Spiderman and Alexander just stared at each other as they traveled down to Ponyville in one of the many chariots.

"So," Alexander said. "What exactly do you do?"

"Drink, smoke, get laid, troll whoever I want, and do some real estate on the side." He said leaning back against the plush seat.

"So, basically, everything illegal?" Alexander deadpanned.

"Yes."

"Right. So, I'm supposed to reform you, make you good. Can you do anything help-where did you get that?" He asked suddenly as Spiderman pulled out an Ipod.

He put the ear buds on his mask, and started blasting music into them. Alexander just stared at him for a second, processing what exactly was happening. Once he had snapped out of it, he quickly took the Ipod away, leaving Spiderman to headbang without music.

"The fuck man!" The enraged superhero said as he realized his tunes had been taken. "I was listening to that."

"Yeah, but I don't think the stallions pulling us a few thousand feet in the air want to."

"Fine, here," he reached into his nonexistent pocked and put his hand in front of Alex. "I give you, no fucks. Now hand it over!"

"What? This?" Alex said holding the Ipod in hoof. "No, you'll get it back with good behavior."

"Or... Karate chop!"

He swung down, attempting to hit the blonde alicorn over the head. Alex moved his head to the side and hit the hero under the ribs.

"Asshole."

"Sissy. One hit?"

"Let me hit you then. See how much you like it."

"Alright, go ahead. So how good you fist feels afterwards." Alex grinned as Spiderman curled a fist.

He swung with all his might, connected with Alexander's belly, and held his hand there for a second. Pulling it back slowly, he set both hands on his sides and gave the alicorn the middle finger.

"If I had fingers too, I'd do the same, I'd do the same." Alex laughed as the chariot jostled. "looks like we're here. Come on, time to get-"

As he was reaching for the door, Spiderman stuck out his arm.

"The hell is wrong with you? You're just gonna walk out like some faggot?" He asked. "Hell naw, Spidey don't roll like that. You gotta be badass when you make an appearance. Watch."

Before Alexander could object, Spiderman launched himself through the roof, yelling as he went. Quickly going out, he caught him standing on top of the chariot, hands on his hips as he yelled out to the already growing crowd.

"Sup bitches! Surrender your booze and I shall let you watch me drink it!"

As the crowd saw who it was, they all suddenly started to shout angrily, some of the pegasai already getting storm clouds. In an instant, he jumped off and did a triple front-flip over them as they started to charge.

"Lolololo!" Spiderman laughed as they hit the chariot. "Run, run as fast you can, you won't catch me because your all dumbasses!" He laughed flinging his arms in the air.

"Spiderman! God dammit!" Alexander yelled finally intervening. Tackling him in mid jump, they both fell down to the ground. "Stop pissing off the townsfolk! That's Discord's job!"

"Get off me, or I start to blow the rape whistle!" Spiderman yelled. "I need an adult! Preferably a female with a big rack and ass!"

"If I let you go, just don't run off, alright?" Alexander asked.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever faggot." Spiderman said crossing his arms.

Alexander, unpinning the human, watched as he slid vertically up. Looking around, he waved at the crowd, they growled back before dispersing. Looking back at the blonde alicorn, he jumped onto his back as Alexander merely rolled his eyes and sat.

"Come on, giddy up." Spiderman said. "Maybe it needs a quarter...?" He said reaching into his pocket.

"Get off me, or else I'll be explaining to Celestia why I tried to reform a corpse."

"Lawl. OK, jerk off." Spiderman said jumping off him and onto a lightpost.

"Not even two minutes in town and you're already starting to fuck everything up." Alexander groaned. "You know what? We're starting your reformation now! Follow me, we're going to go visit someone."

"Is it the local dealer? 'Cause Upgrade still owes me ten kilos of pot." Spiderman said walking next to Alex. "And then Jerry, the guy at the local church, I owe him a shotgun shell to the face."

"You're not shooting anything, and you're certainly not getting drugs."

"Too late."

"What do you mean too-where do you keep getting this stuff!?" He hissed as Spiderman wiped away remnants of the cocaine on his arms.

"Lawl. I dunno." The hero shrugged.

Without saying another word, the two walked towards the closest residence Alexander had in mind. The Carousel Boutique. Spiderman, upon seeing it, ran up to the window and climbed on top of the building. Alexander merely stood at the bottom, watching as he climbed through the second story window. Looking towards the door, he waited for the scream, and he didn't have to wait long.

Going in, he did allow himself a small smirk as he saw Rarity throwing gems at Spiderman as he sat in a chair, playing with the drapes.

"Get out of here! You've done enough damage, you crude, ill-mannered, idiotic, tacky, spandex wearing hooligan!" She yelled.

"I'm Rarity! And I think this is just fabulous!" He said dodging a few sharp edged rubies. "Oh, green is such a horrendous color, here, I think red and blue would look much better."

"I think not! Alexander," she said suddenly catching sight of him. "Please! you must get rid of him! I can't work with him in my shop!"

"I can't; you see I'm reforming him." Alex said through his teeth. "He's here to help you."

"Bullshit!" Spiderman yelled.

"Shut up! You've got no say in this!" Alexander said.

"I do what I want!" He said standing. "Your not my real mom!"

"...I'd hope not."

"Me too faggot. So, the hell are we making white talking horse?" Spiderman asked shooting a web to the ceiling to hang there.

"Absolutely not!" She said. "You will not touch anything, breath on anything, nor will you be in my shop! I want you out!"

"Rarity," Alexander said. "If you let him help you, I'll... I'll... Let you use me as a mannequin for a day." He said closing his eyes and covering his ears for the immediate outburst that followed.

"I'll... Consider." She said slowly looking towards the wall crawler.

"Huh?" He said. "No horrendous, girly screech? No squeal and hug?" Alex asked looking down at her.

"Why, yes," Rarity said. "You are a unique stallion. So, I may be able to make other design's based off of you, that could fit Princess Celestia." She said.

"Celestia? Did she ask for a dress or something?"

"No, not yet anyway." Rarity said giving him a little wink. "Trust me, I'm sure you two will be the biggest hit ever since Princess Luna and Discord's wedding. I just hope it doesn't start like theirs... Although, I suppose it couldn't have been helped, with Pinkie being Pinkie and all."

"Whatever, now, I'll be in the bathroom throwing up my breakfast. The colors here are just now getting to me." Alexander said. "Spiderman, at least try and act less... Like a Spiderman."

"Kay." Spiderman said swinging on his web.

As he left the two downstairs, Spiderman slowly looked towards Rarity, turning like the hands of a clock as she sat down next to him.

"Alright, time to get started." She said taking a blue cloth. "Could you make yourself useful and hoof me the dark green wool?"

Silently, the wool was given to her.

Cutting it into a wave formation, she put it under the machine and kept her eyes focused on it as she sewed. Behind her though, Spiderman was working on his own project.

"Spiderman, could you pass me two sapphires and a ruby?" She asked receiving them. "You know, for how you acted before, I was expecting you to cause a ruckus. And... Urinate on everything again. I had to replace every piece of fabric in the shop for that."

"Couldn't find the bathroom."

"You were upstairs, where the bathroom is."

"I was drunk and high."

"No you weren't, I've seen Berry Punch at a party. You hadn't had anything to drink."

"I was drunk on life!"

"That hardly makes any sense." She said. "Could I have that saddle over there? The one with the small hood?"

"Kay." He said stopping his machine to go and get it.

The sound of the sewing machine off now, drew rarity's attention immediately. Seeing nothing on it, she let out a sigh as she realized none of her fabrics had been wasted.

"Thank-you! What did you do!?" She suddenly yelled as Spiderman gave her the requested items. "When did you make that!?" She asked pointing at his new cape.

He looked down at it, then to the mirror on the small stage. He flexed his arms, showing off the black outside of the cape nicely while the gold inside flashed as the light reflected off it.

"I dunno. I think elves did it." He said.

"Elves?" She said. "Elves. Elves! Of course it was elves!" She said giving a forced smile. "So tell me, what made them think of that design?"

"Like hell a bunch of candy cane mofo's made this!" He said grabbing the edges to lift them. "I made a cape! Because bitches love capes!"

"Well, I don't care for it. And do I even want to know what materials you used?" She asked rubbing her head. "I need something for this headache already."

"Congrats, you're not a bitch. If you were, you'd love this cape. Because bitches love capes."

"Well, that's-"

"So your a motherfucker!" He yelled. "Alex! Get your shit in gear, we're going!"

"I-In a minute!" Alex called from upstairs.

"Kay. I'll just go threw the door."

There was a flush and then a scrambling as Alexander ran down the stairs. He quickly looked around and sighed once he saw spiderman.

"Come on, we're going to see Pinkie." Alexander said.

"Kay. So long mofo!" Spiderman yelled leaning over Rarity.

As Alexander left, Spiderman took the opportunity to shut the door and then slingshot himself through it, leaving a trail of splinters as he blasted past Alexander and into a fireworks shop.

As Alexander stood in shock along with Rarity at the destroyed door, there was a sudden shrieking. Alexander looked towards the store and shut his eyes as it was engulfed in a flash, followed by a loud bang. Feeling bits of wood hit him, he risked a look and saw Spiderman flying out of the wreckage, sitting on top of a rocket and waving with one hand, while holding a cigar in the other.

"He is worse than Discord..." Alex muttered as the rocket smashed into Sugarcube Corner. "Aw, you've got to be kidding me!" He yelled running tot he store.

As he neared the bakery, he saw a sudden flash of light and the windows bend outwards slightly. Using his wings, he propelled himself towards it, and in seconds reached it and smashed into a fountain a ways away. Getting out of it with the top bowl sitting on his head, and his coat soaking wet, he ran back to the front of the bakery and slammed the door in.

Only to find Spiderman and Pinkie playing goldfish.

"Got any... Threes?" Spiderman asked looking up from his cards.

"Nope. Got any two's?"

"Bullshit!" He yelled throwing his cards in the air and wiping the table with a hand. "I call hacks!" He yelled pointing at her.

"What the hell was that!?" Alexander nearly yelled. "You just blew up a building!"

"I blew up a building under my name." Spiderman said. "Real estate motherfucker!"

"What's he talking about?" Pinkie asked bouncing behind the counter. "And why are you wearing part of the fountain? It's not Tuesday."

Raising an eyebrow at that, Alexander looked over at Spiderman for an answer.

"Smoke weed 'ereday." He said. "And you'll be just like me. Just not as swagadelic or handsome, or sexy."

"Or bat shi-"

"Hey Alex!" Applebloom said running in with Applejack.

"-Ite insane!" He finished looking at Appleboom as she stopped to stare at Spiderman. "Yes, he was the one who tied up your brother."

"That was some funny shit." Spiderman said.

"It was kinda funny seein' ya do that." Applebloom said. "It wasn't very nice though... Hey Pinkie!" She said running up to the counter.

"Alex, would ya mind tellin' me why that varmint is out of stone?" Applejack growled pushing her way past him.

"I'm reforming him as punishment." Alex said. "This is the worst thing I've ever done." He groaned taking the bowl off his head.

"Ah'll take your word for it." Applejack said.

As she went to her little sister, Spiderman was occupying himself by listening to more music from his Ipod. Alexander, sighed and just let him head bang. Glancing round, he noticed the scorch marks from where the rocket Spiderman had flew in exploded, and the few customers looking at the cape wearing rocker.

"So, do you want anything?" Pinkie asked sitting next to the alicorn. "You've got to want something?"

"I don't eat sweets." Alex replied laying his head on the table.

"What!?" Spiderman and Pinkie yelled simultaneously.

"I thought you were listening to music?" Alex asked Spiderman ho was taking the ear buds off.

"Lawl. The battery died an hour ago." The hero shrugged.

"Of course it did. And you," he turned to where Pinkie was. "Wait... Where'd she go?"

"Lawl. I don't know. She said something about cake or some shit like that. I'm thirsty, do you want any booze?" Spiderman said pulling out a bottle of vodka.

"I don't drink. The last time I did, I ended up breaking a warship from the docking locks, told a weasel to go fuck itself, stacked a few police cars like building blocks, stole a giraffe, and woke up in a me shaped crater in the sidewalk. What can I say? I'm a light drinker. And the doctor did say the serum he injected me with would have a strong, temporary reaction from alcohol."

"That's just a bitchin' drunkenness right there." Spiderman said. "Would have been better with roofies." He said uncorking the bottle and began to chug it.

As Spiderman chugged his ninety oz, Alexander caught a whiff of something that made his mouth water. Looking around, he noticed Pinkie was bouncing over with a cupcake, only, it wasn't coming directly from that. Getting up, he didn't give her a glance as he passed her, instead he went to the counter and the scent led him down. Craning his neck over it and behind to the bottom edge, he saw a jar filled with small biscuits.

Smelling them, he immediately stuck his muzzle in and pulled out at least three before happily chewing them. As he was getting another with his magic, he looked to his side when Pinkie tapped him on the shoulder, a confused look on her usual bubbly face.

"Alex... Why are you eating dog biscuits?" She asked slowly.

He stopped, mouth still full as he pointed at the biscuit currently suspended my his magic, she nodded and his eyes widened as he hastily spit the treats out.

"That's disgusting! Why are there animal treats under a bakery counter!?" He said wiping his tongue clean. "Disgusting!"

"Weiner!" Spiderman yelled out before throwing his empty bottle over his shoulder.

"Shut up!"

"Alex, if you wanted some dog treats, you could have just asked me to make some." Pinkie said giggling.

"No. I don't want any dog treats! Spiderman! We're going to Twilight's! Now!"

"Weiner!"

"I said shut up!"

Lighting his horn, Alexander teleported him and Spiderman to the library. Back at the bakery, Pinkie stared down at the dog treats, mulling over what just happened.

"I think I need to do some research." She said to herself. "Applejack! Do you want to go to Canterlot!?" She screamed.

Whispering Oak's Library

Alexander, appearing in the lobby alongside Spiderman, startled Twilight as she was sifting through the late returns. Seeing the sudden intrusion, she gave a startled yelp and fell off her chair.

"I'm deaf! I can't see anything!" Spiderman said walking up the wall. "Tell my hoes... Tell them that I forgot the money!"

"Get down!" Alexander yelled pulling the hero off the wall. "Twilight, are you alright?" He asked the lavender unicorn as she got up.

"Alex? Spiderman?" She said looking between the two.

"That's me." Spiderman said. "And this is my sidekick, asshole Jefferson."

"I'm not his sidekick, and that's not my name." Alexander said. "Twilight, listen, I'm reforming him, and he needs something productive to do; do you have anything for him to do?" He asked.

She merely looked between them, frowning ever so slowly. She opened her mouth to speak but she closed it immediately afterwards. Pulling up a chair, she sat down and leaned back.

"Alexander, get out of my library before I roast you. Because don't think I've forgotten what you did to my books."

"You're still not mad bout that? I was the victim!" He said. "Celestia was trying to flambe me!"

"And I will too if you don't get out in the net five seconds!" She said bolting upright. "Now get out!"

Sighing, Alexander lit his horn yet again and teleported himself and Spiderman away to the last pony in Alexander's mind. Appearing outside Fluttershy's cottage, Spiderman instantly ran up to the door and kicked it in, much to Alexander's annoyance.

When he entered, he expected Fluttershy to be passed out on the floor, but instead he saw her embracing Spiderman in a hug, much to the annoyance of Spike who was lounging on the small couch.

"Alright, did I miss something? Hey Spike." Alexander said trotting in.

"O-Oh, hello Alex," Fluttershy said immediately hiding behind her mane. "No. N-Nothing was happening."

"They were french kissing!" Spiderman shouted. "Fluttershy gets all the bitches!"

"Hey!" Spike yelled, face flushed from both embarrassment and heat he was keeping down. "I am not!"

"Lawl. Kay, you're not a bitch, bitch." He said.

Spike's eye twitched as a small trial of smoke began to come out from his slowly opening mouth. Fluttershy, seeing the potential conflict bout to erupt, went to his side and and closed his mouth.

"So, Fluttershy, do you have anything for Spiderman to do? Please, tell me you do!" He said putting a hoof to his face.

"O-Oh... S-Should I not say anything then?" She said making Alexander visibly flinch. "S-Sorry..."

"Is there anywhere you think I could take him?" He asked.

"Drugstore? Liquor store?" Spiderman said.

"That doesn't have any medicine or drugs, or booze, or anything he could get high off of." Alexander said giving him a weak glare.

"What about the fair?" Spike suggested. "You could jut give him off to the carnies."

"Spiderman, we're going!" Alexander said immediately. "Lets hope I haven't been kicked out from the last time I was there." He said lighting his horn for a spell.

Disappearing in a flash, they left Spike and Fluttershy alone again. As she looked back at him, she blushed slightly.

"So..." Spike said. "Do you think Alexander actually believes we were kissing?"

"I-I kind of hope so." She mumbled.

"What was that?" Spike asked.

"Nothing!" she squeaked.

Ponyville carnival

Alexander and Spiderman appeared in a flash beside a dunking booth. Immediately the owner put himself between his booth and the blonde alicorn.

"Relax buddy," Alexander said. "M girlfriend isn't trying to kill me right now."

"Just later. Lawl." Spiderman said.

"Lets just wander around and see if we can't find you a job."

"Please, ain't nobody got time for that." Spiderman said waving him off. "I'm just gonna go do something."

"And what, is something, supposed to mean?"

"Lawl. I don't know."

"I should have known."

"Come along, weiner."

He wanted to protest, but kept quiet as he followed the spandex, cape wearing man.

Looking around, Alexander noticed many of the vendors paying little mind towards his companion, rather, they were focused on the majority of children and couples going from stall to stall. Smiling a little at the happy sight, he passed Spiderman who had stopped and was staring to the side.

"The hell?"

Alexander looked back and immediately went to Spiderman's side. Looking at where he was, he saw a shady ice cream vendor giving a small brown colt with a propeller beanie an ice cream, and then when no one was watching, use his magic to nudge the scoop so it fell.

"That asshole." Spiderman said. "I hate Billy because he always got in my drunk bitch traps, but I never did that to him. I only bitch slapped the fuck out'a the little brat."

"Well, come on. It's not our business. I'm sure the authorities will catch him." Alexander said, watching as the colt went back up to the vendor and tried give him another three bits. "Even if he deserves to get punched in the face."

"Yeah, well now it is my business." Spiderman said leaping through the air.

Doing a front flip, he landed next to the brown colt as he was rejected. Standing beside the crying colt, he put his hands on his knees and bent down.

"Why do you shed tears?" Spiderman asked. "Why not gift the world with a smile instead?"

"W-What?" Button Mash said looking up. "W-Who are you?" He sniffed.

"Why are you crying, kid?" Spiderman asked bluntly.

"Because I dropped my ice cream and I'm a bit short." He said looking at the ground.

"What flavor was it?"

"S-Strawberry. Why? What are you gonna do?"

"Watch this kid," Spiderman said. "You'll be laughing your ass off."

Button Mash, watching Spiderman, saw him leap across the small gap and onto the top of the ice cream vendor's stall without a noise. Spiderman, while the stallion was looking the other way, leaned over the edge.

"Psst, buddy." Spiderman whispered.

"What-" the stallion said, not even getting to register shock.

"Surprise mother fucker!" Spiderman yelled punching the stallion out cold with one hit.

Getting down to the ground, he wiped his gloved hands clean and picked up a waffle cone. Bending into the tubs of ice cream, he scooped out two scoops and then sauntered over towards Button Mash who had a hopeful look on his face.

"Here ya go kid, one bitchin' ice cream, served by your friendly neighborhood drug dealer."

"T-Thanks!" Button Mash said taking the ice cream. "Thank you... Who are you?"

"Spiderman." He said before swinging away on nothing.

As Spiderman swung away, he landed in the throng of ponies, more specifically, back next to Alexander. Alex was grinning, Spiderman would have asked why, but he didn't give a fuck.

"Softy." Alex said.

"Dick."

"I bet you are." Alexander said. "So, seeing as how there is no way in existence I can reform you, I'll give you a target."

"So I can take the shot?" Spiderman said reaching into his pocket.

"No." Alexander said. "Listen for once, just go and beat the hell out of criminals. Can you do that?"

"Kay."

"Good, because now I can go home." Alexander said disappearing in a flash.

Celestia's bedroom

Celestia was sitting quietly on her balcony, waiting for her sister to raise the moon. As she saw the flash of her sister's magic from the other balcony, she closed her eyes and missed the flash of light as Alexander teleported in.

Alexander, looking around noticed Celestia on her balcony, not noticing how she was lowering the sun, he quickly approached her and wrapped her in a wing hug. Startled, her magic faltered and suddenly the land was plunged into darkness.

As they both silently sat there, Nightmare was cheering about eternal night inside Alexander's head.

"Alexander," Celestia said. "When Luna raises the moon, you're sleeping in the gardens as a statue."

"...What if I said I reformed Spiderman?"

"You actually reformed him?"

"Yes. He's fighting crime now."

"Good, good, so, what was the hug for?"

"Because I missed you. I've really missed you."

"Did he give you a hard time?" She asked turning around to hug him in the darkness.

"I wanted to kill him every time he spoke." Alexander groaned as the moon finally began to rise. "Finally. It's a bit bright tonight, isn't it?" He said squinting slightly. "But, it does look more... Artistic." He said staring up at it.

"My sister was always the better one at doing the night sky." Celestia said breaking from the hug. "I'll be in bed, you're welcome to join me for completing your task in a day."

"Yeah... Yeah." He said keeping his focus on the white orb in the sky.

As she went inside, he sat there, staring at it. A smile slowly formed on his face, just a small lazy one. And so he sat there, ignoring even Nightmare as she appeared in his vision.

Canterlot archives

Discord rubbed the bridge of his nose with his paw. Putting his avian talon and paw over his mouth, he leaned down on his elbows as he stared at the possible clues he had written down.

"Oh, Alexander," he said staring dejectedly down at the paper. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry this happened to you."

"What happened to Alexander?"

Turning around, he saw Pinkie bouncing in. Blinking momentarily, he cleared his throat and tucked the paper away as she caught a glance of it.

"Nothing Pinkie, nothing happened to him." Discord lied.

"Are you sure? Because he was scarfing down dog treats earlier." She said. "Why are you reading about lickenthropy? What is that?"

"Pinkie, it says lycanthropy. And, indirectly, I think you've just helped condemn Alexander even more." Discord said taking the paper out and scratching a sentence off.

"What's lycanthropy? Is it bad?" She asked pulling a chair up.

"Yes, it's horrible." Discord said. "Lets say if you got it, slowly your body would change. Become something else entirely at one point. Once the changes finished, every full moon you turn into a blood thirsty creature, with no other objective than to feed and kill."

"Is there a cure?" She asked glancing at the book.

"Yes. But it needs to be administered before the first full moon. And, if you were to contract it, say, four days before the full moon, the process would be sped up dramatically." He said. "Speaking of which, when is the next full moon? I forgot to ask Luna."

"... Four days." Pinkie said.

"You're kidding me?" He said staring wide-eyed at her.

"No. And, isn't it also Luna's birthday?"

"Oh, I don't know what I should be more afraid of. The fact my step-sister's coltfriend could be a lycan, or that I forgot my wife's birthday." He said laying his head on the table.

"Well, we don't know if he is a lycan." Pinkie said. "Shouldn't we run some tests? Like," she took the paper from him. "We could sell silver cups and have one fake one to see which one he grabs. Or, sell biscuits and have half of them be dog biscuits on a separate cookie sheet. Besides, we have plenty of time for you to make a plan." She said giving him a hug.

"You're right, thanks Pinkie." He said returning the hug. "Will you help me?" He asked.

"Of course! If my new friend is in trouble, of course I'll help!" She said.

"Thanks Pinkie, I can always count on you."

"I know, Discord."

Ponyville town hall

A lone figure stood on top of the dome, overlooking the town, he kept watch as the residents slept peacefully.

"Do not fear citizens, for I am the hero you need, the hero you deserve," the caped crusader said. "I am the night. I. Am. Spiderman."

Author's Notes:

It's been a while since I wrote Spiderman, sorry if it doesn't quite fit.

The next chapter will contain Nightmare Moon, Luna, and Discord. Nightmare is even closer to having her own body!