The Bank Shot Dolls

For reasons unknown to all but a select few pegasi, it was a hazy morning in Ponyville.  Sterile white light filtered through the clouds and scattered through the fog, making three fillies making their way through the town’s shopping district all but invisible.

 “Where are we going?” asked Scootaloo.

“Well, it is a Tuesday morning, so I kind of figured we were going to school,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Aw, but Ah don’t wanna go to school!” Apple Bloom exclaimed, “The last time we went, everypony else just laughed at us! We’ve been crusadin for sixth months now and we still ain’t found our cutie marks! Ah can’t take this humiliation no more!”

“Oh come on, it’s not all that bad…” said Sweetie Belle.

“Yes it is!” shouted Scootaloo, “Yesterday at  recess, Diamond Tiara told me that that Rainbow Dash was signing autographs behind the school, but when I went to check it out there was nopony there!”

“Well that’s not very nice, but you are a pretty big fan of hers, I guess I see how they could think that would be funny,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Then they said that she was here a minute ago, but flew off when she heard I was coming because I can’t fly and she hates me!” said Scootaloo.

“Come on, we know Rainbow Dash better than they do, you know she wouldn’t say that,” Sweetie Belle replied.

“Then they bucked crab apples at me and said my special talent must be deflecting them with my face!” cried Scootaloo.

“Wow...” stammered Sweetie Belle, “Well; at least it didn’t leave a stain.  If I got crab apple juice in my coat Rarity would have a fit.”

“Oh Ah can’t take this no more, Ah just can’t!” cried Apple Bloom, “If we go back to school without our cutie marks, those bullies will just keep pickin on us, this is just ridiculous!”

“Perhaps I could be of assistance,” said a voice to their left.  The Cutie Mark Crusaders turned to look for the speaker.  They saw two figures in a darkened alleyway.  They stepped out of the shadows, and approached the cutie mark crusaders, allowing them to take a closer look.  There was a gray earth pony stallion with a fox for a cutie mark, and a blue earth pony stallion with a cat for a cutie mark, both of whom were wearing shabby looking top hats.  “Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Wilyfellow. My companion’s name is Churlity, but he doesn’t speak,” said the gray pony.  “Now I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but unless I misheard it seems that you fillies are becoming discouraged with your search for your cutie marks.”

“Discouraged? I guess that’s one way of putting it.” said Sweetie Belle.  “Our last attempt to get our cutie marks resulted in 350,000 bits worth of property damage, and we got banned from Whitetail Forest until we’re grown up.”

“What?  But how did you…” Wilyfellow began.

“Ya see,” said Apple Bloom, “We all thought it would be fahn and dandy if we got forest service cutie marks, so we decided to try our hooves at prescribed burnin.”

“But how…” Wilyfellow protested.

“Yeah, but locating patches of plants that are inflammable enough to present a future fire hazard, but not enough so that we’ll lose control of the fire turned out to be harder than we thought.  When the fires first started we thought it was awesome, but that was before we heard the sirens,” said Scootaloo.

“We had no ahdea that were so close to that fancy new rich pony subdivision they were constructin up in there,” Apple Bloom added.

“And now, we can’t go back to the Whitetail Forest until we’ve grown up and undergone follow up psychiatric evaluations,” said Sweetie Belle, “Even worse, we didn’t even get our cutie marks!”

There was a long pause as Wilyfellow and Churlity looked at each other in disbelief before turning back to the Crusaders. “… How unfortunate,” said Wilyfellow, “As I was saying, perhaps what you fillies need is a vacation.”

“A vacation?” asked Apple Bloom.  “That certainly would be nahs, but we don’t get tahm off from school for another three weeks, and Ah want mah cutie mark now!”

“Then why not take the day off?  We are inviting you to The Chamber of Indulgence!” said Wilyfellow.

“The Chamber of Indulgence?” the Crusaders asked in unison.

“Yes,” said Wilyfellow, “A newly discovered loophole in local statutes has allowed my employer to open a saloon with no age restrictions.  It’s the grand opening too, so you can smoke, drink, and play pool as much as you want all day, free of charge for promotional purposes!  There are so many fun things to do, there’s no way you won’t find something you’re good at, and if bullies call you blank flanks, you can buck them in the teeth, and nopony will stop you!”

“Smokin and drinkin? Ah thought that was illegal for fillies. What’s this y’all said about a loophole?” asked Apple Bloom.

“It’s all very technical, but the important thing is, that it is legal for now, and should the city council discover this, they won’t be able to amend the necessary laws until after they’ve returned from their recess 3 weeks from now.  If your special talents really are related to smoking drinking or playing pool, you don’t want to wait until you are the theoretical legal age to get your cutie marks, do you?”

“Well, we sure as hay wasn’t about to get goin to school cutie marks.  Whadda y’all say we head on over to the Chamber of Indulgence and check it out?” asked Apple Bloom.

“I don’t know about this.” said Sweetie Belle. “I didn’t think that playing pool was legal at any age, and Rarity said she’d ban me from her house if she ever caught me smoking; she said she wants to keep the smell out of her fabric.”

“Oh Sweetie Belle, your sister is the fussiest pony ever!” exclaimed Scootaloo, “She said the same thing when you got your face painted for the talent show.  I’ll bet that she’d…”

“Churlity, what the buck are you doing?” Wilyfellow interrupted as Churlity reluctantly put away the wooden mallet he was about to hit Sweetie Belle over the head with. “I already told you, this isn’t that kind of a job.  Are you trying to scare these fillies off or what?”

The Crusaders stared at Wilyfellow and Churlity and backed away.

“My apologies, my friend here behaves a little strangely when he doesn’t take his horse pills,” said Wilyfellow. “Still, I hope that you will consider coming to The Chamber of Indulgence. You can find it next to the abandoned mansion two blocks from the Mane Plaza, and you won’t have to worry about Churlity here bothering you, he’ll be out here with me continuing our promotions. You can find Ferrymane there; tell her that we sent you. Farewell, my friends.” Wilyfellow and Churlity disappeared into the mist.

“Those two did seem a little weird, but The Chamber of Indulgence still sounds awesome.  What do you two think?” asked Scootaloo.

“I don’t know, it could be fun but can’t we wait until after school to go?” said Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “Oh come on Sweetie Belle, we can go to the chamber of indulgence now and get our cutie marks while having fun, or we can go to school where Silver Spoon will help us try to get sand eating cutie marks.  Is that what you want?”

“Well we have had perfect attendance so far, I suppose they’d forgive us for skipping just one day...” said Sweetie Belle.

“Then that settles it,” said Apple Bloom.  “We’re gonna to ditch school and go hang out in a saloon!”

“Cutie Mark Crusader Derelicts! Yay!”

*** *** ***

The abandoned mansion was strangely quiet today. Usually the Crusaders could hear the laughter of Ponyville’s delinquent fillies and colts, or crashes from a fight when they got this close, but they didn’t hear a sound. To the right they saw a small building constructed from brick masonry.  They had seen this building before while passing through the town, but this time the boards covering the door were gone.  There was a large arcano-neon sign labeled “Chamber of Indulgence” hung above the door.  It was unlit, but seemed to be in working order, and looked like all it would take was for a unicorn to give it a jolt of magical energy to light it.

“Well, this sure looks like the place,” said Apple Bloom.

“Yes,” said Sweetie Belle, “but it sure does look a bit inconspicuous for a grand opening.  I wonder why that is?”

“Well that’s obvious,” said Scootaloo, “The owners must not want the city council to discover it. Wilyfellow said that they’d amend the law so we can’t go there anymore if they find it.

“Come on, let’s go check it out!” said Apple Bloom.

So the Cutie Mark Crusaders walked through the door. They noticed that the insides of the Chamber of Indulgence looked like a fairly typical tavern.  A bit of light filtered in through the still boarded windows, and they could see bits of cobwebs floating through the air.  It seemed that the place had been cleaned recently, but the job was apparently rushed.

A tall unicorn mare with a paddle wheel ferry for a cutie mark stepped out from the shadows behind the bar.  “Welcome to the Chamber of Indulgence!” she said “My name is Ferrymane, how can I help you today?”

“Wilyfellow told us that this was a cool place to hang out!” said Scootaloo

“Yeah, we’re going to get our cutie marks!” Sweetie Belle added.

Ferrymane chuckled.  “Well since it is our grand opening today, you can smoke, drink and play pool as much as you want, free of charge! You three look like you’d be good at playing pool, why don’t I set you up at a table downstairs?”

“Well, that’s mighty kahnd of you ma’am, we’d love that!” said Apple Bloom

Ferrymane pulled a lever behind the  bar, and a shelf covered with hard apple cider bottles, apparently glued to the shelves, split open to reveal a staircase. “Follow me please,” she told the Crusaders.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders followed Ferrymane into a sprawling vaulted chamber, built from bricks looking somewhat newer than the ones outside.  They stopped for a moment to take a look at the real Chamber of Indulgence. The saloon was dimly lit, except for the neon signs hung from the brick and mortar walls.  There was a bison cow holding up a hoof full of cigars on one sign.  On another sign there was a pegasus stallion who appeared to be sleeping with his muzzle in an empty tankard, and on another there was a stylized eight ball with arrows pointing between it and other balls, indicating its trajectory.  The light from the eight ball sign flashed behind an off balanced ceiling fan which buffeted the air, making a persistent rattling sound.  There were plenty of tankards behind a second bar, but most of the ale was stored in giant kegs which surrounded the pool tables.  There were also several shelves around the room, lined with cigar boxes.

“You can find the rules of play posted on the sign next to the cue rack. Have fun, and if you need anything at all, just let me know,” Ferrymane said, her voice trailing off as she walked back up the stairs.

*** *** ***

Twenty minutes later the Cutie Mark Crusaders had finished reading the rules, filled their tankards, and were beginning a game of straight pool.  Scootaloo had decided that she was the most awesome pool player of them all, so Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle would be taking turns playing against her.  Scootaloo drew back her cue and lost her balance as she thrusted at the cue ball.  The ball rocketed to the side and bounced into the rack, breaking it open. “Ha, beat that!” she shouted before pretending to drink from her tankard.

“Ya know what? Ah think Ah will,” Apple Bloom declared. She put her hooves together on the table, holding one end in her hooves, and holding the butt of the cue in her mouth sideways. She twisted her neck forward, propelling the cue ball into the eleven ball. This accomplished little more than rearranging the table. “Ouch!” she muttered, rubbing her neck.

“You’re holding the cue wrong” said Scootaloo.

“Oh, hush Scootaloo, how would ya know how to hold a cue?” said Apple Bloom.

“Well, I’ve never played pool before, but you almost sprained your neck, so I don’t think that’s the way,” Scootaloo replied.

“Fine, show me how you’d do it,” said Apple Bloom.

“Fine, watch this!” said Scootaloo. She awkwardly clamped her cue between her left foreleg and her wings, and batted the butt of her cue with her right foreleg.  The cue ball spun toward the fifteen ball, which ricocheted around the table, shifting balls as it rolled until it came to a rest.  “Eh, sorry, I’m too drunk to shoot straight,” She said, grinning as she held up her tankard.

“Oh knock it off, ya ain’t drunk,” Apple Bloom said as Sweetie Belle positioned the pool cue over her wrists.

“What? How do you know? You’ve never been drunk,” Sweetie Belle said before grasping her cue by the balance point.

“Yeah Ah have!” explained Apple Bloom. “This one time Ah snuck into mah family’s cellar and drank the stuff at the bottom of the tubs mah brother keeps down there. Sister filly sure was aggravated.”

Sweetie Belle glided her cue over her forelegs, and the cue ball drove the eleven ball into a pocket.  She did the same to the fifteen ball before her luck ran out and the three ball ended up nowhere near the pocket.

“Sweetie Belle, that’s amazing!” exclaimed Scootaloo as she put down her tankard, “How did you do that?”

“Oh, it’s easy,” said Sweetie Belle, “All you have to do is draw an imaginary line from the cue ball to the…” she stopped as her eyes wandered to Scootaloo’s tankard. “Scootaloo, you liar! You haven’t even drunken any yet!”

“That’s not true!” Scootaloo protested. “I just uh, refilled it while you weren’t looking!”

Sweetie Belle shook her head. “Here, let me show you how to get a beer drinking cutie mark!” she said. She poured the yellow liquid into her mouth, and a moment later a vein on her forehead pulsed before she spat the brew across the table.  “Holy meadow muffins, how can grownup ponies stand this stuff?” Sweetie Belles cried as she stared at her tankard in despair.

“It’s a mature taste,” Apple Bloom smugly replied as she drank from hers.  “Now what was that ya said about meadow muffins?”

“I read it off that sign there,” Sweetie Belle said, pointing to a poster pasted to a pillar behind Apple Bloom.  “They have all sorts of neat swears written on them.”

“Can you two be quiet for a minute? I’m trying to concentrate.” Scootaloo said as she mimicked Sweetie Belle’s technique.  With a few jerks of her neck, she sunk the ten and two balls before getting a bit overexcited and sinking the cue ball.

Sweetie Belle got up to take a look around as Apple Bloom positioned the cue ball for another shot.  She went to the nearest shelf, selected the most expensive looking box of cigars she could find, and picked up a book of matches.  She thought she could hear something behind the shelf, but she decided that her friends had made the sound, attributing it to the chamber’s acoustics. By the time she had returned, Apple Bloom had already sunk the six and nine balls.  “Hey girls, how am I supposed to light this darn thing?” Sweetie Belle asked, clutching the match book between her hooves and a cigar between her teeth.

Apple Bloom lost her concentration and the thirteen ball lazily rolled away from the rest of the balls. “Princess Luna on a stick, Sweetie Belle, look what ya gone and made me do!  And ah don’t think ya should be doing that, the housin industry is still recoverin from the last time ya started a fire in these parts.”

“Never mind, I got it,” Sweetie Belle said as she inhaled from her cigar shallowly, her eyes watering.  

“Here, give me one of those, Sweetie Belle!” Scootaloo said from across the table.  She lit her cigar, inhaled deeply, and she blew a puff of smoke out her nostrils after sinking the seven ball.

“Scootaloo, are ya sure ya should be doin that?” Apple Bloom asked from across the room as she refilled her tankard. “Rainbow Dash said ya gotta have near perfect lung capacity if ya wanna join the Wonder Bolts.”

Scootaloo proceeded to sink the eight ball. “Don’t worry about it Apple Bloom,” She said, waving her cigar through the air and watching the smoke blow around the broken fan. “Rainbow Dash may be the coolest pony in Ponyville, but she’s not a doctor,” She picked up her cue and took a shot at the thirteen ball, which managed to move just about every ball on the table, but none of them moved into the pockets. “I did that on purpose,” she said.

Apple Bloom drained a third of her tankard in a single drought. “Sure ya did.”

Sweetie Belle picked up her cue between her teeth, and sunk the one ball before noticing that Apple Bloom was about to finish her third pint. “Apple Bloom, don’t you think you’ve had enough?” Sweetie Belle took up her cue again, and sunk the five ball.

“Oh hush Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom said.  “I know ya wish ya could drink as good as me, but you can’t, you just can’t. And what’s more, yer dumber than dirt, ya ain’t got no bits, and … and y’all sure as hay ain’t never gonna get yer cutie mark.”  At that Sweetie Belle’s cue ball hit the 14 ball which lodged itself into the corner of the pocket without falling in.

“Apple Bloom! You don’t mean that!” Sweetie Belle whimpered.

“Are you calling me a liar?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Wow Apple Bloom that stuff sure does get to you fast.  After all that talk, I didn’t take you for a lightweight,” said Scootaloo.

“Is that a challenge?” Apple Bloom asked. “Let’s see ya’ll do better.”

Scootaloo smiled weakly before draining her own tankard, visibly fighting back her gag reflex. “Good stuff,” She muttered before she took a shot, missing the cue ball altogether.

“Wow that sure was a sorry shot Scootaloo, are ya even drunker than me, or are ya just more uncoordinated than Rainbow Crash?” Apple Bloom deadpanned.

Scootaloo approached Apple Bloom with her cue clenched between her teeth. She glared at the yellow filly dangerously. “You take that back, nopony talks about Dashie like that!”

Apple Bloom shrugged her shoulders. “Whoops, Ah reckon Ah already did.” She hit the cue ball, which glided into the pocket.  “Yee ha! How many points do Ah get?”

Sweetie Belle looked at Apple Bloom dismally. “Apple Bloom, you don’t get any points for sinking the cue ball! You’re not even trying anymore, are you?”

Scootaloo sighed heavily, and repositioned the cue ball next to the corner-hooked fourteen ball. She put too much power into what should have been an easy shot, and the fourteen ball somehow managed to free itself from the corner without falling into the pocket.

Sweetie Belle lightly puffed her cigar before taking her cue and sinking the twelve ball. “All right, just one more and I win!”  She took aim at the four ball and missed.

Scootaloo took her turn next. “I may be down, but I’m not out yet. Watch me turn this game around!”  She took aim at the thirteen ball, which bounced into the side of the table harmlessly before coming to a rest. “Or not…”

Finally, Apple Bloom picked up her cue and took aim at the thirteen ball. The thirteen ball came nowhere near the pocket, but out of pure luck, it managed to knock the fourteen ball into one. “Yeah, we win! And that’s how ya get a billiards cutie mark!” she said.  When she turned to her flank, there was indeed something different, but not at all what she expected.  Her flank was still bare, but her tail had turned gray, with a tuft of black sticking out of the end. “Girls! Girls! What’s goin on? There’s somethin wrong mah tail!”

Without looking, Scootaloo pointed a hoof across the table at Apple Bloom. “Oh settle down Apple Bloom, there’s nothing wrong with your…” Scootaloo stopped when she saw her hoof, noticing that the hair on her leg was falling out, revealing a new grayish coat. “Holy bucking pony pies, what’s happening to us?”

Sweetie Belle reached for her ears, which had suddenly become much longer, and pulled them down to her eyes. “Girls, if this is a joke, stop it! Stop it right now! You’re scaring meEE-AH!” she said, and she covered her muzzle with her hooves upon hearing her own voice.

“We gotta find Ferrymane! Maybe she can help us!” Apple Bloom said as she frantically dashed up the stairs, clumps of her yellow coat floating to the floor. “Girls, the hidden door is closed! Ferrymane, help us!”

“Where is she?” asked Scootaloo.

“Maybe one of those City Council ponies came by for an inspection, and Ferrymane didn’t want the Chamber to be discovered?” Sweetie Belle suggested. “I’m sure she’ll get help for us as soon as... Scootaloo, what’s happening to your wings?”

Scootaloo looked over her shoulder to discover that her wings had vanished, leaving behind only a pile of orange feathers on the brick floor.

“Oh my goodness, what is happening to my horn?” Sweetie Belle asked desperately. She grasped it between her hooves, but she could not stop it from shrinking away into her forehead.

“There’s a mirror in the fillies’ room, let’s go!” cried Apple Bloom.

They rushed into the restroom but were taken aback by what they saw.  When they looked into the mirror, three donkey fillies looked back.

“Oh no, we’ve really gone and done it this time, we’ve all been turned into donkeys!” said Apple Bloom.  “Ah think this whole thing was a trap! We need to get outta here!

“But how?” Scootaloo asked. “I don’t think Ferrymane planned on just letting us go but I don’t understand any of this, what would she want with a bunch of donkeys anyway?”

Apple Bloom gasped.  “Maybe she’s going to eat us!”

“Ponies don’t eat donkeys, Apple Bloom.” said Sweetie Belle.

“How do you know?” asked Apple Bloom.  “The gelatin in marshmallows has to come from somewhere, I reckon she’s going to come back down here any minute now, and drag us to the knacker by our tails .”

Sweetie Belle facehoofed.  “Apple Bloom, marshmallows haven’t been made with gelatin since Krastos was banished to the moon 187 years ago!”

“What are you, an encyclopedia?” asked a visibly agitated Scootaloo.

“I’m writing a book report on A History of Marshmallows, remember?  When I asked Rarity for a suggestion she was strangely insistent, said it might clear up a few misconceptions on the matter.”

Apple Bloom let out an exasperated scream. “Sweetie Belle, this is no time for us to be talking about our homework! How are we going to get out of here?”

“Well, I might have heard something by one of the cigar shelves back in the chamber.  I thought it was just you at the time, but maybe we could look behind that?”

“That works for me!” said Scootaloo.

The Crusaders returned to the Chamber of Indulgence, and worked together to push aside the shelf where Sweetie Belle had found the cigars.  Sure enough, there was a door behind it.

“I wonder what this leads to?” Scootaloo mused.

“It’s probably a passage to Ferrymane’s secret knacker where she’ll render our body parts into everyday groceries!” said Apple Bloom.

“Maybe, but there’s only one way to find out, and I don’t see any other way out of here,” said Scootaloo.  “Now are you coming with me or not?”

Sweetie Belle wordlessly followed Scootaloo into the tunnel, leaving Apple Bloom alone in the Chamber.

“Ah just knew Ah should have gone with Twist to Diamond Tiara’s cute-ceañera, Ah could have had a socializin cutie mark bah now! But now Ah’m here and that crazy mare is going to turn mah body fat into hoof soap!” Apple Bloom muttered to herself as she followed them.

At the end of the tunnel, the Cutie Mark Crusaders found a crudely constructed dock suspended over a brick sewer tunnel, with a box of personal flotation devices at the end.

“Ah don’t see a boat here; do ya think they were plannin to pick us up here later? asked Apple Bloom.

“I don’t know, but I’m not waiting around to find out.” said Scootaloo, “Let’s swim out!  These tunnels have got to lead to the canals eventually.”

“Wait, I think we might be violating a few swimming safety rules.” said Sweetie Belle.

“What? Which ones?” asked Scootaloo.

“Well, I think we can restrict ourselves from horse playing on the dock and diving, we’re using the buddy system, and it’s a sewer, so it doesn’t matter whether or not we shower before entering.  But the rules also say not to go to the bathroom in the pool, and I’m thinking that the whole town has gone in this one!  Also, we don’t have any adult supervision and we’re intoxicated.”

“Adult supervision? Are you out of you out of your mind Sweetie Belle?  The only adult supervisors we’re going to find around here want to turn us into glue!” Apple Bloom protested.

“Apple Bloom is right, Sweetie Belle.” said Scootaloo.  “I don’t like the idea of swimming through this stuff either, after what we drank and all, but I figure that if we use the life vests, it will make up for that.  We’re all mako level swimmers at summer camp, and we haven’t been required to use them since we were guppy level swimmers.”

“Hey Scootaloo!” Apple Bloom said as she put on her life vest. “Remember how last summer you always had so much trouble finding a pegasus life vest?  Now that we’re donkeys you won’t have to find one that fits around your wings!”

Scootaloo gave Apple Bloom a dark look before pushing her over the side of the dock.

“Scootaloo, I said no horse play!” exclaimed Sweetie Belle. “Are you okay down their Apple Bloom.”

“Eww, some of it got in mah mouth!” whimpered Apple Bloom.

“Well, it sounds like it’s safe.” said Scootaloo “Let’s go!” Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle both leaped into the sludge below.

“It’s been a while since we’ve all gone swimming together, why did we stop?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Because the last time we went swimming we almost got eaten by a giant squid.” said Scootaloo.

“Oh, that’s right.”

*** *** ***

After about fifteen minutes the Cutie Mark Crusaders found themselves at Ponyville’s sewage treatment plant, which thankfully had intakes far too small to suck in a donkey filly.  They found a maintenance walkway, used it to circumvent the plant, and then floated down the canal until they got close to the Carousel Boutique.  By this time, all of the sewage and loose fur had been washed from their coats, but they were wet, cold, and pathetic looking nonetheless.  They pulled themselves out of the canal, and entered the boutique, where they found Rarity and Applejack in the kitchen speaking over lunch.

“Yes, I know. It was an atrocity!” Rarity said to Applejack, “Then I said… good heavens, what are these donkeys doing in my house?”

Applejack rubbed her forehead.  “Wait a minute Rarity, Ah thought your Pampered Pony Chef party was at Diamond Mint’s house. When did y’all get back to…”

“No, I mean right now,” Rarity said, pointing a hoof over Applejack’s shoulder. “Look behind you.”

Applejack turned around and saw three teary eyed donkey fillies staring up at her. “Pardon, Ah didn’t notice ya’ll there. Howdy,” She said, tipping her hat with a sheepish grin.

“Rarity, Applejack, you have to help us, we’ve been turned into donkeys!” said a green eyed donkey.

“Whoa whoa whoa, hold on a pony pickin minute. Whadda y’all mean by ‘turned into’?” Applejack asked with a touch of apprehension.

“It’s us,” said the purple eyed donkey, “The Cutie Mark Crusaders!”

Rarity scoffed.  “I beg your pardon, but I think I remember the Cutie Mark Crusaders being ponies.  Unless you have anything else to say, be gone you urchins!”

“Rarity is right,” Applejack added.  “Ah don’t mean to be rude, but that is a little hard to believe.  It’s gonna to take a whole lot more convincin than that if ya want us to believe that this is more than just a big fib.  Maybe y’all ought to explain yourselves.”

“Applejack, do ya remember the time me and mah friends burned down that hoity toity neighborhood they were building by Whitetail Wood? Ya said that you’d be fit to be tahd if Ah ever got mahself into that much trouble again.  Granny Smith said she’d hang me bah mah ears.  Well ya can hang me bah mah ears if ya want to, but Ah’m in a heap of trouble now and Ah sure could use yer help,” said the amber eyed donkey.

Rarity gasped as she turned to the green eyed donkey filly. “Sweetie Belle, is that really you?”

Sweetie Belle rushed over to Rarity and hugged her. “Oh Rarity, I’m so happy to see you, I thought I was going to get turned into a can of glue before I ever saw you again.”

Applejack sighed. “Apple Bloom, Ah thought Ah told you not to go telling your friends those silly conspiracy theories you heard from Granny Smith.  But we can talk about that later, what happened to you?”

“Ah’m sorry, AJ!” cried Apple Bloom, “We went to this saloon called The Chamber of Indulgence, and we smoked cigars, drank beer, played pool, and we all ended up turned into donkeys!”

“You played what?” Rarity shrieked.

“Apple Bloom! Y’all were playin pool now?  Ah’m mighty disappointed in you; Ah thought that Granny Smith raised ya better than that,” said Applejack

“But we didn’t think it was such a big deal, we just wanted to get our cutie marks!” said Sweetie Belle.

“And just why would you want your special talent to be something so unconscionable?” Rarity cried. “If you got a billiards cutie mark I would die! Simply die!”

At that, Scootaloo spoke up. “Yeah, we know, what we did was wrong. Look, are you going to help us or not?”

“Well, there is nothing we can do for you, but maybe Twilight can. I’d talk to her if I were you,” said Rarity.

So the Cutie Mark Crusaders left the Carousel Boutique, and headed toward the library. As they passed through the Mane Plaza, they saw Wilyfellow and Churlity being arrested by ponies in blue armor with bat wings.

“Hey look!” said Sweetie Belle, “Those ponies are arresting Wilyfellow and Churlity! Maybe they can help us!”

“Yeah, and tell them that we played pool?” asked Scootaloo. “Come on Sweetie Belle, we’re already in enough trouble, let’s just go to Twilight like we planned.”

So than the Cutie Mark Crusaders continued walking until they reached the library. Twilight Sparkle was in the middle of writing an essay on slime molds native to the Everfree Forest when she heard a knock at her door. “I’m coming” she called. She was surprised to find three donkey fillies staring up at her.

“Oh, hello girls, are you lost?” Twilight asked.

“Twilight, it’s us! You gotta help us, we’ve been turned into donkeys!”  Scootaloo cried.

“Wait a minute, what do you mean ‘turned into’? And why are you acting like you know…” Twilight’s heart sank as she recognized Scootaloo’s voice.  “Oh my goodness, come in girls! I’ll have Spike make tea for you. Tell me what happened!”

Apple Bloom looked up at Twilight in despair for a moment, as Spike dashed into the kitchen, and shouted, “It’s awful Twahlaht!  Just awful! We didn’t wanna go to school because all them other ponies would just laugh at us!  It was so bad that Scootaloo started havin a conniption at the thought of goin back! Then these strange ponies with a fox and a cat for cutie marks told us that we’d get our marks if we skipped school and came to their saloon and then one of them trahd to hit Sweetie Belle over the head with a wooden mallet but the other one stopped him and we thought that was pretty weird but we still wanted our marks so we went anyways and when we got there we smoked cigars and drank beer and played pool but then we all turned into donkeys and Ah still don’t have mah cutie mark!”

“Wait a minute, you played what?” Twilight asked in horror.

“Hey that’s the same thing Rarity asked!” said Sweetie Belle.

“Pool.” Scootaloo clarified.

Twilight’s face fell.  “Oh no, this is bad! I thought that somepony had just cast a spell on you to make you look like donkeys, or maybe you had stepped into some poison joke, but this is much worse.  I didn’t think you girls had it in you to do something bad enough to get yourselves turned into donkeys!”

“But Ah don’t understand Twahlaht, what’s the difference?” Apple Bloom asked.

“It means I can’t turn you back!” said Twilight.

“What?” screamed the Crusaders.

Twilight buried her face in her hooves. “Just have a seat, girls, I’ll explain everything.”

Twilight led the Crusaders to her living room, and they all sat down on Twilight’s couch. Twilight sat in the armchair across the room from them.  Spike brought the Crusaders their tea as Twilight began her lecture.

“Long ago, pony society had become so corrupt and sinful that it was on the brink of collapse, but then something changed.  Some of the worst ponies began to transform into twisted sub-pony creatures. When a pony commits a sin so grievous that their soul cannot bear to stay with them, it flees to pony hell in order to escape from the body. Then, the pony’s body transforms to reflect their twisted spirit, and that is how a donkey is born. Four hundred and forty-seven years ago, Princess Celestia decreed that all of the donkeys must be rounded up to work in salt mines for the rest of their lives, in order to prevent them from spreading subversive thoughts that might change even more ponies into donkeys. I am afraid that is where you must go as well.”

“So donkeys are just the empty husks left behind by ponies who have been abandoned by their own souls?” asked Sweetie Belle, “I thought they were an entirely different species.”

“I’m afraid not.” Twilight replied.

“But Ah don’t wanna to live in a salt mahn!” Apple Bloom protested.

“I’m sorry girls, but it’s the law, given to us by the ruler of all of Equestria, the pony who holds our fates in her hooves. I wish I could turn you back, but your souls are already in pony hell, and there is no way I can bring them back,” Twilight said somberly.

“Hey, this might not be so bad,” Sweetie Belle said, “We’ve never looked for our special talents in a salt mine before.”

“Yeah, maybe we’ll get our cutie marks down there!” Scootaloo said.

“All right, this might not be such a sorry thang after all!” said Apple Bloom.

“Cutie Mark Crusader Salt Miners! Yay!”

“Um, actually, you probably won’t,” said Twilight.  “You see, without souls, your bodies cannot properly channel the magical energies necessary for your cutie marks to manifest themselves. Even if you do figure out your special talents,  I’m afraid you’ll never get your cutie marks now.”

“What?”

Twilight looked at the Crusaders sympathetically. “Sorry girls, but it looks like you got eliminated before you could sink the game ball.”

The End

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