It didn't take long at all for Zeta to get in contact with the 'Wild Hogs' mercenary group. We set up a meeting just outside Fillydelphia to discuss the job. I already sent the details to Fancypants, who agreed to meet us there. It would happen in two days, so I asked Rarity to put my clothes on rush order. So, of course, she had already finished them by the time I came to ask her. Making a single shirt and pants from a model and measurements isn't really that difficult, especially for a skilled seamstress, and since she didn't have to come up with anything spectacular or fancy, it took less than an hour. I didn't care if it was machine stitched, and it didn't need any frills or whatnot.

"And here you are. It's a double layer cloth. I made the first layer a 'T-shirt' like the one you're wearing and put pockets all along the outside. I filled them with some cut gems I had laying around as treats for Spike, though I'm certain he'll forgive me for using them. Then I sewed on the second layer, giving it longer sleeves, down to your wrists. The inner layer is made of silk, for comfort, while the outer layer is cotton for warmth and durability. It is rather bulky in some spots, given the gems I packed into it. Try it on."

I put them on and found that it fit alright, though not perfectly. The gems did press against certain spots, namely the shoulders and forearms, bringing a slight discomfort if I bent them a certain way, but for the most part, it was fine. They didn't clink or flop around, instead staying where they were put, which meant I wouldn't have to worry about losing them or get bruises from them whacking against my skin or something like that. The long sleeves also had button cuffs, so I could do them up around the wrists of my gloves.

The pants were a simple pair of black jeans, no pockets, but gem pouches running all down the outsides of the legs. I was already wearing my special shoes, but I put on my gloves as well, and hooked my scale knife through my belt loop, wrapping it in some scraps of cloth to keep it secured at my left side.

I quickly did some stretches and took some various combat stances, running through the motions to see how well it worked. I was happy to find that it didn't restrict my mobility at all.

"Thanks Rarity. I'll pay you back when I get the chance."

"Oh darling, don't you dare do such a thing. You've already done quite enough with making every morning perfect, I think it's safe to say that now we're even. If you still won't accept that, then you'll just have to make me breakfast again when you get back as payment." She smiled at me warmly.

"Deal. I guess I better get going. I don't really know when I'll see you again, so, uh... take care I guess."

"Well, I should be saying the same to you, but I know you well enough to know that you will." Rarity sighed. "Make sure you come back."

I waved goodbye to her and Sweetie Belle, then stopped off at each of the mane six's houses to bid them farewell. There were no teary goodbyes, no last minute confessions. I haven't a doubt in my mind that they were all certain I'd be coming back. So, just like that, when Fancypant's carriage arrives, Zeta and I hopped in, and headed to Fillydelphia. Neither of them seemed too surprised to see me walking around as a human. If they were curious, they didn't say anything. We made good time, and arrived in the city early. Zeta's part in the plan was simply to introduce us, where as Fancy Pants had a different role, which I explained to him in the hotel room where we were staying.

"So, listen Fancypants. I have no idea who these guys are, so I'm gonna have to trust Zeta on this, but we need to have a plan. When we meet them, you're going to play the role of my financial advisor. I'm going to have to convince them to take the job, despite it's... confusing goal."

"I don't understand. What's so confusing about the goal? You're hiring them to rescue your family, correct?"

"I'm afraid it isn't that simple. I'm not hiring them to rescue Gilda. I'm hiring them to rescue me."

"Hmm... I think I know what you're planning, though some details are a bit hazy to me. Would you mind clarifying?"

"It's going to go like this. I'm going to go to Ancientwell alone. I'm going to let them capture me. I've already got a plan in motion to make sure they capture me, and not kill me instead. Then, once inside, I'll escape and make some chaos. This force is meant to spread the enemy too thin, which will grant me the freedom to move around unhindered and tear them apart from the inside." Actually, my escape is during their attack, and is made possible because of it. I'm not exactly certain how well Fancypants morals would deal with the fact that I'm throwing their lives away to buy myself some time, so I'll just not tell him.

"Aha, so, it's a pincer maneuver then. Clever. The reason they're rescuing you is because by the time they get to you, the battle will have been won. Or, if you can get to them, you will have escaped, which means you will have brought your family with you, and they can cover your exit. It leaves both the fight and flight options available, so you can go with whichever is most likely to succeed at the time. If they were to rescue your family, or a specific family member, there's a risk that some get left behind. If they're after you, and you won't leave till everyone is safe, then it means that only with a complete victory will their job be considered complete."

"Good, so you understand the plan then."

"Yes, you intend to throw their lives away to save your own." At that moment, my heart started a boxing match with my stomach, both of them threatening to leap out of my body and continue their fight on the table.

"Wha... what?"

"Oh come now my boy. I know I look young but the fact is I've been around a lot longer than most care to believe. You intend to use them as a diversion so you can get out the 'back door' with your crew while the mercenaries get torn apart at the front gate. I don't appreciate being lied to, though I do understand your need for secrecy, and the reason you're doing it."

I shook my head. It was clever, but what he stated wasn't my plan. It doesn't matter anyways. "Well, so long as we're clear. Let's just get some shuteye."

Morning came on the day we were meant to meet the Wild Hogs. I quickly changed back to being a griffin and went with Fanypants and Zeta to the location we agreed upon. Waiting for us was the mercenary band, and their pet hydra. A group of around 250-300, dirty, smelly, disgusting...

"Pigs. The 'Wild Hogs' are pigs."

"Boars, actually. They're the 'meanest, toughest band of mercs to ride out of Black Marsh', or so they claim. Best keep your thoughts to yourself when talking to them." Zeta explained. Upon closer examination, they weren't wearing any form of standard uniform. Most of them were wearing bits and pieces of different sets of armor. A steel, full-faced helmet, (with the snout and tusks sticking out, since it wasn't designed with their species in mind) and leather body armor. A dented pauldron, a pair of mismatched combat boots, one of them even wore a cast iron cooking pot on his head, held on by some rope that dug into his skin, as could be seen by the red mark on his chin. And all of it was covered in a thick layer of swamp muck. At least that explains the smell. Either these guys made their armor out of stuff they raided from the trash bin, or they've seen a LOT of action.

The cavalry units, if you could call them that, in a bizzare irony, rode pigs, the unintelligent kind. Boars riding pigs. Albeit very large pigs, each of which could easily win the town fair three times over, but still. I found it very hard not to think about making pork chops. Instead, I focused on the task at hand.

"Hello. I take it you're the wild hogs?"

An incredibly large and grotesquely fat boar wearing what looked to be three sets of leather armor, all worn on top of one another, rode forward on an equally large sow. He towered over me, and on looking at me, began to speak.

"Higgin terrgin burgen, hinga dinga ringa *squeal* Hermanermanturp *snort* himbu *burp, erp, scurrze mer, himaburbenterman."

"Um..." He talked like Boomhower from King of the Hill, mixed with old, and very drunk. A younger, somewhat cleaner pig strode forward, wearing a pair of frayed overalls.

"Name's Billy Bob. Sorry bout pops. Most folks can't uh, compreyhaaand his axe-ant. He said, 'How ya doin? You'z King Griffin? I herd ya gotta job for us." 'Pops' looked a little ashamed that he had to have someone be an interpreter.

"Yes, I do." I pulled out a map, showing the location of 'Ancientwell' on it.

"In 16 days, exactly, I want you to attack this diamond dog warren. I want you to crack it open, and rescue me from it."

"Uh, that don't exactly make sense hoss, on accounta ya not exactly bein captured an all." Billy-Bob pondered. I let out a sigh.

"By the time you attack, I will have been in captivity for about a week and a half. So, I'll need you to come and get me out." I explained.

"Well, ah don't mean ta sound critical, but if ya know's you'z gonna be caught, why don't'cha just avoid gettin caught?" Trying to convince them was starting to get frustrating.

"Okay, let me try and explain this. They have my family, which is a whole bunch of people. They're using them to try and get me. Now, is it easier to rescue one person, or a whole bunch?"

"Urn." Pops replied.

"They want to get me. If they have me, they don't need my family anymore. So, I give myself up, in return for their release, and then you guys come in and get me out. They won't kill me right away because they want to make a show of it, which means you'll have lots of time to get me. I'm basically putting my life in your hands here, so no matter what, you HAVE to get in and get me."

"Rr gurr irt."

"Pops says he understands. Now, for the matter of payment." Billy Bob continued.

"For that, I'll refer you to my accountant, Mr. Fancypants. He is handling my funds at the moment. I'm prepared to offer you a million bits up front, and another 8 million once I'm back, safe and sound." At my mentioning those figures, the entire group of swines started squealing and snorting in excitement.

"Hooo weeee! That's enough ta get my uncle-brother outta jail fer public copulation, an it wouldn even use a... Billy Bob, ur good with math, how many times a hunderd go inta nine million?" One of them exclaimed.

His uncle-brother. That means he either slept with his daughter, or his brother slept with his aunt. And public copulation? I turned to Zeta with a look on my face that could only be interpreted as 'Are you fucking serious?' He looked at me and nodded sadly, while face-pawing. I now understand very much why he chose this particular mercenary band to go get themselves slaughtered, and to be honest, I can't argue with his choice. What can I say, I don't exactly have the best morals in the world. As far as I'm concerned, the ones who realize it's a death trap and decide to bail,instead of being overwhelmed by greed and pressing on, will live instead of winning the 'Darwin Award'. Besides, if they're as skilled as they say, then they'll succeed, and there isn't any problem.

I turned to look at Fancypants, who nodded back to me, before looking to 'Pops'.

"Well? Do we have a deal?" Though I could barely be heard over all the hooting and hollering, Pops the boss hog nodded.

"One more thing. It might be summer up there, but it's still way up north. It'll be pretty chilly. Dress warmly."

"Aww, sorry Wilma." One of the swines said to the massive friggin hydra that had just been sitting there the whole time. "Ya know what tha cold will do to ya. You'll hafta stay at the hideout. Just make sure ta guard the loot akay?" The hydra whimpered, then gave him a big sloppy lick with all four tongues, before nodding to say it understood.

So, Fancypants brought the bits out from the city for the down payment, which is the only payment they'll actually be getting, and the hogs headed to a safe spot to stash their cash and plan their attack, while I set my sights on a much grimmer task.

"Well, Zeta, Fancypants, thanks, but it's time for me to go. I already packed up supplies and rations to last me the couple of days it'll take me to get there after I get off the train. If all goes well I'll be back in about a month. Take care." They said their goodbyes as well, while I hopped on the next train headed north.

"Don't worry, I'm coming for you."

Author's Notes:

No offense was intended to any people who are rednecks, inbred, or sleep with barnyard animals. Okay, yeah, some offense to the last one, but what do you expect?

Also, in case their was any misunderstanding, or people don't know about Darwin, the phrase 'Winning the Darwin Award' is a slang that means doing something stupid and getting yourself killed, which in turn rids the world of the genetics that caused your stupidity, causing people to naturally evolve into more intelligent beings. Darwin theorized that 'the strong/intelligent/(other positive trait) survive, while the weak/stupid/(other negative trait) perish. Killing yourself in stupidity proves Darwin right, which is why it's called winning the Darwin award.

That doesn't take into account, however, the influence of drugs and alcohol, the abuse of which causes a dramatic increase in the population of idiots. Don't do drugs. Drugs are bad, mmmkay?