Hello, dear readers. Allow me to introduce myself as the hostage narrator trapped against his will reading this shitty ass story to you all. My voice is unimportant. If you want you can think I'm Morgan Freeman, or maybe Nicholas Cage. Anyway, I can't get out of this room until I'm done reading this story, so shut up and listen.

We begin our tale in Hell of all places. Yes, that fiery shit hole of brimstone and the billions of screams of the damned is where our story starts, so you can expect the rest of this fic to definitely have better taste. Anyways, in the dead center of this pit of damnation lies the throne of the Angel of Light, Satan.

While a never ending inferno danced about him with souls being perpetually tortured by grinning demons, the King of Evil wasn't having the best of times. Shrouded in shadows with just his blazing red eyes to distinguish himself, Satan only pouted and drummed his smoke-like claws, bored out of his immortal mind. His servant and what could be considered his only friend, Beelzebub, tried to comfort his master.

"Dear lord, is something troubling you? Are not the tortures for the sinners to your liking? Are the wicked demons not being wicked enough? Is your thirst for blood not quenched?" the high demon asked, fearful at what his master's darker than usual mood implied. Whenever Satan gets grumpy, it can only mean catastrophic results on world destroying levels. Or another celebrity breakup. It seems the second one usually causes more disaster than any earthquake can do.

"Sometimes I just get tired of it all. The maiming, the whipping, the dunking in boiling hot lava, and even the forced listening of Rebecca Black have all lost their usual torturous luster. Not even the sweet music of the damned screams can please my ears," he said, his voice muffled by the shadows, but still holding enough authority in them to shatter a mountain and cause entire armies to war with each other.

"Is there something I can do to help, oh malevolent lord?" Beelzebub nervously requested, his scaly green skin leaking slime profusely and his insect like eyes shifting in all directions. He could be considered a normal human except for those traits, and also the fact his mouth was filled with some of the vilest examples of teeth that would make a dentist have a heart attack. But his snazzy purple suit made up for it.

"What you can do is SHUT UP!" Satan roared, his henchman and just about every inhabitant in Hell quivering with terror. Sighing melodramatically, the adversary of God continued to sulk. "If only there was a way to be free from the chains this hole has over me."

"Why don't you go to Earth? Maybe stirring up trouble for the mortals can liven you up?" Beelzebub suggested, hiding behind his master's throne to avoid the incineration that Satan enjoyed inflicting on his subjects.

"What's the point of being on the mortal plane when I can never rule it? Never control that pathetic hunk of rock like the true God that I am? The only trouble I can do is trick some idiot into selling his soul for a candy bar. Truthfully, that was fun the first dozen or so times, but now it's just sad."

"You still fucking suck for doing that to me!" yelled a soul being dipped into hot lava. Satan flicked his wrist and the lava consumed the pissed off soul.

Satan rested his forehead on his hand and glared with unquenchable hate at his kingdom. "Look at this pitiful God who can't even fully leave his own realm. Forced to persecute the evil, but never able to truly control what is rightfully his. The world, the universe, life itself belongs to me. And yet I can not acquire what is naturally my birthright because of Him."

"M-master, isn't there a way to leave this place forever?" Beelzebub yelled from across the room, which he moved as a buffer zone just in case.

"Don't you think I would've have left this cursed prison if I had an option? What do you take me for, a fool?" Satan demanded, appearing before his lackey with the flames of eternal suffering lighting his eyes. If Beelzebub had a mortal body he'd probably be shitting himself right now.

Grabbing his bumbling assistant's fat neck, he began his favorite pastime, which was wringing Beelzebub until his insect like eyes popped out of his head. "Eons of searching through the greatest annals of knowledge throughout the entire universe and I still haven't discovered a key to my freedom! What suggestion do have for that, you miserable little bug?"

"Gah-ah *hack* i-in *cough* ter-" Satan momentarily ceased the crushing of his henchman's throat and allowed him to gulp like a fish on the ground.

"What was that, whelp?" Satan kicked his assistant in the stomach to force him to answer quicker.

"*Cough* w-we can u-use the *gasp*... internet!" Unfortunately for poor Beelzebub, his torture wasn't over. Pretty fitting since he's in the state capital for capital punishment.

"Internet? Do I look like some teenage girl who hasn't nothing better to do than 'tweet' and 'like' and watch hours upon hours of porn?"

"N-no, master! We can merely use it to search for a clue to freeing you from Hell! Please don't send me into the sodomy pits again!" The pitiful look on Beelzebub's face can only be described as a strange mix between a kicked puppy and a horribly disfigured alien whose mother never loved him.

While the thought of another trip to the sodomy pits for his insufferable flunky put a pleasant smile on Satan's unseeable face, a shot at obtaining sweet, sweet freedom was too great. "Okay you fat bug, we'll use the internet," he spat, like he was describing the practice of some new form of dark magic. "But if this doesn't work, then you can expect some downtime in both the sodomy pits and the salt pile for a couple of centuries."

Gulping a hue wad of dread at the impeding asswhooping (literally) he'd be receiving in the not so far future, Beelzebub summoned the simple dell laptop that he used time to time. Clicking on Internet Explorer, the Google search engine appeared with a certain eagerness to do what it was made for: searching for pornography. Sadly for it, that would not be its function at the moment. In twenty minutes or so it probably will be.

Typing in the words "Key to getting out of Hell?", the search engine racked through its links across spacetime, dimensions, and local Starbucks. Once the numerous links appeared, Beelzebub scrolled down under the scrupulous gaze of his master.

"Let's see here, accept Jesus into your heart... won't really help since you don't have one; do good deeds... ain't gonna happen anytime soon; Scientology... what is that?"

"You blasted cockroach, get on with it! You know what I do to those that waste my time."

"Aha! Here it is!" Beelzebub shouted, moving out of the way so his master may inspect the screen. "It says right here that a soul can get out of Hell using the powers of harmony and good!"

Smacking his head with a backhanded hit that sent Beelzebub flying, Satan approached the laptop to see if this claim was true. "Hmm, it says right here on this thing called Wikipedia that is indeed the case. Plus, it's an encyclopedia, so its contents must be true! But there's still one problem, however."

Satan picked the disorientated demon up with a massive clawed hand and peered deep into his eyes until Beelzebub's very soul felt like it was set aflame. "I have no access to any 'harmony' or 'good.' How do you plan to for me to acquire these when I have none in this damn hole?"

Once again Beelzebub did what he was best at, which is cower like a little girl when threatened. But in the recesses of his mind sprouted an idea, which could free him from impeding doom by behind. "Wait, master, there's another way! We can get harmony in Hell to free you!"

Satan reached down and clutched his lackey with enough force to make his already bulged eyeballs stick out like... well, like eyes on a fly, actually. "You impudent moron! Harmony is a state of being, not something you can order by phone or FedEx!"

"T-th-there i-is a way f-for you t-to..." Realizing he wasn't breathing anymore, Satan let up on the crushing for his henchman to allow him to spit out the end of his sentence, "to acquire harmony, with the elements..."

"Elements? What the heaven are you talking about?" Satan demanded.

"The Elements of Harmony," Beelzebub finished, gasping huge lungs full of brimstone infused air.

"What are these Elements? I demand you answer me!" Satan yelled, dropping his lackey graciously on the ground where he laid until Satan gave him a good kick to the groin. Holding his now smashed genitals, which would painfully heal in a few minutes, Beelzebub limps back the the laptop and typed in a couple of words. Hobbling a good distance away, the screen was open to Satan to see.

"Elements of Harmony, six supernatural artifacts which are some of the most powerful forces in the universe," Satan muttered to himself, intrigued. "Each artifact represents an element of friendship and can presumably only work if wielded by one who possesses the corresponding trait, and only if all are used together. Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda... ah, here we go! They are to be wielded on rare occasions, particularly in events of pandemonium and anarchy as a last resort to restore and enforce the balance of peace and order. The effects of their power usually involve... banishment or imprisonment."

A wicked grin of smoldering flames played on Satan's shadowed face, while his eyes burned with an unquenchable hunger. "Beelzebub, where are these Elements located?"

Beelzebub, shocked that his master used his own name instead of an insult, said, "Equestria, sir. Land of the ponies."

Dark magic began flowing like a serpent down his arm until it pooled in a sinister circle by his feet. An image started to appear above the circle, until it formed a crystal clear picture of a blue planet out in the vacuum of space. An immensely tiny sun could be seen orbiting the planet is a strangely unnatural loop, along with a much smaller moon. Bringing his claw into a fist, the image began to zoom, getting closer and closer to the planet's bright green surface. Rivers could be seen, then mountains, deserts, the beginning of small towns, until it went right past the cloud cover and stopped before a large mountain. Atop the majestic mountain laid a city of elegant beauty, a great contrast from Hell's demonic gothic architecture.

The image began to move closer and closer to a magnificent palace with towers that reached the tips of the sky. Inside one of the highest towers was a beautifully adorned vault, and from this vault waves of power could be felt. The immense energy springing forth from the vault sent shivers of pleasure down Satan, who was amazed he could still feel its affects from a couple of dimensions of distance. From the vault materialized a faint outline of six objects resting in a chest. The source of the power, and the source to Satan's freedom.

The picture disintegrated and Satan returned his attention to his servant. "Beelzebub, how did you know of these Elements of Harmony?"

"The internet, my lord. On it was birthed an entire community of grown men obsessed with this one show for six year old girls. Curious, I ventured further into their claims of how awesome the show, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, was, and I discovered the Elements from there." He of course wasn't going to mention how he instantly fell in love with the show and grew to enjoy watching his daily dose of ponies whenever he didn't have to torture souls.

"So this world from a television show is real? Interesting... Do you really think I can be freed from this insufferable place with their power?" Satan asked, rubbing his nonexistent chin with a claw.

"Of course, master. They have the power to trap a God in stone. Freeing you from this dimension would be a cinch."

"Yes, yes, this is good. Beelzebub, get my army ready. I want every demon in under my power on Equestria as soon as possible. From the lowest imp to the highest arch demon, I want that planet torn to the ground for those Elements."

Satan departed from his throne, all too happy to brood around now. His freedom was nearly in hand, and all he had to do is take over one world with the vast army of evil souls and demons he has acquired over the eons. An all too easy task on its own.

Beelzebub was just glad to not to get a trip to the sodomy pits again. Snapping his fingers, a bright red button rose out of the smoldering hot earth. Lifting the glass case covering it, he pounded the button, the words "Release the Horde" flashing on and off on it.

In three other dimensions the first creatures to be dispatched were definitely not what Satan had in mind as his demon army. Although they technically counted, they were exactly what he had in mind of what a demon should be. A boy, a ghost, and a spawn. Next Chapter: Chapter 2: Red Is In Estimated time remaining: 25 Minutes