that’s the “catch”!” Get it?
Applejack and Twilight: (Groan)
Fluttershy: I don’t get it.

and ran off to the kitchen. Spike immediately dropped the bag

Applejack: And all the ink bottles shattered into little pieces.

and went after Twilight. Even as a kid Twilight was never as fast as Rainbow Dash

Twilight: You’d think that’d be a given.

but she gave the dragon quite a chase.
Twilight entered the kitchen and looked for a good hiding space.

Author: Try the oven.

She spotted a table in the middle and ducked under. Spike rushed in with a determined look in his face, looking around. He suddenly heard a soft giggle from under the table. “Ah ha!” yelled Spike as he dove head-first

Applejack: Into the wall, knockin’ him unconscious, and ending the story early.

under the table. “I got’cha!” exclaimed Spike as he grabbed Twilight, but the tiny unicorn wasn’t about to give up.
She grabbed Spike by the shoulder and started wrestling him.

Author: Go for the pile-driver!

She was now on top of him. Spike then pushed her out of her way and onto her back, with the dragon now on top of her.
At this point they start wrestling each-other all throughout the kitchen. Outside, through the hallway, sounds of plates crashing to the floor, chairs being knocked over, and an cabinet full of table-wares being pushed to the floor filled the air before being replaced by deafening silence.

Fluttershy: What’s that supposed to mean?
Twilight: WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU BECAUSE IT’S SO SILENT!

After a brief moment, Spike steps out of the kitchen, huffing while he’s holding filly Twilight, giggling like a little girl she is.

Author: Oh boy, you know what time it is? It’s time to playing “Figure Out What the Hell Tense We’re in Now”! And keep your eyes peeled, because you’re going to be playing that a LOT in this story!

“Geez,” Spike muttered to himself. “You’re heavy even when you’re little.”

Applejack: If Spike muttered to himself, that means he’s callin’ himself fat, right?

Twilight glared at him. “Do you want to do this or not?” Twilight said, breaking character for a brief moment.

Twilight: I think she’s been breaking character for a LOT more than a moment!

“Okay okay! I’m sorry!” Spike said.
Spike carried filly Twilight upstairs to their bedroom.

Applejack: But she was so heavy, he pulled a muscle.

Once they reached to Twilight’s bed, Spike sat down with the unicorn on his lap.

Author: “Ho, ho, ho, what do you want for Christmas little filly?”

Spike looked at her. Twilight glanced up,

Twilight: And screamed because there was a spider on the ceiling!
Fluttershy, Author, and Applejack: AHH!

smiled, and gave an affirmative nod. Spike smiled back.
“Twilight, you’ve been a naughty filly,” Spike said.

Author: “It’s coal for you, this year!”

“Leaving all that mess for me to clean up. You know what that means, don’t ya’?”

Applejack: That Twilight’s lazy?

“Oh no, Spikey! Anything but that!”

Author: “Not the buttons! Not the gumdrop buttons!”

Twilight exclaimed in a hammy, over-dramatic fashion that just made Spike more excited.

Author: Poor acting always makes me excited, because then I can make fun of said bad actor.

“Trust me, little filly. This will hurt me more than it does to you.”

Twilight: “OW! You were wrong!”

Spike held Twilight down with his left hand and slowly raised his right arm in the air. He held it up for a second, took a deep breath, exhaled,

Fluttershy: Breathed again, took his blood pressure, measured his cholesterol levels…

then immediately swung it downwards, his palm slamming Twilight directly on her cutie mark.

Author: Okay! I think it’s time for a break!
Twilight: I need to ready myself for the oncoming awful…

---

Author: Well Fluttershy, you had a few good quips. Nothing outrageously funny, but hey, practice makes perfect.
Fluttershy: Oh, thanks, I guess…
Twilight: You know Applejack, considering this is your first time, you’re taking to riffing like a natural.
Applejack: What can I say? The story brings out the worst in me.
Author: Come to think of it, why have you ponies been able to riff anyway? I’ve watched quite a few episodes, and sarcasm is not exactly a common occurrence.
Twilight: Well, what in Ponyville do we have to be sarcastic about? Parasprites?
Fluttershy: This situation is… unprecedented.
Author: You’re telling me. Speaking of unprecedented, I remember there was this one time when a wart the size of a soocer ball was-
(buzzers go off)
Applejack: We got story sign!

---

“Eep!” Twilight yelped in pain. Spike looked at her worried, but the unicorn just smiled.

Author: I’m on the weird part of FimFiction again…

Spike took this as a hint to keep going, raised his arm up and spanked Twilight again.

Applejack: Hey, no hints! That’s cheatin’!

SMACK!
“Ooh! I’m...”
SMACK!
“...sorry...”
SMACK!

Twilight: “That I’m out of character!”

“...Spike!”
SMACK!
“I’ll...”
SMACK!
“...never...”
SMACK!
“...make a

Applejack: “Horrible story like this…”

mess...”
SMACK!
“...ever again!”
Spike continued spanking her. “Oh no! I’m not falling for that again!”

Author: Spike is too wise for your tricks!

SMACK!

Twilight: Eh. The first few times were interesting, but my interest waned at around smack number five.

“After I’m done with this I’m going to do...”

Fluttershy: “Some apologizing to the fandom.”

SMACK!
“...something that will make sure...”

Twilight: “That this tragedy never happens again!"

SMACK!
“that you’re going to behave from now on!”
Spike continued to spank Twilight for few minutes, although for these two it felt like hours.

Applejack: Trust me, it feels like hours for us, too.

Spike continued to give an evil grin while Twilight started drooling from pleasure.

Author: Just what I want my girlfriend to do, drool during naughty hour.

After a while Spike gave Twilight an extra hard spank, causing her to scream in ecstasy as tears escaped her eyes.

Twilight: “We’re free! Hurry to the hide-out!”

By now her flank is red from all the smacking the dragon gave her, but he’s not done yet.

Author: Ha ha, that Spike! What other hilarious hi-jinks is this pesky dragon up to?

“Move. Get on the bed, you delinquent,” Spike said in the best authoritative voice he could give.

Fluttershy: Considering I can sound more authoritative than him, that’s not saying much.

Twilight couldn’t help but giggle

Twilight: She was stricken with a severe case of laughitis.

as she did what he ordered, getting out of Spike’s lap as she walked to the middle of the bed, abet painfully from all the spanking Spike gave her.

Author: She actively encouraged the painfulness of the spankings?
Twilight: She’s assisting in the achievement of pain from the spanking?
Applejack: I think Dayland was planning to use a different word than abet…

“You’re going to learn who’s the boss of this house, miss,”

Fluttershy: Owilicious?

Spike said as he stood up. His erection is visible, having been hardened while Twilight was on her lap.

Fluttershy: (turns a shade of crimson) Oh my…
Author: First rule of MSTing, Fluttershy. Show no fear.

“Oh please don’t, Mr. Spike! I mustn’t! I shouldn’t!” Twilight yelled in melodramatic fashion, still smiling from the excitement. “You should’ve thought of that. Now get your mouth over here,”

Applejack: Twilight said all that?

Spike said, pointing to his throbbing boner.
Twilight walked over to his dragonhood

Author: Dragons in the hood, fo realz!

and placed it in her mouth, slowly sucking it.

Author: “How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?” (Applejack slaps him)

Spike spasms from sudden pleasure. “Ooh...yeah, this is what happens to little fillies who don’t do what the man tells them to do.”

Applejack: Well, I guess it’s a darn shame you’re not a man, then.

Spike fell on his back on the bed as Twilight continued to suck

Twilight: Period.

him. Spike’s breathing became deeper as Twilight started taking the whole thing in,

Author: The stupidity of the story, that is.

deep-throating him. Twilight’s sucking became more fast and frantic, making Spike exhale more and more. Finally, after few minutes Spike shot his load

Author: Boom, headshot!

directly into Twilight’s throat. The purple filly choked

Applejack: We are here today to mourn the passin’ of Twilight Sparkle, who died in a way that, for some reason, her family did not want to bring up.

for a while but began swallowing. “Oh yeah, you naughty filly. Swallow every little drop.”

Applejack: “You better clean that plate, or you ain’t gettin any dessert!”
Twilight: Ugh. That didn’t sound right…

Twilight gave one last suck, making sure she got the last drop. She pulled out, giving him a devilish look.

Author: She was really a succubus this entire time! I should’ve known!

“You know what, Twilight? Maybe I’ve been too hard on you.

Fluttershy: Literally. (Other three stare at her.) What? Was that not funny? (Other three burst out laughing.)

Why don’t you roll over so I can make it up to you?”

Author: Do a barrel roll!

“Oh no, Spike! Anything but that! I’m still a young virgin!” Twilight yelled in a despair that would rival Rarity’s.

Applejack: I believe this calls for a Rarity-off.

“Well, too bad. I’m going to return you a favor whether you like it or not. Now on your back!” Twilight laid on her back, spreading her hind legs apart. “Hmmm, if there’s one thing I love more than gems, it’s a taste of a deliciously young filly,” smirked Spike as he licked his lips.

Author: You know what? I think I’m going to need to prepare my brain-bleach bath soon.
Twilight: I’ve had it ready this entire time.

Spike stuck his tongue out

Fluttershy: Well that’s rude!

and slowly licked the outer lips of Twilight’s pussy. The unicorn began moaning from the sensation. Spike gave her clit a little nudge with his lips, making Twilight gasp.

Twilight: In realization that NO PONY asked for this story, yet it was made anyway!

Spike was licking Twilight outside her ponycunt

Author: You know, I don’t think ponies name their cunts “pony cunts”. I don’t go around saying human cunts, now, do I?
Applejack: Do you?
Author: No!

at first, but he eventually shoved his tongue inside her and began eating her out.

Author: I guess this would be called a “take-out meal”, am I right? (slapped by all three ponies)

Twilight decided to drop her little act for a little while and just let Spike do his thing, moaning ever so often.

Twilight: Who would’ve thought a dragon would under-perform during sex?

Once in a while Spike would get his tongue out and nibble on her outer vaginal walls lightly. This caught Twilight by surprise but she didn’t mind.

Applejack: After all, it was Spike’s money, so he called the shots.

At this point Twilight was wet from lubricant. Spike tasted the lubricant for a bit before he noticed that he was getting a boner again.

Author: Down boy!

Spike teased Twilight a little bit by licking the lips once more before he was fully erect.
“So, little Twilight. Who’s the boss of this side of the curb?” Spike asked with his arms on his side, showing Twilight his boner.

Twilight: “Rainbow Dash of course. What? What’s with the angry stare?”

“You are, Spike,” filly Twilight said, staring at his massive erection.

Author: This is a strong case of bile fascination.

“Right, and I’m going to make sure you won’t forget that. Turn around and bend over,” ordered Spike. Twilight got up on her legs and lifted her flanks ups. Spike grabbed her tail lightly

Applejack: YANK!
Twilight: “Ow!”

and moved it aside. Twilight was exposed to him, her pussy still wet from all the licking.

Fluttershy: That is kind of what happens when you lick something.

Spike didn’t bother to be gentle this time and just slammed his dick right inside her.

Author: There we go, straight to the point!

Spike is no stranger to making love to little fillies; his experience with the Cutie Mark Crusaders proves it.

Twilight: I smell a prequel right around the corner!

And Spike had sex with Twilight before, on the day they roleplayed after she found his diary.

Author: Spike was a paladin while she was a cleric.

But the sensation was nothing like before. For once, Spike felt powerful; he had control, even if temporarily, and he was intent on not wasting it.

Author: Whenever you’re done using your power, make sure to recycle the leftovers.

Spike took his dick out and immediately slammed it back in, a little deeper each time. Twilight squeaked in pleasure. She never realized this experience was overwhelming. Her minds started getting cloudy

Applejack: With a chance of some light showers in the evenin’.

and her eyes rolled back, drooling all over the bed.

Twilight: Spike? You better stop; I think she’s having a seizure.

Finally the filly had reached her limits; her pussy clenched Spike

Author: Strangling him to death.

as she started spilling juice all over the dragon’s lower body.

Author: A whole carton of orange juice, wasted!

Almost immediately after Spike shot his gooey seed inside Twilight, which spilled out of her and onto the bed.

Applejack: Based on ma farming expertise, I predict that that there seed is gonna grow into a nice, healthy tree!
Author: Yo dawg, I heard you like trees…

They both lied down on the bed, covered in sticky love juice from both parties,

Twilight: When did we switch to legal language?

breathing deep. It only took Spike few seconds to pass out. Little Twilight stood up, looked at Spike and giggled. “You boys are all the same. Have a good time and then promptly fall asleep afterwards.”

Fluttershy: He didn’t fall asleep, he passed out! Call a doctor, or something!

The purple filly kissed Spike on the cheek, jumped out of the bed and left the room, deciding to let her dragon companion rest for a while.

Applejack: Look out for that line!
All: Ahh! CRASH!

-------------------------------------------------------
“Spike? Time to wake up.”
“Zzzz...(snort) Whu-?”

Twilight: “I had the most horrible dream! I was in a horrible fan fiction with you, and… Oh wait. Shoot.”

Spike opened his eyes and focused. On the left side he saw Twilight, back to her fully-grown self.

Applejack: “On the right was the fandom, but they weren’t important.”

She was grinning at him.

Author: “Alright, what’d you slip me this time?”

“Had fun?” she asked.
“Oh yeah,” replied the purple dragon as he stood up and stretched. He took a light sniff at himself, then covered his nose. “Ugh. I should clean myself up.”

All: PLEASE DO.

“Well, I just got out of the shower. It’s yours.”

Fluttershy: “I mean, this is my house, so it’s mine, but it’s now yours, but not really… Oh, just take your shower!”

“Thanks, Twilight.” Spike jumped out of the bed and proceeded to walk to the bathroom, but stopped and turned, facing Twilight. “So, I guess you’ve been reading my diary again.”

Author: “I was going to try the “Agony in Pink” fantasy, but I didn’t have enough costume pieces.”

“What can I say? You have a very imaginative fantasy,” replied Twilight. Spike chuckled. “Well, when I’m living with somepony who can fulfill my dreams and desires, you’ve gotta go all the way.”

Twilight: Wait, so did I say all that?

“Oh yes. Unicorn magic definitely has some use,” Twilight mused herself.

Author: Please stop musing yourself.

“Anyway, I have to go to the Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie Pie wants me to use that age-reversal spell on her.”

Applejack: I think ah detect a sequel!

“Huh,” Spike wondered. “I wonder what she’s planning with that?”

Author: Oh, that Pinkie Pie. She’s so random! What delightful and wacky time does she have in store?
-------------------------------------------------------
“Soon, dad.” Pinkamena said, her mane straight. “Soon, you will feel my wrath. For all those years of tomfoolery you put me through.”

Twilight: “And for trying to grow rocks. I mean, really?”

On the side of her darkened room is Pinkie’s father, looking at his daughter in horror while bound and gagged.

Fluttershy: I thought fathers were supposed to give unconditional love?

“You loved me when I was just a filly. Well, you’re going to see that little filly again. But guess what? This time I’m going to be the one in charge.” Pinkamena then proceeded to laugh maniacally as lightning strikes in the background.

Author: You might say the lightning was the real one in charge! Hah! (The other three ponies groan)

END

Author: OR IS IT?
Twilight: Yes it is, thank Celestia…
Fluttershy: Why does it feel like my eyes are burning from inside out?
Twilight: Don’t worry, that’s normal.
Author: It shows you’re sane.
Applejack: I think I’m gonna throw-up…
Author: Not here! I just got a new rug installed in the Author-lair!
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) That was funny! I think your faces turned green a few times!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Except Fluttershy! She was just turning red!
Fluttershy: (Blushing) That was, uh, anger! I was red with rage!
Applejack: C’mon, lay off the poor pony, she just suffered a traumatic experience!
Twilight: I hope we all get free rides to the psychiatric ward.
Author: Yeah, we’ll get cured, come back, and read ANOTHER blasted story!
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Hey, how bad could these stories be?
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Yeah! You’re just being babies!
Twilight: Maybe you should try reading them sometime?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) As if!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) We’d never read this stuff.
Twilight: (Evil glint in eye) Oh, we’ll see… Press the button, Dash.
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) I always have to do everything don’t I?
(Grumbling, she presses the button, and the TV blips out)

Holy crap. This is the big one. Well, not THE big one, that was Cupcakes. This is a fairly large sized one. I’ve gotten a bunch of requests to do it, and to all you people; WHY? WHY PUT ME- I mean- THE CHARACTERS THROUGH SUCH AN EXPERIENCE?! Just kidding, I have a stomach of lead when it comes to fan fiction. How else would I manage to write all these? And for those of you getting tired of the M rated stuff, I’m going to go for a much milder fic next time.
Oh yeah, my assessment of the story's quality; it sucks. No, seriously, this is pretty bad.
Enjoy!

Rainbow Dash: Hello?
Pinkie Pie: Anypony home? I brought STREAMERS!
Rainbow Dash: Why’d you bring streamers?
Pinkie Pie: A pony’s always got to be prepared for an impromptu party!
Author: You two? I’ve already had enough of your stupid MST’s-
Pinkie Pie: MPPT3K’s!
Author: Whatever! Anyway, I’m pissed already as is! I tried posting my latest creation onto FimFiction, and everyone gave it one star!
Rainbow Dash: Wow. It must’ve sucked.
Author: I don’t get it! It was a great story about The Land Before Time…
Pinkie Pie: Oh, it was a crossover then!
Author: What? No, it was just about The Land Before Time.
Rainbow Dash: … I have a feeling I know why everyone gave it one star.
Author: I don’t want to talk about it… Anyway, what can I do for you two?
Pinkie Pie: For us? You’re the one who called us here!
Author: … Oh crap.
Rainbow Dash: Seconded.
(Doors swing shut and lock. TV turns on, showing Twilight’s face.)
Twilight: (From TV) Well, well. It seems the sock’s on the other foot, now.
Pinkie Pie: Hey Twilight! Are we going to do something fun today!
Rainbow Dash: No, Pinkie, WE’RE the ones getting pranked!
Author: Okay, I can understand you wanting to make them read the story, Twilight. But why ME? We’re like war buddies that trekked through horrible fics together! Remember the good times!
Twilight: (From TV) Do you remember “Extremely Terrible and Horrifying Stories”?
Author: … Yes.
Twilight: (From TV) This is revenge. I’ve done research into todays prank, and I’ve determined this is perhaps the WORST gore story out there by far! This is “Sweet Apple Massacre”! Enjoy!
(Buzzer sounds)
All: We’ve got story sign!

---

Big Macintosh surveyed the many apples trees that made up Sweet Apple Acres.

Rainbow Dash: Slow down story, you’re moving too fast.

It was nearly apple-buck season once again, and it looked as though they would be having a bumper harvest this year.

Author: Turns out the Apple family has a contract with Toyota.

He nodded, satisfied. His sister Applejack walked up beside him.
"Whoo, boy howdy!

All: Howdy Applejack!

I sure am glad you ain't injured this time, Big Macintosh!" she said. "Why, there's even more apples on them trees than last year!"
"Eeyup!" Big Macintosh replied, in his characteristic manner.

Pinkie Pie: Lot’s and lot’s of energy!

"Them's a lotta apples."

Author: That’s a lot of fish.
Rainbow Dash: Hey! No obscure references!

Applejack was silent for a moment, enjoying the feel of the slight breeze

Rainbow Dash: There’d only be full breezes in my story!

against her blonde mane. "Say, I don't suppose you've seen Apple Bloom anywhere, have ya?

Pinkie Pie: “She’s in the basement- I mean, eenope!”

I been looking for her all day, and she ain't nowhere to be found."

Author: So, she is somewhere?

Big Macintosh shook his head. "Sorry sis, can't say I have."

Rainbow Dash: “Well, I can, but why ruin the surprise?”

"Darn! That silly filly's probably gone off somewhere with her friends. I just hope she ain't getting herself into any mischief, or else there'll be hay to pay!"

Author: She’d made a bet with a bundle of hay, you see.

"Don't you go worryin' yourself, Applejack,"

Pinkie Pie: “Worry some other pony instead!”

he replied, "I'm sure she's perfectly fine.

Rainbow Dash: Yeah, perfectly fine. For about half a page.

But anyway, I need to go back to the barn.

Author: …yard, my favorite TV show!

I gotta go and press some apples for some

Rainbow Dash: Information. I’ll get them to talk yet!

of my home-brewed apple cider. I hoof-picked a few apples earlier specially, all nice and plump and ripe, and they ain't gonna press themselves."

Pinkie Pie: Apples are lazy like that!

Applejack laughed. "You sure do love your cider, don't ya!

Pinkie Pie: Oh, I get it! This story is going to be a shipping between Big Macintosh and the cider! That’s why people don’t like the story, right?
Author: … Sure.

Just make sure Apple Bloom don't get her hooves on it again, we all know what happened last time!"

Rainbow Dash: “After that bear exploded, we had to scrape his guts off of half the orchard!”

Big Macintosh chuckled along with his sister. "Eeyup!"
The large red pony trotted back to the barn, and gently closed the door.

Pinkie Pie: See ponies, he’s a gentle giant! I’m sure Big Macintosh would never do anything bad!

He opened a trap-door

Author: It’s a TRAP! … Okay, that was a little forced.

with his mouth and went down the steps into an old disused apple cellar. Usually it was just filled with junk; scrap metal, old worn out ploughs,

Rainbow Dash: Because everyone knows that ploughs are used for planting apple trees.

old rope and various other bits and bobs

Author: “Hi, my name’s Bob. Please let me out.”

that had outlived their usefulness. Big Macintosh often came down here when he wanted to get away from the world, to withdraw

Author: Big Macintosh’s defense rose!

for a little while for some peace and quiet.
Today was different, however.

Rainbow Dash: Today was the meeting of his rock band, “Macintosh and the Bloody Apples”.

The old rope, at least, had found a new use,

Pinkie Pie: It got a part-time job as a tow cable, and made eight-fifty an hour!

because in cellar space were Apple Bloom and her fellow Cutie Mark Crusaders Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, bound and gagged, propped up against the wall.

Author: “Oh, I just love your new decorations, Big Macintosh!”
Rainbow Dash: “Thanks, I got them at a garage sale for two bits!”

Three pairs of scared, round eyes looked up at Big Macintosh as he approached.

Author: Soldiers, halt! Brain bleach at the ready!

"Now then, ya three fillies," he said, as placid as ever.

Pinkie Pie: Glad to see Big M is so excited about this.
Rainbow Dash: Hey, he’s more excited than me.

"Y'all need to learn a lesson. You need to learn not to mess around with Big Macintosh.

Author: “And those who mess with Big Macintosh get fed to the fishes.”

All I want is some peace and quiet," he said, looking directly at Apple Bloom.

Pinkie Pie: Staring contest! Go!

The little red haired filly cowered under his gaze. "All I want is a quiet life, without all you Cutie Mark Crusaders runnin' round the place, making with the noise.

Author: “And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
There's one thing I hate! All the NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!”
Rainbow Dash: What’d I say about obscure references?
Author: They aren’t obscure to me…

When I'm finished with y'all, there gonna be no noise from you ever again."

Pinkie Pie: This is horrible! He’s going to shock them into silence by having them read “Cupcakes”!

As Big Macintosh approached, Scootaloo flapped her wings, struggling to get

Rainbow Dash: Into character.

off the ground. Big Macintosh laughed, and grabbed one of her wings. He twisted,

Author: And shouted.

at first slow, watching the pain visibly grow in her eyes, but then tore hard, smiling slightly

Pinkie Pie: That’s the spirit! You’ve gotta have fun with it! C’mon, give us a big ol’ smile!

when he heard the snap and the muffled whimper that came from Scootaloo. He then threw her to the ground.

Author: Who caught her, and ran thirty seven miles for a touchdown!
Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie: Yeah! Whoo!

"Your wings are useless, ya silly filly," he said pleasantly.

Rainbow Dash: That sounded more unpleasant, but, what do I know? I’m just sane.

He then went to a toolbox and took out a rusty knife with a jagged blade and dropped it in front of the three fillies.

Author: At least he didn’t drop the soap.

"I'm gonna take off those gags now," he said. "The first one of you to scream gets their tongues cut out."

Rainbow Dash: All of their tongues, or just some of them?

He took off Sweetie Belle's gag first. She looked up at him with terror, but managed

Pinkie Pie: A successful prank store!

to stay quiet. Next was Scootaloo. She let out a strangled whine

Author: What the hell is that supposed to sound like?

and was breathing heavily, still in horrendous pain from her broken wing, but managed

Pinkie Pie: A successful bakery! How yummy!
Rainbow Dash: Stop.

to resist the temptation.

Author: Remember kids; if some situation wants you to call out for help, just say NO.

Finally, he removed the gag from his sister Apple Bloom. She stared at him with her large round eyes,

Author: It’s pony Magibon!

filled with fear and incomprehension. This was Big Macintosh after all, her big brother and the gentlest of souls. Wasn't he?

Rainbow Dash: Based on the fact he kind of broke Scootaloo’s wing, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say no. No he is not.

Surely this was just a horrible joke?

Pinkie Pie: I give it a four out of ten on my prank-o-meter.

But she had seen what he had done to Scootaloo's wing, and it was definitely no joke.

Author: What? But I thought it was hilarious!

She took a deep breath.

Pinkie Pie: Put that breath back right now! You’ll spoil your appetite for dinner!

"APPLEJA-"

Author: Applejake?
Rainbow Dash: Applejames?
Pinkie Pie: Applejam?

Big Macintosh shoved his hoof in Apple Bloom's mouth, silencing her scream.

Rainbow Dash: That’s a big mouth!

He sighed and shook his head. "I tole you not to scream, Apple Bloom. You should listen to your big brother."

Pinkie Pie: “And furthermore… Ew! You licked my hoof! Disgusting!”

"I'll... I'll scream, and scream again, an' Applejack will hear and, and..."

Author: Is what Apple Bloom would have said, if there wasn’t a giant hoof in her mouth.
Rainbow Dash: Instead, it came out more like, “Oirl… Oirl hcremsh oi hcremsh ahga, arn arprloar il ear eh, eh…”

Apple Bloom said, falteringly.
"Ya know, I kinda hope you do. After all, I still ain't forgiven Applejack for that injury she gave me last apple-buck season. If you want Applejack to join y'all down here, scream away. I, for one, would welcome her company. But now, to business."

Author: “Sign here.”

Big Macintosh picked up the knife, and loomed over the cowering Apple Bloom. He pinned her down

Author: 3… 2…1…
Rainbow Dash: You used that joke already in another story.
Author: Is it my fault that every gore story uses the word “pinned” at some point?

with a powerful hoof, and stuck the knife into Apple Bloom's mouth. Sweetie Belle vomited at the sight,

Rainbow Dash: Sweetie Belle, he hasn’t DONE anything yet.
Author: I could just imagine dinner.
Pinkie Pie: “Hey Rarity, could you pass the… oh…(vomiting noise)
Rainbow Dash: “Sweetie Belle, I was just using a fork!”

the thick yellow chunks and acidic-smelling liquid spattering heavily on the floor.

Author: That liquid needs to enter a weight loss program or something.

Scootaloo managed

Pinkie Pie: A restaurant for fine dining!
Author: Stop.

not to be sick, but rather gasped and sobbed and choked with panic.

Pinkie Pie: She’s choking! Somebody do something!
Rainbow Dash: I told her not to eat too much panic at one time!

Big Macintosh forced open Apple Bloom's mouth and with some effort cut out her tongue. Apple Bloom tried to scream but her mouth was too full of blood,

Author: (shivers) Exactly like my last trip to the dentist.

so it was more of a muted gurgle. After a short while she collapsed, tears streaming from her eyes, falling unconscious from the shock and the pain. Big Macintosh then took the tongue and rolled it in the puddle of putrid vomit

Pinkie Pie: Don’t call the vomit putrid, you’ll hurt its feelings!

on the floor. He smiled at Scootaloo.
"Ya hungry?"

Author: “If I say no, would that have any impact on your next action?”
Pinkie Pie: Oh… Scootaloo always gets the best treats!
Rainbow Dash: All I got last time was a triple layer chocolate cake.

Scootaloo shook her head vigorously and cast him a defiant glare. "If Rainbow Dash was here she would kick the crap out of you, you... you maniac!"

Rainbow Dash: That is the best line in the entire story!
Author: I wonder why you think that…

Big Macintosh shrugged. "Well, she ain't. An' anyway, I wouldn't be so sure about that. Rainbow Dash ain't as tough as she likes to make out."

Rainbow Dash: And that’s the worst line in the entire story.

He shoved the vomit-covered tongue into Scootaloo's mouth,

Pinkie Pie: Now she has two tongues! Her sense of taste will be amazing!

and used his hoof to clamp her mouth shut. "Don't you go tryin' to spit it out now," he said calmly, with a little laugh and the filly struggled and squirmed. "Din't your mother ever tell you how important it is to chew your food?"

Author: “Cause my mother told me it was below breathing, but above the ability to draw a perfect circle.”

Scootaloo closed her eyes and flapped her one good wing desperately, eventually swallowing Apple Bloom's tongue.

Pinkie Pie: “This… is… DELICIOUS!”

Big Macintosh, still holding the writhing Scootaloo down with his strong hooves, then mounted the orange filly

Author: And engaged in a fearsome game of polo.

and slid his penis into her tight virgin pussy,

Rainbow Dash: Unbeknownst to the author of this story, that last sentence wasn’t entirely true.
Author: Oh, low blow!

raping her for several minutes while Sweetie Belle watched,

Rainbow Dash: Extremely bored.

trembling with revulsion. Apple Bloom was still out cold, blood pouring from her torn-up mouth.

Pinkie Pie: A needle and thread would do wonders here!

"Cutie Mark Crusaders rape victims," Big Macintosh said with tender mockery

Author: Ha ha! Oh, that Big Macintosh! Always the kidder!

as he fucked Scootaloo, followed by a gentle chuckle. "Guess y'all found your purpose in life now; your special talent is gettin' raped. Eeyup."

Pinkie Pie: So, what symbol would appear on their flanks for that?
Rainbow Dash: Pinkie, that is a question that should never be asked.
Author: Agreed. While he’s busy… um… engaging in a vigorous activity with Scootaloo, let’s take a break.
Rainbow Dash: You don’t have to tell me twice!

---

Author: Alright, so I did some research, and it turns out that Sweetie Belle has a unique disease called Mouthfullitis. It’s a psychological condition where seeing another pony get something put into their mouth results in the patient throwing up.
Rainbow Dash: Wow, that’s rough. Just think of all the things she can’t experience.
Pinkie Pie: Just think! That means NO lollipops!
Author: Luckily, it doesn’t apply to everything, only a few select objects. Objects a patient can’t look at being shoved into another pony’s mouth include bananas, forks, spoons, knives, Wonka bars, flashlights, tic-tacs, any type of small mammal, and corduroy pants.
Rainbow Dash: Aren’t you forgetting something?
Author: No.
Rainbow Dash: Something VERY obvious?
Author: Let me think… oh, you mean a stallion’s-
(Buzzer sounds)
Pinkie Pie: We got story sign!

---

Rainbow Dash: Are they still going at it?

Eventually he withdrew

Author: Oh good, we didn’t miss anything.

from Scootaloo, and gripped her head tight and repeatedly punched her hard with a hoof in the face, causing her nose to shatter and spurt with blood.

Rainbow Dash: I’m getting the feeling that the author started running out of ideas at this point, and just said, “Screw it, I’m just going to have him punch a pony in the face”.

He scooped up some of the blood and some of Sweetie Belle's vomit with his tongue and held it in his mouth, so that it mixed with his saliva,

Pinkie Pie: No, no, no, you’re supposed to use a blender for mixing, silly filly!

and then brought his mouth close to Scootaloo's

Author: And kissed her with mad passion!

and spat the rank mixture into her mouth.

Rainbow Dash: Good aim.

He clamped his hoof over her mouth and held her nose until she gagged and eventually had no choice but to swallow.
As Scootaloo retched and spat and cried,

Pinkie Pie: What a baby!

he turned to Sweetie Belle. He grabbed her easily,

Rainbow Dash: Did the author think it would be HARD, and needed to point that out?

as she was too shocked and traumatised to respond, and with apparent amusement he rammed

Author: The outer gates, broke through, and successfully conquered the city.

her horn up Scootaloo's ass. The horn was too big and hard,

Author: That’s what Sweetie Bell gets for using ZyGain brand horn enlarger.

so the skin around Scootaloo's ass ripped and blood and fecal matter first trickled and then poured profusely down onto Sweetie Belle's face, as well as urine as Scootaloo pissed herself.

Rainbow Dash: Little did Sweetie Belle know that Scootaloo pissed just to be a jerk.

"You keep doin' that, Sweetie Belle," he said.

Pinkie Pie: Isn’t he the one doing it?

The unicorn carried on pushing her horn up Scootaloo's anus, slowly but surely.

Author: Slow and steady wins the race!

Her normally well groomed pink and purple mane was now stained a reddish-brown, glistening with the wetness of the piss and blood.

Rainbow Dash: Don’t worry, kid. I hear reddish-brown is in this year.

"If ya stop, I'll come over there and, uh, get creative.

Author: By over there, do you mean five centimeters? Because you’re the one holding her in place!

I may seem a bit dense, but I'm actually quite a creative stallion, ya know," Big Macintosh said, with a wink. "Eeyup!"

Pinkie Pie: It’s true! You should see his account on FimFiction!

He went to Apple Bloom and penetrated his little sister's unconscious body with his hard cock.

Rainbow Dash: How’d that rooster get down in the basement?

While he violated her, he got another knife,

Author: Multi-tasking at its finest!

this one sharp and shiny, and sliced open her flank, causing her glistening intestines to flop out wetly onto the floor.

Pinkie Pie: “I thought I told you to dry yourself up before coming over here to be tortured?”

He glanced over, and was pleased to see that Sweetie Belle was still using her horn to anally penetrate Scootaloo, and her face was now completely covered in blood and feces and urine.

Author: Oddly enough, it was a good look for her.
Pinkie Pie: After the incident, she went on to be featured in a variety of fashion magazines!

He turned his attention back to Apple Bloom,

Rainbow Dash: His attention was very clumsy, so it took a while.

and scooped up her crimson entrails and wrapped them around her neck, still fucking the filly,

Author: Say that five times fast.

and with his front hooves he pulled and pulled until it was wrapped so tightly around Apple Bloom's neck that it broke her windpipe.

Pinkie Pie: “Sorry about that! I’ll buy you a new one!”

She was now surely dead,

Author: “But I’m not dead!”
Pinkie Pie: “Yes she is.”
Author: “I feel happy!”

but Big Macintosh continued fucking her furiously until her body began to lose form

Pinkie Pie: GASP! She was really a shape shifter all this time!

and collapse into a quivering, amorphous mass of fur and blood and flesh.

Author: The same thing happened the last time I had sex. And she was still alive!

The perineum had fallen away, leaving a single red and raw gaping void.

Rainbow Dash: Congratulations! You own a dictionary!

He carried on until he was fucking nothing but a single swollen and bloody orifice,

Author: A lot of woman would kill for a guy that was as long lasting as Big Macintosh.

and then discarded his baby sister's carcass as though she were nothing more than a rotten apple core.

Pinkie Pie: Not that we’re saying that apple cores are any less equal compared to other fruits!

He then took the knife, and grabbed Sweetie Belle and tossed her aside.

Author: Salad.

He forced himself into Scootaloo's ruined anus, and then took the knife and cut from her ass in a sweeping motion

Rainbow Dash: Also called the “Take Out the Trash” swipe.

up to her belly, and all her innards fell out.

Pinkie Pie: What clumsy innards!

He then grabbed her head, twisted and tore it clean off,

Pinkie Pie: Well, at least he’s being neat about it.

using his immense strength, and fucked it in the mouth and then tossed it aside.

Author: Not unlike a rotten apple.

He then had sex with her headless body, both in the vagina and the ass until he got bored.

Rainbow Dash: Dude, I can totally understand the need for a change of pace.

Sweetie Belle was the last remaining Cutie Mark Crusader. She was herself barely conscious, overcome with the nauseous stench of blood,

Pinkie Pie: That’s one pony’s opinion! I, for one, think blood smells nice if you add a touch of nutmeg!

shit and piss that covered her horn and her face. Big Macintosh pinned

Author: 3… 2…
Rainbow Dash: Author?
Author: C’mon, it’s such an easy joke!

Sweetie Belle down with his hoof and plunged the knife into her green eye, and twisted, causing vitreous fluid to dribble out onto the handle. At that, Sweetie Belle let out a throaty whine

Author: Okay, a strangled whine I can imagine. But what the hell is a throaty whine like?

and involuntarily emptied her bowels, and the aroma of fresh urine and feces filled the apple cellar once again.

Pinkie Pie: “Here at Sweet Apple Acres, we keep our urine and feces fresh!”

He withdrew the knife and did the same to the other eye, each time holding her tight and sticking his hoof into her mouth to silence her agonized screams.

Rainbow Dash: Hey! She’s trying to scream! Cut her tongue out!

He licked the vitreous

Author: Okay, you can access Wikipedia, we get it.

fluid that had leaked onto the knife, and then methodically began cutting and hacking at her front left hoof using the rusty knife.

Pinkie Pie: Hey, you use a knife for hacking, right?
Author: Yeah.
Pinkie Pie: So why do they call it a hacksaw if-
Rainbow Dash: Shut up, Pinkie Pie!

The knife was quite blunt, so it took a Herculean effort to get through the skin, bone and cartilage, but eventually the bone splintered and the leg came off. He did the same to her other legs, until all four were amputated and nothing remained but bloody stumps,

Pinkie Pie: When did she turn into a tree?

with slimy white ligament and broken bone shards hanging out. At some point Sweetie Belle had passed out,

Pinkie Pie: Cupcakes, for all to enjoy!
Rainbow Dash: Please, don’t mention Cupcakes…

the overwhelming pain too much for her to bear.
He then used the knife to gouge out her left eye

Author: I guess the eye regenerated while he was busy hacking.

and jammed his penis into her eye socket, penetrating repeatedly deep into her brain,

Author: Hey Sweetie Belle, something on your mind?
Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie: (Groans)

enjoying how tight her skull felt around his hard shaft and how warm and squishy the brain-matter felt against the tip of his throbbing penis.

Rainbow Dash: I guess there’s a fetish for everything.
Author: I should check to see if there’s a penis-in-skull forum on the internet.

As he did he twisted Sweetie Belle's neck. After he had finished skull-fucking her,

Rainbow Dash: That is one sentence I never thought I’d read.

he cracked open her skull with a swift stamp of the hoof, and bent down and ate some of the exposed brain,

Pinkie Pie: “It tastes like jello!”

taking care to spit out a few fragments of skull bone that had got mixed in as he chewed.

Author: It’s like cracking eggs, except a skull instead of a shell and a brain instead of yolk.
Pinkie Pie: One recipe for a brain omelet coming right up!

It was warm and slimy and tough, and stuck to the back of his throat.

Rainbow Dash: That’s because it also had duct tape attached to it.

He swallowed, and then raped Sweetie Belle in the ass until it tore open and his engorged penis was smeared with what little fecal matter remained in her rectum.

Author: Two teaspoons, to be exact.

He took one of Sweetie Belle's detached legs and shoved it inside her ass,

Rainbow Dash: The fillies are pretty quite at this point, so I suppose this part’s for kicks.

and then fucked Apple Bloom and Scootaloo's bodies the same way, forcing the amputated limb in, hoof-first, as far as it could go. He thought how strange it was that the still lumps of torn flesh that he was fucking with Sweetie Belle's leg had been so vibrant and alive such a short time ago.

Pinkie Pie: “Who would’ve thought killing them would make them so non-vibrant?”

But now, all three were dead, and he finished by spurting his voluminous load

Author: I absolutely love the use of the word “voluminous” here.

into Apple Bloom's destroyed backside. He watched with satisfaction

Author: “You done good, Macintosh. You done good.”

as the semen and blood and shit mixed together, forming a foamy maroon pool.

Pinkie Pie: Who’s up for a swim?!

He bent down and greedily lapped up some of it with his tongue, pressing his tongue deep into her anal cavity so as not to miss any,

Rainbow Dash: At least he’s thorough.

letting some dribbling down his chin. It tasted foul of course,

Author: Naturally.

a rancid, tangy slime that burned his throat, but it felt so satisfying.

Rainbow Dash: No, it felt foul, rancid, and tangy.

He swallowed the filthy goo, and wiped his mouth with a hoof. It was done.

Author: Much like the three fillies, eh? (socked in the face by Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash)

Big Macintosh would finally get his peace and quiet.
"Big Macintosh, ya down there?"

Pinkie Pie: “Nothing down here but us desecrated bodies!”

It was Applejack.

All: Duh!

He looked at the disfigured corpses of the three fillies, all now barely recognisable as the oh-so-sweet Cutie Mark Crusaders, and realised he felt strangely unsatisfied.

Rainbow Dash: All those times he WAS feeling satisfied? Never happened.

It had all been a bit too quick and easy. Now Applejack... that would be a challenge.

Pinkie Pie: Nothing like a good challenge!

She was Ponyville's best athlete after all;

Rainbow Dash: EXCUSE ME?!

she even had the Prize Pony of Ponyville trophy to prove it.

Rainbow Dash: No fair! That’s a popularity contest, and you know it!

And, of course, he still hadn't forgiven her for that injury.

Pinkie Pie: Of course!

He felt his penis stiffen once again in anticipation.

Author: “Sweet Transvestite”, anyone?

"Hey, Big Mac, I said are ya down there?" came Applejack's lilting voice again,

Pinkie Pie: Somepony’s been abusing the thesaurus again.

this time more insistent.
Big Macintosh replied serenely,

Rainbow Dash: You know, for a serial killer, he could at least be a bit more eccentric.

"I sure am, sis. Hey, come down here a minute. I've got somethin' to show you."
"Sure thing! What is it?"
"It's a surprise."
"Oh boy, I sure do love surprises! Somethin' real nice I'll bet."

Author: “I hope you like murder!”

Something real nice? Big Macintosh looked at the mangled, mutilated remains of the Cutie Mark Crusaders and his lips curled into a thin smile.

Author: Then he got an idea! An awful idea! The Mac got a terrible, awful idea!

"Eeyup."

Rainbow Dash: Eeshut up. Dear Celestia, that was rough!
Author: Is everyone okay? We all made it out intact?
Pinkie Pie: (giggles) I think I smell my brain fizzling, but other wise I’m okay!
Twilight: (From TV) So Pinkie Pie? Did you learn your lesson?
Pinkie Pie: Yep! I’ve gotta do even MORE of these, because all this commenting is giving me the giggles!
Rainbow Dash: … Um…
Author: She is the spirit of laughter, I guess.
Twilight: (From TV) Ugh… There’s no reasoning with this crazy pony! Rainbow, push the button!
Rainbow Dash: … But I’m over here.
Twilight: (From TV) Oh, right. Sorry!
(Twilight pushes the button, and the TV turns off with a blip)

Ugh... So sick... Have to talk... with ellipses... See the sacrifices I make for you guys? I could be playing Skyrim right now! I expect get well cards from all of you! This next riff is part of a multi-chapter story, which I'll be breaking down into smaller pieces and be doing over time. I'll do other one-shots in between chapters (and other multi-chapter stories? Who knows?) This is a dark piece that is extremely tame compared to the stories I've been doing so far. If you want to give it a read without the commentary, go here. As for my personal opinion on the fic, I think the author of the story himself (herself?) sums up the problems of it pretty nicely here. The story feels a bit scattered, and the writing isn't all that great in the beginning. I was happy to find that the story's quality vastly improves as it continues, and I actually found myself enjoying it around chapter seven or so. If you're looking for a longer story to dig your teeth into, I'd recommend giving this one a shot. It's not the best, but it's FAR from the worst!
Enjoy!

---

Pinkie Pie: Hey everypony!
Author: She's said two words and already I'm suspicious.
Twilight: I was suspicious after one.
Rarity: I just read who was saying the line and I was suspicious.
Pinkie Pie: You silly fillies! Why would I try to make you do an MPPT when I'd be forced to read it with you?
Author: ... A valid point. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah! Get this, so the story will be about Tom turning into an anthropomorphic-pony and-
Pinkie Pie: JUST KIDDING!
(Doors lock shut)
Author: Damn it!
Rarity: Pinkie Pie, you realize that you'll be stuck reading with us, right?
Pinkie Pie: Are you kidding? This is fun! I get to hang out with my best friends! And author is here too, but that's okay!
Author: Hey!
Pinkie Pie: I won't read every story, but I couldn't resist with this one!
Twilight: Rainbow Dash, won't YOU let us off easy this time?
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Hey, anything is better then "Sweet Apple Massacre"! You should consider yourselves lucky I haven't made you read "Rainbow Factory"! Today we've got a nice, cheesy grimdark called "Not My Destiny". Twilight-
Twilight: Why are these stories always about me?!
Rainbow Dash: - Gains powers worthy of a Mary Sue, and goes crazy, because I guess that's what happens when you become an alicorn.
(Buzzer rings)
Pinkie Pie: We've got story sign!

---

Not My Destiny

Pinkie Pie: The original title was “Someone Else’s Destiny”!

by Smayds

Author: Sounds like a brand of dip.

Chapter 1 - Good Morning, Goddess

Rarity: “Please be quiet… I had a bottle of Chimay last night and my head is pounding…

Groan.
]Twilight wasn't a morning pony - never had been, as a matter of fact. But on this particular day, she probably wouldn't be an afternoon pony either.

Twilight: On REALLY bad days, I’m also not a night pony!
Pinkie Pie: One time, a day was so bad she disappeared from existence for a WEEK!

Maybe an evening pony? What a night.

Author: “I don’t know what was in that drink, but at least some pony gave me some free Smartees."

Tossing and turning for hours, she just couldn't get comfortable no matter how she contorted herself.

Rarity: However, she did discover that she was double jointed.

Some point after she'd finally dropped off,

Pinkie Pie: Look out for that cliff!

she must have got all twisted. Her body was full of cramps. Maybe she'd finally have to take Rarity up on her regular offers to visit the spa.
Sure could do with a massage right about now. My back...

Author: Great, this is going to be a story about Twilight’s visit to the chiropractor, isn’t it?

She was far, far to sore to fall back to sleep. She was sure her joints actually creaked as she flopped out of her bed,

Rarity: A little oil and she’ll be good as new!

hooves hitting the wooden floor of her bedroom with soft thuds. She arched her back in

Author: A fashion similar to Roman architecture.

an effort to work the worst of the kinks out.

Twilight: She was careful to keep the best kinks to herself.

OW! OW OW OW OW OW!

Pinkie Pie: Hey! That’s my reaction to reading this story!

Okay, enough stretching. Stretching could wait until after breakfast.
Breakfast. Oh my. Breakfast.

Rarity: I’m getting the feeling that she really wants breakfast.

She was so hungry. She couldn't ever remember feeling this hungry before.

Twilight: Except for last night before dinner. And before lunch after that…

She wobbled over to the nightstand, feeling around with her magic for her hairbrush.

Author: Does your brain get different sensations based on the object the… uh… magic is touching?

I'll just get this hair out of my eyes, then breakfast. Breakfast!

Pinkie Pie: “And then stretching! But first breakfast!”

The hairbrush cracked, the sound like a whip.

Twilight: That’s what happens when you feel too hard with your magic.

Her head jerked up, hair flying out of her eyes.

Rarity: Eyes that can shoot hair? Brilliant!

She was holding the pulverised remains of the carved wooden handle.

Pinkie Pie: What happened to the brush?
Author: That IS the brush.

She'd crushed it. The head dangled sadly in her telekinetic grip.

Twilight: Oh… I feel so bad for this poor brush. He was my favorite character so far.

Whuh... What? How did THAT happen?

All: YOU CRUSHED IT!

So HUNGRY! Augh. Forget my hair. I need breakfast.

Author: You don't need it, you want it.

She glanced at the mirror to see her tremendous bed-head.
Spike's gonna be laughing about this all week, the littl-

Author: Bastard.

The remains of the hairbrush fell to the floor. Her hunger fled.

Pinkie Pie: Run! Before she starts talking about breakfast again!

An icy ball of horror replaced the gnawing pains in the pit of her stomach.

Author: She was keeping that ice ball in the freezer all winter, just so she could whip it out for an occasion like this.

Her eyes had opened so wide, her eyelids stung.

Rarity: A… curious choice of description.

The pony staring back at her from the glass looked aghast,

Twilight: “My mane can’t be THAT bad!”

the mouth agape, the colour draining rapidly from its lavender face.

Author: Better call a plumber and get that leak fixed right up.

Above the terrified eyes, sticking out of the rumpled mess of indigo mane, a horn protruded.

Pinkie Pie: Oh no! Twilight’s never had a horn before!

It was half as long again as Twilight's horn, its tip needle-sharp. The spiral fluting glistened like mother-of-pearl,

Author: … I think Smayd’s just proved I’m really stupid, because my reaction to the last sentence was; “What?”

and small motes of light were winking

Rarity: What flirts!

in and out all around it.
The pony in the mirror moved its eyes, just as Twilight did. Left, then right, the pinprick pupils shifted, as Twilight gazed at the ruffled feathers sticking every which way out of this strange and terrifying pony's wings.

Twilight: At first I thought this was a mirror I was staring into, but obviously that’s another pony! I mean, turn into an alicorn? That's just silly!
Rarity: Oh, um… Indeed.

Twilight's heart stopped for a few beats.

Author: CLEAR!
Pinkie Pie: Bzzt!

She didn't notice. She wasn't breathing.

Author: We’re losing her! Crank up the voltage, and… CLEAR!
Pinkie Pie: Bzzt!

She didn't notice this either. For nearly a full minute she gaped at the shocking

Author: Damn it, don’t you die on me! One more time!

reflection, the trembling in her chest spreading throughout her entire body

Author: Wait! Hold on, I think she’s…

until her hooves rattled quietly against the floor.

Author: She’s alive! Good job team, cupcakes are on me!

Then, suddenly, she tore her eyes away from the mirror, whirled around, and stared at her messy bed. Full of lavender feathers.

Twilight: “I knew that griffon at the bar was being a little TOO nice!”

She started to pass out.

Rarity: But then she changed her mind.

Her knees hit the floor, blackness crept into the edges of her vision, huge rolling waves of nausea pulsed through her. Her heart beat so fast and hard that it

Pinkie Pie: EXPLODED!
Author: The end.

ached, the blood pumping through her ears sounded as loud as a train.

Author: All aboard for the Cardiovascular Express!

She started breathing again, great, wracking gasps of air that burned through her throat and chest.

Twilight: Who knew air was so acidic?

"Spike..." she choked out.

Rarity: Did she just cough up a Spike?

Come on, Twilight, get a grip. Just breathe. Breathe. That's it. Nice, deep, even breaths. Don't think. Just breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Author: Yeah, breathe. Just, breathe, faster and faster and OH CELESTIA I NEED TO BREATHE, WHY CAN”T I BREATHE!?

"Spike," she whispered.
Breathe, damnit! Slow, steady, calming breaths. Good. That's it. One more, deep, hold it in, aaaaaaand...
"SPIIIIIIIIIIIKE!" she yelled. "SPIKE SPIKE SPIKE SPIKE SPIIIIIIIIIIIKE!"

Twilight: As you can see, I’m very efficient saying things with only one breath.

The rushing sound that was filling her ears

Author: Was the water from the dam, which just gave, engulfing Ponyville.
Pinkie Pie: The end!

muffled the patter of quick feet running up the passage. She staggered to her hooves in a daze, lurched sideways, and fell out of her bed-loft with a shriek,

Rarity: What is she, a bird?

collapsing in a heap on her main bedroom floor.

Twilight: Luckily the heap broke her fall.

The door opened. "Twilight? What's wrong? Twilight? Twilight!

Author: TWILIGHT!

Did you fall? Are you hurt? Why are you covered in... feathers..."

Pinkie Pie: “Twilight! What did I tell you about accepting drinks from griffons?!”

Twilight opened her eyes. Her vision was blurry, but she could make out Spike holding up a wing, near the tip. His eyes were dilating,

Author: “Want a joint?”

then they rolled back into his head. Spike toppled gently over onto his back with a soft thump.

Pinkie Pie: CRASH!

This was far, far too much to deal with for one morning.

Twilight: This required at least three mornings!

Twilight felt her grip on reality finally snap, and as her head hit the wooden bedroom floor, she joined the little dragon in blissful unconsciousness.

Author: Holy crap, STOP FALLING OVER. I swear, this is like the end of every chapter of Eragon...

---

Rarity: That’ it? We’re done?
Twilight: Seems an odd way to end the story, but hey, I’m not going to complain.
Pinkie Pie: No, sillies! That was just the first chapter!
Twilight, Rarity, and Author: Just the first chapter?
Author: Sweet Celestia, I'm going into shock...
Pinkie Pie: Yeah! Dashie is getting the next one ready!
Author: Great. Well, might as well discuss the story so far.
Rarity: Well, first she really wanted breakfast.
Twilight: Then she started gasping a lot.
Pinkie Pie: Oh! Then Spike came along!
Rarity: From what I've read, I get the impression that he was gasping a lot too.
Twilight: You forgot the large amounts of passing out.
Rarity: Ah, yes. Sorry.
Author: So let me sum it all up; Twilight wakes up, wants breakfast, and then starts gasping and passing out. This story has a strong start, to say the least.
Pinkie Pie: I can't wait for the musical adaptation!
(Buzzer rings)
All: We've got story sign!

---

Not My Destiny

Rarity: Deja-vu.

by Smayds

Author: Brand mayonnaise.

Chapter 2 - Surprise!

All: Ahh!
Pinkie Pie: I did not see that coming!

"Should we send for the Princess? I really think we should. This is, well, quite unusual."

Author: It’s not everyday a Mary Sue is born.

"Unusual? It's crazy! Unicorns aren't supposed to have wings! Not proper pegasus wings anyway!

Twilight: “They’re supposed to have wings cobbled together from old tin cans!

Those butterfly wings were bad enough!"
"Rainbow Dash, I have apologised over and over for my deplorable display at the competition, and thanked you countless times for saving my life! Why must you keep bringing those awful events up?!"

Rarity: Just in case you readers didn’t catch that, Rarity and Rainbow Dash are now in the conversation.

"Quit yer hollerin', you two, she's comin' round. The last thing she's gonna need is an argument right now."

Author: Applejack too.

Three anxious faces swam out of the blackness, fuzzy and indistinct at first, then colours and detail came flooding in. Twilight jerked upright with a start, panting a little. Rarity, Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Three of her best friends.

Pinkie Pie: I didn’t know that!

"Oh, GIRLS!" Twilight gasped.

Twilight: “I’m glad you’re HERE! Make yourselves at HOME.

The three ponies jumped a little, then uttered surprised exclamations as Twilight launched herself up off her couch and caught all three of them into a bone-shattering hug.

Rarity: Hugged to death. What a way to go.

"Hey now, sugar-cube, you don't wanna be throwin' yerself around like that. Yer' unwell, is what you are, an' we're here to make sure you're okay." Applejack's familiar drawl made Twilight start sobbing.

Author: I’d sob if I heard that attempt at a southern accent, too.

"Y-you're here! I... I w-wanted my friends!

Twilight: “But all I got was you three!”

I was d-dreaming about all of you! N-nightmares! I couldn't f-find you and I needed you and... How did... Did Spike get you?"

Pinkie Pie: “After he was done being unconscious, that is.”

The other three gently started extricating themselves, and each other, from Twilight's shaking grip.
"Calm down, Twilight, we're here for you," said the purple-maned unicorn

Rarity: Sweetie Belle?

that was gently pushing Twilight back down onto the couch. "Spike ran straight to the Boutique to tell me, I ran here while he went to get the others...

Author: The “Twilight turned into an Alicorn” emergency plan went off without a hitch!

Ah, darling, I must confess I was quite taken aback. I lifted you down here, straightened out and folded your... new additions,

Pinkie Pie: Mane extensions?

and got you settled in on your couch."
"Then he ran inter me as I wuz gettin' ma stand set up fer the day," Applejack said. "He ran off ter get Dash, and I ran here."

Author: Applejack sounds ghetto.

"He yelled 'til I woke up," Rainbow Dash

Author: Called the bluff and…

put in,

]Author: A hundred bits.

"and I raced to Fluttershy's. Then we got Pinkie on the way back, and we, um..."

Rarity: “Sorry, I forgot the rest.”

"Spike's upstairs in bed, he's had a terrible shock, poor thing.

Pinkie Pie: That’s what he gets for sticking a fork in the outlet!

And Fluttershy had to go back and check on her animals,

Twilight: Animals are more important than me.

she should be right back, and we have no idea where Pinkie Pie disappeared to.

Author: Beyond the fourth wall, where she always goes.

She was here a minute ago," Rarity said. "She's probably planning you a party to celebrate your... um..."

Rarity: “Wingification?”
Twilight: “Alicornication?”
Author: Let’s just say “additions” and be done with it.

"We've all bin' waitin' fer you to open yer eyes. We wuz about to send Dash here to go fetch the doctor, but you woke up an'..."
Applejack gaped as Twilight leaped back off the couch. "Hey now! You need rest! Now just you come back here, Twilight!"

Twilight: “Just you! No one else!”

The three of them raced after Twilight, straight into the library's small kitchen.

Author: They rounded the corner, with Applejack in the lead, and here they are going for the final lap…

Twilight, wings trailing behind her,

Pinkie Pie: “C’mon wings, keep up!”

had made a beeline straight for the fridge. Her head was jammed inside it,

Author: Good thing she was “jammed” in a “fridge”!
Twilight: You’re just as bad as the story…

munching on something.

Author: Don’t you just hate it when people chew on ice cubes?

Applejack stuck her own head in, next to Twilight's. "Hungry, huh, sugarcube?" Twilight didn't answer. Her eyes were closed, and she was gulping down a bunch of droopy carrots.

Pinkie Pie: Those carrots need a pick-me-up!

"Hey, uh, I got fresher carrots'n those out at mah stand. I can go get yeh somethin' if yeh like?"
The sound of the front door closing floated through from the main room of the library.

Twilight: Was the sound pumped full of helium?

Twilight had finished the carrots - stalks and all - and was starting on a couple of turnips, when Fluttershy trotted into the kitchen. "Oh! Twilight, are you okay? You're up. Should you be up? Should you be" - Twilight let out a belch to make Spike proud, and started to attack a lettuce –

Author: The police were shocked today when they found the desecrated remains of a young lettuce.

"um, eating quite so much food?"
Well, she did just have, ya know, a growth spurt," Rainbow Dash pointed out as Applejack backed up. "Happens every moult for a pegasus. You have to regrow all your feathers in a single night, and you're just so far beyond hungry the next morning that you can go a little crazy if there isn't enough food in the house."

Author: Is this canon? Because I'd like to see a story where Princess Celestia forgot to go shopping and eats every pony.
Pinkie Pie: "Starvestia"!

"Really? I don't get so hungry after a moult, Dashie."
"Well, no offense, Fluttershy, pal, but you don't really burn through the energy I do. Could be metabolism?"

Rarity: Fluttershy, darling, I think she just insulted you!

"Oh! Yes, I'm sure that's what it must be," Fluttershy nodded.
"Whatta you think, Fluttershy?" Applejack asked, continuing the conversation that herself, Rarity and Rainbow Dash had been having before Twilight came around.

Twilight: She’s continuing the previous conversation with a pony that wasn’t in the conversation.

"They ain't no pegasus wings. They can't be. Twilight's a unicorn!"

Twilight: Acceptance is the first step to solving any problem.

She shook her head in protest. "Ponies don't just go an' grow themselves a set a' wings overnight. It's gotta be a spell."
"They ARE pegasus wings, Applejack! I would know! I'M a pegasus!" Dash pointed out, quite unnecessarily, from near the ceiling.

Rarity: So she was unnecessarily near the ceiling?

"Well, they can't be alicorn wings," Fluttershy offered. "I mean, the only alicorns are the Princesses."

Pinkie Pie: “And all the Mary Sue’s running about, but no one cares about them!”

"Ah, Twilight, darling, you're... you're not a princess, are you?" Rarity asked, a little timidly.

Author: If she was, there’d be a ball-gown naturally growing from her coat.

"They're not pegasus wings," Twilight said as she withdrew her head from her now-empty refrigerator and nudged the door closed with a back hoof.

Rarity: Question? What’s the difference between pegasus and alicorn wings?
Twilight: Oh, well, you see, one’s feathered and the other… No, wait, one allows you to fly and the other… Huh.

She licked her lips. "I'm not a pegasus. I can't possibly have pegasus wings.

Pinkie Pie: Tell that to Smayds!

And if it was a spell, I didn't cast it. As far as I know, there's no spell that can grow feathered wings on a pony.

Author: “Butterfly wings? Completely different.”

And they absolutely positively just can not be alicorn wings, because there's no way that I could be an alicorn." A worried frown crossed her eyes,

Twilight: Her eyes frowned? Neat trick.

and she glanced up quickly at her horn.
Don't think about that. Don't think about that.

Author: “Doh! I lost the game!”

"Twilight, they are definitely pegasus wings. Look!" Rainbow Dash plopped to the floor and stretched her own wings up and out.

Pinkie Pie: “I can make snow-angels even when there’s no snow!”

"Can you do that? We'll see what they look like when you hold them up!"

Rarity: “Wing holding-up competition at sun down! Be there!”

Twilight looked back over her shoulder at her wings. They were hanging limply down at her sides. She tried to move them. Nothing happened.

Author: Riveting.

"Nope," she said. She tried again. They twitched, and Twilight gasped. "I felt something! It's like..."

Twilight: “The greatest sense of disappointment I’ve ever known!”

she concentrated, grunting slightly. Slowly, very slowly, they started to rise. "Aha! I've got to use muscles I didn't have until this morning! I think... "

Author: “Therefore I am.”

The feathers seemed to be straightening out of their own accord. There was a brief, slow flutter, and then the wings folded neatly against her sides.

Rarity: Good! I just can’t stand it when things are just lying on the floor and no pony bothers to fold them!

"Okay. Okay. Step one. Stay with me, girls.

Twilight: “Step two I’ll need a roll of tape, two dozen pounds of rocks, and a miniature model of Sugarcube Corner. Move it!”

Keep my mind off how I got them for the moment, alright? I'll start going crazy if

Pinkie Pie: “The author of the story is writing a gore fic!”

I... Just keep me talking, okay?" There were nods of agreement.
"Sure, we can do that. Can you raise 'em up so they look like this?" Dash asked, giving her own upraised pair a small shake.

Author: The wings wanted a large chocolate shake, but they were running low at Dairy Queen.

"Let's find out," Twilight replied. Her wings flapped open. "Oh! They sure can move once you know how! Okay. Upright. Let's see..." Twilight's wings arched up until they mirrored Rainbow's pose. "Like this?"

Rarity: “Totally wrong, try again!”

Rainbow Dash's own wings wilted. Her jaw dropped open to mirror the looks on Fluttershy's, Rarity's and Applejack's faces.

Pinkie Pie: There’s a lot of mirroring in this story!
Twilight: Careful not to break this fic, or you’ll get seven years of bad luck.

"What?" said Twilight. "What's the matter?"

Rarity: “Do these wings make me look fat?”

"They're not pegasus wings," Dash whispered.

Author: They’re toucan wings!

"Of course they're not pegasus wings! I'm not a pegasus!"
"Oh my..." Fluttershy squeaked.
"They look like..." Rarity was even whiter than usual. "They look like..."

Pinkie Pie: “Nah, we’re just messin’ with you! They’re pegasus wings!

"Princess Celestia's wings,"

Rarity: “What have we told you about stealing other pony’s wings and sewing them onto your back?

Applejack breathed.

Twilight: That’s good to note.

The wings in question hit the kitchen floor with an audible "flooooomph."

Author: I thought it sounded more like a “poomph”, but that’s just me.

The five best friends stared at each other in utter silence. After a very long moment, Rarity broke it.

Pinkie Pie: “Whoops! I hope that wasn’t expensive!”

"Your horn," she whispered. "Twilight, your horn. It's bigger. And far too sharp to be a unicorn horn..."

Twilight: “That is, unless you fell asleep on a grindstone.”

Twilight had started shaking again. Rarity took a step forwards to comfort her, when an explosion of confetti, streamers, and balloons seemed to erupt out of nowhere,

Author: Take shelter! I knew the Russians would be invading someday, but the party equipment caught me off guard!

accompanied by a cacophony of sound that hammered off the walls of the tiny kitchen like particularly cheerful thunder.

Rarity: Pinkie Pie better be paying for all that damage!

"SUR-PRIIIIISE! IT'S YOUR CONGRATULATIONS-ON-GETTING-YOUR-NEW-WINGS PARTY!"

Author: Better than my “Congratulations-On-Turning-Into-a-Freak-of-Nature” party.

shrilled Pinkie Pie, shoving a party hat over Twilight's horn and grinning, quite literally,

Twilight: And impossibly.

from ear to ear.
The party hat burst into flames, and Twilight hit the floor, screwing up her eyes, curling her legs and wings tightly into a ball, and starting to shudder violently.

Pinkie Pie: My parties can do that to a pony sometimes.

---

Author: So does this count as a passing-out-ending? Because if it is, I think we've figured out how the author is going to naturally create chapter breaks.
Twilight: She was only shuddering, so it doesn't count.
Pinkie Pie: WELL?! Isn't this FUN?!
Rarity: Define "fun".
Author: Not fun?
Twilight: Torturous?
Pinkie Pie: You know what fun means!
Twilight: I'm curious how you'd throw a Congratulations-On-Getting-Your-Wings-Party. How would you decorate?
Rarity: I'd think you'd just tape wings on to everything in reach.
Author: And then there'd be fans set up throughout the room, so it's kind of like the wind in your hair while you're flying.
Pinkie Pie: And everyone would be in the air!
Author: ... Okay, that'd be cool. Not sure how it would work, but at least the ideas are flowing.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We've got break sign!
Pinkie Pie: Be back soon!

Author: Okay, so where were we?
Rarity: Twilight passed out.
Pinkie Pie: Again.
Twilight: Well, it was really only shuddering.
Author: Eh, close enough.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We got story sign!

Not My Destiny

Rarity: If it isn’t my destiny, then why am I here?!

by Smayds

Author: Brand hotdogs.

Chapter 3 - Much More Magical

Twilight: Not My Destiny, made with thirty percent more magic.

They had her back out on the couch, still curled up, but not shaking any more. The five mortal ponies in the room cast worried glances at each other,

Rarity: The realization of how mortal one is does tend to cause such sentiments.

and at their potentially newly-immortal friend.

Author: She has to apply before becoming recognized as truly immortal.

Everypony felt uneasy about something they couldn't quite put their hooves on.

Pinkie Pie: That sun, brony. I DON’T TRUST THAT SUN!

Predictably, it was Pinkie Pie who brought up the elephant in the room, in the way that only Pinkie Pie could.

Rarity: With a party?
Twilight: A poorly placed fourth wall joke?
Author: With subtlety, right?

"Okay, we'll just have to hold off on the party until later, that's all. So tell me! Is Twilight really an alicorn?! Huh? Huh? Is she? Is she gonna help Celestia and Luna

Twilight: What would I be put in charge of raising? Or would I raise the moon and the sun part-time?

rule Equestria from the castle in Cante-"
Everypony gasped.

Rarity: Including Pinkie, who was just going along with the crowd.

Twilight gave a shudder, but then lay still again.
"Oh no," Pinkie said in a very small, very sad voice.

Pinkie Pie: “Hey! Let me out of this voice! It’s cramped in here!”

"We'll never see her again!" Rarity wailed. "Of all the things that could happen!"

Rarity: “This is THE. WORST. POSSIBLE THING!”

"Now hold on a minute!" Dash said, with heat in her voice.

Author: “YOL TOOR SHUL!”

"Twilight lives HERE. In PONYVILLE. Sure, she grew up in Canterlot, but this is her HOME."

Twilight: “Don’t you UNDERSTAND? I’m putting EMPHASIS on certain words so you’ll get the POINT.”

"We ain't lettin' her go without a fight," Applejack almost growled.

Pinkie Pie: “To arms, bronies!”
Author: “Tonight we dine in hell!”

"The Princesses can't just come and take her away! I won't let them!" Fluttershy shouted, then immediately squeaked and tried to hide behind Spike.
"Why would Celestia want to take Twilight away from Ponyville?" Spike asked. "Like Rainbow Dash said, this is her home now. Where her friends are."
"Spike!" Rarity said. "You woke up? How do you feel?"

Author: “My ass hurts for some reason. What about you?”
The Other Three: ...
Author: What? Too mean?

"Fine, now," Spike grumped. He didn't sound fine.

Pinkie Pie: I don’t think any pony who just “grumped” sounds fine!

"I just had a shock, you know? And I did run pretty hard to get you ponies here. I am just a baby dragon."
"Spike, do you know anything about what's happened to Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked.

Author: “It’s simple. Twilight Sparkle has been taken to a place where all things are possible. She’s now in… The Twilight Zone.”

"Not a clue. They're definitely alicorn wings. They got a certain feel to the feathers.

Twilight: “Notice the leathery feel, and the slight smell of almonds.”

Right after I touched them this morning, I think I had a bit of a meltdown. I mean, come on! Twilight's gotta be an alicorn! Explains why her magic's so powerful, huh?" Spike offered.

Rarity: “I mean, it’s not like she could be that powerful naturally! Um… Twilight, what’s with the angry glare?”

"Anyway, when I came round again, Twilight was out cold herself, so I sprinted for help."

Author: “I set a new record for the “Help, My Friend’s an Alicorn” dash.”

"D-d-d-d..." Twilight murmered. Her eyes fluttered open.

Pinkie Pie: C’mon! Just say Daddy!

"Twi'?" Applejack asked, deep concern in every feature of her expression.

Rarity: Except her eyes. There was pure hatred in her eyes.

"Spike... D-definitely alicorn wings?"
Spike looked anxious. "Feel like alicorn feathers to me, Twilight." He rubbed his wrist with his other hand.
"Don't let it get you down, Twilight! We're all here for you and we'll help you and we won't let the Princesses touch one hair of your mane!" Pinkie Pie said with uncharacteristic

Author: Run-on sentences.
Pinkie Pie: Actually, that's in character!

seriousness as Twilight started to shake again. "Speaking of which, you really should brush it out. I almost can't see your pointy new horn!" Pinkie giggled, then poked a hoof at the tip.

Pinkie Pie: “OW! It’s sharp!”

BANG.

Author: “Everyone down! This is a hold-up! I’ve got a magic horn and I’m not afraid to use it!”

Wailing in pain and shock, Pinkie flew violently through the air

Pinkie Pie: I’m an alicorn now too!

and smashed into a bookcase. Everypony else shouted in surprise. Twilight leaped from the couch and moved with surprising speed

All: Ahh!
Rarity: I was surprised!

towards the smoldering pink heap that had slid down the wall to the floor.
"PINKIE!!!"

Twilight: “How dare you mess up my books!”

They all crowded around Twilight. She was shoving books off Pinkie and turning her over, rubbing her face. "Pinkie! Pinkie!"

Author: “I know this is a bad time, but could you help me look for a book I need?”

Fluttershy bent an ear to Pinkie Pie's slightly-smoking chest. "She's breathing. Her heart's beating. Oh my goodness!"
"Owie-owie-ow!" Pinkie said, shaking her head. "Oooh!"

Rarity: I think she’s in pain.

"Pinkie! You're alright!" Twilight gasped. "Are you hurt? Anything broken? Should we get you to the hospital?"

Author: On this episode of Ponyville General Hospital…

Pinkie sat up, now shaking her head violently.

Pinkie Pie: “Get back! I have a head, and I’m not afraid to use it!”

"I think I'm okay. Wowie, Twilight, what was that? That hurt! My Pinkie Sense sure didn't see that one coming!"

Author: Badum-Tish.

She looked at her hoof. There was a small black burn-mark right where she'd touched Twilight's horn. "Oochie! Lucky that's on my hoofsie! That coulda really hurt otherwise!"

Twilight: Imagine if she tried butt-stomping her.

"The party hat!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed. "Twilight, you didn't make it catch fire on purpose, did you?"
"What? On fire?" Twilight asked with a confused expression.

Rarity: Her wit is fast as a whip.
Twilight: Why’s Rainbow Dash so smart in this story?

"I put a party hat right over your horn and it went up in flames! I thought you were just adding a really nice touch to the decorations, but then you went and curled up," Pinkie explained.
"Wait, wait. This morning... I went to brush my hair..." Twilight said quietly.

Author: Oh no, she’s going to recap the entire story from the start!

She ignited her horn and telekinetically poked the bronze pony-head bust sitting on the centre table. It rocked back and forth. "Feels the same as ever," she said. She picked it up.
Her aura was still deep red.

Rarity: That’s what happens when you mix different auras in the wash!

She glanced up and saw the same colour surrounding her horn... But it was definitely brighter than it had ever been. Sharper. And those little motes of light...
The bust groaned.

Pinkie Pie: “Ugh… Put me down, you stupid pony!”

They all looked at it.

Twilight: “What? I don’t have a zit or something, do I?"

With a deep, metallic crunching sound, the hollow bust collapsed in on itself.

Author: She created a black hole in the bust!

Shrieks all around.

Author: My treat!

I've never been that... strong before!
Twilight swayed on the spot as the realisation threatened to overwhelm her.

Author: Luckily she had a can of mace on her, and sprayed the realization in the face.

I've never been anywhere near that powerful...
"Twilight, dear, is it correct to assume that you... did not mean to do that?" Rarity asked.
"Rarity! I've seen you levitate dozens of things at the same time! You're really good at telekinesis! Could you have... squashed this bust?" Twilight asked, waving the still-groaning piece of metal in front of her.

Pinkie Pie: “Stop that! First you collapse me, and now I’m gonna be air sick!”

"Twilight! Please! I can lift dozens of things like ribbons and fabric and needles and thread and scissors at once, and I could cheerfully lift that bust,

Rarity: “But I’d only be able to crush it begrudgingly!”

but I couldn't have CRUSHED it! It took all the effort I had to levitate you downstairs this morning!"
I'm TOO strong.

Twilight: “It’s my curse, being better than every other pony! Woe is me!”

"I couldn't have crushed it yesterday either," Twilight said. "I'd have to use a spell designed to crush it... Not just ordinary levitation.

Author: So… What you used just now wasn’t technically levitation then.

I did the same thing to my hairbrush this morning as well. Telekinesis... Telekinesis. Hmmm." She reached up and tapped the tip of her horn.
"Twilight! No!" shouted the entire room.

Pinkie Pie: The room! It speaks!
Author: I guess you could say it’s a “living room”. (Punched in the face by Twilight.)

Nothing happened. Twilight poked it a few more times. It felt a bit... warm. "It's attached to my forehead, girls. I'm sure it's only if something else comes into contact with it. Looks like I can't control my magic at the moment."

Twilight: Change to a different tense. Maybe that’ll help.

Because you've never had any reason to learn how to control this much magic before.

Pinkie Pie: Okay, who keeps talking in italics? Show yourself!

"Spike! I need 'So How Exactly Do You Control A Floodgate?'

Author: By “Wit A. Switch.”
Rarity: Front cover artwork done by “Let Mii Throo”.

It's around here somewhere!" She grabbed a book off the top shelf with her horn, and it exploded into dust.

Twilight: If I can’t control my magic, how’d I pick it up in the first place?

"Oh! Right. Spike, looks like you'd better, uh, try to find it."

Author: Oh, that Twilight!

"It's over here! Don't grab it!" Spike called, zipping down a ladder and trotting over with a book that was almost as big as he was.
"Floodgates? What in the hay?" Applejack asked.

Rarity: Do you want to know what a floodgate is, or what’s in the hay? Take your pick!

"It's a metaphor. It means how to control the amount of magic you're using. Most unicorns don't need to know how to do that," Twilight said pensively as she turned pages with a hoof, "but I did. And I can't remember how to, uh, throttle it right down.

Author: This is why you should really learn stick shift.

Aha!"
Twilight read voraciously. "I need to keep my mind off certain things at the moment, girls.

Twilight: “And so I’m reading about something that’s metaphorically related to what I’m trying not to think about! Don’t worry, you don’t need to tell me how smart I am.”

If I keep thinking about them, well... I think I'll have another breakdown. And we want to avoid that for the moment. I need to figure out how to really screw my magic down to a trickle,

Author: The mighty kitchen faucet of magic.

and then I think we're all going to go and pay Celestia a visit."
"What?!" from two or three ponies.

Rarity: You wrote the story, Smayds. You should know how many.

"No way!" from Rainbow Dash.

Twilight: “Thanks for the “No Way!”, Rainbow Dash. It’s what I’ve always wanted!

"She'll make you live in the castle and never see us again and you're our friend and I'll miss you so much and..." Pinkie trailed off.

Pinkie Pie: “I’m sorry, what were we talking?”

Twilight looked up from the page and over to her. Pinkie's face was sadder than Twilight had ever seen it.
"I'm not going anywhere, girls! I need answers! I need them fast.

Author: “Welcome to “Fast Answers”, can I take your order?

And the only pony that can give them to me is Celestia!"

Rarity: “Or Luna! But she’s not really that important”

---

Author: Alright. We made a lot of progress this chapter. And no one passed out. That's a good sign.
Twilight: What progress?
Rarity: Pinkie exploded and all the characters talked about what may or may not happen.
Pinkie Pie: Progress!
Author: True. But we've discovered that she's an alicorn.
Twilight: But we already knew that. We saw that she had both wings and a horn in chapter one.
Rarity: You know. Between all the dropping unconscious moments.
Author: Well, alright. So what did this chapter accomplish?
Pinkie Pie: We got to see things EXPLODE! Is that good enough?!
Author: I guess so. I wasn't expecting an action fic coming in, but hey, whatever works, I guess.
(Buzzer sounds)
All: We've got story sign!

Not My Destiny

Twilight: Just in case you forgot the title, it’s still here!

by Smayds

Author: Brand detergent.

Chapter 4 - Her Majesty

Twilight Sparkle stood on the ground in front of the barn at Sweet Apple Acres. It worked. She'd done it.

Rarity: She’d finally gone outside and gotten some fresh air!

Then she heard the thuds.
Five disheveled ponies were picking themselves up off the ground, while Spike, standing, fought to contain his laughter.

Twilight: He put up a good fight, too.
Author: The ol’ sand in the eyes trick worked like a charm.

Applejack actually looked like she might be sick. "Woah, Nellie," she said, standing on unsteady hooves. "Mah stomach must still be back at the library!"

Rarity: We’re here today to mourn the passing of Applejack, who died from internal bleeding.

"I didn't like that," Fluttershy said in a very small voice. "Oh, I really didn't like that."
"Really? I LOVED IT!" Dash exclaimed, doing a backflip. "Twilight, that felt like I was going about a million miles an hour!"

Author: “The cops didn’t even spot us!”

"Right, so I can levitate things safely. At last." She stifled a small sigh, thinking about her ruined furniture. "And I can teleport. And I can teleport really far. And I can teleport lots of other ponies with me,"

Twilight: Alternative sentence; “And I can teleport really far with lots of ponies with me.” Saves about ten words or so.

Twilight finished. "I don't think I'm too much of a danger to be out and about any more. Just one more test!"

Rarity: “Keep in mind, this test counts as thirty percent of your final grade.”

Fluttershy opened her mouth to say something - and then promptly fell over on the wooden floor of the library.

Author: “Mom! The connections between Fluttershy’s brain and her nervous system are all messed up again!”

"Wait, Twilight, I think I'll just... walk back. Oh."
Everypony else had arrived standing, this time. Applejack still looked a bit sick. Dash was in the air when they had left the farm, and hadn't actually re-landed yet. Pinkie Pie was crosseyed.

Pinkie Pie: That wasn’t because of the teleport. I’m just usually like that.

"Oooh, Twilight! That really is the funniest feeling!" Her eyes slid back into focus. "What next?" Pinkie, in particular, had been having the most fun out of all of them. A true party pony at heart, having hundreds of magical spells and tricks being tested around her was like letting a foal loose in a candy store.

Author: Yeah, if the candy was all laced with drugs.

Or even, like letting Pinkie herself loose in a candy store.
"Like I said, just one more test. I need to see just...

Rarity: Dramatic pause.

how far my magic can go." She trotted up the winding staircase to the highest balcony, and magicked open the doors.

Twilight: Is it really too much to just use the handle?
Author: :Ladies and gentleman, I believe we have a new verb in our midst.

Nice to be able to do that again without turning the doors into splinters.
Her friends emerged onto the balcony behind her, some, like Pinkie and Rainbow Dash, looking eager and excited. Applejack looked wary. Fluttershy looked downright terrified.

Author: The readers were looking at their clocks to see how much time they wasted reading this.

Pinkie bounced over to her and gave her an enormous hug. The terror in Fluttershy's eyes seemed to get worse.

Rarity: I suppose Pinkie Pie can be quite frightening at times.

"Now don't you worry, Fluttershy! We're doing this to help Twilight! Our best friend!

Twilight: “In case you forgot!”

She's so scared about what's happened to her that if she even thinks about it, for just ONE MEASLY SECOND, she goes all scaredy-shakey and squeezes herself into a ball! So let's just keep helping to distract her!"

Pinkie Pie: Exposition for everypony!

Thanks a bunch, Pinkie. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts...
"Right. So. You know that, before Celestia and Luna, Unicorn ponies raised the sun and moon every day. And it would take hundreds and hundreds of them working together to do it?"

Author: “The pegasi tried helping too. It was fine when they tried moving the moon, but moving the sun ended up being very messy…”

"We were all in that holiday pageant, Twilight," Rarity offered. "You think you..." What she was saying hit her.

Rarity: “OW! See if I ever say you again!”

"You're going to try to move the SUN?! What if something goes wrong?!"

Twilight: “Oh, c’mon. I’m just fiddling with the sun. What could POSSIBLY happen?”

"I'm not going to try to move the sun. I'm going to try to touch it."
"Oh, no no no!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Twilight, you'll burn yourself!"

Pinkie Pie: “I don’t think we’re going to have enough burn ointment if that happens!”

"Touch it TELEKINETICALLY, Pinkie." Pinkie's blank expressions were never the same twice. "Like, with my MAGIC."
"Ohhhhhhhhh. Okie-dokie!" she grinned, then bounced up to the railing to watch the show.

Author: She wouldn’t miss an episode of “Guiding Light” for anything!

"Are you shure, Twi? I mean, ya really wanna go pokin' the sun with yer mind, like?"
"Why not, Applejack?

Twilight: Because you have absolutely no clue what you’re doing?

Celestia does it every day. And ordinary unicorns used to do it once. But a single unicorn can't possibly reach the sun on their own."

Author: I get it! To be close enough to the sun to move it, all the unicorns would stand on each other’s backs!

"Biggest test possible, huh? Well it IS you, sugarcube." All the same, Applejack still stepped back a pace or two.

Pinkie Pie: Which was it? Make up your mind, Smayds!

"Right." Twilight looked directly into the sun. The automatic reaction to squint... wasn't there?

Rarity: Don’t ask us.

I'm staring directly into the afternoon sun with my eyes wide open and I can see it perfectly and quickly before I lose my nerve...

Author: “Normally it pisses me off so much I have to look away.”

Igniting her horn, Twilight reached out.
And out.
It's SO far away!
...Oh.
Well, that feels... creepy.

Pinkie Pie: “The sun feels like a peeled grape!”

She knew that the thing she was touching with her magic was impossibly remote, impossibly hot, and impossibly... enormous. She could feel how to grab it, how to fling it around the sky, how easy it would be to...

Twilight: “Burn every pony alive, ha-ha-ha! Oh, sorry, wrong genre.”

Better not. Want to get Celestia's attention, not the attention of all of Equestria. This is the creepiest thing I've ever done.

Author: “Well, not as creepy as that one time involving the age-reversal spell and Spike…”

"Now that is CREEPY," said Rainbow Dash.
"How do you know what it feels like?" Twilight asked in alarm,

Rarity: “I was turned into an alicorn the other week. Kind of boring, actually.”

looking around. "Dash... Why are you so small?"
"Uh, no, I mean you, Twilight..."
She was looking down at all of her friends. She glanced down at the balcony. Still standing on it. So she hadn't started floating, or anything like that.
"Twilight, you're... so big! A-and your mane!" squeaked Fluttershy, clearly terrified.

Twilight: If you just look at Fluttershy you know she’s terrified.

A wisp of indigo smoke drifted over one of Twilight's eyes.
"Oh my, darling! You look... You look amazing!" Rarity cried. "You look like Princess Celestia!"

Pinkie Pie: True, but now she’s probably going to have the irresistible urge to troll.

Twilight craned her neck around and looked at her tail. Behind two enormous upraised wings, a tight, toned waist and shimmering flanks,

Author: Hey, you! Want a nice toned waist and shimmering flanks? Sign up for a membership at “Alicorn Gym” today!

a sparkling sheen of violet hues that seemed to waft there instead of hair. And she was looking at her tail down a...
...a long lavender muzzle...
Twilight released her hold on the sun in shock. The world seemed to get bigger - all of her friends shot up in height.

Author: Oh crap! She has the power to trigger puberty!

The wood under her hooves got closer. Unruly purple hair flumped down over her right eye.

Pinkie Pie: This hair doesn’t play by the rules!

Well, this is sure starting to add up to that thing that I don't want to think about because if I think about it then I start shaking and... Stop it. Stop it. Calm. Cool. Collected.
“Okay," Twilight said, turning to face her friends. The looks on their faces were almost as creepy as the feeling of holding the sun with her mind. "I know what I'm going to do. Somehow, something to do with... with whatever happened to me last night, something's letting me seem to cope with crisis.

Rarity: Darling, it’s not working too well.

And I'm getting better and better at it every time I start to get all... Well. You know I've never been very good at that before," she admitted, somewhat sheepishly.

Twilight: Good at what? Identifying what’s creepy?
Rarity: Providing narrative in italics?
Author: Pretending to be Ant Man?

"Sugarcube, when everythin's goin' peachy, yer jus' peachy yerself.

Author: If live gives you lemons, then blow it up with magic.

But we ALL know that when our good friend Twilight starts gettin' all flustered-like, we all gotta step up to the plate,"

Rarity: I think in this case they’re all swinging and missing.

Applejack said firmly. "Same as you'd do fer any'o us."

Twilight: “No I wouldn’t- I mean. Yes. Yes I would.”

“Yes, I know, I know, and I think having you here with me today is what's making me cope! I... I'm terrified." Twilight looked at her front hooves. "I really do think that I'm an alicorn. There's no doubt, really. Not any more. Not after...

Pinkie Pie: “I read the plot summary of the story.”

after that..." She looked up at her friends, couldn't hold their gaze.

Author: It was too slippery.

"I think that I'm going to have to go and help rule Equestria," she told the floor.

Rarity: “That’s nice, but when are you going to get around to sweeping me?”

Pinkie Pie let out a sob. Twilight looked up. The bubbly pink earth pony had sat down, legs akimbo,

Twilight: The usage of that word just caused me to become incredibly depressed.

and was openly weeping. "N-n-nuh-not going to let that happen."
Oh, Pinkie...

Author: “Just try and stop me, puny mortal!”

Twilight walked to her happiest, saddest friend and pulled her into a hug.

Twilight: “Get in the hug, damn it!”

Then more tears came, from Twilight, from Applejack and Rarity holding each other and bawling, soft sobs from Fluttershy, choked whimpers from Rainbow Dash who'd grabbed hold of Twilight and Pinkie, then they were all holding each other, sobbing, shaking.

Rarity: This tree-library is getting a very good watering.

Muffled words and bits of phrases came through the sobs to Twilight's ears.
"Yer not g-goin'."
"We, we love y-y-you, T-t-t-t..."

Author: “Hey, mail pony here, I’ve got a package to deliver, and I need someone to sign- Oh, bad time?”

"I CAN'T LOSE A FRIEND! I CAN'T! I CAAAAAN'T!"
Everypony was so surprised, they stopped crying. As the others backed up, Twilight lifted a choking, gasping Pinkie Pie off the floor

Pinkie Pie: CPR! STAT!

where she had just thrown herself, and into another hug.
What is this?

Author: I don’t even-

Twilight knew that Pinkie was pretty insecure about herself, and the outer veneer of joy and happiness was paper-thin.

Pinkie Pie: I am?

She valued her friends more than anything, because... Because...
Because she didn't have friends as a filly either. Just like me. And now she does, and she's... She's scared to death that she'll lose them...

Pinkie Pie: “Oh, Twilight, my only friend!”
Rarity: “What about us?”
Pinkie Pie: “Shut up, Rarity!”

Well. Maybe now I can do something about that.
Twilight looked into Pinkie's swimming eyes.

Author: They won three gold medals at the Olympics a few years back.

Pinkie must have seen something on Twilight's face, because she stopped sobbing and sat back, gazing at her.

Twilight: “Twilight. Hold very still. There’s a black widow right on your face.”

As the tears dripped off the end of Pinkie's muzzle, Twilight spoke, first to Pinkie, then looking around at the rest of her very best friends.
"But if I really am a princess, then I can do pretty much what I like, right? And if that means that what I want to do is to stay RIGHT HERE" - she stomped a hoof on each syllable –

Author: So it sounded like this; "But (stomp) if (stomp) I (stomp) real(stomp)ly (stomp) am (stomp) a (stomp) prin(stomp)cess(stomp), then (stomp) I (stomp) can (stomp) do (stomp) pre(stomp)tty (stomp) much (stomp) what (stomp) I (stomp) like (stomp), right (stomp)? And (stomp) if (stomp) that (stomp) means (stomp) that (stomp) what (stomp) I (stomp) want (stomp) to (stomp) do (stomp) is (stomp) to (stomp) stay (stomp) RIGHT (stomp) HERE (stomp)".

"then that's what I'm going to do. Even if it means telling Celestia that... that she can take her lessons and rules and everything else and just shove them! Because I am NOT leaving my friends!"

Twilight: There! Conflict solved! Is the story over?

The joy on Pinkie Pie's face told her that she'd made the right decision, whatever were to come from it.

Rarity: That’s just how you should judge your decision, based on Pinkie Pie’s reaction.
________________________________________
"Now, are ya sure? Ah mean, REALLY sure about this?" a very flustered Applejack was saying.
"Really, really sure. I've been practicing, haven't I?

Author: “If by practicing, you mean sitting in front of the TV all day and eating hay chips, then yes.”

Nothing bad happened when we went to your farm, did it?"

Pinkie Pie: “Well, all the trees DID start square dancing…”

"'Ceptin' we all fell over. Now that's all fine an' dandy, sugarcube, but Canterlot is one heck of a lot further away than Sweet Apple Acres!"
"It's not the distance. I could only teleport a hundred feet or so before. Now I could... I could probably teleport to the moon." Twilight shook off the feelings that last thought gave her.

Twilight: The feeling of asphyxiation?

"Ah'm not sayin' Ah won't do it. I'd do anythin' fer you, Twilight, you know Ah will. But is burstin' in on the princess really such a good idea?"

Rarity: Randomly breaking into the residing monarch’s bedroom? What could go wrong?

"Probably not. But this is pretty serious."
"It's an awesome idea, Twilight! I mean, she won't really be angry at us, right?" Dash asked. Twilight could tell that she was much more worried about this trip than her demeanour showed.

Pinkie Pie: Hey Rainbow Dash! Your demeanor’s showing!

"No idea. Only way to do it, though.

Rarity: Couldn’t they just knock and ask to come in?

So, are we ready?"
"Oh my goodness, no!" Rarity trilled, trotting forward with a hairbrush. "We're going to see the princess! And your mane looks like an absolute disaster area!"

Author: We’re talking radiation and everything!

"Hey, nothing touching my horn, remember!"
"But Twilight!" Pinkie sang out,

Author: Broadway presents, “Pinkie Sings!”.

bouncing right up to her. "You can turn it off now, right?"

Twilight: That’s what the on/off button is for.

"Yeah, I guess so. But nopony touch it. I'll try to turn it all-the-way off, then somepony tap it with something,"

Author: I’d tap that. (Smacked by Rarity.)

Twilight said, gesturing around at the various torn cushion covers and smashed wood from her earlier experiments with lifting the furniture. She concentrated.
Wow, this is hard.

Author: That’s what she- (Tackled to the ground by the three other ponies)

"Anything?" she asked, eyes screwed shut.

Pinkie Pie: Her ears were nailed shut.

She felt something tap the tip of her horn.
"Well, I'm not smacking into any more bookcases!" Pinkie giggled.

Rarity: She didn’t need Twilight’s help to be doing that anyway.
Pinkie Pie: Hey!

Twilight opened her eyes and saw a grinning Pinkie Pie

All: Ahh!
Author: Scary!

with a hooftip to her horn. "Pinkie!" Twilight gasped, stepping back from her quickly. The million little pinpricks of light reignited and danced around her horn.

Author: It was the most magnificent mamba any pony had ever seen.

"Well, those little sparkly things all went out, so I figured, why not!" Pinkie picked the hairbrush up in her mouth.
"Oh, really, dear, you should let me..." Rarity trailed off as Pinkie started to brush the crazy tangles out of Twilight's mane.

Rarity: And into the nearest psych ward.

"PINKIE!" Twilight yelled, quickly closing her eyes and concentrating. The little motes of light winked out. "Tell me when you're finished. This is really hard!"

Twilight: “I mean, yeah I can move the sun at will, but THIS?”

"Mmmkie-dmmkie-lmmkie!" Pinkie mumbled cheerfully around the hairbrush.

Rarity: What was that?
Author: Something about otter frocks.

Okay. I think I can hold it.

Twilight: “Whoops! Nevermind…”

"Spike?"
"Twilight?"

Twilight: “I need you to clean up the Pinkie Pie that’s now decorating the walls.

"Take a letter."
"With pleasure!" Spike whipped out a quill and scroll.

Author: Where does he keep those?

Dear Princess Celestia,
I must speak with both yourself and Princess Luna urgently.
My friends and I will be in your chambers in thirty seconds.

Rarity: Starting now or when Princess Celestia finishes reading?

]Your very, very worried student,

Pinkie Pie: “Who’s VERY worried…”

Twilight Sparkle.

Author: P.S. Could you order some pizza, cause none of us have had dinner yet.

Pinkie stepped back to admire her handiwork, just as a burst of green fire and smoke slipped out of one of the many smashed windows. "There! Now you don't look so frizzy-wizzy-headed!"

Rarity: But frizzt-wizzy-headed is in this year!

"Well, that should get her attention." Rarity sounded skeptical.
"But Twilight's mane looks just the same as always! Why would that attract attention?" Pinkie was the very picture of bewilderment.

Twilight: She turned into a photo! The horror!

"The letter, dear."
"Oh! Silly me!"

Author: Oh, that silly Pinkie Pie!

"Rarity, I don't have a choice!" Twilight's mane looked like it was about to snap back into scrunchy tangles of its own volition. "I'm going slowly crazy here, in fact I don't really know why I haven't completely snapped a hundred times today,

Rarity: Because that would be interesting to read?

I have to concentrate like mad to stop magic leaking out of me, I have wings - WINGS! - and I need answers before I completely lose it. Ready?"

All: No.

Everypony looked worried.
"Ready?"

All: We guess so…

"We're ready, Twilight. We'll do whatever we have to do," Fluttershy said. "Even that... teleport thing again." She closed her eyes and shook with terror.

Twilight: The inside of one’s eyelids ARE quite frightening.
Rarity: Maybe she’s scared of the dark.

"Yeah! We'll back you up!" Rainbow Dash vowed.
"Anything for a friend, dear," Rarity managed to say without a waver in her voice.

Rarity: She better be careful if there's no warranty then.

"Let's do this, Twi," Applejack said,

Author: “LEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY...”

a look of determination spreading across her face.
Pinkie Pie just nodded. There was more determination on her round pink face than Twilight could ever have believed her capable of.

Twilight: Okay, where’s the real Pinkie Pie, and who’s this replacement?
Pinkie Pie: I’m here, silly! Scootaloo’s my stand in!

"Alright," Twilight breathed,

Author: That’s good to note.

"just a little bit... That's about right... Now focus, Celestia's big chamber,

Author: In the highest room of the…

tallest tower..."
Glowing red energy, shot through with winking motes of light, appeared around the six ponies and one dragon.

Twilight: Unfortunately these were six ponies and one dragon from the next town over.
________________________________________
The scroll arrived in a burst of green fire. Celestia looked up in surprise,

Pinkie Pie: “A letter!? THAT’S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!”

snagging it out of the air with her magic.
"...Urgently... thirty seconds... worried? Twilight!"

Rarity: “Spike needs to work on his penmanship, I can only make out those five words!”

She walked to the door of her private chambers, pushed it open with her magic,

Author: Use the knob, you lazy bastard.

and poked her head through, her multicoloured pastel mane floating through after her. "Guards," she called to the two pegasi in ornamental armour

Author: It had Christmas ornaments, garland, and tinsel attached!

outside the door, "Is Twilight Sparkle in the castle?"
"Not that I know of, your Highness," one answered.
"I know not, your Highness," chorused the other.

Twilight: “We’re not really guards. We’re just here for decoation.”

Celestia frowned. "Very well. If she or her friends arrive, see them in at once. Please send for my sister, I wish to speak with her in my chambers."
"Yes, your Highness," this time in unison.

Pinkie Pie: They practiced all day for that!

One pegasus lifted off and streaked down the corridor, to deliver the summons to Luna.
Closing the door, Celestia was just about to reach for a scroll to send a letter back through Spike, when, with a blinding flash of deep red light,

Twilight: As opposed to shallow red light.

six ponies and one baby dragon exploded into being in the centre of the large round room.

Author: AMC presents, “The Son of the Big Bang”.

"Twilight Sparkle!" said Celestia, shocked. "You teleported here from Ponyville? With your friends? Nopony is that powerful!"

Rarity: “Well, except me, but I don’t want to brag! Say, want to see my trophy wall?”

The others were all down on bended knee, looking at their own front hooves. Twilight and Spike remained standing.

Author: Spike don’t kneel for no bitch!

"Princess," Twilight began.
"Not to mention, teleporting into a chamber protected by ancient magic against just such an intrusion!"

Author: You should get the warranty checked on that magic.

A look of beaming admiration was spreading across her face. "My most wonderful, talented student! Once again, you prove my faith in you in the most unexpected -"
Twilight unfolded her wings and raised them above her head.

Twilight: “Teacher? I have a question.”

Celestia sat down on her haunches so fast, it happened in a blur. "Oh, my," the princess whispered.

All: What did you say?

It must be the day for it. Very slowly, Celestia's beautiful magenta eyes rolled straight back into her head, and she toppled to the side.

Pinkie Pie: Twilight gets a promotion now!

Pandemonium. Twilight reached her first, Fluttershy close on her hooves.

Author: So much for the “fastest flier in all of Equestria”.

"Princess! Princess Celestia! I think she fainted!" Twilight gasped.

Rarity: “For air, since all that running was a lot of work."
Author: I knew it! SOMEONE had to pass out eventually!

"We should get some guards, or..."

Twilight: “Just sneak out quietly.”

The chamber doors opened, and a midnight-blue alicorn trotted into the room, an irritated look on her face as if she wanted to complain about something.

Author: “Celestia! Stop sending me pony porn in my email!”

The look evaporated as she caught sight of her sister,

Twilight: The look then proceeded to sublimate, condense, then rain back down onto Equestria providing nourishment to plant life.

lying awkwardly on the stone floor, surrounded by unfamiliar ponies.

Author: "Sister, you aren't in the middle of one of those clop-fics again, are you?"

The seconds stretched by. Rainbow Dash coughed. Princess Luna blinked at Twilight's wings.

Rarity: “So… Read any good books lately?”

As Twilight felt her body smash through the thick stone wall of the tower,

Pinkie Pie: That was clumsy!

the entire chamber exploded in a deafening concussion of deepest midnight.

Author: So… She was angry?
Twilight: She's not the only one...

---

Rarity: I couldn't tell, did Twilight pass out from the impact of smashing through a wall?
Twilight: From the looks of it, she's an alicorn now, so the only time she's going to pass out is if she sees her unicorn pupil grow wings.
Pinkie Pie: So, in other words, whenever she sees the plot of a dark-fic unfold?
Author: Basically.
Twilight: Come to think of it, this hasn't been too dark.
Rarity: That's because we're so used to reading the likes of Sweet Apple Acres and Rainbow Factory.
Author: This is Sesame Street in comparison.
Twilight: So far.
Pinkie Pie: Shhh! You can't talk about Rainbow Factory!
Rarity: Why not?
Pinkie Pie: Because! In the perspective of MPPT3K's continuity, that hasn't happened yet! We're still on chapter six, and that's like... chapter fifteen, or something!
Author: All of those assembled who care?
Pinkie Pie: Me!
Author: All those who don't?
Rarity, Twilight, and Author: Us!
(Buzzer sounds)
All: We've got break sign!

Rarity: Alright, so Twilight just got hurled through a wall. I suppose that was pretty exciting.
Twilight: A little bit.
Pinkie Pie: Oh! Don't forget how Celestia passed out!
Author: Ah, yes. Let's see if that motif continues in these next two chapters.
Twilight: It took four chapters explaining that Twilight was most likely an alicorn to get to this point. They didn't actually CONFIRM it. They just suggested it's extremely likely.
Pinkie Pie: Twilight should have just saved time and read the story description!
Author: I don't think-
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We've got story sign!

---

Not My Destiny

Rarity: I'm sorry to break this to you...

by Smayds

Author: Brand insecticide.

Chapter 5: Lunacy
(Alternate Title: My Little Expositionary Chapter)

Pinkie Pie: Hey!
Author: We're the ones that are supposed to be making fun of the story!

Falling.
Twisting.
Screaming.
Huge chunks of stone all around her, battering her, smashing her.

Twilight: "Mom! The stones are picking on me again!"

The most violent wind she had ever felt, tearing at every inch of her body.

Author: I guess that means her "feet" were safe! (Punched in the mouth by Rarity.)

I'm dead... I must be dead... I can't even feel the pain.

Hooves. Cool, strong hooves. Around her waist.

I really am dead.

Twilight: The cool strong hooves gave it away.

The stones had fallen away to thunder down the mountainside. The wind wasn't screaming in her ears any more,

Rarity: "That darn wind is always yelling at me to do something!"

but something had replaced it. Something with a voice.

"TWILIGHT SPARKLE! NO! NO! PLEASE! NO! NOOOOOO!"

Pinkie Pie: I think I prefer having the wind scream at me.

Hot tears were splashing onto her face.

Author: "AHH! THEY BURN!"

I'm not dead?

She opened her eyes.

Princess Luna was holding Twilight in a tight embrace, sparkling silver tears leaking freely from between the lids of her own tightly-closed eyes.

Author: "So, you know how I threw you though a wall? Sorry 'bout that. You wanna get some nachos, or something?"

They were floating close to the tallest castle tower, jerking higher and higher with every beat of Luna's enormous midnight-blue wings.

"I'm sorry, don't move, I'm s-sorry, please don't be dead, I hurt you, please don't try to move..."

Author: "I can't help it! The music is flowing through me!"

"P-princess?"

A gasp. Twilight felt the grip around her slacken.

Pinkie Pie: "Whoops! I dropped Twilight!"

"You're conscious? You should be dead!"

Rarity: "The nerve of some ponies, refusing to die properly..."

Wait until you see my next trick...

Twilight: "I'll make a horribly contrived story disappear!"
All: ...
Rarity: It didn't work.

A flash of blazing red. Luna released Twilight in shock - and Twilight dropped lightly back onto the floor of Celestia's private chamber.

Luna fell out of the air and hit the floor herself.

Twilight: Great, she passed out mid-flight...

She had been teleported. By somepony else. She was gaping at Twilight as her sister's first and only student galloped across to where Celestia was getting back to her hooves, surrounded by those other ponies... It took Luna a moment to realise that they weren't strangers at all.

Pinkie Pie: "Aren't you the ponies that come in and move the furniture?"

In an instant, Luna was by her older sister's side. "Big Sister! You're alright! I was... I thought... Twilight Sparkle! I thought I'd killed her! But she's..."

Rarity: "Turned into an alicorn,much to every readers' chagrin."

Celestia was shaking her head slowly.

Twilight: "No, no, no, this story won't do at all!"

She opened her eyes and looked at Luna.

"Why is there a hole in the wall, Little Sister?"

Author: Don't you remember? You were selected as contestants for that one game show.

"I... I don't know why, Big Sister. My magic... It leaped out of control."

Pinkie Pie: That's why you should always have a leash, silly!

Celestia closed her eyes and drew a very slow, deep breath.

Rarity: Did she use crayon or marker?

Twilight, standing with her friends, could never remember the princess ever looking so much as slightly flustered. But for this single instant, she really did look thousands of years old.

Author: My brain fizzled as it tried to create that mental image.

"Did you use magic on Twilight Sparkle, Little Sister?"

Luna nodded. "I came into the chamber and saw you on the floor. I simply couldn't believe it. I went to push the other ponies away from you with my horn so I could get to you, but..." Luna looked worried. "Something happened with my spell. It latched onto Twilight Sparkle and... and a surge of power unlike anything I've ever felt before... unbidden. My spell darkened the whole chamber,

Rarity: Or maybe the guards were fiddling with the lights again?

and then she just... She flew at the wall with enough force to smash right through it! As if I'd thrown her with all of the strength I could muster! And... she doesn't even have a scratch."

Twilight: It's a wall, not a cat.

Luna hung her head. "I thought I'd harmed a pony. I thought... Dear Starshine, I actually thought I had killed a pony."

Author: Okay, who's Starshine?

One lone silver tear dripped from Luna's cheek to the floor as Celestia nuzzled her little sister.

Pinkie Pie: If she kept crying silver, Equestria would be rich!

Celestia looked around at the others in the room. Everypony seemed perfectly fine, though the looks of worry and shock on their faces were unsettling. Twilight herself didn't have a feather out of place,

Rarity: Except for feather number 289 on the left wing.

but was wearing a look that demanded answers. And Celestia was going to give her those answers... Whatever the price.

Author: That'll be $3.28, with 72 cents as your change.

"Little Sister, my faithful subjects, my dear Twilight," Celestia began. "I have just undergone the greatest shock that I have received in all of my long life.

Twilight: "Including that time involving the bean-dip and Caramel."

I know what has happened to Twilight, though I never thought it would happen at all, to anypony. And certainly not to one that I know so well, and care so much for. If you would like to please sit down, we have quite a lot to discuss."

Pinkie Pie: "You're pregnant!"
Author: "And Bakura's the father!"

"Us too? Ah, heh, I mean, us too, your Highness?" asked Rarity.

"Of course. You are all her very best friends, and she will need all of your friendship if she is to survive."

"Survive?!" Pinkie Pie shrieked.

Pinkie Pie: "I don't want her to do THAT!"

Twilight looked around at all of her friends. Their expressions were ashen.

Author: It seems some ponies were playing with the flamethrower again.

"Please, please. Let us all sit. Guards," Celestia added, opening the door with her magic.

Rarity: "Arrest them."

The two pegasus guardsmen were cowering in fear against the opposite wall. "Oh! Please, you have nothing to worry about. A small spell mishap. Everypony is fine." They stood up shakily and bowed low. "As you see," Celestia said, gesturing with a gold-shod hoof, "Part of my wall is now at the bottom of the mountain.

Twilight: Don't you just hate it when that happens?

Please, send a team of strong pegasus movers to clean up and recover the stones. And you may leave your post. We do not need any... guarding for the moment."

"Y-y-y-y-yes, y-y-your H-h-h-h-h..." The guards stammered as they fairly rocketed down the corridor and out of earshot.

Author: Fairly rocketed? As opposed to cheating down the hallway?

Celestia closed the door again and walked to the circle of cushions by her fireplace. The others followed, Luna taking a cushion next to her sister, Twilight sitting in the cushion Celestia indicated, directly facing her. Spike sat down next to Twilight.

"So," Celestia began. "Firstly, I must congratulate you. The first new alicorn that the world has seen for six thousand years."

Luna's head snapped around so fast that the wind of its passage was audible. "WHAT?" she thundered.

Rarity: "I COULDN'T QUITE HEAR YOU!"

"Little Sister, think about what you see before you. You know there is no possible magic to give a pony feathered wings.

Pinkie Pie: "Butterfly wings? Completely different!

Of the three kindred, feathered flight belongs only to the pegasi."

"I... I suppose I really should have studied more lore, Big Sister." Luna turned her head forwards again. "Twilight Sparkle. Do you mind?"

Twilight: "I need to borrow a book on lore.

"Uh, Princess Luna, I... huh?"

Luna stood up and stepped towards Twilight. "Hold out your wings."

Author: This isn't some weird fetish now, is it?

Twilight gingerly opened her wings. Luna took a quick, sharp breath, and then sat back down, hard. "Alicorn feathers." A few non-alicorn feathers had been ejected from her cushion.

Rarity: Well. I'm glad that cleared everything up.

"I don't see any difference!"

Everypony looked at Rainbow Dash. "What?! I don't! They look just like pegasus feathers, which look just like bird feathers, which look just like any other kind of feather!

Twilight: "Not My Destiny": Where logic goes to die.

Yeah, sure, when she puts 'em up like this" - she arched her own wings high above her back - "they look just like the Princesses' wings. But they're just feathers!"

"They don't look like pegasus feathers to me," Rarity said quietly.

Rarity: "They look like cookies glued together. But I also had something to drink earlier, so don't mind me."

"Very succinct," Celestia said to the suddenly awkward-looking unicorn. "Tell me, what do you see?"

Author: (Singing) One of these things is not like the others...

"Well, I, uh, where to begin? They do look like just any other feather when she has them folded up," Rarity explained. "But when she puts those lovely wings into the air, they just... Oh my. They just... shimmer! They glow! And they're... they're moving, like in a breeze that isn't there!"

Pinkie Pie: Rarity took a class on Wing Fundamentals last year.

"No they're not! They're completely ordinary feathers!" Dash protested.

Author: She had picket signs and everything.

Celestia chuckled. "I wonder who else can see one of the glories of Twilight's beautiful plumage?" Nopony offered, and Twilight re-folded her wings. "Alright then. What makes Miss Rarity different from the rest of you?"

Twilight: She isn't racist?

"She's got a really good eye for fashion?" Fluttershy offered, as Rarity blushed furiously at being called "Miss" by the princess.

Rarity: I dare not even THINK of how I'll react if she refers to me as madam!
Author: Yes, perish the thought...

Suddenly, Fluttershy squeaked with the realisation that she'd spoken aloud, and immediately tried to do her very best impression of being completely invisible.

Pinkie Pie: t was pretty good, too!
Twilight: She managed to become translucent.

"She's afraid a' gettin' her hooves dirty?" That earned Applejack a truly magnificent scowl.

Author: I give the scowl a nine out of ten. Excellent execution.

"Oh! I know! She's the most beauti-" Spike sat back down and started pointedly looking away from everypony. His little scaly face was nearly as red as Rarity's had been.

"Not even close, my little ponies. And my little dragon." Celestia smiled at Spike. "Think about it," she prodded.

Author: "OW!"

Silence. Then, finally, rolling her eyes, Pinkie Pie let out an exasperated sigh. "Oh, come ON, girls! It's OBVIOUS! She can do MAGIC! DUH!"

"Absolutely correct, Miss Pinkie.

Rarity: Did Pinkie Pie blush?

Magic is as magic does, as they say. You must have known magic in order to see magic's traces.

Author: Likewise, it takes a knowledge of stupidity to see stupidity's traces.

Tell me, Twilight. What do you see?"

Twilight looked back at her new feathered appendages. "They're just feathers."

"Open them."

Twilight: She had her eyes closed.

Twilight stretched her left wing out and forward, holding it out in front of her face. "Oh. Ohhh... They almost look like they're made out of crystal, or... or, I don't know. Frozen smoke? I've never seen anything like them before. They don't look like your feathers, Princess. They look, like, ordinary I guess, until they're stretched out. Then they don't look like normal feathers."

Author: So let me get this straight; we have established that Twilight's wings are, indeed, not normal.
Rarity: And we spent the last dozen paragraphs or so proving that fact.
Twilight: Does that mean we can PLEASE get on with the story?

She folded her wing back against her side, a frown creasing her forehead.

Rainbow Dash grumbled quietly over that particular use of "ordinary" and "normal".

Pinkie Pie: She hadn't gotten a degree in English for nothing!

"Do they look like these?" Luna offered. Her magnificent plumage swept a high, graceful arc, as Celestia's followed suit.

Twilight reeled her jaw back in.

Twilight: She caught a huge mouth!

"...Oh. Yeah. Um, yeah. Wow. Your wings... never looked like that before," she said.

"You've never been able to see them properly before," Celestia said.

Author: And Rarity could?

"It wasn't your wings that made my heart stop, Twilight Sparkle. It was

Rarity: My cholesterol levels.

your feathers. Alicorn feathers. They look unique, to an eye that can see them. The thought that you were an alicorn was the most profound shock I have ever received. Not in many thousands of years have I ever... Well. Passed out."

Pinkie Pie: The last time was when I walked in on Luna when she was having an affair with a sock. We don't talk about that.

"There's been a lot of that today," Twilight said.

All: NO KIDDING!

"It nearly gave me a heart attack, seeing you fall. I mean, princess, you're... you're, well, you're you!"

Celestia smiled. "Luna and myself may have ruled Equestria for thousands of years," she began with a glance at her frowning sister, "but that does not make us infallable. Far, far from it. I have made mistakes, as has Luna. I regret my mistakes bitterly.

Pinkie Pie: "ESPECIALLY that one time with the earthquake."

You must learn to cope with such bitterness, Twilight. You will have to hold it within yourself forever, and not let it destroy you from within."

Rarity: "No pressure."

Luna nodded. "Twilight Sparkle, this is the gravest thing that I will ever say. Alicorns must, MUST contain their emotions. You must learn to deal with them. I could not do so, and a thousand years ago, I paid the price for my... my weakness.

Author: Jail-time. A life sentence.

Do not, ever, allow yourself to be consumed by hate, greed, anger, vengeance, or fear. Or jealousy," she added, looking down at the floor.

Twilight: That floor knows EXACTLY what she's talking about.

"I... I'll try. I'll really try. I mean, we don't want another..." Twilight hesitated. "Another Night Mare Moon."

Luna blinked sadly. "No. Not ever."

Author: "... But you've gotta admit, the whole permanent night thing was kind of funny."

Celestia sighed. "And yet, this is what I fear will happen."

A few gasps, and then silence.

Pinkie Pie: "Line?"

Twilight found herself on her hooves. "Hey! We're not just going to sit by and watch me be consumed by some evil negative emotion!

Twilight: "We'll stand!"

We're going to do every single thing that could possibly be done to prevent anything like Night Mare Moon from ever happening again! Right?!"

Celestia looked ancient beyond count of years for a heartbeat. She looked at Twilight for a long moment, then said "Well, we'll certainly do everything we can to prevent that. Please. We're getting ahead of ourselves."

Rarity: "Let's start with banishing you to the moon and see where we go from there."

She shifted on her cushion. "Twilight, apart from your new feathered limbs, what else have you noticed that has changed about yourself?"

Twilight considered. "Lots of things. My magic. My... I don't know,

Twilight: That truly was a lot of things.

my personality? I seem to be able to keep my head better.

Pinkie Pie: "Before it was just rolling all over the place!

I, uh, wasn't very good at that at all, was I?" A sheepish grin.

"Although it was thoroughly embarassing for them at the time, the citizens of Ponyville will be laughing about that incident with the doll for years to come," Celestia said,

Rarity: And the readers will be crying as they think back to this story for years to come.

with more than her usual measure of amusement playing about her lips. "Keeping calm in a crisis. A very central part of being an alicorn. Good. What of your magic?"

"My magic is a lot stronger. I don't know how strong, exactly.

Author: 30 Kilowatts?

I had trouble controlling it, at first. Pinkie almost got badly burned when she touched my horn.

Pinkie Pie: And I was kind of flung into a wall. But that wasn't important!

But I read the section in 'So How Exactly Do You Control A Floodgate?' about how to throttle everything right down to zero, and I worked up from there.

Twilight: "It turns out there's a little floodgate in everyone's head, and you just need to let the little pony workers inside to shut off the magic.

I practiced levitating my furniture... I, ah, um. Oh yeah. Heh heh, I might need an advance on next month's stipend for the repairs..." Celestia giggled.

Pinkie Pie: "We don't pay you, silly!"

"Anyway. I teleported my friends here with practically no effort at all. And I... I reached out and touched the sun today. I didn't move it, but I think I could."

Celestia tilted her head towards the small pile of rubble surmounted by a gaping hole. "Why don't you try now?"

Rarity: "Just give me a moment to flee to my shelter."

"Really?" Twilight was flabbergasted.

Author: Every story needs to use that word once.

"Of course. See what you can do."

Twilight stood up. "It'll be surprising. I, uh... I don't look the same when I do it."

Celestia and Luna looked at each other for a moment. Finally, Celestia said, "I think we would very much like to see that."

All: We wouldn't.

Twilight trotted towards the hole in the wall, the other ponies following, staring at the slowly lowering sun.

It is SO WEIRD to look straight at the sun and not have to squint. Alright. You asked for it, Princesses.

Pinkie Pie: "Alright, sun! Staring match, GO!"

A finger of magic exploded out of her horn and streaked off

Twilight: A magic finger exploded out of my horn. I'm scared.

to the unimaginably far-away ball of white-hot energy. She grabbed it. Tested its weight.

Author: Two times ten to the thirtieth kilograms.

Man, that is SO creepy. How can something so heavy be so LIGHT?

Rarity: Is this a trick question?

Rolling her eyes at the unintentional pun, she pushed it below the horizon, extinguishing the day.

Twilight: An alternative method is with a giant fire extinguisher.

No more effort than raising an eyebrow.

How strange to see a night sky so completely devoid of stars.

Rarity: How strange! It's almost similar to the rare event known as a cloudy night!

She pulled it back to where it should be at this time of day.

Well, I hope that didn't creep too many ponies out.

Twilight: "Five is an exceptable number."

And then, the tall, slender

Author: Mane.

, graceful lavender alicorn turned around to face her audience.

Her friends were beaming at her. Spike, who hadn't witnessed her earlier transformation, had his mouth open in a perfect "O",

Author: Let's see what the judges say.
Twilight: I give it a ten.
Rarity: Ten.
Pinkie Pie: SUPER ten!
Author: You heard it, folks, the mouth gets a perfect thirty.

his rapt eyes shining with tears.

"Twilight," he breathed.

Rarity: That's good to note.

"That's amazing."

Twilight barely noticed. Her attention was focused almost entirely on the two other immortal beings in the room.

Pinkie Pie: Which ones?

Celestia and Luna were blazing orbs of sunlight and moonlight. Twilight released her grasp on the heavenly body, and their normal forms reappeared. They looked... impressed.

"I've got a question," Twilight said.

I'm being so bold. That sounded like I just snapped at them. Am I more assertive now too?

Author: Damn it, Twilight, the only thing you said was that you had a question! Just chill!

"Go ahead." Celestia bowed her beautiful head.

Twilight: Um... Thanks for letting us know she has a nice head.

"What did I look like to you?"

"You looked as we look," Luna replied.

Rarity: "Very round and fat."

"Once you grow, you will be a truly beautiful alicorn, Twilight Sparkle."

"Oh," Twilight replied. "It's just, you looked like the full moon. And Princess Celestia looked like the noonday sun."

Author: Oh, I WONDER WHY?!

Realisation seemed to dawn on the two princesses. Without a word, both alicorn sisters began to glow faintly. Twilight guessed that they were both using their most powerful magic, reaching for the sun and the moon.

It must change your awareness. Magic is as magic does, I guess...

Author: "Run, Twilight, run!"

In unison, Celestia and Luna gasped. They stopped glowing and stared at Twilight.

"Well," Celestia began, "that clears that up."

Luna just looked shocked. "That clears WHAT up, Big Sister?"

Twilight: "A fungal infection I've had. Some divine light always does the trick."

"What did you see?" Twilight asked.

"Please, everypony, sit down. Now I know that my fears are not misguided. I will explain as best I can."

Pinkie Pie: "Allow to inform you that YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE! Thank you."

"Wait, what did you see, princess?" Twilight sat down next to Spike again, confusion on her face.

"We'll come to that in a moment," Celestia said, with uncharacteristic brusqueness.

Rarity: Isn't that nice. The story is pointing out when ponies are going out of character.

"I fear for you, Twilight Sparkle. I fear for the future of my land, I fear for my beloved subjects. I fear for my sister. And I fear... I fear for myself."

Author: Bloody narcissist.

Luna's stare at her sister could have shattered solid rock.

Pinkie Pie: It's a good thing the Princess isn't made of rocks, right?

"You know something here that I do not." It was not a question.

Twilight: That's why the period's there and not a question mark.

Celestia looked out the large hole in her wall at the early evening sun, hanging just above the horizon, right where Twilight had left it.

Rarity: It was a few millimeters off.

After a moment, she stood up. "Please excuse me. I will be right back."

Pinkie Pie: "I have to go to the little alicorn's room."
Author: I guess she 's off to sit on her "throne" then! (Smacked by Rarity.)

Trotting over to the doors, she opened one, went through, and closed it behind her.

Twilight shifted uncomfortably. Luna was giving her a very odd look. It was half-sympathetic, half-fearful.

Luna is... afraid of me?

Author: It's a bird! It's a plane! No it's... SUPER SUE! Managing to be superior to everyone else with ease!

"So, Twi'," Applejack began, then coughed. She tried again.

Twilight: The first cough was unsuccessful.

"Twi', you alright? Really alright? 'Scuse me, Princess, but I ain't had a chance ta talk to ma friend since she went fer that little tumble."

Rarity: So you haven't talked in, what? Ten minutes? I think you'll live.

"I'm fine, Applejack. Perfectly fine. Princess Luna, what did you see?"

"Please, Twilight Sparkle. I cannot answer that. Not yet. As soon as Celestia returns, we may be able to... ah, address that issue."

Nopony spoke. Twilight glared at Luna.

Pinkie Pie: "Staring contest! GO!

"I want to know."

Author: "I want an Oompa-Loompa noooooooooooooooooow!"

Luna didn't answer.

"I said -"

"I heard what you said, Twilight Sparkle." Luna's voice was trembling. Twilight's friends had all gasped at her affrontery.

Rarity: Wait, Twilight's being a prick, and everypony is shocked by LUNA?
Author: Uh oh! Looks like the logic train has flown right off the rails!

"I cannot give you the answer to your question. Please! We must wait for my sister! I do not truly know what the vision means!"

Twilight: Luna isn't being very helpful.

"Oh... Oh, I'm so sorry," Twilight said. She felt terrible.

Pinkie Pie: That peace of pumpkin pie was not sitting well with her!

She got up, walked over to Luna's sitting form, and bowed. "I'm sorry for speaking to you like that, your Highness. I, uh..." Twilight stood up again. "I really don't know what has gotten into me!"

Rarity: Bad writing?

Did I just talk to a princess like that?!

Twilight: Uh... Yeah. How dare you apologize. You monster.

Luna smiled. "You do not need to refer to me by title, Twilight Sparkle.

Author: Call me Ishmael.

And please, do not bow. Such things are beneath you. You, too, are royalty now."

Twilight shook her head. "No thanks, Princess. I'm not royalty. To tell you the truth, that's really why I'm here. My friends and I came to tell Celestia that I want to stay in Ponyville, and just keep on leading my perfectly normal life. I'm a perfectly normal pony and that's how I want it to stay. Perfectly normal."

Rarity: "Completely normal, except for being able to move the sun."

Amidst nods of agreement and encouragement from her friends, Twilight sat back down on her cushion and nodded proudly at herself.

Author: That'll do, Twi. That'll do.

"I admire your spirit, Twilight Sparkle. If this is what you wish, then I shall see that it is done. My sister will agree, I am sure."

"Really?!" Twilight had bounded back onto all four hooves. "Oh, Princess! That's all I want! Thank you!" She bounded forward and gave an astonished Luna a hug.

Pinkie Pie: Oh no! All this was leading up to a Twi/Luna shipping!
Author: Stealth shipping, my old foe, we meet again!

"That's what we all want!" put in Pinkie Pie. "We're not gonna lose our friend just because she's all -"

The door opened, and Princess Celestia strode in, a grimy, crusty box floating in her wake.

Author: I think the expiration date for those Fruit Loops is long gone.

There was dirt on her golden shoes. Twilight released a now-blushing Luna and sat back down quickly.

"Little Sister, this was left to me by Mother." Luna gaped. "I know Father may have left certain items to you also. I will never ask you about them."

Twilight: "By the way, what are they?"

Luna had rapidly composed herself. "Of course. The Safeguards are there for a good reason."

Rarity: To keep them safe?

Everypony else in the room just looked bewildered, and a little frightened.

Celestia settled herself back onto her regal cushion and lowered the box to the ground. The top opened, and a very small, impossibly-ancient book

Pinkie Pie: So how old is it?! Five years?! TEN?!

floated out and rested at Celestia's hooves.

Twilight: The poor book. It needs a nap.

Twilight wondered if there had ever been such a profound silence in the entire history of the world.

Author: In 2007, at the national Shh competition, there was a ferocious battle of silence between world champion Fluttershy and newcomer Angel.

"A little family history. Twilight Sparkle, six thousand years ago, with my mortal birth, I became the first alicorn. Three years later, Luna was born, and she, too, had this power."

What?

Rarity: Our reaction exactly.

"You will find this in no history book. Six thousand years is too long to remember, for books at least. Facts become legends, and legends become myths. And myths are scoffed at."

Author: And that's terrible.

Twilight and her friends were barely breathing.

Author: Well, crap. When did GLaDOS start releasing the neuro-toxins?

"Our parents were unicorns. We never knew how, but they could perform the most profound magic. They could see beyond the mortal world, to all the mysteries of the universe. They wrote volumes. They lectured us."

Pinkie Pie: "And we spat spitballs. Good times."

Luna chimed in. "They had guessed that we would be immortal. Indestructable. Ever-lasting. They told us to wait for the founding of Equestria, and to offer our services in raising the sun and moon. We did. We were

Twilight: "Paid $8.00 an hour. It was a part time job, you see."

worshipped as gods." She scoffed. "Perhaps we are gods. I do not know. We shunned such worship and put ourselves into the service of all living things. In time, we became royalty. The descendents of the original founders became royalty alongside us."

Rarity: "Moochers, the whole lot of them."

"Our mother, Starshine, left me this book," Celestia continued. "This foretells of all the things that the universe had told her would come to be." Celestia magicked the grimy box out of the way and bent low.

Author: She went through all that trouble getting the box, and she just gets rid of it!

She touched the tip of her horn to the book.

The book expanded. It was huge, five feet long, two feet wide, and nearly a foot thick.

Author: That's almost as big as a Stephen King novel!

"The last words my mother spoke to me were

Twilight: "Help me! I think I'm about to die!"

" - everypony's mane stood on end as Celestia rumbled something incomprehensible.

Rarity: Rumbled? What is she doing, speaking volcano?

Spike curled into a ball. "A very ancient tongue. What it means is -"

Author: "Eat at Joe's."

"In here you will find the horrors to come. Take heed and avert them, or let them pass untended. The choice will be yours."

Author: "The power is YOURS!"

Every face, except Spike's, was turned toward Twilight. Celestia and Luna looked like they had both just been slapped.

"I understood what you said. And... No, I didn't understand the words. I understood the meaning." Twilight felt her face colouring.

Rarity: Figures. Give a face a box of crayons, and what does it start doing?

"That is exactly what the words meant. I never opened it. I let things happen that I could have prevented, but felt that if this was the way the future must be, I should not interfere. Until... One day I... shall we just say that I have studied this book cover-to-cover for a little short of a thousand years."

Twilight: "It was a light read."

Celestia glanced at her sister. Luna was staring at the book with astonishment.

"You could have... you could have known about... you could have prevented... The Night Mare?"

All: The what?

Luna's voice was fainter than the most insubstantial whisper.

Twilight: But she was louder than the nearly non-existent muttering.

"The past has passed. The future is before us.

Pinkie Pie: "And that present is now a present! Happy birthday!"

I am sorry, Little Sister." A single golden tear tracing down her cheek,

Author: Considering I know of only one other place where gold-colored liquid comes out of the body, I think Celestia should visit her general doctor.

Celestia opened the tome with her horn, flicking to a page about halfway through. "Twilight, can you read this?" The book spun around to face the newest alicorn, and Celestia indicated a short passage in impossibly-small incomprehensible script with a hoof.

Author: The book is written in wingdings.

"Jealousy will allow The Lunacy to claim the younger Eternal Sister. Night will conquer Day, but balance will be restored. A thousand years of sorrow await the bringer of the night, until the friends of the Master of Magic help to redeem her frozen heart to the shepherd of the day." Twilight looked up. "Well, that's kinda explicit. That's about... about my friends and I... bringing Luna back. Back to Celestia." Luna hung her head.

Rarity: Out to dry.

If I'm going to live forever, I'd better learn to deal with my sorrow, too.

Pinkie Pie: Sorrow?! Just think of all the birthday parties you'll have!

"My friends and I are in this book?" Twilight asked, slightly overwhelmed.

Twilight: "Of course! Fluttershy was asked to write the foreword!"

"They are always referred to as 'the friends of the Master of Magic'. And yes, Twilight, you are the Master of Magic herself.

Author: I believe the real Master of Magic is Richard Garfield.

You are all scattered throughout this enormous collection of future history," Celestia finished.

Twilight sat back and allowed her imagination to run riot.

Rarity: The local police were called in to put a stop to things.

Get your head back in the game.

Author: "It's the fourth quarter and I'll be damned if we lose!"

"What's 'The Lunacy'," asked a by-now-thoroughly-confused Rarity.

Twilight: "A plot device."

Luna stood up. Her eyes were closed. She gave a small shiver, opened her eyes, and looked at Rarity.

Rarity: "Sorry, but do you feel a draft in here?"

"The modern term is named after me, Miss Rarity. Lunacy. Moonstruck. The stories of the full moon driving wild creatures mad, and later being applied to ponies that lose their grip on sanity. The original, however, simply means something like 'insanity'. The closest modern word is, indeed, 'lunacy'. There is no reference to me in the ancient word 'sharaheng'."

Pinkie Pie: Well, there's an an A, and an N, so there's half your name right there.

Twilight heard Luna say 'sharaheng', but understood her to be saying 'lunacy'. She stopped breathing as Luna looked straight into her eyes.

Pinkie Pie: Staring contest! GO!

"The Lunacy, Sharaheng Zus, is a spirit of chaos. Not like Discord," she said, as everypony gave a start. "Not external chaos. Internal chaos. We don't know what it is,

All: IT'S INTERNAL CHAOS!
Author: You just said it!

we don't know where it resides when it's not... doing what it does best.

Pinkie Pie: Making pancakes?

But it took me in my jealous rage and it transformed me into The Night Mare. It feeds on the vast stores of emotions that must live within an alicorn forever. Hate, rage, anger... jealousy. It overcomes the will, it..."

Author: "Makes you post silly things on your Twitter!"
Pinkie Pie: "Hey everypony! I'm on the moon again today!"

Luna sat down. "I cannot speak more of this." She looked at Celestia. "I begin to understand, Big Sister. It's in there, isn't it?" She pointed a silver-shod hoof at the enormous book.

Celestia closed her eyes and nodded slowly. Her horn ignited

Twilight: That's what she gets for using gasoline as a horn cleaner.

and the pages began to flip in reverse order, one after another, like a

Author: Boss.

torrent. They stopped at the very first page of the ancient volume. There was only one single line, right in the very centre of the enormous page.

Twilight: Quick! What's its slope?!

"Twilight Sparkle," Celestia said, very quietly, "would you please read the very first line that my mother wrote into this book?" Her eyes were still closed.

Rarity: "I can't read it myself, since I glued my eyes shut by accident."

She's trembling.

Fear. A hot, violent, burning fear, rising up in Twilight's throat. She tried to force it down. She couldn't.

Pinkie Pie: Try a glass of water, that always helps!

Just read it. There's nothing that the princesses can't do. Especially now that I'm here as well. Whatever it is, it's not the end of the world. Calm. Calm.

Her fear subsided just as fast as it had arisen.

Really nice thing, being an alicorn. I can calm down just so easily.

She leaned forward and looked at the very first line of the oldest book in the world,

Author: The second oldest was porn. Go figure.

a line written in a tiny, completely illegible script that she could still understand perfectly.

Rarity: I believe that would make it almost-completely illegible script.

She cleared her throat and read aloud:

"The third Eternal Sister will embrace The Lunacy and destroy the world."

That was it. There was nothing else. There was no "and this will be prevented via steps A, B and C." Just one simple statement.

Twilight: At least Celestia's mom got straight to the point.

Twilight sat back on her haunches and looked around the wide, circular room. Fluttershy looked as if she was about to faint.

Author: As if that's worth noting.

Pinkie Pie was crying. Rainbow Dash had her eyes closed and her hooves over her ears. Rarity seemed to have passed out.

All: GAH!

Applejack looked like someone had just kicked her square in the muzzle. Spike was curled into a ball so tight, it was perfectly spherical.

Author: Spikeus Aran in morph ball form.

Twilight looked towards the princesses. They were both shaking.

Open fear. The princesses - THE PRINCESSES - are both completely terrified. And they're showing it.

Twilight: Remember when we said that Twilight had become the ultimate Mary Sue before?
Rarity: I think the Mary Sue test has just burst into flames.

"What did you see? What did you see when you looked at me?"

Neither sister answered.

Twilight got to her hooves and drew in a very deep breath. "WHAT DID YOU SEE?!"

Rarity: No need to shout!

Both royal alicorns hung their heads in unison. Again, for a fleeting instant, Celestia looked every day of her six thousand years. And for the first time, Twilight noticed, so did Luna.

What is this what is this what is this what is this

Author: A fragmented sentence?

They both looked up. They looked at each other. They looked at Twilight.

Pinkie Pie: They looked for the readers, who'd run off long ago.

Celestia started to speak. No sound came out. Luna spoke for her.

"We saw the world in flames, Twilight Sparkle."

Rarity: I'm sure she means that in the best poosible way.
Author: Chapter break. Let's take a moment to recover.

---

Pinkie Pie: He writer was right! This IS the expositionary chapter!
Twilight: Joy...
Author: So, that was curious. I never knew that Celestia and Luna had a regular, non-immortal mom.
Rarity: I don't think any of us knew that.
Twilight: Hey, Pinkie Pie, any chance we could get Princess Celestia to talk to us over the monitor?
Pinkie Pie: I'll see what I can do! (To the TV) Hey Rainbow!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) I heard her. Let me try putting her on screen...
(TV turns to static for a moment, before screen displays a new image. The riffers can only see Celestia's wings, as she has her back to the screen and seems to be hunched over in front of a computer screen.)
Celestia: (From TV) Let's see... Then, after the chapter with Fluttershy, I'll have Twilight and me have a showdown in a clearing, with Luna and Trixie ready to activate their trap, using Twilight as bait... (Begins typing rapidly) Yes, that's DELICIOUS...
Rarity: Um... Your highness? (Celestia's sits up in surprise, and begins looking frantically around for the origin of the voice. Turning off the computer monitor, she spins around, finally noticing the TV.)
Celestia: (From TV) Oh, uh, Twilight Sparkle! My most prized student! To what do I have the honor of your call?
Twilight: Sorry to bother you, but we were just wondering about your, um, your origins, you see.
Author: We were reading some story, and we learned that you and Luna had a mortal mother, about six thousand years ago or so.
Celestia: (From TV) I did?
Rarity: Apparently.
Celestia: (From TV) I don't seem to recall any of that.
Twilight: Maybe you just have a lapse in your memory?
Celestia: (From TV) It was a long, LONG time ago, I can guarantee that. My memory is a little fuzzy. I do remember something about a unicron. And fire. Lots of fire.
(The riffers exchange glances.)
Author: Alright, I think I'm regretting this immensely...
Twilight: Um, Princess? I think we should go.
Celestia: (From TV) Wait! Don't you want to know about my early childhood? What about when I went through puberty?
Author: Ah! Uh, the signals breaking up!
Pinkie Pie: Yeah, uh, shtzzzzzzz!
Celestia: (From TV) What are you talking about? My end is perfectly- (Rarity unplugs TV)
All: ...
Twilight: On with the story then?
Rarity: On with the story.

---

Not My Destiny

Twilight: I’m starting to develop a suspicion about the contrary.

by Smayds

Author: Brand ketchup.

Chapter 6 - Terminal Velocity

Rarity: The means the story isn’t going to get any better…

"Come ON, Twilight! It's the easiest thing in the world!" the blue pegasus shouted down from fifty feet in the air.

Pinkie Pie: “I can touch my nose with my tongue EASY!”

Twilight shifted her hooves nervously. This wasn't like her balloon.

Pinkie Pie: She stole my balloon!

And it wasn't at all like a pegasus chariot. SHE would be doing the flying, and if she stopped flapping her wings, she'd fall out of the sky.

Author: Give this pony a medal, she’s a physics genius!

So then I could just teleport down to the ground. Or I could probably just hit the ground at a hundred miles an hour and not feel a thing.

Twilight: “Who would’ve thought being a god would make everything so boring!”

Maybe not a good idea. I might hit something important.

Rarity: "Like one of the few remaining readers."

She shook her head slowly and exhaled, her nostrils flaring wide. Something vaguely rainbow-coloured was moving about in her field of vision.

I am doing the right thing.

...Right?

Pinkie Pie: What, flapping your wings? If you want to fly, then yes!

Friends. She needed to spend time with her friends.

Because soon they'll just be memories along with everypony else...

Stop that. That won't happen.

Author: Um... Yes it will. That's the thing about being immortal. Suck it up.

"I SAID, ARE YOU READY TO TAKE OFF YET?"

Twilight blinked. Rainbow Dash had been flapping up and down barely three inches from the end of her muzzle, and she hadn't noticed. "Huh?"

"Jeez, Twilight." Dash dropped to the ground. "You're, like, a million miles away."

Twilight: "Okay, so it's more like three inches, but still...

"A million... huh?"

"You got a lot on your mind. I know. But come ON, Twilight! You're starting to cut into my nap time!"

Rarity: And then Twilight zapped Rainbow with her horn. The end.

The corners of Twilight's mouth twitched. Then, the first grin she'd worn in days hitched itself onto her face. "Cutting into your nap time? It's ALWAYS your nap time, Rainbow Dash!"

Author: Oh! Burn!

Laughing, Dash flapped her wings and hovered about a foot off the ground. "Heh heh, yeah. That's about right... You gonna at least try flapping your wings or something though? See what it feels like? Because," she finished with a wink, "I could be napping."

Author: Um... Counter burn?

Twilight smiled. She could concentrate on anything she wanted to now, she supposed. She could stop concentrating about that... that other thing.

Pinkie Pie: She kept thinking she left the oven on!

Stop. Flying lesson.

Twilight stretched her wings out to her sides and gave them a few slow experimental flaps. "So, most of this is going to be balance, right?"

Author: You need about 20% more balance.

"You read 'Elementary Flight Control', didn't you?" The singular circumstance of Twilight borrowing a book from Rainbow Dash was probably going to be a talking point for years.

Twilight: Wow, we really don't have that much to talk about, do we?

There might not be years...

STOP. IT. Flying lesson!

"Cover to cover. I've got it memorised."

Rarity: "Very well. Repeat it back to me."

"Great! I'll catch you if you fall, just keep your head up, and keep beating your wings. You'll find your rhythm.

Author: To the tune of "Canvas Bags", by Tim Minchin.

Jump when you take off, it makes it easier. You need to find your balance more than anything. Ready?"

Twilight nodded. She tensed her legs to spring, then lifted her wings high for that first powerful downstroke.

Woah. Woah. Hey, now, this, I like...

She was two hundred feet in the air -

Author: But how did she solve the icing problems?

"Hey! You're supposed to just be doing circles around the meadow, not trying to set some new altitude record on your first flight!" Rainbow Dash complained.

Rarity: Because two hundred feet is SO high!

She was about ten feet off to Twilight's right, her wings moving faster than Twilight's slow, easy beats - but then, while extended, Twilight's wings were nearly twice as large as the pegasus pony's own.

"Rainbow Dash! I love this! I LOVE THIS!"

Author: Ugh. I think Twilight's going to have a flygasm or something.
Rarity: Twilight/Wind clop-fic.
Pinkie Pie: If a brony can write one about Rainbow Dash and a cloud, they can do this, too!

Twilight closed her eyes and just kept flapping, the glorious, refreshing wind blowing her mane and tail, seeming to take more and more of her terrible worries for the future away with every gust. She opened her eyes and beamed at Dash.

This is flying? No wonder Dash is hardly ever on the ground. This is great!

Yeah, now you can just fly happily along and watch the world burn beneath you...

Twilight: "Mind, you take the fun out of everything!"
Author: "Sorry, I can't help it."

Her wingbeats faltered for the tiniest instant.

No. NO. Stop that. FLYING.

Rarity: Twilight isn't going to let something as silly as the plot stop her from flying.

"Twilight, you're just flying straight up. You need to be going forwards!"

Author: "Take the parking break off!"

Twilight leaned forward at the right part of her stroke, just like the book showed. Her head went down, her tail went up, and she flipped onto her back.

Author: This is the only time I'm ever going to say this, but DON'T do a barrel roll!

A flash of red. She stood on the ground, shaking slightly. Looking up for Rainbow Dash, she saw the cyan pony streaking back towards the ground.

All: Ahh!
Author: Put some clothes on!
Twilight: Wait... We don't wear clothes, why are we disgusted?
Rarity: It's the principle of the thing.

She was yelling something.

Well, best to just get back up in the saddle, I guess.

Twilight: Considering everybody is ponies, that is the weirdest analogy I've ever heard.
Author: I guess Twilight Sparkle wants to "mount" another pony!
Rarity: ... You're disgusting.

Beating her wings again, she leaped lightly from the grass of the meadow into the air. Slower this time. Ten feet. Twenty feet. Thirty feet. She met Rainbow Dash at forty.

Pinkie Pie: "Knock knock!"
Twilight: "Who's there?"

"That."

Twilight looked at Dash. "That what?"

Pinkie Pie: "Oh, you messed up the joke!"

"That. That was..."

"What?!"

"AWESOME! Twilight, that was TOTALLY awesome! You're never gonna get a dopey nickname if you can just teleport yourself out of a crash!

Author: I can think of a few...

Oh man. I wish I could do that!" Dash looked so impressed that Twilight couldn't resist.

"So, are you saying that you're NOT the most awesome pony in all of Equestria?"

"'Course I'm still the most awesome pony in all Equestria. Nothing changed there!"

"So..."

"Twilight. You are HARDLY just a pony any more. You're royalty. That doesn't count." Twilight coloured,

Rarity: No! Not on the wall, I just cleaned it!

and Dash added "But don't you think I'm gonna start bowing and scraping and saying 'Ooooh your highness can I please please kiss your hooves' or anything like that. You're Twilight. You're my pal. And Celestia said you don't need to take the titles anyway."

Twilight: "That's right, Rainbow! Oh, and before I forget, prepare me a royal sandwich, knave!

Twilight felt a bit better. Her friends, at least, would never consider her royalty. Oh, they joked about it, but never anything serious. They all wanted Twilight to stay in Ponyville too.

"Let's just keep flying, uh, straight up for a while, Rainbow. I like this."

All: We could tell.
Pinkie Pie: I hope she doesn't pass out from the excitement.

"Yeah, we're not really that high. When you start to feel chilly, we'll head back down and work on manoeuvres."

Not to say that actually managing to stay in Ponyville was proving particularly easy at the moment... The only alicorns that anypony even knew about - well, at least until a week ago - were Celestia and Luna, and it seemed that everypony's immediate reaction to an alicorn was to assume they were royalty.

Twilight: "Now everypony is calling me Princess! It's UNBEARABLE! How will I survive?!"

Well... You didn't even know there have only ever been two winged unicorns either, until last week. If a strange alicorn turned up in town, you'd have thought she was a princess. A relative of Celestia's. You would have bowed.

Now, I guess, you'd just try to suck them dry of magic, just like you did to Luna...

Author: ... What.

Stop that. That's not even true and you know it.

How strange that an alicorn's kneejerk reaction to a spell being used on them was to pull all of the spellcaster's magic out through their horn.

Author: "If you have a horn full of magic, and I have a horn full of magic, and I'm an alicorn. And my magic reaches acroooooooss the room, and starts to suck up your magic... I... suck... your... magic! (Makes a sucking sound.) I suck it up!"

You had to suppress the urge to do so, if you didn't want to knock the unfortunate unicorn out, or worse. Admittedly, a fairly useful ability to have, especially in Equestria's earlier days of assassination attempts and the like.

Rarity: Is that canon?

Luna, of course, was far too magically powerful to be harmed in this manner, and the result of Twilight's subconscious yank on Luna's spell had just massively increased the force, in Twilight's direction, of the gentle shove Luna was giving to everypony. No, you couldn't do this to an alicorn. But as far as unicorns were concerned...

Thank goodness I was out cold when Rarity levitated me downstairs that first morning. If I'd been awake, I could have subconsciously killed her.

Rarity: That would have been most unfortunate.

I wonder what it'll be like to consciously kill her?

Twilight: Um... What a twist?

Squeezing her eyes tight for a moment, Twilight smiled over at Rainbow Dash, who really did look impressed. This was only her second flight, after all, even though they were just flapping lazily upwards. Twilight directed her thoughts back to some of the stranger reactions she'd experienced in Ponyville over the last week.

Pinkie Pie: "That one reaction where a stallion walked smack into a pole was priceless!"

Mrs. Cake just couldn't stop herself from addressing Twilight with "Your Highness." Pinkie, bless her crazy heart, had told Mrs. Cake that Twilight wasn't a princess, but then, giggling a pink streak, had gone on to say that Twilight would throw anypony who called her a princess into the royal dungeon. So it was Her Highness at Sugarcube Corner for the present.

Rarity: It was FAR too much effort for Twilight to actually tell the Cakes they could just call her Twilight.

Sigh.

What will you force the screaming masses to call you as you burn them alive?

Author: Trollestia is already taken, so I guess they'd call you "Twoll".

Stop. It. Think about flying.

"Hang on. This balance thing."

"Yeah?"

"The best thing is practice, right?

Author: And steroids.

And the higher you are, the longer you can fall, and that means you have more time in a single fall to practice balance and poise and centre-of-gravity?"

"Yup. Just remember, it's not the fall that kills you."

Pinkie Pie: "It's the horrible embarrassment you get from everypony laughing at you!"

"The sudden stop at the bottom can't really kill me either, Rainbow Dash."

"Yeah. That's gotta be the weirdest thing, right?"

Twilight: Teleporting is awesome. But I guess being immortal is just a bit odd.

"This is going to be weirder. Wait here, I'll be right back."

Twilight teleported herself ten thousand feet straight up.

This is HIGH.

Rarity: Brilliant deduction!

Her eyes slammed shut as panic roared in her ears.

Pinkie Pie: It sounded like a tiger, RAWR!

You can teleport yourself safely to the ground any time you want. You can probably survive a fall from this height without even a single bent feather. You just flew, on your own, for the first time in your life. And you loved it.

Twilight: Thank you for the recap of the chapter.

So. Open your eyes. You have to do this. You KNOW how to do this - you have that whole book memorised. It just takes...

"PRACTICE!" Twilight's eyes flicked open. She wasn't level. She stopped flapping, holding her wings straight out. She dropped like a rock, the wind howling through her ears.

Stay. Calm. You. Can't. Possibly. Fall. To. Your. Death. So. BALANCE!

Rarity: You. Can. Over. Use. Periods. However.

She shifted her body's centre of gravity by moving her legs. Then she started rolling her body underneath her wings.

Heyyyyyyy...

All: Hey!
Pinkie Pie: How's it going?

She was pointing nose-first at the ground, plummeting downwards. She banked to the left, accidentally rolling completely around once before getting that back under control. The wind in her face was exhilarating, the pure rushing speed was almost a drug.

Author: I wonder if she can hook me up with a good dealer.
Twilight: She said ALMOST a drug.
Author: Does that mean I can get it over the counter?

I've never felt anything like this in my entire life...

Pinkie Pie: "Except for that one time with the helium balloon, but that doesn't count!

She pitched back a little. She could see the meadow far below, just to the southeast of Ponyville. There was a tiny blue speck...

Twilight grinned. She aimed.

Author: Bam!

The tiny blue speck grew into an anxious-looking blue pegasus with an unruly shock of multicoloured mane. She was circling at about fifty feet, looking up and down, obviously trying to see where Twilight had got to. She didn't see the rapidly-approaching lavender blur until it passed under her at a distance of three feet, and a speed of about two hundred miles per hour.

Rarity: I hope she's good at stopping.

Rainbow's shriek filled Twilight's ears as she flared her wingtips up very sharply and rocketed back into the sky. At the top of her brief climb, she flipped over backwards and began to flap again, rolling level, slowing herself down, and approaching the stunned pony standing in the middle of the meadow.

Twilight: Well, I seemed to have mastered flight in the course of a few paragraphs. I'm sure all the pegasi who work their whole lives to achieve such brilliance won't be annoyed at all!

As Twilight came in to land, wings beating up dust and leaves,

Pinkie Pie: Hey! Pick on someone your own size!

she took one look at Rainbow Dash's face and knew that every single prank that this particular pegasus had played on her had been worth it. Disappearing ink, itching powder, whoopee cushions, hoof-buzzers, super-spicy cupcakes, everything. They had all been worth it for that look.

Author: "This is the tower. You have clearance to land.

Twilight's hooves touched down. She ruffled her wings and folded them neatly against her sides. She grinned at Rainbow Dash.

Dash's expression was priceless.

Rarity: In that case, try taking it to an auction.

Her mane was blown every which-way, her feathers were rumpled, and her tail was stuck straight out in awe.

Author: Is that normally how ponies express awe?

Finally, she managed to make her jaw move. She mumbled a bit.

"Well?" Twilight asked proudly. "How'd I do? On the Rainbow-Dash-And-Pinkie-Pie Prankometer, where do I score?"

Pinkie Pie: I'd give it a 3.8. There wasn't enough planning involved to really say "prank", and overall there was a pretty lukewarm reaction in terms of laughs from both the pranker and the prankee. And there was no rubber chicken involved!

Dash shook her head. "We need another scale. That was so far off the chart, that was, like, like..." She couldn't seem to find the words. "I'll never prank you again. I could never top that!"

Twilight: Being better then Rainbow at both flying and pranking... check.
Rarity: What's that?
Twilight: My Mary Sue checklist.
Author: Oh really? What's checked off?
Twilight: Better question; What isn't checked off?

"You should see your mane," Twilight smirked.

"You should see yours! If you're gonna do those kindsa speeds, you'd better get a style like mine! Neatly-brushed fringes do not go well with that much speed!"

Rarity: My industrial-strength hairgel would like to disagree.

They were still laughing an hour later when they flew to the town square for smoothies. Last week, Twilight would have just walked. Yesterday, she would have teleported. Today, she was going to fly.

Author: Tomorrow, she was thinking of taking the bus.

Not only was this the best feeling in the world, she'd also managed to pull one of the biggest pranks ever on one of the biggest pranksters around. And the elation she got when soaring that fast pushed almost all of the very dark thoughts straight out of her mind.

Twilight: It seems like I'm trying to forget the plot.
Rarity: SO are we, but it isn't working.

Almost all.

Author: There was still that one about the application of coals on another pony's face.

She didn't tell Rainbow Dash that she couldn't decide whether to loop underneath the hovering pegasus, or smash straight into her back, impaling her most loyal friend upon her rapier-sharp horn, until she had only been about ten feet away.

All: ... WHY?!
Author: This is killing me! WHY is she suddenly getting murderous thoughts?! I know there was that prophecy and all...
Rarity: And those thoughts about what it would be like to consciously murder somepony...
Twilight: But that doesn't explain why she's following through instead of going out of her way to not do it!
Pinkie Pie: You all are looking for explanations? Silly ponies! You won't find any here!
Author: Oh well, at least some bronies could clop to the wingasm that Twilight had...
Twilight: You will never talk about that ever. Again.
Author: But...
Twilight: EVER.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We've got break sign!

Twilight: Wow, it feels like forever since we riffed the last chapter.
Rarity: Let's give a recap, shall we?
Pinkie Pie: Okey-dokey-lokey! So Twilight was all like, "OH MY GOSH I'M AN ALICORN!" And then she fainted! Then Celestia's all like, "OH MY GOSH YOU'RE AN ALICORN!" And then she fainted! And then Luna's all like, "OH MY GOSH YOU'RE AN ALICORN!" And she threw Twilight through a WALL! Then Celestia's all like, "blah, blah, blah, bad stuff, blah", and then she threw Twilight through a wall!
Twilight: I don't think that's quite how it-
Pinkie Pie: And then Twilight's like, "Grr, I'm an alicorn so I've gone crazy!" And now we're here!
Rarity, Author, and Twilight: ...
Author: Yeah, so basically Twilight's on an OOC rampage. I don't really expect things to improve anytime soon.
Twilight: Also, don't forget that this story invented a new verb: magic. As in, "she magicked the door open".
Rarity: I'm sure it's going to appear in the next Equestrian dictionary...
(Buzzer sounds)
All: We've got story sign!

---

Not My Destiny

Rarity: The more you deny it, the more we believe it.

by Smayds

Author: Brand tartar sauce.

Chapter 7 - Misfires

Twilight: I'll bet this chapter misfires...

A downcast Twilight Sparkle appeared in Celestia's cozy tower-top room with a small pop and a flash of light. "It happened again."

Pinkie Pie: "Not again! At least tell me it wasn't a cat this time!"

Celestia looked up from the enormous book, now on a specially-made stand, and gave Twilight a knowing smile. "Who was it today?"

Author: Smayds.

"Rainbow Dash. I nearly killed her. I mean, I nearly killed her on purpose." Twilight shook her head glumly as she trotted to stand beside her once-ruler, now-equal.

Author: Great, is this going to turn into one of those buddy-comedy stories?

"Anything in there about that? I was going to fly into her and stab her with my horn."

Pinkie Pie: It's under "H" for horn!

"You didn't do her any harm. No, I don't recall any horn-impalings. But then, you're not really in this book any more, Twilight. Well, apart from page one."

Rarity: Coincidentally it's the most boring page.
Pinkie pie: The next page on confectionery recipes is much better!

A sheaf of notes appeared on the stand next to the book, magicked from the library bedroom's writing desk. Twilight started to riffle through them. "What does this mean? I found it this morning and I didn't know what to make of it.

Author: "Oh, this? Well, you could make a hat, or a broach, or a pterodactyl..."

And I wasn't going to interrupt your court session," Twilight added, forestalling Celestia's protest. "It could wait until now. I had to leave anyway. Flying lesson."

"Oh, yes! How did it go?"

Twilight: "Well, we're now at war with the dragons, but otherwise pretty well."

"Well, I've got one more little bit of motivation to get everypony safely through this now. Flying is amazing," Twilight smiled up at Celestia, "and it pushes just about everything else out of my head. It almost feels like... as if it's just the old me alone in here."

Rarity: Considering that the old you couldn't fly, I'd be a bit concerned with your flight performance.

Celestia nodded gravely.

Author: With her "headstone"!
All: ...
Author: Sorry, I'm just "winging" it with these jokes! (Rarity starts to cry after realizing she needs to spend a whole story with author.)

"I can't get The Lunacy out of you, Twilight. That is something only you can accomplish. It's not controlling you, like it did Luna. It's waiting for you to control it. To embrace it. It will whisper to you.

Pinkie Pie: "Try not to pay attention when it talks about the healthy applications of fire!"

Remember, your thoughts are not all your own. But your will belongs only to you."

Twilight: "But you should still try to keep it in a bank for safe keeping."

Twilight nodded. "I was hoping for a little more time, I guess. I mean, I'm still me." Twilight sighed softly.

All: "SIIIIIIIIIGGGGHHHH."

"But I've thought about killing two of my friends now. Applejack was pretty mad at me, saying I'd taken all the fun out of applebucking by clearing a whole orchard at once,

Rarity: Oh. Yes. Tell the real Applejack that you have an extremely efficient and time saving way to produce profits for her family, while also avoiding injuries like that one time with Big Macintosh. I'm sure she'll be so thankful that you aren't going to take the "fun" out of it.

but... Grabbing her with my telekinesis... I did get her laughing. Saying that I was playing around and now we get to spend more time together without work in the way. And we did have a lot of fun that afternoon. I don't really think I would have thrown her through the barn."

Author: "Really?"
Pinkie Pie: "... Okay, Celestia, you got me! I threw her through the barn!"
Author: "And?"
Pinkie Pie: "Turned her inside out."
Author: "And?"
Pinkie Pie: "Made her listen to the vuvuzela."

Twilight's eyes shifted focus. "But I wanted to," she finished softly. Her head drooped.

After a moment, she was able to speak again. "It's more than just those two. I've thought about killing all of my friends.

Author: Who hasn't? Am I right?

I just had the opportunity with AJ and Dash." A pause, then Twilight continued, almost whistfully. "The spa's going to be a lot of fun tomorrow. Maybe I'll drown Fluttershy and Rarity.

Twilight: Try the two spa ponies. See if they can actually talk.

Or strangle them with their towels. Or I could get them to strangle each other. That'd be entertaini-"

Twilight started in shock and disgust.

Rarity: She just recalled a dirty joke.
Author: You mean "The Aristocrats"?

How can I even THINK stuff like that?!

Twilight: Please, don't get me started on the functions of the brain. We'll be here all day.
Author: Here. Isn't this story so thought provoking?

She sat down on her haunches and looked at the ancient stone floor.

A gentle hoof on her shoulder. An enveloping wing.

Twilight: An oddly worded description.

"We will find a way through this, Twilight. We are trying everything we can. Luna and myself will never give up, if it means saving our beloved Equestria."

Pinkie Pie: "And baker Joe's donuts. But MOSTLY Equestria!"

"She can't even stay in the same room as me anymore," Twilight said sadly, looking at the carved patterns on the stones.

Author: Not even etchings of Epic Sax Guy could get her to smile.

"Can you blame her for that?

All: Yes.

It is not your fault that The Lunacy is inside you, waiting to be called forth willingly. My Little Sister

RatherHomely: Can be found un-riffed here. Enjoy!

has no problem with you at all. But to ask her to face the thing we now see hiding behind your eyes..." Celestia's wing was quite steady against Twilight's side, but the tiniest quaver was creeping into her voice.

Pinkie Pie: Hear that? It's the sound of the Mary Sue disease infecting her blood!

"I believe such a thing will forever remain beyond her ability. The monster that held her under its unbreakable control for a thousand years is now sitting politely and obediently in your mind, tame as a kitten, waiting to be let out on a leash. She looks at you and she sees The Night Mare waiting to be reborn."

Rarity: "So we've decided to banish you to the moon."
Author: Conflict resolved! The end!

The two alicorns sat in silence for a few minutes. Celestia stirred. "You had something you wanted to ask me?"

Pinkie Pie: If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Twilight jerked her head upright. "Oh! Yes. I found this," she said, magicking a piece of paper into Celestia's telekinetic grip, making sure not to pull or tug on her fellow alicorn's magic.

Author: That sentence makes no sense. I could understand if she magicked the paper into Celestia's hoof, but into her telekinetic grip?

They've only just got the wall repainted.

Celestia held the paper up and read the notes Twilight had been making. "'The Master of Magic will abandon her friends when chaos drives a spike between them.' You are worried about this passage?"

Twilight: "It's been stalking me... I'm scared."

"I'm not sure. I thought it might be talking about Discord."

Celestia's regal face assumed a thoughtful look. "It could well be. Discord isn't mentioned in here, you know."

"Huh?" Twilight was astonished. "I thought this records everything Starshine saw of the future?"

Twilight: What, did you think she had time to write down EVERYTHING?
Rarity: I went to the bathroom an hour ago. Are you surprised sh didn't write that down?

There really was everything in this book. Everything from the end of the world

Author: Mass cow explosions. Nobody saw it coming.

right down to innumerable anonymous colts and fillies that had banged their knees.

Rarity: Oh, I... Guess me going to the bathroom is in there.

It was maddening as hell, because nothing was in any sort of order, chronological or otherwise. There were no given names, just ones that would appear to seem symbolic after the fact.

Author: This book is stupid... Did she really right down EVERYTHING? REALLY?

The occasional nugget of actual interesting and helpful information was buried in amongst thousands upon thousands of lines like "The one whose father's father built the first of six houses on this spot will break his leg when tripping down the stairs." MADDENING. You couldn't figure out who most of these ponies ever were or ever would be.

Pinkie Pie: Actually, I think that last line was Butter Roll. He lives across the street.

And, what was worse, of the occasional line that seemed promising, such as "The longest night of the shortest winter shall set the stars in motion to reveal the path of true peace", there were no dates, almost no way of knowing what events were being referred to, and absolutely no way to know how important the cryptic passage might be, compared to those around it.

How are you supposed to know what's important, and what's not?

Twilight: Well, I suppose we don't want it to be too easy.

Well, I suppose the single most important thing in here DOES have the whole first page all to itself...

"Mother saw everything, that is true. But there is no explicit mention of Discord in this book. Neither is there a mention of the Elements of Harmony."

Twilight shook her head. "Do they have some sort of, I don't know. Some sort of, uh, other name? Um, allegorical?"

Celestia smiled a very sad smile. "I don't know why neither the Elements of Harmony, nor the Spirit of Disharmony, are in here.

Pinkie Pie: "You'd think that since this book contains everything, they'd be in here."

I know everything this book has to offer. I've even guessed correctly about some particularly bad scrapes and bruises. Those cuts and bruises didn't happen. And I don't think the end of the world will, either."

Author: So... The book is useless?
Rarity: Seems that way.
Author: And Smayds is just trying to give a reason why all the characters are edgy?
Pinkie Pie: Oh! He should try flickering the lights!

Twilight strongly disagreed. A week ago, she would have accepted Celestia's words without question. Now, however, she could question all she wanted.

But she didn't. There was too much to do.

Twilight: And those things will never actually be mentioned.
Rarity: Like playing with Applejack. That is just so time consuming.

Celestia and Twilight resumed their examination of every word in the enormous volume. Somewhere in here, there might be a clue, something that Celestia may have taken out of context. They were up to page nine hundred and forty one. There were more than seventy thousand pages. Each page was almost as big as a door, and the ancient characters were the size of ants.

Rarity: Indeed. Because such a book is incredibly possible to make, similar to how I'm a fire breathing dragon.

Twilight was extremely glad that sleep was optional for alicorns.

Author: It's part of the bonus package at the dealership.
________________________________________

Twilight pulled her eyes away from page one thousand, six hundred and twenty three, and saw Celestia at the chamber's large east-facing window out of the corner of her eye.

Pinkie Pie: Hey, stop slacking!

She tore her concentration from the book, and watched in wonder.

Author: "How did is she solving that Rubix Cube so quickly?!"

Celestia's horn was glowing faintly. Then, the glow spread and enclosed her entire regal body. She held a perfect pose, front hoof raised, head high, eyes closed. As Twilight watched, she saw the stars begin to fade from the sky, and a faint rim of blue begin to spread across the entire eastern horizon.

It must be morning. Luna just put the stars to bed.

Twilight: After reading them a bed-time story, of course.
Author: "Where the Brighter things Are", by Starice Sendak,

And now Celestia is raising the sun... How... how beautiful.

Twilight: It almost makes me want to not murder everything in sight. Almost.

Celestia remained as still as a statue for nearly two minutes. Then she stepped back a pace, rested on her haunches, breathed deeply, and opened her eyes, gazing at the brightening blue line of the horizon.

She turned back to the book-stand, and opened her eyes wider when she saw Twilight looking at her in fascination.

"Raising the sun?"

Pinkie Pie: "Of course not! Whatever gave you that idea?!"

"More than that, Twilight. It takes a short while to cast the spell that moves it across the sky for an entire day."

"It was beautiful."

Celestia actually blushed.

Author: Clop-fic off the port bow!

"Thank you, Twilight. As long as just a single pony appreciates my effort every day, I am happy. You must try it."

Rarity: The way she says that... It's like she's asking Twilight to try some kind of food.
Pinkie Pie: "Twilight, you simply MUST try some of this sun cake! It is to DIE for!
Twilight: "I don't know, I'm trying to watch my magic intake..."
Pinkie Pie: "Don't be silly, you look great! You deserve to splurge a little bit!"
Twilight: "Well... Maybe just this once..."

"Really?!" Twilight couldn't believe this. Sure, she'd moved the sun once... But to cast the spell that shepherded it across the sky for a whole day... "I'd be honoured!"
Celestia smiled. "Then you can do it tomorrow."
Twilight's jaw would have hurt last week. Now she just felt the joints stretching. Then, her brain clunked back into gear.

Author: Don't forget to turn the parking break off.

It's morning. We've been working all night. And I'm not even remotely tired. I'll try and catch a nap later on, though. Not sleeping is too... weird.

Pinkie Pie: Twilight never slept even when she wasn't an alicorn!
Twilight: Hey! I get sleep! Granted, I usually read books until four in the morning...

"Hey, I'd better be getting back to the library. I hope Spike's alright. For a baby dragon, he seems pretty good at taking care of himself." An extremely sheepish grin. "He takes pretty good care of me, too." Celestia giggled.

Author: I guess she caught the innuendo. (Twilight glares at author.) What? You ever read Corporal Punishment? What else am I supposed to think?

"I'll be back. I'm going to the spa today. I really want to see Rarity and Fluttershy. I haven't seen them in days."

Author: You could say that she's "dying" to meet them! (Silence.) No? Well, Rarity and Fluttershy have been making a real "killing" while Twilight's been gone! (More silence, followed by an awkward cough.) Okay, how about-
Rarity: Alright, moving on now.
Pinkie Pie: I can't "stomach" these-
Author, Rarity and Twilight: NO.

"I'll be waiting. We'll figure this out, Twilight."

"See you soon, Celestia."

Both alicorns were smiling at each other as the smaller of the two disappeared in a flash of deep red light.

Twilight: Changing the color of my teleport... That's the deepest character development I've seen all story.

_______________________________________

Twilight broke her hug with Fluttershy and smiled.

Rarity: "Oh, sorry... I'll clean that up later."

The buttercup-yellow pegasus smiled back, despite a flicker of fear in her eyes.

No, no, no! My friends are not going to be afraid of me!

Author: "You're... Going... To LOVE ME!"

Even though I think about killing them...

NO!

Twilight: "I FORGOT TO TURN OFF THE OVEN!"

"Hey, Fluttershy, are you okay? You look nervous. It's not me, is it?"

Fluttershy's entire face was now hidden behind her light-pink hair. "Oh, no," she began, in barely more than a whisper. "It's not you at all. I'm just...

Pinkie Pie: "Suffering from... Laryngitis..."

Rarity..."

Twilight got it. Absolutely nothing in her expression changed.

Fluttershy wants Rarity here as a safety margin. She's afraid to be alone with me.

Author: Please... Stop. Analyzing. EVERYTHING. I'm growing paranoid just reading this!

"...Rarity had a big order come in, and she had to cancel. I'm sorry, Twilight," Fluttershy whispered. "I really wanted to spend this morning with you both." She was practically shaking.

Rarity: This is getting a bit silly. I'm starting to think that Fluttershy isn't nervous, but instead should go to the hospital for whatever disease she's come down with.

"Hey! That's a real shame! Don't worry about it! I'm sure we'll have a great time! C'mon, let's go get pampered!" Twilight was all smiles as she magically wrenched open the door

All: Whoa!
Twilight: Take it easy with that poor door!

to the Ponyville Spa. "After you! Gotta work out that stress!"

Fluttershy walked inside, her hooves practically buzzing against the doorsill in her fear.

Pinkie Pie: "Buzzing"?
Twilight: That doorsill must be particularly scary if t's making her "buzz".

Twilight spotted one of the attendants. "Hi! I'm Twilight Sparkle. I'm an alicorn." She extended her wings. "My friend and I have an appointment. Gotta make a really important point, okay? No horn filing. Alicorn horn, see? The little sparkly things give it away. Don't touch it. It'll blow your bucking face off."

Rarity: I can just imagine the spa ponies giving a sigh and saying, "Not ANOTHER one."
_______________________________________

Twilight sank slowly into the boiling-hot spabath.

Author: Nothing like boiled alicorn to finish off a meal... (Disgusted looks from the others.) What? What did I say?

She felt her fury at Fluttershy melting away with every extra inch of luxuriously-scented water that enveloped her. Her pegasus friend was still at the sinks, washing off the remnants of her facemask.

Author: I don't care what anyone says, those face masks are far scarier than anything Twilight's planning to do.

I'll tell her that she's got nothing to fear. That it's just me, her friend Twilight Sparkle. What, she doesn't think I'm going to bite her face off, does she?

Rarity: I hate to break this to you...

Yeah. Yeah, I could do that. Eat her face. That won't kill her. I can kill her later. Make her suffer first.

Pinkie Pie: Somepony better contact Twilight's mom. Her daughter's acting OOC again!

Twilight didn't reprimand herself for this thought.

"Um, Tw-wi... Twilight?" Fluttershy squeaked.

Twilight: Somewhere Iron Will is shaking his head in shame.

Twilight opened her eyes, stared at the shrinking violet with palpable, smoldering hatred, and smiled her friendliest smile.

"Hey, are you getting in? This water isn't gonna stay this hot forever, ya know! It's great!"

Rarity: Actually, spas are meant sort of supposed to keep the waters hot. It's a spa.

"Um, T... Twi... Twilight, I, um, I have to, um, I, uh..."

Author: "Need to, uh, attend my, uh, stammering help group, uh..."

Twilight harumphed. "I'm not going to hurt you, Fluttershy. If you don't want to be around me, that's fine." She sank lower into the glorious bath. The water was lapping her neck.

Pinkie Pie: Ha! The water's like an adorable puppy!

"Oh! Oh. I'm..." The shy little pegasus coughed the tiniest cough.

Twilight: Oh really? Because I have in my records that Honeydew held the record for tiniest cough back in 63'.

When she looked back at Twilight, her eyes were sparkling with tears. "I'm so sorry, Twilight. I really am. I... I don't know what's gotten into me. I know you're just, um, you, you know, but I... I feel..." She let out a squeak.

"You're

Rarity: "In love with me."
Pinkie Pie: "How did you know?!"

scared of me."

Fluttershy didn't answer.

"Oh, fine. Look, just get outta here. I know all my friends think I'm a freak who's just gonna murder them the first chance I get. Who knows, maybe I will.

Twilight: That's comforting. Way to go, me!

Go on, go see your animals or something." Twilight dunked her head under the water.

Author: No, Twilight! Drowning yourself isn't the answer!

She was too angry to remember to choke off her magic.

The bathwater lapped at the base of her horn.

Author: How many licks does it take to get to the magical center of an alicorn horn?

All of the water in the oversized tub exploded into superheated steam. The windows blew out. The doors were ripped to splinters. The wall into the main spa disintegrated. Ceiling beams fell. The lights went out.

Rarity: She does realize she's going to need to pay for this damage?
Twilight: Do you think the spa ponies are insured against alicorn freakouts?

Twilight leaped from the now-empty tub and squinted through the mist. She hadn't been so much as nudged by the explosion. The fractured tile of the tub crumbled behind her as she bolted to one of the smaller holes in the walls.

Fluttershy was lying in a changing room, up against a badly-dented locker. Her perfect yellow hide was covered with angry red blotches.

Author: Doesn't that mean her hide isn't perfect?

One of her wings was twisted at an unnatural angle. Her other wing was nowhere to be seen.

Pinkie Pie: Oh boy, hide and go seek!

Twilight stared, thunderstruck.

Twilight: "Ow."

Coughing, swearing ponies were moving through the thick mist towards her friend.

I did that.

I'll never do it again.

All: (Raise a speculative eyebrow.) Riiiiiiiiight.

Twilight Sparkle closed her eyes. Her horn ignited, the deep red aura extending and expanding.

I'll never hurt another pony again.

All: Suuuuuuuure.

She pictured her destination.

Author: Narnia.

Not ever.
She gritted her teeth.

Twilight: You shouldn't do that. It's not good for your teeth.

There was an enormous, violent explosion of light.

She opened her eyes. Her last breath whooshed out of her lungs.

She sat back onto the snow-like ground and looked up at the world. Everypony she loved was there.

Author: I don't know... Self-banishing yourself to the moon just isn't the same.

And I can't hurt them from here.

Oh, Fluttershy, I hope you're alright. They can regrow your wing. They can fix your burns.

Author: "We have the technology."

But I can never look you in the eye again.

Her tears had frozen solid in the vacuum before they fell softly, like snow, to the fine, powdery surface.

All: ...
Rarity: So, anyone, want to take the time to describe all that was logically flawed with that sentence?
Twilight: What, besides the fact the tear should have frozen to her face and also wouldn't have the same descent snow would?

When Luna raised her crescent moon that evening, the dark image of a crying winged unicorn was plain for all to see.

Author: And- Surprise!- Nopony cared. Bah, I need a break... All in favor, yay or nay?
Pinkie Pie: Well, which one means yes?
Author: (Groans.) Yay.
Pinkie pie: Yay!

---

Twilight: You know, there's something that's been bugging me.
Rarity: The story?
Pinkie Pie: Bugs? (Everyone gives Pinkie a look.) What?
Twilight: It's this whole issue with Fluttershy. I know she's not the most... courageous of ponies, but is this how she'd really act?
Author: Well, you ARE kind of going crazy.
Twilight: But it's all in "my" head so far. Till the scene in the spa, there was no reason for Fluttershy to freak.
Pinkie Pie: (Laughs.) Oh, Twilight! You're so silly! Smayds is the best writer in existence! There's no way he'd steer us wrong!
Twilight: But what about how Fluttershy, and the rest of my friends for that matter, swore to stick by my side no matter what in the first few chapters?
Pinkie Pie: I don't remember that!
Twilight: Well, what about when Fluttershy stood up to that dragon just so she could protect her friends?
Pinkie Pie: Doesn't ring a bell!
Twilight: (Sighs.) Well, let's just imagine she DID do those things. Wouldn't Fluttershy, despite her fears, still stand up for me even if she was scared?
Author: Um, Twilight? I don't think you're going to get through to Pinkie anytime soon.
Twilight: But this story is degrading to her character!
Pinkie Pie: Alright Twilight. I will admit it. You're-
(Buzzer sounds.)
Pinkie Pie: Oh! No time! We've got story sign!
Twilight: Damn it...

---

Not My Destiny

Pinkie Pie: If you don't want it, don't give it to me!

by Smayds

Author: Brand bear claws.

Chapter 8 - Changes

Twilight: Need to be made if this story is to be taken seriously.

Another scroll appeared in a silent pop of light,

Rarity: Considering light doesn't make sound, this isn't exactly notable...

falling slowly onto the sizable pile to her left. She ignored it. They were getting more insistent, arriving several times an hour now. She wondered if she could cast some spell to stop them getting here at all.

Author: Yeah, it's called "Get rid of your damn dragon".

She sighed, frozen tears cascading down her cheeks.

Author: Nevermind, she's still on the moon. I guess Princess Celestia doesn't actually need to use Spike as a mailbox after all.

Sighing is so damned unsatisfying with no air. Nothing to blow out through your nostrils.

Twilight: The truest thing that's been said all story.

She went back to gazing sadly up at the world, wondering how long she could stay here before giving in. She'd lasted two weeks. She didn't think she could stay another second.

Rarity: Try some solitaire. That passes the time fairly well.

They've got to die. All five of them. It's too risky. They stopped me once, they can stop me again.

Author: "Those Oompa Loompas are too much of a threat!"

She agreed with herself.

Rarity: How modest.

And then I can kill everything else. But them first. Too much of a risk to start, if they're alive.

She couldn't even remember why she was crying about Fluttershy.

Author: Twilight, the horned goldfish. Memory span of three seconds? You got it!
________________________________________

"Why don't ya' just go an' GET HER?" Applejack asked, exasperated. Then, she remembered who she was talking to. "Uh, sorry, Princess. Ah just miss ma friend, is all."

Pinkie Pie: "No offense taken. I think you can come up with a more proper apology ON THE MOON!"
Author: "BEEEEYETCH!"

"I miss her too, Applejack. But I can't go and get her. I can't go to the moon." Celestia shook her head sadly.

All: ... WHY NOT?!
Twilight: Okay, eveypony just relax. I'm sure there's going to be an explanation.
Author: Better be a damn good one...

The meeting was taking place in the Ponyville library, as per Celestia's suggestion. It was far more convenient for the two alicorns to travel to the village than it was for the five mortal ponies, and one relatively-mortal dragon, to travel to Canterlot.

Rarity: If ONLY the Princesses had the ability to teleport other ponies! Oh wait, they do.

"Buh-but you sent Princess Luna there!" Rarity objected, with a nervous glance at the younger alicorn, who was busying herself with pacing around and looking annoyed.

Pinkie Pie: The princesses are really busy alicorns!

"A thousand years ago! And you can raise the sun! And Princess Luna can move the moon and stars! That's more magic than you could possibly need to just go and get her!"

"I used the Elements of Harmony to imprison my sister within the moon." Celestia bowed her head slightly. "And my sister had vast, unimaginable powers available to her when the prison broke, so coming back from the moon was trivial. But remember the special circumstances surrounding each of these events. Twilight Sparkle has powers that dwarf our own, even combined. She has simply taken herself out of our direct reach. Neither Luna nor myself can teleport to the moon. It's too far. We would die in the attempt."

All: ...
Author: THAT'S THE WORST EXPLANATION I'VE EVER HEARD!
Rarity: Well, it is a bit... Flawed.
Author: Here's my list of things wrong. I wrote t in five seconds.
Twilight: Do we really have to listen to you read-
Author: YES. First, Twilight isn't imprisoned inside the moon, she's sitting on its surface! Second, being able to traverse to and from the moon has nothing to do with Luna's entrapment, it was being bound there! There's nothing in that sentence that actually supports being unable to get to the moon! Third, how do you even KNOW Twilight has superior powers?! She hasn't actually demonstrated them? Perhaps my memory is flawed, but she's only demonstrated the same powers that both of the Princesses can already do! Fourth, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO TELEPORT TO THE GOD DAMNED MOON! Just FLY! Breathing is optional, remember? And why would the teleport kill you?! If you're so worried, teleport half way, take a breather (or not), then teleport the other half of the distance! And furthermore-
Pinkie Pie: Um, author?
Author: WHAT?!
Pinkie Pie: THe story was tired of waiting. It continued without you.
Author: Oh, shi-

These words were like thunder in the ears of the five ponies and one dragon. The Princesses could do anything, couldn't they?

Apparently not.

Author: (Still fuming.) Apparently!

"We can send scrolls. We are constantly sending her scrolls.

Twilight: Which means Spike is completely worthless, and I don't really need him for letters.

But we cannot go ourselves. Such a thing is beyond us!"

Author: APPARENTLY!
Rarity: Author, do you need a moment?
Author: NO. I'm FINE and DANDY.

Luna stopped her pacing and glared. She looked angry. "Nor can we send a messenger. You are all too large, even the dragon, and even if we could send you, you would perish almost immediately! Twilight Sparkle can survive such a place," Luna snorted, "and so could I.

Author: JUST FLY THERE! GOD DAMNIT! (Walks over to a wall and starts banging his head against it.)
Twilight: ... Perhaps we should just leave him be for now.
Pinkie and Rarity: Agreed.

But no mortal creature can."

"Well," Fluttershy put in, "you could always ask me how to get her back."

Two earth ponies, one pegasus pony, one unicorn pony, two immortal alicorns, and one baby dragon

Twilight: Alternatively, you could just type, "Everyone else", but that would be too easy.

looked at the shyest pony any of them had ever met. The determination on the yellow pegasus's face was incredible.

"Do you want her back? Because I want her back."

Pinkie Pie: "I also want her chest, but for different reasons."

Celestia bowed her head. "What do you suggest?"

"Princess Luna? I have a question. It's about bringing the night," Fluttershy asked. Luna cocked her head. "What else can you do with the night sky?"

Twilight: I feel as though a horrible pun would be appropriate here...
Author: (From the wall, between head pounds.) She's McShyver! She can make a bomb out of duct tape, car keys, and some night air!
________________________________________

The sun had set. The night had risen. They were ready to try.

"Please remember, my little ponies, that she may not come back, even after this," Celestia said.

Twilight: Celestia; Shooting down hopes and dreams, one pony at a time.

Fluttershy simply looked determined. "We have to try. What are we if we don't try to get our friend back?"

Author: (Comes running back over.) This may get good.
Rarity: Finished banging your head against the wall?
Author: Hey, I can't miss the possible redemption of Fluttershy's character. Maybe she isn't as big a pansy as you were bitching about earlier, Twilight.

Celestia looked at Luna. The younger alicorn nodded back slowly. A hundred members of the Royal Guard were in Ponyville, just in case. They were door-knocking right now, just in case.

Pinkie Pie: And they were being repetitive, just in case.

They had orders that Celestia had never imagined she would have to issue. Just in case.

Pinkie Pie: Oh! I totally called that one!

"Little Sister, if you would please do the honours?"

Author: "You get to cut the ribbon to the new WalMart opening here in Ponyville."

Luna trotted up the short staircase to the library's large picture-window. The glass panels glowed pale blue, opened, swung outwards. She had a fine view of her magnificent night sky. The other ponies gathered around as she raised her head, closed her eyes, and sent the magic of the night out to all of the infinite heavens.

They looked at the dark silhouette on the face of the gibbous moon.

They waited.

They hoped.

Twilight: They ate some dinner. Rented a movie. Fell asleep. Woke up the next day. Ate some-
Rarity: Stop.
________________________________________

The stars...

Twilight blinked. The stars. The stars were moving.

Author: "I don't know what this powdery stuff on the moon is, but I'm totally tripping."

The constellations swirled and changed, individual points of light and great clusters, all moving, slowly, steadily.

They were bunching together, forming lines, curves, twists... words. They were forming words.

Rarity: Unfortunately, Luna is terrible at grammar.

Twilight looked on, stunned, as the entire universe rearranged itself, just for her.

Twilight: Nice way to inflate my ego, Luna.

They were sending her a message. She wouldn't read the scrolls, so they were moving the very heavens themselves to give her a message.

Please come home.

I miss you.

I'm waiting for you in the library.

- Fluttershy

Pinkie Pie: P.S. Buy some milk on the way.

Fluttershy...

Fluttershy misses me...

After I...

Twilight: "Used her toothbrush to scrub the toilet."

She remembered what she'd done. Her eyes snapped wide,

Twilight: "Ow."

shattering the twin trails of ice on her cheeks.

Fluttershy!

The enormous image of a weeping alicorn vanished from the face of the moon.
________________________________________

Her hooves touched the wooden floor of the library's large, welcoming ground floor.

Author: "Hi there! The name's ground floor, but my friends call me Gary! Come on in!"

A pink-and-yellow blur slammed into her. A pair of front legs wrapped tightly around her neck. She was being ferociously hugged by a crying pegasus.

Rarity: Look out, Twilight!

"Twilight! Twilight! Oh, thank goodness! I thought you were never coming back! Oh, I've missed you so much! Oh! You're so cold!"

"Fluttershy!" Twilight gasped,

Pinkie Pie: "I can't breath!"
Author: Wait, she gasped... When she doesn't need any air?
All: (Facepalm/hoof.)

hugging back.

I'm so sorry I almost killed you.

I'm so sorry I didn't kill you.

Rarity: Why am I getting the feeling that the story isn't going to end quite so easily?

"I'm so sorry I almost killed you! Are you alright? Are you okay? Was anypony else hurt? I'm so sorry! I -"

Soft thumps as all of her other friends joined the hug. Sniffs and sobs. Twilight was crying with sheer joy.

I have you all right here, you can't get away, and now you're all going to die. I'm so happy!

Author: I feel like Robcakeran and Sergeant Sprinkles are trying to write the story at the same time.

"My friends! My best... My best friends! I... I don't know what I was thinking! You're all here! I'm so happy!"

The hug broke up.

Rarity: No! The hug was my favorite shipping!

Twilight stepped back and looked with trepidation at the beaming pony right in front of her. Fluttershy looked fine. There were a few patches where her coat hadn't quite grown back in.

Author: Oh, yeah, of course, I suppose that MISSING WING is doing just dandy as well.

"You're alright! You're okay! I thought you were dead! I... I... I just..."

Pinkie Pie: It must have been super cold on the moon! Twilight's stammering as much as Fluttershy!

Fluttershy wiggled her wings, her smile getting wider. The feathers on one were a little fluffier than the other. "I'm just fine! The Princess herself arrived at the spa right after the explosion! There were quite a few burns and a couple of sprains. I was the worst but she regrew my wing just like that!

Rarity: Oh, uh, I never knew it was that easy.

Oh, you were right. I was so hungry! Remember, right after you got your wings?"

Twilight was momentarily distracted by the sight of Luna, standing at the large, round picture window. The midnight-blue Princess stood silently, back to Twilight, eyes closed, horn glowing as she restored the heavens. Below her stood her older sister. She was behind the circle of her chattering friends, smiling down at Twilight. The small alicorn jumped forward and nuzzled her neck. "Celestia! Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!"

Twilight: I give it... Three sentences before Twilight thinks crazy thoughts.
Author: Four.
Twilight: Deal.

Celestia sat back and looked quizzical. "Why are you sorry, Twilight Sparkle? There was no harm done."

"I'm sorry for running away!" She turned around, to look at all of her best friends. She smiled.

Maybe a fire spell. I could burn them to death.

Author: Damn it!
Twilight: Pay up.
Author: Fine... I'll right the stupid book/quill clopfic for you...
Twilight: (Squeals with delight.)

No, just telekinesis. Easy. Crush them.

No, I don't want to hurt them. They're my friends.

And they can stop me.

I want them to stop me!

No, I don't want them to stop me! I have to kill them!

Pinkie Pie: This story's giving me whiplash!

"Uh, Twi'?" Her farmer friend

Twilight: Big Mac?
Rarity: Braeburn?
Author: No, he's still over in APPLELOOSA!

was looking at her with the deepest concern. "Y'all right there, sugarcube?"

Twilight seized Applejack and hurled her, at an appreciable fraction of the speed of sound, straight at the wall.

Rarity: Deja vu.
Pinkie Pie: Perhaps it's code for, "I'm doing alright, how about you?"

WHAT AM I DOING?!

Twilight: Being OOC. What else is new?

She teleported Applejack right back to where she had been standing. The orange earth pony fell over with a muffled "Ooof!"

The newest alicorn was on the ground as well,

Rarity: Cadence?

hooves over her eyes. "Girls! G-girls! Get away from me!"

There was absolute silence, followed by the sounds of a very dizzy pony being helped to her hooves. Twilight felt a hoof touch her shoulder. Celestia. She could feel the ornamental shoe.

Twilight: Those must be SO uncomfortable.
Author: It's a "horseshoe"! (Killed by a meteor which had a sudden loathing of author.)

Did I just do that faster than Celestia or Luna could react?

...Excellent.

Author: "Jeopardy, here I come!"
Pinkie Pie: How are you...?
Author: I'm alive. Deal with it.

"Apple- Applejack. A-are you okay, AJ? Did I- did I hurt you?" Twilight's voice was fragile as crystal.

"Ah, uh, woah, my stars. Ah'm okay, Twi'. Dizzier'n a spinnin' top, but Ah'm okay. What jus' happened?"

Rarity: And what did she just say? I don't speak fake southern.

Twilight ground her hooves into her eyes. She spoke in a rush, as if she was afraid that her voice would fail her.

"I just picked you up and threw you at the wall. Then I realised what I was doing and teleported you back. If I hadn't caught you in time... If you had hit the wall... I... I..." Twilight screwed up her face. "I just tried to kill you, Applejack."

Twilight: (Shrugs.) It happens.

There was complete and total silence. Twilight stood up slowly, eyes closed. She felt Celestia right beside her, warm and reassuring. She took a deep breath.

Pinkie Pie: You don't have to breath, take advantage of it!

At least I can sigh properly again.

She sighed.

Author: This is probably the most meaningful work I've ever read. Screw "Heart of Darkness", "Not My Destiny is Where It's At"!

Twilight opened her eyes and looked at her friends.

They're my friends. I can't hurt them.

I don't have to hurt them, I just have to kill them.

I don't want to kill them.

I want to kill them.

"I'm going to kill all of you."

Rarity: At least she's honest.

Every single face in the room was beyond shock.

Pinkie Pie: They're SUPER shocked! Oh, wait, no, they're... ELECTROCUTED!
Twilight: Eventually they're going to become so shocked, they'll start being bored.

Twilight started trembling. She closed her eyes and shuddered for a moment.

The entire library jolted, as if there had been a momentary earthquake. Ponies gasped.

Dust fell from the decoratively-painted ceiling.

Author: Decoratively? In what way? Pictures? Nice paint? Gah, this is going to be bugging me all day!

The lights dimmed.

Her hooves left the floor as she began to levitate. She opened her eyes again and looked at the five targets before her.

Her eyes were blank, white-hot, blazing with infinite power.

Author: I suppose we won't have to check the scouter.

"LUNA!" Celestia screamed.

Pinkie Pie: "DID YOU LEAVE THE CAPS LOCK ON AGAIN?"

Luna spun from her position near the elevated window as Celestia crouched, horn ignited, wings spread, between Twilight and her friends. Leaping into the air, she flew through an arc towards the front door, eyes wide in terror as she passed over the floating form of Twilight Sparkle. Five ponies, and a very surprised baby dragon,

Twilight: I'm assuming it's Spike. I don't think Smayds has once mentioned Spike by his actual name,

were wrenched into the air by Luna's magic. Exclaiming in shock and surprise, they were pulled through the room as Luna blasted the front door into splinters and flew through the opening, tucking her wings in tight. The six friends, now all looking terrified except Spike, who was rolling himself into a tight little ball,

Rarity: Sounds terrified to me.
Author: Okay, is Spike an armadillo or something? Because I thought he was a dragon.

followed along in her wake.

Luna flew higher and faster, calling back over her shoulder to the terrified Bearers.

Author: I guess they're having a "be-
Rarity: Utter a single bear pun and I'll tear your arms off and beat you with them.
Author: -ar"... Beautiful day! That's what I was going to say. (Nervous smile.)

"We must get you away from her! You are all the hope that we have!"

All: (Exchange looks.)
Twilight: They're doomed.

She looked down at the sleepy town below as her trailing entourage shouted questions and made exclamations that she ignored. Soldiers in glinting armour could be seen. They were everywhere. She hoped the Guard had managed to warn every residence in time.

She bellowed one single word in a voice that shook the entire town.

"EVACUATE!"

Pinkie Pie: She wants everpony to go to the bathroom?
________________________________________

Celestia approached Twilight Sparkle. She had stopped levitating and fallen to the floor. She lay still, panting shallowly, her eyes closed.

"Twilight? Twilight, listen to me. You can fight this."

Pinkie Pie: Try an uppercut followed by a hook!

"No," Twilight groaned. Her flanks were rippling.

Author: Believe it or not.

Things were flowing beneath her skin like snakes. They showed through with a deep yellow-white glow. "No, I can't. I'll kill them. I have to kill them. They have to die before... Before I... I can't risk the... The Elements... Can't risk... They'll stop me... And I have to... Have to..."

Rarity: You HAVE to get a cup of water! Seriously, darling, you sound like you've just run a marathon!

Sounds of many hurried hoofsteps were filtering in from the night outside. The guards were doing their duty.

Pinkie Pie: (Snickering.) So was the rest of the town! (Collective groan.)

Celestia looked with sorrow at her former student, now a fellow alicorn, and seemingly beyond her help.

"I don't know what will happen, Twilight. I will try to save you. But you must keep trying to save yourself, too.

Twilight: "You think I'm going to do EVERYTHING around here?

Remember, your will is your own. Your thoughts are not all yours, but what you do with them is."

Author: Thank you, Yoda.

Celestia bowed her head. "And remember, too, that what my mother wrote in the book can be prevented. There are events recorded as inevitable fact that I have averted. The book was written as if no intervention were possible. But we can intervene. We can defeat this!" She placed her hoof on Twilight's shoulder.

Twilight's own hoof slammed on top of hers.

Author: Um... Brohoof?

She whimpered. She shivered.

For many long minutes, they remained silent, Celestia looking with sadness at Twilight, while the latter twitched and occasionally moaned on the floor.

Rarity: "So... Lovely day, isn't it?"

Were the hoofsteps outside getting fainter and further away?

"I... don't..." Twilight whispered.

Celestia bent her young, ancient face close to her former student's. "Twilight?"

"I... don't... want..." Her teeth were grinding with every word.

Twilight: Again, that's really bad for your teeth.

"What don't you want, my beloved Twilight?" Celestia asked softly.

"I... don't... want... to... do... this... but... I'm... going... to... do... it... anyway..."

Pinkie Pie: "BURP! Excuse me!"

Celestia snatched back her hoof.

Twilight stopped panting. Slowly, very slowly, she rose from the floor, three feet, four feet, spinning around gently in the air to face Celestia, who had started backing towards the doorway.

"My will is my own." The voice was not Twilight's. It was almost a snarl. Low. Venomous. Full of danger. "My will is my own."

Author: Oh no! It's a wild Mary Sue, and she won't be satisfied till she angsts everyone to death!

Her wings were thrown wide. Her eyes flicked open. Two blazing orbs of pure white light bored into Celestia.

Rarity: And bored the readers, but that's not important.

Celestia threw a holding spell around Twilight.

Twilight: Um, you're supposed to cast spells, not throw them.

She felt the immense tug of power as Twilight unconsciously tried to empty her of magic. It would strengthen the spell considerably. Even so, it would only hold for moments, but she had to buy time, and she needed every second.

Rarity: Quick! Ask the neighbors for some spare bits!

She whirled and bolted through the door, taking to the air immediately. Suddenly, the night sky above her flared, then extinguished into deepest black. She did not pause to wonder why.

Pinkie Pie: Yeah, I guess it wasn't that exciting.

Hovering high in the air above the library tree, she surveyed the streets of Ponyville.

Twilight: Celestia has a major in architecture.

There were still far too many ponies making their way out of the town. Summoning her seldom-used Voice,

Author: She's a dovahkiin?

she filled her lungs. She didn't like using it on her subjects, but right now, she had no choice.

"EVERYPONY! THIS IS YOUR PRINCESS! RUN! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Author: "Fus-ro-RUN!"

FLEE! GET AWAY FROM PONYVILLE, NOW! RUN! RUN! DO NOT LOOK BACK! DO NOT LOOK BACK! RUN! RUN! RUN NOW! AS FAST AS -"

Author: "Yor-tul-SHOOR!"

The Ponyville Public Library exploded into a gigantic, roiling, violent fireball. Celestia was knocked, tumbling, upwards and slightly to the side. She caught herself and dived for the ground.

Vast chunks of flaming tree were falling around her. The nearby shops and houses had been blasted flat.

Twilight: I guess they're considered "flats" now. (Claps a hoof over her mouth.) OHMYGOSH! Did I really just make that pun?
Author: I'm so proud of you.
Twilight: This story is so out of character that it's making ME act out of character!

Some of them, too, were starting to burn.

As the enormous fireball began to cool and darken high above, she beat her wings and cautiously approached the fiercely-burning pit where the magnificent old tree had once stood.

Pinkie pie: Good thing Fluttershy isn't here. She'd be heartbroken!

Something was rising from the blazing inferno.

Author: Disco?

Something hotter and brighter than the fire itself.

Pinkie Pie: Twilight, how'd you fit the sun in your house?

Its coat was sun-white, its eyes blood-red, its mane and tail were roaring sheets of yellow-orange flame.

Author: It's ponyta!

Two great wings spread wide from its shoulders. The horn on its forehead was very long, and very sharp. It looked at Celestia with death in its eyes as it rose slowly into the air.

The Thing opened its jaws.

Author: And called out for the rest of the Fantastic Four.

Rows and rows of jagged, uneven teeth.

Twilight: You see? THAT'S what happens when you grind your teeth all the time!

A gaping maw of horror. It was smiling at Celestia. A terrible, world-ending smile.

The Thing moved. Faster than lightning, those hundreds of teeth had closed around Celestia's neck.

Rarity: I'd actually be concerned if it wasn't for the fact she's immortal.
Author: Alright, that's the end of the chapter. Anyone want some kettle corn?
Pinkie Pie: I'd love some!
Author: Okay, let's see here, just pop it in the microwave and-
(The microwave explodes, and something hotter than hell and more sinister than Nixon rises from the inferno.)
The Other Thing: (In a squeaky voice.) I am Kenny, the evil kettle corn demon! The world shall burn as I will it, and all life shall perish as I incinerate all the poor fools that- (Author eats it.)
Twilight: How'd it taste?
Author: Meh. Needs some butter.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We've got break sign!

Author: I've been thinking...
Rarity: There's a first time for everything.
Author: ... I've been thinking, and it just occurred to me why Twilight flipped out.
Twilight: Wasn't it because of the Lunacy?
Author: That's what I thought at first too. But consider this... After Twilight had BREAKFAST, did she stretch?
Rarity: Now that I think about it...
Pinkie Pie: (Gasps.) It's so clear now! Everything makes sense!
Author: See? Every plot hole has been accounted for.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We've got story sign!

---

Not My Destiny

Pinkie Pie: My destiny's purple, this one's green!

by Smayds

Author: Brand turkey-dogs.

Chapter 9 - Nightmares

Twilight: A little late on the title, I've already been having nightmares about this story.

Luna swept down to a graceful landing far inside the specially-prepared hideaway.

Rarity: "Sister, did you remember the can opener?"
Author: "Crap, I knew I forgot something!"

She lowered her wind-swept charges gently to the floor of the cave.

Author: Where they exploded.
Rarity: I beg your pardon?
Author: You know, charges. As in dynamite? Nevermind...

Rainbow Dash was shaking her wings out. "Can somepony PLEASE tell me what the BUCK just happened?!"

Pinkie Pie: Looks like somepony was fiddling with the caps lock again!

She was glaring at Luna with a little more hostility than was strictly allowed,

Twilight: Protocol states that only 20% intensity is allowed.

but Luna didn't care. There were far more important things than royal protocol right now.

Author: Like finding a good movie to watch while the apocalypse was going on around them.

"Twilight Sparkle has embraced The Lunacy. It has been poisoning her thoughts for weeks, and she has succumbed. Wait!" she said, seeing the looks of despair.

Pinkie Pie: "Don't worry! I bought some pumpkin pie on the way here, so there's no need to despair!"

"Celestia and I have a plan. We have not told Twilight Sparkle of this. The Night Mare... Well.

Rarity: Nightmare Well?! Not Nightmare Well!

Whatever Twilight Sparkle is now, she retains her old memories. We could not risk her knowing of this plan, though she seems to have guessed an essential part. She wants to kill you to stop you from using the Elements of Harmony against her."

From amidst a sea of shocked and worried expressions, Fluttershy walked up to the Princess of the Night. "Can we save Twilight?"

Author: I'm sorry, Fluttershy. The second that book was published, it was far too late to save it.

she asked, not a flicker of fear or shyness in her voice or on her face.

Author: Damn! What bad-ass replaced Fluttershy between chapters?

Luna frowned down at the yellow pegasus. "I am not sure, Miss Fluttershy. We will do anything that can be done to save Equestria." She looked up. "I must return. A battle may shortly take place, and I must help." The briefest flicker of terror crossed her face, but was quickly dispelled. "There is food and water, plus comfortable bedding. Please, do not leave this cave. It is a sheer drop outside, and the entrance is difficult to see. Celestia or myself will return as soon as we possibly can. Do NOT leave the cave!" she shot at Rainbow Dash, who

Twilight: Died from blood loss.

looked defiant. "We cannot risk Twilight Sparkle finding this place. Not only are you here," she said, pointing with a silver-shod hoof at a small, plain-looking wooden chest set up against one of the rough walls, "but also the Elements that each of you bear."

Rarity: Considering the Elements are sitting in a chest, that means none of the mare actually "bearing" them.

"The Elements of Harmony are here?" Rarity exclaimed, walking over to the chest and magicking the lid open. Five beautiful necklaces gleamed back at her from inside.

Rarity: "I.. I can't do it! The colors, they... CLASH!"

"Do not put them on. They, and you, must be kept safe for the moment. Twilight Sparkle may be able to sense your whereabouts if they are activated." Rarity slammed the lid of the box and muffled a gasp. "If Twilight Sparkle finds either you or the Elements, Equestria will be lost.

Pinkie Pie: "And there's no. Map."
Other three: "Ahhh!"

Celestia has the Element of Magic. We are going to try to force it onto Twilight Sparkle when we have you all with us, and hope that the magic of the Elements does the rest."

Author: Best plan ever; try shit and hope that it works. Awesome.

"So, you and Princess Celestia are going to try to capture her?" Fluttershy asked. "And then you'll come and get us?"

"We will certainly try." A look of hopeless terror momentarily clouded the alicorn's eyes.

Twilight: I'm getting the impression that Princess Luna isn't very confident.

"Her powers may be beyond us, and if so, the world will end. We will surely try. Now," she added sternly, "stay here, stay hidden, all of you. One or both of us will return. I must go. I have no more time!"

Pinkie Pie: "If the world ends, you'll know something went wrong!"

Ignoring the clamouring protests, she wheeled and flew back up towards the cave entrance.

Rarity: And bumped into it, since it was particularly well hidden.
________________________________________

Luna couldn't possibly think of how she would help in the battle that surely awaited her. Twilight Sparkle would simply have to look at her, and she would flee. She could not face The Lunacy. The fear... The fear was far too great.

Twilight: Geez, Luna. Pessimists are more positive than you!
Author: Hell, NBC news is more positive than you!

Were she to still have the powers of The Night Mare, she might be able to do something. But those powers were gone. Too dark to begin with. And completely gone.

Rarity: Did she mention they were gone?

She could get them back...

If she succumbed...

She had no jealousy left in her.

Author: Can you refill at the gas station?

Her little ponies loved and enjoyed the night she made. They honoured her with one of their most beloved nights of celebration.

Author: Arbor Day?

Were she to fall to jealousy again... Even if she triumphed, would she not just try, once again, to bring forth eternal night? No. Too dangerous. Far too dangerous.

Pinkie Pie: I suppose eternal night IS worse than the apocalypse.

And utterly impossible. She felt not a scrap of jealousy, not over anything.

Author: Except maybe Celestia's autographed photo of Lil' Wayne.

Fear. She had fear. Fear for The Lunacy. She could fall to her fear, but how would that help? She would be afraid, far too afraid to do anything. She would run. She would probably use her dark powers to run to the moon and hide.

Twilight: And she didn't use those dark powers to get to the moon and contact Twilight because...?

But Twilight Sparkle could teleport to the moon unaided. And now... The Lunacy would follow her there, and find her in her terror. She could not fall to her fear.

Was there any hope?

Author: Episode four, but that would be your last.

Yes...

She hated The Lunacy. Far more powerful than her fear was her hatred for the thing that had taken her will, had made her overthrow and imprison her sister, had made her bring about her first fruitless attempt at endless night. She hated it. She could face it in hatred. She wouldn't be a risk to Equestria. She hated only The Lunacy.

Did she?

Luna examined her soul as she flew towards Ponyville.

Pinkie Pie: She should really wipe off that pizza stain she'd gotten on it!

Besides The Lunacy, what did she hate?

Nothing. Hate was not in her nature. She was not born to hate. She was born to love, care, guide, rule.

Author: I think that's Hasbro speaking.

But not to hate. The only hate she felt was for The Lunacy.

She could do this... To save Equestria... She would do this.

Luna released her instinctive alicorn restraint and began examining her darkest emotion. She let it seethe and boil.

Rarity: Then add some margarine after three minutes, then stir, adding a pinch of oregano every half a minute for another three minutes.

Hate.

She hated The Lunacy.

Hated what it was doing to Twilight Sparkle.

Hated what it wanted to do to Equestria.

Twilight: Hated how it created a story that four, unfortunate riffers have to sit through.

Hated what it had done to her, most of all.

Luna concentrated very hard on just how much she hated this monster.

Deeper and blacker and colder than the lowest pit of Hell, a hatred to crack the very world rose through her, consumed her.

Pinkie Pie: She was delicious! Nice recipe, Rarity!
Rarity: Why thank you.

Transformed her.

Author: (Singing) Transformers, ponies in disguise.

The night sky flashed brilliant white to match her unquenchable fury, then the moon and the stars winked out, leaving only a blackness above as profound as the hatred in her heart.

Twilight: I wouldn't really describe that as "profound"...

Straight ahead, a distant fireball blossomed into the sky. She streaked towards it with the strong, powerful beating of wings as dark as the night around her.
________________________________________

Four best friends sat facing each other in the gloom, the one solitary lamp brightening their moods as much as the cave.

Author: "So... Anyone want to play Apples to Apples?"

Fluttershy was off in a corner seeing to Spike. The little dragon seemed to have come out of his shock for the most part, and he and the buttercup-yellow pegasus were talking quietly together.

Author: They were discussing the works of Chris Brown.

"This is hopeless," Rarity said. "Hopeless. Princess Luna thinks it's hopeless. Did you see the look on her face?"

Rarity: Forget that, did you read the description of the look on her face?

"Yep, Ah did. Don't rightly know what ter do about it, though. Ah hope Big Mac got Granny and Applebloom away okay." Applejack shook her head sadly. "Ah wish Ah wuz with them. Ah wish we were all together. All mah family, and all mah friends."

Pinkie Pie: "Ah ahlways ahought to ahang ahround the ahouse, in cahse this ahppens." Hooray! I can do a southern accent too!

Pinkie Pie seemed to have gone into shock, her poofy mane looking ready to collapse at any moment. Her family was far from Ponyville, but this, right here, was the only fear that the otherwise impossibly-cheerful pink earth pony could never face. The loss of a friend.

Twilight: Whoa, we're getting back to the whole "Pinkie Pie can't stand losing a friend" sub-plot? I thought we abandoned that five chapters ago.

The last two weeks had been bad enough on her, but with what was going on now... She choked out a sob

Pinkie Pie: (Chocking noise, followed by the sound of hocking something up.) Don't worry, I'm okay! I just got a pesky sob stuck in my throat!

as her chin slumped all the way to the floor.

Rainbow Dash didn't have anything to say. She was a pony of action, not used to just sitting around on her butt and letting everypony else have all the fun. Then she realised that there might not be anything less fun than whatever was going on back in Ponyville, her adopted home.

Author: Bah! Back where I come from, you have to BUY a home!

She'd moved there, just like Twilight, and she'd found friends there, also just like Twilight. And now one of the best friends she would ever have was... What? Fighting the Princesses? She shook her head.

Twilight: "No, that's not it... Maybe they're playing limbo?"

Over in the far corner, Fluttershy stood up, nodding with thanks at the baby dragon.

"Good luck. You're gonna need it," he said worriedly.

Author: How very clever of Fluttershy...
Rarity: What?
Author: Everyone knows that when the plan is explained to the readers it never works. This means it's going to work flawlessly as long as she doesn't explain it.

The yellow pegasus turned around and walked away from Spike, who looked like he was curling up for a nap. She headed straight towards her childhood friend, the most reckless pony she'd ever met.

Pinkie Pie: Me?

Fluttershy was feeling reckless too.

"Rainbow Dash? Let's go. We've got a job to do."

Twilight: "I promised Mrs. Cake I'd tend to her flowers before the apocalypse came about."
________________________________________

Celestia slammed through the side of the quaint town cottage. Before the rubble had even started to fall, she burst up through the still-collapsing roof and seized the Thing around its neck with all of her considerable magical might. The monster sucked and pulled at her spell, strengthening it beyond measure.

Rarity: Strengthening the spell, or strengthening itself?

The scattered and broken wreckage of the town began to smoke and flame from the sheer magical force she was exerting. Gasping with the effort required to maintain such an immensely-powerful spell, she managed to choke out "Twilight! Please! Fight it, fight it!"

Pinkie Pie: Wow, she choked out a lot of words!

The whole world twisted as her telekinetic grip was broken as easily as spider-silk.

Twilight: Um, actually, spider silk is stronger than steel.

White-hot tendrils of fire snaked around her, crushed her, held her immovable.

Rarity: So... Nopony could move her...?

The Thing had her, had her in an obscene parody of a lover's embrace. She felt hot teeth grate her cheek. The Thing hissed into her ear. Its voice, harsh and cold as the roots of a mountain, almost stopped her heart.

Author: "IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!"

"Twilight Sparkle is dead. As is Equestria. As are YOU!

Rarity: Actually, all three are alive and well. Do you want to try you epic line again?

WHERE ARE THE BEARERS?!"

Sudden vicious lashes of deepest midnight ripped and clawed at the Thing.

Twilight: Considering that midnight is intangible and merely a concept, this did absolutely nothing.

Celestia wrenched herself free from the weakening grip, spun, kicked the monster with the force of thunder.

Author: Chuck Celestia's roundhouse kick.

Then, a gentle hoof on her shoulder. A smooth, silky, confident voice. A voice she hadn't heard for more than ten centuries.

Rarity: Um... Wasn't Nightmare Moon released about a year or two ago?
Pinkie Pie: Princess Celestia wasn't around during that, silly!

"Please, Big Sister. Allow me."

Night Mare Moon launched herself at the Thing with all the power of a thousand years of hatred.

Without stopping to even ask herself how Luna had done it, Celestia turned and flew to the main bridge out of town to shepherd the evacuation personally.

Twilight: Leaving her sister to fight for herself? Smooth.

Vice-like blazing fire wrapped around Night Mare Moon, and she felt herself spun upwards, around, over the top of the Thing which held her. It slammed her down. She smashed into a two-level house with enough

Rarity: Kitschy furniture to fill a castle.

force to shatter it into dust. She roared up out of the shallow crater she had made,

Pinkie Pie: "You made me chip a hoof!"

forcing the white-hot fingers off her hide with her own tendrils of blue.

Twilight: Can't they just all hold magical appendages and get along?

Darting forwards out of the slackened hold, she grabbed the monster's face with a cloud of blackish-blue magic, and twisted, hard, down and to the side, then let go. The Thing spun down, colliding with a windmill. It vanished, thrashing, inside the structure.

Author: If this story was awesome, Petey Piranha would be inside.

Night Mare Moon grabbed the large pavilion in the centre of the town square. She pulled, strained, tore the building from the ground. Flourishing it high, she smashed it down onto the collapsing, burning windmill with the force of a furious demon.

The wreckage exploded into fire, a white-hot blur shooting from deep inside the ruin, heading straight towards her at impossible speed.

Rarity: Then how'd she do it?

She used her magic to move aside rapidly,

Twilight: I'd think you wouldn't need magic to move, but that's just me.

pivoted in the air, and whipped a hold around the slathering muzzle that was passing her by at thousands of miles per hour.

Rarity: That speed is very much in the realm of possible.

She called upon all of her strength,

Pinkie Pie: "Hey strength, I'm having a party and wanted to know if you'd like to come?!"

and pulled.

The Thing, caught in its charge, flipped up behind the straining Night Mare Moon. She spun it up and back over her head, flinging it to the ground as hard as she could. It landed with an explosion of dirt, rock, fire and snarls. She didn't wait for it to get back up. She began seizing the largest, heaviest-looking, most solidly-built cottages and houses and shops and anything else she could see, spinning them around and around herself to build up their speed, then slamming them, one after another, onto the creature that she hated with all of her being.

Author: On a different note, rebuilding Ponyville is going to be a bitch of a job!

The entire enormous pile of rubble and wreckage flew up into the air. She danced to the side.

Pinkie Pie: She tangoed out of the way!

It spontaneously ignited into white-yellow flames, staying together in one rough, huge ball,

Author: That's the way I like my balls! (Shot in the head by Twilight with a grenade launcher.) I... regret... nothing!

then flew at her too fast for her to avoid. Suddenly glowing sunshine-gold, it was snatched from the air in front of her, swung through a wide arc, and smashed into the once-again airborne Thing with a collision that shattered the few remaining windows in the ruined, burning town.

Celestia had returned. Everypony must be safely away from Ponyville.

Twilight: Aren't you certain? You're the writer, you should know if everyponys safe!

"Take the left! Get it! Hold it!" Night Mare Moon shouted, as she flew to the right through the still-falling wreckage.

Pinkie Pie: Geez, so demanding!
________________________________________

"An' jus' where in the hay do ya think yer GOIN'?!" Applejack said heatedly. "We gotta stay in this here cave 'til the Princesses come an' get us!"

"There's something we have to do," Fluttershy said impatiently. "We have to

Twilight: "Pick up some milk."

save Twilight."

"We ARE savin' Twilight. Ya CAN'T leave," Applejack protested.

"We have to."

Rarity: "You're awkward southern drawl is physically injuring us."

"Alright then, we're all comin' with ya!"

"You can't come," Fluttershy said. "You, Rarity and Pinkie have to stay here. You can't fly. We've got a long way to go and we'll be flying fast."

"Where are we going?" asked Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy ignored her.

Author: Wow, Fluttershy is being an ass in this seen! I hereby dub her... "Flutterass".

"If you leave," Rarity said, "Twilight might find you. She... I can't believe she ever would, but she might hurt you. She... she did hurt you, Fluttershy dear, remember?"

"I'm not ever likely to forget it!" Fluttershy was starting to raise her voice.

Twilight: Hey, calm down Fluttershy! No reason to resort to awkward sentence structures!

This was so unlike her, everypony took a small step back - a small flap back, in Dash's case. "It was MY fault that Twilight lost her temper! It was MY fault that she said the things she did! It was MY fault that she blew up the spa and ripped my bucking wing off! And it was MY FAULT that she RAN AWAY TO THE MOON! MY FAULT! NOT HER FAULT! I LET MY FRIEND DOWN!"

Pinkie Pie: So... Who's fault was it?
Twilight, Rarity, and Author: Shh!

The other ponies were backing away in earnest now. Fluttershy was starting to get very, very angry.

"She wanted to spend time with me, but I was scared of her. SCARED! Of a FRIEND! Some friend I turned out to be! Well, I'm going to make up for that! Come ON, Rainbow Dash! We're leaving!" She turned to go.

Author: Huh... Did Fluttershy, uh, read our riff from last chapter?

"Fluttershy, wait! Where are we going?" Dash was as surprised and confused as she'd ever been.

"Luna said it herself!" Fluttershy was starting to stamp her rear hooves in agitation.

Rarity: Her front hooves were perfectly calm.

"She doesn't think she and Celestia are strong enough to catch or stop Twilight! So they need help!"

"Help?" Dash was almost afraid to ask.

Pinkie Pie: But she did! What a twist!

Fluttershy scrunched her eyes and pinched the bridge of her muzzle in frustration.

All: ... With what?

"What's the only magical creature in all of Equestria that's as strong as an alicorn?!"

"Oh, no way. No way, Fluttershy. You can't be serious. NO! WAY!"

"Spike told me where to start looking."

Twilight: Under the rug.

The faintest hint of her Stare glinted in her burning turquoise eyes. "Come on, Rainbow Dash, and try to keep up. We're gonna go catch some dragons."

Author: Capcom presents; Monster Hunter FlutterTri.
________________________________________

The two sides were too evenly matched. The two sisters together could equal the ferocity of the Thing. The Thing could equal them. They slowly circled each other in the hot, turbulent night air. Celestia and Night Mare Moon kept their distance from the monster that regarded them now with a mixture of superiority and contempt. The bright, flickering orange glow from the ruins beneath sent vast shadows into the starless sky above the three alicorns.

Stalemate.

"Very well," said the Thing.

Author: "Would either of you like to take a break? Maybe we could stop by Dairy Queen or something. Being a flaming monstrosity makes you REALLY thirsty."

"I am forced to make some greater threat. You," it spat.

All: Ew.

A lance of white-hot flame stabbed out, faster than a lightning bolt. Night Mare Moon danced sideways to avoid it.

Pinkie Pie: She MAMBOED out of the way!

"You desired Eternal Night. You shall have it." The towering flames surrounding it roared from bright yellow-orange to violent blue.

Twilight: Blue is possibly one of the least violent colors I can think of.

"Bring me the Bearers, alive or dead, here, one hour, or I shall destroy the sun."

It twisted a roaring, spinning fireball around itself, then vanished with a concussion of light.

Rarity: Can lights get a concussion?
Pinkie Pie: I hope it's okay!
Author: I hope my sanity's okay... Let's take a break. I think i have some Dairy Queen leftover in my fridge...

---

(All are munching on ice cream.)
Rarity: Exactly how long has this ice cream been in here?
Author: Dunno. It's May now, and... How many months ago was August?
(Twilight and Rarity begin to spit out the ice cream.)
Pinkie Pie: Well I think it's delicious!
(Twilight and Rarity exchange glances, before continuing to brush off their tongues.)
Author: You know, I've gotta admit, Fluttershy is freaking awesome in this story! She's all gung-ho!
Rarity: (Still getting the bad taste out of her mouth.) Sounds a little... bleh... Out of character.
Author: You're missing the point. Bad ass Fluttershy. Is. AWESOME. And she has a reason for being so.
Pinkie Pie: At least my character will be just as flushed out right? Right?
Author: Um... Hey, it's the story sign!
Pinkie Pie: I don't hear any!
Author: Dash, awkward situation! Help!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Right, on it!
(Buzzers sound.)
All: We've got story sign!

Not My Destiny

Rarity: If it isn't yours, and it isn't mine, then... Whose is it?
Pinkie Pie: It's a MYSTERY!

by Smayds

Author: Brand relish.

Chapter 10 - Planned and Unplanned

Author: The best laid plans of writer and riffer...

With a small burst of light, Twilight Sparkle appeared near the top of one of the many craggy mountains to the south of her adopted home. She sat down on the rough stony ground and stared at what she had done. Ponyville. Her home. Far more of a home than Canterlot had ever been. She and Celestia and Night Mare Moon - where had she come from? - had destroyed it, every building, every structure.

Twilight: (Shrugs.) It happens.

The fires were mostly burned out now.

She was amazed that the fight had lasted as long as it had. She'd been constantly trying to run, to stop, to shout a warning, anything. Holding back her magic while trying to use it. Attacking her former mentor while desperately trying not to do so. And then, that threat! How could she possibly destroy the sun?! And why?!

Author: All answers will be revealed next time on... Pony Ball Z!

And what reason in all Equestria had she to threaten anypony with anything?! It was all so frustrating!

Rarity: Trust me, dear, this is but a mere taste of what the readers have been going through.

Ruffling and refolding her wings at her sides, she watched the two other alicorns, mere specks at this distance, flying rapidly away to the east. She sighed. She didn't want to know where they were going. Yes she did. No she didn't. Yes, she did.

Pinkie Pie: Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself...

"I hope everypony got away from the town okay," she said aloud.

"Why am I worried about that?" she replied to herself. "I'm going to kill them all anyway."

"I don't want to kill ANYPONY!"

"But of course I do," she reminded herself. "It's all I've ever wanted to do."

Rarity: No offense, Twilight, but you make an absolutely atrocious conversationalist.
Twilight: Oh, that's only when I talk to myself.

"No, no, I want to be Celestia's student! I want to study hard and make her proud of me and when I've learned everything I can I want to just live a nice quiet life with my friends and work in the library and maybe one day meet a handsome stallion and maybe get married and maybe even have little colts and fillies and then I can teach them everything I know and they'll be so smart and my friends will have their own beautiful little foals and we'll all live together just so happily for as long as we can and we'll get to watch them grow up into pretty and handsome young ponies and then -"

All: DEEP. BREATH.

"I've never wanted any of that. All I want to do is just get on with this task of destroying the world. It's all I've ever wanted to do."

"I've NEVER wanted to do that!"

Author: "Oh. Really? because all this time I could've sworn you wanted to destroy the world."

"I've wanted it for thousands of years."

This was a very strange thought for Twilight to think. She knew it was absolutely true. It was a completely undeniable fact that for thousands and thousands of years she'd wanted nothing more than to tear the world apart.

"But I just had my nineteenth birthday. Just a couple of months ago. In Canterlot. With my friends."

Pinkie Pie: Behold! It is now canon!

She had no answer to this.

Author: "Oh, uh... I hadn't really thought about that. Any chance we could start from the top?"

"So," she asked herself, very slowly and deliberately, "if I've been wanting something for thousands of years, and I'm not even twenty years old yet..."

Twilight: Yes! Logic! Save this story, please!

"DO IT!" she shouted to herself, leaping to her hooves, her mane and tail igniting into roaring sheets of flame. "NOW! I MUST DO IT NOW! FORGET THE ELEMENTS, FORGET...!" The fire was just as quickly extinguished as she sat back down.

"I'm not me, am I?"

All: HELL NO!

A pause. Then, slowly, "of course I'm me. Who else would I be?"

Rarity: Derpy?
Twilight: Fluttershy?
Pinkie Pie: Me?
Author: OOC?

"I don't think I am."

"But that's silly. How could I not be me?"

"Because I've got The Lunacy in my head, and I can't tell my thoughts from its thoughts."

She didn't reply to this.

"You've been inside my mind for weeks, suggesting, twisting... Making me try to kill my friends..."

Twilight: I can't tell if she's just figured that out, or if she's giving a recap of what we already know. In either case, my reaction is thus. (Twilight facehooves.)

"The Lunacy's in my head, but it can't control me. It's waiting for me to control it. It can't control my thoughts. It can only whisper ideas and suggestions to me. And I can ignore those ideas and suggestions, because they're not mine. So this thing I'm doing, killing my friends so the Elements can't be used, that's all my idea. And I want to do it."

Rarity: "And so do you... I mean us... I mean me... I- You know what? Can we take this from the top, I am just EXHAUSTED today!"

"I don't want to do it. And I DO think it can affect my thoughts."

"No, I don't think so. All my thoughts really are my thoughts. I mean, this thought right now. That's my thought."

No it isn't.

"NO!" Twilight's eyes screwed up, her mouth twisting into a snarl. "I'VE WAITED TOO LONG FOR THIS!"

Pinkie Pie: "I haven't had a chance to snarl for FAR TOO LONG!"

With teeth and fear and hate and bloodlust, Night Mare Flare

All: (Collective groan at the name.)
Author: When Night Mare Flare gets up in the morning and can't get her mane quite right, she's "Night Mare Hair"! (Pummeled into the ground by Rarity and Twilight.)
Pinkie pie: (Giggling.) You're funny, author. (Author gives her a weak thumbs up.)

roared into the sky with flames erupting all around her. She flew straight up, thousands and thousands of feet high, leaving a blazing trail in the pitch-black night sky. She slowed. Paused.

Author. Grabbed some popcorn. Pressed play.

Turned.

Headed straight down again towards the top of the mountain she'd just left.

She covered the two miles in just a fraction of a second. If she had been a pegasus, a thousand Rainbooms would have followed in her hypersonic wake.

Twilight: I don't know why they wouldn't have formed just because she's not a pegasus.

She hit with enough force to blast the top two hundred feet of mountain into blazing molten fragments.

Rarity: Aw, now who's going to pick up all the pieces.

A large, graceful, lavender winged unicorn burst from the flaming, steaming ruins, horn blazing bright magenta and gold. She couldn't teleport, for her magic was busy elsewhere. She pivoted in the air, flying fast on large alicorn wings, heading straight towards the remains of Ponyville, smashing right through the thousands of rocks and boulders and glowing smears of molten rock that filled the air, all of her willpower focused on just one thing. She mustn't stop thinking about it. Just that one thing. Somewhere in the deserted, smashed, smoldering town before her, she would surely be able to find just one piece of relatively-unburned parchment or paper or even cardboard or...

Pinkie Pie: Papyrus?
Author: I read somewhere you can make great paper out of Pony skin. you just-
Rarity and Twilight: Stop.

Her mane flared into flames for a moment, then back into flowing sheets of indigo smoke.

Author: Ello. My name is Indigo Montoya. You extinguished my fire. Prepare to die.

Don't... stop... thinking... about... it...

Pinkie Pie: "Shoot, I lost the game!"
________________________________________

Celestia swept down the long, winding cave within the cliffs under Canterlot. She saw a faint glow from around a bend up ahead. Slowing down and gently flapping to the floor, she walked in on a heated argument.

Rarity: At least it was warm in that cave.

"We gotta go after 'em! This is silly an' crazy an' jus' downright dangerous! Can't think of what's gotten inter Fluttershy!"

Author: I'm sure all the clopfics know!
Twilight: Are we going to have to violently strangle you?
Author: I'll be good...

"But if we can't get out, I mean, if you need wings to get down from the cave, then -"

"Oooh! Rarity! Can you teleport?"

"Me? Teleport?! You ARE crazy, Pinkie Pie!

Rarity, Twilight, and Author: What else is new?
Pinkie Pie: Hey!
Rarity: Do you deny it?
Pinkie Pie: No. I just wanted to yell "hey" randomly.

Of course I can't teleport! Precious few unicorns ever manage to teleport!"

"Well, Ah'm still gonna go have me a looksee. Maybe there's a way down without - Oh. Howdy, Princess."

"What has happened?" Celestia asked, concern crossing her forehead.

Author: Is there a "Concern Crossing" sign up there?

She could only see three ponies.

Twilight: Oh no! The Princess has gone blind in her left eye!

Applejack, Rarity and Pinkie Pie were looking at the alicorn that had just landed behind Celestia with horror. They started to back away.

"No!" Night Mare Moon called. "You have nothing to fear!"

Rarity: Do you really think that's going to work after Nightmare Night?
Twilight: Wait, Rarity... How do you know about Nightmare Night? You weren't there.
Rarity: Oh, I was there. Let's just say I had a... Very convincing costume.

The three little ponies disagreed. They turned and fled further down into the cave at a full gallop.

"I'll get them, Little Sister," Celestia said, galloping off herself with her horn blazing the way.

Night Mare Moon sat down with a huff. Reminding herself very pointedly that her hate was only for The Lunacy, she stifled a growl and breathed deeply and slow. She couldn't blame them, really. Even that Thing had seemed surprised to see her.

With the soft clopping of nervous hooves approaching from her right, she remained seated, kept her wings tightly furled, and bunched her magic mane in as closely as she could. Looking away, she said softly,

Twilight: In the royal Canterlot voice.

"I am not the Night Mare Moon who tried to bring eternal night, my little ponies."

Rarity: I'm the Night Mare Moon that's trying to bring about eternal mid-afternoon."

"We, uh, we know, um, yer Highness. We're sorry," Applejack said in a voice composed of equal parts wonder and terror. "Ah mean, you're still Princess Luna. A-and we know you'd never... you'd never hurt anypony."

Author: Well, all except for flaming monstrosities, but I guess those don't count.

"I just spent most of the last hour trying very hard to do just that to your friend Twilight Sparkle."

Author: See?

She stood up, the three ponies flinching slightly. "Celestia and myself have not spoken since the end of the battle. We wished to include you in our discussion. But I believe we may have a problem. We are missing two ponies."

Pinkie Pie: Did you check behind the fridge? Sometimes my cupcakes get stuck back there!

"Where are Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy?" Celestia asked. She sat down and looked very closely at the three remaining Bearers.

"They... they left," Rarity whispered.

"And we don't know where they went!" Pinkie Pie said, sadness and loneliness all over her face.

Rarity: Here's a handkerchief, Pinkie Pie, try to wipe that off.

"They said we couldn't come, because we can't fly! And they left, and then we started arguing! We were gonna go after them, to see where they'd gone off to in such a rush, but -"

"Of course you were going to," Celestia said with a smile. "Do you know why they left?"

Twilight: I want to know before I THRASH THEM for disobeying me.

"Fluttershy said Spike told 'er where to find dragons," Applejack said, gesturing with a hoof. "He won't wake up. Ah've tried. And it don't make no sense. Fluttershy was powerful angry jus' before she and Rainbow Dash left, and that ain't like her at all. And she's so scared a' dragons, she normally jus' curls up and squeaks!"

Author: Based on what I've seen so far in this story, I think she has the Lunacy.
Twilight: Ehem?
Author: Oh, sorry, The Lunacy.

"Dragons?" Celestia stood and walked over to Spike. She nudged him with a hoof, then crouched down, her face very close to his. "Spike," she said softly. "Spike, it's Princess Celestia. Wake up please, Spike."

The baby dragon snuffled and grunted, but continued to snore softly.

"Cover your ears, please," Celestia said over her shoulder.

All: (Slap hands and hooves over ears.)

She turned back to the baby dragon. Things were far too important to be polite.

Author: "Fus-Roh-"

"SPIKE!" Celestia roared with the power of her Voice.

A green-and-purple blur bounced off the ceiling.

Author: Nothing like a game of Pin-Spike.

Celestia caught him with her magic, stopping him from hitting the floor, and held him up.

"Pruh-Pruh-Pruh-Princess?!"

Pinkie Pie: No, silly, it's Princess Celestia! Not Pruh-Pruh-Pruh-Princess!

"I'm sorry about that, Spike, I really am. But we needed to wake you up. Just to clear this up first, Princess Luna doesn't look quite like herself at the moment." She spun the little dragon in the air to face her sister.

Author: FIGHT!

"N-NN-NNNNNNNN-"

Rarity: What'd he say?
Pinkie Pie: Something about sushi.

"No, Spike. Not Night Mare Moon. Luna. Technically. Now, if I might ask you something?"

"Uh, okay, uh, sure, I guess?"

Twilight: Wow, he's nonchalant about this.

Spike kept shooting glances at the tall, spooky-looking Royal Princess.

"Where are Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash?"

"Oh." Spike looked nervous. "Fluttershy, uh, well, she wanted to find some dragons."

"Yes. And I hear that you told her where to look for them?"

Spike nodded.

"And just where would that be, exactly?"

Rarity: "Actually, they live right next door.

Celestia was smiling despite the urgency of the situation.

Spike choked. He retched. His eyes bulged. He belched a cloud of smoke and green flame which swirled for a moment and then, with a pop, flashed into a torn, charred piece of paper.

Twilight: Wow. Is spitting out the letter THAT bad? I feel awful now!

Nopony, and nodragon, seemed to be breathing

Author: And they all died from asphyxiation. The end!
Rarity: Author! That's horrible!
Author: Oh, I'm so sorry! I meant everybody except the alicorns, who don't need to breathe.

as Celestia levitated it and read its contents aloud, which seemed to have been hurriedly scratched with a burnt splinter of wood.

Twilight: "Yeah... I can't read this."
Pinkie Pie: There's a reason why Spike writes all of Twilight's letters!
Twilight: Hey!

i can control it i know
where it hides itself in my
mind maybe i can stop it try
the elements get my friends
it will come back when I have
to use magic to send this

"It could be a trick," Night Mare Moon said.

"But it probably isn't. We've got that deadline," Celestia reminded her big little sister.

Twilight: Deadline?
Author: Of course! If they don't beat Twilight before 4:30 P.M., then they won't be able to claim their dry cleaning!
Rarity: Oh no! That's AWFUL!

"We did wonder about this. How it found her so fast. How she started to believe its thoughts were her own."

"Uh, beg pardon, Princess?" Celestia turned to look at Applejack. "Deadline? Did you say 'deadline'?"

"Just one moment, please, Applejack. Spike," she said, turning to the nervous dragon, "Did you send her to the Great Northern Caverns, to Shale Gully, or to the Termagant Range?"

Twilight: "None of them. I don't think any of those places exist."

"Termagant Range. They're closest. Fluttershy told me to tell you that even though you'd be mad at her, she thought she was doing the right thing. You know, extra muscle?"

"Why, in the name of everything that we stand for, did we not think of the dragons?!" Night Mare Moon exclaimed.

Celestia shook her head. "You know they would never agree to help us."

Author: Place your bets, who thinks that dragons are going to end up helping in a final battle? (Everypony raises their hand.) These betting pools are so boring...

"But when faced with the destruction of the world?!" The silver-armoured midnight-black alicorn was stamping a front hoof. "Surely, they would help!"

Rarity: I don't know... Sleeping is very appealing.

"Perhaps they would. Perhaps they wouldn't. They may not believe such a thing is possible. We'll see, when Fluttershy returns."

"IF she returns. Ah. That is," Night Mare Moon faltered, seeing the looks of dismay on the three young ponies. "That is, I am sure there is an excellent chance.

Pinkie Pie: Nice recovery!

Now. We must tell you about the battle. I am afraid your town has been destroyed."

Twilight: "Sorry about that."

"Everypony got away safely," Celestia said over the gasps. "We talked about this before Luna moved the stars for Twilight, if you remember? We can rebuild Ponyville. No lives were lost. I hope that can last."

"So... Twilight attacked you?" Rarity asked, with a sharp intake of breath when Celestia nodded. "I never would have believed it! Our friend, Twilight!"

"...Is not herself!" Night Mare Moon snapped. Rarity shrunk.

Rarity: What, was there a random patch of Poison Joke in the cave?

"I am sorry," Night Mare Moon said. "It is... It is difficult, having these dark powers again, for... for not entirely selfish reasons this time. Yes, she attacked Celestia. I was able to release my hatred for The Lunacy, and transformed once again into the monster you see before you. A monster on a very short leash, this time. I hope.

Author: I hope you brought a pooper-scooper as well.

My hatred is for The Lunacy alone. We thought that Twilight Sparkle had willingly allowed herself to embrace this madness."

"But this note," Celestia continued, holding it up, "is our greatest hope yet.

Twilight: "Granted, I've lost hope in Twilight's ability to write legibly, but that's not important right now!"

There is something we do not entirely understand about the situation. The Lunacy found Twilight within days of her... her ascendancy. She has no dark emotions, not of the depths needed to allow such a creature to twist her mind inwards and dwell on her dark secrets. So she must be doing this herself. She must have facilitated her transformation herself. But with this note, I am not so sure any more."

Author: Basically, it's a plot coupon.

Night Mare Moon looked at her through narrowed eyes. "The prediction from Mother. I assumed, when I heard it -"

"You assumed the same thing that I did. That one day, another alicorn would appear. It would abandon reason for insanity and allow The Lunacy to consume it. That doesn't seem to be the case.

Rarity: Was your mother accurate about ANYTHING?

If Twilight is still in control, well. I told her many times that her will was her own, and to be wary of her thoughts. Perhaps when this thing got inside her, it -"

Author: Bow-chika-wow-wow! (Eviscerated by the sheer force of the universe conspiring against author.)

Spike belched another tongue of fire.

Pinkie Pie: I thought he belches out letters?

"I wish there was a bit more warning with that spell," he grumbled, as Celestia snatched a small scrap of parchment out of the air and read it.

i need to talk
come to ponyville
hurts to do this can
only hold it for a
few minutes

Author: IT'S A TRAP! MAYBE!

"We gotta go see her!" Applejack shouted. "We gotta go! Maybe we can talk to her or -"

Rarity: "Give her a massage to calm her down!"

"No!" Luna said, with an air of total finality. "I will go. I can best escape that Thing. This may be a trap, or it may be exceedingly important. Big Sister, tell them the rest. I will return."

Twilight: She's not going to return, is she?

Before Celestia could speak a single word, Night Mare Moon had dissolved into a silver-blue mist, which swirled for a moment and then faded from sight.

"Well," began Celestia, looking after her.

Twilight: That's what we could really use right now. A well.

"Um, Princess?" said Pinkie Pie, tugging gently on her mane to get her attention again. "What was that about a deadline?"

________________________________________

Night Mare Moon reformed out of the mists of the night just beyond the western edge of the former Ponyville. She saw nothing but rubble, a few scattered fires, and wisps of smoke everywhere. But she heard her.

"Nnnnnngnnnnnn-NO! NO! Gerrrrrrrrugghhh... N- Yeargh! AH! NO! No... GNNNN!"

Author: Poor Twilight. That must've been one bad burrito she ate.

That was Twilight Sparkle's voice. It was coming from... That light. She was by that light.

Night Mare Moon swept towards the flickering, sputtering glow.

Rarity: You missed a spot. And please, be a dear and get under the rug.

Coming around the shattered remains of a barn, she saw Twilight lying on the rubble-strewn street, rolling and thrashing around in obvious agony.

Twilight: That's nonsense! When I'm in agony, I'm subtle.

She was the size of a fully-grown alicorn, her tail and mane resembling flowing smoke, her great lavender wings joining her hooves in beating the ground in torment. But Night Mare Moon was caught short by her horn. It was illuminated, and a ten-foot-long spike of magical energy was rippling and twisting outwards from it, making the rubble smoulder where Twilight's anguished movements brought it into contact. Night Mare Moon had never seen so much magic being channeled at once. She doubted she herself could even come close, even now.

"Twilight Sparkle. Can you hear me?" She was not going to land. She was tensed to flee.

Pinkie Pie: I can't tell. Is she still Nightmare Moon?

"GNNN-Luna! Lu-AH! Luna? Is that- UHHHGHH -"

Pinkie Pie: "Well hello to you too."

"In a manner of speaking. You wanted to talk. Please, talk." Her hatred of The Lunacy was compelling her to attack while it was weak, but she held herself. If she attacked now, she would accomplish nothing. If she waited, she might discover how to kill it. "We are trying to help you. Trying to find out how to get that thing out of your head."

"It's - ah. Unghhhhh... I c-can... HHUUUHHHH! Hold it... Get the AAAAAUGH! AHHHHH! Get the Elements... Get th-AHHH!"

Rarity: "Could you try not to scream so much? It's kind of distracting..."

"They will not work without you! You are the keystone! You are the sixth Element!"

"I - ah. AHHHHHH. OH! I can - Get my - Get my fr-AAAHHHHHHHH! FRIENDS!" she gasped out. "GET MY FRIENDS!" Her tail flamed momentarily, then reverted to magical hair.

Author: Is it me, or is this a very one-sided conversation?

"I do not think that is a -"

"PLEASE!" The word tore from a tortured throat. "I m-m-UHGH. AH! I MUST SEE MY FR-AAAHHHHHGGGGGHHHHH!"

Twilight: "There's no need to use the caps lock, I'm standing right here."

Fire blossomed from her head and tail. Twilight Sparkle had obviously lost control for the moment. Night Mare Moon vanished in a flash of starry smoke as a large, dangerous, many-toothed face swivelled in her direction.

Rarity: That's not nearly as bad as a single-toothed face.

________________________________________

For a couple of minutes now, it had been getting more and more annoyed while it waited for the intruder to just go away. Finally fed up, it cracked open an eye to see what was tapping gently on the end of its snout. Maybe a mid-nap snack?

Author: Don't eat any ponies. They're way too full of sugar, you'll be up all night.
Pinkie Pie: Not me!
Author: You're right. You'll keep up the dragon with your high caffeine content.

Both enormous eyes snapped open, staring in shock and terror at the creature before it.

It couldn't look away. It couldn't move. It couldn't even blink.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Mister Dragon," an incredibly tiny pink-and-yellow pony was saying in a quiet little voice. "I didn't want to wake you. But we have a tiny wee problem."

All: (Burst out laughing.)
Twilight: Okay, THIS is funny!

Her eyes bored in on the dragon's wide, staring gaze. Like thunder. Like a force of nature.

"I know how much you need your sleep, but, um, you see, my friend Twilight's just about to end the world. And, you know, it's really hard to sleep when you're dead. So, um, I'm just wondering if you'd mind helping us attack and capture a rampaging alicorn? And then, you can get right back to your nap."

Rarity: (Shrugs.) Can't argue with that logic.
Twilight: Indeed.
(Buzzers sound.)
All: We've got break sign!

Author: Holy crap, I can't believe it...
Rarity: Is it almost... over?
Twilight: It feels like we've been riffing this for months! (All exchange glances.)
Pinkie Pie: But this is it! The final chapter!
Rarity: Indeed! Well, the final chapter, aside from the epilogue.
Twilight: And the two alternate endings.
Author: Hey, at least the writer didn't make a super grim dark ending, right?
Twilight: Okay, so, last time we ended we a huge battle about to start.
Rarity: And Fluttershy recruiting dragons to her cause.
Author: That was probably the best part.
Pinkie Pie: So let's get started! We've got story sign!
Twilight: Pinkie, it didn't-
(Buzzers sound.)
Twilight: Nevermind.

---

Not My Destiny

Rarity: Okay, okay, I believe you!

by Smayds

Author: ... What?
Pinkie Pie: Aren't you going to make a joke about his name?
Author: Why would I do that?
Twilight: Because- Oh, never mind.

Chapter 11 - Good Night, Goddess

Rarity: "But it's not time to go to bed yet!"
Twilight: "Princess..."
Rarity: "Just let me banish one more demon! Pleeeeeaaaase?!"

Night Mare Moon opened her mouth to speak to her sister and the remaining Bearers, but before she could enunciate a single sound, she was rudely interrupted by a rainbow-maned sky-blue pony colliding at high speed with her armoured head.

"RAINBOW DASH!" a chorous of voices shouted.

Author: "No, no, no, that was off key! Try again!"

"NIGHT MARE MOON!" a lone terrified pegasus shouted.

Night Mare Moon closed her eyes and gently screamed through tightly-clamped jaws, while the pink earth pony grabbed the terrified rainbow-blue blur and whispered urgently into her ear.

Pinkie Pie: "Once you finish getting all the ingredients, we can use Twilight as an oven to bake the cake!"

She stood up."If we have all finished?!" she said, her voice in a slightly scarier pitch than she had intended.

Twilight: 1864.65 Hz.
Pinkie Pie: Oh, that IS a scary pitch!

"Wow, Rainbow Dash! What happened?! Did you find the dragons?! Did ya?! Huh huh huh?" Pinkie Pie was leaking enthusiasm all over the cave.

Rarity: Bah, now we need to get into contact with a plumber.
Author: It's-a me!
Rarity: ... What?
Author: Nevermind...

"Sure did, Pinkie Pie! Princess Celestia! I got a really important message from Fluttershy." The speed demon stood tall on her hooves and made herself look as important as possible.

Twilight: I'd say she's about... Captain of the Guard level of importance.

"We've got dragons! They'll fight for Equestria!"

There was a fairly shocked silence following this statement. Finally, Applejack ventured forth.

"Dragons? Y'all found DRAGONS?"

"Lots'a dragons!" Rainbow dash chortled, doing a rather un-recommended aerobatic manoeuvre within the tight confines of the cave.

Author: That maneuver is not recommended by the Surgeon General.

"We've got two of them on our side, and Fluttershy thinks she can get at least one more! Oh man, that pegasus is CRAZY! I mean, seriously... Oh, you had to be there! Oh! Oh! Pinkie Pie! Fluttershy said I had to bring you back with me! She needs another, uh, I can't remember what she said. Another, uh, cowgirl, I think!"

Pinkie Pie: Oh, I'm flattered, but shouldn't Applejack be doing this?

Pinkie's expression blazed with happiness.

Twilight: It seared with joy.
Rarity: Roared with excitement.
Author: Burned with gladness.
Pinkie Pie: My face feels warm...

"Oooh! I could do that! I've always wanted to fly! Ever since I got my cutie mark, Mom always said that I kept bouncing around everywhere so fast all over the place, I shoulda been born with wings!"

Author: And lo! It is canon!

"Alright, my little ponies," Night Mare Moon said. "I believe that a plan has come to light. It seems that Twilight Sparkle can briefly contain the beast. Very briefly, mind you," she said to the suddenly surprised faces in the cave. "We shall give Twilight Sparkle what she wants. We shall present her with some of her friends, and then we will see how she reacts."

Twilight: Ah, nothing like the tried and true method of scientific experimentation.

Celestia's expression told everypony exactly what she thought of this plan.

Pinkie Pie: It's not THAT bad, is it?

Night Mare Moon seemed to have anticipated her. "We will not risk anypony. We... I... That is, I did not set out to explicitly harm a single soul in my madness of a thousand years ago. I could not do so now, as I could not do so then."

"I never doubted that you could, Little Sister," Celestia said after a brief silence.

Author: *cough* Liar. *cough*

"Please, if you have a plan, share it with us.

Twilight: "We will proceed to review it, consider it, then reject it."

If you will pardon the rather uncouth phrase, I've got buck-all to work with here."

"Rainbow Dash." The Mare of the Night stared the technicolour pegasus

Author: Good. I hate ponies in black and white.

square in the eye. "Along with your very ebullient pink friend,

please, take this message to Fluttershy." She spoke on for a few moments. "We will wait for your signal, and then Celestia will get the other ponies. Are we agreed?"

There were nods all around the cave. Rainbow Dash sat upright and saluted.

Author: Heh. Rainbow Dash stars in "Pogan's Heroes".
Pinkie Pie: Why does that reference feel old and dated?

"Sure thing, Princess!" Flapping back into the air, she picked up Pinkie Pie with her front hooves. "By the way, your Highness? You look awesome, you know!"

Twilight: Is Rainbow hitting on the Princess?
Rarity: "So, Princess Luna... Do you have anything scheduled for after the apocalypse?"
Author: Hey, don't give the shippers fuel.

Grinning, Night Mare Moon spread her enormous wings and swirled her magical mane. Every pony in the room felt a thrill of terror, which was quickly dispelled as they remembered she was fighting with them. They hoped.

"Fly jus' as fast as ya can, Rainbow Dash!" Applejack called as the pegasus whipped up the cave,

Author: Did she suddenly become Indiana Dash?
Pinkie Pie: Or Daring Dash.
Twilight: Rainbow Doo?
Rarity: Does Daring Doo even use a whip?

the delighted squeals of the pink earth pony growing rapidly faint.

Pinkie Pie: (gasps) I'm dying! Get a medical team, stat!

"Alright then, Little Sister," Celestia said. "Let's put this plan into action. The deadline has passed, and I feel nothing trying to attack the sun. I'm not really sure she could do it, but we can't risk that." As Night Mare Moon nodded, she turned to Applejack and Rarity. "Are you ready to try to save your friend?"

Rarity: If I was to say "no", would it make any difference?
________________________________________

An earthy-orange pony

Author: When did Caramel get here?
Pinkie Pie: No, silly! He's caramel colored!
Author: Oh, then I guess I have NO clue who this is.

picked her way carefully through the smashed and scattered rubble of Ponyville. The indigo-maned unicorn that followed her was somehow ignoring the dirt and dust that accumulated on her pure-white hooves.

Author: When did Sweetie Belle get here?

They rounded a ruined windmill, and saw her.

Lying on the ground before them, blood-red tears streaming from her eyes, a regal-looking alicorn

Author: When did Princess Celes-
Twilight: Stop.

writhed and thrashed in the shattered street. Her enormous horn was ablaze, her vast wings smashing into the ground so hard that they were cracking the flagstones of the road on which she lay.

Rarity: No! That flagstone was my favorite character!

"Twilight?" the earth pony asked.

"Twilight, are you alright?" the unicorn chipped in.

Rarity: Always happy to lend my negotiating skills to a conversation.

The change was immediate. The thrashing alicorn leapt bolt-upright, visibly shrinking in size as she resumed her natural form. The vast discharge of magical energy from her horn shrank to little more than a tiny glow.

Twilight: So, by normal, is that regular unicorn normal, or regular alicorn normal?

"Applejack? Rarity?"

A lavender blur caught the two ponies around their necks, pulling them into a deep embrace. "Oh, I've missed you! I've missed you! Where's everypony else?! Are they okay?!"

Author: "Please note their locations in pen on this map I have with me! You can go into their weaknesses next."

"They're fine," the earth pony said. "Twilight, what are you going to do with us?"

"What am I gonna DO with you? Oh, Applejack! I'm not going to do ANYTHING with you! It's so good to have you here! I can

Twilight: "Now test how far I can twist your head before it separates from your body!"
Rarity: That's horrible!
Twilight: Oh, come on, you don't really think she's back to normal, do you?

concentrate, I can block this thing off for as long as I want! It's in my mind but I know where it lives! I can beat it! I really can!"

"Twilight Sparkle, I am very sorry to have done this. I really am. I never intended to deceive you," the apple-marked pony said.

Rarity: That's precisely why I went and deceived you."

Twilight looked her farmer friend in the face. "What... Applejack, you don't sound like... Applejack..."

Pinkie Pie: "You didn't get a new voice actor, did you?"

Applejack and Rarity approached Twilight and Night Mare Moon's two mirages. "Twi', we're over here. Princess Luna wouldn't let us near you without makin' sure you weren't gonna just, well, you know. Just try an' attack us, like." As she spoke, "Applejack" and "Rarity" dissolved into blue smoke and dust. "But we're here now, sugarcube. And we ain't leavin'. We're here for ya, come Hell or high water."

Rarity: Or a murderous alicorn, but let's not talk about that.

"I, um." Twilight looked stunned. "I thought that you weren't, uh, you. But I know you're you now!" The small purple winged unicorn swept the real Rarity and Applejack into a powerful hug.

Author: That'd be a brilliant master stroke if she killed them with a hug of death.

"So, ah, Twilight, dear, what do we do? Well, I mean," Rarity said, "I suppose it really is you in there?" She looked thoroughly petrified.

Rarity: "Actually, I'm Steve. Twilight's out getting groceries at the moment."

"Oh, Rarity. Of course it's me! I told Luna to get my friends! My friends make me stronger! I know where It is, and I can put a barrier spell around It! But, uh," Twilight seemed to sag slightly. "It really does take it out of me. I mean, you shouldn't be here in, uh, about twenty seconds from now. If it finds you..." The lavender alicorn's eyes widened.

Pinkie Pie: She just remembered she left muffins in the oven!

"Hey! We got ourselves a plan!" Applejack said. "If we tells y'all what we're gonna do, can that thing in yer head find out about it?"

Twilight shook her head. "It only knows whats going on in the present. Like, It only sees what I see. Through my eyes. I've got It in my magic cupboard right now,"

Rarity: "Right next to my magic cinnamon and magic hazelnuts."

Twilight chuckled. "Tell me anything you want, and as long as I don't think about it too hard, It's in the dark. What I need is a distraction. If you and the rest of the girls were there, and I got REALLY distracted -"

Author: Don't even get her STARTED on those little laser pens!

"Well, alright then!" Applejack said. "Okay, we're gonna try and catch you. Like, hold ya' until we can use the Elements. And we got ourselves a real doozy of a distraction!

Twilight: It isn't Pinkie singing a horrid song, is it?

That alright with you?"

"It'll be so dangerous with you all there," Twilight said, a look of desperation coming into her face. "I might, uh, I might kill you."

Rarity: "Meh. We've been through worse."

"Oh darling! Don't you worry yourself about that! Just promise me this one thing," Rarity said.

"What? Promise you what?" Twilight's eyes were starting to dilate.

Author: What's she been smoking?
Pinkie Pie: Duh! Poison joke!
Twilight: Oh, don't even get started on that...

"Hey, uh, girls, I don't think I've got too much longer here."

"Don't worry, Twilight. Just promise me something, alright?"

"Of course!"

Rarity: She hasn't even said what thing thing was!

"When it comes, you promise me that you'll fight tooth and hoof to get yourself back. Promise me?!"

"Okay, okay! Okay, Rarity!" Twilight was starting to twitch and shudder. "I promise! I'll... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

Author: Damn it, thwack her upside the head! Seems her brain's crashed again!

"You jus' save yer strength, okay?

Twilight: Make an initial investment in the bank, that use the intrest and CD's to increase your savings over time.
Author: You kidding? In THIS economy? Not only that, but there's an obesity epidemic as well!

We'll be there to save ya!" Applejack and Rarity were backing up rapidly.

"I promise, girls! I promise! Get away! It's coming baAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Pinkie Pie: Twilight! This is no time for your sheep impression!

The earth pony and the unicorn turned tail and fled as fast as they could. Flames erupted behind them as Night Mare Flare took flight.

"WHERE ARE YOU? YOU WERE JUST HERE! WHERE ARE YOU?!"

Rarity: They're only a hundred feet away or so! You should see them!

Twin white-and-gold and black-and-silver blurs smashed into the towering flaming alicorn. Celestia and Night Mare Moon together grabbed It and threw the Thing

Pinkie Pie: I guess that's easier to type than "Night Mare Flare".

as hard as they could, straight upwards. They followed on its hooves, pressing the attack. They had to get Night Mare Flare as high as they could.
________________________________________

"Wheeeeeeee! This is fun!" Pinkie Pie shouted over the roar of the wind and the tremendous beating of massive wings.

"It's not supposed to be fun, Pinkie!" Dash called back. "We're supposed to be saving Twilight! But yeah, this is fun!"

"Eyes on the prize, girls!" Fluttershy shouted. "There they are! Rainbow Dash! The signal!"

Pinkie Pie: Sounds like fun!

The multicolour-maned pegasus leaped upwards from the neck of her steed and rocketed into the sky.

Author: She has cleared the dragon, I repeat, she has cleared the dragon.

Tipping over high, high above into a dive, her wings beating so fast they were a blur, she did what she absolutely, positively did better than any other pony, because no other pony had ever done it. Her special talent, a talent as rare as Twilight's total mastery of magic, something that no other pony, ever, had been best at.

Twilight: Tiddly-Winks?

This was far from a trivial task - she'd only done this twice before, after all - but the lives of every living thing in the world were at stake, and also, more importantly to her, her friend's life was at stake.

Author: You know what I'm hungry for right now? Steak. (collective groans from other ponies)
Rarity, Please, Author, you've been merciful with the puns so far. Don't start!

In such a situation, the most loyal of friends found that the required power and speed came easily. Her light-blue wing feathers nearly caught fire as she accelerated, straight down, through the speed of sound and far beyond, passing Mach two, Mach three, Mach four...

Author: Ludicrous speed! Go!

As the blinding explosion of panchromatic light shattered the night sky above them,

Rarity: Oh bother, now we need a new one.

Fluttershy drew in a very, very deep breath. She pointed at the raging battle dead ahead and, as the rapidly-decelerating Rainbow Dash flew back to resettle herself onto her mount,

Twilight: I can't tell if that had a point or not. Did the Sonic Rainboom have a point?
Pinkie Pie: I guess we're going to find out!

let forth the loudest sound she would ever make in her life.

"CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!"

Rarity: I'd say that's in the top ten, maybe top five, but I wouldn't say the loudest.
Author: Are you kidding me? It's not loud at all! It's a word on a computer screen!

Following the Sonic Rainboom's spectrum-shattering visual shockwave all the way in, three of the most enormous dragons that Equestria had ever seen,

Rarity: I'd say that they're in the top ten, maybe-
Twilight: Stop.

complete with screaming, whooping ponies clinging to their backs, flew faster than the fastest winds towards the battle for the fate of the world.

Pinkie Pie: Am I the only one concerned about how the poor wind feels at being upstaged?!
________________________________________

Twilight knew what was going on. It was like watching a film.

Twilight: Or reading a story about yourself.

She saw herself grabbing and thrashing Celestia and Night Mare Moon, throwing them away from her, trying to hurl them to the ground far below, ripping and tearing uselessly at their indestructible flesh...

Rarity: Actually, it isn't their flesh that's indestructible. It's the massive amount of styling gel they use to maintain that wonderful shine on their coat.

She was fighting with all her might to not allow her magic to be seized and pulled from her by the other two alicorns, so as not to accidentally strengthen one of the spells she was raining on them.

Pinkie Pie: (singing) I'm singing in the spells... I'm singing in the spells...

And she was pulling as hard at their magical attacks as she could, making them far stronger, far more devastating upon her.

It wasn't going to work. She'd win.

All: Aww...
Rarity: If you just tell us the ending, it takes all the fun out of it...

She'd destroy the sun so everything slowly froze to death, and then she'd start to take the world apart piece by piece to find the Bearers.

Twilight: I don't suppose she could just kill them by letting them freeze to death, right?

A vast rippling sheet of pure rainbow blasted across the sky above her. Paying it no heed, she saw Celestia dive for the ground, moving faster than she'd ever seen the Princess move. She ignored that, too. Concentrated only on Night Mare Moon.

Author: Is this a good time to point out "Nightmare" is only one word, and Smayds brand whipped cream has been spelling not one, but two names wrong these past four or five chapters?
Rarity: I think you're a tad late.

Enormous teeth closed around her.

Dragon teeth.

Magical teeth.

She was caught, in huge, indestructible, magical teeth. They were crushing her. They might even be able to penetrate her magical hide.

Twilight: If a bit from a dragon was all it took, we should've gotten Spike in here ages ago!

Magic is as magic does...

Author: Tom Hanks in "Twilight Gump".

Vast claws were raking along her back and wings.

Rarity: "Once you're done with the leaves, just throw them all in the Everfree Forest!"

The echoes of pain shouted through her mind as she twisted, fighting back, lashing the dragon with blistering fire, allowing herself to forget that dragons were fireproof.

Author: Okay, we should get rid of these useless monarchs and just have a dragon rule Equestria.
Twilight: But wait, Fluttershy was able to command the dragon. That means...
Author: Fluttershy should control Equestria! Is brilliant!

She was thoroughly distracted.

Pinkie Pie: Wait, if she knows she's distracted, does that mean she's distracted?

Now was the moment.

NOW!

She found The Lunacy within her mind. It was there. It was right there. It could not have made its location more plain.

Twilight: It was literally holding a sign that said, "I'm the Lunacy, please exorcise me."

And it was thoroughly surprised and distracted by this development.

Oh, yes. Some star must be shining down on me. I'll ask Luna about it later.

She fumbled within her mind.

She found purchase.

Rarity: "I'd like one better fan fic please.

She grabbed it.

Squeezed it.

Twisted it.

Broke it loose...

"GET THE BUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!" she screamed, in a tone far louder and far more regal, despite the profanity, than the Royal Canterlot Voice.

Twilight: As long as your screaming, it's regal.
Rarity: Not really she should have used the royal "our".

Twilight Sparkle threw the tiny ball of absolute blackness as far away from her as she could...

Author: What, like five feet?
Pinkie Pie: She should've done that at the start.

The world seemed to explode in a concussion of terror and hate.
________________________________________

She fell.

Fell through the air.

Twilight: Really? I thought she was falling through gelatin.

I'm falling...

I'm going to hit the ground and die...

She remembered that she couldn't.

Rarity: Well, there goes THAT suspenseful moment.

Wings tearing wide, she took in the view.

Author: "Wow... I really messed up Ponyville, didn't I?"

The Lunacy, visible at last as a physical entity. Night Mare Moon and the dragons were ripping into it. One dragon was hurled straight down, but they were too high for it to hit the ground before it recovered, and it flew back into the battle with jaws blazing fire.

Celestia was floating low down near the town, a thick magical bubble around herself and five other ponies. She was carrying Applejack, Rainbow Dash was carrying Rarity, and Fluttershy was holding Pinkie Pie.

They were all wearing necklaces...

Rarity: If the world's going to end, they're going to die with style.

"THE CROWN! THE CROWN!" Twilight screamed. "WHERE IS IT?! WHERE IS IT?! WHERE'S THE CROWN?!"

Rarity: The Lunacy left her, eh? I find that a little hard to believe...

Celestia reached her magic down to the small, well-hidden wooden chest she had placed in the rubble beneath her. She seized the magenta-jeweled tiara and threw it faster than a bullet towards the rapidly-approaching small lavender alicorn.

Twilight saw it coming.

Twilight: "OW! How was I supposed to catch that?!"

She grabbed it. Moved it into her flight path.

It slammed onto her head with a physical concussion of bright white light.

Author: Concussion? Did she start frothing light?
_______________________________________

The Master of Magic flexed her thaumaturgical muscles.

Author: Hey, it's Trixie!

Oh. Oh, my.

She opened her eyes. They blazed white-hot as she found her target. High above, three enormous winged beasts surrounded Night Mare Flare, snapping at it, smashing it with their great indestructible claws, blasting it with white-hot dragonfire. Night Mare Moon circled the rampaging battle, firing blasts of coloured light at the ferocious Thing at the centre of the fray. Distracting it. Blinding it to the real threat.

Pinkie Pie: The backspace key!

"GIRLS! TO ME!"

Author: "TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!"

The crown's jewel exploded with light. Celestia dropped her magical barrier as five ponies, their jewelled necklaces glowing, were telekinetically pulled up to Twilight's height.

________________________________________

The Element of Magic, wielded by the most magically-powerful being the world had ever seen.

Trixie: Trixie thinks this statement is blasphemy!
Twilight: Where did you come from?
Trixie: Trixie does not know.

Flying higher and higher, her friends following along close on her wingtips, up towards the Thing that had tricked her, manipulated her, tried to control her.

Author: Okay, if I insert names into these somewhat vague descriptions, we'll be here all day.

The dragons saw her coming. Disengaging, they flapped back out of the monster's immediate reach, leaving it to Night Mare Moon alone.

Pinkie Pie: Oh no! That must be horrible! Nopony should be left alone!

Night Mare Flare saw her coming too. A fear, a terror older than Equestria itself, blossomed wildly in the mind of The Lunacy. It saw its destruction. Powered by the vestiges of Twilight Sparkle's magic, its magical ability was immense, but it could not triumph over this. It could not stand in the face of the Elements of Harmony.

Rarity: It also has a weakness for chocolate pudding, but that's for another story.
Author: ABC presents; "Extreme Makeover, Weight Loss Addition", with special guest Nightmare Flare.

It turned and tried to flee.

Twilight snatched it, squeezed it, crushed it with her mind. It began to howl, twisting, spinning within her grip, trying to teleport away from the death it saw bearing down upon it.

Twilight: Ah, yes. Because that's what the Elements are used for; killing things.

The jewels on the elements flared suddenly, intense purple and howling yellow and searing blue and blazing orange and red.

Pinkie Pie: Poor red... He doesn't get a cool description.
Author: Seriously. The writer could've at least said something like "mediocre red" at the very least.

The other five Bearers gasped in awe as their eyes, too, suddenly flamed perfect blistering white.

Author: I guess you could say the light burned their retinas.

Twilight Sparkle, Master of Magic, Keystone of the Elements of Harmony, threw all of her magical ability into the destruction of the indestructible. Her friends started to scream as blazing rainbow-hued light began to explode from their eyes.

Twilight: Why don't I remember that happening the last time we used the Elements?

Twilight Sparkle's own eyes blazed hotter than the core of the sun as she cast her spell.

Rarity: In other news, Twilight's family mourns her passing. It seems she died when her face and skull melted.

The concussion shattered windows as far away as Phillydelphia and Manehattan.

Pinkie Pie: She pays for those damages, right? Cause that was mean of her!

A giant elemental fist of pure white light, entwined with spidery threads of all the colours of the rainbow, smashed into Night Mare Flare with the force of the Moon colliding with the world.

Author: An Eldritch demon was just defeated by being punched in the face. I love this.
Pinkie Pie: Hey, it's better than being killed by being riffed to death. Could you imagine if THAT killed a demon? (Twilight and Pinkie Pie exchange glances)

Uncountable flying white-hot sparks exploded from the Thing as the three massive dragons turned tail and fled the oncoming cataclysm.

Night Mare Flare lived up to its chosen name.

Author: Its dad wanted to name it Henry, but its mom was persistent.

With a flash of light many times brighter than the noon-day sun, illuminating all of Equestria for hundreds of miles around, the enormous fang-jawed flaming alicorn-shape shrank into an almost imperceptibly-miniscule pinprick of light,

Author: Nightmare Flare in "Honey, I Shrunk the Evil God".

shimmered and wavered for the tiniest moment, and then, with a sudden caterwauling shriek that every single living thing in the world heard clearly,

Pinkie Pie: "Hey, would you keep it down?! I'm TRYING to sleep!"

exploded into a vast blooming sheet of brightest day and deepest night, spreading rapidly to the horizons, covering all the world with speckled swirling blotches composed of equal parts light and dark, flame and smoke, day and night, before fading, softly, to nothing.

Twilight: Actually, matter cannot be created or destroyed, so it couldn't have turned into nothing. A far more likely result would be-
Rarity: Twilight?
Twilight: Yes?
Rarity: Shut up, we're almost done.

With a scream of absolute glorious elation, Night Mare Moon exploded in a shower of deep blue smoke and silver sparks. A small alicorn with a pale-blue mane shot down out of the expanding cloud of black and silver dust, shrieking with joy as billions of stars blossomed and exploded back into view in the pitch-black night sky above.

Rarity: I guess she's happy.
Author: I think she had a stargasm. (head exploded by Twilight's magic)

"It's dead! It's gone! It's gone, gone, gone! It's gone forever!" Luna shrilled, her face almost split in two by an enormous smile.

Twilight: The visit to the doctor to stitch that up is part of the sequel.

Then she noticed what was occupying Celestia's attention. As her sister raced up from far below, she folded her wings and shot into a dive after the falling unconscious ponies.

Pinkie Pie: Everyone falls and dies! Hooray!
Rarity: Finally! That was the last chapter, right?

Not My Destiny
by Smayds

Twilight: Not quite...

Epilogue: And That's How Equestria Was Saved

Author: Break! Let's stop for a break! Maybe grab a strong drink while we're at it!

---

Twilight: You know, when a story's over, I expect it to STAY over...
Rarity: Now that's not fair. Some people love all the little extras, like alternate endings.
Pinkie Pie: I know I do! (takes a swig from a cup)
Author: ... Pinkie, what are you doing?
Pinkie Pie: You said we should grab a strong drink, so I grabbed the strongest drink I could find!
Author: Ponies? Drinking? As if. You wouldn't know a strong drink if it hit you on the head!
Pinkie Pie: How would a drink hit me on the head? It doesn't have any arms, silly!
Author: Oh, shut up! Just give me that! (grabs bottle off of table)
Twilight: Author, I really don't think you should drink that! That's full of stuff even stronger than what Pinkie's drinking!
Author: (smirks) What is it? Water? (takes a swig, then smacks lips) Huh. Tastes a bit funny.
Rarity: Um, Author?
Author: Hey, stop looking at me like I've got two heads.
Rarity: Very well. I hope you don't mind if I look at you as though you're ON FIRE!
Author: Gah! I'm on fire! How does that even happen?! (looks at bottle) Hey there's a warning... "There's a slight chance you'll be infected with an evil eldritch abomination." (starts to levitate) Oh this is awesome! I can fly!
Rarity: Author! You have to fight it!
Author: What? Why? I can rule the world now as I see fit! Mold it to my image!
Pinkie Pie: But remember all the good times we've had!
Author: Hm, you're right. I thought about it. You'll die first. (creates a fireball in one hand, then roars) AND NOW PINKIE! PREPARE TO FEEL MY FIERY-
Twilight: Alright, that's enough. (Tosses bucket of water on Author, whose flames go out instantly. He fals to the ground, the impact of his head hitting the wooden floor causing a little demon to pop out of his ear and skitter away.) Shall we get on with the story.
Author: Ughh...
Twilight: That's what I thought.
(Buzzers sound.)
All: We've got story sign!

---

To claps and cheers from hundreds of ponies, Twilight Sparkle levitated the flag to the base of the pavilion's rooftop flagpole. Tying it to the halyard with her magic,

Author: I'm just going to assume "halyard" is an actual word.

she flew gently down from the roof to land beside the Princesses and her friends, folded her wings, and called "Ready?!"

Whistles and whoops and more clapping. "Okay! Here we go!" Her horn ignited, the flag moving gently to the top of the pole. Applause and cheering as the Mayor moved to the podium under the pavilion's bright bunting.

Author: I'm going to assume that word was used in the right context.
Pinkie Pie: There's a lot of assuming involved in reading stories, huh?

"Wonderful, wonderful!" the Mayor said. "That's it! Ponyville is officially rebuilt!" The cheers redoubled. "Thank you, everypony!" More cheering. "And especially to Princesses Celestia and Luna, who helped so much with the clearing and reconstruction!" The ponies went even crazier.

Rarity: Egad! The Lunacy had babies!

"But most of all, to our own Princess Twilight, head of the organisation committee and personal architect of the new Ponyville!"

The applause was deafening. Ponies everywhere, all around the town square, were clapping their front hooves, stamping their back hooves, and cheering and yelling their heads off.

Twilight: Luckily there's an emergency medical team on stand-by.

Twilight blushed furiously, wanting to put a stop to this, and point out that she was most definitely not a Princess.

"Just go with it for now, Twilight Sparkle," Luna's amused voice murmured gently into her ear. "Be a Princess for just one day. You might even grow to enjoy it!"

Rarity: "Just wait till we start figuring out the taxation rate!"
Author: "I even have an abacus you can borrow!"

After the downtown celebrations were concluded, Twilight and company walked through the early evening sunset back to the new library -

Pinkie Pie: I didn't know you could grow trees that quickly!

and, over Twilight's objections, the official royal residence of Ponyville. Twilight had used an enormously-powerful growth spell to age a sapling about eight hundred years in the blink of an eye, and the woodworkers had hollowed out and strengthened the structure in record time, aided by Celestia, Luna and Twilight herself.

Author: Alternatively they could've, I don't know, just BUILT A HOUSE.

There was one little addition to the large new balcony on top of the tree, however - a pedestal for the palace's enormous Sun Disc.

Author: It's mounted on the back of four miniature elephants, which are, in turn, standing on top of a giant tortoise.

Twilight had objected strongly, but Celestia put her hoof down. As Ponyville had missed out last year, Twilight was raising the sun right here at the upcoming Summer Sun Celebration, and Celestia was going to make sure she did it in style.

Pinkie Pie: Style? Oh! I know! You could juggle planets and stars in the sky!
Twilight: That may not be the best idea...

"Wow, Twilight, I'm beat! I've been on my feet for days! I'm gonna go have a nap." Spike trotted wearily up the stairs to his new room.

"We're going out to have a few drinks later, Spike," Twilight called after her number-one assistant. "We might not be here when you wake up."

Rarity: Does anyone else think that sounds a bit ominous?

"Okay," Spike yawned back from the landing. "Want me to save you any dinner?"

"No, we're good. Thanks for offering!" Rainbow Dash called.

Author: Geez, is he cooking enough food for seven people?!

"No problem. Have fun, you guys!" The sound of a door closing. Spike adored the fact that he had his own room.

Twilight looked around the new ground floor reading room, stocked with books from the Canterlot Royal Library, and even a few from Celestia's private bookcases.

Author: Hey, what's this book...? "Fifty Shades of Rainbow" by EQD James?!

Home.

She sat down on the couch and looked grumpy.

Pinkie Pie: Turn that frown upside down!

"What's the matter, sugarcube?" Applejack asked. "Ya' tired?"

"No, I'm not tired. I've been working all week without a break and I'm not tired at all. Alicorn thing?" she asked Celestia.

Rarity: "No. You're just a freak of nature."

The Princess nodded from her seat at the row of plush cushions along the wall.

"Well then, what's got you all grumpy?" Pinkie Pie asked around a mouthful of sprouts, coming out of the kitchen.

"I... I don't know. Let's go. I need a couple drinks, girls. Princesses?"

Author: What, is she asking if alicorns can get drunk?

"We would be honoured, Twilight Sparkle," Luna said. Celestia nodded in agreement. The two royal alicorns stood and followed the six smaller ponies back out the door and into the darkening evening.
________________________________________

The old atmosphere of the Ponyville Bar

Author: I never thought I'd ever hear this in a story. Good stuff.

was there, even though the eight ponies sitting alone were all incredibly famous - and two, possibly three of them were royalty. Though the citizens of Ponyville had seen a fair bit of Celestia since Twilight had moved here,

Rarity: The princesses are old news now.

and the Princesses themselves had gotten their hooves quite dirty during the week-long rebuild of the town,

Twilight: Right, I understand lifting things with magic can really dirty up those hooves.

a Princess was still a Princess, and nervous glances kept shooting from the other patrons all evening.

Rarity: Nervous? What do they think she's going to do, sentence them all to death for bad musical taste?

The six best friends, and two royal Princesses, all sat around the table in the bar's largest corner booth, chatting, laughing, having possibly a little too much cider, and talking about how Equestria was now safe forever with the destruction of The Lunacy.

Author: Well, till the start of next season anyway.

"I really didn't know which of my thoughts were mine and which weren't," Twilight told her friends and the Princesses. "That Thing was really good at what it did. My thoughts really weren't my own at all, just like you said, Celestia." Twilight tipped her glass at her former teacher. "I couldn't tell which were which. I started to think that I really did want to destroy the world!"

Rarity: Indeed, it did get a bit confusing.

"So how in the hay did ya' manage to beat it, Twi'?" Applejack asked.

"I out-thought it! I had these weird conflicting thoughts, but they made complete sense, like, um, oh! I believed that all I'd wanted to do for thousands of years was destroy everything. And I realized that I'm not thousands of years old. I think that unhinged it."

Twilight: Thank you for recapping what the readers already know.

"After our first battle, when you remodeled the top of Windmore Mountain?" Luna asked.

Twilight nodded. "I realized that it was doing my thinking for me. It got mad, really mad. It tried to take me over, to force me to do its bidding." Twilight smiled. "It made a bit of a mistake. I kept my head. Kept calm. I flew straight down at that mountaintop as fast as I could go. That made it furious, but I'd found out where it was hiding in my head! I could be me again. But it was so angry. Every time I let my control slip, it burst back out. I was just a passenger. A passenger in my own mind. It nearly won."

Author: Sounds like the wrap-up explanation to a Twilight Zone episode.

"I don't want to even think about that!" Rarity said, with a note of worry in her voice.

"I think it was watching me, ever since we pushed it out of Luna last year.

Twilight: I guess it didn't have anything better to do.

It saw my transformation and moved into my head, trying to make another Night Mare Moon."

"It sorta did, Twilight," Fluttershy said quietly. "How did you really stop it though? I mean," the pink-and-yellow pegasus said shyly, "what about the prediction? It almost did come true."

Author: Funny thing about that book. I think we've all figured out that the book is full of crap.

Fluttershy looked momentarily terrified at the thought, then resumed her relatively benign expression.

"Easy. The Lunacy just made a mistake. I'm not the third Eternal Sister. I'm just Twilight Sparkle."

Pinkie Pie: If she isn't the Eternal Sister, then who is?!
All: (exchange glances, then whisper) Bloomberg...

"But you ARE an alicorn, Twilight! So doesn't that make you an Eternal Sister?" Rainbow Dash pointed out.

"We think you are, Twilight," Celestia said. Luna nodded. "Remember what we saw when we looked at you with our full magical sight. And The Lunacy itself could not have known of that prediction."

Rarity: I beg to differ. Perhaps the Lunacy is big on reading?
Twilight: He probably picked up an abridged version at the library.

"Well, alright, maybe. Maybe I was destined to end the world, and I just decided not to. At least, if it isn't me, and the third Eternal Sister does show up some crazy day," Twilight said with a smile, "she won't be able to embrace The Lunacy." The smile faded. "I don't think it was expecting me to destroy it, maybe just drive it away with the Elements again. Or trap it in stone." Twilight closed her eyes for a moment. "It was still a living thing, though. Evil and twisted, with no purpose other than to cause chaos and destruction. But still a living thing. And I killed it. On purpose." She lowered her muzzle to the table sadly.

Twilight: Really? I thought you blasted it with friendship by accident.
Author: Just think; we, as the human race, drove Hitler to suicide. What monsters are we?!

"Twilight! Yer' crazy! That thing was gonna use ya' to destroy the world!"

"This is yet another reason why we think you are the third Eternal Sister, Twilight Sparkle. Your love for all living things. ALL living things," Luna emphasized.

Author: "Even Zoidberg."

"I hated The Lunacy. I hate its memory. But I, too, am sorry that it is dead." The midnight-blue alicorn looked at her sister. Celestia nodded.

"As am I. Though I do not think you made a mistake."

All: ...
Rarity: ... You know, they're just asking for another cataclysm to come along.

Twilight looked with surprise at Celestia as the large, regal-looking alicorn continued with sadness in her voice.

"The Elements of Harmony, used in anger. Used, for the very first time, to kill. If what you did would have been, well, wrong, the Elements would never have activated. If bringing true, eternal harmony to the world meant killing the thing that would have otherwise destroyed it, then so be it. Luna and myself will mourn the passing of such an ancient immortal spirit,"

Twilight: "And by mourn we mean dance on its grave."

Celestia said, "but not for very long. You will, too, I think, also for a brief time only. I am afraid that this will be something else you will need to learn." Her younger sister nodded sadly at this.

The talk turned to other things. Twilight didn't join in. She looked slightly confused about something.

Rarity: She's probably busy sorting out all the story's plot holes.

This was the same feeling she'd had back in the library, just before they all went out. She listened to her friends talking happily all around her, listened to the background din of the bar. Everypony was having the time of their lives. Glancing up, she saw Celestia looking at her glum demeanour out of the corner of her eye.

Pinkie Pie: "Hey! Stop looking at my demeanor like that!"
Author: ... Great. I now have an image in my head of a drunk Celestia hitting on Twilight's demeanor.
Twilight: Have we ever told you how random you are?
Author: (pretending to be drunk) Heeeey Demeenur.... Hows abouts we go back to mah place and get yew changed into a temperament that's a wee bit more... comfurtable..."

Eternal harmony...

Eternal...

Twilight: "That'd be a good name for a story..."

Finally, Twilight brought up the subject that she'd been trying to avoid for weeks and weeks now.

Twilight: "Uh, Princess Celestia?"
Rarity: "Yes?"
Twilight: "I didn't want to mention this, but... you have something stuck in your teeth."
Rarity: "Gah! How long has this been here?!"
Twilight: "Uh..."

"So, uh, Celestia?"

The co-ruler of all of Equestria lowered her glass to the table and looked at her very steadily. Something told Twilight that Celestia knew what she was about to ask.

Author: Freaky mind-reader...

"What's on your mind, Twilight?"

"Uh, eternity. Immortality."

The talking and laughter of her friends died down as everypony turned to look at her.

Pinkie Pie: "Geez, Twilight, you're such a buzz kill!"

The rest of the bar was still noisy enough, but those around the table heard Twilight very clearly as she whispered the thought that she'd finally been able to confront.

"I'm going to have to watch all of my friends grow old. Grow old and... and pass away."

Author: Hey, look on the bright side... You can finally make fun of them without any consequence!

The background sounds of reveling ponies seemed to die away as well. Twilight looked at the table sadly, picked up her glass of cider, put it back down again.

Twilight: Yep. That action had a point.

She was interrupted by a tremendous hug from Pinkie Pie.

"Don't you worry about that, Twilight! We've all got years and years and years of parties to throw before anything like that happens! The Princesses must have lost friends! Right, Princesses?"

Rarity: Oof... Good ol' Pinkie, ever the tactful one.

In extremely-typical Pinkie Pie fashion, the hyperactive earth pony had just unwittingly opened a very deep wound.

Celestia and Luna both nodded. Briefly, very briefly, their faces showed deep traces of sadness and sorrow.

Twilight: And glee, as they recalled that one filly from grade school who was always whining.

They must have known hundreds of ponies personally over the centuries. Thousands.

Thousands of friends... gone.

"How do you do it?" Twilight breathed.

Rarity: She breathed. That's good to note.

"It's not easy. But we cope. Part of being an alicorn is keeping a level head in a crisis, Twilight, as you know. That will extend to coping with loss." Celestia looked around the table at the sad faces, all except Pinkie Pie shocked at this obvious revelation.

Author: I can't tell if Pinkie was smart enough to already know this, or just plain stupid.

"You all have long, full, worthwhile lives ahead of you. Twilight will share in those lives.

Rarity: Just what I need, some alicorn mooching on my life force.

You will all, one day, pass away, just like every other living thing. Twilight will remember you in her heart for ever, my little ponies. And so will Luna and myself, as we remember every friend we have ever made."

Pinkie Pie: "By the way, what was your name again?"

The six best friends digested this slowly as a pegasus guardspony trotted unobtrusively up to Celestia and murmured something quietly into her ear. "Yes, yes, I suppose you're right." She looked at Luna, who nodded, then she turned to address the table at large.

Author: The guard gave them advice on who to pick for their fantasy NASCAR team.

"The other affairs of state are starting to pile up. I'm afraid we must both get back to them. It is quite a lot of work, managing the business of an entire realm, along with moving the sky around as well," Celestia smiled, getting to her hooves. "I trust we will see you all soon, though? We're having a small, private dinner this weekend. Just the eight of us, plus Spike."

Rarity: "Also, if Nightmare Flare asks to come, tell him it was cancelled. I don't really like associating with him..."

"Oooh! Formal dress?!" Rarity exclaimed, her shining eyes going wide with joy and anticipation.

"However you choose to come will be fine," Luna said, smiling happily.

All: Hmm...
Twilight: So... I can come in a sombrero?
Author: Yep.
Rarity: I can come with bananas stuffed in my ears?
Author: Indeed.
Pinkie Pie: I can show up NAKED?!
Author: Um, Pinkie, you're already- You know what? Sure. Sure you can.

"Twilight Sparkle, we will be awaiting the arrival of your friends and yourself." The two sisters bowed,

Twilight: Their heads bashing into Twilight,

which made Twilight wince. "Celestia and myself are quite looking forward to it. Imagine us, hosting a private function for a Princess!"

Twilight: Of course. It's not like they've ever held the audience of any other princess *cough* Cadance *cough*.
Author: To be fair, she hadn't been introduced yet.

Celestia and Luna chuckled. To bows and smiles from the other patrons, the Princesses, accompanied by half-a-dozen golden-armoured guards, walked gracefully out of the Ponyville Bar.

Twilight slumped her chin down on to the table. Then, she craned her head around and looked at her wings. She wiggled them. She sighed.

Rarity: They just don't wiggle like they used to...

"Twilight!" Pinkie gasped without warning. "You GOTTA come to Sugarcube Corner tomorrow at four o'clock! I just remembered!" she said in a sudden rush.

Author: "I'm making cupcakes!
Rarity and Twilight: NO!
Twilight: Don't go there!

Twilight sat up and looked at her immensely happy and expectant pink friend. "Let me guess..."

Twilight: "Are we going to riff something?"

"Shhh! Don't tell yourself this, but it's your Hey-Wow-Twilight's-Gonna-Live-Forever surprise party!" Pinkie giggled. "Everypony's invited!"

Pinkie Pie: Literally!

Twilight rolled her eyes, then smiled.

The first of many, many parties to come.

Author: Like, twenty or so.

"Wouldn't miss it, Pinkie. I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Twilight: Hey, don't be so hasty!
Author: She can be as hasty as she wants. That's the end of the epilogue!
Rarity: Grand. Now we have the pleasure of reading some alternate endings.Hooray...
Pinkie Pie: Oh, the story wasn't that bad, now was it?
Twilight: Well, it started off slow...
Author: Remained slow...
Rarity: Proceeded to be slow...
Author: But at least the pace picked up towards the end. And Fluttershy plus dragon is cool. Granted, the Fluttershy sub-plot didn't end up developing too much...
Pinkie Pie: I'm so happy we're doing this riff together! I can't wait for us to do this again!
(Twilight, Rarity, and Author exchange glances.)
Twilight: I don't think that's the best ide-
(Buzzers sound.)
All: We've got break sign!

It's Two-Star Tuesday! What the buck does that mean, you may ask. In order to take care of a large bulk request I received, every Tuesday ("Isn't it a little after Tuesday?" Shut up, reader!) I'm going to head on over to Equestria Daily and find one of the poor, poor fics that somehow managed to get through the pre-readers' radar. If the story has under a three star rating, then it shall receive a healthy dose a riffing! Today's story is an odd one, which you can read here without the commentary. Though the author of the story says its rated R, the fic hardly lives up to that, and unless a druggie (more like drunk) Twilight and poor story structure highly offends you, you'll be just fine. In my opinion, the idea, in theory, could be hilarious if done right, but here... Well, you'll see for yourself. Let's begin!

---

Author: ... Okay, did anybody see you two come here?
Twilight: No. I don't think Pinkie Pie or Rainbow Dash has a clue we're at the studio.
Rarity: Somehow, I just know she'll find a way...
Author: Don't be so paranoid. It's not like she has Pinkie-senses or... anything... (facepalm) Well, shoot.
(Doors swing shut and lock)
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Hey, no guns in the writing studio! You could shoot a fictional eye out, silly!
Twilight: Pinkie-sense?
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Pinkie-sense.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) It's a weird one, too! My mane starts rippling, I give two stomps with my left hoof, my stomach does a back flip, and my eyes roll!
Author: And that's every time it's time to do an MPPT?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) No, that's just my "Twilight, Rarity, and author are all in the writing studio" sign! When I'm there too, I stomp with my right hoof and also blink a few times, and when Twilight and Rarity aren't there but me and-
Rarity: I think we get the point.
Pinkie Pie: Hooray! Because I have about a few hundred different combinations that I did NOT want to go through! Rainbow Dash?
Rainbow Dash: (From TV, clears throat) You're awesome prank for today is a bit of a joke. And by joke, I mean Poison Joke. Twilight-
Twilight: WHY AM I ALWAYS THE MAIN CHARACTER!?
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Twilight pretty much spends the story stoned because she smoked poison joke. And what happens afterwards.
Twilight: Wait... aren't we already in the middle of MPPTing something!
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Nope! Definitely not "Not My Destiny"!
Author: "Snake, you've created a time paradox..."
(Buzzer goes off)
All: We've got story sign!

---

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Episode 420: Twi-dye Sparkle

Author: I'm sorry, did I miss a few episodes?

[Rated R: Drug use, some language, nopony under the age of 17 should read without parental/guardian supervision]

Author: I'd rate that PG-13 at most.

“Hey Twilight! Where ya goin?” asked Spike as Twilight threw her saddle bags

Rarity: At him.

on, weighed down by a healthy collection of books.

Twilight: The sick books she left on the shelf.

“I’m just heading over to Froggy Bottom Bog to meet Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie.” Twilight replied, sliding the last book in with her magic,” They told me that they were Joking and asked if I would want to join them. I’m so excited! I’ve got all the books about comedy in my bags.”

Rarity: "Every. Single. One.

Spike’s eyes widened as he said,” Jokes! I have a ton of them!

Author: "They're all about Cupcakes!"

Twilight, pleaaaaaase let me go with you! I can knock them dead with my ‘Chariot Food’ routine.”

Author: Hey, it's Jerry Spikefeld.

As he posed with a pencil, held like a microphone while pointing to an imaginary audience. Twilight, with a lighter tone,

Twilight: The tone had been on a diet.

said,” I would of invited you Spike, but aren’t you helping Rarity pack her dresses for Hoity Toity today?” Spike jumped, clasped his head in his claws and groaned,” Oh crud! I almost forgot about that!”

Rarity: Oh, that language! This story deserves that R rating!

He runs towards the doorway, turns briefly and yells,

Author: "WHAT'S UP WITH THESE TENSES?!"

” Have fun with Dash and Pinkie!” and just like that, he was off to goggle at Rarity, yet again.

Rarity: Glad to know he spends time with me for the plot.

Twilight rolled her eyes. Oh Spike, barely out of the egg and already making fillies swoon.

Twilight: I think you mean creeped out.

Twilight steps outside into the warm air, the sun was shining bright just over the eastern horizon.

Author: But all was quiet on the Western Front.

Closing the door behind her she takes a deep breath and sighs happily,” Looks like Rainbow Dash got up especially early to clear the sky, this is going to be an excellent day!”

Rarity: "Too bad the same can't be said about this story."

She trots down the street, towards Froggy Bottom Bog.

Author: I wonder how it got that name. Was it insulted about its butt while in high school, or something?

While on the road, she sees the turnoff towards Sweet Apple

Twilight: MASSACRE!
Author and Rarity: AHH!
Rarity: Don't do that!
Author: Never mention that ever again!

Acres where Applejack is rounding up a herd of cattle.

Twilight: Does she round to the nearest tenths place or hundredths place?

“Good morning Applejack! Lovely day isn’t it?” Twilight greeted the young workhorse. Applejack looked to see who said that and saw Twilight. With a smile, Applejack said,” Howdy Sugarcube! Shoot it’s a fine morning

Author: Okay. Bang!

if I ever did see one. Perfect weather to take these mooin’ nellies out to pasture!”

Rarity: I'm hesitant to believe that anypony has actually called cows by that name.

She looks at the cattle and some of them were wandering off, Winona barking at them to keep them in line. A cow in the middle of the group moo’ed, “ Oh stop with that barking! You’re causing a rattle in my ears, don’cha know!”

Author: They're Canadian!

Applejack, looking hurried, said back to Twilight,” I’d like to chat more, but

Rarity: "But this is kind of unrelated to the plot, so we should really be moving things along."

these ol’ heffers are more than a hoof full to deal with!” Twilight opened her mouth to say something, but

Twilight: But then realized it would just be a waste of words.

just like that Applejack was off. Twilight yelled,” Don’t work too hard now, Bye!” With that last statement, Twilight trotted down the road, whistling Winter Wrap Up softly as she continued on.

Author: That... feels weird to read.

Twilight could feel her coat becoming sweaty in the humidity as she entered into the low curling trees of Froggy Bottom Bog. She looked all around at the trees, the birds, and the interesting looking plants and creatures in the bog. She heard all around her the croaks of toads,

Author: (Singing) "Why are there so many, songs about rainbows, and what's on the other side?" (Yes I know he's a frog, so SHUT UP!)

chirps of many strange and beautiful birds, and the sound of the wind brushing against the willow branches with a low rustling.

Author: Considering where the story is going, I'd say it was a "high" rustling!
Rarity and Twilight: (groans)

However, the sound that intrigued her most was a high pitched laughter.

Twilight: And by intrigued, we mean she wanted to GET OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW.

Pinkie Pie is already having fun I see, Twilight thought to herself as she walked in the direction of the laughter.

Rarity: Forty six degrees west of north.

When she got closer, she heard what sounded like Rainbow Dash coughing and laughing hysterically. “Come on Dash! I thought you were a tough Pegasus, you silly wimpy dimpy fillie!”

Twilight: Dimpy?

Pinkie Pie said, she hiccupped and made a wheezy laugh.

Rarity: She was a laughing craftsman, you see.

The Pegasus retorted,” Hey! I didn’t see you take more than a single hit

Author: "In the face."

and…” Rainbow Dash looked up and saw a worried eyed Twilight enter their midst,” Hey Twilight! What’s up?”

Author: "Or I should say what's high? And you can guess the answer to that!"

Twilight coughed as she got closer to her friends in a blue gray haze that surrounded them.

Author: Great, the fog from Lost is also here for a smoke.

Her eyes watered up and blurred everything.

Rarity: Why does her eyes have to go and ruin everything!?

”Wha *cough* What is goin*cough* on here! Is there a fi*cough* fire here?!”

Twilight: Did she cough, or just say "cough"?

Twilight barely said, she could hardly breathe without the feeling of hacking up a lung.

Author: Don't worry, you have two.

Pinkie Pie giggled while rolling on the ground, hiccupping every few seconds. Rainbow Dash walked close to Twilight, staggering a little bit. Twilight, still wiping her eyes,

Rarity: Was she wiping them before?

looked up at Dash and nearly jumped back.

Twilight: But then she thought better of it.

Her eyes were blue! “OH MY CELESTIA!

Rarity: Don't speak the reigning monarch's name in vain!

Are you okay Dash!?” Twilight yelled as she took the rainbow colored mare’s head in her hooves, she looks over at Pinkie and yells,

Twilight: "WHAT'S WITH THESE TENSES!?"

” What happened to Dash?” Pinkie stopped rolling around and said in a slurred tone,” Dash?” “YES DASH! WHAT HAPPENED?!” Twilight yelled.

Rarity: Paragraph breaks... need... paragraph breaks...

Pinkie then says,” Dash is not here man.”

Author: Pinkie Pie just referenced Cheech and Chong. My brain has exploded.

Pinkie looks up at Twilight and giggles. Twilight can’t believe it! Pinkies eyes were blue too! “You two wait here, I’ll go get help!”

Twilight: From an editor, I hope.

Twilight shouted in an alarmed voice. “Relax Rarity… I mean Twilight” Rainbow Dash chortled,” Nothing’s wrong here, we’re just Joking.”

All:...
Author: I get it.

Pinkie stood up, wobbly nodding her head,” Yeah Twilight! You came for some Jokey Mc’Smokies right?”

Rarity: That's the most adorable name for a drug I've ever heard.
Author: The people who smoke that must be the bronies of the drug world.

Twilight looked at Pinkie Pie, then at Rainbow Dash. “Are you sure you are alright?” Twilight questioned, worried for the two ponies,” I came here for some comedy, I brought all the books I could find

Twilight: Literally.

and-“ “You don’t *cough* need those books” Dash interrupted with,

Rarity: Well? With what?!

“Twilight. The jokes we’re talking about are right over there!” Dash pointed to a bag made of a rough material,

Twilight: Sand paper?
Rarity: Steel wool?
Author: Rocks?

colored in a light pastel blue that matched Rainbows coat. Pinkie swaggered to the bag, lifted the flap, and pulled out a pad of white papers

Author: That's for writing down all things we could've done instead of reading this crap.

and a bag of a familiar blue plant.

Twilight: "Now where do I remember seeing... Oh, Jeffery! Remember me? We met at that singles bar the other day!

“Girls! That’s poison joke! Remember the last time we touched that stuff?

Rarity: I don't think they can remember anything right now.

Throw it away right now!” Twilight demanded of the pink pony.

Author: She's so demanding.

Pinkie replied,” Well duh! We know what it does when you touch it, you fuddy duddy!”

Rarity: Fuddy?

With that last remark, she stuck her nose into the blue tote bag again, pulling out a pair of tongs in her teeth. “Wbb Smbbbck thbb stuppp”

Author: What's she saying?
Twilight: I think it was something about jeweled circlets.

Pinkie mumbled with the tongs in her teeth. She opens the baggie of Poison Joke, grabs a small bunch of leaves, and places it in the middle of one of the papers. She then rolls the paper around the poison joke and licks the paper to keep it in place. Pinkie reaches in the bag again and pulls out a lighter, Rainbow Dash takes the lighter while Pinkie puts the joint in her mouth, Dash lights it up and Pinkie breathes in, causing the other end to glow bright blue.

Author: Teamwork at its finest!

Pinkies eyes widened with that breath and she holds it for ten seconds before breathing smoke from her pink nosey wosey.

Rarity: Great, now the narrator is using baby talk!

” Here try some!” Pinkie said, handing the joint over to Dash. Rainbow Dash takes a hit and pushes it towards Twilight.”Yeah try some, or are you chick- *hack* chicken.”

Twilight: "CHICKEN?! ... Give me all of it."
Rarity: "But..."
Twilight: "ALL OF IT!"

Dash choked out the last couple of words.
Twilight was visibly shaken by her friends’ request. This seems so wrong, but I don’t want to offend them. Besides they say it’s fun, she thought to herself.

Author: My Little PSA: Drugs aren't Cool, Dog.

Using her magic she lifts the joint into the air in front of her face. She gazes back and forth between the two mares, both cheering her on,” Do it! Do it! Do it!” She licks her lips and brings it closer to her mouth. It feels so wrong! Twilight puts the joint between her lips. Here goes nothing!

Twilight: Except the quality of the story.
Rarity: Darling, I don't think it could get much worse.

Twilight closes her eyes and she inhales deeply.
She hacks and coughs loudly, she felt like her throat would rip out of her!

Author: Marvel's latest hero, Wolverthroat.

She opens her eyes and everything went into a blur. The sky melted into the trees

Author: I can't believe it's not butter.

and became a full rainbow of colors, the flowers seemed to explode into miniature stars made of glitter and sunshine, time slowed down in the middle of her eyes while her peripheral vision sped into different centuries,

Author: "Oh crap, it's the Timecops! Don't let them know we're high!"

she saw worlds begin and end and existence blink out and in. All sound washed together into a symphony as the imagery danced to its tune. Twilight never before had felt like this, she was not sure of anything but certain of everything.

Rarity: I'm getting the feeling that the author wrote the previous three lines, thought they were really good, and decided to make a story around them.

Pinkie and Rainbow looked at her with big grins on their faces as they saw Twilight hack up her first hit. When she recovered and her eyes opened, they saw her pupils were fully dilated and the whites of her eyes were a robin egg’s blue.

Rarity: That's no good, it doesn't match her coat!

“Don’t ya feel super duper happy now, Twilight?! Huh, huh, do ya, do ya?” Pinkie exclaimed as she bounced up and down. Twilight’s eyes circled in opposing directions for a few seconds before she said,” It feels like*cough* the ground* hack* lifted down away *cough*from me*wheeze*”

Twilight: And I feel like I'm reading a poorly written sentence, but hey, it's not like I'm complaining or anything...

“That’s not how the ground lifts from under you silly! This is how it does that!” Pinkie said. Suddenly she shoots up into the sky, going higher and higher until she was just a pink dot in the big blue expanse. “Duuuuuuuuuuuude….. she’s goin’ higher than you ever did, Rainbow!” Twilight mumbled to Dash. “OH YOU WANT TO SEE HIGH?! I’ll go as high as possible,

Twilight: You're already there.

and uh….” Dash scratched her head trying to think then said,” Oh yeah, I’m gonna do a Sonic Rainboom, and you’re gonna be all like,’ Oh my Celestia that’s so cool, Dash! Take me right now, my body is ready’” “What?” Twilight asked.

Rarity: Same with all the readers.

Blushing, Rainbow Dash said,” Um… nevermind. Just watch!”
Dash leaps up in the air and shoots up towards the sky, going higher and higher but waving back and forth when her wings didn’t coordinate properly.

Twilight: "I told you we needed more practice! We'll never be in synch at this rate!"

Twilight looked up, and then fell backwards. “Hehe, too high… up… dash…. Mustache!” She looked around and saw a frog no more than five feet away.

Author: And no less than two.

She closed her eyes and imagined the frog with a mustache. Suddenly hair sprang from the frogs face, scaring it and making it hop away into the trees.

Rarity: That must have been a horrid mustache!

“Oh my gosh! What happened to you Mr. Froggy?”

Twilight: "I got caught up in a bad fanfic, that's what!"

a small voice said outside of Twilights vision. Twilight rolled onto her stomach and got up on her feet. “Fluttershy? You out there?” Twilight slurred. Fluttershy floats into the open,

Rarity: "Do you like my new blimp?"

Twilight blinks momentarily, she does look like a butterfly! “Oh Twilight! I didn’t see you there… um would you happen to know what happened to Mr. Froggy? I mean, if you don’t know then I’ll leave you alone… but um…” Fluttershy said in that shy voice,

Author: Oh, not THAT shy voice!
Twilight: Can't she use that OTHER shy voice?

looking at the ground. Fluttershy glances up at Twilight’s eyes and gasps,” Oh my, what happened? Why are your eyes blue?” She floats closer to Twilight. Twilight giggles and says while chuckling,

Rarity: Impressive. She can giggle AND chuckle at the same time!
Twilight: While also talking.

” Hey ya big ole butterfly! What kinda cocoon did you hatch from?”

Author: Um... Burn?

She laughs out loud, Fluttershy looks nervously around,

Twilight: "Damn it, how did you know!?

” I… what?” Twilight gains control of her laughter and says,” Ya know what you can use, Ms. Butterfly?” she giggles a little “A mustache!”

Author: You know what would be better than a story where Twilight gets high? A story where Fluttershy grows a mustache.

Twilight closes her eyes momentarily. Suddenly a large brush style mustache burst out from Fluttershy’s face. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Fluttershy screamed

Rarity: "You monster! It's a handlebar!"

as she flew back into the woods. Twilight just smiled, eyes shut half-way, and walked down the road back into Ponyville, with the joint still floating near her.

Twilight: I think you mean the "Jokey McSmokies", right?

Flying higher and higher, Rainbow Dash already ate two or three bugs

Author: A grasshopper and two stinkbugs.

on the way to the highest point she can muster. “Jeeze! How in Equestria did Pinkie Pie get up here!”

Rarity: Fabulous, they share the exact same hallucinations.

Rainbow whispers to herself. Dash forgets to flap her wings for a second and falls slightly.

Author: Physics! Congratulations on remembering it exists!

“Okay, settle down girl! Now to dive and do a…. um……

Author: A cannon ball?

sonic rainboom! That’s right, and teach little Miss Know-it-all that I can beat that Pinkie Pie any day!” Rainbow Dash looks down, the ground is swirling underneath her. She rubs her eyes, but the world is still spinning.

Twilight: Yeah, it kinda does that.

Suddenly, two large eyes and a mouth appear from the ground. Rainbow Dash screams,” Don’t you create faces at me, Equestria!

Author: (laughing) Holy crap, that line just made my day!

I’m going to do a rainboom and nothing is gonna stop me!” The planetary face opens it mouth, spewing the largest rainbow that Dash had ever seen in her life.

Author: "That's the second biggest rainbow I've ever seen!"

“FOR POOOOONNNNNYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!” Rainbow screams as she rockets downward, a blue missile aimed directly for the rainbow. Faster and faster she goes, the air stinging her blue veiny eyes as the rainbow get’s closer and closer. *BOOOOOM* the sound rippled through the air as Rainbow Dash busted through the large heavenly rainbow ring above her, trailing the visible light spectrum behind her.

Rarity: I think we've just learned the true secret to making a sonic rainboom.

The rainbow she was diving for disappeared and behind it was the lake in the Bog. She didn’t stop and she hit the water with extreme

Author: Prejudice.

force.
Applejack was rounding the cattle into a meadow; she peered over a small mole hill and saw Froggy Bottom Bog.

Rarity: That's exactly where i would keep my cattle, right next to a bog with horrible flesh-eating monsters.

“Awright Winona! This is a good place to stop, bring it in!” Applejack shouted at her dog that was rounding up the last bovine into the open. Winona runs towards Applejack, but then looks to her left and starts barking.

Twilight: "What is it, girl? You say there's another silly plot line just down the road?"

Applejack shouted again,” Consarnit Winona! What are you barkin’ up a storm for.” She looks where Winona is barking, and she sees Twilight stumbling down the road. “Oh my, maybe I should go see what’s wrong wi-“ Suddenly, Twilight appeared right in front of her.

All: Ahh!
Author: Don't do that!

Cockeyed and blue eyed, she had the largest and dumbest grin that Applejack has ever seen.

Twilight: Second place was Derpy after she ate a muffin.

“Twi, are you feelin’ alright? C’mon I can send you home in a jiffy!”

Author: "Just bought it from my cousin last week. He works at a used car dealership.

Applejack said, worrying for her friend. Twilight only said,” Mustache!”

Rarity: I have a feeling this is going to be a running theme.

She closed her eyes, and then a thick handlebar mustache appears on Applejacks face. “What the? How didja? GET THIS RATTY EYESORE OFF MY FACE!”

Twilight: "I only like beards!"

Applejack demanded, but Twilight closed her eyes and disappeared in a flash.

Author: What, the jiffy wasn't good enough for you?

Applejack reached for her face, touching the curly lock from under her snout, she groaned,” How am I gonna get this off?!

All: ...
Author: Yeah, Sherlock Holmes you aren't.

Uuuuuuugh! I’ll have to get Big Macintosh’s shears to get this thing off.”

Author: (evil grin) With a rusty knife, perchance?
Rarity and Twilight: (shiver)

Applejack looks up and see’s a blue blur flying towards the ground,” What the, is that Rainbow Dash…” The blur exploded

Author: "Nope, just a bomb. Better duck into the shelter."

into a ring of rainbow colors, with a streak of rainbow following it. “Boy Howdy! She dun did it again! YEE HAW!” Applejack cheered until she heard a loud THWACK from where the Dash hit the Bog.

Rarity: Does hitting water usually make a "thwack" noise?

“Dash…” Applejack whimpered. In a matter of seconds, a giant wall of water rises from the bog. Applejack stares for a moment in shock,

Twilight: Water plus electricity. This could end poorly.

then rounds on Winona and yells,” Move em’ back! Hurry!”
After walking into three houses unannounced, Twilight was effectively shooed away

Rarity: They all had "Druggie-B-Gone" spray.

by each resident when she gave them a mustache. She finally stumbled into town, everything she saw looked like marshmallows and sugar beams.

Author: "Whoa, dude... Why's everything look like Rarity?"

A young Pegasus was making her rounds to each mailbox, stuffing the mail in them, usually in the wrong end. “HEY DERPY!” Twilight yelled at the gray Pegasus.

Author: Remember how Derpy was an amusing character to the fandom? Well, it was fun while it lasted...

Derpy looked down and saw Twilight and a squirrel. She flies to the squirrel and asks,” Muffin?” “Over here, Herpaderp! I got something you might like.” Twilight said,

Rarity: Twilight just said "herpaderp". I've officially seen everything.

trying to entice Derpy. Derpy trotted

Twilight: In the air?

towards Twilight with a sidelong wall-eyed stare.

Author: ... The hell is that supposed to mean?

Before she could say anything, Twilight stuck the poison joke joint into her mouth. Twilight saw Derpy’s eyes spin around, and then change shape and color like a slot machine in Las Pegasus.

Author: Alright, where can I get me some of this shit? I want it just for that last sentence alone.

Derpy’s eyes stopped spinning, both pointing forward and face disgruntled. “Twilight, I cannot begin to contemplate how in Equestria you were able to come across such a foul and ridiculous habit?” Derpy questioned Twilight,

Rarity: Gah! It was a statement but also... a question?
Twilight: Don't think too much about it, you'll sprain your brain.

straightening her posture. She pulls out a top hat and monocle from her mailbag and continues to say,” If you will excuse me, I am late for my meeting with the Mayor. I will have a droll time explaining how my day was almost ruined by a Ms. Twilight Sparkle and her filthy poison joke cigarette.” She dons the hat and monocle,” Good day to you, Mam!” Derpy flies away towards the Mayor’s Office, leaving Twilight standing there wondering, “What the hell just happened?”

All: AGREED!

She takes another hit of the poison joke joint, and then trots towards town while enjoying the dancing and singing trees.

Author: Hold on! STOP! We're taking a break, NOW!
Twilight: What? Is something wrong?
Author: BREAK! NOW!

---

Author: Let me get this straight... So when Derpy does the drug, she receives the joke effect of turning smart, along with being high off her ass?
Rarity: Um... Yes, I suppose so.
Author: So why the HELL did none of the other characters suffer from the joke effects?! Twilight shouldn't be able to cast any magic, and Rainbow Dash shouldn't be able to fly more than five feet without crashing into anything! The bog is the exception! And Pinkie Pie shouldn't be able to even say anything! GAH!
Twilight: Take it easy!
Rarity: Admittedly, logical fallacies can be quite frustrating. But you can't give up now!
Author: You're right, maybe I should actually experience it for myself before actually making judgments.
Rarity: Is that...?!
Author: I wrote some into existence a second ago. I'll just take a small whiff. (Inhales)
Twilight: ... Well?
Author: ... Besides the ostrich sitting on your head, everything seams ohkey.
Rarity: Um... Author?
Author: It's knot lich aye'm feeling weird, oar maybe since aye'm stoned aye Kent tail.
Twilight: I... can't understand him.
Rarity: Try sounding it out phonetically.
Author: Weight... Aye thing thee affect is wearing off...
(Buzzer goes off)
All: We got story sign!
Author: Oh... My head...

---

Spike was loading another crate onto the closest chariot parked outside the Carousel Boutique, grunting while lifting it onto the open bed.

Author: Spike must not have had that much luck with the ladies that night.

Rarity was magically floating another couple into a similar chariot next to it, she looks over to Spike and says,”

Twilight: "Faster, slave!"

Thank you again for helping me with all this work. Manual labor is no task for a lady, and I would of simply died if I had to do this myself.”

Rarity: "Literally."

“Ooooh, my pleasure!” Spike said, voice cracking from being near his one true love,

Author: I guess you could say the atmosphere was really "charged"! (Twilight smacks him)

” Anything to help my swe- I mean I would do this for anypony!” Hoity Toity walked next to Rarity,” This is simply fabulous work. All the dresses are accounted for. It would have been done sooner if it wasn’t for each and every one of my ‘workers’ didn’t have the same excuse of some weirdo yellow unicorn making them sick.

Author: Aptly named "Yellow Sunshine."

The nerve of some ponies!” Rarity, blushing, said,” It was no problem, Mr. Toity. Anything for one of the most handsome and debonair ponies in Cant- OWWW!” Something pulled sharply at her tail; she rounds herself to see a familiar looking yellow unicorn. “You, Scoundrel! My tail is not a piece of biscotti you could just enjoy with tea!”

Author: Badum-Tish.
Rarity: I, for one, thought that joke was smashing!

The yellow unicorn spits out Rarity’s tail, looks up with blue eyes and says,” Sorry Celestia. I just wanted… food and *hack* that purple bush looked so tasty and…” Spike looks at the unicorn.” Twilight, is that you? What happened to you? Why are you yellow?”

Rarity: "Because that color looks FABULOUS on you!
Twilight: Psst... Rarity! Spike's the one talking, not you!
Rarity: What?! Well, maybe if the author would actually create a new paragraph for each pony speaking...
Author: And dragon.
Rarity: Shut up!

Spike asked, walking around Twilight, feeling her fur and tail to see if it was really a dye that turned her yellow. “Oh Spike, you’re crazy, just like oatmeal…

Author: Hey, don't kid like that. A psychotic oatmeal killed my father.

friggin mooch, taking my money! Stupid oatmeal! But *hiccup* on another note, I de*hiccup* deci* hiccup*

Twilight: I think you're getting "stoned" and "drunk" confused.

decided that each and everypony here deserves a present!” A yellow Twilight stumbled and closed her eyes, showing strain. A bright light flashed for half a second.

Rarity: They had a stopwatch for that.

Rarity, Hoity Toity, and Spike opened their eyes and their jaws all fell.

Author: Right off.

They each had a thick, bushy, mustache hanging off of their faces. Rarity’s eyes bugged out as she screamed,” OH CELESTIA! CELESTIA!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY FACE!”

Rarity: Just asking because IT'S GORGEOUS!

Her eyes rolled in the back of her head

Twilight: How'd they get back there?

and she fainted right on the spot. Spike stroked his mustache,” Way to go Twilight! I missed my fuzzy facial friend.”

Author: "Although we did keep in touch on Facebook". (Rarity slaps him)

He petted the stache,” Who’s a good mustache, you are! Yes you are so sweet!” Hoity, simply frazzled, took out a pocket mirror and shrieked like a little filly.” Why did you do this?! I haven’t worn a mustache since I was in band, Village Stable, as the police officer!”

Rarity: Look at that, an attempt at a comedic one liner. Too bad I have no clue what it means.
Author: I guess he played the baton.

He said in a whiny voice, he put the mirror back in his coat pocket and sighed,” Oh well, at least with these dresses, we will set the fashion world on Fire!”

Author: "Hoity Toity was arrested today on charges of arson."

Twilight’s eyes spun around a little then yelled,” I bring fire, Cavepony!” She closed her eyes, a flash of light appeared, and the crates burst into flames. Hoity screamed,” Oh My! Fire, Fire! Somepony please help! My dresses, my dresses!”
As the crates grew brighter and the smoke rose higher, the ground started to shake. Hoity Toity looking shocked, trying to see what was causing the earth to shake,

Twilight: Same here.

while Twilight was trying to spin on her horn. They see a plume of dust rise from Froggy Bottom Bog, in front was a herd of stampeding cows. Applejack, and her thick glorious mustache, was galloping alongside them when she see’s everypony and yells,” TIDAL WAVE! EVERYPONY RUN FOR THE HILLS!”

Rarity: "And not that molehill I was peeking over earlier, although that could... You know what? Just run!

and she was off towards the other side of the town. Spike, Hoity Toity, and Twilight look again and see a massive wall of water rush towards them.

Author: The other team is trying to blitz them!

Spike and Hoity turn to run; the pegasus’ pulling the chariots loosened their harnesses and flew upward, away from the wave. Before anypony got far enough, the water crashed into them, flipping the chariots and breaking a few of the windows of the boutique.

Author: "Stop! You've violated the law! Pay the court a fine or serve your sentence!"

Twilight was flung into the side of the building, knocking the wind out of her; the poison joke joint was washed away.

Twilight: But the fire's put out. Fashion is saved!
Rarity: Not quite, they were dry-clean only.

Mr. and Mrs. Cake were kind as always to Zecora by giving her an extra cookie in her batch.

Twilight: I'm sorry, I seem to have stumbled into a different story.

“Come again soon!” they said as she walked towards the door. “Come to this store I always will, when visiting your Ponyville!” Zecora said gratefully as she walked outside.

Rarity: I just want to know what she bought.
Author: Probably just a few batches of cupcakes.

She steps off of the deck when her hoof makes a SQUISH! She looks around, her eyes widen as she said,” Why does water soak this lane, when there wasn’t a drop of rain?”

Twilight: Is that a trick question?

She gallops through the town and reaches the Carousel Boutique. Several chariots were overturned; partially burnt dresses and crates littered the place.

Author: Give a hoot, don't pollute!

She sees a dragon and a fancy pony in a tree, both completely soaked. On the roof, she spies Rarity screaming,” Please won’t somepony help?! I don’t want to die with a musta-a-a-ache! Muahahahahaha!”

Rarity: Can we do another take on that cry? That was more an evil laugh.

She cries on her own boutique. “How did this happen to this place? If someone is at fault, they must show their face!” Zecora yelled. Down the muddy street,

Author: I guess that's where the band "Puddle of Mud" lives! (slapped by both Rarity and Twilight)

an orange Pegasus is walking towards them. Zecora squints her eyes to focus on her; she was wet, her mane tangled, and her eyes cockeyed and blue. The orange Pegasus tripped on her way over. “Don’t worry! It’s just me, Dainbow Rash,

Twilight: "Greatest scratcher in all of Equestria!"

I mean…” Rainbow Dash fell over before she could finish her sentence. Zecora sighed,” I’m aghast, but no surprise. I see poison joke in her eyes.” Dash lifted her head and said,” Heck yeah! I would offer you some, but it got washed away. Oh… um…. Sorry ‘bout that, but it did make a wicked Sonic Rainboom!” Twilight got up and staggered towards Zecora, shaking her head as she said,” Uuugh! What happened, I *hic*… ooooooh! My head hurts!” Grasping her head in her hooves, Zecora stood over her and spoke down to her,” Of the once blue now orange pony I can see, but with you how can it possibly be? A better head on your shoulders you spoke, never once did I think you toke.”

Author: (laughing) Okay, that line has also just made my day!
Rarity: "Never once did I think you toke..."
Twilight: "Or even that you'd go and smoke."
Author: "Next time, I suggest some coke.

Zecora puts a hoof around one of Twilights yellow soaking wet locks and explained,” Poison Joke is easy to a trained eye. The coat changes into a different dye. While touching the plants have unclear ends. Inhaling poison joke makes certain trends.”

Rarity: Trends? What?

A herd of ponies, many still wet and shaken, entered the area around the Carousel Boutique. The mayor at the head walks up to Zecora and asks,” What happened, we all were going about our daily routines when suddenly, SPLOOSH!

Rarity: "I don't understand why it's me you ask. Is it because I'm a zebra, you racist bas-"
Author: Stop.
Rarity: But...
Author: It wouldn't have even partially rhymed if I'd let you continue.

The whole town is soaked, plants and wagons are upturned everywhere! We were just lucky that everypony survived!”

Author: It's a drug PSA. No one ever dies in one.

A low murmur exuded from the crowd, a wall of worried faces looking between each other. Zecora faced the mayor and said,” It is my most unfortunate shame, to show these two are to blame.” She pointed to the yellow Twilight and orange Rainbow Dash.

Twilight: They're so out of character, they've changed color.
Rarity: Just like when Discord was messing with our personalities!
Twilight: I get it! The author must have planned this all along! He or she's brilliant!
Author: They're so out of character, they're out of "coloracter"! (neck snapped by Twilight, but he's okay since this no one can die in a PSA)

” When poison joke is there to inhale, only madness and chaos will prevail.” The mayor scowled as she looked at the two doomed mares and bellowed,” This is completely unacceptable! Not only did you smoke Poison Joke, against the law I might add,

Author: You have to be twenty one or older.

but you almost destroyed the town because of it.” She raised her hoof,” As mayor of Ponyville, I will see you go to court! This crime is punishable by community service for-“

Author: OBJECTION!

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie’s head bursts out of the ground. Her head is now a cool greenish blue and she growls,” FOREVER!”

Rarity: Did Pinkie Pie just riff the story she was in?
Twilight: It's not the first time.

The mayor rolls her eyes and says,” Not forever. I was about to say ‘until your coat changes back to its normal color.” Pinkie Pie said,” Oh, woopsie doopsie! Hahahahahaha” The mayor then places a hoof on her face.

Author: I've been wanting to do that all story. Except with my fist. And a lot harder.

The next morning, Spike is running through a sea of zombie ponies.

Twilight: Anyone up for a swim?

A double barrel shotgun

Author: "This is my boomstick!"

in one claw and a frightened Rarity clinging onto another.” Oh Spike, they are everywhere! What are we ever to do?” She places a hoof on her head. Spike grabs onto her shoulders and says,” Whatever happens here tonight, babe, I won’t let them take you away. We will get away if I have to put a slug in each and every undead scum of a mule here!” Rarity blushes and says softly,” Kiss me you fool!” He bends down slowly, about to kiss her beautiful lips.

Author: You know what? This is awesome. I don't care if the writer just jumped into a completely different story, this looks so bad ass! I want to see where this story goes!

*CRASH* Spike falls onto the floor next to his bed. He gets up, clasps his head, and groans.

Author: (sighs) Nevermind...

He opens his eyes and sees a yellow and purple swirled pony standing above him. “Are you okay Spike?” Twilight asked as she put an icepack on his head with her magic. The sky was still pitch black through the windows;

Rarity: It seems SOME alicorn hasn't been doing their job.

the time on the clock was 4:30 A.M. “Better than you, I should say. Look at you, Twi-dye Sparkle” Spike chuckled,” If I was you, I would totally keep that fur pattern! Maybe you can form a drum circle with Fluttershy and Angel.”

Author: That... Actually sounds kind of interesting. More interesting THAN THIS BLOODY STORY! GAH!
Rarity: Author! Language!
Author: Oh, c'mon, this story is rated R for language, and there's BARELY BEEN ANY! SO I'LL CURSE RIGHT NOW! (takes deep breath) BUCK!
Twilight: Wow. Don't over do it now. Drama queen...

He laughed even harder. Twilight rolled her eyes and said,” While it does look neat, only when it’s gone can I stop doing community service.” She groaned in her shame muttering,” How can I let myself do something so dumb, Spike? I knew that it felt wrong, but I just let them tell me what to do.”

Author: "If only had some totally radical mascot to tell a young thang like me what to say when faced with peer pressure!

With that she perked her head up, she said in a more authoritative tone,” Spike, take a letter!”

Rarity: But ask permission, first.

Spike grumbled and walked over to the table, he picked up a piece of parchment and a feather pen,” Alright I’m all ears.”

Twilight. "Literally."

Dear Princess Celestia,

I learned that while doing activities with your friends is a fun and worthwhile endeavor, one must know what is right and wrong.

Rarity: Everything is black and white in Equestria!

If something your friends are doing feels wrong to you and maybe hurting themselves or others, then you should put your hoof down and say no. Making your friends mad is no fun,

Author: "But making them high is hilarious!"

but falling into peer pressure can be harmful to yourself and others around you, and that is no fun at all. A true friend will respect your decisions and listen to your opinions and, in the end, both of you will be happier and better for it. Having self confidence and doing what is right instead of following the crowd is hard, but is a sign of true wisdom and courage. In the end, ponies will respect you for your bravery.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

Author: P.S. If you're looking for a good dealer, try behind Sugar Cube Corner at 3 AM.

“Did you get all that?” Twilight asked. Spike nodded his head,

Rarity: "Nope!"

” Yup!” “Great.” Twilight said as she put on her reflective orange vest.

Author: She's working for the department of transportation?

Spike tried to stifle a laugh, a tie dye purple and yellow unicorn wearing a shiny orange vest is very hard not to laugh at.

Rarity: It. Is. ON!

Twilight sighed,” Well, I’m off to do my duties. I have to clean off all the houses that were hit by the wave yesterday.” With her head lowered, she walked out of the house, into the shadows of the early morning darkness. With the letter in hand, Spike had an excellent idea.

Author: He's going to draw dicks all over it before sending the letter off.

He goes to a dresser next to the bookshelves, pulls it away to reveal a hole in the wall.

Author: If you can fit through the cutout, you can win the grand prize!

He reaches into the hole and pulls out a small bag. He upturns the bag onto the freshly written note, a fresh wad of mashed up poison joke. He burns the note, sending it off to Celestia, and giggles hard to himself as he walks back to his little bed.

Twilight: Spike. You are officially the stupidest individual I know.

On the platform overlooking the valley, Luna focuses her magic on the moon. The giant silver sphere blinks out of existence as the night comes to an end. “All done, Sister. Let the night end and the day begin.” She smiled at Celestia as she walked away into the castle. Celestia smiled back at Luna,” Well done, I’m so pleased that you are happy and well.”

Rarity: That was so forced.
Author: You can just tell they hate each others guts.

She turns to walk up on the platform when suddenly a burst of green flame sprouted in front of her. A note appeared in a thick blue haze of smoke. Celestia hacked and coughed when she breathed in that smoke in shock.

Author: This is why you higher security to pre-screen your letters. Could you imagine if there was ammonia in there?

She used a wing to blow the excess smoke away to nothing, and then she just stood there. Her eyes widened, her smile grew, and all throughout Canterlot, her giddy high pitched laughter filled the air.

Rarity: Oh my...

She tiptoed over on the platform and closed her eyes. The sun shot up in the sky and glowed in many different colors. In the center was a huge goofy looking smiley face. “Sun soooooo pretty!” Celestia mumbled as the sun danced in the sky.

Twilight: And the apocalypse is here.
Author: Everyone burns to death or freezes. Happy days.

The End.

Rarity: By far the best two words in the entire story.
Twilight: Seconded.
Author: Thirded.

---

Author: I'm curious now as to what else can make ponies high.
Twilight: We... don't really talk about it in Equestria.
Rarity: You may find this difficult to believe, but drug problems are quite rare.
Author: I wonder why?
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) They do exist! Not many kinds, but there's been some stuff in the cities. Like, I remember this one stallion tried selling me some "Sonic Rainbooms".
Rarity: There's also "Gem Rocks".
Twilight Sparkle: I'll admit, I had a small problem with "Parchment Powder" when I was younger, but I'm clean now.
Author: Although I have a feeling you've suffered a relapse or two...
Twilight: What was that?
Author: Nothing!
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) That's nothing! I remember when I used to be hooked on this thing called "Sugar"!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Pinkie Pie? I think you're still hooked on that stuff.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) What? Don't be silly!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) It's what you use in all your ingredients! It's not even a drug, just something you like to eat!
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Oh, uh... That's right! Sorry!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) The things I put up with for pranks...
(Rainbow Dash presses the button, and the TV turns off with a blip)