“Octavia, I have a confession to make.”

I turn away from the television to look at Vinyl. Whenever she uses my full name, I know it’s serious. “What is it, love?”

She sighs. “I… I’m having an affair… with this new Red Hot Chili Peppers album.” She levitates the offending vinyl record in front of her.

I raise an eyebrow at her. “Uh… come again?”

Tears start to well in her eyes. “I-I-I’m sorry. I… I just couldn’t help myself! I’ve been waiting for it for so long and… and it came out today and it was looking at me so seductively at the record store… like it was calling my name… begging me to buy it… and listen to it… Listen to it hard… I’m sorry it… It was a moment of weakness!”

I roll my eyes and turn back to the television. “That’s wonderful, dear, just please listen to it quietly.”

The doorbell then rings. I look at Vinyl, cuing her to answer it. She stares at me. Vinyl, you’re standing up already… Oh, whatever, you lazy oaf! I grumble and get up. Opening the door, I’m genuinely surprised to see the pony on the other side.

“Eyo, Tavioso.” Moondancer greets casually.

I look around, as if expecting something crazy to pop out of nowhere. “Moondancer? Did… did you just use the doorbell like a normal pony?”

She gives me a deadpan stare. Imitating my voice, she says, “Oh, hello Moondancer, so lovely to see you. How are you doing?” Using her own voice, she continues, “Eh, you know, same as always. How you doin’?” She goes inside. “Anyway, me and Vinyl were just gonna listen to the sick new RHCP album that just dropped WOOOO!” The two hoofbump.

“Yeah we kinda have this tradition where we listen to albums while lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling in a dark room to fully immerse ourselves,” Vinyl says.

Moondancer nods. “Kinda like in that one scene from Requiem for a Dream... except with, y’know, less drugs.”

“However, expect tears… a lot of them… mostly,” Vinyl points to Moondancer, “from her.”

Moondancer glares at Vinyl. “What’s that suppose to mean?!”

“You literally cry every time we listen to an album from at least two songs each.”

Moondancer looks away. “Some songs are just so good and emotional, alright? And… some of them remind me of my pitiful life and get me thinking on what I could of been if I had just tried harder, but instead I am where I am because I don’t have the motivation to try harder even though I know I should, but I still can’t find myself to do it anyway so I just accept the halfway mark instead of the fullway mark. And a lot of those songs exploit that part of me.”

I put a hoof to my mouth. Vinyl quickly looks to me with wide eyes, expecting me to say something. Don’t look at me, I don’t know what to say! She just laid this on us so suddenly, give me a minute!

Vinyl, however, finds her words. “Are, uh… are you okay?”

“No.”

I pick up the conversation. “What do you mean ‘pitiful life’? Aren’t you the apprentice to a high ranking mage in the Ley Keepers? And don’t you go on a lot of missions for him to help make Equestria a better place?”

She rolls her eyes. “Anyone can do what I do; it’s nothing special. I just did it because I like beating the shit out of bad guys. I think it helps me cope with my problems. And that’s probably what I’m gonna be for the rest of my life. I’m not going anywhere. I can’t advance to Grand Magus. I mean, yes I’m a powerful unicorn, but power means nothing if you don’t know all the nitty gritty details that come with it. I can’t mathematically explain shooting fireballs. I can’t measure out energy conversions to find the right frequency that’s considered ‘efficient mana usage’. I just know I can level half this city before passing out if I wanted to.”

Her eyes narrow and her jaw tightens. “And then there’s Twilight Sparkle. Pompous bitch. How does she get to be a princess when all she does is go ‘Oh no! How could I ever beat this big bad guy! I don’t know! I’m so worried! I failed once in a battle so now it’s all over! Where are the friendship fairies when you need them!’ Like, Sweet Celestia H. Faust, get a fucking grip! You can’t break down like that every time there’s a crisis! Do you see Celestia going ‘Oh no! I’m so scared of the big bad guy!’ NO! She goes in there and starts fuckin’ shit up! In a crisis, you have to have a level head, period. For fucks sake, I can defeat Twilight one on one any day, Alicorn or not. And you know what? I thi--”

“OH GEE LOOK AT THAT, IT’S A RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS ALBUM! WHY DON’T WE GO LISTEN TO IT?” Vinyl screams, cutting off anymore ranting.

Moondancer blinks and moves the hair out of her eyes. “Oh. yeah, sure. Let’s go!”

I look between the two. Should I be concerned about Moondancer? Maybe I should let her cool off when she listens to that album. “Alright, then… you two have fun. Just keep the volume down, alright?” I walk back to the couch.

“You should totally join us, Tavi,” Vinyl quips.

I shake my head. “After that concert with these… Chili Peppers... I think I’ve had my fill of them for quite a while.”

“Gasp! You two were at Celestia’s castle?! Dude, I was, like, there too!”

Vinyl brings her hooves to her face. “Gasp! No way!”

“Yeah, way!”

“It was totally awesome wasn’t it?!”

“Fuck yeah it was! Best live performance of Can’t Stop ever!”

They hoofbump, again.

“Funny thing,” Moondancer continues, “I didn’t know about the concert until, like, a day before.”

Vinyl furrows her brow. “But… it was sold out for weeks. How did you get in?”

Moondancer gives her an annoyed look. “Hi, my name is Moondancer.” She disappears in a flash of light, re-appearing behind Vinyl. “I can fucking teleport.”

“Oh right… super spy assassin… or something.”

“Hold on,” I pipe in, “You attended the concert without paying? Isn’t that illegal?”

Moondancer is about to say something, but stops short. “I’m sorry, could you rephrase the question?”

I tilt my head at her, confused, but I go along with it anyway. “Isn’t that… wrong?”

“Try again.”

“Bad?”

She waves her hoof in circles. “Isn’t it against…”

Ah I get it now. “Isn’t that against the rules?”

“Screw the rules, I have magic!” she yells, her body bursting into light and disappearing. A hole then opens on the floor, and Moondancer levitates out of it with her forelegs folded over her chest as if she was in a coffin. The hole disappears, and Moondancer gracefully lands back on the solid floor.

There is silence. Vinyl claps.

“Thank you, thank you! I’m amazing, I know,” Moondancer says, her ego slowly growing to the size of the moon. “So... we gonna listen to this thing or not?”

Vinyl turns to me with begging eyes. “Please, Tavi? It’s not like how it was at the concert. This new album is a lot softer and mellow. You’ll probably like a few songs.”

I look at Vinyl, then to Moondancer, who is pointing to Vinyl’s studio while nodding and mouthing ‘yes’. I look back at Vinyl’s still pleading eyes. After so long, I’m still vulnerable to her begging gaze. I want to say ‘no’, but even if I do break free from her captivating stare, I’m certain I’ll end up listening to it anyway through the walls and/or through Vinyl’s singing for weeks afterwards.

They win this time.

I sigh. “Fine, let’s get this over with.”

“Aw yeah!” Moondancer cheers. “Oh, and if you, like, get furiously horny from the ear orgasm inducing songs, I’m totally fine with a threesome with some Chili Peppers in the background.”

I shake my head. Moondancer wouldn’t be Moondancer without the obligatory sexual advances. “No, Moondancer, that will not happen.”

“C’mon now, don’t ya wanna ‘ave a shag with ya mate, mate?”

“...”

She looks between Vinyl and I. “What… I-Is that like outdated slang? Do you not say that anymore?”

“I never say that. I’m not a Trottingham ruffian!”

She waves me off. “Pssh, point still stands. Shag, yay or nay?”

“No.”

“Aww.”

Vinyl shrugs. “I mean, c’mon Tavi. You can’t deny that there’s built up sexual tension between the three of us that won’t hold out for much longer.”

I gape at her. “Built up... Vinyl! What is wrong with you?!”

“Nothing. What’s wrong with you?! How could you say no to a threesome? That’s like… twice the pussy! Meaning twice the pleasure!” She pauses for a second. “Also, you’re blushing like crazy.” She turns to Moondancer. “We’re getting somewhere!”

I scoff. “We are most certainly not ‘getting anywhere’! And I’m not blushing! My face is red because I’m angry!” I bring both hooves to my temples, rubbing the side of my head to squelch my anger. Honestly, this has been going on for far too long, and I’m almost at my breaking point. Why can’t Moondancer find some other pony to fuー“Wait… don’t you have a boyfriend?”

“Yeah,” she says simply.

“A boyfriend which we have not seen or met yet,” Vinyl pipes, “so I’m still doubting his existence.”

Moondancer teleports between us with a stack of photographs. “Well, why didn’t ya just say so!”

Vinyl looks through the photos with a raised eyebrow. “Moondancer… these are just pictures of you… glued to pictures of Batman.”

She scoffs. “Same thing! Whatever…”

“Could we get back on topic!” I shout.

“Yes, I would love to,” Moondancer says. She then dons thick glasses and a large, feathery hat. “What are your terms?”

I rub my forehead. “First off: I want to know why you want to do… that while you’re in a relationship?!”

“Oh, that…” She shrugs. “Cus it’s, like, whatever man.”

My jaw clenches. “What does that evenーgrrrr!”

“Well basically, I disagree with society’s norm about having sex with a pony that’s not your partner while you’re in a relationship is an oh so terrible thing! I mean, yes, if I was being cucked, I wouldn’t appreciate it, and I’d probably do something that would warrant an arrest… But, I’m totally all for casual sex with friends for fun. ‘Cus you see, if you cheat on somepony, you’re doing it out of spite or because you don’t care for them anymore. What I have in mind is like ‘I still love ya Skips, I’m just having fun with my friends’. Like, if Skipper knew some chick before he met me and was like ‘hey babe I kinda wanna fuck my long time friend just for kicks’ I’d be like ‘dude go for it man and can I like totally join?!’. And that’s what we’re doing here… just a few friends wantin’ to bang… nuthin’ wrong wit that!”

Vinyl puts on a thinking face. “Mmmhmm… I like it!”

I am this close to smacking both of them! “I cannot believe the two of you! I will not listen to this adulterous conversation any longer!” I brush past them and storm off to my room. “You two can go listen to your Red Peppers album by yourselves, and so help me Celestia, if I hear a single peep from that room, it will be the last album you ever hear!”

I slam the bedroom door and plop into bed with the remote in my hooves. I turn on the television and flip back to the channel I was previously watching. Great, now I’m going to have to rewatch the whole show!

I swear those two are going to be the death of me. Vinyl’s antics don’t particularly phase me anymore, but when Moondancer get’s thrown into the mix, I sometimes wonder what went wrong in my life. Oh, yes… crooked managers and corrupt politics… that’s right.

Well, at least I can get in one episode before those two finish and sing at the top of their lungs to annoy me once again. I better get some whiskey for this to numb the headache.

No, I don’t have a drinking problem… it’s a solution when it comes to those two. I open a drawer from the bedside counter and pull out my emergency bottle. I hold the bottle up at the television. “Cheers, to me.”

(\/);,,;(\/)

“Rivers get connected so much stronger than expected, well,

Sick love comes to wash us away!

Prisons of perspective.

How your vision gets corrected and,

Sick love is my modern cliché!”

I want. To die. Or kill those two. Or both. I like both. It’s been almost an hour and, after drinking about a quarter bottle of whiskey, I’m still not drunk. Almighty Celestia, I think my worst fears have come to light: I’ve gained a tolerance for alcohol.

“I want to thank you and spank you upon your silver skin.

Robots don't care where I've been!

You've got to choose it to use it, so let me plug it in.

Robots are my next of kin!”

No matter how hard I stuff my head under multiple pillows, it does nothing to drown out their retched singing. I just want to know why they thought it was a good idea to burst into my room singing at the top of their lungs!

“We got large and we got small.

We got a swimming pool and a cannon ball!

We turn red and we turn green.

It’s the craー”

“WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP ALREADY!” That got them quiet. Good. I slowly get out of bed, staring directly at Vinyl and speaking in a simple yet decisive tone. “Vinyl… I love you, but if I hear one more song lyric, I will break every single record you own. So, please, could you kindly, shut up?”

She gulps, but nods.

I look at Moondancer. “Moondancer… you’re my friend, and you’re a good friend, but right now, if you ever want a chance to bed Vinyl and I, you will get out of this house now.”

Blinking, Moondancer sparks her horn and slowly phases through the floor, keeping eye contact until she disappears.

I sigh, rub my temples, and crawl back into bed. Vinyl stands beside me wide-eyed. “Did, uh… d-did you really mean that?”

I open one eye. “About destroying your collection?” I shrug. “Possibly.”

“N-no… the uh… other thing.”

I roll over to face away from her. “Heavens no, Vinyl! I just needed to say something that wasn’t a physical threat to make her leave, because Celestia knows how well physical threats work on her.”

Vinyl sighed. “Oh.”

There is a short silence. Great, now I might be able to get some sleep.

“Would, uh… would now be a bad time to ask about dinner?”

“Very.”

“O-o-okay, I’ll just, uh, order... pizza?” I nod, she makes her way out of the room. “I... love you?”

“Love you too, dear,” I mumble into the sheets.

“Alright, just... checking…” Vinyl goes to exit, then pauses. “Actually,” she continues, turning to face me, “you wanna go out dress shopping tomorrow? Wedding’s comin’ up soon, and we haven't picked anything up.”

I sit up. “That sounds like aーwait… don’t I have to do it alone?”

“Whatdya mean?”

I shrug. “Isn’t like bad like or something for you to see me in my wedding dress before the ceremony? So shouldn’t I be picking out a dress without you?”

She waves a hoof in the air. “Man, I don’t know. Does it look like I’ve been married before?”

I roll my eyes. “I’ll just go out with father to help me pick one. You can go with your mother to pick yours.”

“Oh, well, uh… I kinda wanted to wear a tux.”

I give her a look. “Why?”

She puffs out her chest. “Because I’m the man in the relationship!”

I stare at her with narrow eyes. “Just go order dinner,” I say while throwing a pillow. I make sure to keep eye contact the entire time.

She barely dodges the fluffy projectile. “Y-yes dear!” With that, she scurries out the door.

Once I’m sure she’s out of the room, I chuckle lightly to myself. Oh, Vinyl, what would you do without me?