Dear Journal,

Well I had something of a little adventure today. My first hike with Derpy was interesting to say the least. I asked her to go with me last Sunday. I’ll admit I could have been a bit more… tactful in my asking.

“So… *huff*… would you wanna… *huff*… go for a hike?” I inquired.

“A… *huff* … hike?” Derpy asked, panting.

“Yeah… *pant*… I’ve been… *huff*… hiking lately, and I… *ngh*… I was wondering if… *pant*… maybe you’d want to… *huff*… join me.” I proposed as I slammed myself into her. Derpy had come by for her weekly visit, and I had finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

“Sure… *huff*… sounds like fuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!” She shook with orgasm for the twentieth time in as many minutes, and collapsed onto the bed in a heap, rear end twitching in pleasure.

“Yeah?” I was excited, grinning like foal.

“Yeah…*huff*… sure.” She tiredly rolled onto her back. “Hey Guilty… *huff*… go turn on the shower… *huff*… I’ll join you once… *huff*… once I can walk again, hehehe.”

“Of course.” Once I was out of the bedroom I couldn’t help but dance a little victory jig.

‘She said yes! She wants to go hiking with me! This is going to be so much fun!’ I can’t remember the last time I’d been so… giddy. I was just so excited. After several seconds I remembered I was supposed to be running a shower, and hurried upstairs, most likely blushing.

Once the water was flowing and the bathroom was steamy, Derpy made her way inside. “Geez, Guilty, what had you so enthusiastic today?” Asked a Derpy blurred through the glass of the shower door.

“How do you mean?” The shower door slid open, and an in-focus Derpy stepped into the warm shower.

“I mean you don’t usually have so much… I dunno… energy. You were working so hard the whole time.” She shook her head and sat down under her nozzle’s spray. She always does that. She never really showers when she’s over; she just sort of sits under the showerhead and closes her eyes. It’s like she meditating.

For whatever reason I decided I’d try that out. I’d already really scrubbed myself off after all, no harm in enjoying the spray. Honestly, it felt nice. The water was warm and the weather was cold. It was relaxing, just letting the water heat my tired body.

“I dunno, Derpy. Maybe it’s all the hiking I’ve been doing. It’s really good cardio.”

‘Or maybe I just got a little too excited at the prospect of having a friend to go hiking with.’

“Yeah, apparently. Hehehe. That was a great big one at the end there. I thought my hips were gonna fall off.”

I laughed. “So far, I’ve yet to actually fuck a mare in half, so you should be safe.”

“HAHA! You’re so funny, Guilty.”

We enjoyed our shower for several minutes after that, in our normal quiet peace. There was something calming about sitting in the shower in quiet contemplation. My mind wandered for a while… to good places… to bad places... all over. I thought about home. When I say home, I mean Manehattan not… not home home. I thought about Crook, and the time he kicked a cop in the balls. I thought about the day I learned I was no good in a fight… the hard way. I thought about the day Crook told me he’d found a way for us to make some money… the day we went to the stable together.

Honestly I almost fell asleep, which would’ve been embarrassing. The sound of Derpy opening the shower door snapped me out of my sleepy trance. We stepped out and dried off and whatnot. It wasn’t until we were downstairs that I remembered something important.

‘Muffins! How could I forget?!’

I quickly put a kettle on the stove. What was a muffin without tea?

We sat at the table and… as ever… I asked her the usual question. “So… any luck?”

She stared deeply into the table, a sour expression on her face. She just shook her head.

‘That’s not normal. She’s not usually so upset. She usually gives me a casual ‘meh’ and regales me with her latest attempt at romance. Something’s wrong. Something happened. Did someone hurt her?’

“Is something wrong?” I tried and failed to sound nonchalant. “Did something happen?”

“Nothing happened, Guilty.” She wasn’t lying, but… but something had her upset.

“Then what has you so gloomy?” I was honestly asking myself more than her.

She sighed deeply. “Well, that’s just it, Guilty. Nothing happened. I’m… I dunno… I just don’t feel like putting myself out there all that much anymore.”

Derpy? Giving up? I didn’t know what to say. “No way,” was all I could manage.

“It’s just… after 3 years of being single I’m… *sigh*... I’m tired of it Guilty.” She sank onto the table, lying face down on the cool surface. “I’m tired of putting myself through rejection after rejection after rejection. AND I’m tired of putting Dinky through that too.”

“Dinky?” I was confused. How did Derpy’s love life affecting her daughter?

It took a moment for me to get a response. “She told me the other day… about that fight she got into.”

“Yeah?” I was looking for a connection, but I wasn’t seeing it.

“So this kid… I thought he was making fun of her or something, you know? Well it turns out he wasn’t. He was… he was making fun of me, Guilty.”

“Of you?” Still lost.

“Well apparently…” She cleared her throat. “One of the stallions I asked out was… was this kid’s dad.”

“Ooooooh…” There it was.

“Yeah… I… I don’t even know who to be honest. I didn’t think anypony I asked out had kids.” She buried her face in her hooves. “I feel so bad, Guilty. Dinky was just trying to stick up for her mom. It’s all my fault she got into that fight.”

“Oh that’s bullshit.” I didn’t even realize I’d said it out loud.

“Wh-wha?” Derpy was flabbergasted, and rightfully so. I usually try to be delicate with this sort of thing. But that? That was something Close would say.

“Well I mean…”

‘Okay, Guilty, rein it in. Your Manehattan is showing.’

“Ok sure… if you hadn’t asked out that guy then Dinky may not have gotten into a fight. But I mean… That same is true of that guy telling his kid… or that kid teasing Dinky… or even dinky clocking him with a lunch pail. All you did was ask a guy out. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Derpy wasn’t so sure. “I… I dunno, Guilty, I just… I feel like a failure.”

Her self-pity was actually starting to make me a little mad. I don’t like people talking smack about people I like… even if it’s them. “Oh, come on… why? Cause you can’t get a date?”

“Cause I can’t find a daddy for my little girl.” She looked me dead in the eye. She wasn’t sobbing or tearing up. More than anything she was… frustrated. “A girl needs dad, Guilty. Right now all she’s got is… one unfit mother.”

I got a little… heated, to say the least. “Oh, please. Quit feelin’ sorry for yourself. You’re a fantastic parent.”

“I dunno, Guilty.” She groaned. “I just feel like between my job, and errands and everything, I never have time to be there for her.”

“Oh please you’re-!” I stopped myself, took a deep breath, and continued. No sense in starting a fight over this. “Look… Derpy. I’m not saying your situation is ideal. And I’m not saying that Dinky doesn’t deserve two loving parents like any kid. I’m just saying, you’re far from being an unfit parent. And so what if you can’t find a stallion. All she needs is one good parent for her to turn out halfway decent.”

“You say that but… but she’s the only kid I know at school who only has one parent. I don’t want her to get picked on for it.”

I could only scoff. “I think she’s already proven she can kick the flank of anypony who looks at her sideways.”

That made Derpy giggle. “Hehehe. That’s true.” She let out a long sigh. “I guess it’s just… I feel like so much of the time I don’t know what I’m doing.” It was at that point that the kettle started to whistle.

“Hang on… lemme just…*sigh*… we’ll finish after muffins.”

And what muffins they were. Corn muffins. Golden sunshine given solid form. Still warm and soft, crunchy exterior. Little kernels of corn adding bursts of flavor in each bite. Perfect with a nice green tea. And with butter. My Heavens! The butter soaked into the spongy muffins making each bite a luscious delicacy. Surely they are meant only for the elitist of nobles. NAY! Only for royalty!

I’m sorry I got a bit carried away there.

And I have an erection, apparently.

Anyways… uh… yeah… after muffins we kept talking.

“Ok so… where were we?” I asked, brushing tasty morsels from my lips.

“I was a… just saying that I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing.”

“Right right. Well look, honestly I can’t help you there. I don’t know a damn thing about raising kids. But I know enough about bad parents to be able to spot one.” I took one last sip from my teacup, emptying it. “You, Derpy, are not a bad parent. You care about your kid. You make time for her.”

“Meh, what do you know?” She smiled at me. She was back to her old self.

It was then that an idea popped into my head. It was a foolish idea, one of those ideas that I’m chalking up to whatever weird funk has been running through my head lately. It was one of those, ‘I’m gonna tell a client waaaay too much about my personal life’ ideas.

“You wanna know what I know?” I asked her.

“Huh?”

“About bad parents… you wanna know what I know?” It wasn’t because I thought it would help give her some perspective or… whatever. I just… I wanted to tell her. Not cause I wanted pity, mind you. I hate throwing a pity party. I just... I just wanted her to know. Like I said, I’m blaming it on whatever weird mood I’ve been having lately.

Derpy was just confused. “Uh… I guess so.” She just shrugged. I don’t think she really knew where I was going with this. Honestly, neither did I.

“Well… I’m not sure how much you’ve gathered, but I was raised by a single parent. I... I never knew my mother. I don’t know if she passed or… skipped town… I dunno. My father owned a bakery. He, uh… he was a pretty heavy drinker. He’d come home late… drunk… angry about something or another. When he was like that I… I knew to stay out of his way. Anything would set him off… hell sometimes even nothing at all. He… he, uh… well there’s… there’s no nice way to put it. He used to hit me.”

Derpy’s face was hard to read. Not the shock or horror I was expecting. No tears or sadness of any kind. She was… serene, like she is in the shower minus a smile. She was listening, though, that much was certain. I think… I think she knew that I just needed to talk. I think she understood that. Maybe. I dunno. I was a little too distracted to … read her. I reached up into my mane and pulled it to one side. I bent my head low, so Derpy could see.

My scar. I mean I’ve got a few, and not all from my father; but that’s the big one. The one up behind my ear. “You see that there?”

“Mmhmm” No change in expression.

“Ok so… one night, my father comes home. Drunk, as usual. It was late… waaay past midnight, Probably around three. I was lying in bed, and I… I just heard him shout. He called me to the kitchen. He was… he was so loud. Needless to say I already knew what I had in store. So I pulled my gangly little self out of bed and made my way over to him. He just… reeked of booze. Whiskey and beer. Well it turned out I’d left the kitchen light on, and he was furious. I just sat there listening to him rant about money and how I didn’t appreciate what he did for me.

“Now, mind you, I must’ve been… eleven… tops. And it was… it was snowing that night… yeah.” Details made themselves clearer in my mind. A night I had tried to forget was creeping its way back into my mind. “I was cold and tired and after I don’t know how many minutes of listening to him shout, I started to get drowsy. I yawned. And that’s all it took. He hit me… hard… and he kept hitting me. Now normally he’d smack me around a few times, and tell me to fuck off. But that night… I can’t tell you why but that night he didn’t let up. He just kept… hitting me and hitting me until… until I blacked out.

“I woke up in the Hospital. My dad had told the doctor that I was out late or something… got beat up by a kid from school. I had a concussion and…” I swallowed. “…and my ear had damn near been beaten off my head. Luckily I got there quick enough that some unicorn could heal it back. I still don’t hear perfectly out of it, to be honest, but… it’s a lot better than it used to be. So... yeah.”

I was fairly proud of myself, actually. I hadn’t exactly planned to tell Derpy anything but I managed not to tear up or break my act at all. I was just… talking about it. It felt… really good to tell somepony who would listen.

Well whatever the case, I needed to bring this back around somehow to help my favorite client. “So my point is, Derpy. That man… that… poison stallion was my only parent… and my only real role model until I was thirteen.” I gestured to myself. “I turned out alright. At least I think I did. Derpy you’ve told me just about everything you do with Dinky. You make time to be there for her, you work hard to provide for her, you play with her, you administer reasonable punishments when she acts up. You love her… and she knows you love her… and she loves you. I mean she goes around defending your honor for Celestia’s sake.”

She smiled at me. That warm shower smile. “You always know just what to say Guilty.” Her face fell slightly, and she grappled with a question for a bit. “Nopony ever called protective services or anything… nopony noticed your bruises or... or called the cops when your dad would shout at you?”

“I got into a lot of fights and...” I laughed nervously. “...I don’t think I ever won a single one. I had bruises all the time, so… anypony who did noticed must have figured I just got the snot kicked out of me by somepony. That, and it was a pretty bad neighborhood. Half the kids at my school had parents just like mine. It wasn’t exactly uncommon.” I gave her a reassuring grin. “But hey, that’s all in the past. I’m in a much better place now. And I don’t just mean Ponyville.”

She nodded her head. “Hey Guilty?”

“Hmm?”

“I used to think I had it bad… I mean with my eyes and all.” She pointed a hoof at her mismatched orbs. “But that… geez… I don’t know if I could’ve come out of that as well as you did.”

“Oh it wasn’t all bad. I was just trying to make a point.”

“But still… in spite of all that… in spite of everything that could’ve crushed you… You’re still you, Guilty. You managed to come out of that without… without… without turning out really fucked up. You’re…. you’re strong, Guilty.”

“I’d never really thought of myself as being strong.” It was true. Smart? Absolutely. Handsome? Better believe it. Observant? Disgustingly so. But Strong? Not so much.

“Well… you are, Guilty… you are.”

I wasn’t really sure what to say to that. “Thanks, I guess.”

“Well, anyways Guilty… I gotta get home.”

“Of course. OH wait… uh, when’s a good time for you… for the hike I mean.”

“Ummm… Friday’s a Holiday… sound good?”

“Sounds great. Stop by around… ten?” I was so excited… hiking… with Derpy. With my friend.

She gathered up her things and walked out the front door. “No problem. Bye Guilty.”

“Bye Derpy.” She left. Twenty paces out she turned around and waved… just like always. I waved back… just like always. I was done for the day, but I still had much to do. After all I had a hike to plan! But where were we going to go?

“Smoky Mountain? Are you serious, kid?” Close asked as he double-checked my sideburns for evenness.

“Yeah.” I explained. “I figure if we take the 9:30 train we’ll get there by noon, we can eat lunch at the base, and then take the ridge trail. It’s not that bad just 10 miles or so, so I mean-”

“Okay, first of all: shut up, you’re a moron. Second of all: hold fucking still or you’re gonna end up with a fuckin’ bald spot.” Close chastened, as his scissors continued to click through my mane.

I sat quietly, waiting for some elaboration. I received none. I let out a defeated sigh. “Why am I a moron, Close?”

His scissors paused. “Oh, I see how it is. Now you want my advice. Advice that, I might add, you opted to take, after you so unceremoniously refused to pay for it last time. Well aren’t you just a real Piece o’ work, Guilty.” I could see him shaking his head in the mirror. He was just playing around, which meant I was going to have to play along with him.

I groaned. “Fine, there’s a nice big tip in it for you if you properly explain to me why I am a moron, Close.”

“Oh, how very gracious of you, Guilty. Aren’t you just the fucking picture of charity. How truly kind of you, your fuckin’ majes-”

“Close. Sometime today?”

He grumbled bitterly. “Fine… ya fuckin’ ingrate.” He muttered not quite under his breath. “Anyways, the reason you’re a complete and utter moron is simple. If you think you’re gonna take a newcomer on a ten mile hike you’re fuckin’ delusional. She’s gonna get tired, and then you’re both gonna turn back, and then she’s gonna feel bad about making you turn back, and she’s not gonna wanna go hiking again and then BAM… no more girlfriend.”

“She’s not my girlfriend Close… it’s not a date.”

Close looked skeptical. “So what, she’s client then?”

“Yeah, she’s a client.” I explained.

“So she’s paying to go hiking with you?”

“N-no, we’re just… going for a hike... for fun, you know.”

“Guess what, Guilty?” He sounded so smug.

“What?”

“That’s a date.”

“Oh, shut up y'old bastard! I don’t have feelings for her. At least not like that.”

“And yet, you lead her on like this. For shame, setting up a quiet secluded rendezvous with a girl you aren’t invested in. No heart, kid. No heart at all.” Close teased.

“It’s not a date, Close.” I practically snorted. I knew he was just messing with me, but it was sort of pissing me off. “She’s just a platonic female friend.”

“No such thing.” He said very matter-of-factly. “Watch, by year’s end you two will be bumping uglies.”

I rolled my eyes. “Close, you relic, she’s a client. We’re already doing that.”

“See? What’d I tell ya? Never doubt me, kid. I got decades of wisdom on you kid.” He laughed, I walked right into that one.

At that point I just wanted to change the subject. “Anyways… What do you think I should do then? About the hike I mean.”

“Take her somewhere easy… somewhere you know real well. That way you can show her the ropes. You know… impress her. Mares love that stuff.” He wiggled an eyebrow suggestively

“I’m not trying to impress her, Close. I’m just trying to spend a little time with a friend, doing something I really enjoy.”

“Which reminds me, where did this ridiculous little love affair with fuckin’ hiking come from?”

“How do you mean?” I asked.

He floated his scissors back onto his counter, and pulled a comb out of his little glass of barbicide. “I’m just saying… a few weeks ago you didn’t have a fuckin’… extracurricular activity to speak of, and all of a sudden you’re all bright eyed and bushy tailed over hiking of all things. S’fuckin’ weird, kid.”

I would have done a double take if I didn’t have to keep my head still. “Close, you were the one who said I needed a hobby. I got one. So, what, it’s ‘fucking weird’ that I followed your advice?”

“Hey, watch yer fuckin’ mouth.” I swear, there’s just no way Close hears himself talk. “And what’s fuckin’ weird, Guilty, is that you seem to have just taken up the weirdest fuckin’ hobby for a manehattan pony.”

“Well, that’s kind of why I like it, Close. I’ve lived my whole life in a city. Until Ponyville, I never knew anypony with a front yard. I’ve never really had the chance to appreciate nature. Now I have that chance, it’s really nice Close. Just… getting away from... everything. Nopony for miles in any direction. It’s great.”

“Hmmm.” He grunted. “I guess I can understand that. I spent a few months stationed in a little town called dodge junction once upon a time. Going out on patrol in the desert every now and then, yeah, it’s pretty nice.” He admitted. “What put hiking into your head anyways?”

“Do you know Pinkie Pie?” I asked

“Everyone knows Pinkie Pie… is she a client?”

“I’ll never tell. But she told me that somepony who works indoors needs to get out to relax.”

Close just nodded his head. “Makes sense…” He began to brush the wispy bunches of my hair off of my smock, which floated daintily to the floor. “Oh and thank you for coming in before you looked like a fuckin’ asshole this time. It makes this much more fuckin’ bearable.”

“Some girls like long hair, Close.” I teased.

He let out a heavy sigh. “Poor girls… chasin’ a bunch a’ faggots around. It’s a damn shame.” Oh, Close Shave and his folksy prejudice.

“Close, how many gay guys have you even met?”

Close just shrugged. “None, as far as I know. I know better than to ask questions I don’t want the answer to.”

“Well I’ve known more than a few stallions of that… predilection. They have short hair, long hair, curly, straight, whatever. Long hair does not mean a stallion is gay, Close.” I might not be gay, but I’ve… been with a few stallions. Nothing wrong with it.

Don’t judge.

My smock’s buttons unclicked. The whole thing floated into the air and folded itself up. “Not gay, just a faggot.”

“What’s that even supposed to mean.”

“It means they look like Jackasses.”

“Well… whatever, Close. Here’s… 16 bits.” I produced a small pile of gold.

Close glared at me.

“That’s generous as hell and you know it. Plus, it’s all I got on me.”

Close continued to glare before until he ultimately snatched up the coins. “It’ll do. Ya fuckin’ tightwad.” He pocketed his bits. “And if I gotta remind you to watch your mouth one more time, Your money’s not gonna be any good here anymore.”

“Yeah yeah… sorry, Close.” He says that every third visit. “Anyways, thanks for the advice… I think I know where we’re gonna head.

“Oh yeah, where to?”

“Ghastly Gorge. I know the Route pretty well, and there’s some cool stuff to see.”

“There ya go, nice and flat, plenty of shade… that’ll sweep her off her hooves.”

I facehooved. “Again… not a date.”

Close Scoffed as he began sweeping up what remained of my haircut. “Whatever you say, Guilty.”

The day arrived. I had almost been too nervous to sleep. Out… hiking… with a friend. It was so exciting. I got up early to prepare. I made myself a trail mix. Nuts… berries… some mini pretzels. Tasty stuff. I made sure I had plenty of water, a map and a compass (just in case) and a few granola bars. I also made a big lunch for Derpy and myself: Some nice hearty sunflower sandwiches.

There was a knock at the door. I almost ran to the door. I felt so… foalish. Here I was getting so eager over a little hike. I knew how I should have felt. I knew I needed to be casual about this. If I acted so excited over a little hike with a friend I was going to come off like a weirdo. It’s just… I never really done this before. I’ve never had a casual friend before. Certainly not one who was also a client.

Anyways I made a point of calming down before I opened the door.

‘Ok, Guilty, relax… just going to be a nice hike with Derpy…’

I opened the door. The practiced casual smile just melted off my face.

‘… and Carrot Top.’

There she was that fuzzy orange ball of bitch, a fake grin plastered on her face. ‘What is she doing here?’

I almost just sat there staring at her before I remembered myself. “Hi Derpy. Hi…uh… Ms. Harvest, right?”

“Yes, that’s right, Mister… Pleasure, was it?” She said somewhat stiffly. I may have mentioned this before, but she’s not a terrific actor. I could tell she was nervous. She was sweating; she couldn’t make eye contact; her smile was slowly cracking.

“Mmhmm.” I smiled. I didn’t want to smile. I really didn’t want to smile. But I did… for Derpy’s sake.

“Goldy was free, so I invited her along. I hope you don’t mind.” Derpy was so cute, smiling like the sun. I… I couldn’t be mad at her.

“No trouble at all. Come on in.” I ushered the two into my home when I realized something. This was the first time either of them was here not as a client. I was suddenly nervous. These weren’t clients… these were guests.

“So, uh, I packed lunch. I wasn’t planning on three ponies, but there are plenty of sandwiches. I also packed snacks and water.”

“Geez, Guilty. You really do love hiking. You’re all prepared and everything.” Derpy said with a slight giggle.

Carrot top tentatively spoke up. “All that sounds… heavy. Will you be carrying it?” Something told me it wasn’t so much a question as a request. And while I wasn’t on the clock for Carrot Top, I actually had been planning to carry it all.

“Yeah, I got it.”

Derpy looked over to me, worried. “Are you sure, Guilty? That’s a lot of stuff.”

“Yeah, it’s no big… plus it’s a fairly flat trail anyways.”

Carrot top spoke again. “So where are we going, hmm?” She managed not to sound too bitchy.

“Just along the north side of Ghastly Gorge.”

Derpy clicked her hooves together. “Oh, I love Ghastly Gorge. I haven’t been there in forever, either. This is gonna be fun.”

“Yeah… fun.” Carrot Top scoffed. “Just lemme use the bathroom and we’ll do this.” She started towards the stairs. That was a mistake.

“Upstairs, first door on the right!” I called out very pointedly. Carrot Top had forgotten that she wasn’t supposed to know where the bathroom was.

She stopped briefly in her tracks. “Thank you, Guilty.” She said, before continuing along her way. She wasn’t doing a very good job hiding her malice. If she didn’t rein it is Derpy was going to notice.

“Sorry she’s in such a bad mood.” Derpy said. Apparently she already had noticed. “And sorry I brought her without asking. She just really needed to get out of her house for a while.”

“Oh?” This was interesting… a glimpse into the home life of Carrot Top. Maybe there would be any clues as to her shitty mood around me, anything that might help shed some light on the semi-regular migraine in my life.

“Yeah, she and her girlfriend are fighting again.”

Mind… BLOWN!

Carrot Top had a girlfriend? The cock hungry indifferent shell of a client that came to me with nothing but a need for raw hetero coitus… had a girlfriend? This was too much.

“So *ahem* is this a… recent relationship or…?” I asked somewhat awkwardly.

“Nah, they’ve been dating since before you moved to Ponyville. They fight like this every month or so. They just need some space.” Derpy waved a hoof dismissively.

“Huh…” I was dumbfounded. I wondered if Carrot Top’s girlfriend knew she came to me. I wondered in maybe Carrot Top wasn’t really straight. I had always assumed I was being used as a substitute to some stallion, but maybe she just came to me to get away from her relationship.

“Something wrong?” Derpy asked. I had just been staring at the staircase, apparently.

“Hmm? No nothing wrong.” I shook the idle thoughts from my head. “Can I get you anything before we head out?” Derpy just shook her head.

Eventually Carrot Top finished up and the three of us set out towards the Gorge. The walk there was mostly quiet. Carrot Top was completely silent, and Derpy only hummed some tune. It was almost comedic, the difference between their expressions.

Derpy was so… bright and happy. Walking along in her normal bubbly manner, her head bobbed in time to her private song.

Carrot Top was anything but bubbly. Hunched over, staring at the ground, pretending desperately she was anywhere else, she was… trudging. That’s the only word for it.

When we got to the Gorge Derpy was practically dancing. “It’s just as big as I remember.” She started running full tilt towards the edge.

I started to call after her. “Careful, Derpy, that’s a long way-”

That was as far as I got before she tripped over her own hooves and tumbled over the edge.

“DERPY!” Someone shouted. I’m not sure if it was me or Carrot Top.

Before I realized it I was running full tilt towards the edge. I think Carrot Top must’ve been running with me. I barely had time to skid to a halt at the cliff face. My body nearly reeled over the edge as well.

I was already preparing myself for the worst. My eyes shot every which way down to the canyon floor, looking for any blotch of grey and blond amongst the stones and foliage.

Next to me carrot top breathed a sigh of relief. “Damnit, Derpy! Don’t scare me like that!” She yelled. I quickly looked to her, then followed her gaze to a spot several yards down and away from the cliff’s edge.

There was Derpy, hovering in the air, safe and sound, wings keeping her aloft… upside down.

“I’M OKAY!” She shouted.

It was only then that I realized how much adrenaline was flowing through me at that moment. It all hit me at once: how hard my heart was pumping, how fast my lungs were breathing, how much I was shaking. I collapsed onto my rear end just staring at Derpy. I had honestly thought she was hurt… or worse.

“Right…” I panted. “… Wings…*huff*”

“yeah…” Carrot Top said, somewhat begrudgingly.

“*huff*… Hey, Derpy!” I yelled.

“What?” she called back as she struggled to right herself in the air.

“You really are clumsy!”

“Hee hee… Told Ya!”

After several flips Derpy finally got right-side-up. She was actually kind of hilarious. She kept trying to get upright, but every time she did she went full circle and wound up upside down again. I did my best not to laugh, while Carrot Top just shook her head.

When she finally landed, she was staggering hard. “Woooah… dizzy.”

That’s when I lost it. I just exploded into giggles. It was too much.

Once she got her bearings Derpy threw me a mock glare, while Carrot Top threw me a very real one.

“Sorry, but you have to admit that was pretty funny, right Miss Harvest?”

She was taken aback. I never really engage her during my sessions. She doesn’t want me to. But here I was, openly asking her a question. I could tell she was upset. I could tell she was furious with me. She just wanted to get through this hike without making Derpy suspicious.

But I didn’t care. I wasn’t on her clock. I wasn't on anypony’s clock. This was Guilty time. I could do whatever the hell I wanted. If Carrot Top didn’t want to answer my questions, fine. If she didn’t want to talk to me, that was fine to. But she couldn’t stop me from asking those questions. She couldn’t stop me from trying to talk to her.

This was my hike I and was going to enjoy it, Damnit!

“R-right.” She muttered, downtrodden.

“So anyways, Guilty. Where’re we headed?”

“I just figured we’d head south along the trail, there’s some cool caves on the Eastern face, old Eel nests, I think, so we’ll get a good view of them if we head along the west side.”

“Wow, Guilty, you really did put a lot of thought into this.”

“What can I say? I wanted it to be fun.” I may or may not have spent a few… hours comparing the pros and cons of the trails on either side of the canyon.

After our little scare we started the real part of the hike. It was heaven. Nature everywhere, a fantastic view the whole time, the light pouring over the rock face, the mystery of the dark empty caves, pleasant conversation with Derpy, the occasional snack, it was just perfect. Carrot Top even got into the conversation a little bit, if only when prompted. We talked about all kinds of stuff. Derpy was talking about Dinky, about her mail route, about her and Carrot Top as kids. Apparently after the two of them became friends, they really became inseparable.

Getting into fights together, studying together for tests, their families even planned joint vacations for them so they never had to be apart.

They reminded me of Crook and myself.

All their stories about when they were kids kind of got to me though. I mean so much of what brought them together was school. I never finished school. Once I had a job, I never bothered with school… and that was when I was 13. I mean, I still learned plenty. And I don’t just mean street smarts, I mean I’ve got at least a decent amount of book learning. As an escort you need to be able to keep your client mentally stimulated if necessary. As I’ve said before, you need to seem like an expert in everything.

And hey, if your client doesn’t want a smart stallion, you can always play dumb. It’s a lot harder to play smart.

Eventually it was lunchtime, so I laid down a blanket and the three of us ate the sandwiches I prepared. They were good. The sunflowers were perfect. Luckily I’d made more than enough for two ponies, so we all ate well. Carrot Top seemed upset about something… well more than she had been already, and Derpy took notice.

“Whatsa matter Goldy?” she said, voice full of sincere worry.

“Nothing, Derpy, don’t worry about it.” She smiled, but something was definitely bothering her. Taking a bite of my sandwich, I opted to take a closer look at her.

‘She’s slouching a little, but that’s probably just because she’s tired. She’s sighing a lot, not breathing heavy but sighing (there’s a subtle difference,) so she’s upset about something. Her eyes are downcast, so she’s probably think about something else entir- wait a second. She’s not just staring down; she’s staring at her sandwich.’

“Is the food okay?” I asked her.

Derpy, however, was the one to respond first. “Yeah, Guilty, It’s awesome… they’re just as good as last time you made them.” She happily bit into what I believe at that point was her second sandwich. Her head happily bobbed as she chewed.

“He makes food for you?” Carrot top asked Derpy, a befuddled look on her face. I can understand why she’d be confused, I’ve never done anything with Carrot Top aside from her usual routine.

“Uh-huh… Guilty’s really good at cooking.”

Such praise. “I’m okay at cooking, Derpy. You’re the muffin virtuoso.”

Derpy blushed a tad. “Don’t say it like that… it’s embarrassing. But I’m serious, Guilty. You’re a super good cook, right Goldy?” I honestly think that’s the first time I’d seen Derpy embarrassed. Flushed, sure, but that was for… other reasons.

Carrot Top’s response was cold, almost mechanical. “Yes, Derpy, it’s… delicious.” She sounded… pissed… pissed that my sandwich was so good. That’s what it was… she didn’t like that I was a good cook. What exactly was she mad about, though? Was she jealous of Derpy? Jealous that Derpy got “better” sessions than her? Was she angry at me for not giving her the same treatment? I tried and failed to wrap my head around it.

My special talent may be reading ponies; but when I’m working with a mare as… unexpressive as this one was, I can only do so much.

“Then what’s got you all bummed, Goldy? Is it Lily?”

Carrot Top clicked her tongue. “Damn it, Derpy! Can we not…!” For the briefest of instants her eyes met mine. “can we not do this right now.”

Derpy looked hurt. Lip quivering, tears in her eyes, the whole shebang. “Sorry, Goldy, I was just trying to help.”

‘She yelled at Derpy… for just trying to help… what a bitch!’

“It’s…*sigh* It’s alright, Derpy. I just… I didn’t want to bother Mr. Pleasure, here, with my… domestic issues.”

‘You mean you don’t want me to know anything at all about you… what a bitch.’

“Aw, but he’s really good at that stuff. He’s the one who always cheers me up after a bad date, or I get shot down, or whatever.” Derpy put a hoof on Goldy’s shoulder. “He’s also really good at keeping secrets and stuff, you can trust Guilty. I’m sure he coul-“

“Derpy, just drop it...!” Her gaze met mine again… for longer this time. “…please.”

“Okay, Goldy… sorry.” Commence sulking.

‘She snapped at Derpy! Again! What a bitch!’

After a brief pout, Derpy looked up at her sandwich once more and began eating. After a single bite, she was happy and bubbly again.

‘I can’t believe this bitch. She’s supposed to be Derpy’s best friend? Is she always this short with her? If Derpy wasn’t here, I might have half a mind to give her a stern talking to. Then again, she could probably kick my ass. Then again, she might not call my bluff, and if she does, I might have the element of surprise. If I get her in a headlock-’

“Guilty, How come you’re staring at Goldy like that?”

“Huh?” I didn’t realize it, but I guess I had been staring at Carrot Top sort of... intensely. That was sort of embarrassing. “Sorry I was…” Carrot Top was now glaring at me. “…elsewhere.”

“I’m sure.” Said Carrot Top, rather cattily.

Derpy polished off what remained of her sandwich and stood up. “I’m gonna give my wings a stretch… look around a little.”

“Mmmkay, take care.” I offered.

“Be careful.” Chided Carrot Top.

“Geez… you and Dinky.” Said Derpy, dismissively, before taking to the air and flying off down the trail, leaving me… all alone… with Carrot Top… *sigh.* Once Derpy was out of sight, my remaining companion made a very barefaced point of turning completely around to ignore me.

So this was the game, was it? Just sit quietly and wait for Derpy to get back, so the two of us can get back to pretending we don’t hate each other. Sounded like looooads of fun.

‘This blows… all alone with Carrot Top. I can’t think of a worse way to spend an afternoon. Scratch that… replace Carrot Top with Applejack… that’s worse. Man I just have to sit here and keep quiet because…’

It was then that I had a moment of realization. So soon was I to forget that I was not on the clock. This provided me with a rare opportunity. I could say whatever I wanted to Carrot Top. She could shush me all she wanted, but I was free to ignore her just as much as she usually ignored me. I could say anything to her. I could tell her off. Let her know how much her sessions take out of me. Yell at her about how she treats Derpy. I could say anything, and it wouldn’t infringe upon my professionalism. She may have been my client, but I was not a whore today.

‘But where to begin. I could tell her that fucking her makes me cry, which is technically true. I could list off any number of reasons she’s less than enjoyable company. OOOH! I could-’

My mind came to a screeching halt. What was I doing? I was imagining creative ways to berate a slightly less than polite mare. No, a slightly less than polite client. Where was all this even coming from. Okay, maybe I’m not a huge fan of Carrot Top, but I don’t hate her… that much.

So what do I do? Have a heart to heart with Carrot Top that changes the face of our relationship for the better via some sort of emotional rollercoaster wherein Carrot Top and I Laugh, cry, and learn the true meaning of friendship? Fat fucking chance. So what then? If nothing else this was a chance to get to know Carrot Top.

It always sucks to be the first person to talk after an awkward silence. No matter how suave you are… breaking the ice is never fun.

“So… Lily?” I hazarded.

“Not. A. Word.”

I shook my head (even if she couldn’t see it.) “Mm-mm. Not today, Carrot Top. I’m not ‘on duty’ right now.”

No response.

“I just ask because… well… I didn’t exactly peg you as, you know… gay. What with all the sex we have and everything.”

“Would you shut up!”

“I would if maybe you’d fill the resulting silence with your own words. You know, almost like a conversation. In fact… exactly like a conversation, like… I talk, and then you talk, and then I talk, and so on.” ‘Just because I’m trying to be decent doesn’t mean I can’t be snarky.’

No response.

“So anyways, back on topic… Does this ‘Lily’ know that you come to the town whore every few weeks? Because I don’t want some crazy heartbroken mare showing up on my doorstep with a knife claiming I destroyed her relationship.”

No response.

“You know, for somepony who comes to me more often than most of my clients, you probably make the least use of the services I have to offer. If you tried actually talking to me you might enjoy it. I’m quite good at conversation. I get lots of practice, after all. All my other clients talk to me. They get to know me a little. Well… that’s not entirely true… they get to know my persona… They get to know Guilty Pleasure. Only a few actually get to know me. Like Derpy… she actually thinks of me as a friend. At least I think she does.”

No response.

“Look, Carrot Top… if nothing else…then for Derpy’s sake, could you at least try to get to know me. Since Derpy doesn’t seem to mind being seen in public with me, I’m actually making a point of being her friend. You see that’s a very rare thing here in Ponyville. Most clients… even the ones who are actually nice to me… don’t want anything to do with me. I value having a friend I can go places with and have fun with, and I intend to do it a lot more. You’re her best friend, so I imagine our paths are going to cross. It would behoove you to at least be able to pretend you don’t despise me.”

No response.

“I’m not saying we have to talk about anything personal; just forget I mentioned your girlfriend. Just… just treat me like a fucking pony, would you? Be able to have a polite conversation with me for Celestia’s sake. We can talk about anything: your business, current events, the fucking weather.

No response.

“However you feel about me… you really need to do a better job hiding it, or Derpy is going to notice. And I think you know better than I that if she notices something, she’s going to ask questions, and she’s going to try to help, and that is the last thing you want. At least… as far as I can tell. So maybe humor me. Rather than trying to hide how you feel about me… why don’t you give changing how you feel about me a shot. I mean, Derpy likes me so why-”

“That’s because she’s too trusting.” She stated.

“See… just like that! Now this is a conversation!” Snark snark snark.

“What is your problem?” Her head whipped around to face me, livid.

“My problem is that I am trying, very hard I might add, to get along with a friend of a friend, if only to try and make that friend happy. And despite the fact that this friend of a friend is supposedly my friend’s best friend, she is not even making a goddamn effort to get along with me.”

“Why are you even hanging around Derpy anyways? What’s your angle here? Is it money you’re after? Trying to get her to pay for more time with you? How much are you charging her for this little hike, huh? You know, she has enough trouble getting by without you squeezing her for bits.” She was practically interrogating me.

“…What?” Apparently Carrot Top had gotten the impression that this little adventure was costing Derpy a small fortune. “She’s… she’s not paying me a single bit. I on the other hand must’ve spent twenty bits of sandwich makins and snacks and water. I’m not going to charge a pony to just... relax. And my ‘angle’? I like talking to Derpy, she’s cheery and a blast to hang out with. My ‘angle’ is I’m trying to spend time with her.”

She snorted and actually stood up. “Yeah sure. You say that now, but in a month, you’ll just be another stallion trying to take advantage of her trusting nature, just reaching into her wallet.” She turned around and slowly started making her way over to me. “I’m not going to watch another stallion hurt Derpy like that… hurt Dinky like that.” She stuck a hoof in my chest. “So why don’t you just back off.”

I stood up to meet her burning gaze with my own... lukewarm gaze. “*sigh*…Ok, you’re whole little ‘I used to make fun of Derpy as a kid and now i feel bad about it so I take it upon myself to protect her from all the dangers of the world since I can never truly pay her back…’ THING is adorable and all. But in all seriousness you need to chill out.”

“You… what do you…? Just… shut up… okay?” Suddenly the bat out of hell was on the defensive. That struck a nerve. She’s heard that little speech before.

Epiphany.

A hint of a grin started creeping onto my face. “Oh I get it… that’s what you’re fighting about with this Lily character.” She swallowed hard. I was right. “That’s it isn’t it? She feels like she’s playing second fiddle to Derpy.” I could feel a big fat stupid smile just splattered all over my face. I was enjoying this a little too much.

“How… how did you…?” The color was draining from her face.

“HA! Oh that’s just too rich.”

“Please… you… you can’t tell Derpy.”

I snorted in laughter. “*sssnrrk* No fucking shit. It would break her heart. Plus it’s frankly none of her business.”

“It’s none of yours either!”

“Well then maybe you shouldn’t have had such an obvious tell.”

“You’re unbelievable.” She groused.

I coughed to try and kill my case of the giggles. “Okay okay, serious now. *ahem* Do you two fight about this a lot?”

“Oh, I am not talking about this with you.”

“Oh, but you should. I’m good at this. You can ask any of my clients. Or rather, you could if I ever told you who they were... which I won’t.”

“Yeah, real helpful.”

“Fine be that way… but don’t say I never offered.”

“Oh don’t worry I won’t be telling anypony anything about this little conversation.”

“Luna, you are just so determined to not be cool with me.”

“I still think you’re not to be trusted… and I will be keeping an eye on you. I swear if you hurt Derpy at all, I’ll-.”

“Oh give it a break. Derpy’s a grown mare, she can handle herself. You best learn that for your sake and Lily’s.”

It was at this moment… of all moments… that a noise from the distance began to make itself known. Carrot Top and I paused out conversation to listen. It was an odd noise… almost like the sound of leaves blowing in the breeze but… off. “You hear that?” I asked. She nodded. Our ears began searching for the source of the noise.

“I think… I think it’s coming from the Gorge.” She said. We both walked up to the edge to get a look. Sure enough there was… something in the Gorge.

“What the hell am I looking at?” I asked no one in particular. It was the strangest thing. It was almost like the gorge was… flowing. It started in the distance but it soon got very close. No the gorge wasn’t flowing, it was filled with something. Somethings to be precise. There were thousands of them… they were flying along the bottom of the gorge. Little grey specks on a grey background. A literal river of… whatever the hell they were. “Geez, look at them all.”

“Is that…? Oh hell.” Carrot Top groaned. For the second time that day I followed Carrot Top’s gaze only to find Derpy. She was at the very front of the flock of somethings.

“DERPY!” I called out to her. I wasn’t sure if she was okay, but she didn’t appear injured or anything. Her course suddenly changed and she made a beeline right for the two of us. The flock followed suit and that odd flapping noise got louder and louder.

“Guilty! They won’t stop chasing me!” She yelled. I tried to get a better look at what exactly ‘they’ were.

They were manta rays. Little horn doodads and all. They looked exactly like any picture of a manta ray I’d ever seen, except they were gliding through the air. They were pretty cool looking too. The just sort of glided along; they didn’t flap or anything. I took several moments to appreciate how fascinating they were, until I realized that they were about to get a lot closer.

Derpy whizzed past us followed by a literal wave of flying fishes, each one at least the size of a pony, some bigger than two. None of them hit us mind you, each one deftly dodged both Carrot Top and myself. It was surreal. Like being in the middle of an aquarium… err aviary. I’m not sure where those things belonged, quite frankly. Giant grey flippers whizzed past us on all sides.

We were hit by a wall of that strange rustling noise. The sound of unflapping wings surrounded us. Once the wave passed and the din of the flippers died down we caught sight of Derpy making wide circles overhead. “Guys what do I do!?”

“Just land!” I offered. It made sense to me. They didn’t exactly look like there were chasing her. Just… following.

“Nuh-uh, They’ll eat me!” She called back.

Carrot Top facehoofed. “Derpy, they don’t even have teeth!”

Derpy threw a glance back at the pursuing mob gaping toothless mouths.

“Maybe they’ll just swallow me whole!” Poor Derpy, she sounded so scared.

“Derpy! If they were hungry, they would’ve eaten us!” I reasoned.

“...That’s true.” That seemed to satisfy her. “Okay I’m gonna land! Get Ready!”

Carrot Top tried to call out. “No, don’t do it here Der-”

Derpy landed smack dab between the two of us. The trailing school veered upwards just in time to avoid colliding with us. For several seconds we were eclipsed by thousands of fins each ray steered itself back into the gorge. Once the chaos subsided we watched the tail end of the school settle into the bottom of the gorge, disappearing against the canyon floor. Camouflaged.

Panting, Derpy spoke. “What the hay…*huff*… were those things?”

“I dunno. We should ask Twilight.” Carrot Top said.

“Good idea. *huff*... Just lemme, catch…. *huff*… my breath and we’ll… *huff*… go.”

“You Okay Derpy?” I asked.

“Oh I’m good…*huff*… you?”

I chuckled. “I’m just fine Derpy… c’mon… let’s get you home.”

The three of us headed back. Derpy recounted us with the story of how she found herself being chased by a legion of hovering sea-life. Apparently, while flying through the canyon a bit she decided to take a break on the canyon floor. When she touched down, she noticed that the floor was a lot softer than it should be. Then she noticed that the floor was dotted with thousands of little eyes. After that she decided to speed off… and the entire canyon floor decided to follow her.

Wacky stuff.

Well anyways Once we made it back to town we all headed off on our own path. I didn’t say another word to Carrot Top on the way back. That mare is just dead set on not liking me. Either way… it felt good to at least try and reach out. It’s something I guess.

Once I got home I unpacked and threw away the granola bar wrappers I’d saved. (Littering is a crime.) I cleaned out my Tupperware and threw away leftover sandwiches. I also began prep for an early client tomorrow. I dusted off my riding crop and hoof cuffs. I have to be a dominator tomorrow.

Also I’m going to start that letter to Crook. All of Derpy and Carrot Top’s Stories have me missing him. It’ll be nice to write him a letter.