An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Nine

Poor Villains with Awful Character and Miserable Appearance

***

"Vinyl, wake up!"  

The white unicorn rolled over with a grunt and covered her head with a hoof, to ensure that no sound from the obnoxious reality would reach her ears.

"Vinyl!"

The merciless racket that Vinyl had previously made a mistake of calling Octavia's voice penetrated her poor eardrums, on the verge of seemingly breaking them. The DJ groaned in pain and dug into the warm sand.

Alas, she was no ostrich, and the substance had made its way to her ears and nostrils, making her wake up at once, and jump up, coughing and and spitting all around. Damn ostriches, Vinyl thought as she jumped on one hoof, shaking her head to make the sand leave her very own body parts, which were her private property, a fact that the sand was obviously not familiar with. How do they manage to hide their heads in the sand and come out in a jiffy?

"Vinyl."

The white mare turned her head towards the source of the sound, only to see her marefriend sitting on the sand before her, holding a hoofful of dates. "Vinyl," she repeated firmly, piercing the unicorn with her 'serious' gaze. Actually, given that the grey mare was always serious, it was her 'serious serious' gaze. Or 'totally serious' gaze. Or 'ultimately serious' gaze. Vinyl couldn't choose one.

"Ostriches," the white pony replied.

"What?" Octavia blinked, dropping a date onto the sand, and quickly recollecting it afterwards.

"Ostriches," VInyl repeated philosophically. "When they hide their head beneath the sand - how come they can breathe?"

"Vinyl!" the cellist exclaimed, trying to hit her mare, who evaded the blow with the agility of a pony-ninja. Ninja-pony. Whatever. "I'm trying to bring up a serious matter!" She groaned, rubbing her forehead with her free hoof. "We're out of food."

Vinyl blinked dumbly.

"All we have left is these dates," the grey mare concluded, extending her hoof towards her marefriend, who looked at the fruit dumbly.

"Well..." VInyl began, the rusty gears in her sleepy head turning, generously oiled by the hangover. "At least we have a few dates here to eat on a date!" she exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear.

A grave expression fell upon Octavia's face. "Listen closely, Vinyl. Pay heed to what I say. Right now, without thinking about it, you have committed a crime against humour. You may deny it, but this pun was a disgrace to any comedian ever lived."

"Tavi-"

"No, Vinyl. Your pun - if one can ever find it in their soul to call it a pun - was disgusting."

"Tavi!"

"I wouldn't be able to find words to describe it, even if I consulted the Revised Edition of Crabb's English Synonymes-"

"Tavi, behind you!"

The grey pony finaly paid heed to the despaired cry of her marefriend and turned round.

Only to see a huge, tall, black, red-maned alicorn hovering next to them.

She might have shrieked.

A few minutes passed in silence as the beast lowered itself onto the sand. "My name is Somber Wing," it announced, extending his hoof towards the mares, a piece of paper in it.

Vinyl squinted her eyes. A... business card?

Indeed, on the white piece of paper, in big golden letters, was written,

Somber Wing, a Black Red-Maned Alicorn

Bad OCs Inc., CEO

"That's not how you spell Sombre." Octavia frowned, all fear leaving her as her inner grammatical and spelling righteousness kicked in.

"I'm American." The alicorn shrugged, visibly perturbed by the lack of fear he was receiving. "I have come here to consume your souls, just so you know," he continued, looking at the mares, who exchanged knowing looks.

"How novel." Vinyl yawned.

The alicorn raised his brow. "What do you mean?"

"We meet the likes of you on a weekly basis. You're like those Jehowah witnesses, hitting at our doors like crazy on Sunday mornings."

Octavia nodded. "Yes. You definitely need to be a little more...  original?"

The alicorn blinked, a thick blush covering his face. "I'm... not that mediocre, am I?"

"No!" Octavia protested, shaking her head. "Of course not, Mr. Wing! You just need a little more... originality? Change your hair colour, for one - white would suit you perfectly!"

"Yes, and change your job - you make a crappy villain!" Vinyl exclaimed, receiving a harsh glare from her marefriend. "What, Tavi? I'm telling honest truth here - he can't make a foal shit their pants! You need to change your job, dude!" she addressed Somber Wing, who, by now, seemed more and more embarrassed with each passing second. "You working under King Sombra, by any chance?" Receiving a nod, she sighed. "Quit. Begin a new life. You know, you can sell French Fries - everypony loves French Fries!"

The alicorn stared dumbly at the beaming white unicorn, then at the grey earth pony, who nodded eagerly. "You... think so?"

"Sure!" the DJ exclaimed. "And dude... change your mane colour. Like, really."

"Thanks... I guess?" Sombre wing blinked in embarrassment and severe lack of understanding.

"You're welcome!" Vinyl nodded. "Now, me and my marefriend were on to something..."

"Oh!" Somber Wing exclaimed, blushing fiercely. "Of course! Take your time!" With that, he vanished in a flash.

Octavia released a breath she didn't realise she'd been holding. "Wow. That was a tough one, Vinyl." She pondered for a moment. "You know, if we hadn't taken him by surprise, he could've easily destroyed us."

"No shit, Tavi," Vinyl agreed. "Those alicorns are so OP."