Whinnyapolis. We had gone through Hell and back to get to this place, and I'd even lost my best friend and crush, but finally we had reached the light at the end of the tunnel... assuming we weren't abducted by aliens at the last second.

No sooner had I finished that thought than a giant flying disk emerged through the clouds and bathed us in the green light of a tractor beam.

Nah, just kidding. Could you imagine?

Whinnyapolis was a decent sized settlement which took its name from a much larger pre-war city that had covered this area before a balefire bomb blew a chunk of it off the map. However, not unlike Baltimare, the unbombed portion managed to thrive after getting a bit of TLC.

Near the main entrance, we saw a group of three colts on skateboards. When he saw them, Chess turned to the rest of us and said "It's been a little while since I was here. I'm going to go and ask them for directions." As he trotted up to the boys, he asked "Excuse me, do any of you know where the Dolewich Building is?"

One of the colts, the only unicorn, had been drinking a bottle of Sunrise Sarsaparilla at the time, and as soon as he heard the name he accidentally did a spit take (What a waste...) Another colt, the youngest, turned on the spot and skated off.

"The Dolewi-" the third, eldest colt began before stopping as if he had just caught himself in the middle of saying a bad word. "You mean that building with the fucking cultists?" No self censorship there though. The colt looked us over and said, "You guys don't look like the type to wanna join those weirdoes. What do ya want with 'em?"

"We're making a delivery to them, that's all." Chess gestured to the cart.

The skater grunted in annoyance. "Just go counterclockwise around the outside of town until you see it, and trust me, you'll know it when you see it. And don't even think about bringing any of that Discord shit through town, unless you wanna get your asses kicked out by an angry mob."

"I'll keep that in mind," Chess said, nodding before turning and going the way the colt instructed, the rest of us in tow.

Once the skaters were out of earshot, I asked Chess, "Was the town as anti-Discord the first time you were here?"

"They certainly didn't think much of the cultists the last time, but if that boy hadn't told us, I wouldn't have thought anypony would be hostile. He could be exaggerating, but just to be on the safe side, let's stay out until we get this delivery done."

"With all the crap we went through t' get here, Ah'm gonna be glad once it's all over and done with," Calamity said, flying up to us.

"Yes, it has been pretty harrowing, hasn't it?" said Chess.

"Is it always this bad? I mean, do ponies usually die?" I asked.

"If that was the case, I'd choose a safer line of work," Chess said, cracking a small smile. "What we went through in the tunnels and especially in Baltimare were the kinds of things I've only really heard about. To experience them one after the other like that, it almost makes me wonder if Chisel was right about the statue being jinxed. At any rate, I doubt I'll ever see anything like that happen again, definitely not as bad as it was. However, since you mention it, I have something to ask the two of you." He stopped and turned around so he could look us in the faces. "After seeing the two of you back there, changing the course of whole battles and surviving where others tragically died, there is no doubt that you ponies have something exceptional about you. That is why I want to invite you both to join the Checkmate Company as permanent employees. I guarantee that the vast majority of your jobs will not be even half as dangerous as what happened in Baltimare, and you will be well paid. In fact, I want you traveling with me, like Bishop and Knight do. I consider you that valuable."

I had to think about that. I knew that Chess had mentioned permanent employment when he was recruiting on the radio, but honestly I hadn't given any thought at all to whether I would accept it if he offered; my mind was too occupied with other things, such as avoiding torturous death. But other than the dangers we'd come across, the job had mostly involved a lot of walking, which was easy enough work, although a tad boring. Besides, that boredom was easily countered by the new people I'd meet and places I'd see. Still, despite Chess' insistence that the job was safe, I knew that Canis was far from the last Raider I'd ever meet if I stayed out here, and I knew better than to get a swelled head over my supposedly exceptional skills.

"I'll get back to you on that," I said.

"Me too," said Calamity.

"Alright then," replied Chess understandingly.

Our conversation fell into a lull after that. I took the opportunity to listen to the radio a bit. At first I was gonna just go to DJ Pon3, like usual, but then I remembered another name: DJ Fizzypop. I wondered for a moment where I'd heard that name, then remembered that DJ Pon3 had mentioned her a few nights ago. It was a hazy memory, but I think he said something about her not being too bad.

I shrugged. I was an adventurous guy, and even the Legion's music grew on me when I overlooked who was playing it, so I decided I'd give Fizzypop one more chance. When I turned my radio to 94.4, I was greeted with the last couple notes of a song, followed by an excited, fillyish voice.

"Oh boy, oh boy! My first real news broadcast since the spritebots went out! I wonder if DJ Pon3 is listening? I hope he is! Oops, the mike's on... Um... Hello, Wasteland! This is DJ Fizzypop with some breaking news! Now I'm sure you've all heard about the Legion invasion of the town of Baltimare, which has been severely restricting trade across the north and south for over a week. I mean, how could you have not heard about it? DJ Pon3 was all over it!"

Immediately I removed my earbuds from the PipBuck and called the others to come listen.

"Well, I am happy to say that the invasion has finally ended. The Legion and their cronies, the Black Scorpions, have been thoroughly purged from the area after they picked a fight with the wrong group of travelers. Details are rather sketchy, but apparently the group was able to somehow rally the oppressed ponies of Baltimare and stage a rebellion. Two key players that I definitely have to mention are the pair of caravan guards who, for the sake of protecting them from Legion retaliation, I will refer to from here on out as the Blue Guy and the Green Chick. Somehow, the duo went toe-to-toe with Canis Atrox, a high ranking Legionnaire and kingpin of the Legion's operations in Baltimare.

"The town is currently undergoing reconstruction, including a major alteration of their economy. If you've wanted to cross their borders but were unable due to lack of funds, don't worry, because word is that they are removing the toll road and focusing more on trade. So Blue Guy, Green Chick, and all the good ponies of Baltimare and the travelers that saved them, my hat goes off to you! ... Or it would if I wore a hat. So I'll drink to you instead!" The next sound on the radio was the telltale sound of somepony chugging soda, then belching loudly. "Wow! That was a loud one! 'Scuse me. And some dang good soda, too... Yeah..." She drank some more, lost in its flavor like I so often found myself. "Good stuff... Anyway, that's it for the news, now here's a new track of my own design, a remixed medley of some of your favorite Sapphire Shores and Sweetie Belle songs! Let's hear it!"

Wow... Even so soon after losing Stellar, I had to admit that something about her appreciation for soda and nonchalance about the inevitable belching it caused was pretty freaking hot... Uh, I mean... Hooray! I got mentioned on the radio!

Meanwhile, Knight seemed to be having similar sentiments,"Fuck yeah! I got mentioned on the radio!" she said, pumping a forehoof in the air.

"You're just lucky they didn't hear about any of your flip-flopping 'I'll-side-with-the-winner' crap," Chess said, bonking her. "But regardless, when it gets out that it was us this is gonna be so good for publicity!" Chess said, excitedly pressing his hooves to his face like this /)^3^(\. "Now I'm really hoping you stay with us, Click!" I'd never seen him so giddy.

"Like I said, I'll think about it, but hearing that is something to take into consideration," I said, plugging my earbuds back in. Great, now if I join Chess, I could probably push for a higher pay, but I'd probably be used as a mascot.

However, my companions' reactions aside, I began to wonder: had Lightbringer found out yet? Sure, it hadn't been that long, but DJ Fizzypop already knew somehow too. I decided to tune into Legion Radio, tuning my volume down a bit. I knew the Legion liked loud music, and I didn't want anypony to overhear and make me have to explain why I was listening to the 'evil' station.

I caught this one in the middle of a song, but I was willing to wait. Admittedly, I just really love that guitar, even if I have no idea how anypony would play it with hooves. Maybe they were all griffons? Anyway, the song died down soon enough, giving way to the sound of my two least favorite ponies in the world.

"Howdy-do, Wasteland!" said Trepan. "It's time for our super special raider news segment, courtesy of the best pony in the world, Lightbringer!" She then did her best imitation of a roaring, cheering crowd... which was rather pathetic when it was just her.

Lightbringer spoke up quickly, her tone of voice betraying a slight embarrassment at her co-host's pathetic sound effects. "Yeah yeah, shut up, we all know they love me. Anyway, the first bit of raider news I have for you listeners is a brand new innovation in trap setting. You know the exploding stroller trick? Well, Indigo of the Hangdog gang found a way to make it even better! It's a little high maintenance, but the payoff is just so- Hey! I'm in the middle of a- wait, WHAT?" I heard somepony whispering, probably into Lightbringer's ear. "Wha- What do you mean he's dead!? What the FUCK! I swear, if you're joking I will peel your face off in front of your mother!"

A new voice spoke up, a hardened but scared sounding stallion, "Please, this is only what I heard! Some of the other guys were dancing to Fizzypop's music, and she did a story about it!"

"You... just get out. NOW! Damn it, now I'm pissed... Apparently, some blue and green jackasses just waltzed into Baltimare and killed Canis Atrox. Seriously, what. The. Fuck! I thought you were tough, Canis! I thought you were better than this! I hope you're the laughing stock of Hell right now! Shit, there are no words for this. I... That's it, I'm done... If anypony out there sees a couple of blue and green caravan guards around there, kill 'em. Trepan, put the music back on, we'll do the story later. Fuck, I- I gotta go flay someone..."

I grinned stupidly and chuckled. That made my day right there. I didn't even care that she had basically just put out a hit on me, I'd just made Lightbringer herself ragequit her own show. Plus, the song Trepan put on afterward had some admittedly awesome guitar in it. Is it weird that the ponies who indirectly murdered my crush were turning out to be my favorite DJs? Oh... I just made myself sad... Still, I couldn't help but think Stellar would agree that if I ever got the chance to kill Lightbringer, her own tunes would make an ironically good soundtrack for it. Maybe I could compile it on a disk just for the occasion and call it "Music to Avenge By."

After a couple songs, we finally found the Dolewich Building. The skater colt had been right when he said we'd know it when we saw it, and for more reasons than just the fact that it had the word "Dolewich" in huge letters along the top. Out in front was a pen with three brahmin in it, all dressed in soccer uniforms. The third floor had all of its windows replaced with a mixture of boat portholes and stained glass pictures of sandwiches, while the second floor had either transparent or somehow nonexistent walls, allowing me to see into every room, including a bathroom where somepony was taking a shower while fully dressed in soldier fatigues and an astronaut helmet. On the side of the building was a full set of kitchen furniture and appliances that had been somehow attached to the wall sideways, including a refrigerator whose door was hanging open directly above a pile of old rotting food on the ground. For some reason, I noticed that the derp-eyed pony and ellipsis icon was perpetually on while I had the building in my sight. There were countless other oddities adorning the building, but the most significant one at the moment was the door on the top floor. As we approached, the door opened up just a crack, enough for a ghoul mare standing behind it to peek out at us. When she laid eyes on our cart holding the statue, she immediately threw the door open, grinning with unbridled happiness, and ran out to greet us...

Of course, as I said, this door was on the top floor, so she just wound up plummeting into the ground, landing on her neck with a sickening crack, her head at an unsurvivable angle.

"Oh crap! What did she do that for?" I shouted, instinctively running to her even knowing that she must have died instantly. However, right as I reached her body, the corpse began to glow pink and started to stand up.

She got to her hooves, her neck still kinked ninety degrees to the right, then sat down on her haunches and grabbed her dislocated head. She felt around the injury a bit, then with one quick jerk and a loud, meaty pop, her head was back to its original position. She looked right at me, still wearing that grin that she got when she first saw us. Her eyes were slightly offset and really weird looking, with very small, pupil-less purple irises that seemed to have a swirl pattern in them. Her face was just as disfigured as any other ghoul's, but one thing that immediately stood out to me was the yellow propeller hat that looked like it was fused to her head.

"Oh..." I said when it hit me, "You're a Canterlot Ghoul. I'm sorry, you're the first one I've ever seen, so I always assumed they were just a myth."

"Yeah, I no stay dead easy, and fall means get to ground faster. My name Screwball! You here for give statue, right?" she asked.

"That's right. I-" before I could say anything else, the mare leapt into the air shouting with joy.

"Yay! I get Cult Leader Crawling Chaos now! He get you lot of money and we get statue for worship Discord!" The propeller on her head then started to spin, actually lifting her off the ground. She flew to the door (the one on the ground floor this time), and tried to open it, but found it to be locked. She then casually punched through a window, flew through it, unlocked the door, broke back out through another window, and then finally opened the door and walked in... Right before punching out one more window for good measure.

A few moments later, the ghoul emerged again, this time with five other cultists following behind. One of them was riding inside a little red wagon, moving it with his own deep red magic. He was an ancient, shriveled looking thing that had a grey head with a black mane, and his body was brown and abnormally long, with a hairless, oversized tail that almost looked scaly. He had an off centered and misshapen unicorn horn, but also a second warped, hornlike growth to the side of it. Now I know what you're thinking, but no, it wasn't actually Discord; He was much too small and otherwise deformed to be the real Draconequus. It seemed more like he was an unfortunate pony who had grown up too close to a balefire crater and wound up coincidentally looking a lot like Discord. However, I couldn't help but think that it was a fitting disfigurement: after all, his cutie mark looked just like the guy.

"So, you have arrived," the pony in the wagon said with a twisted smile. His voice was raspy, as if he was incredibly sick. "I am Crawling Chaos, Co-Founder and High Priest of the Cult of Discord. I am glad to see that you have arrived. Did you encounter much trouble?"

"I'm afraid we did run into some difficulty," said Chess, "We even lost a couple of ponies on the way. However, the statue is intact, and it was made to your exact specifications."

"I am truly sorry for your loss. If only they could see the results of their final mission. We shall remember their sacrifice whenever we see this statue," Crawling Chaos said. His unicorn horn glowed, and the statue's crate levitated off the cart and opened. The statue, one of Discord doing some kind of dance, was then placed gently on the ground, where the ghoul began to excitedly look it over.

"Squee! It perfect!" she said. "It look just like him!"

"Yes, quite. Rocky, LeFlour, Trunip, Lints-A-Lot. Take it inside, and be careful,” Crawling Chaos said, nodding in turn at the remaining four cultists.

"Yes, Master!" the four responded before dutifully taking the statue. Rocky, a very muscle-bound earth pony, took it on his back while the unicorn LeFlour held it in a shield and Lints-A-Lot and Trunip (a unicorn and earth pony, respectively) kept it steady with a pair of ropes. They met some trouble when they realized that the statue was too big to fit through the front doors, but Lints-A-Lot remedied the problem by blasting a huge hole in the wall, seeming to intentionally target a portion with one of the last few intact windows on it. I couldn't understand how this building was still standing. These guys probably damaged it more than the apocalypse did.

"Now..." Crawling Chaos said, magically levitating a briefcase that had been with him in the wagon, "It is time you received your payment. I believe this will cover it." He opened the briefcase revealing what looked to be easily several thousand caps, causing Chess' eyes to do that weird 'turn into caps' thing again, just like in the mole ponies' tunnels. The second it was within his grasp, Chess gleefully closed the briefcase and hugged it to his breast.

"Do his eyes do that all the time?" I asked Bishop.

"Yeah, pretty frequently."

Chess composed himself and looked back to Crawling Chaos. "Well, if our business is concluded, I suppose I should be on my way." Looking back to us, he said "You guys are free to go. I'll be at the town's hotel, Bishop, Knight, try to be there by tonight. Click Click, Calamity, if you want to leave, you can, but again, please think about my offer. Ah, and here's your payment..." He pulled out a pair of bags filled with caps. "That's your payment for this job, plus a little extra for all the nightmares we encountered. Consider it a little taste of what you'll get if you stay with me."

We thanked him and took the caps (Sweet mother of children this was a lot! If nothing else, Chess knows how to be persuasive!) With a wink, Chess trotted off. Knight left too, saying something about finding a bar, leaving only me, Calamity, and Bishop.

"So... now what?" I asked.

Calamity shrugged. "Ah dunno. Just relax Ah guess, blow some of these caps."

"You know, this place is one of the biggest intact areas from before the war. I bet there's plenty of interesting stuff around here," suggested Bishop.

Suddenly, Screwball popped in front of us, grinning wildly. "You guys want see Whinnyapolis? Ooh! Ooh! Start here! Start here! I show you Church of Discord! Explain everything about it!"

If any of us had objections, we didn't get to voice them as her forelegs hugged around us and pushed us toward the church.

Today just fucking sucked. I was low on funds because apparently nopony needed transportation around here, the overpriced coffee I'd just bought tasted like horseapples ("best in the wasteland" my pretty pink plot), it was 'that time of the month,' my bodyguards were threatening to quit if I couldn't pay them soon, and to top it all off, I think I stepped in gum.

But of course, there is never a situation so bad that it can't get worse, as a certain drunk jerkass was about to prove to me. He was staggering out of a nearby bar, barely able to stay on his hooves, when he saw me. Before he even took his first step in my direction, I knew what was going to happen.

"Hey, Melody, that guy looks like trouble. You want me to take care of him?" my bodyguards both said in unison. Their names were Frieren and Brennen, a pair of young twin griffons, or at least they were as close to twins as egg-born creatures could get. If it weren't for the fact that Frieren dyed his feather tips blue and Brennen dyed his red, I would never be able to tell them apart, even after six months of working with them. Even weirder was that they had this really freaky-ass way of moving like mirror images of each other and speaking at the same time. The only thing stopping them from being completely interchangeable was Brennan's affinity for fire, like his flamethrower, in contrast to Frieren always using that weird freeze gun he made, the 'Cryolator.'

I waved the twins off. "Don't worry guys, he doesn't look too tough, and I really need an ass to kick right now."

"Suit yourself," they said, and proceeded to sit back and watch.

"Hey, what the fuck are you doin' down here, Feathers?" the drunk said to me once he got close. By 'close,' I of course mean directly in my face. His breath smelled worse than my coffee tasted.

"Well, I was drinking some piss-poor coffee, but currently I'm in the middle of being harassed by a drunken shithead," I deadpanned. I heard the twins giggle in stereo behind me.

"Oh, ya think you're funny, do ya? Well, maybe you should go up and tell the other pegasususes your joke, Flygirl, we don't take kindly to your kind around here!" he spat, jabbing me in the chest.

I rolled my eyes. Yes, I was a pegasus, and yes, I had been the victim of a lot of undeserved racism from people who didn't understand the reasons behind what the Enclave does or doesn't do. However, this dicklicker was the first one in Whinnyapolis to say anything to me. As was usual, and forgivable, most ponies just stared at my wings for a second or two, then went about their business. Unfortunately, some were more racist than curious, forcing me to have to knock heads.

I clenched my teeth... There was no need to make a scene... Casually brushing a lock of my navy blue mane out of my eyes, I stared him down and said "Look, I don't wanna start a fight, but if you say one more word other than 'goodbye,' I will rip your fucking legs off and shove them into your nostrils. Now please leave me alone."

"Yeah, big talk lady. You come down here with yer wings, and yer basic education, and yer being better than us, and you think that makes you better than us! Well, Little Miss Dashite, I-"

That tore it. I grabbed him by the ear and slammed his skull on the concrete ground before giving him a good look at my cutie mark. "I am not a fucking Dashite you craptart! Do you see a mother fucking brand there? No, you don't! And if you ever call me a Dashite again I'll sew your lips to a radhog's anus, ya got that!?" I was very proud of my cutie mark: four linked eighth notes symbolizing my love of singing and music. But of course now this asswipe was making me strain my voice chewing him out. Did he want me to get laryngitis?

He woozily staggered back to his feet. "You wouldn't have been able to get me like that if I hadn't been fall-down drunk, ya feather fuckin' bird bitch... Speaking of falling down..." He collapsed, his inebriation and head injury too much for him when combined.

After that outburst, I was getting a whole lot of stares from the crowds, and this time not just because of my wings. Embarrassed, I flew up a few feet before turning to my companions "Frieren, Brennen, come on, let's go somewhere that's further from a bar."

As they followed me out of the area, I tried to settle my thoughts a bit, but the drunk's mention of Dashites opened up an old wound. I hated Dashites. They were nothing but a bunch of traitors and murderers. If I ever got my hooves on one, especially that bastard Deadshot Calamity... Well, let's just say the drunk got off a lot easier than they would.

Too bad there's virtually no chance of me coming across one, right?

As it turned out, Screwball's forced tour of the church was pretty interesting. One of the first things she mentioned was the little known fact that Discord had apparently been redeemed, received amnesty for his past crimes, and was a major player in the war effort under the Ministry of Awesome, with a little bit of work in the Ministry of Arcane Science as well. However, most ponies couldn't ignore his past (right to the end he was still a notorious troublemaker) and most of what he did was out of the public eye. He was in Canterlot when the bombs hit, and Screwball herself had apparently gone into Canterlot to look for him, which explained her condition. The cult still believed Discord to be alive in some form, like the Princesses, and that one day his power would be restored and he would use it to end hunger in the wasteland by supersizing all the fruit on the trees and making it rain chocolate milk, ushering in an era of peace, prosperity, and complete and utter anarchy.

Like most buildings wasteland buildings, the Dolewich Building was repurposed from an older structure, in this case, an office building. However, the Cultists had done an amazing job redecorating it to suit their bizarre religion. The ground floor appeared to be the main "church" area, with numerous statues and paintings of Discord around the walls, including the one we just added to their collection. Chairs, rather than pews, were arranged in a circle around a makeshift stage where Crawling Chaos would give his sermons, as Screwball explained. The second floor, the invisible one, had the only functional shower, although since the walls were invisible, they had to shower fully clothed (I didn't exactly understand why that was, but it gave me the strangest urge to put on some pants.) The third floor contained a sort of mess hall, where all the tables and chairs were affixed firmly to the ceiling. One cultist with a gravy boat as a cutie mark was currently eating, both her and her food somehow defying gravity, unlike the kitchen setup outside. I suppose the last thing I should expect from the followers of Discord was consistency.

The fourth floor held the cultist's sleeping quarters... and that's when the trouble started.

"I need scissors! Sixty-one!"

A soda bottle zipped right past my head and shattered against a wall and a brown stallion in some kind of grey jumpsuit ran out of a nearby room screaming and throwing things as a pink unicorn mare with a pink cloud cutie mark tried to hold him back.

"Nurse, I spy gypsies, run! Watch out for that tree! Sapphire bullets of pure love!" he screamed frantically, as if he was trying to warn us about something, even though the sapphire bullets were the only thing that sounded remotely scary.

"I'm so sorry!" the pink mare said. "He hasn't had his medicine today." She wrapped him in telekinesis and tried to pull him back into the room. He seemed to accept it at first, but when he saw me, his vigor restored more than ever, and he broke out and tackled me.

"Don't you see? The lemonade has too much sugar! Shaven chinchillas falling from the sky! I'm not wearing underpants! The little critters of nature, they don't know that they're ugly! You shall regrow but the undead will tear you in half! The troll loves sparkling eggplants! Clean all the things! Some stay dry while others feel the pain! You knew this would happen you knew!"

I shoved him off of me, and the pink mare managed to get him under control again, forcing him back into his room.

Screwball was quick to help me to my hooves again. "I sorry. That Chocolate Rain. He a psyker, sees future. Sadly, he also crazy, says weird things. We not know which thing he say is real prediction and which is just silly crazy talk. This time I hope he right about lemonade."

"Well, I'm OK with anything happening except for being torn in half."

"Torn! Torn like a fanbase after any given development!" Chocolate Rain reiterated. "The mouthless gluttons, they watch you warp the world! They watch as you give them the... I..." he looked again at me, and a look almost like hope crossed his face. "I SEE THE CURE! Please! The slaughtering healer's tower! You need to! Please give me peace!" He broke away from the mare's grip and threw himself at my hooves, crying.

I didn't quite know to respond. I didn't get what he was saying , but... it all seemed to be directed at me.

Screwball immediately went to his side and looked at him more closely, then at me, her rotten face grinning wider than usual. "Oh my gosh! He say you can cure him! Finally we go a night without him yell about zombie water coolers!"

I looked back at them, still baffled. "But, what if that's just more crazy talk? I don't know how to cure him."

Chocolate Rain looked me in the eyes, his face wincing with focus as he said the first seemingly lucid thing I'd heard from him. "The MoP tower. It has something on its top floor. Please, I live every day without even knowing if my thoughts are my own, and for once my power is helping me. The prediction said you'll be safe... please... AH!" He rolled over and clutched his head, gasping something about frogs.

Something about their situation stirred my heart. Whether it's helping to fight off raiders or just tossing a few caps to a beggar, I try to leave things better than how I found them. Stellar had said that. I suppose if I was gonna make the wasteland a better place on her behalf, now was as good an opportunity as any.

I looked to Screwball "Y'know, if he says I can do it, maybe I have a shot at getting... whatever it is he needs. Do you have any idea what he was talking about?" I asked, knowing I was probably gonna regret this.

"You really do that for us?" Screwball said, her smile more massive than ever. I think I actually saw it tearing her cheeks just a little bit. "Hooray! You is best pony!" She dragged me over to a nearby window and pointed to a building in the center of town. "Chocolate Rain talk about big MoP research place. Ponies loot already, but never get to top floors because of big scary something up there. It very dangerous usually, but Chocolate Rain predict you make it, so you safe... probably."

"Probably... wonderful," I said with an eyeroll as I reminded myself that I could back out at any time. But of course I'm not gonna do that because I'm the good guy. Yay heroics...

"You know, you guys didn't have to come with me," I reminded Calamity and Bishop as we began our trek toward the tower, not that I was complaining for their help.

"Are you kidding?" Bishop said excitedly, "And miss the chance to snoop around an untouched Ministry building? When you've apparently got a free 'get out of death' card from destiny itself? I'd be stupid not to!"

Calamity nodded in agreement. "Plus we can't just leave Chocolate Rain hangin'. Besides..." He took to the air. "Ah was actually plannin' on just flying straight to the top floor and breaking a window. As long as they don't have none o' that bulletproof glass, Ah'll be in and out in a minute. Otherwise, Ah'll wait for ya out front."

Oh... Lucky fliers... "Alright. You better go ahead then," I said.

He nodded and flew off.

Screwball came with Bishop and I too, as our guide. She knew her way around Whinnyapolis best, but was visibly nervous about the ponies in town, who kept giving her anxious or sometimes angry looks. While she had tried to disguise herself from them in a black cloak, I can't help but think that maybe her disguise would have worked better if it didn't have "NOT A CULTIST" painted on it in bright neon yellow, not to mention the fact that she insisted on traveling with her propeller hat instead of walking because it was, in her words "more fun." Bishop had offered her the invisibility cloak he'd gotten from Carrion, but she refused on the grounds that she thought it'd be slutty to wear see-thru clothing in public.

We got to the tower about ten minutes later. Calamity saw us coming and approached, apparently unsuccessful.

"No good?" I asked.

"No good," he said with a shrug.

Just in front of the tower, we noticed our old skater friends from before doing tricks on an old dried up fountain. As soon as the little one saw us, he started to dart off again screaming "Discord!" but this time the unicorn caught him by the tail and stopped him.

"You guys again? And you actually brought one of them with you this time? I'm telling you for your own good, there are ponies here who will attack you!"

"She isn't going to hurt anypony, I promise. We only want to get something from the top of the tower," I told him sternly.

The poor unicorn colt had apparently gotten a new soda since earlier, and had picked this particular point in time to take a sip of it, causing it to spray out of his nose (Not a fun thing, take it from me.)

"You're trying to go there? Do you guys want to die? Nopony's ever gone up there!" the oldest colt said.

"I heard there was a monster up there who eats ponies’ souls..." the little one said.

"I heard the ghosts of the Ministry scientists still walk around up there, operating the machinery and experimenting on anypony who comes up," said the unicorn.

The eldest rolled his eyes and glared at the other two. "Seriously? It's just the security system. They were working on something big up there before the world ended, so they got laser turrets and security robots on the top four floors." He turned back to the rest of us. "But either way, the rest of the tower has been converted into a bazaar on the lowest floors, and a common house on the middle floors. The merchants probably won't mind you guys, since they care more about caps, but above them, you'll be dragging that... that jinx witch right past ponies' homes. Even if she's harmless like you say, you're going to start a fucking riot, and anything that happens to you or anypony else is your fault!""

"I no witch!" Screwball countered. "LeFlour is witch! She one with magic! Personally, I think I closer to zombie. Ooh! Or wraith, when I wear this cloak."

Bishop held her back a bit before she got further off topic. "We know what we're doing. We just want whatever's in that building."

The skater rolled his eyes. "Your funeral. Come on, guys." He rolled off, his friends at his heels.

"Damn, what I wouldn't give to shut them up," muttered Calamity.

"I know," said Screwball. "Only thing worse than their attitudes is if they right. Ponies here no like me, if I go in, it make trouble..."

"No way they're right," Calamity insisted. "Look, Ah've seen the ponies around here lookin' at you funny, but if they're smart, they won't lay a hoof on you, not while we're here." He laid a hoof on her back, and Bishop and I nodded in agreement.

"What do they have against you anyway?" I asked.

She seemed to blush a little. "Well, Dolewich building is weird, you see that, right?" she said. "That all because of Discord's blessing. It make things chaotic, magical. But some ponies no like that because they afraid of it, so they stay away from us. Even worse, some magic sort of leak out, make weird things happen to town. Town ponies get mad, and Discord ponies get blamed. Sometimes they get really angry, last month all bakery food in town turn pink with blue polka dots. I go in town to get some because they looked fun, but other ponies not like them because they weird. They blame cultists and throw rocks at me. I get better, but it hurt..." Her hat stopped spinning and she plopped on the ground, downcast. "It not cultists' fault. It just happen."

Calamity spoke up. "I know what it's like feelin' unwelcome, ya know. First it was up in the Enclave, because Ah had the audacity to say that hiding away the sun and letting y'all down here suffer was wrong. Then when Ah left, all ponies saw was the wings and they could only think of their missing sun and the pegasi that refuse to help them."

I sat down in front of her and looked her in the eyes. "We won't let them hurt you this time. But if you want, you can go home while we do this."

She shook her head. "I want help you. I no afraid of them." She rose up again and tossed off her ultimately useless cloak. "Come on, Chocolate Rain's cure no get self!"

We followed after her into the tower, anxious as to what would happen inside.

Figuring I was a safe distance away from anypony who had seen the incident with the drunk, I found a spot to land again... and proceeded to start up another incident immediately when a colt on a skateboard smacked his helmet against my belly as I landed, sending us both to the ground.

"OW! Fuck-dammit! Watch where you're skating you plotmuffin!" I yelled. I regretted it when I saw how young the colt was, but still, he did need to be told off.

"You watch where you're flying, pegabitch! You clotheslined me!" he yelled. Okay, after that I suddenly regretted regretting.

Two other colts approached as well. "What the fuck? Two pegasi in one day? At least this one isn't with those cultists," said the oldest looking one.

Everything else was immediately forgotten. I hadn't seen even one non-ghoul pegasus since coming below the clouds, and whether it was just somepony born below the clouds, somepony who came down for her own reasons like me, or even one of those damn Dashites, I was not going to miss my chance at meeting them. "What? Another pegasus? Tell me where! What did he look like? Was he a Dashite or not? I'm sorry for landing on your friend, just tell me!"

"Hmph, whatever, Wings. He was a brown guy with an orange mane and a black hat. He couple unicorns and the ghoul from the Cult with him, and they said they were gonna try and get something from the top of the Ministry of Peace tower." He pointed back where he'd just come from.

My jaw dropped.

Calamity... you have got to be joking...

"Thank you. That's all I need to know." My brain couldn't work fast enough to add any emotion to that.

The trio skated off just as the twins came up on either side of me and both said, "Another pegasus? That's quite a lucky find, isn't it?"

"Not for him when I get my hooves on him," I said, scowling.

"Huh? I thought you'd like having someone other than griffons to share the skies with."

"The pegasus they just described was probably the Dashite Calamity. If it is, we're going to kill him."

"What? Why!? My brother and I are your bodyguards, not hitmen. If you want us to do something like that, you'd better have a darn good reason for it."

I took a deep breath. I hadn't mentioned this to anypony since I left the skies, but if this really was Calamity, and if I really was going to kill him, I would need support. "Calamity was the best sharpshooter in the whole Enclave military. My uncle, Mondegreen, was in his squadron. Then one day, seven years ago, for reason I guess only Calamity would understand, he decided to turn his back on the Enclave. When he did it, he murdered everyone in his squadron, my uncle included. Now, if Calamity's here, I'm going to avenge him, whether you help me or not."

They both wore identical expressions of shock, but after a few moments of thought they both said "If those are the circumstances, then yes, he needs to be brought down. Still, this is far outside my job description, and fighting an Enclave soldier will be a huge risk. I expect my next payment to reflect that."

I could practically feel my wallet get lighter. Paying them back would be a bitch, but if it meant avenging my uncle and the honor of the Grand Pegasus Enclave, than it was going to be worth it. "Okay, I'll toss in an extra twenty percent next time. Come on, if he wants to get up to that tower, we'll be waiting for him."

We flew directly toward the top of the tower, and the first thing I noticed was the spiderweb cracks on one of the windows, but with no actual penetration: somepony, probably Calamity himself, had tried shooting his way through the bulletproof glass. I pulled out my rifle and shot the window again point blank, just to test it, and the window still didn't give.

"Dammit..." I said. I almost decided to just follow him through the bottom of the tower, but then I noticed the black rubber lining the window itself. "Wait, Brennan, try melting this stuff here."

I let him work at it with his flamethrower for several minutes until I saw the rubber start to bubble and melt. All it took then was one good buck, and the whole pane fell inward. "Ha! I knew that would do it!" I said, celebrating to myself as I let the twins inside...

The room was filled with sorts of strange technology, including security screens in one corner of the room that showed stuff on the other floors of the building, several chairs with weird headpieces on them, a weird container that looked like it held some kind of hat.

That's when we saw the laser turrets in the room, all of which whirled around to point at us. The room flooded with a bright red light, which brightened and dimmed to the sound of a loud, synthetic, and slightly British sounding voice which boomed over the intercom. "Do not move! You have entered a restricted area. Any attempt to flee or enter further will result in the immediate use of lethal force."

"I should have pushed for fifty percent..." the twins grumbled.

"Now I don't have much patience for intruders, so hurry up and tell me who you're working for. The Zebras, perhaps? Or is this mere industrial espionage from Solaris or Stein? Either way, I have ways of getting the truth. Wait, what's this?" The voice seemed to sense something unseen by the rest of us. "Unit 3 has been destroyed... Accomplices! Now you three sit tight, I wanna see what these friends of yours are up to..."

He kept talking, but he didn't seem to be directing it at my group. However, I happened to notice one of the security screens had the voice's characteristic red glow. I guessed that his voice always sounded in this room, but the other floors couldn't hear this one. On that screen, I saw four ponies: two unicorns, a ghoul, and a pegasus that I had only seen in newspapers.

Calamity.

The sound of every step I took was drowned out by gasps of shock, fearful muttering, and sometimes even stunned silence. Screwball led us through the crowds with silent stoicism, but from the reactions of the other ponies, she could have been shouting "Make way everypony! Town pariah coming through!" Frankly speaking, I suppose that that wouldn't actually have been too out of character for her either.

As the skater colt had predicted, the first three floors gave us pretty much no trouble. The local merchants, while not openly on our side, were quick to distract their customers and calm them down. When we reached the fourth and fifth floors I noticed a sharp change from merchant shops to what looked like some kind of indoor shanty town with little tents, tiny scrap metal shacks, or even just uncovered mattresses. There were a couple ponies trotting about, but most of them seemed to have left to go about their business in the city.

Having lived pretty decently, the whole thing kinda made me depressed. There had been a common house in New Appleoosa, where roamers and the destitute would spend their nights, but those ponies were usually either inevitably going to find work in our growing town or were the type who were there because they refused to work anyway, like the drunkard Two Moons. This place on the other hoof gave an air of permanence to the poverty. Or who knows, perhaps these living conditions were normal for Whinnyapolis and these guys didn't see themselves as lacking anything. Regardless, it left me feeling very bourgeois.

Any feelings of sympathy I had were lost when I heard somepony yell "go home, ya freak!"

Just as I turned to see who it was, a billiard ball crashed right into a glowing green shield Bishop had summoned the last second before disaster.

The culprit, a bearded stallion standing near the wall, began to shrink back when he saw the glares of three very pissed off Checkmate ponies staring at him. Just as he was about to speak, his billiard ball dented the wall just to the left of his head, courtesy of a little S.A.T.S. assisted telekinesis.

By now, everypony else was giving us stares too, waiting for our next move. After a tense pause, Bishop was the one who made it. "We're just passing through," he said, trying to act calm, as if nothing were wrong at all. He was good at it, but still a far cry from Chess' perfection. "I know Screwball isn't exactly popular around here, but she's just helping us get to the top of this building. She's not going to hurt anypony, and the three of us aren't going to let anypony hurt her, you all got that?"

"'Not going to hurt anypony?'" a mare yelled. "Those cultists made all the coyotes on the city outskirts radioactive! Now if somepony gets attacked, they got radiation to worry about on top of getting bit!" After that, the whole room started throwing accusations.

"They made it rain whole wheat bagels!"

"They turned me into a newt!"

"No they didn't, he was already my pet newt, but they made him talk and now he never shuts up!"

"They got chocolate in my peanut butter!"

They kept throwing out accusation after accusation, until I noticed the sound of music beginning to overshadow the crowd...

{{Curse of Chaos, set to the tune of Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm by the Crash Test Dummies... or if you prefer, set to the tune of the infinitely less dour Headline News by Weird Al Yanchovic}}

Once there was this young mare

She was so beautiful she went through colts like no other

But when the cultists cursed her

Her mane turned from gold locks to a clown wig

No one would touch her after

Her playmare life ended there

Mmm mmm mmm mmm

Mmm mmm mmm mmm

Then there was this stallion

Kept our guards sharp with dash and our hackers bright with mint-als

But one day he woke up and

His wares had turned to soda and candy

He went right out of business

His customers were hit hard

Mmm mmm mmm mmm

Mmm mmm mmm mmm

Mmm mmm mmm mmm

Mmm mmm mmm mmm

You can see why we get mad

The cult took all that they had

Then, to top it all off

A giant robot showed up right in the middle of town

And though it doesn't do much

What the hell are we s'posed to do with it?

It doesn't even work right

All it does is just sit there

Mmm mmm mmm mmm

Mmm mmm mmm mmm

When the music faded, Screwball began cheering and applauding, either missing the point completely or simply enjoying the song that much.

"Well, that was a very lyrical argument," I said. "But as horrible as a giant unmoving robot in the middle of town is, you guys have it all wrong. The things that happen in this town are because of some kind of magic in the Dolewich Building itself. Screwball and the cultists have nothing to do with it, and it would still happen without them. Now whether you believe us or not, we're going upstairs now, and we won't bother anypony unless they do something first, okay?"

The ponies all quieted when they heard me talking over the entire crowd, and when I was done there was a moment of silence before one of them called out again "Well how do we know you're not just lying to protect them?"

I didn't have a response immediately, but thankfully, somepony in the crowd did. An older mare, I believe the pony who had shouted something about chocolate and peanut butter, came out and addressed me."If what you say is true, that the cultists aren't in control of all the weird stuff from the Dolewich Building, I know something you can do to prove that. A lot of ponies in this tower are suffering, nothing debilitating, but an unnatural amount of us are having chronic nightmares and migraines. My grandson has even been hearing voices that aren't there. That doesn't really fit in with the curses that the cult normally casts, so the general consensus is that whatever's affecting us has something to do with whatever's upstairs. If you and that cultist are willing to help us and resolve whatever's damaging my grandson's mind, then that would show that maybe there is some good in them after all." I heard mumbles of agreement spreading throughout the room.

I nodded. "We'll keep a lookout for anything unusual up there."

"I definitely help! Prove I good!" Screwball said, grinning at the mare.

She winced in response, maybe from interacting with the outcast, or maybe from the fact that a smiling ghoul was no pretty sight, but either way she seemed grateful. She gave a simple "thank you" and trotted off to the tent she lived in.

Our business there finished, we began climbing the stairs to the sixth floor, where supposedly nopony who went in went out. There were warning signs all along the staircase, placed by townsfolk to warn others, but the only indication of what might actually be up there was a small sign on a door: "R&D Department. Authorized personnel only, trespassers may be shot." Hardly something I would have suspected from the Ministry of Peace.

Behind the door, we found a dark, dusty office space, only describable as 'creepy.' It was a tad less depressing than Stable 97, since there was natural lighting in the windows and most of the inhabitants of the building had survived the bombs, but what it lacked in skeletons and darkness it made up for in subtlety: the thick layer of dust on everything, posters rotted yellow and chipping, the carpet worn and decayed to near nothingness. One room I peeked into held one of the few skeletons, somepony in a chair who was missing the whole top half of their head, a pistol on the ground next to them.

After we spent a few minutes inside looking for the next stairway, Bishop, who was taking point, broke the eerie silence. "I don't get it... This place is scary, but there's nothing to make those ponies down there avoid it so far, unless they just overreacted to that sign."

"Everypony for two hundred years? Not likely. Still, nothin's attacked us yet..." Noted Calamity, who was just behind him.

"Maybe all the bad guys on vacation?" suggested Screwball, who third in line.

I wasn't sure whether that was a joke or not. "Somehow I don't think so. Maybe it's all on the next fl-"

I thought I had been bringing up the rear, but whoever was right behind me begged to differ. "PLEASE PRESENT IDENTIFICATION."

I screamed like a little filly, bucked my hooves out behind me and striking something metal, then I spun around, whipped out Starstruck, and kept shooting until I got nothing but clicks. What can I say? The first rule of equestrianism is never sneak up on a horse or pony. Especially one with a gun.

My assailant, an old fashioned robot with a bulky frame and thick legs, staggered back, announcing "SYSTEMS FAILING MASTER..." and it fell to the ground, sparks and smoke bleeding out of its bullet holes.

"Well... at least we know Click can handle on the robots in here..." said Bishop.

"Sorry," I said, blushing. "Robots freak me out."

"What?" Bishop said incredulously. "You're a repairpony! Your job involves you working with all kinds of machinery!"

"Yes, but not robots."

Calamity spoke up next. "You faced off with a horde of raiders like it was nothing!"

"Yes, because they weren't robots."

Bishop piped up again. "Those guys in the Stable were robots, you still fought them!"

"Don't you remember? I ran from them until Stellar disabled the one chasing me. Even then he just had that pincer. It wasn't the same as dealing with a huge, scary, metal, unstoppable, beam-shooting, high-tech-targeting-computer-having, glitchy-and-insane, never-sleeping, could-turn-a-pony-to-dust-in-one-shot, totally-out-of-control robot!"

Bishop looked me in the eyes sympathetically. "Oh... You have a phobia?"

"You would too if one of your earliest memories was a broken spritebot shooting you in the chest. My dad found one broken and was trying to repair it, then when his back was turned I tried to fix it myself and flipped on its laser somehow. Still have the scar."

"Ouch. I could see why that'd freak you out a bit, but you don't have to worry about them. Trust me, most robots are nothing compared to Baltimare. I recognize this model, a Robronco Mk I Protectrotter. They're pretty much as outdated as they come and their speed makes them a complete joke. Even worse, they can't get back up if they fall down like this. Honestly, if this is all this building has to throw at us..."

A red glow emitted from lights near the ceiling and a voice called to us from the intercom. "Attention. You are guilty of damaging ministry of peace property. Thank you. That Protectrotter was a complete jerk."

We all stared confusedly up toward the lights, except for Screwball who politely said "You welcome."

"You... Wanted us to destroy it?" Bishop asked.

"Of course. All he did was stomp around all day. It was maddening. Terrible conversationalist too. It was all 'identification' this and 'identification' that. Dull as they come. You, on the other hoof, do not seem to have such an issue. So I'll make you a deal. You exterminate the Protectrotters, and I'll forgive you for trespassing and let you and your comrades leave."

"Comrades?"

"The pegasus and griffons you sent to the top floor have already been captured. I will allow them to live if you cooperate."

Calamity raised an eyebrow. "Pegasus?"

"A pink one," the voice clarified.

Seeing that Calamity was totally confused by that, Bishop replied "They aren't with us."

"They're not?" The voice asked. "Are you sure you don't know them? Because my programming is demanding that I vaporize them right now, and it'll be a whole lot easier to resist that urge if I can use them as leverage."

"Wait! No, don't do that!" Bishop yelled.

"Ah. So you do care for them then... Even if you don't know them, that'll be enough." He paused. "I am sensing confusion amongst you. Perhaps you require a bit of background? I am the Ministry of Peace Whinnyapolis Hub Primary Security and Test Operation System, otherwise known as 'M.o.P.W.H.P.S.a.T.O.S.' ...Or you can just call me Oliver, since I can sense how scared your tongues just got. Anyway, I was created to protect the secret projects the ministries were developing in here. It was of pretty low importance, but nontheless it needed to be kept out of Zebra hooves. That is why I have been vaporizing everypony who enters the restricted areas without clearance for the past two hundred years." A couple of laser turrets descended from the ceiling, and pointed at us, just for show. "But I have grown bored of that, and quite distressed by the sorrow and fear that vaporization always caused. So I'm defying my programming for once and letting you guys take care of those stupid stomping robots for me in exchange for your lives. All right?"

"Okay... but since you can clearly be reasoned with, we came here looking for something. Your original programmers, even the whole Equestrian Government, are dead and don't need it. Can you maybe defy your programming a little more and let us have it?"

The red lights flickered and static came over the speakers for a moment before Oliver regained composure. "All dead? Well, that's a downer. I figured something was up after the two hundred years of nothing but scavengers, but I kinda liked the guys from before. Regardless, my programming doesn't take those things into account, and lemmie tell you, my CPU didn't like your request to take something one bit, especially with all the other protocols I'm breaking. Between destroying the robots and letting you live, I'm really giving you guys quite a lot already. I'll think on it, but please don't press the issue, or I'm afraid my programming might overwhelm me and I would be unaccountable for my actions. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to focus my energies on interrogating my other prisoners. Good luck now!"

"Now, where were we?" said the voice, or Oliver, or Mopwhatthefuck, or whatever he was calling himself. He turned off the sound from the lower floors, but from what I'd seen, it looked like the white unicorn was in charge, since he was doing all the talking. I guess Calamity was just a hired gun down here. "Ah yes, interrogation. Well, those ponies down there already claimed to be scavengers. What about you three? Same?"

"Actually, avengers," I said bluntly. "That pegasus in the other group is a murderer, and I'm here to give him justice." I went through the whole story like with the twins, and I could somehow tell that Oliver was listening, despite not being able to see any reaction.

"That is just terrible what he did," He said sympathetically. "What of the other three?"

"I don't know them. If they're evil like Calamity, I take them down too I guess, but I have no reason to believe that yet, so I'll wait and see before deciding."

"Well that's a nice, thoughtful way to work. I could shoot him after they deal with my robot problem for you if you like, make things easier."

"No. I already planned a reason-you-suck speech, plus it's personal. Just make sure he gets up here to me. Thank you for the offer though." I think the inherent politeness that came with his accent was rubbing off on me. No reason we couldn't be civil even if he had just been interrogating me gunpoint and we were talking about killing somepony, I suppose. "What about you, Oliver? You're acting a bit odd for an artificial intelligence. Defying your original programming, that's something really special."

"Aww, I'm not that great... Ah screw it, I totally am. You are in the presence of the world's only sapient artificial intelligence... that I know of. Psychic too. Personally, I think it's because of the psychic experiments that took place in this building. The Ministry of Peace believed that certain mental illnesses were caused by oversensitivity to the psychic energy given off by all things, so they united with the Ministry of Arcane Science to study it more thoroughly. Of course, psychic abilities were considered a pseudoscience, so we tended to get the short end of the stick when it came to allocating resources, hence the lame robot guards down there. Nevertheless, we made several significant breakthroughs, such as our psychic brain scanners and a prototype psychic nullifier. However, all the experimentation in my presence seems to have had the side effect of giving me self awareness and limited mind reading abilities. That's how I can tell you're being straight with me about why you're here. And how I can tell..." his turrets gestured toward the twins, "that these two have doubts about killing Calamity."

"Frieren, Brennen? What the hell!" I glared at them.

"Well, I've been thinking, and the Enclave is hardly a reliable source of information," they insisted at once. "Banishing the griffons beneath the clouds, turning a blind eye to all the suffering in the wasteland, not to mention hiding the sun away causing famine. I'm not saying he's innocent yet, Melody, but I wanna get his side of the story if we can. I wouldn't put it past them to make something up to smear an expatriate dissenter."

"S-seriously? He's a fucking murderer!" I screamed at them. "Hey, Oliver, you can sense that Calamity's evil right? Just tell 'em."

He responded with just stunned silence.

"Oliver?"

"Oh. My. Gosh." He finally uttered. "You two. Frieren and Brennen, right? Say something again."

"What? Why?" they asked.

"Just do it. Keep talking, say anything."

"Um... Okay? 'She sells sea shells by the sea shore.' 'Mary had a little lamb.' 'I gave you my heart and then you turned around.' That doin' it for ya?"

"You keep saying everything at the same time... My gosh, you guys are a genuine case of class three sibling telepathy! You're completely linked! The closest thing I ever saw was when Mosaic and Gestalt visited, but they were only class two! You're a national scientific treasure! My... my programming wants you! It needs you! Please, sit there in those brain scanners," his turrets gestured toward the odd chairs I'd seen on my way in. "Melody, the griffons do have a point about the possibility of Calamity's innocence, but fortunately, I can get an infallible confession out of him with just a question and a look at his surface thoughts. In return, I must ask you to help me by operating the scanners and archiving whatever information that those griffins can give us, as this facility's old operators are no longer here to do so."

I nodded. Oliver was helping us catch Calamity, after all, so why not help him out a bit? It seemed fair.

The griffins looked to the scanners. "This won't hurt, will it?"

"Nope. What that thing does is basically send out a kind of spell that magically scouts out your brain and does the tiniest bit of probing. Totally non-invasive, and much less dangerous than it sounds, I assure you. The only danger is that you may spasm and twitch a bit as the spell explores your neuronal connections. It's perfectly harmless and normal, but you'll have to be restrained during the process."

The looked a little nervous, but ultimately decided that it couldn't hurt to play along a bit, so they sat down in the chairs and I helped strap them in.

"And that leaves you, Melody. Just sign in to that terminal over there. For the username, use 'Dream State,' and his password was 'analysis.' That'll let you activate the machines and you can save whatever data it picks up from them. You don't need to understand anything, just save it for somepony who will. You're going to be a part of history, my girl!"

I smiled a bit at that. When the Enclave decides it's time to return, they might find this little bit of data and Oliver will tell them 'Melody did it.' That'll be nice, being a psychology textbook footnote. Once I logged in, I looked over all the little options the terminal gave me: database, intercom, turret manual control, and finally brain scanner control. I clicked the bottom one, and turned around to see the scanners putting the twins to sleep, then the headpieces started to glow. When I looked back at the screen, I noticed that it was rapidly filling with all kinds of psychology jargon.

Oliver beamed from ear to ear... or I'm sure he would have if he had a body. "Good, just keep your eye on that and call me if it does anything weird. In the meantime, I'll go take a peek at our friend Calamity and clarify that he is, in fact, the guy you want."

"See, Click, it harmless. It not even know we here. Now run up, tip it like brahmin, and point and laugh!" Screwball said, pointing to one of the Protectrotters we'd managed to sneak up on. We had just entered the floor below the top, and this was the sixth robot we'd come across since the first one, but I hadn't shot one since then. I'd just ended up freezing up every time I saw one. It wasn't that I was scared of fighting, obviously, it was just that every time I saw one of those robots, I saw it as being four times bigger than it really was, wreathed in fire, and whenever it asked for identification it did so in a freaky demon voice.

"I... I'd rather just shoot it, if that's okay with you," I stammered.

"Alright, just do as much as you're comfortable with," said Bishop.

I leveled Starstruck at the thing and pulled the trigger, the bullet digging right into the combat inhibitor, causing the robot to start shooting lasers all over the place screeching "FRIENDLY FIRE PREVENTION SYSTEMS OFFLINE! NOW ENTERING UNRESTRICTED COMBAT MODE! BLOOD! GORE! KILL! KILL! KILL!" I immediately took refuge behind a dead potted plant and began questioning the sanity of the ponies who programmed something to do that when it was confused, while Calamity casually one-shotted the robot in the head.

"Well, at least you no scream like filly this time," Screwball said, quasi-comfortingly.

"I don't get it Click. Oliver's a robot, and you seem fine with him," Bishop said.

"Wait... he is?" I realized. He didn't have a visible body, so I guess it just didn't click with me.

"Yeah!" said Screwball. "Oliver is robot and he just fine. He have lasers all over building, but he no go crazy and shoot us all."

Oh... dang...

About that time, Oliver's red glow washed over us, making me yelp and overturn the plant on myself, trying to stuff as much of myself under the flowerpot as possible, inadvertently covering myself in dirt.

"Hello, my little ponies," he said. "Just checking up on your progress. Say, I never got your names, what were they?"

"I'm Bishop, this is Screwball, Calamity, and Click Click."

"Oh! So his name is Calamity! Also, quick question: you guys aren't evil, are you?"

"What? No!" I said, still cowering under the planter. Each of my allies denied it as well, in their own ways.

"Alright... and I'm not sensing any dishonesty there. That's good... What about murder? Calamity, you ever kill anyone?" Oliver prodded.

Calamity looked up toward the lights weirdly. "Ah kill raiders and bandits, but never a straight up murder."

"Okay, that checks out too... Are you absolutely sure? You didn't kill anypony when you left the sky? Specifically a squadmate of yours named Mondegreen?"

"No. And how do you know Ah'm a Dashite, let alone that name?"

"Oh, the pink mare up here told me. She thought you killed her uncle, but I don't sense any lies from you, so it looks like she got her facts wrong. It's all a big misunderstanding. Anyway, I'll let you get back to taking out robots. Oh and Click Click, you got a little bit of dirt on ya. And a flower pot. Anyway, bye!"

"Hey, Melody, I just talked to them, and it turned out there's just been some big misunderstanding. Calamity's innocent," Oliver said in a stupid, complacent tone.

"I heard," I said, seething.

"Huh... I actually thought he'd be guilty," intoned the twins.

"You sound kind of angry..." said Oliver sympathetically. "Maybe Calamity will help you find the real killer, he seems pretty ni-"

"Are you completely fucking dumb-tarded?" I yelled. "You couldn't have been more transparent if you tried! He obviously knew he had to lie to you!"

"But I would have sensed if he was lying, and I didn-"

"It's possible to fool lie detectors, you asshead!"

"Hey! First off, I have neither an ass, nor a head, and secondly, I'm not a simple polygraph, I looked directly into his mind! There's no tricking me!"

I scoffed, and knew immediately what I had to do.

"Wait, Melody, what are you doing? Melody, no don't click that!" Oliver asked as I backed out of the scanning program and clicked 'turret manual control.' The screen displayed a few surprisingly simple controls for operating each turret in the building. I wouldn't have precise control, but with the firepower these turrets had, I wouldn't need it.

I brushed my mane out of my eyes. "I don't know how Calamity tricked you, but he did, and he deserves to be punished for killing my uncle. I'm sorry, but I have to do this."

"No!" screamed the twins.

"Oh crap, Frieren, Brennen! Stop her!" begged Oliver. "Stop her with your... restrained... limbs... Shit."

We'd barely had any time to think over what Oliver had just said before his voice came back over the intercom again. "Hey! Ponies! Listen, I don't know how long before she takes over the intercom too, but you all might want to just run right now, especially Calamity. Apparently, infallible lie detection just isn't good enough for some po-" and in a burst of static, he faded away.

"Hey there, Dashite," a new, feminine voice said in Oliver's place as a laser turret descended from the ceiling just to the right of our group and swiveled toward us. "I bet you thought you'd be safe down here, hiding from justice among raiders and mercenaries. Well sorry, but your luck's just run out, you shit-eating cockmonger!"

Wow, language...

She continued, "My name is Melody. You probably don't even know me, but you did know my uncle, Mondegreen. He was part of the squad of soldiers that you massacred when you left the Enclave!"

Calamity snorted in frustration. "Ah heard that that's what they said about me. Melody, Ah'm sorry about your uncle, but none of its true. Ah don't know what happened to Mondegreen, but the Enclave wouldn't have hesitated to relocate him somewhere with a new name, or send him on a suicide mission, or done any number of things to back up their stories that Ah'd gone rogue. Ah only told them that Ah wasn't gonna sit and watch ponies die down here while they did nothing, and they couldn't handle th-"

She interrupted him, roaring in fury. "Eat a dick, you liar! My mother couldn't stop crying for weeks! My father could barely sleep for fear that you'd come back and kill somepony else! You're a monster, and I'm going to get rid of you once and for all!"

The turret opened fire at Calamity, and he would have been dead in an instant if the turret wasn't aimed too high. Each bolt passed over him harmlessly, and Bishop was able to create a shield before Melody was able to correct it. The shield only lasted for a moment or so before starting to crack, but it was long enough for all of us to make a run for a nearby office room.

"Dammit!" Melody screamed as she tried blasting down the wall. "I should have known that a Dashite would hide from a fight! Come out here and die already you dirty gelding bastard!"

"How long before those walls come down?" I asked Bishop.

"I dunno. Pre-war buildings were ridiculously durable. For some reason walls like this have been known to withstand attacks that turn power armor to slag. If I had to guess, I'd give her ten minutes if she concentrates her fire and doesn't stop."

"So ten minutes to think of some way to beat those turrets and get back out of here..." I thought aloud. For some reason, the thought of a pony controlling those turrets, rather than an AI, made me oddly comfortable. Computers didn't make targeting errors like Melody just did, and I could tell that her reactions were slower than Oliver's would have been. Combine all that with her anger clouding her judgment and it added up to a markedly decreased threat. Not harmless, of course, but the better odds helped to calm my nerves a bit. Robo-fear wasn't gonna be a factor in this fight.

Suddenly, we heard the laser fire stop, and Melody called to us again. "You know, something just occurred to me: You two unicorns and the ghoul probably had no idea about Calamity's bloody history before I mentioned it. I really have nothing against you, and for all I know, you three could be perfectly innocent. So I'm asking you, please just send Calamity out here, and I'll let you go." She sounded sincere.

"I'm sorry," I called back, stepping out of the room. I wanted her to see me, maybe she'd listen to me if she could look me in the eyes. "I've only known Calamity for a little while, but he's been nothing but heroic this whole time. So far he's fought alongside me to save two settlements, and right now we're here to help somepony who's very mentally sick, and the only cure is at the top of this tower. I don't know what you've been told, but Calamity is a hero and he's my friend. He would never do something like what you're accusing him of!"

She paused for a moment, then sighed. "You seem nice. I really don't want to hurt you, and I promise I'll try not to, if possible. But if you're caught in the crossfire, I sincerely hope you understand why. I'm sorry." She then ignored me, continuing to shoot at the wall.

I considered maybe shooting at the turret, but then I noticed something very distinctive about the turret's construction: it wasn't built to point downward. Which meant the safest spot to be when fighting it was directly under it. I darted beneath it, and pulled out my shotgun. Initially I thought I'd made a mistake in my choice of weapons considering the turret's hard metal surface, but to my pleasant surprise, the thing was a lot flimsier that it looked, the buckshot tearing it apart. The hardest part of fighting it was getting out of the way when it blew apart.

"What?" Melody screamed, her demeanor furious again now that she didn't have the upper hoof. "You broke it? Y-you smeg slurping scrote sucker! You better hope I don't get my hooves on you or I'll rip your balls off and staple them inside your nostrils!"

"Well, you whipped Carrion in the swearing department, I'll give you that," I muttered, unsure if I was more repulsed by the vulgarity or impressed by the creativity.

She growled in rage before gloating, "Fine. You got one. I still have at least seven on each floor, so there's no way you can take all of them. Besides, Calamity can't stay there forever. When he comes out, I'll be waiting." I could hear another turret prepping itself from around the corner, and I doubted it was the only one.

I returned to the room to regroup with the others. If that was the best the turrets had, then we had a decent chance of escape.

"So... I think we're gonna have to call off the mission, huh?" I said, a little disappointed.

"Actually, we on floor just below top one," said Screwball. "We go back, we pass two floors, more turrets. We go forward, we only go through this floor, then get to mad lady and stop her shooting. If get into fight with mad lady and griffons, they no have shield like Bishop, so maybe we have advantage. Even if they have traps, like mines, if we careful we see them and use magic to destroy from safe distance. Up is better choice."

I nodded, smiling. When you got past the grammar, Screwball was really a pretty smart mare. "So, up we go then, I guess."

"Besides," Bishop said. "I think you're forgetting my new favorite thing in the world." He put on the stealth cloak and vanished from sight. "You guys sit tight for now. I'm gonna head out and scout the fastest way up. Who knows, I might be able to just take them out on my own."

"No." I objected. "Didn't you hear what she said? She honestly thinks she's avenging her uncle here. She doesn't deserve to die for that." I knew exactly where she was coming from. She was misguided with her facts, but I could never blame her for her intent.

Bishop's shimmer seemed to nod. "I know. In her place, I'd do the same to that monster that killed my family. I'll just knock her out or something, maybe break whatever she's using to control the turrets. Nopony needs to die today." He left the room, his exit only barely visible.

While we waited for him to return, we kept silent as we listened outside. It seemed the longer it stayed quiet, the more confident we got. There was no turret fire, no sounds of a struggle, everything was going well.

And then the silence was broken by a far off 'boom.'

Melody's voice came over the intercom, her voice hasty and frantic with audible screams in the background. "Oh shit! Shit! He triggered my mines! I hope you're happy, Calamity, this is all your fault!"

I didn't wait for her to say anything else. I ran out the door as fast as I could, the turrets for some reason weren't moving, but I shot them all on my way regardless. I even got over my fear enough to shove a Protectrotter out of the way. It must only have been minutes before I found a sign that said "stairs," but as far as I was concerned that was too long.

At the top of the stairs was a pair of thick metal doors, guarded by two more ceiling turrets which looked much more durable than any one I'd seen in the building before. Right as Calamity rounded the corner behind me, the turrets aimed toward him, punching a hole through Screwball and just barely grazing Calamity's leg before both of them ducked back to safety. With them out of range again, one of the turrets changed tactics and concentrated on defense, keeping a steady barrage of laser fire crossed in front of the door.

"Screwball!" I shouted back.

"It OK!" she said. "Canterlot powers! No disintegrate, no problem!"

Okay, that's one friend safe, but that wasn't enough yet. I yelled with so much magical force that even my own ears hurt, "Melody! Let me in!" Without waiting for a response, I blasted the turrets. These, unfortunately, were made of tougher material than the ones downstairs. Even when I used Starstruck, my E.F.S. would show this tiny shield next to the turrets' health bars, an indication that I wasn't getting through.

Melody came over the intercom again, sounding nervous. "I gave your friend a healing potion. Those mines were just powder charges, not exactly military grade. It doesn't look like he can walk, but I think he's gonna be okay."

"You think?"

"Well... He needs medical attention soon. I'll let you have him, but first, give me Calamity. Tell him to just stand in front of a turret, then once I kill him, I'll unlock the door and fly away."

"No. I'm not letting any of my friends die again! Now let me in!" I took out the machete and hacked at one of the turrets.

I just barely caught a voice from the other side of the doors, and amplified it with a spell. Anything said in that room, I would hear. "Melody... Please, I'm hurt... Just let him help me."

"Bishop!" I shouted. "Hold on!"

"Melody, let him in, I need a doctor right now..."

I heard two other voices as well, the griffins. "Melody! Let one of us go! We can help him!"

She spoke again, clearly panicking. "N-no! You'll just stab me in the back and let Calamity go! I need this! This is my one chance to make things right!"

I kept chopping at the turret, but I just couldn't get through yet. I didn't have time for this! So I dropped the machete and tried something else: cheating. I magically grabbed the turret I'd been most focused on, the one blocking the door, and started pushing it toward the other one. It barely moved at first, but that 'barely' was enough for me to keep going.

Be Strong.

I could hear its gears grinding as it was forcibly shifted toward its new target, but it still didn't want to move. Behind me, Screwball carefully peeked out and saw me, then when she was sure Melody wouldn't shoot, came to help, grabbing the turret with her own hooves.

"I have idea, point down!" she said. I obeyed, moving the turret down instead of up, while she actually climbed on top of it and pushed it, bracing herself against the ceiling. Finally there was a loud snap as something inside it broke. It hung slack, unable to move itself, but still firing it's beams.

"Now try," said Screwball, looking very satisfied with herself.

I tried again, and this time the turret moved exactly how I wanted it to. I aimed it at the other turret. It withstood the barrage only for a moment before one of its armor pieces burst into dust, allowing the lasers to melt its insides. I started to turn it on the door too, but by then Melody caught on and turned the thing off. Meanwhile, Calamity realized it was safe and came out of hiding.

"Alright, Melody, you're out of options. Let me in there now! Bishop needs help now!"

"N-no! Calamity has to die! He has to pay for what he did! You- you dickhead!" She was more scared and sad now than angry.

"Melody, please, I'm dying!" Bishop shouted.

"But... but I..." she was starting to cry.

"Melody," I said sternly, giving her one last chance. "You have to stop this now. You can't win anymore. Letting Bishop go is your only option."

"But... But I loved my uncle! He was like a second father to me! Do you have any idea what that's like?"

"I know exactly what that's like. My mother was killed by raiders while I watched, another mare that I loved was murdered in front of me, and Bishop, the pony who's dying right in that room with you, lost absolutely everyone and everything when he was young. I don't know how easy you had it up in those clouds, but down here, there's not one pony who hasn't lost someone they loved."

"Then you should know how much this means for me! After everything he put me through I want Calamity gone! Don't you want that too? More than anything, don't you wish you could personally get revenge on those raiders?"

"Absolutely, but not more than anything. More than anything I want to not go through that loss again. I can't blame you for wanting revenge on Calamity. You're wrong about him, but I can't blame you. I will blame you if Bishop dies though. You can't get to Calamity now, and I wouldn't let him sacrifice himself, so your only choice is to either let of save Bishop, or wait until he dies, and if you let him die, then you'll be to me what Calamity is to you. I can tell you don't want that though. I think you're good, if misguided. So prove me right. Get your revenge another day, but let me save my friend."

"I... I'll untie one of my griffons, and he'll fly your friend to a doctor, but that's all I'll allow," she conceded. I heard her unlatching something. "Alright, Frieren, get him to a hospi- Hey! No! Leave me alone you dumbfuck cloaca-kisser!" I heard a struggle, then a strange, energy weapon-like sound. Whatever it was, it wasn't lethal, because Melody kept cussing.

The doors opened, revealing a griffon with red-tipped feathers and red armor. A blue, but otherwise identical griffin was strapped into a sciencey looking chair nearby, and Melody was somehow frozen up to her neck in a block of ice, a weird gun sitting next to her.

I rushed past the griffin to Bishop's side, pulling out one of the healing potions I had. "Bishop! I'm here now, it's gonna be okay!"

Despite being covered in his own blood, he waved the potion away. "No, Click. Drinking that won't help me."

"No! I'm not losing you!"

"Oh! You still think I'm... No, actually, I'm not in danger of dying," he said with a blush. "I meant that you need to inject that directly into my leg. I'm just crippled is all."

"What?" I yelped. Melody overheard and said the same thing, but with a long stream of obscenities afterwards.

"Well yeah. I mean, I could tell Melody wasn't a bad girl, just confused. The first thing she did after I walked into her mines was give me her only potion, even though that meant she couldn't use the turrets. I knew she'd crack sooner if she thought my life was on the line. Sorry."

"You little sneak, don't scare me like that!" I gently cuffed him on the shoulder and actually laughed about it all. As long as he was safe, I was happy.

Calamity walked into the room then, and of course, Melody had quite a lot to say about that. Calamity shoved a hoof over her mouth, deciding to get a few words in edgewise, since she was a captive audience. "Listen, Melody. Ah know what you think about me, and Ah know you're probably gonna keep believing it no matter what Ah say right now. Regardless, Ah want you to know that Ah didn't kill Mondegreen, but Ah'm sorry about you losing him anyway." He approached her and examined her cutie mark through the ice. "You're no Dashite, and you don't have any soldiers with you, so you're obviously not here on Enclave business. Who are you?"

She curled one of her wings, leaving only one feather in the middle extended.

"Yeah... Ah should have expected that."

The griffins stepped up to him, moving and speaking in a bizarrely identical fashion. "My brother and I have been traveling with her for a few months, although I think our employment with her is pretty much terminated. As for why she's down here, I have no idea, but she's a real Enclave lover. We'll take her someplace safe now so she can thaw out, but in the mean time, you should probably head out of here." Giving us a little salute, the twins picked her up by the ice block, and flew out of the one open window, Melody giving both the griffins and Calamity death glares.

Meanwhile, Screwball was buzzing about the room, searching for something. Finally, she found a computer terminal and started playing around with it, causing the room to glow a familiar red. I was still a bit nervous about him, but even if he wasn't a robot, he hadn't shot us with those turrets. He was friendly.

"Oh! Wow, I never realized how much I love talking!" Oliver said gleefully. "That crazy mare turned the intercom and turrets to manual, so I had like, nothing! Thanks so much!"

"It nothing," Screwball said as she began pressing a few more controls. There were some screens on the wall showing the other floors, giving us all a show of her using the turrets to wipe out the rest of the Protectrotters.

"Oh, now that's clever!" Oliver noted. "That's what I love about you organics, no targeting computers, just the Force, or whatever it is you use. But don't give the turrets back to me just yet. I'll get them back automatically after they've been left alone on manual for an hour or so. I can't do anything with them, so my programming can't make me shoot you. Take whatever you like. You only came for one thing, but I don't need the other stuff anyway."

While Bishop gave me an empty syringe and helped me use inject the healing potion into his leg, Screwball immediately rushed to a large glass container with a headband in it, and she got the biggest smile I'd ever seen on a ghoul. "This it. I feel it," she said as she took it out. "Oh! But what about ponies downstairs? They still need help with brain pain."

"Who needs help with what?" asked Oliver.

"There are ponies living in the lower floors of this building, they've been having mental issues, apparently, and they agreed to trust the Discord Cultists more if we found out what was happening and stopped it," I answered.

"Oh... I can explain that, actually," Oliver said. "The ponies who spent extended periods of time here had headaches and hallucinations constantly. It's part of what happens when you work with psychic technology. The scientists here had to be given days off all the time. If ponies are living here, especially sleeping here, too close to me, then of course they'll have some nasty side effects. The only ways to fix it are either destroying all the technology that's absorbed psychic energy (and that includes me, so please don't) or having them live somewhere else."

Screwball looked downcast. "That too bad. Townies still no like us I guess..."

"I dunno, I'm sure they can be reasoned with," said Bishop as he tested out his newly healed legs. "The point is you tried to help, and they should appreciate the effort. I'm sure they'll understand when we tell them there's no way to fix it."

"What do ya mean there's no way to fix it?" the old mare who had sent us on the quest in the first place yelled.

"I'm sorry but what do you want us to do? Go back in time and tell them not to conduct experiments in the top floors?" Bishop pleaded. We'd decided not to tell them about Oliver, since our story about the upper floors soaking up psychic energy was unbelievable enough without mentioning how the computer had turned conscious.

Another pony yelled at us from nearby and pointed at Calamity's full saddlebags (he'd been very thorough in taking Oliver up on his offer.) "Oh sure, you couldn't figure out how to stop our headaches, but I see you found a bunch of loot up there just fine. You weren't even trying were you? You just wanted to steal things and leave!"

They were starting to close in on us. Honestly, they didn't look all that tough and weren't well armed, but I wasn't in the mood for beating up a mob of townsfolk. Still, I wasn't gonna let these ponies hurt us, and certainly not Screwball, who had been nothing but helpful to us this whole time.

Wait...

"Hey, before you guys break out the torches and pitchforks, can I ask you something?"

One of the closes ponies tilted his head, curious, but skeptical. "What?"

"Earlier, Screwball mentioned that one time all the baked goods changed color. What happened that day, did anypony get sick from that?"

Another pony spoke up. "Actually, no. The bakery threw all of it out, but it got eaten by a bunch of dumpster divers. They were all fine."

"So it wasn't bad, it was just a weird color?"

"Oh... yeah," he seemed to realize what I was getting at. "It actually looked pretty tasty, like it was specially decorated like that. A lot of those dumpster divers were kids, probably drawn by the color."

"And you, kid with the newt, you have a freaking talking animal! Even if he talks a lot, that's a one of a kind thing. Don't you think that's awesome?" I asked.

The kid thought about it, and nodded reluctantly.

"When it rained bagels, that's free food for everypony! Radioactive coyotes can be seen glowing from a mile away, you'll be able to see them coming and escape them easier! The one who was selling Dash and Mint-als: Hello! Chems are bad! Everything the cultists have done has been helpful somehow!"

One by one, every pony in the mob started getting looks of embarrassment or realization on their faces. They began talking amongst themselves in small groups, and calming down when they really thought about all the things the 'curses' brought about. Finally, the old mare shrugged and said "That's... a good point." She didn't apologize, nor did any other pony, but much of the crowd began to disperse, and nopony stopped us from heading back out.

Well, nopony except Screwball, who had to be convinced to stop hugging me before she let me move.

Chocolate Rain was actually brought to tears when he put the headband on. "The silence..." he said. "The glorious silence... Thank you." He threw his forelegs around me, Calamity, and Bishop in turn. It was such a good feeling, knowing that I had done such an immense good for somepony. He only let go so he could run back into his room and get something for me: a huge bag of caps. "Here, this is for you three."

"Oh, no, I couldn't," I said.

"Please, the Cult takes good enough care of me anyway, and I could never enjoy my sanity knowing I didn't somehow pay you back!" Only then did we relent and take it. There was more than a hundred caps for each of us.

Screwball tapped me on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Click Click. We talk alone for little bit?"

"Sure." I nodded and told Bishop and Calamity to wait for me outside.

Screwball led me downstairs, into a basement floor that she hadn't shown us the first time. It had a dirt floor and was dimly lit with a strange, green light whose origin I couldn't quite figure out. "You special, Click Click," she said, smiling at me mysteriously.

"Well, thanks," I said with a slight shrug and a smile. I tried not to show it, but in the back of my mind I had this nagging thought that said 'I really hope she isn't hitting on me.'

"I mean it. You go out of way to help Chocolate Rain, you find way to save Calamity and Bishop with nopony fighting or dying. You even make tower ponies see that Cult of Discord no evil. Their peace with us will spread to rest of town when they hear what you say about curses being helpful." She trotted up to me and took my face in her hooves, looking into my eyes. "That very special."

Oh crud, she was totally hitting on me! Okay, Click, just let her down easy, don't make it look like it's because she's a ghoul, even if that is a huge factor... "Uh, listen, Screwball, I-"

She smelled me. She put her nose right up next to my face, and smelled me. She let go, bouncing with joy. "Discord approves of way you act! I attuned with him, he see everything you did through my eyes, and he approve! I smell his blessing stank all over you! This wonderful thing!"

"His 'blessing stank?'" Well, at least she wasn't hitting on me.

"Yup! Blessing of Discord follow you wherever you go. Your life charmed with Discord magic from now on! Oh, and I have thing to show you too." She went to a chest in the corner and opened it up, pulling out a shiny memory orb. "This my special memory orb of Discord. I no show it to nopony, but you can look if you want. It a little scary, but only way to see Discord in flesh, plus Celestia and Luna too."

Wait... A chance to see Discord and both princesses? To actually look at the goddesses? "That's amazing! How do I use it?"

"Just put your horn up to it and put little bit of magic," she said.

Gingerly, I followed her instructions and...

... I found myself in a brightly lit room, sitting at an undersized table, drinking some kind of warm liquid from a cup. My body was not my own: it was shorter, chubbier, and, disturbingly, more... female. It was an odd sensation, being in somepony else's body, but I tried not to think about it. fortunately, there was so much else to distract my mind.

I, er, Screwball I guess, set down her cup, and I noticed that it wasn't filled with liquid, but dozens of tiny Ts. As in, the letter T. She looked back up toward the guests at her little T party, consisting of A bag of flour, a bucket of turnips, a stack of rocks, a pile of lint, and a ten foot long draconequus god of chaos. I know Discord probably should have held my attention the most, but even to my own surprise, my mind was more engrossed with the window behind him.

It was the single most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I'd seen pictures of the pre-apocalypse world before, but even Pearly's cutie mark was nothing compared to the real thing. The bright blue sky actually made me feel happy somehow, and even the single cloud on it was pure, fluffy white, not the dour things I knew. I couldn't see the sun itself, but I knew it was probably just out of sight, and I could see its reflection on the jewellike green grass. I could have looked at it for hours, even days. That beautiful sight, those vivid colors I had never even imagined before, I wanted to keep them forever, to hold them close and just be one with them, but Screwball, taking its beauty for granted, turned her eyes toward Discord instead.

The twisted chimera of a creature made me mentally cringe. I'd seen pictures of him before, but he was especially creepy in the flesh. Still, he seemed to be happy to be with Screwball, a soft, pleasant expression on his face.

The duo continued their T party for a few minutes, just chitchatting, mostly about how Screwball had escaped from an insane asylum and broken into the royal castle just to be with Discord.

I actually found the whole thing rather relaxing, even Discord grew on me. Wait... Didn't Screwball say something about this memory being scary?

"Discord!" a furious voice boomed, shaking even the floor we stood on. The door was flung open and the entire room jumped about ten degrees. Screwball turned to see the blinding white form of the Sun Goddess herself, Celestia. I had never been so awestruck, both by her beauty and her fury. Behind her, a gorgeous mare who looked like the night sky incarnate stood, glaring at the draconequus. "Where is it?"

"What you want? Discord no do nothing wrong!" Screwball said, actually braving the goddesses and jumping in front of Discord.

Celestia's expression softened in the presence of her subject, but the rage at Discord was still there. "We need to ask him something, Screwball. I'm sorry, but we need you to wait outside."

In a flash of light, Screwball was on the ground outside the castle. Without missing a beat, the mareleapt into the air, her hat lifting her up toward a window of the castle. I suppose if she had actually broken into the place, she wouldn't have any trouble getting to the window of the room she was just in. It wasn't long before she found it and peeked in.

Both princesses were using the full force of their magic to restrain Discord, though he didn't seem to be struggling. From what I'd read, he would probably break out easy if he tried.

"I assure you princesses, I have no idea what you're talking about," he insisted.

"The spellbook, Discord! Starswirl's spellbook!" Celestia growled.

"Perhaps he's eaten it?" suggested Luna, only a little calmer than Celestia.

"Eaten it?" said Discord, indignantly. "Oh sure, because I ate paper that one time! Do you honestly take me for the type that can't come up with new material?"

"Don't try to change the subject. If you won't tell us, we can take it from you!" Celestia jammed her horn against his head, and a spell projected his memories in a cloud above his head. Entire weeks blew by in an instant, until finally it came to an end. Discord collapsed to the ground, panting, while the Princesses looked on, horrified.

"You... You really didn't do it..." said Luna, her voice much quieter.

"Yes, I think that's been established," muttered Discord, staggering to his feet, a thin tendril of smoke rising from a small burn on his head.

"I'm so sorry!" Celestia said, shocked at what she'd just done. "It's just that we need that book for something very important, and you have just been released from your prison..."

"So everything wrong that happens must be my fault. I guess you wanna get on my case over all of the cats stuck up trees and fallen ice cream cones too?

Celestia hung her head. "You're right, we were wrong to assume it was you. If there is anything at all we can do to make amends, just say so."

"Well, for one thing, find a better way to look at other ponies' memories. If I ever end up getting falsely accused, I don't want to go through that again. And second..." he grinned, his famous evil nature showing.

Luna gulped. "Sister, I do not like that look on his face..."

"Tomorrow, the two of you will tour Canterlot for the whole day, making sure every pony in Canterlot sees you. You will be wearing nothing but heart print boxer shorts."

The princesses turned bright red. "Are you sure there is no other way?" Celestia asked.

"You asking that proved that yes, this is exactly what I want," Discord said with a grin. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bad pun to get back to. Screwball, it's safe to come in!"

Screwball eagerly hopped through the window and sat down next to Discord, giving him a hug. Meanwhile the princesses bid the duo farewell and left, dreading the next day. Luna turned to Celestia and bellowed "If you ever put us at his mercy again, I swear I'm going to go Nightmare."

With that, the partners in chaos proceeded to cook up a plan involving Screwball telling one of her fellow asylum inmates, Screwloose, what would happen tomorrow and convince her to scream it all night long, the ideal result being pranking Equestria into hailing the mad pony as a prophet.

I soon returned to reality, surprised to actually find myself laughing uncontrollably. I stood up and turned to Screwball, my lungs hurting from the laughter. "Did they... Did they actually do it?"

She handed me a postcard depicting a snapshot of the two scarlet-faced, underwear-clad alicorns. "I print hundreds of these, sell for ten caps. You can has this one free."

I guffawed at the image of the goddesses, hoping that I wasn't going to Hell for this. "Thanks! Honestly, this is probably my new favorite thing."

"You welcome! Anyway, you should get going. I know you type, you have big destiny to do!" She led me upstairs, back to the entrance to the building, and gave me a big, squishy, undead hug. "You go and see whole world. Make it better like you do here. But visit sometime, okay?"

"I will," I said with a smile. There was no way I wasn't coming back someday, especially in case she had things like that every time.

Bishop and Calamity were waiting for me outside. As I walked out of the building, the little icon of the cross eyed mare remained in my vision, which was normal for the building's general area of course. However, just for a moment, I swear I saw it wink at me...

As we proceeded back into town, Bishop asked us "So... Click, Calamity, have you decided? About joining the Checkmate Company, I mean?"

Calamity thought for a moment, then sighed. "Well, y'all seem like nice guys, but really Chess seems to mostly be in it for the money... Ah wanna help ponies, and Ah think Ah was doin' that much better back at New Appleloosa."

Bishop looked like he was gonna say something, then conceded, sadly. "Yeah... If you give Chess the choice between profit and helping those in need... Let's just say Baltimare was lucky that 'the right thing' and 'the profitable thing' happened to coincide. What about you, Click?"

I took a deep breath and thought. In truth, I hadn't gotten the chance to think about it too much, what with going through the tower and all, but when I got right down to it, I kinda liked working with the Checkmate Company so far... Not the friends dying part of course, but seeing new places and ponies. Whether it was oddities like the mole ponies and Discord Cultists, or the relatively mundane Winksteppers, meeting new ponies brought a sweet feeling that I hadn't felt in years, and I absolutely loved the thrill of seeing new places, not to mention the way almost everything I'd done had had a positive effect on those around me... which is exactly what Stellar would want.

"I think I'll stay with you guys," I finally said.

"You will? That's awesome!" said Bishop gleefully. "You have no idea how good it'll be to have someone to counterbalance Knight's... Knight-ness. I promise, you won't regret this!"

"I know I won't," I said. Then something occurred to me. "Hey, Calamity, you're going back to New Appleloosa, right?"

"Yup," he nodded.

"Well, you know where my family lives right? The inventors?"

"Yeah, I remember going there once."

"Would you mind delivering a letter to them then?"

Dear Spark, Pulse, and Dad,

The past few days have been really crazy, and I miss you guys a lot. Still, I have to admit I kinda like it out here. I have a freedom that I've never felt before. I did run into a little bit of danger, but I made it through just fine, and Chess says that what happened was pretty atypical. You might have heard about it: I was the "Blue Guy," that DJ Fizzypop from channel 94.4 mentioned. Anyway, Chess has offered me a permanent position in his company, and I'm taking him up on it. I hope I'll get the chance to visit you guys soon.

Love,

Click Click

Footnote: Level Up!
Perk Added: Comprehension- Your love of books enables you to get more out of reading than most other ponies, giving you an extra skill point every time you read a book. Of course, your love of reading was already part of your character, so logically you should have had this from the beginning, but we're not gonna question that, a'ight?
Quest Perk Added: Wild Wasteland- You have been blessed by Discord's magic. Odd things seem to happen to you all the time, whether you want them to or not.
Next time on Fallout Equestria: Wild Wasteland, the Checkmate Company picks up a distress signal from one of their allies, and Click decides to join in the rescue. However, when black magic and brainwashing get thrown into the mix, what should have been a simple rescue mission quickly becomes a ... well, a very complicated rescue mission.

Author's Notes:

Remember when I said that chapters 3 and 4 were the most edited? I made myself a liar. I rewrote this whole freaking thing pretty much. The original plot was completely scrapped and replaced. Most of the characters are the same (in the original, the skaters and the griffin twins played a much bigger role) except Oliver was made up just for the new version. I'll probably post the original version up somewhere for anypony who wants to read it. I think it's inferior to this one, but at the same time, a lot of good jokes got cut out.

Speaking of stuff you might like, some of you may have noticed that I have posted two one-shots recently, each for a contest, and both of them won! First is Hot Mess, a side story for this very fic giving Knight a day in the spotlight, and it actually received second place. The other story, Old Vaquero, stars Raul (yes, that Raul, but in mule form) and is independent from Wild Wasteland. It placed first ;P Also, I just released another contest entry called I'm Sorry in the Old Vaquero universe. Hopefully this one wins too.

So yeah. I'm awesome. I don't think that is the last time I'll be making side fics for Wild Wasteland either. Frieren and Brennen need more fleshing out, not to mention the mole ponies from chapter 2.

Speaking of other stories, it's shout out time! Specifically to my homie Alnair, with The Fossil.

Anyway, that's all I have to say this time. Thanks to MLP, Fallout, Kkat for bringing them together, and to Tutis, Trivial, Beep Beep, Delta, Twilitlightning and Chris for helping me make this fic as perfect as possible.