I awoke to the shrill sound of rushing water. I rolled out of the haphazard sheets and pried my eyes open. Lights too bright. Sounds too loud. Hangover. I groaned and stumbled into the hotel’s rather cramped bathroom.

“Morning, Guilty,” Derpy managed to say through her own suffering. “Oh, my head.” She rubbed one of her temples in agony. She waved a hoof beyond the shower curtain to test the temperature of the running faucet.

“Yeah, we kinda went a little overboard, didn’t we? I lost track of my drinks after my second scotch.” I rubbed my own aching head.

Derpy nodded tiredly. “I don’t know how many of those big tall drinks I had. A lot, I think.” She laughed. It was a guilty sort of laugh. Did she feel bad about last night?

“You okay?” I asked.

She smiled and placed a hoof on my shoulder. “Yeah, I just… it’s been so long since I… cut loose like that.” She winced, and recoiled from the shower. Too hot, it would seem. “I think I kind of overdid it. I… I think I’m still a little bit drunk.” She belched. “I’m kinda queasy.”

“Well, we’ll get some breakfast. Something starchy and absorbe—” It hit me like a truck. The memory of what I’d said. The panic, the tears, the worry.

“Mind if I go first?” Derpy asked.

“Huh?”

“The shower.”

“Oh…” Of course. Not at home, shower only big enough for one, we couldn’t take it together like usual. My mind was working slowly. “… sure, yeah. I’ll… I’ll go grab us some food downstairs or something.”

‘Oh, geez… what did I do? What did I DO? Did I fuck this up? Did I fuck up the best thing to ever happen to me?’ I paused. I realized that I was right. Derpy was… the best thing that had ever happened to me… in my life. ‘I… I need to lie down…’ I was already on my way downstairs. I couldn’t come back empty-hoofed. ‘Okay… let’s just… get some breakfast, then.’

I dragged myself into the elevator, suddenly finding myself weary. ‘Okay, Guilty, just calm down. You haven’t ruined this… necessarily.’ I pressed the lobby button. ‘You just… you need to backpedal. You can do that, you were drunk, you can blame the alcohol and dancing and outdoor sex. Just say that you were caught up in the moment.’

The elevator was agonizingly slow. I just… I wanted something to distract me, and the tiny elevator offered little in terms of mental stimulation. ‘Then again… I was pretty heartfelt. I said that I’d felt this way for a while. I cried. I might not be able to play this one off. Oh my Celestia what have I done? What am I going to do? This is… this is bad, Guilty. You’ve lost her. She’s gone. Hoof in the door. Never going to see her again.’

I was being ridiculous. I knew I was, but that didn’t stop me from doing it. I took a breath. ‘Okay, don’t be stupid. Derpy said I hadn’t ruined… this.’ I thought about her exact words. “This… is awesome.”

But… what was “this.” Our relationship? This trip? That sex? I mean… she didn’t sound like she was going to leave me. ‘Listen to yourself, assuming the worst. She was perfectly happy this morning… okay, a bit hungover, but still happy.’ But maybe she was just waiting ‘till we got back to Ponyville. Maybe she didn’t want to ruin the trip. ‘Calm the fuck down. You’re freaking out. Don’t get worked up.’ I needed to talk to her. We could clear all this up if we just… sat down and parsed things out. ‘Don’t be stupid, Guilty, let sleeping dogs lie. Things are at a passable status quo, don’t fuck that up.’

The door opened. I stepped out into the large lobby. Lucky me, there was a little breakfast buffet. Bagels, melon, muffins (or what passed for muffins in the world outside Derpy) all sat out in neat little piles. I grabbed a couple small white plates and started stocking up. ‘Okay, so don’t go mucking things up by bringing up last night again. It will accomplish nothing. It will make negative progress. It will spoil this perfectly good trip.’ I paid for our meals and made my way back upstairs. Another long trip in a tiny box.

‘Okay, so what’s the plan for today? Probably gonna visit the old stable. That’ll be an interesting challenge.’ Despite my best attempts to shift my focus, I couldn’t help but think about last night. ‘It was the alcohol. I had too much to drink.’ My head pounded as if in agreement. ‘ I just hope I haven’t… scared her off or anything.’

Back to my floor. Back to my room. “Derpy?” I yelled. “I brought breakfast!”

“Okay!” she called over the shower’s spray.

I began to lay out breakfast on the room’s tiny table. ‘Crap. I didn’t grab anything to drink.’ I sighed; tap water would have to do.

Derpy emerged from the shower, a towel wrapped atop her head. “What’d you grab? Oooh, Muffins.” She sounded very far from chipper. Her voice was gravelly and hoarse. Derpy immediately grabbed a stale blueberry muffin and nibbled on it. They may have been vastly inferior to her own, but Derpy was still happy to have muffins.

“Feeling better?”

“A little. A shower helped. I feel kinda queasy, still.”

I nodded. “Well, have a bagel or two. It’ll help settle your stomach. Won’t do a whole lot for your hangover, though.”

Derpy rubbed her temples. “It’s like my head’s being pinched by a giant crab.”

“Yeah, you had quite a bit more to drink than me. I think I got off a little easier.”

She groaned tiredly. “I think I want to stay in bed for a few hours.”

“Well, I was going to go to the Stable. Once Crook gets his hooks in me, he’s gonna want to talk for a few hours. Want me to do that while you rest?”

Derpy’s eyes shot wide. “Nonono, you have to take me. I’ll sleep on the train when we go back. I don’t want to miss seeing Crook.”

“Are you sure? You seem pretty… haggard from last night.”

She collapsed onto the table and whined pitifully. “Ugh, I know… but I still want to go.”

“Okay, just don’t push yourself too hard.” I took a big bite of an onion bagel. Bland, and unsatisfying.

“Okay, mom.” She shot me a false look. It quickly dissolved into a smile. “I had so much fun last night, Guilty. This was a great idea.”

‘Last night.’ “Well, I’m… glad you had fun.” ‘Don’t bring it up.’

“I’ve never done anything as crazy as that before.” She blushed.

“You mean… outside?”

Her blush intensified. “Yeah… it was really scary… but kinda really fun, too.”

‘Don’t bring it up.’

“Yeah, and I’m…”

‘Don’t bring it up, Guilty’

“I’m really sorry… about… about…”

‘Make something up, you fucking putz. Backpedal!’

“… about what I said. I was drunk, and…”

‘Oh, fucking bra-vo. You mook.’

She smiled.

And it burned. Her sad eyes, her calm attitude, there was a glaring emotion in her actions.

“It’s okay, Guilty. Don’t worry about it.”

It was pity in her eyes. Acid pity. I was weak. I was a weak tiny thing that had attached myself to her, and she would sweep me aside with pity in her eyes, for I was pitiable.

“It’s just… I mean…”

She was looking for the words that would hurt me the least. The words that would make the act of letting me down as gentle as possible. Time was slowing down. I could feel my heartbeat. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. For some impossible inconceivable reason, my body was on full alert. I was hyperaware of my surroundings, as though my body wanted me to hang on every wicked painful, razor syllable of Derpy’s inevitable “let’s just be friends.”

“I’ve never said that to a pony other than… well, you know.”

Drowning on dry land. All my false ideas of what this relationship was and fictional hope for a stable relationship were suffocating me. I could breathe, but it was almost like I didn’t want to. I couldn’t look at her anymore. I just stared into my bagel. Why had I brought it up? Why had I even said it in the first place? Why had I brought Derpy to Manehattan? Why had I ever tried to date her? Why had I ever even left Manehattan?

“And I just…”

I left to get away from this. I left to get away from this exact feeling. I left to escape this caustic, scalding pity that had burned me so very badly. I left so that I wouldn’t have to feel so small and weak and… nothing. I left to be free of this.

And it had followed me. It had followed me to my little backwater burg. It had followed me to my little cabin where I could pretend that heartbreak didn’t exist and it waited. It waited for me to get my hopes up again so that it could crush me while I was standing happy and tall.

“I think it’s going to be a while before I can… say those words.”

‘Wait…’

‘That’s… that’s different.’

‘That’s not like last time.’

“I mean I know it’s… it’s something that’s really big in a relationship, but…” She had tears in her eyes. “But it’s just...”

Gear change.

That hyper-awareness had paid off. I’d caught something that changed the context of the whole situation. Derpy wasn’t casting me aside. I hadn’t gotten too close. I hadn’t made things too real. This was something else.

“It was the last thing that…” She sobbed hard. “It was the last thing I ever s-said to him.” Tears rolled down her face. “Sorry, I… I didn’t mean to cry.” She hid her face behind her hooves. “I… I was trying r-really hard not to cry last night, I’m sorry.”

I stood there dumbfounded. It wasn’t pity that I’d seen in Derpy’s eyes, it was… something else, something much more complicated. Shame and nostalgia and melancholy and even a little pride were all rolled into Derpy’s own personal little private pain.

This… wasn’t about me at all, at least not in Derpy’s eyes. To her, her inability to reciprocate was her own shortcoming. I’d had it all backwards. I didn’t need to be apologizing; I needed to comfort Derpy. She had thought that she’d said something wrong.

‘Full throttle comfort. Break out your absolute best. Go go go!’

I stood up, and immediately moved to her side. “Don’t worry. Don’t you worry at all.” I nuzzled her hard, and wrapped a hoof around her.

“I’m s-sorry, Guilty, I just… I was w-worried I’d ruined the trip.”

“That’s what I was worried about. I thought you were upset about what I said.”

“No, it’s fine! I j-just…”

“You don’t have to say anything!”

“O-okay!”

Derpy broke down, crying into my shoulder. Derpy had already cried countless tears over Dusty, but that morning on the twenty-seventh floor of the tiara plaza she cried a few more.

That cry provided me with some much needed perspective on my relationship. I am dating a mare who lost her husband. Derpy has made it clear that I am not a replacement for Dusty, it’s a natural thing to worry about. And while that does make me feel a bit more… appreciated, it also has a fairly simple downside. Dusty is still missed. I am not filling the hole in Derpy’s heart, but that means that the hole is still there.

I will have to consider this fact in future relationship tactics.

Crying eventually stopped and conversation eventually resumed. Derpy was once again very excited to see the stable, and the moment we finished eating, she was ready to go. Derpy cleaned herself up, I took my own shower, and made our way to a place I hadn’t been in two years. Another taxi ride got us there quick enough. We made our way past crowds of busy ponies to The Cherry Smile, my old home.

The Cherry Smile occupies the bottom two floors of a thirteen story building. It has an unassuming entrance, not unlike a traditional pub. No sign or awning, just a simple wooden door.

“Here we are,” I said, opening the door for my girlfriend, like a good little stallion.

“This is it?” Derpy asked, unbelieving. Surely this simple wooden door couldn’t lead to a house of pleasure.

“This is it,” I assured her.

Once inside, one is promptly met with a second, much sturdier door, accompanied by an equally sturdy stallion. I recognized the stallion on duty, and he me. “Holy shit…”

“Hey, Deadbolt.” Pure and unfiltered nonchalance. I am a dick.

“Fuck you and your ‘hey.’ I didn’t think I was evah gonna see you again.” The burly pegasus offered me a large stallion-hug. “Holy shit, Guilty.”

Deadbolt has been working as a bouncer and general security guard since about when Crook started working as an Escort. We were never that close, but he’s always been a friend. “Deadbolt, this is Derpy.”

“Hi!” Derpy eagerly grabbed his hoof and shook it. “I’m his girlfriend!” she announced cheerily.

He shot me a surprised look. He knew I was never one to date. “Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you. You two can head on in.”

“C’mon, Guilty, I wanna say hi to Crook!” She was giddy again, her hangover apparently waning. She strolled into the stable ahead of me.

“She knows Crook?” Deadbolt asked.

“Yeah, he came down to visit me a while back.”

“Ah, so that’s where he vanished to,” he said, rubbing his beard.

I swallowed. “So uh… is she home?”

Deadbolt shook his head. “Nah, she’s out today. Should be back around business time. Try not to stick around too long, aight?”

I nodded, and gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder. “You’re a real good friend.”

“Hey, it’s my job to keep things quiet around here.” He gave me a pat back. “Good to see you, Guilty.”

“You too.” I followed Derpy into the stable’s main room.

The first room in the stable is really a showroom. It’s where all the sexy stallions and mares of the stable can “display their wares,” as it were. Most of the interior is red velvet and leather and gold trim. Across from the entrance sits a very well-stocked bar. Drinks aren’t cheap, but that’s the price of even being in the showroom. In one corner there’s a small stage with two stripper poles on it. There’s lots of room in the middle to mingle, and some big, high-walled booths along the edges of the room. I spent many nights working this floor. Flirting and dancing and seducing. Bringing in the bits. Earning my keep.

I’m actually quite an accomplished pole dancer. I should get one for my cabin; I don’t want to get rusty.

However, mid-morning was not when downstairs was alive with hormones and sweat and promises of pleasure. A janitor I didn’t recognize was sweeping in a far corner. A gofer behind the bar was wiping the dust off of the liquor bottles. The jukebox played some light jazz. It was a very quiet morning for the stable.

“Oh my gosh, this place is so fancy,” Derpy commented, drinking in the scenery. Even in its off-hours, it was quite a room.

“Well, it has to impress, Derpy.” It felt… somehow good to stand in that room again. It was just so… easy to be… home. Part of me thought it would be awkward to stand here and remember everything that happened, but it just felt… familiar.

“My my my, is that who I think it is?” I turned to the far end of the bar and noticed an old acquaintance. “Guilty Pleasure, the prodigal son.” Spectacle was a reserved pony. He had a collected demeanor that betrayed his intelligence. A rather tall, thin stallion, Spectacle had been a professor at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. Years ago he’d been forced to resign after a plagiarism scandal. One way or another he found his way to The Cherry Smile, years later.

Spectacle is a sort of specialty stallion. He doesn’t have many clients, but the ones he has are fairly loyal. See, Spectacle is smart… like really really smart. Not the sort of quick and clever that lets an average escort appear to be a master of everything. No, spectacle is truly a brilliant stallion and scientist. Before his untimely retirement, Spectacle made a number of breakthroughs in the field of Applied Magical Theory. He’s written three books, and dozens of articles over a long career. He caters to the clients that are actually too intelligent for a normal escort to keep up with.

I should introduce him to Twilight.

“What does prodigal even mean?” I asked, knowing he would have an answer for me. He knows all the words.

“Lavish to the point of wasteful. Colloquially, though, people simply use it to mean absent.”

“I missed having someone who can actually answer questions like that.” I sat down on the stool next to him. He was drinking a martini. “How’s life, Specks?”

“Now now, Guilty,” he chided. “I’m doing you the common decency of using your pseudonym, which I know you prefer.” He took a delicate, yet purposeful sip of his drink. “It’s not too much to ask that you do the same, I should think. And while you’re minding your manners, would you do me the honor of introducing me to this lovely mare?”

“Sorry Professor.” He tended to insist that everyone call him that whenever he was on the ground floor, whether customers were present or not. “I’d forgotten… decorum,” I said with no small amount of snark. “Professor, this is my lovely girlfriend Derpy.”

“Hi!” Derpy grabbed his hoof and shook vigorously.

“Derpy, this the Professor. He’s an old friend.”

“Charmed,” he said politely. “And thank you, Guilty.” He caught the attention of the gofer behind the counter. “Marble, you’ve been learning to mix, lately, right?”

The gofer turned and wordlessly nodded. He was a young Earth Pony, maybe fifteen.

“Make my friend here a manehattan.” Lucky for Spectacle, only clients had to pay for drinks. He noticed that his own drink was very close to empty. “And make me another martini as well.” His attention turned to Derpy. “Can I get the lady anything?”

Derpy’s face showed a hint of a frown. She was still feeling her hangover, the idea of more to drink didn’t exactly sit well with her. In fact, I think she wasn’t all too keen on the idea of having a drink this early in the first place. “No thanks.”

The young boy obliged, and began to prepare our libations. “So tell me, Professor, how have things been around here since my departure?”

Spectacle swirled the last vestiges of his martini in the bottom of the glass. “Well, you leaving left quite the client vacuum. I didn’t personally wind up shouldering any of your load, but several of your regulars were snatched up by the others. We’ve had quite a few revolvers. Two new more permanent escorts. In fact, one of them—”

“What’s a revolver?” Derpy asked abruptly.

I answered for Spectacle. “Somepony who doesn’t work for very long. Just a month or two at the most. Usually it’s somepony who’s escorting as a last resort.”

“Why do you call them revolvers?”

This time, Spectacle answered for me. “Because it’s like a revolving door. Ponies come in, ponies go out.”

Derpy cocked her head. “But… can’t you go in and out of a regular door?”

Spectacle merely squinted at her. “I suppose you can.”

Derpy just giggled. “Guilty, I’m gonna go look at the jukebox. I wanna see what songs it has.” And with that, she happily trotted across the room, and began investigating the giant appliance. She was so cute, eager to learn everything she could about my old home.

“Not too bright, is she?” Spectacle commented the moment she was out of earshot. Spectacle’s always had some deep-seeded prejudice towards ponies whom he deems “unintelligent.” It’s gotten him into trouble more than once.

I felt my temper flare for a moment. A flash of white hot fury. “Careful,” was my only response.

I must’ve sounded quite threatening, because his ears shot up and his eyes went wide. I’ve never really known myself to be intimidating, but his reaction was very satisfying.

“Yes. Of course. So sorry.” He cleared his throat. “Ah, here we are.” The gofer served us our drinks. Spectacle seemed happy for a change in subject. He raised his glass and I followed suit. “To homecomings.” We clinked our glasses and drank. It was a good manehattan. I smiled to the gofer.

“So, do tell me, Guilty, where in Celestia’s Equestria did you disappear to?”

“Somewhere you’ve never even heard of. Way out in the boonies.”

Spectacle seemed to accept my non-answer. “Never pictured Guilty Pleasure in a small town. Are you still in the business, or are you a farmer now, or something?” He laughed at the thought.

“Yes, I’m still an escort. In fact, I’m the only game in town.”

He chuckled. “Well well, good for you.”

An awkward silence filled the air. I decided to break it. “So… how has Ms. Smile been.”

An eyebrow raised. “Ms. Smile, he says. And I thought you were one of her little adopted children. When did you stop calling her ‘mama’.” He chuckled devilishly. “Forgive me, I never cease to find entertainment in other ponies’ drama.”

“I guess I grew up,” I responded. It wasn’t a practiced line, it just sort of came out.

“Indeed so.” Another sip for Spectacle. “She’s been fine. In fact, she insisted nothing at all was wrong when you left, but I think everyone knew better. Your leaving hurt her, Guilty. You were like a son to her.”

I found myself hanging on his words. I’d had no real news of Ms. Smile since I left. This was old hat to him, but I was eager for the ancient update.

“For a time, the name ‘Guilty’ was somewhat taboo. Anyone who said it would magically receive punishment for some unrelated slight.” He snickered. “Oh, poor Nightcap was stuck on gofer duty for a week, one time.” He released a relaxed sigh. “But… time went on. Things went back to normal. Crook hasn’t been quite the same, but I’m sure you noticed that when he came down to visit. So morose.”

I kept myself from cocking my head. I hadn’t noticed a single thing different with Crook when he’d come to visit. He was exactly the same. It was as though time had stopped when I left. He’d been the same loud, inappropriate, shameless Don Juan of a stallion I’d always known.

“Things are largely the same, by now. She’s stern, but caring to the whores, and flirtatious with the guests. Same old, same old.”

I was… underwhelmed. I’m not sure what I was expecting to hear, but there was just so… little news. Perhaps it’s just ego, but I thought my leaving would’ve left a bigger sort of impact, but… it looked like everypony had already recovered.

Is it bad that I almost wish they hadn’t? Whores come and go all the time, even the more permanent ones, but… I suppose I’d always thought that it would’ve been… different with me. I suppose I just felt like I should’ve been more… missed.

But, I wasn’t. Everypony had just... adapted to my absence.

I mean, it made sense. It had been two whole years. But… but for me I guess it sort of felt like my old life would be waiting for me. Ponyville was a… separate life. I had gone to start fresh. I guess in doing so I sort of never realized that my old life would… leave me behind.

Spectacle’s eyes caught sight of something across the room, and in an instant, he grew an impish smile. “Oh-ho-ho… this will be splendid.”

“What?” I followed his gaze to a young stallion across the room. An Escort for sure, I recognized his swagger. He was making his way over to the bar; he’d caught sight of me and Specks. He was a young thing, maybe twenty… twenty-one at the most. A greyish mane, a red coat, he sort of clashed, but he wasn’t too bad looking. A bit on the small end, for an Earth Pony, but who am I to judge?

It was his mistake, honestly. He should’ve gone and talked to Derpy. She was an apparent client, and was currently not being entertained. Had I still worked there, I might’ve chided him.

“Professor, who’s your friend?” the young escort asked. He had a high voice, sort of nasally. He was rather feminine, truth be told.

The Professor smiled widely. “Just an old friend who happened to be in town.” He very purposefully turned his attention to me. “Allow me to introduce you to my co-worker.” He once again made a very purposeful gesture and indicated the young stallion.

“This is Guilty Pleasure.”

I paused. “Hello…” I said absently.

He extended a hoof. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you.” He was jovial, friendly, a perfect gentlecolt.

I absently shook his hoof. I was still in shock.

“And you are?”

“Pumpkin Bread.” My pseudonym was an automatic response. Ultimately, it was for the best. It put me in the act. The act allowed me to focus. “It’s a… pleasure.”

‘Did I… did I just do that?’

The stallion… uh… Guilty, waved off my obvious faux pas. “Don’t worry about that, it happens all the time.”

‘I know that! You don’t tell me that I tell you that. That’s my line!’

“So, Mister Bread… or can I call you Pumpkin?”

A textbook approach. Appear overly polite to put your target at ease. Amateur.

I wanted to… needed to keep him talking. I had to know… everything about… my…

… replacement.

“Pumpkin’s fine. So tell me about yourself. Work here long?”

“About two years now.” ‘Fool, you could’ve easily withheld that information to find out more about me. You know nothing of sleuthing.’ “I love it here, you meet all sorts of interesting ponies.” He smiled warmly. “So, are you here meeting someone, or…?” His hoof casually found the back of mine. When had that happened? I missed his movement. I missed his movement. It must’ve been a flawless physical approach. Maybe he wasn’t a complete scrub.

His touch was like… slime on my skin. Masculine imagery assaulted my mind. My response was less than favorable. I recoiled violently. “Nooooo… no-no-no-no…” I was visibly frazzled.

His expression turned to one of shock. “Oh… oh I’m so sorry.” He recoiled in kind, purposefully put distance between us. “You were talking to The Professor, so I just assumed…”

I took a breath. “It’s okay… I just…” I swallowed hard. Harder than I really intended. Spectacle took notice of my behavior. “I wasn’t expecting it.”

A concerned voice came from somewhere behind me. “Guilty, are you okay?” Derpy had finally returned from the jukebox, just barely in time to see my miniature freakout.

I did not have the opportunity to respond. “I’m fine but I think my friend here might need another drink.” The new Guilty turned to the gofer behind the bar. “Marble, get him some water, would you.”

“That won’t be necessary, thank you.”

Derpy looked back and forth between the two of us, a quizzical look on her face. After a moment of silence, she finally responded. “Huh?”

“That said, it’s so good to see you again,” he said almost nervously. A poor play on the New-Guilty’s part. He’d assumed Derpy was a client he didn’t remember.

She obviously recognized him. Or at least, that was his perception. He didn’t even follow it up with a “How long has it been?” in an attempt to determine when they had met, to try and jog his memory. I am twice the escort this stallion is.

I could hear Spectacle giggling under his breath. He was loving the farce playing out before him.

Derpy spent another moment in baffled silence. I myself was looking for a way out of this terribly awkward situation. Derpy looked to me for help. “What… what is happening?”

‘What is my play. Try and play it cool and hope Derpy catches on? She probably won’t. Damnit. Come clean? Okay if I can’t think of a better option in ten seconds we’ll go with that. Stall? Maybe. Let Spectacle deal with it? Ooh, I like that one.’

“Sorry, Derpy, I’ll be right back. Professor, be a dear and introduce this charming man to my lovely girlfriend, hmm?” I shot him a disingenuous smile, which he mirrored with his own satisfied smirk.

“Anything to keep this conversation rolling, Pumpkin.” He waved playfully as I hurried to the bathroom.

I didn’t actually need to do anything, I just needed a moment to collect myself. Assess this… situation.

‘Okay so… I have been… replaced. There is a new Guilty Pleasure in the stable.’

I splashed some water on my face. This felt weird. This was all wrong. I just wanted to sneak in, show Derpy around, say hi to Crook and vamoose.

‘It’s not a big deal. Guilty Pleasure is a kick-ass name. It’s obvious it would make it back into the mix eventually. He’s not even really your replacement. The stable sees a dozen new employees a year. People come and go, no one’s getting replaced. He’s just using your old name.’

But that was the thing. It wasn’t my old name. That was still my name. I was still Guilty Pleasure. Not him.

‘Two ponies can have the same name. In middle school there were two stallions named Brickhouse.’

That… sort of helped. Okay my identity crisis was postponed. Now I had to deal with the immediate awkwardness of New-Guilty.

‘My best bet is to shoo him away. Spectacle isn’t going to make that easy. He lives for this drama. He’s like a proactive gossip, making juicy situations himself so that he can talk about them to everypony. This is going to have to be elaborate.’

I shook my head. I was thinking too hard. This was actually catastrophically simple. I just had to take my leave and go say hi to Crook.

I returned from the bathroom to Spectacle smiling like a jackal, New-Guilty attempting to tell Derpy some amusing anecdote, and Derpy looking profoundly uncomfortable. Time for a rescue.

“Heeeeeeey,” the classic extended hey is a great way to stop someone else from talking. “Sorry to interrupt, but, Derpy and I should really be visiting with our friend Crook right now. That’s kind of why we’re here today.”

Spectacle began to pout, but New-Guilty maintained his ever friendly aura. “Hey, no problem. You know Crook?”

“Yeah, Crook and I grew up together, actually. We go way—”

“Guilty.”

I froze as ice shot into my ears and down my spine. Instinct kicked in and I snapped to attention. I turned to greet the matron of the fine establishment where I once worked.

Mama was home.

“Stop talking to yourself and meet me in my office. Now.” Quick and sharp as ever. She stood tall and proud and powerful. She was dressed in fur and long boots. Voluminous red hair, rich full red lips, she was a mature and refined beauty.

That’s really just a nice way of saying that she’s still sexy even if she’s getting on in years.

Ms. Smile, as I’ve sort of explained, is essentially the closest thing I ever had to a mother. When I was very young, Crook and I got jobs as gofers, and effectively became two of Ms. Smile’s children. Ms. Smile takes in wayward youths like other ponies purchase hats, but that’s not to say she doesn’t care for every one of them… of us.

Ms. Smile taught me more about the world than school or my father ever did. She taught me to dance, taught me to mix drinks, taught me the fine art of conversation. Etiquette, seduction, even basic mathematics. She is a master of many trades.

Or at least she appears to be. A true escort’s escort.

I’ll admit, I was always something of a… teacher’s pet. And I like to believe that I was something of a favorite. The bond that I share… shared with Ms. Smile is one that most ponies don’t get to experience in their lifetime.

“Don’t dawdle, Guilty,” she said as she quickly stepped towards her office on the far end of the stage floor. Her cutie mark stared at me as she passed. A big eye with a heart instead of a pupil.

New-Guilty instantly responded. “Y-yes ma’am.”

“Not you!” she called back.

New-Guilty was understandably confused. Spectacle was trying and failing not to appear ecstatic. And Derpy looked as confused and concerned as ever.

“I… I should go. Spectacle, please watch after Derpy for me.” He just nodded as he tried not to laugh at my misery. He really is a sadistic son of a bitch.

I solemnly marched off towards mama’s… Ms. Smile’s office. ‘Damnit, Deadbolt. You told me I had some time.’ I stopped when I reached her door. This was not going to be pleasant. ‘Just get this over with. All you have to do is NOT get thrown out so that you can still go say hi to Crook. Very doable.’

I hesitated as I reached for the knob. This was too weird. Why was I even listening to her? It was instinct, I suppose.

I turned the knob. The whole thing was so surreal. I wasn’t even planning on seeing her today. In the end it just came so… naturally. An almost primal instinct. Listen to mother.

I mentally prepared myself for the upcoming battle.

I turned the knob and stepped into her office. She sat in her high-backed chair counting out bits on her desk. Her expression was… unreadable. It always is. She has a near-perfect pokerface. “Guilty, you’re looking well.” She didn’t look up from her task. Her attention stayed fixed on her coins.

“Hello….” I paused. That was a mistake.

“Still not sure what to call me? Poor thing. What an awful internal struggle that must be for you.” Her tone was biting.

I didn’t have a response. Rather, dozens occurred to me, but silence still seemed like the best option.

Conversations with Mama…

…with Ms. Smile….

… are like chess. Every line, every word, every gesture must be carefully considered. She taught me everything I know about conversation, and when it comes to words, she is a grandmaster.

I had to get myself in the zone. Had to psych up for the mental sparring I was about to perform.

“Sit,” she commanded.

I tactically obliged. No point in just outright appearing defiant. An easy first move.

She finally looked up from her task. “It’s good to see you again, Guilty.” She appeared earnest, not that that meant much. She’s an excellent actor.

Again, I played along for now. “It’s good to see you, too.”

She smiled. Was that actual relief? Best assume it’s calculated. “So, tell me… how is… Ponyville? That’s where you moved, yes?”

“Yeah— yes,” I correct myself instinctually. She abhorred improper speech. I mentally chastised myself for being so… conditioned. “It was really just… somewhere out of the way.”

“Hmmmmm…” she continued counting out bits. “So what brings you back… with a girlfriend, no less? Her eyes are interesting. I imagine she’s sensitive about them. Did she start out as a client? She must’ve, the way you are.” She smiled to herself. “There’s more than a small amount of irony in that, isn’t there.”

I was flabbergasted at how quickly she’d taken control of the conversation. She’d gathered so much information in the seconds she’d seen Derpy and I at the bar. Her powers of observation never cease to amaze me.

See, Mama and I… Ms. Smile and I… actually share a unique bond.

She and I have the same special talent, or very nearly. Hers has always felt a bit… stronger than mine, for lack of a better expression. At times it seems like she can just see… everything. Everything within you that should be yours and yours alone is laid out before her. She sees the core of you… what you want… what you need…. who you are at your very center. It can be… frightening.

She’s always described as “being able to figure out what ponies want”, but I swear it’s so much more than that.

I swallowed. She’d already rattled me. “I… yes… she was… still is… a client.” I needed to gain traction before she said something else. “Things have been going well. Business is good.”

“I’ve noticed.” Once again she returned to counting her bits. I was sort of curious what she was even doing.

“I’ve got a nice little clientele. No competition.” Just keep things moving until you can develop a strategy, Guilty.

“You didn’t answer my question,” she stated with a hint of smug satisfaction. “You should never leave a lady waiting, Guilty. Has everything I taught you already fallen out of your head?”

I fought back a snarl. This is how she acts when she’s upset. Pleasant, but backhanded. She changes gears and makes it hard to keep up with her emotional and mental pace.

“What question was that, again? I must’ve missed it.” Rather than excuse my error, I’d just cop to it. Take away the power of her statement, by appearing not to care.

“What brings you back to Manehattan?”

“Derpy wanted to see the city. I wanted to see Crook, and get some decent pizza.”

She stopped in her tracks and looked me dead in the eye. “Is her name really Derpy? And I thought your father was a cruel parent.”

“Don’t…” I intoned. I’m not sure I wanted to talk about less, Derpy or my father. Either way, I was putting a pin in this line of questioning.

She looked apologetic for just a moment. “I’m sorry, Guilty. I know he’s off limits.” I wasn’t expecting her to respect my boundaries, given that we were sort of at odds at the moment. That said, I’m happy she did. “In any case… it is good to see you again. I mean that.”

It was the truth. I knew it was.

“I…” I fumbled. I couldn’t decide whether or not to respond in kind. This was weird. The things she said when we’d last spoke. The things I said. How was she happy to see me.

“And you’re… not… happy to see me, it would seem.” She steeled herself. No emotion, no witty retort, no nothing. Was she really hurt? Surely this was an elaborate act.

“No, it is—”

“Don’t lie to me, Guilty. You know you can’t anyways.”

It was true. Both Mama and I could absolutely perceive each other’s lies.

… Ms. Smile and I…

“I… I’m sorry I just…”

“No need to excuse yourself. I was rather horrid to you when last we spoke.” She proceeded to gather up the bits she’d counted out and place them into a small bag. There were quite a few of them. Easily a small fortune. “Either way. This belongs to you.” She pushed the bag across her desk. She was acting strange. Almost like she was in a rush. It wasn’t like her. She never rushes. The world moves at precisely her pace at all times.

I sat bewildered for a moment. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Guilty... you never were very good at math.”

“I’m aware.”

“Well, when you walked away from me with a bed that was half mine we agreed you’d be paying back that other half with interest, correct?”

“Correct.”

“Well, it would appear that, while you managed to learn your times-tables and how to add and subtract. The finer points of mathematics, such as the concept of compound interest, continue to elude you.”

“Okay…” I was trying hard to keep up.

“The point is… interest accrues on the current balance… not the principle amount.”

“…okay…”

“You overpaid.”

“I… overpaid?”

“Your debt to me… it’s been paid off for two months and you’ve continued to send me bits.”

“Oh… so you mean…”

“You are no longer beholden to me, Guilty.”

“Okay… wait… ”

“Anyways I should be leaving… I’ve kept a handsome stallion waiting on me for far longer than he anticipated.” She rose to leave. “If you please…” she motioned toward the door.

I was still playing catch up. I was done? Done? I’d paid everything off? Surely not. I’d done those calculations a dozen times to make sure I paid her back.

“Guilty… out!” She was mad. She never liked to appear mad. She was always in control.

I obliged. A mad Madame was a scary prospect. The moment I left her office she walked briskly past me. Derpy, New-Guilty, and Spectacle watched her go, the latter two with mouths agape. Her mood was not lost on them, either.

I rejoined them at the table. Derpy immediately put a comforting hoof over my shoulder. “Guilty… what on Earth happened.”

New-Guilty was next to speak. “They filled me in. Sorry to… spring your own name on you… that’s gotta throw you for a loop.”

“It’s fine,” I responded, still not entirely present.

Spectacle had a wicked look in his eye. “Guilty… tell me everything… I’ve never seen that woman so flustered.”

“I… I think I hurt her feelings…”

“Details, Guilty, details.”

“I think Derpy and I should go see Crook now.”

“Oh Guilty, you’re no fun anymore,” he pouted.

“Let’s go,” I said to Derpy. She nodded and followed me to the stairs.

So, the Cherry Smile more or less has three sections. There’s the front, the showroom with all the nice furnishings, the face of the business. Then there’s the back, all the private rooms where the real juicy parts of the business happen. It’s just as pristine and extravagant as the front, if not more so. Then there’s the way-back. The way-back is far less nice than the rest of the establishment. No nice carpet, no fancy wallpaper. It’s where the escorts live and sleep. Fairly modest accommodations: cheap bunks, painted floors, a shared bathroom.

On the plus side, as long as you were working you got to stay in the fancy rooms.

“Guilty… what’s going on? What’s that bag?” Derpy caught up to me on the stairs.

“It’s uh… a ton of bits.” I kept walking.

“Guilty… hold… hold on a minute!” She grabbed me by the shoulder, stopping me in my tracks. “Guilty what just happened? Who was that mare? Why did she give you… Luna, how much money is that?”

“I… I dunno, I didn’t have the chance to count it.” I rubbed a hoof down my face. “I’m… I’m still playing emotional catch-up.”

She wrapped a tender hoof around me, and pulled me into a nuzzle. My nervous panic evaporated. “Guilty, talk to me. What’s going on?”

‘Where to start? Obviously not with the whole accessory-to-blackmail thing.’

“Okay so… that was Cherry Smile… as in the owner and proprietor of the Cherry Smile, Cherry Smile.”

“Professor filled me in on that much. He said that the two of you go way back.”

“Yeah she… she’s sort of the closest thing I ever had to a m-mother.” I swallowed. Was I starting to choke up? I steadied my breathing. “I’ve, uh… been paying off a debt to her since I left Manehattan. Apparently I… miscalculated my debt. She paid me back what I overpaid.”

“Oh… was… was that all?”

“… I don’t know…”

“What?”

“I just… I said something… or rather didn’t… and it really got to her.”

“What did you say? Or… didn’t say?”

“She said it was good to see me and I… I didn’t respond in kind.”

Derpy paused. “…wow…” Dripping with judgement.

“What?”

“I just… you said she was like a mother to you.”

“I know… it’s just… complicated.”

“How?”

I couldn’t really tell her about why I left the stable… about everything that happened between the two of us. “It… It’s just that… we didn’t part on the best of terms… and I was hoping not to bump into her today. She still holds a grudge for my leaving Manehattan.”

“I… Okay.” I was about to continue walking when Derpy interjected again. “But she said she was happy to see you. She can’t hold that much of a grudge right?”

“I…” I didn’t have a response to that. It was pretty sound logic. “I guess,” was all I could manage.

“You could’ve just said it was nice to see her.”

“She would’ve known it was a lie.” I grimaced. “Do we have to do this right now?”

“I’m just trying to…” She stopped herself. She’d gotten a little heated. Derpy puts a lot of emphasis on family, and apparently she didn’t like what I had to say about my adoptive mother. “Okay, you’re right; we’re here to have fun.”

We continued into the depths of the Stable. More than the pizza, more than the crowds, more than anything else so far, this felt familiar. This felt like home. I spent close to thirteen years of my life in these hallways, working and earning and just… living. I came to our room, the room that Crook and I shared ever since I turned eighteen. I pushed open the door; the lock has been broken forever, and still hasn’t been fixed, it would appear.

The room hadn’t changed at all. Sure, the mess was a different mess, and the stains on the counter were different stains, but the place was still the little hovel I knew and loved. The only difference I could see was that the two twin beds weren’t pushed together anymore. I could see Crook asleep in one of the beds at the far end of the room.

Derpy almost tripped over what appeared to be a discarded pizza box. “Watch your step,” I absently warned.

“Oh my goodness, it’s a pig sty.”

“Yeah, there’s not a soul alive that can clean faster than Crook can mess.”

“Can I help you?” came an accusing voice from within. I hadn’t noticed the pegasus on the other bed under all the covers. Some newbie. Crook’s current roomie, it would seem.

“Sorry, I’m here to see Crook.”

He rolled his eyes. “He’s sleeping. I’ll take a message.” Good old Manehattan charm.

Time to fight rude Manehattanite with rude Manehattanite. “Yeah, I’m coming in.” False bravado. Play the tough guy. That’s what this city is all about. I shouted at Crook’s massive sleeping frame. “Crook! Wake up ya fuckin’ animal.”

“You asshole. They just went to sleep. Don’t poke the bear.”

“They?” I asked before immediately receiving an answer.

“Who’s yelling…?” whined a mare’s voice. A cute blue bob-cut, and a tan coat peaked up over the massive heap that was Crook. “Guilty? Oh my gosh, is that you?”

It took a moment for recognition to kick in. “Plume?” My manehattanite client from a while back. “How… how do you know Crook?”

“Oh… I… I’m a client… sometimes. Sometimes just a… friend. What… what are you doing here?” She rubbed the tiredness from her eyes.

Crook’s roommate responded before I could. “Apparently ruining my quiet morning.”

I rolled my eyes. “Came to visit Crook. He’s an old friend.”

Plume grinned. “Yeah, he talks about you a lot.”

I smiled back. “Does he now?”

“Yeah…” Still such an awkward creature.

“Well, it’s really nice to see you. This is my girlfriend, Derpy.”

“Oh… I didn’t realize you were dating. That must be… weird. No offense, I’m just saying… nevermind.”

Derpy smiled. “It’s nice to meet more of Guilty’s friends. He doesn’t have nearly enough.”

I gasped so as to feign hurt.

Derpy stuck her tongue out at me. “What? It’s true.”

Plume tittered at us. “You guys are goofy.”

“Thank you,” I responded, which earned me another giggle. “Anyways, I’d like to wake up the big lug.”

“Oh sure.” She shook the massive stallion’s shoulder. “Hey babe. Wake up. You’ve got a visitor.”

Crook groaned in response. “Too early.”

I couldn't help but take pleasure in his torment. “I know any time before noon counts as ‘too early’, but wake your ass up, Crook."

His head turned to face me and his eye pried itself open. “Guilty? What the fuck?” came his tired response.

“Stand up and give me a hug, you fuck.”

Crook twisted himself upwards and managed to pull himself off of his bed. “The fuck you doing here?” He stumbled over to me and gave me a hearty squeeze. I returned the affection in kind.

“Now you know how I feel. Let’s go get pizza.”

Crook pulled away to look at me. Still bleary-eyed and half-asleep, he responded. “Yeah, okay.”

“You coming, Plume?” I asked reflexively. It was only polite, I had interrupted her slumber.

“Oh, um… sure. I’m just about awake at this point. Barely slept.” She followed Crook off of the bed, and sidled up next to him, offering him a swift nuzzle.

I turned to Crook’s roommate who had wrapped himself tightly in his sheets. “What about you, sunshine? Hungry?”

“Get fucked,” he kindly responded.

Down the stairs and out the front door we went. Deadbolt offered an apology as we left. He had no way of knowing that she was going to be back in the middle of the day for a quick check-in. I forgave him; it was hardly his fault.

Only once we were outside did Crook really start to wake up.

“Okay so… this ain’t a dream, right?”

I chuckled. “No this ain’t a fuckin’ dream. I’m here, ya big moron.”

Derpy laughed. “I love your accent.” I hadn’t realized I’d slipped back into it.

“Okay then, you’re here. Why are you here?” Crook had some serious mental catchup to do.

“I came to show Derpy the sights of my hometown. Not to mention say hello to my fuckin’ brother.”

“How is that mare?”

“Why don’t you ask her yourself? She’s standing right next to you.”

“Hi Crook. Awake yet?” She had such a shit-eating grin in that moment.

“Not awake enough I guess. Good to see you, gorgeous.” He rubbed his eyes. “Ah shit. Where’s Plume? I didn't leave her with fuckin’ Hurricane, did I?”

“She is standing right here. Next to me.”

She waved while trying not to laugh. “Hey, babe. You okay?”

Crook waved his hoof back. “I’m fine, I’m fine… just too early for this shit. You said somethin' about pizza, right? I’m assuming you’re buying. Cause I’m assuming I’m broke.”

Plume responded. “Yes, you’re broke. You spent what you had on drinks with me last night.”

Crook nodded. “Sounds like me.”

Crook has never been one to save money. He spends what he has the moment he has it.

“Yes, I intend to pay. There’s enough of us I can just get a full pizza.”

“Mushroom on half for Guilty and me,” said Crook.

“Just cheese for me,” said Plume.

“ME TOO!” screamed Derpy. We’d settled on an order, apparently.

Unfortunately, Hardy’s was a bit of a walk, so we just went to a little place called the Brickfire Pizza Company. It’s great but not Hardy’s-great. Still better than anything Ponyville has to offer.

So a little double date ensued. Nothing particularly remarkable happened. Crook and I caught up. He told me about his new roommate, some of the goings on in the stable. I asked about the new Guilty, to which Crook responded. “Meh, he’s okay.”

Plume was a treat. Eager to talk to me. Very happy to see me. It would seem I’d left quite the impression on her. She asked me how I was, if business was good. I asked her about her writing and how she came to meet Crook. A client-turned-friend, it would seem. Sometimes she pays, sometimes she doesn’t.

Derpy was also happy to see Crook. When she told Crook that we were dating now, he just laughed. Plume and Derpy got along pretty well, too. They liked to chat about Crook and me.

The pizza came and I once more experienced pizza nirvana. Derpy mentioned that she liked the Pizza at Hardy’s a little more because she is a rational pony with a functioning mouth and any sane pony would agree with her.

“So, you two spending the night here? I can kick out Hurricane and you can share his bed,” Crook said through a mouthful of pizza.

“We’re actually headed home soon. Gotta get to Ponyville in time to pick up Derpy’s daughter from the sitters.”

“You got a kid?” he asked in shock. “Did I know that?”

“I think so,” Derpy replied. “I probably mentioned her at some point.”

“Well, next time you come down, you’re both spending the night. No argument. I won’t have my brother spending the night in the hotel when he’s got family right here.”

I could sense Derpy’s hesitation.

“We’ll talk when I come back. Next time it’s your turn to visit, right? Announce yourself before you come.”

Crook had a lewd response. “Meh, I’ve always had trouble figuring out when I’m gonna come. That’s why it’s inside so much of the time. Right babe?” He gave Plume a nudge.

She blushed hard.

Derpy couldn’t help but laugh. “Crook, you’re a riot, you know that?”

“That’s what the cops always say. ‘Incite’ one thing, and suddenly you’re a rabble rouser,” he joked.

“Like you’ve ever been caught,” I responded.

He just smirked at me.

“Well, we oughtta get going. Good seeing you, bro.” Big stallion-hug.

“You too… stay longer, next time.”

“Next time,” I assured him.

And with that Derpy and I bade farewell to Crook and Plume. We caught the train back to Ponyville and made it home in time for dinner. We actually ended up having supper with Lily and Goldy. Carrot soup and grilled daisy sandwiches.

Somewhat... predictable.

Derpy thanked me for a wonderful time, and gave me a big kiss before I left. Dinky made a retching noise to mock our display of affection, as children are wont to do.

It was a nice trip, all told.

A bit… uncomfortable at times, but… it was nice. We’ll probably go again in a month or two.

I’ve… been thinking a lot on… Ms. Smile. I’m not sure… what to think.

Not to mention my liberation from debt. I… I sort of… wasn’t ready to be done with that.

Does that make sense?

I don’t know.

I feel like… I’m still somehow… in her debt.

I don’t know.

I’m going to stop thinking about this now.

Author's Notes:

It's been so loooooong. I missed writing it was good to finally get all of this written.

Thanks to aquapunkchick, coandco, BlackSkulls, and Jake the Army Guy for editing.

Thanks to all my patient fans for your support and comments.