“Now now, Insano, don’t panic,” the scientist said to himself as he paced back and forth. “Panicking is what fools do, and Doctor Insano is no fool. I just… somehow, someway got turned into a unicorn, that’s all.” He paused and muttered, “Dear lord, those words just came out of my mouth.”

He shook his head vigorously. “That’s beside the point. All of my cybernetic enhancements appear to be intact, though how the fuck I’ll use my finger mounted electricity casters without any goddamn fingers is a mystery. Just need to find my way to some sort of civilization and sort this out, and hopefully find a way to turn back into my old, devilishly handsome self. If I can’t do that, I’ll need to refit all my equipment before I can use it. Until then, I’ll just rely on my trusty goggles.”

He cycled through his inventory until he found the piece of stored equipment he wanted. A wireframe of his gaydar appeared in front of him before all the wires and casings appeared and filled out the schematic. After a few seconds, the finished product laid on the ground at this feet – er, hooves.

“Just need to use this to find somebody,” he said, carefully picking it up with his hooves and pressing the buttons with his nose. “Where there are gay people, there is civilization.”

It only took a few seconds for the gaydar to go absolutely haywire, beeping wildly in his hands. “Holy fuck, I’ve struck a goldmine!” he exclaimed as he turned in the direction his gaydar was picking up signals. “Huge heaps of homo to the northwest! Must be a gay neighborhood like Castro in San Francisco.”

He returned his gaydar to storage and brought out the anti-magic field generator, just as some extra insurance. The metal satellite floated above him as he finally climbed out of the crater he arrived in and trotted in the direction his gaydar bade him. The chatter of the forest filled his ears, and he could have sworn that they were gathering to watch him. But that was just a ludicrous idea. Most animals were not intelligent enough to exhibit curiosity, and certainly not small woodland creatures. He shook his head in contempt of the cute furry things as he trudged deeper into the forest.

“Does this forest ever fucking end?!” Insano screamed at the top of his lungs several hours later. “This place is darker than a reality show host’s twisted, blackened heart and as infinite as Noah’s hatred of that stupid fucking Final Fantasy series!”

He snarled as the only response he got was birds flying away in surprise and the chattering of the forest wildlife. It was indeed dark, but the night vision capabilities of his goggles compensated for that. It was a long walk, which was irritating, but not too bad. What truly irritated him was that he was stuck with walking on four limbs instead of two and it was awkward as hell to grow accustomed to.

“If I find out who did this to me, I’ll pump acid into their veins so they dissolve from the inside out,” he spat as he summoned up his gaydar once more. “Am I even going in the right fucking direction?” He checked the device to see that, indeed, he was still on the right path – though something else it was picking up caught his eye. “Six beings giving off readings are nearby… not that far from here, either, if this thing can pick them out individually.” He smiled and giggled to himself. “I may not have to look that far for civilization after all!”

Just as Insano was packing up his gaydar and returning it to storage, he heard a growl to his right. He snapped his gaze in the direction of the noise and saw several pairs of glowing yellow eyes staring back at him. Thanks to his night vision, he could clearly see that they were wolves of some sort. Their defining characteristic was that instead of fur, flesh and bone, they appeared to be made out of wood.

“Now this just makes no goddamn sense.” Insano paused and deadpanned, “Said the unicorn in the lab coat.” He scrambled back onto his hooves as he turned to face them. “Very interesting, though; I’m definitely not on Earth, that’s for sure. Now, what to use?” He heard another growl to his left, and a quick glance told him that more were in that direction. He concluded that he was more than likely surrounded. “They probably don’t possess enough higher brain functions to be affected by my hypno vision. Heat vision might set them ablaze and burn the forest down, ignoring the fact that it would damage the corpse far too much to properly study.” He manically giggled and grinned as the wolves began to step forward, closing the circle around him. “Death ray vision it is, then!”

The first wolf lunged right for his throat.

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

“Are we there yet?”

“Pinkie!” Twilight shouted, rounding on the party pony. “Do you see a big smoking crater anywhere nearby?”

Pinkie looked around, her smile as indestructible as ever. “Can’t say that I do!”

“Then no, we are not there yet,” Twilight half said, half snarled as she turned back around and stomped off ahead of the group once more, her glowing horn lighting the way through the darkness. Brief contemplations of causing grievous harm flashed through her mind, and the main reason she didn’t act on them was because of Pinkie’s nice… cakes. Yeah, that was it. It was her great baked goods that made her mouth water in a non-sexual way that held Twilight back. Nothing else. She certainly wasn’t taking the lead so that she wouldn’t stare at her other friend’s… cakes. If she ignored the fact that none of the other girls made cake and that there was no cake in the immediate vicinity, that rationalization made perfect sense to Twilight if she didn’t think about it at all.

“Um, Twilight, maybe we should turn back,” Fluttershy suggested, trotting up behind the unicorn and snapping her out of her thoughts.

“Yes, darling, couldn’t this have waited until sunrise?” Rarity asked with a yawn. “Some ponies were already pulling an all-nighter with their day jobs.”

“And some of us only have a few hours left until we’re supposed ta wake up for work,” Applejack agreed, yawning herself.

“I don’t know what you’re all complaining about,” Rainbow Dash dismissed as she hovered a few feet above them. “I’m wide awake.”

“I wonder if that’s because you take four naps a day, or because you drink so much coffee that I’m certain your heart pumps that instead of blood,” Rarity deadpanned.

“Hey, the captain of the town weather team has to be at full power at any given time,” Rainbow shot back. “And just because I love hot coffee does not mean I have a problem.”

“Yeah, I mean, I love sweet things,” Pinkie Pie commented to nopony’s great surprise. “Candy, cupcakes, pie, cake, pussy… just because I have those things all the time doesn’t mean I’m addicted.”

Twilight blinked and rapidly shook her head. “What was that last one, Pinkie?”

“Honey,” Pinkie said with a giggle. “You really need to get your ears checked, Twilight.”

“Um… yeah, yeah, I guess I do,” Twilight admitted, hiding her bright red face from the others. “Anyway, no, I don’t think this could wait until sunrise. That explosion looked and sounded like a typical teleportation spell performed by a unicorn nowhere near experienced enough to pull it off. Somepony could be seriously hurt out here.”

“Besides, we’ve come in here and came back out without a scratch several times before,” Rainbow Dash said proudly. “Hay, the first time was when we had Nightmare Moon after us. I think we can handle anything the Everfree can throw at us.”

“Careful, sugarcube; sayin’ things like that is just darin’ the forest to prove ya wrong,” Applejack warned.

Rainbow Dash scoffed. “It’s not like the forest can actually hear me; it’s just a bunch of trees. Besides, we’ve got Fluttershy with us. You know, the pony who shouted down a bucking dragon and stared down a cockatrice? We’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“Well, I, um… thanks for the v-vote of confidence, Rainbow Dash,” Fluttershy stammered.

“No problem, Shy.” There was the sound of a small pat and a squeak. Twilight’s logic knew it was probably on the back, but her baser thoughts chose to believe it was towards the tail.

“And don’t forget Rarity here, who kicked a manticore right in the face,” Applejack reminded.

“It didn’t particularly do much good, but thank you, dear,” Rarity said back.

“We’re all pretty awesome!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she bounced along.

“Um, sorry to interrupt all the compliments going around, but does anypony else hear that?” Fluttershy asked.

Twilight stopped and swiveled her ears around. It was faint over the sounds of the forest and the sound of six sets of hoofsteps, but she could hear a very high-pitched voice shouting not too far in the distance along with the snarling of multiple animals.

“Yeah, only a science major could kick your asses this thoroughly! Who else wants some lasery death?!” There was suddenly a loud shriek. “You… you tore up my lab coat! I’ll donate your corpse to a creationist museum for that, you mutt! Yeah, not even a real museum, a fucking creationist one!”

“Sounds like somepony’s in trouble,” Applejack said, galloping off in the direction of the voice. “C’mon, girls!”

The rest of them followed their cowpony friend as fast as they could manage, weaving in and out through the trees and underbrush to keep up. The voice and the distinct sound of growling timber wolves became clearer with each passing second, along with a periodic buzzing sound and a flash of yellow light.

“That is it! For every new tear in my lab coat, I will destroy you!” the voice half shouted, half pouted. “Wait, no, not the face, not the face!”

There was another loud buzzing and a flash of yellow light as the group arrived on the scene. Twilight’s eyes were met with the sight of a unicorn stallion with a white coat and neon green hair surrounded by a pack of timber wolves along with a few distinctly dead timber wolves. One was on top of him, but he managed to flip the lifeless body off of him and scramble back onto his hooves. He was covered in various small scratches, but blood was gushing out of a jagged gash in his side.

“Come on, puppies!” the strange stallion taunted. “You’re so pathetic you couldn’t kill my boredom, let alone the infamous Doctor Insano!” Living up to his apparent name, he cackled madly as another pair of wolves rushed him.

Fortunately for the far outnumbered colt, Rainbow Dash and Applejack intercepted the pincer attack, the former tackling one to the ground and the latter kicking one away right in the jaw. “Hold in there, partner, we’ve got your flank covered!” Applejack assured as she took a defensive stance.

“Oh my gosh, are you okay?” Fluttershy gasped as she flew to the colt’s side. She looked over his wounds and muttered, “Oh no, this is not good at all…”

“Who the fuck are you?” He shook his head. “You know what, nevermind, don’t care.” Another wolf tried to lunge at him, but a beam of yellow light burst out of the odd goggles the colt was wearing. The wolf was dead before it hit the ground. “I’ve got this situation well under control, so you girlies just stand back and let me handle this.”

“My furry blue plot you’ve got this under control!” Rainbow Dash shouted as she wrestled with the wolf on the ground. Rarity came to her rescue and kicked it in Applejack’s direction, who in turn bucked it into a nearby tree, knocking it out cold. “Thanks, Rare.”

“No problem, dear,” the unicorn dismissed.

“Pinkie, you know what to do!” Twilight called out as she steadied herself, spreading her hooves and lowering her head.

“Aye aye, captain!” the party pony said, jumping over beside Twilight and taking her tail in her hoof. Twilight screwed her eyes shut as Pinkie rotated her tail, getting ready to let loose a barrage of magic bolts.

Only for her horn to sputter out and not respond.

“Wh-what’s going on?” Twilight asked, beginning to panic. “My magic’s not working!”

“Hm…” Pinkie hummed to herself before smacking Twilight’s flank as if she were a machine that refused to start.

Twilight let out a shy yelp and shrieked, “Pinkie, my magic is not stored in my plot!”

“My magic isn’t working either!” Rarity exclaimed, backing away from the fighting. Pinkie looked over to her with a hum and Rarity snapped, “Don’t you even think about it!”

The colt named Insano looked up right after he zapped another wolf. “That would be the work of my anti-magic field generator.” He motioned upward, and Twilight caught sight of the device for the first time as it hovered above its owner.

“Anti-magic field generator?” Twilight asked in disbelief.

“Truly a glorious invention, is it not?” Insano asked with a manic giggle. “It’s made of pure steel, it’s impossible to reach by melee weapons, and it’s practically indestructible! Well, except for that weakness against blitzballs, but I swear I will find a way to fix that someday.”

“Well, would you be a dear and turn it off?!” Rarity asked with a hint of panic as a pair of wolves broke off from the rest and cornered her, Pinkie and Twilight.

“Fine, fine, hold your horses,” Insano said without a hint of irony as the blinking light in the center of the flower-like satellite turned off.

Twilight and Rarity’s horns glowed in tandem as they picked the pair of timber wolves off the ground and repeatedly smacked their heads against one another. Satisfied that they were out cold, they dropped them to the ground.

Twilight looked back to the main fight to see Applejack punch a wolf square across the jaw, sending it skidding across the ground, while Rainbow Dash bucked two in the forehead with each rear hoof. They were both covered in scratches and splinters, and were beginning to pant from fatigue. Beams of light continued to burst out of Insano’s eyes, causing wolves to drop, while he just cackled madly and continued to ignore the fact he was bleeding all over the forest floor.

“I could do this all night!” the colt giggled in glee.

“I like this guy!” Pinkie Pie shouted as she jumped into the fray, pouncing on a timber wolf.

“Ah’m glad somepony’s having fun,” Applejack panted as she turned around and kicked another lunging wolf, “but we sure ain’t!”

“You kidding? I haven’t been this pumped in ages!” Rainbow Dash panted with a wide grin and the look of a daredevil in her eye.

“Oh, as long as you’re getting your adrenaline kick, all the injuries and my ruined hooficure are worth it,” Rarity snarked as she picked another wolf up in her magic field and slammed it into a tree, joining Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash in the circle.

Twilight joined the others and blasted a wolf away with her own magic. “There are just too many of them!”

“There are way too many here to be just one pack,” Fluttershy managed to say over the din of combat. “Something has to be attracting them!”

“What the hay could be doing that?” Rainbow asked as she knocked a wolf out with a flying uppercut.

“My perfume did say that it would unlock the beast within my stallion, but I doubt it would do this,” Rarity said as she grabbed one wolf and tossed it into another.

“No, no, it’s nothing like that,” Fluttershy shook her head. “I think I remember reading somewhere that timber wolves hate certain noises so much that they’ll do anything to destroy the source. I think that the most common cause of noises like that was…” Her eyes shot up at the hovering anti-magic field generator. “Machines! Doctor, you have to get rid of your anti-magic field generator!”

“Like fuck I do!” he shot back, killing two wolves rapid fire. “Just cover me for a second while I put it in storage.”

“Like what, your pocket?” Applejack asked. “How is that gonna do a lick of good?”

“Just give me a second, dammit!” Insano spat as the device causing so much trouble hovered down to the ground. Twilight let off another blast of magic before turning her head over her shoulder to the doctor, her curiosity getting the better of her. Her eyes widened as the machine disassembled itself before her very eyes, its parts fading into the aether until nothing but a wire frame was left, which too quickly vanished.

It only took a few seconds for the wolves to start dispersing and running back into the dark depths of the woods, leaving the seven ponies alone with timber wolves in conditions varying from knocked the fuck out to stone-cold dead.

As the adrenaline wore off, Twilight took a better look at the apparent doctor. His coat was as alabaster as Rarity’s, yet somehow looked even paler. His neon green mane and tail were messy and unkempt, as if he had only heard of a comb in passing at a bar one time, though they seemed to fall down naturally. His limbs were spindly and looked like they hadn’t gotten much exercise in a long while. Overall, he looked a few years older than any of the girls.

“Yeah, get going!” Rainbow Dash called after them. “Run back to your mommies before I kick your barky behinds!”

Rarity rolled her eyes and looked over to the stallion they saved. “Are you okay, dear?”

“No,” the colt pouted. “They tore up my lab coat!”

Rarity cocked an eyebrow and looked over him as if he were a different species. “Dear, I’m the first mare to lament the loss of a beloved piece of clothing, but you’re bleeding pretty badly.”

“I’m fine,” he spat. “It’s only a flesh wound.”

“A bad one,” Fluttershy spoke up, her voice sweet and reassuring. “Please, just lie down and let me try to stop the bleeding. If you don’t mind, that is.”

“I do mind, because I don’t need your goddamn help!” Insano yelled, causing the pegasus to shrink away. “What I need is to get out of this god forsaken forest. Think you can help me with that?”

“W-well… w-we could, b-but you’re so badly hurt,” Fluttershy stammered, on the verge of tears.

“Hey, buddy, don’t yell at Fluttershy like that!” Rainbow Dash said firmly, getting between her and Insano. “She’s only trying to help your ungrateful plot!”

“Fluttershy?” he repeated with a mix of confusion and amusement. “The fuck kind of name is Fluttershy?”

“It’s her name, and you better respect it before I throw you back to the timber wolves, you jerk,” Rainbow snarled.

To her surprise, the colt burst out laughing. “Oh, I would love to see you try, bitch,” he growled with a hint of glee.

“What did you just call me?!” she shouted back.

“Did I stutter?” he asked. “I called you a bitch. See also: female dog or horridly annoying creature with a vagina.”

Twilight stepped between them before Rainbow Dash could teach him twelve new kinds of pain. “No fighting; we’ve had enough of that tonight with the timber wolves,” she said firmly, glaring into Rainbow’s rose colored eyes. She turned to Insano and said, “I’m very sorry, but as a doctor you should know better than all of us how severe your wound is. If we don’t staunch the bleeding soon, you’ll faint from blood loss before dying.”

“What will it take for you to comprehend the words ‘I’m fine’? Shall I erect a sign in fucking neon?” he asked, throwing his forelegs up in frustration.

“I could bake a cake and write it in frosting!” Pinkie Pie suggested, for there was no other pony that could possibly suggest that. “The best way to communicate with other ponies is through their stomachs.”

“Actually, I could go for some cake right about now…” Insano shook his head. “No, no, no time to think about confectionaries. I need to get out of this damn forest, get to civilization, and figure out where the hell I am.”

“You don’t even know where you are?” Twilight asked, eyebrows raised.

“I didn’t exactly intend to end up in this hellhole,” he groaned. “A teleportation experiment of mine went awry and boom, here I am in the middle of nowhere.”

“So you were the cause of that explosion a few hours ago?” Rarity asked.

“However accidentally,” Insano confirmed.

The fashionista sighed in relief. “Oh, thank Celestia. That means we can all go home and I can get my beauty sleep.”

“Not until you let Fluttershy patch up your wounds,” Twilight corrected, looking into Insano’s goggles intently.

“Are you still going on about that? Let me spell it out for you, since it has yet to pierce your purple skull: I. Am. F – fuck!”

The doctor was cut off when a lasso wrapped around his hooves and dragged him to the ground.

“I thought your name was Insano, not Fuck,” Pinkie Pie said, her head tilted in confusion.

“Sorry, partner, but Ah’m not about to let ya bleed to death because of your own stubbornness,” the cowpony said, tying a knot around his ankles.

“Untie me this instant!” he demanded, squirming against his bonds. “I am the great Doctor Insano! You can’t treat me like this!”

“I think she just did,” Rainbow Dash said with a smirk.

Rarity giggled as Applejack gave a meaningful look over to Fluttershy. The yellow pegasus gulped and trotted over to the struggling colt.

“Now, just stay still, please,” she asked as she leaned in. She pulled his lab coat back to get a better look at the damage, revealing his cutie mark: a conical flask full of bubbling, green liquid.

He growled in unbridled rage for a few seconds before doing as he was bidden and ceasing his squirming. “I keep telling you I’m fine, but nobody fucking listens, of course not…”

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief and gathered her thoughts. “So, Doctor Insano, where are you from?”

“And what kind of cruel parents would name their son Insano?” Rarity added. Twilight shot her a look, but she knew it was a valid question.

“Is his name Insano or Fuck?” Pinkie Pie asked, only to keep being ignored.

The colt burst out laughing. “I’m from the middle of the fucking desert, and my parents weren’t the best around, I’ll tell you that.”

“Down south, then,” Twilight muttered.

“So, you’re some sort of science guy?” Pinkie asked, eyes wide with curiosity.

“Not just a science guy, the science guy,” he corrected. “Bill Nye’s got nothing on me.”

Twilight shared a look with the other girls, not knowing who he was referring to, though Pinkie seemed to understand perfectly.

“Ooo, what kind of science stuff do you do?” the party pony asked, bouncing up and down like her legs were pogo sticks, as she often did when excited.

“Pfeh, I do it all,” he boasted.

“That’s impossible,” Twilight cut in. “I’m a scientist myself, and nopony is capable of being an expert in literally every scientific field.”

“Impossible? I don’t know the meaning of the word,” Insano cackled.

“That’s funny; neither do I!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Well, I do, it’s just that it must mean something different than what I think it means since everypony uses it so strangely. I mean, one time I appeared in a mirror to somepony, and they said it was impossible. But it clearly wasn’t since I was able to do it, right? I’m just like, ‘You keep using that word; I don’t think it means what you think it means,’ but they just keep on using it! Does that word mean what I think it means, or has the whole world just never read a dictionary?” She brought a hoof up to her chin and began tapping it, deep in thought.

Insano stared at the party pony before turning to Twilight. “The hell kind of drugs is she on?”

“She’s Pinkie Pie; it’s better to not question it, dear,” Rarity said with a sigh.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said hesitantly.

“Look pal, we’ve already dealt with ponies that didn’t know their own limits, and it didn’t work out well for them,” Rainbow Dash said. “So why don’t you just cut the big talk and tell us what you really do?” The irony of Rainbow Dash asking somepony else to cut the big talk was not lost on the others, who just rolled their eyes, save for Pinkie Pie.

“These are not idle boasts, fool, but powerful facts,” Insano spat. “I am a master scientist. I can build a working laser pistol out of a toaster and still have it make toast! I can take the DNA of a kitten and a puppy and splice them together to make something so adorable that I’ve literally weaponized cuteness! I can build machines that can warp the very fabric of reality until two plus two equals fish and Gary Coleman is God! Well, I could, but I wouldn’t, because bringing ichthyology into mathematics would be just confusing and Gary Coleman wouldn’t make a very good God.”

“Sorry if Ah take your claims with a grain of salt, partner,” Applejack said as diplomatically as she could manage, “but all Ah’ve seen of your supposed scientific skills is them there goggles that shoot light and that anti-magic flower thing.”

“That was my death ray vision and my anti-magic field generator,” Insano corrected with irritation. “And those are only two of my inventions that I brought with me. I would show you more, but I’m a bit tied up thanks to you.”

“D… death ray?” Fluttershy stuttered as she started to shake, looking up at him. “You mean… all those timber wolves are dead?”

“Death rays tend to kill things,” Insano deadpanned. “Otherwise they would not be death rays and just be a fancy light show.”

Fluttershy looked around at the bodies littering the ground as the tears began to form. “Y-you didn’t have to kill them!” she shrieked. “You could have just scared them off!”

“I didn’t have to – they were trying to kill me, you loon!” Insano sputtered. “What, if I was in six different wolves digesting right now, would you give them the same goddamn lecture?”

“Hey, what did I tell you about yelling at Fluttershy?” Rainbow asked, taking a threatening step forward.

“And what did I say about fighting?” Twilight reminded, giving a pointed look in Rainbow’s direction. Rainbow stared back, electricity flying between the two before the pegasus backed down, murmuring to herself. Twilight sighed and said, “Fluttershy, he was acting in self-defense. He doesn’t have The Stare like you do; please calm down.”

The yellow pegasus shied away from the colt, muttering, “I’m not sure I want to help him anymore…”

“What?!” Insano roared. “What the fuck is this bullshit? You tie me up like a pig, insisting and begging that you tend to my insignificant wounds, and then you decide not to do it?! I should have you all de–” He stopped himself and bit his lip, growling in anger. “Never mind, are you going to help me or not?”

Applejack trotted over to Fluttershy and draped a foreleg around her withers. “Now sugarcube, I know this colt ain’t the nicest around.”

“I think I’ve met nicer manticores,” Rainbow Dash grumbled.

“But,” Applejack said pointedly, glaring at the cyan pegasus, “he’s badly hurt, and just because he’s a bit of a pain in the plot doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help him.”

“I know,” Fluttershy mumbled. “I know… doesn’t mean I have to like him.”

“I think we’re all getting pretty tired of him, sugarcube,” she assured with a nuzzle.

“I’m right here, you know,” Insano reminded.

Fluttershy gave him an unusually hard glare before trotting back to his side and tending to his wounds once more.

“Look, sorry if I’m inconveniencing you by existing,” he spat, “but I just want to get to the nearest city, and I know there is one nearby. Just untie me and I’ll be out of your hair.”

“City?” Rarity repeated, cocking an eyebrow. “Darling, there are no cities nearby. We live in Ponyville, a quaint little village not far from here.”

“Is it to the northwest?” he asked, looking over to the fashionista. She gave a curt nod. “That can’t be right,” he muttered to himself. “If the readings I got were that strong from just a village… dear god, how do they keep their population stable?”

“What are you talking about?” Rainbow Dash asked. “What readings?”

“From my gaydar,” he responded matter-of-factly. “I picked up huge readings to the northwest, and I was headed there to find civilization. I just assumed that such a huge concentration of gay energy was a single neighborhood in a larger city.”

Twilight’s heart skipped a beat and skipped town to hide from the embarrassment it knew was about to come. “You… have a gaydar.”

“Yes. It detects and measures gayness. With science,” he explained and yet didn’t really explain anything at all. “In fact… wait a second.” He started turning his head around the clearing and muttering under his breath, “One, two, three, four, five, six… you’re the six sources I picked up just before the wolves attacked, weren’t you?”

Six pony heads quickly did their best impressions of tomatoes as each of them blurted out something different at the same time.

“Just because I think Spitfire is awesome does not mean I’m a filly fooler!” Rainbow Dash roared, stepping in Insano’s direction.

“I admit, I do have a certain… appreciation of the female form,” Rarity said, looking away nervously.

“I’ve always gotten along better with mares than with colts… and felt more comfortable around them…” Fluttershy admitted, hiding behind her mane.

“What can I say? I went over to Berry Punch’s place, tried some of her stuff, and discovered something new about myself,” Pinkie Pie explained happily, blushing all the same.

“That one time with Golden Harvest didn’t mean nothin’! We were both teens and didn’t know any better,” Applejack insisted, stomping her hoof.

“I don’t regularly find myself staring at my friend’s and the princesses’ plots! Whatever gave you that idea?” Twilight asked with a nervous smile and shaky giggle.

Silence fell over the six as they registered what the others had just said.

“So that’s why you kept hovering around my plot when you measured me up for my Gala dress!” Rainbow Dash accused, turning to Rarity.

“Are you accusing me of being some common peeper?” Rarity gasped, pointing her hoof to herself in disbelief. “Why, I never!”

“It certainly explains why more than half of the romance novels you check out of my library are erotic ones between mares,” Twilight pointed out.

“I read them purely for the romantic aspect,” Rarity insisted, turning up her nose.

“Yeah, and the bucking scenes are just a bonus, right?” Rainbow Dash scoffed.

“Now that Ah think about it, you lingered around my tail when Ah modeled for you too, Rare,” Applejack said. “Ah thought it was kinda odd, but didn’t say nothin’ about it.”

“Oh hush,” Rarity snapped, turning her attention to the cowpony. “At least I didn’t lose my virginity to Golden Harvest of all ponies!”

“We didn’t know any better!” Applejack yelled back, her blush deepening.

“Hey, you take that back, Rarity! Golden Harvest is a very nice pony,” Pinkie Pie demanded.

“You can shush too; you weren’t exactly much better, discovering your orientation through a drunk escapade with the town vintner who’s too busy guzzling her own wares to make a profit,” Rarity spat.

“Oh yeah? And how did you discover that you were a filly fooler, miss high and mighty?” Rainbow Dash asked, flying over and shoving her face in the unicorn’s.

“That is a private matter,” Rarity said with a bright blush, crossing her forelegs over her chest. “At least I am mature enough to admit it when confronted with the truth.”

“I am not a filly fooler!” Rainbow Dash bellowed, blowing back Rarity’s mane like the branches of a tree in the wind.

“B-but, when w-we were in flight camp and I c-came out to you, you said that y-you were one too,” Fluttershy stammered, her eyes watering. “Was… was that just a l-lie to make me feel b-better?”

Rainbow Dash turned to Fluttershy, her rage gone. “Fluttershy, I would never lie to you…” she mumbled.

“Oh, you won’t lie to Fluttershy, but you’ll lie right to my face that one time when Ah caught you staring at my sweat-soaked behind last summer and asked if you were straight?” Applejack asked, narrowing her eyes.

“I keep telling you, it wasn’t like that!” Rainbow Dash snapped, the rage back in full force as she turned her attention to the cowpony.

“Okay then, darling, how else do you explain staring at your good friend’s posterior while she was in a state that could be considered by some to be attractive?” Rarity asked flatly, cocking an eyebrow.

Rainbow Dash looked around like a trapped animal for a moment before her gaze locked in on Twilight. “Why don’t you ask her? She pretty much just admitted she’s not only been scoping us out, but the princesses’ too!”

Twilight gulped as all eyes turned on her. “I-I didn’t… um, that is to say that I…” she stammered, looking at them all in turn.

“Darling, is that why you kept insisting we have more sleepovers?” Rarity asked, both her eyebrows raised.

“And why you kept offering to help me at the farm on the hottest days of the summer?” Applejack followed up.

“And why every time I get some batter or frosting on my coat when we bake together, you lick it off?” Pinkie Pie asked with a tilt of her head.

“I always appreciated your help with my animals, Twilight, but now it does seem a bit suspicious that you tend to lag behind me,” Fluttershy admitted. “Not that I mind, or anything.”

Twilight’s eyes flitted between the stares of her five friends as her body began to shake. She screwed her eyes shut and threw her forelegs up, shouting, “Okay, I’m gay! I’m a filly fooler! I’m about as straight as Discord’s spine! I think all of you and the princesses’ are incredibly attractive but I never said anything so it didn’t come between us! Happy now?!”

“I certainly am!” Insano said as he burst into hysterics. “I am bearing witness to six Technicolor lesbian horses get into a cat fight over how much they each love pussy. My life has become so gloriously mad and I love every goddamn second of it!” He continued laughing but was cut off when Applejack kicked him in the back of the head. “Ow!”

“Look, we can talk about who’s bucked who and who wants to buck who later when we’re back at home,” Applejack said as evenly as she could manage. “Right now, we need to get this colt to Nurse Redheart so she can make sure nothing major’s broken. You done, Fluttershy?”

The pegasus nodded. “I’ve done all I can for right now…”

“Alrighty then, let’s move out,” Applejack said. Twilight briefly thought about reasserting her position as leader of the group, but decided that it was not the best time. “Twilight, pick the doctor here up in your magic and carry him along.”

“What?!” Insano roared. “You’re not going to untie me?!”

“Those fancy goggles of yours can kill anything you point ‘em at,” the cowpony said as she turned to him, “and you’ve already shown us you’re not the nicest pony around. Ah don’t trust ya.”

The colt snorted. “You’re smarter than you sound.”

Applejack ignored the backhanded compliment and started trotting back to Ponyville. Twilight gave a lingering look to the tied up scientist, who was once again struggling against his bonds and cursing up a storm as the other girls followed the cowpony. Her horn began to glow and she picked him up, turning around herself and cantering to catch up with the others as she ignored the whirlwind of vulgarity she was hefting along. Next Chapter: Ooh, Nasty Estimated time remaining: 4 Hours, 5 Minutes