Deadpool Vs. Equestria

Issue #6

The Guest Room

Deadpool, after falling through Weasel's portal to Equestria, came to Ponyville, and after a bunch of explaining his reasons for existance, Pinkie Pie decides to accompany Deadpool as he ate at Sugarcube Corner. However, he was taken to Canterlot Castle to be assessed on his danger-level, and after apprehending a psycho, is labeled dangerous. He's been moved to Sugarcube Corner, and is now about to check out his room.

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Pinkie bounced over to a plain wooden door, which was next to a door that was decorated in a way that reminded him of nurseries. So! There IS a room with babies. Damnit. I'm gonna have nightmares.

"Here we are!" Pinkie said, opening the plain door. Deadpool took a look inside the room. Two of the walls were pink, and the other two were a light blue. There were some plain-looking chairs, a sort of office table, a couch, and a bed for one.

"Hm. Got pretty much all the things I need. Awesome." Deadpool said, satisfied.

"Super-duper! By the way, you good at baking?" Pinkie asked.

"Nope."

"Well, we can fix that!" Pinkie said.

"Nope, we can't."

"Why not?"

"The only use for a knife I need is either stabbing, slicing, torturing, teasing, or self-defence. The latter of which never really happens."

{He's right, you know.}

"At least wait 'till you're up to it then?" Pinkie said, giving him the puppy dog eyes.

"No."

Pinkie, still giving him the puppy dog eyes, pulled a picture out of her hair, a picture of a little kitten in a wrestling costume, giving the cute cat eyes to the camera.

"No... Wrestler Cats... my one true weakness!"

{I thought logic was your weakness.}

Shaddap.

"I... give... in!" Deadpool gave in.

"Okay! I'll wait no less than a year!"

"A year? Oh, cool."

[Don't bother trying to get away with it, she's just going to ask you until you give in to her request, far out.]

{Did you just hide the words 'Ask Her Out' in that sentence intentionally? Because the 'Far Out' kinda gave it away. Still, you raise a valid point. The hyper-active ones usually don't forget things they want.}

Oh. Okay.

"Anyway! I think I'll settle in!" Deadpool walked over to a couch, and sat on it, Lyra-style. "This hurts my back so much, I don't know why."

"Hm, maybe you should sit how we non-humans do!" Pinkie suggested.

"And when I get home-"

"If you get home." Pinkie said.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"You're welcome!"

"IF... I get home, I'll have gotten used to sitting like the horses in here do, that people will think I think I'm a dog. Because usually, only dogs sit on the ground, or occasionally couches, like this."

"You should meet the Diamond Dogs."

"No, I shouldn't, they sound like crystalline dogs who will shatter if I shoot them."

"Nope! They're dogs who're obsessed with getting diamonds, and once even kidnapped Rarity because she could find diamonds with her horn!"

{HAH! She got what was coming to her!}

[She hasn't done anything to us.]

She's annoying.

[Is she annoying in your fics?]

I try to portray them as they are in the show, so I don't make Rarity float about and say, 'HEY LISTEN!'

[Yet you haven't ever written any moments for Spike... not here, or in The Recluse... why?]

"Ah, I see." Deadpool said, breaking the argument between us. "...Are they violent?"

"Sometimes. Rarity was lucky she was such a good whiner." Pinkie replied.

{Ergh.}

"And I take it the dogs weren't lucky, then?"

"Indeed they weren't!"

"Ah huh."

...

...

...

...

...

(Ask her out.)

{WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?}

[Oh, hai, Red Box. Everyone, meet my brother. Red Box, White Box. White Box, Red Box. Red Box, Author. Author, Red Box. White Box, Author, Auth-]

{I KNOW WHO THE DAMN AUTHOR IS. What's confusing is... how come I'm your brother, but I've not heard of that brother?}

[Oh, he's a Carnival Reject.]

{Does that tell me anything about his reason for existance?}

[We-]

{Is it me, or has he gotten quiet?}

I got rid of him. We can only have 3 voices at a time.

[BRO!]

{Author, are these sequences more excuses for word-wasting?}

Um... anyway.

Awkward silence in the room. And Pinkie's still in.

"So..." Deadpool began.

"By the way, I've been meaning to ask you something." Pinkie said.

"What is it?"

"Anyone at home you miss? Friends, family, acquaintances?"

Deadpool sat and thought about it.

"Weeeelllll, there's Weasel. He's not a weasel, that's his nickname. He made the portal that got me here. See, you know how there's a show based on this place?"

"Yup!"

"Weeelll... he's a fan. And he was making that for me, probably. As further punishment.

{Oh, sure. Because Weasel's that evil.}

"Shut up, White Box." Deadpool and Pinkie said in unison. Deadpool blinked. "Err... did you just address the White Box to shut up?"

"Yup!"

"...Does that mean... you heard..."

"I only heard him say that sentence. Because, the Author decided it was funny."

"Ah. Right."

[I'm safe!]

"Safe from what?" Pinkie asked.

[AAAIIIIEEE!]

"He's cranky today." Deadpool 'explained.'

"Ah, right."

"So... yeah," Deadpool continued, "Anyway, there's Blind Al. Bit like a mother to me."

"Was she blind?"

"Yeah."

"You play some pranks on her?"

Deadpool wasn't comfortable talking about pranking with Blind Al. His idea of pranks at the time was rather... different, compared to Pinkie's.

STOP MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY, AUTHOR.

"From time to time. Anyway. There was also Outlaw. She was born in Texas, named Inez Temple. Like me, she was a mercenary, and she always spoke with that awesome accent. She had a nickname she hated, as well. Crazy Inez."

{I can just imagine her getting really mad, having one of those cartoon feelings that someone just called her that name.}

"And a whole bunch of other people. Although, there is one guy that I'd feel indifferent to."

"Who's that?"

"They call him... Wolverine."

"Ooh, is he the one from that Wolverine - The Equestrian Myth fanfic?"

"...DAMNIT, WHY."

"I guess someone's a fan. Don't worry, it's a new one. Kinda doing better than this, though."

"FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

"Sssshhhh." Pinkie said, putting a hoof over his mouth. "There are babies sleeping, y'know."

"Urrkaye." Deadpool said, his mouth blocked by a digit-less limb.

Pinkie let go of his mouth.

"So, yeah. That is my life, pretty much. Know anything about being away from home."

Pinkie nodded. "Yeah."

"Well, I shared my story, what's yours?"

Pinkie was silent for a moment, as if she was thinking about something.

"Well... I'd have an easier time telling it if it was about how I got my Cutie-Mark."

"Your what?"

"You know, the mark that you have on your flank!"

[She means the speech bubble you have on your flank, that we can see on the costume, disturbingly.]

"Oh, that thing? Huh. Can I see yours then?"

{Wow, you just raised the awkwardness level real high.}

"And how did I do that?"

{Ya do remember that a pony's flank is equivalent to a human's ass, basically?}

"Oh, I see how that can get awkward."

...

...

...

...

"Oooooohhhhh, right. ...Uh. Sorry."

Pinkie giggled. "It's okay!" She turned around a bit so he could see what was practically a natural tattoo on Pinkie's flank. Looked like two blue balloons and one yellow one.

"Ah. Well... how'd you get that then?"

Pinkie turned around to face him, and told her story. Basically, this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMlclV0Tmkc

"And that's how Equestria was made!" Pinkie Pie finished.

"Wha- huh?" Deadpool was confused. What story was this again?

{We heard that. In the video. Already.}

"Anyway..." Deadpool continued, "When did you leave your parents home?"

[And how do they use the rocks they made at the farm? What's more... how do you grow them!?]

Go to the corner, Yellow Box.

"Well..." Pinkie said, sounding kind of uncertain, "I left when I was 17! I was thinking of moving to Canterlot, but then I thought about it, and it's kinda big for a 17 year old to live in, so I moved to Ponyville! And Mr. and Mrs. Cake were kind enough to let me live there, and even bake there!"

"Hm. Your life certainly sounds a lot better than mine." Deadpool said.

"I wouldn't say that, then you'll get jealous!"

"...Ah huh. Anyway. Was there any moment when you were in Ponyville where you got really, really, really mad?"

"Well, there was that one time there was a book that got into Twilight's library, it was by an author who's anonymous, and that book wa-"

{EXPLETIVE DELETED}

[Er. What?]

{We said in The Recluse we wouldn't reference that fic again.}

[Why?]

{The Author's biggest fan decrees it.}

[But it makes for a good comedic thingy- wait, what was it?]

"Sorry, what was that?"

"I said the book was called Fluttershy's Dark Sky."

AGH! THAT'S EVEN WORSE!

{It is?}

Trust me... you don't wanna read it... I abandoned it soon after they mentioned what they do to statues...

{Now I'm curious...}

Goddamnit.

"And how does that cause problems for you?"

"Oh, just that it made all of Ponyville look like madponies... messed up story, really."

"Ah huh..." Deadpool yawned. "I'm... shleepy."

"Okay! I understand! Tiring day, awkward method for the Author to get back to his other fic!"

What

"Pretty much... well, see ya Pinkie."

"See ya!" Pinkie said, before departing via bouncing.

Deadpool looked around, and instantly fell asleep on the couch in a couch-potato pose.

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To be continued in the next issue.

{There is nothing witty here.}

It floats?

{That movie was funnier than scary.}

I know you're awake.

{Damn.}