An endless void of white. Well, mostly white. In the very infinite plane there was a very finite but large stock of weapons that sprouted up from the nothingness like the crops of a plantation that grew firearms instead of corn. In other words, part of a redneck’s concept of heaven.

The sole occupant of the void was not a redneck, however. Noah, the Spoony One, the Goddamn Avatar, was suiting up to go on another adventure to parts unknown. If “suiting up” meant “struggling with his chainmail like a teenage girl in denial about her size trying on clothes at the mall.”

“Goddamn, how did I ever fit into this thing?” he grunted as he managed to finally pull his head through. He stretched and flattened out the tinkling chainmail shirt and trousers, brushing off nonexistent dust. The old armor fit less like a glove and more like a cast iron corset, but blacksmiths were hard to find in 21st century Earth and one could not be picky about protection when it came to god-clown hunting.

Noah pulled his much easier to handle old tabard over his head. It was a simple, white tabard with a golden ankh displayed front and center on the chest. The old thing brought back memories. Namely memories of combating the gargoyles, when the whole war with them was really all his fault anyway because he kicked the doors to the Abyss down and stole their sacred text. Memories like that certainly didn’t make him swell up with pride, that was certain.

He looked over his selection of weapons and held the crown jewel of it in his hands. It was a two-handed greatsword made of metal as black as the void of space from pommel to point. The crossguard had a gaping hole in its center where a gem used to be, and branched out into two claw-like blades, like the sword itself was a middle finger to all things good and holy in the universe. The Black Sword. What the blade lacked in any imagination in its name, it more than made up for in body count. The legions of evil once fell by the droves before Noah with it in his hands. But that was a long time ago.

Noah strapped the sword’s scabbard to his back and slid it into its proper place, fastening it tight before picking up his backup blade. It was different from the Black Sword in almost every possible way, the sun to the Black Sword’s moon. It was light, simple in design, could be held in one hand, shining silver, and didn’t require a pact with a demon to obtain, though it did require a pact with an asshole that had the audacity to ask money for it after Noah busted his ass to break the bastard out of jail. The Quicksword, Enilno. Oh, the trouble Noah went through to get the damn thing, back before he was even the Avatar. Even more trouble running it through Minax’s teleporting ass and ending her time fuckery, the cheap, cowardly bitch. Those were memories to be proud of. With a satisfied smile, he strapped the sword’s scabbard to his left hip and slid it in.

He held up his anti-magic gun and inspected it. 5.56mm pistol based off the one from Blade Runner, though with an added enchantment to, as it says on the tin, wreck the shit of anything magical. How a redneck who spoke English about as well as a fish could sew managed to make the thing continued to baffle Noah, but he learned long ago to not think too hard about Arlo’s… anything.

Last but not least, he quickly slid his golden magic ring on his finger without any rumination on it. Just being reminded of the brain-melting frustration he had to slog through to get it would likely cause spontaneous hemorrhaging.

The racks of weaponry sped away with the roar of a train, like the Matrix reference the whole place was, before he returned to the normal world. Well, as normal as a world with alternate reality robot doubles, Irish lesbian dictators with clone armies, and where a Muppet is God could be. Specifically, he was back in his basement/Insano’s lab.

Waiting for him were the only two other Channel Awesome affiliates who wanted anything to do with an adventure after the Europa incident, Angry Joe and Linkara. Somehow only the Nostalgia Critic had the power to bring people together for crazy and potentially life-threatening ventures despite being an untrustworthy douchebag. Maybe he should’ve tried the fake free car thing.

“Got everything you need?” Linkara asked from his seat as he thumbed through his pocket-sized spell book. He was wearing his travel outfit with its plaid shirt and leather vest instead of his normal heavy brown coat that made him look like a wannabe cowboy. His trademark cowboy hat that made him look like a wannabe cowboy was still on his head, though.

“Ready to kick ass and take names,” Noah answered as he picked up the old sign post that led to this personal armory. The faded lettering on rotting wood read, “Fortes fortuna adiuvat.” Why a sign post written in Latin would lead to an extra-dimensional armory, Noah had no idea. Sosaria was a weird-ass place before Lord British took over.

“Finally,” Joe groaned as he twirled his lightsaber around his fingers, show-off Sith that he was. “Almost done with those upgrades, Linksano?”

“Finished five seconds ago,” the alternate-universe Doctor Insano said as he poked his head out from behind the portal. “I couldn’t get the transporter to be exact since there’s no connecting portal built yet, but I was able to reduce the spread significantly. Before, anyone who walked through could end up anywhere on the planet.”

“So what’s the spread now?” Linkara asked as he pocketed his spell book and stood up.

“Well… an entire continent the size of Australia and Canada combined,” the scientist said with a nervous chuckle as he stepped out into the open. “That’s the best I can get it on such short notice.”

“Well, ain’t that just great,” Spoony sighed, connecting forehead to hand. “It’ll take us for fucking ever just to find each other.”

“Hey, your universe’s portal technology is complete crap; I’m basically banging two rocks together here and trying to make cold fusion,” Linksano shot back.

“It’s fine, Linksano; you did a good job,” Linkara said with a pat to the scientist’s shoulder.

“Fine, whatever,” Linksano grumbled, shrugging his employer off.

Linkara ignored him and turned to the Spoony and Joe. “Okay, since we can’t all end up in the same spot, here’s the plan: Spoony, we go through and try to find the nearest civilization and try to draw attention, start rumors, and find allies. I’ll set up a beacon that hopefully Comicron 1 or Space Guy’s ship will pick up. Joe, you use your Red Lantern ring to fly around and try to find us. After we regroup, we go after Kefka and hopefully find Insano. Linksano, if you don’t hear from us in a week, send Pollo, Snowflame, and the Ninja Style Dancer to come back us up.”

“Sounds good to me. Still, wish we had more time,” Spoony growled. “No telling what Kefka’s already wrecked on the other side by now, anyway.”

“Well, you know what they say; when life gives you lemons, go and murder a clown,” Joe said with a trigger happy grin as he stepped toward the portal.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how that saying goes,” Linksano chimed in.

“That’s how it goes now!” Joe was about to leap into the swirling door of color when Spoony held him back by the scruff of his leather jacket.

“Hold it, we need to check our equipment one last time before we go,” Noah said firmly. “I cannot tell you how much shit can go wrong on a quest if you forget even a single thing.”

Linkara let out an unconvincing cough that sounded a lot like “serpent ring.”

Joe let out a growling sigh and stood back up. “Fine. I’ve got my supplies, I’ve got my lightsaber, I’ve got my AS-KR1, I’ve got my ring. Am I missing anything, mom?”

“Certainly not missing your attitude,” Noah deadpanned. “You, Linkara?”

Linkara, also in the spirit of showing off, twirled out his magic flintlock pistol and his dragon dagger. “I have my weapons, I have my morpher, and I have my provisions. I’m good to go.”

“Alright, that’s everything,” Noah said with a shaky sigh. “Let’s hope Cthulhu or some shit isn’t waiting for us on the other side.”

“Why? Haven’t you always wanted to take out an Elder God?” Joe asked. “Anyone? Just me?”

“I did once; it wasn’t fun,” Linkara groaned.

“Yeah, good luck not dying and all that,” Linksano said, his disinterest plain. “Nimue, beam me back up.” With a glow of light and a few sparkles, the scientist was gone.

Noah turned his attention to the portal. Beyond the swirling lights and colors could lie anything in the fathomable universe. The fact that they already knew that a mad scientist bent on world domination and an equally mad mage clown bent on universal annihilation were already on the other side didn’t exactly set a high bar.

“You sure you want to do this, Spoony?” Linkara asked, walking to his friends side.

“I’m sure,” he nodded. “Whoever or whatever is native to that planet needs our help. Insano is a fucking dumbass who couldn’t conquer Rhode Island, but Kefka is another story. An entire planet, possibly the entire universe, is in danger, and it’s our responsibility to do what we can.”

“Well said, Spoon; well said,” Joe said solemnly, patting Noah on the shoulder. The reverence and weight of their mission lasted for all of one second before Joe shouted, “Last one in buys the others’ review material for a month!” and leaped into the portal with manic gusto.

The two remaining heroes exchanged a glance and rolled their eyes with matching smiles. “I’ll go next,” Linkara volunteered, stepping forward. He looked over his shoulder and gave Spoony an assuring nod. “See you on the other side.” He walked through and vanished, leaving the Spoony One alone.

“Noah?”

Almost alone, apparently.

“Yeah, Miles?” he asked, looking up the stairs where his brother was standing.

Miles opened his mouth to speak a few times, but words were not forthcoming. With a sigh and a wave of his hand, he just said, “Just get going. You better come back in one piece, or I’ll arrest you on trumped charges for worrying me half to death.”

“Sure thing,” Noah said with a chuckle. The two brothers shared stares and a few moments of silence before the Avatar turned away. “See you,” was all he managed to say before he marched forward into the unknown.

The second his brother vanished, Miles heard a knock at the door followed by Oreo barking her head off. “Coming!” he shouted as he jogged up the stairs and down the hall, wondering who it was. Oreo was there waiting, growling at the shadow through the glass. “Calm down, girl.”

When Miles opened the door, he only had a few seconds to take in the stranger’s features. White skin, long silvery hair, black leather overcoat… a single black, feathery wing growing out of his back…

“What in the hell are–”

A sharp crack to the head with the hilt of the man’s katana cut him off and knocked him out.

Spoony groaned as he blearily opened his eyes. His head was pounding like a truck was repeatedly running over it and everything smelled like his cooking. Not the best start to an adventure, but he’d been through worse. At least the universe hadn’t taken all his shit away from him.

His eyes snapped open and he felt himself to make sure he hadn’t jinxed himself. To his great relief, he hadn’t; he still had his chainmail, and he still had his weapons. That’s when it hit him that everything felt… off. The complete lack of fingers was a big indicator. He looked down to see a pair of hooves covered in black fur instead of the fingers that had so gallantly suffered through the most horrible of games with him all those years.

He let out a small yelp and flopped backwards when he noticed voices coming closer from all directions. Since he was fairly certain that he took his crazy pills before he left, he took stock of his surroundings. He was in the middle of a crater, and all he could see when he looked up was clear sky. Seeing as that told him jack shit, he peered up over the edge and looked around. The earth was dry and cracked, with cacti dotting the landscape of what looked to be an Old Western town. Spoony briefly contemplated that Insano, moronic genius that he was, created a portal back in time, but bang went that theory when he saw all the technicolor horse things with obscenely huge eyes peering out of the windows at the smoking crater he had arrived in. They all slowly filed out of their hiding places, murmuring amongst each other as they walked closer. A yellow one galloped ahead of the others, wearing a leather vest and a cowboy hat.

Spoony just stared blankly as the forerunner road up to him and looked down, a concerned frown on the thing’s face. “You okay, partner?” it asked in a distinctly male voice. Scratch that, distinctly male and distinctly gay. “What’s a pony like you doin’ in these parts?”

Spoony didn’t answer, but just looked around at the horde of colorful anime creatures swarmed his hole.

His greeter tilted his head and looked around behind Spoony’s neck. “Well I’ll be, you’ve got wings, too! I didn’t know there was a fourth alicorn!” The muttering among the crowd got more excited and confused. “You must be royalty, right? Well, your Highness,” he started, rearing on his hind legs, “welcome to Aaaappleoosa!”

Getting back on all fours, the thing looked at him with wide, eager, and friendly green eyes and a sparkling smile.

Noah screamed. Next Chapter: Transformation Central, Part the First Estimated time remaining: 33 Minutes