Tooth and Nail

by totallynotabrony

First published 12th of October, 2012

Celestia swaps places with a woman. Also, nuclear war.

Suppose you found yourself in a strange body and on an unknown planet, with only a lonely dentist for company. What are you willing to do to get home? How hard would you fight? Does it matter if you're a princess or just a person?

Chapter 1

Equestria had been in turmoil for several weeks. Discord had laid a swath of chaos across the land. This time his absurdities had been terminated quickly with the help of six mares wielding the Elements of Harmony, although the Element of Laughter had complained bitterly about cutting short the availability of chocolate rain.

One thing had not returned to normal, however. Princess Celestia had not been seen since disorder had broken out. In her absence, her sister Luna had been coping as best she could with the daunting task of bringing things back to normal and managing Equestria.

Princess Luna watched out her window as the sun tracked its way across the sky. The blue mare's expression was grim as she turned away from the bright glare and closed the blinds. The sunlight was a reminder of her missing sister.

She turned to her paperwork for the day, doubled since Celestia had disappeared, when a sudden explosion shook her office. Luna was knocked back from her desk and temporarily blinded by a flash of light as bright as the sun.

The Princess peeped out from behind some of her furniture, magic charging and preparing for attack. Instead, there was an oppressive silence accompanied by a faint cloud of acrid smoke that hung in the air.

Luna edged out further into the room, mind whirling. The soldiers and magical wards should have stopped any kind of attack before it reached her office. That didn't mean she could let her guard down, however. The mare spotted something on the floor in front her desk that hadn’t been there before. As she watched, it moved.

The thing was covered in fabric of a mottled blue color. Its limbs moved and it slowly rolled over. “Josh, are you all right?”

Luna blinked and her ears swivelled forward in sheer amazement. It was one thing to find a never-before-seen creature that spoke a known language, but quite another to recognize its voice. She stepped forward. “Celestia?”

The creature raised its head from the floor, its eyes opening to reveal irises a familiar shade of violet. “Luna…Thank Harmony, I’m back!”

Princess Luna stared. Her sister—if that’s really who it was—had changed into a completely different life form. She had two long legs clad in trousers and some sort of boots. Her forward appendages were shorter and more delicate, with pale skin revealed under rolled-up sleeves. All her clothing showed the same strange blue pattern. The body’s form seemed vaguely apelike, with fingered hands and a flat face with no protruding muzzle.

“What happened?” asked Luna.

Celestia groaned in pain and fatigue as she grasped the edge of the desk and hauled herself up. It seemed that she was about as tall as before, putting her eyes a familar distance from the floor.

“It’s a very long story.” Celestia brushed soiled yellow hair out of her face. She looked at her hands. “I had hoped it might have a better ending.”

“We will find a way to turn you back,” Luna quickly exclaimed. She had no idea what magic she might be dealing with and hoped with all her heart she was telling the truth.

A pained look came to Celestia’s face. “That’s going to be very difficult, I’m afraid. I’ve already looked into it.”

“How? How do you do magic without a horn?” Luna examined the strange bipedal form again.

“It’s a limited kind of magic.” Celestia shrugged, a movement that wobbled her entire body more than it probably should have. “I’m so tired, Luna. I’m glad to be home.”

“I’ll call the maid service and get your bed prepared,” said Luna. “You’ve been away for weeks.”

“Honestly, the office sofa would do. Right now, I’m not picky.” Celestia looked around, spotting the window blinds that kept the sun from lighting the room. She gestured to it. “I see you’ve gotten over your fear of the dark.”

Her younger sister giggled. “That old joke? Oh, I don’t care. I’m so happy you’re back, no matter what you look like.”

Luna rushed forward. Her sister knelt, wrapping her strange arms around Luna’s neck. Celestia’s clothing had odors of smoke, chemicals, and—was that blood? Luna put aside her disgust for a moment. Reassuringly, underneath the other things Celestia smelled like herself.

From close up, Luna could see green, blue, and pink pastel colors in the roots of Celestia’s hair. It must have been dyed. Upon further examination, the tresses didn’t extend downwards like a pony, leaving the nape of her neck bare. The total length was cut short, about even with her chin. Combined with her strange attire, it made Luna wonder if perhaps her sister had been disguising some of her features.

“I missed you so much,” murmured Celestia, fingers running through her younger sister’s mane. Luna felt perplexed by the touch, completely unused to such digits.

“You really must tell me what happened,” Luna said quietly. “Also, who is Josh?”

“A friend.” Celestia pulled back from her sister and looked away, sadness and regret on her face. “The story, as you know, starts with Discord. He said that he would show me what real chaos looked like.”

Luna noticed her hurried change of subject, but didn’t comment. Celestia went on. “Discord exiled me to a different planet. I saw a lot of the place, and learned about even more. It was hard to take it all in. I’m getting ahead of myself, though. I first arrived in a city by an ocean. It was a place called Honolulu.”

Chapter 2

”Ha ha ha, oh this is great! Come on, Celestia, laugh with me.”

“Discord, where are you? Show yourself!”

“No, I don’t think I will, Celestia. Let me be completely frank with you. I want to try a little experiment. I want to know what it might take for you to see things from my perspective.”

“What, disharmony? Not a chance in Tartarus!”

“My, such strong language for a cultural role model. Tisk, tisk! You know Celestia, your problem is that you’re so used to always running the show. I’m just going to give you a taste of what things feel like when you aren’t in control. I’ll be sending you to a nice little place I heard about from the guys at the Chaos Club. Don’t worry, you’ll still be immortal. I might like to have a little fun at your expense, but I’m not a monster.”

“Discord, I’m warning you!”

“Oh, I just can't wait to see what you're going to do, Celestia! Will you try to create order from the chaos? Will you give in and just learn to live with it? Will you maybe even…enjoy it?”

“Never!”

“Lighten up, Princess dear. It’ll make everything easier. Learn to ride the wave instead of fighting it.”

“What are you—”

Sudden rushing blackness filled the Princess’ senses. As she fell, Celestia’s entire body was wracked in pain all the way to her core. It felt like her body was being ripped apart, which wasn’t very far from the truth.

Despite her resolve not to give Discord the satisfaction, her mouth flew open with a shriek of anguish that terminated suddenly as she landed on her back, something soft beneath her. Celestia gasped, slowly catching her breath.

The place she had ended up was dimly lit. There was a scramble of movement to her side, and a light suddenly turned on. Celestia blinked at the brightness, realizing she shared a bed with a strange-looking creature. It sat up and suddenly reached towards her. “Hey, what the—”

Celestia cast a stunning spell, purely by reflex. She was unable to focus it, however, and a wave of yellow light washed over the entire room. The creature beside her went rigid and its cranium whacked against the headboard.

Seconds passed. There was silence, and nothing moved. Celestia took a deep breath. She was safe, for the moment.

Her magic, while effective, had not been the concentrated, efficient burst Celestia had intended. She had expended a considerable amount of energy. Combined with her recent ordeal, the experience left her feeling lethargic.

Why had the spell gone wrong? Was something wrong with her horn? The princess reached up to touch it, feeling nothing but mane and…

She jerked back her—foreleg? Something felt really strange at its tip. Hooves did not provide very much tactile sensation, and the richness of touch at her extremities was unexpected. She held it up so she could see it and was surprised to find a fleshy claw-like paw had replaced her hoof. The same was true for her other foreleg, each one now sported long, very mobile and somewhat disturbingly tentacular digits. She wriggled them in fascination for a moment. Celestia stared at her new hands, infuriated that Discord would stoop to changing her body.

It was not the first time Celestia had experienced a transformation. After being around magic for millennia, it was one of those things that just happened. She took a deep breath, concentrating on turning herself back into her usual equine form.

Nothing happened. Celestia groaned inwardly. This body was not suited to magic at all! She lacked a horn to properly focus it and the overpowered stunning spell had taken a lot out of her.

The former pony sat up and put her hind legs over the edge of the bed and onto on the floor, where she saw they ended in flat, elongated feet. Things were already new and complicated enough without throwing a whole new way of movement into the mix! This would make something so simple as walking much more difficult.

She took a deep calming breath and looked around. The room was large enough for the bed, a few pieces of furniture, and a rectangular black device with wires protruding from it. And she was sharing the bed with what appeared to be a large, unconscious, and sparsely haired ape-like creature. A discreet glance confirmed that it was most likely the male of the species. She glanced at her own body and sighed. Female, of course! Just wait till I get my... hands... on Discord! she thought, furious. He’ll be begging to be put back into the garden statuary display!

On the nightstand on the far side of the bed was a wallet. Rather than taking time to figure out the mechanics of walking upright she crawled carefully on all fours around the bed and picked up the billfold.

There was an identification card inside. The picture matched the unconscious creature lying on the bed. His name was Joshua Tanner. Based on other data on the card, he was a member of the United States Navy. In bed with a sailor! Luna would laugh her head off.

Celestia shuffled through the wallet, finding some currency issued by the United States of America and some other cards with Joshua’s name on them. There was something with the words Band-Aid printed on it as welll as a few pieces of paper, including a business card that read U.S. Navy Dental Corps.

The wallet went back where Celestia had found it. She looked at Joshua. It seemed like he was going to keep sleeping for a while, so Celestia used the furniture to prop herself up. Rising unsteadily to a standing position on two legs, she braced herself on the wall and slowly made her way to a set of curtains that were leaking light around their edges.

As she pulled back the curtains, sunlight flooded in through a sliding glass door. Celestia wondered if the bright morning sun was hers. She reached out with magic, but couldn’t feel the star’s influence.

The room she was in was several floors off the ground. Celestia looked out over a strange city as her eyes adjusted to the light. The buildings were not drab, but also not as colorful as an Equestrian settlement. Far away was an ocean beach. Wanting a closer look, she slid open the door and stepped out onto a small balcony.

Seeing other balconies attached to other rooms made Celestia think she must be in some kind of hotel. The street below was paved and large vehicles moved along it. Quite a few of the locals were around, walking on the sidewalks and going into and out of buildings. It took Celestia a moment to realize that every single one of them was clothed and she was not. If it was their custom to always wear clothes, she was severely underdressed.

As Celestia quickly retreated back into the room, a second thought struck her. Their manes were all quite drab. None of them had anything like the pastel multicolored hair she saw flowing around her as she moved. She suspected it would look strange to them.

Celestia carefully made her way to the other end of the room where there were two wooden doors. One was open, revealing a darkened restroom. The second led to a hallway with other doors, reinforcing Celestia’s assumption of a hotel.

She sat down on the carpet of the room, crossing her legs into a comfortable position. Having nowhere else to focus her magic, Celestia concentrated on her fingers. She began putting together a communication spell similar to the one she used to send letters.

Celestia poured more energy into the magic, beginning to sweat as if the exertion was physical. She wondered if her magic was now very weak, or if it just took that much effort to reach her home from where she now was.

Ten minutes later Celestia was panting with exhaustion but still had not produced results. Reluctantly, she let the magic fade. It would take either more power or a different approach.

It felt like she needed a nap to refresh her energy and mind. Other than the fact that she was sharing a room with the mysterious Joshua, that sounded like a fine idea. Celestia walked into the bathroom, spotting the lock on the door. It was not much protection, but it would give her time to stun him again if necessary.

The bathroom contained recognizable facilities, their sizes and shapes suited to the resident dominant species. Other devices were around, attached to the walls and sitting on the counter. Celestia decided not to touch them.

There was a purse beside the sink. Inside was makeup, a small cardboard box labeled “colored contact lenses,” scraps of paper, and a few odds and ends. Celestia also found a card that matched the format of Joshua’s military identification. The name on it was Alice Scrivello.

Celestia took a moment to use the mirror. In comparison to her usual face, the eyes looked small and set to the front. Her lips were redder than the rest of her bare skin and sat below and separated from her nose. She held the ID card up, comparing it to what she saw in the mirror. The hair and eyes were different, but the face matched. She gritted her teeth in anger. Discord had not only sent her here, he’d put her in place of one the inhabitants. Judging by how she’d woken up in bed with Joshua, the two of them were probably more than just friends!

Replacing Alice’s card in the purse, Celestia took a moment to examine the body she’d woken up in. Compared to what she was used to, it seemed rather thin and elongated. She smiled briefly at the thought that she’d probably lost quite a bit of weight.

She yawned, reminding herself of the original purpose of entering the bathroom. Celestia laid a few towels down to add a small measure of comfort to the somewhat chilly bathtub. Closing the door put the room in darkness, but that was all right. She needed her rest. Stuck in a strange body, in a foreign hotel room, with a strange male ape, and having to sleep in the bath. She drifted off counting the myriad ways she could think of to make Discord pay.

The Sun Princess woke up in her own bed the morning after reappearing in Equestria. Luna had insisted that Celestia get some sleep only shortly after beginning her story.

The mare-turned-woman sat up, feeling rested. Her bed in the Castle was comfortable, although not much more plush than anything she had been able to find on Earth. During her time on the other planet, she’d discovered how much the inhabitants valued comfort.

Celestia didn’t think anypony would mind if she went naked, but the morning air felt a little chilly on her bare skin. Also, she was reminded that this body was not hers. To protect the owner’s modesty, she reached for the neat pile of clothes that had been laundered and left beside the bed.

She was just lacing up her boots when a maid quietly opened the door. The servant showed only slight traces of surprise under her professionalism. “Good morning, Princess. Are you ready for breakfast?”

Celestia smiled. There was a reason they only hired the best to work at the castle. Come Nightmare Moon, Discord, or the Princess being replaced by an alien, they could count on the maid service remaining unflappable.

“I’d like something to eat.” Celestia got up and followed the pony out the door. The Princess' steel-toed footgear clunked on the steps as the maid escorted her downstairs.

The breakfast table was laid with more variety than usual. Evidently somepony had realized that the Princess might require a new diet. As Celestia sat down, her younger sister appeared.

“I was so excited about your return, I could barely concentrate on the moon through the night.” Luna smiled and picked up a piece of toast.

“How have things been since I disappeared?” Celestia looked for some silverware. It was probably possible for her to eat telekinetically like Luna, but the amount of magic she’d expended to get home had left her feeling drained in ways that sleep could not replenish. One of the stewards helpfully appeared with a fork, knife, and spoon.

Luna chewed slowly and thoughtfully, considering her sister’s question. “We managed. It wasn’t business as usual, but things kept going.”

Celestia nodded, remembering the weeks and months that followed Luna’s banishment to the moon. Things hadn’t been quite the same, not until she’d returned.

“But, you’re back now.” Luna smiled. “I sent a letter to Twilight Sparkle last night. She said that she and her friends would be arriving on the first train.”

Her older sister also put on a smile, albeit a strained one. How would her favorite student react to seeing what had become of Celestia? She’d always been there for Twilight, solid and unchanging.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” said Luna. “I know you haven’t told me the whole story yet, but I’d like to know where the human female Alice ended up if you took her place on Earth.”

Celestia gulped. “I don’t know.” Her eyes grew wide at a sudden thought. “I suppose it's possible that she was transported to Equestria. Were there any reports of a strange pony that looked like me?”

"Oh!" Luna ears drooped and her expression grew sheepish. “About that...”

Author note:
I meant for the cover art to be a picture of the human-ized Princess making a sort of "WTF is this?" gesture. Sorry if it looks like something else. Stupid sexy Celestia.
Title, edits, and story ideas by Dafaddah
Thanks for reading! New chapters soon.

Chapter 3

The bathroom door rattled. A muffled voice called, “Alice, are you in there?”

Celestia was reminded again about the unexpected lack of a language barrier. She answered, “Alice isn’t in here, I can assure you.”

There was a moment of silence. “Alice, please open the door.”

Princess Celestia lay in the bathtub and considered her rather limited options. Perhaps if she simply didn't respond any further the creature named Joshua would lose patience and go away. A slow minute passed before a scratching noise began. The door moved slightly and then the bolt slid back. Joshua opened the door, a folding knife in his hand. He flipped a switch on the wall and light flooded the room.

Well, so much for the discretion option, thought the Princess. She pointed a hand at him. “Put down your weapon.”

He seemed surprised. “I just opened the door with it. I was worried there might be something wrong with you. And I really need to take a leak."

Celestia watched Joshua fold the knife and drop it in the pocket of a pair of shorts he had put on. He took a step inside the room and faced the commode. She couldn't help but blush as he unzipped something, and began to urinate into the ceramic bowl. “Alice, what’s wrong? Are we having an argument? And is that a wig?”

Celestia took a deep breath. At the very least this Joshua seemed friendly, if not particularly modest. He flexed his knees slightly and finished his business. He flushed, washed his hands, and lowered the seat cover, sitting down upon it. He still seemed friendly enough as he looked at her expectantly.

“I’m not Alice. My name is Celestia, Princess of Equestria. This isn’t a wig, it’s my natural color. I’m afraid there’s been a mix-up.” Celestia thought about standing, but realized her legs were asleep. She straightened them and attempted to massage the circulation into restarting, while keeping her eyes on the creature. Joshua leaned forward to help and she warned him back with another upraised hand. “Stop! Or I’ll stun you again.”

His eyes narrowed and he placed his hands over his upper chest. “Ouch! Now that hurt.” After a moment he grinned and lowered his hands. “I don’t see a stun gun on you, though.”

“It was magic.”

This time, his eyes displayed both surprise and concern. It took him a moment to respond. “Alice…I think you need help.”

It was obvious that he didn’t believe Celestia. In fact, it was likely that she had merely made him think she was crazy. Well, there was no point in letting the confusion continue. Celestia concentrated and an apple-sized orb of bright light appeared, floating above her open hand.

Joshua stared in amazement and reached forward as if to touch it. Celestia stopped him with a gesture from her other hand. “Don’t come any closer or I’ll use this on you.”

Celestia got the reaction she had hoped for: he leaned away and raised both hands open wide, with the palms facing her. She assumed this gesture indicated compliance. She let the ball of light fade, managing to keep off her face any indication of how much effort even a simple trick like that had required.

Joshua now had a completely different expression on his features. It looked like he no longer knew what to think. Celestia decided the time was opportune to take the initiative. “Joshua, please tell me where we are.”

He looked confused, unsure exactly what she meant. “In the Hilton?”

She raised an eyebrow.

“Uh…Hawaii?”

“And what is Hawaii?” she asked.

“It’s a couple of islands in the middle of the ocean. You know, the fiftieth state, where pineapples come from.”

Celestia nodded, ignoring his sarcasm. “Which ocean?”

“The Pacific.”

Celestia knew intimately the geography of Equestria and that of nearly all of the world surrounding it, as well as the names of all these places in many local languages. There was a chance she might not have heard of an island chain, but it was highly unlikely that she might be unaware of an entire ocean. This was clearly not the same planet, and that would certainly explain why she was unable to contact anypony.

“I’m going to go call you some help.” Joshua got up cautiously and began backing out of the room.

“I’m sorry that you had to be involved,” said Celestia, “but nopony other than us can know about this.”

He stopped at the door. “Nopony?”

“That’s what I said, Joshua.”

“Call me Josh.” His eyes narrowed. “I’m probably going to regret this, but tell me more. You clearly believe what you’re saying and that thing you did…”

“Magic,” said Celestia.

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I don’t know if I believe that.”

“Do you want another demonstration?”

“No!” Based on Josh’s reaction, it seemed that magic was something new and strange for him. This had huge implications on what she could do in public, and pointed to some advantages she might have if her situation grew desperate. Celestia made a mental note. She grabbed the edge of the bathtub and struggled to her feet. Josh’s eyes we drawn downward.

“What’s that?” Josh asked. Celestia followed his gaze to the side of her hip. There was a mark there that looked like a faint bruise, although it was in a familiar shape.

“It’s a cutie mark,” she told him. “Usually they’re more brightly colored.”

He shook his head. “Put some clothes on and then we’ll have a conversation. You’re harder to take seriously when you’re naked.”

Princess Celestia sat by the window of her private chambers. Luna was still handling the sun. Her lips tightened with emotion. She felt useless while not being able to perform the duties expected of her.

Celestia had mixed emotions regarding the visitors that would be arriving soon. Other than her sister, the bearers of the Elements of Harmony were perhaps her best friends despite the age difference. She was happy they were coming, but somewhat apprehensive about their reactions. The letter Luna had sent to Twilight had been rather vague about Celestia’s condition.

The door opened and six mares entered. The castle guard-pony escorting them took his leave, closing the door. The Princess moved away from the window, the only sound was that of her steps.

“My little ponies, it’s good to see you all,” Celestia said, breaking the awkward silence. She gestured to the arrangement of cushions she had had placed in a circle for her guests.

As they tentatively walked to their places, her visitors didn’t seem to be able to string together complete sentences.

“How are you...

“It’s been so long…

“Your outfit is so…

“It’s good that you’re back…

“Mighty pleased to see ya…

“Hope you don’t mind that we brought Spike along...”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Come on, it’s like you’ve never seen somepony swap bodies with an extraterrestrial before.”

Nopony seemed to know what to say, until the little dragon approached her.

“Finally, I’m not the only one on two legs in this crowd!” said Spike, beaming up at the Princess.

Pinkie Pie laughed and the rest of them joined in.

“It’s an interesting body structure,” observed Twilight Sparkle. “How do you balance? I can’t tell how the leg is articulated with that clothing.”

“The ensemble is rather unusual,” agreed Rarity. “The tailors of the place where you visited must have some strange ideas.”

“What’s that say?” asked Rainbow Dash, squinting at the tags sewn to Celestia’s blouse. “What’s a Scrivello or an USNavy?”

“Navy?” said Fluttershy, smiling suddenly. “Were there a lot of sea creatures?”

“It wasn’t a world covered in water, was it?” asked Applejack.

Celestia held up her hands, another human gesture eerily similar to pony body language, which quieted the group of ponies just as it would people. “I understand that you’re all very curious, and I appreciate your concern for me. Perhaps I’d better tell you what led up to this.”

The Princess suggested refreshments, and the circle of visitors sat down as the kitchen staff brought in a teapot and snacks. Celestia told them everything up to when she had first crawled out of the bathtub.

“Nakedness is a social taboo there?” observed Rarity.

“Indeed,” answered Celestia. “In many places it’s illegal.”

“So these men and women all look like you, save for the obvious gender difference?” asked Twilight.

The Princess shook her head. “No, there are quite a few variances in color, size, and shape, not to mention the individual things they do to make themselves unique.”

“With all those differences, they probably have a lot of different sports so that all of them can play,” said Rainbow.

Celestia thought it was very astute of her. “That’s correct, although I’m afraid I didn’t view very many while I was there.”

“What about the animals?” asked Fluttershy.

“There are a lot of familiar ones, actually,” said Celestia. “Things like dogs and cats. Josh took me to the Waikiki Aquarium to see hundreds of different kinds of sea creatures.”

“It sounds like it’s actually pretty similar to Equestria,” said Applejack. “The language, the pets, the cities and stuff.”

Celestia nodded. “The similarities made the differences all the more striking.”

“Surely they party the same?” asked Pinkie.

The Princess laughed. “That’s a whole story in itself. I’ll tell you about that later. Now, I have a few questions for you. I told you about Josh’s girlfriend Alice. It’s my theory that she was sent to Equestria when I took her place. If that’s true, we need to find her.”

“What does she look like?” asked Rainbow. “Still a human or converted to a pony?”

“Most likely she arrived in the shape of a pony. Luna thinks she may have a few clues about Alice's whereabouts,” said Celestia. “There were reports of a mare roughly matching my description in the Ponyville area during the time Discord was sowing chaos.”

“Ah think I remember somethin’ about that.” Applejack put a hoof to her chin thoughtfully. “What happened to her?”

“Well, she apparently claimed Discord had told her that she was the new Princess ruler of Equestria,” Rarity recalled the gossip that had ensued. “Being that she was clearly not the real Celestia, didn’t seem to know anything about Equestria, and didn’t even have a cutie mark, I believe most ponies in Ponyville simply ignored her.”

“I dunno,” said Pinkie. “I remember some ponies thought she was trying to play a joke on them.”

“Yeah, I heard that she got so mad nopony believed her that she galloped out of town,” added Rainbow.

“Where did she go after that?” asked Celestia. Her visitors looked at each other, none of them seeming to know.

The Princess sighed. “I’ll get a team from the Royal Guard working on it. I’m lucky I had Josh to help me along without making a fool of myself on Earth. It’s my hope Alice encountered a kind pony to lend her a hoof.”

“Princess Luna mentioned you arrived in an explosion of some kind,” said Twilight. “What happened to Josh?”

Celestia’s face took on a grim look. She took a deep breath and recovered her usual calm expression. “Before I talk about that, you have to know a little more about the situation I was in. My little ponies, I need to tell you about Ronald Reagan.”

The late afternoon sun slanted through the windows of the office. The customers were gone for the day, and cleanup was almost finished.

Colgate collected dental tools and placed them in the sterilizer to be cleaned overnight. Her assistant finished organizing the supplies and the two of them walked to the door.

“Good job today,” said Colgate locking up.

The other mare nodded. “Thank you, doctor.”

“See you tomorrow, Alice.”

Chapter 4

"... and so the brassiere is designed to restrict the movement of these chest appendages on females. Why is this necessary?" Celestia sat cross-legged on the bed, looking expectantly at Josh. His mouth opened and he struggled for several seconds to find something to say.

“Uh...hormones.” He shook his head. “Just put it on, okay? You’ll draw attention from everyone, myself included, if you don’t.”

Celestia got the message, although it was somewhat amusing to see Josh uncomfortable over something that seemed so trivial. She figured out how to wear the bra and associated panties. Josh passed her a shirt and denim trousers.

Once she was dressed, Josh said, “Okay, let’s start over. I want to make sure I understand everything you’re telling me. You aren’t Alice, you’re…”

“Princess Celestia of Equestria, leader of the ponies.”

He sighed. “You’re here because…”

“Discord, the Spirit of Disharmony, escaped from his prison and expelled me from my own planet.”

“You look like my girlfriend Alice…”

“For some reason Discord seems to want me to somehow fit in with human society. I assume this is part of his plan to force me to experience chaos. Discord apparently enjoys spreading havoc across multiple worlds.”

Josh shook his head. “This is insane.”

The last thing Celestia needed would be for Josh to think he might be going crazy. She tried to get him to open up a little. “I would like to know more about you.”

“Josh Tanner, Lieutenant, USN. I come from Elko, Nevada, United States of America.” He rolled his eyes. “Planet Earth.”

Josh had already explained the concept of states when she had asked about Hawaii being the fiftieth. Celestia asked, “Where is Nevada? How did you get to this island?”

“It’s on the mainland. You and—I mean, Alice and I sailed here.”

“How far is it?” asked Celestia, keeping the conversation going.

“From one shore to the other is about twenty-five hundred miles, about a tenth of the way around the planet.”

Celestia’s eyes widened. “I’m afraid that miles don’t mean anything to me, but if the size of this world is similar to mine then that must have been quite a trip.”

Josh shrugged. “It took just a couple of days. The carrier is pretty fast.”

“Carrier?”

He sighed. “That’s going to take a lot of explanation. Once I explain that it’s short for aircraft carrier, you’re going to want to know about aircraft, which might require me to explain heavier than air flight, and it’ll probably devolve into a give-a-mouse-a-cookie scenario. I really think it would be easier to just show you.”

Celestia wanted to ask about the aforementioned scenario, but got the feeling that Josh might not respond well. He put on a shirt and some loose footwear held on by straps, pointing to another pair that seemed sized to fit Alice’s feet. After picking up a small card, he escorted her out into the hallway and down to the end where there was a window.

A large grey shape could be seen anchored in a harbor that the window faced. Celestia would have thought that it was a building based on its size and shape, but buildings typically did not float.

“That’s an aircraft carrier,” said Josh. “Specifically, USS Ronald Reagan, named for a former President of the United States. It’s here in Hawaii for a week before setting sail for the western Pacific. While we had time, Alice and I got a hotel room together.”

Celestia smiled. "Somehow I get the impression this is not quite conventional. Is that allowed, considering you’re... coworkers?”

“It’s…not encouraged,” admitted Josh.

Celestia thought for a moment. She didn’t like the idea of being stuck here, but it was best to be prepared. “What will happen if Alice isn’t back before you have to leave?”

“You have her ID,” said Josh. “The military police will coming looking for you.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Then I’ve convinced you that I’m not actually her.”

“No you haven’t! Magic tricks are hard to swallow, but you’re telling me that you used to be a pony princess from another dimension? Alice…Celestia, I don’t know what to think anymore.”

Celestia tried to think of a way to calm him down. The uncomfortable silence was broken by Josh’s stomach growling. He glared at his midsection for a moment, took a few deep breaths and appeared to suddenly change his mind. He looked up at Celestia. “Are you hungry?”

Celestia breathed a sigh of relief, and noted yet another interesting similarity between the males of their respective species.

He turned away. “Come on. I need to shave and get my wallet.”

At the entrance to the room, Celestia watched him slide the card she’d seen earlier through a slot in the door. A green light flashed and the door unlocked.

“What is that?” she asked.

“An electronic lock.” Seeing her confused expression Josh asked, “You know, electricity?”

“I’m familiar with it,” said Celestia. “However, it’s not in common use in Equestria.”

“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic,” said Josh, sounding as if he was quoting something.

“How do humans use electricity?”

“Well, for practically almost everything that needs powering.” Josh gestured at the bedside lamp, which appeared to be tethered to a port in the wall by a cord.

Josh grabbed his wallet and went into the bathroom, closing the door. A high-pitched buzzing noise began. Celestia had never heard shaving like that, but perhaps humans had a special method. As she waited, she examined the outlet on the wall. It was not large enough to stick her finger in, but perhaps a fingernail.

The buzzing stopped and Josh opened the door just as Celestia was about to touch the plug. He had already finished shaving. “Come on. Let’s go downstairs for breakfast.”

They boarded an elevator and descended. The doors opened to reveal an ornate foyer. Celestia was surprised by a familiar smell: the sea. Looking around the ground floor of the hotel, she realized that the view from Josh’s room was not one of the better ones. The hotel was located right on the oceanfront, but she hadn’t realized it until then.

A restaurant called Rainbow Lanai was attached to the hotel. A sign advertised a breakfast buffet. Celestia was familiar with the concept, but not with some of the food.

Seeing her confusion, Josh began loading her plate with various things. Celestia asked, “How do you know what I will like?”

He shrugged. “You’ve got Alice’s taste buds, right?”

At a table, Celestia examined the food in front of her. She recognized eggs, although ponies typically did not eat them without being mixed into baked goods. She was happy to see an abundance of fruit. A few oily strips of something that was a dull red color baffled her. She was hungry, however, so she started in.

Everything was wonderful. Josh named each dish as she asked about them. While Celestia had already guessed that humans were omnivores, she couldn’t afford to be picky. She doubted that people would eat anything sapient, and didn’t want to know exactly what everything was. If she was going to find a way to get home, she would need all the energy she could get. Especially from bacon. The greasy stuff probably had lots of calories.

Shortly after thinking about energy conservation, Celestia took a sip of orange juice, idly hoping that it might be colder. She had no sooner thought it than it happened.

She put the glass down, touching it with the back of her hand. Yes, the temperature had definitely dropped. Warmth was energy, right? Had she somehow drawn it out of the juice? Josh had gone to get more food, and she touched his coffee cup. This time, Celestia actually felt the trickle of energy being pulled from the beverage. It wasn’t a large amount, but the realization that she could draw power from the environment was a huge breakthrough.

When Josh came back, he sputtered in surprise after sipping his cold coffee. Celestia managed to keep a straight face. He put the cup down and pushed it away. “We need to talk about what what will happen next.”

Celestia nodded. “Let’s do that. I want us both to understand what’s going on.”

“The ship leaves at the end of the week. We need to get Alice back before then.”

So, he finally believed her. “I want that as much as you do, but I don’t know if that’s possible,” Celestia told him.

“Could you...pretend to be her? Please?”

She ran her fingers through the different colors in her hair. “It might be difficult.”

“There’s a hair salon attached to the hotel,” said Josh. “You need to get it cut, and all of it dyed.”

“All of it?” Celestia frowned. “I thought the purpose of underwear was to keep people from seeing that part of me.”

"Arg!" Josh covered his face in exasperation. “Yes, all of it. I’m trying not to take chances here.”

Celestia was silent for a moment. “All right then. What do I need to know about being your girlfriend?”

Josh sighed. "This is going to take a while."

“Alice...”

“Who wants to know?” The woman looked around, seeing only blackness.

“Ah, that’s not important right now. What you need to know is that you’ve been selected to be the new Princess of Equestria! Congratulations!”

To a fanfare of unseen brass horns, the darkness pulled away, and Alice found herself standing on a hill overlooking a rustic town. A very strange creature that appeared to be put together from multiple animals’ parts stood beside her wearing a huge grin. “Hi, nice to meet you.”

Alice took a step to the side in surprise, tripping over an extra pair of legs she didn’t know she had.

The patchwork creature chuckled and stood her up. “Sorry about that, forgot to tell you about your transformation. It's all part of the process. How could you be the Princess of the ponies if you're not pony yourself, right?”
“I'm a pony?” Alice looked down at her hooves and then over her shoulder, spotting a tail of a familiar blonde color and an unexpected pair of wings. "A pony with wings," she corrected, “some kind of pegasus?”

Laughing, the unusual being tweaked something on her head. “Nope, you’re the Princess of the ponies, like a pegasus and a unicorn. Bit heavy on the accessories if you ask me, but it comes with the job.”

Alice shrugged. It was shaping up to be a weird dream, but she saw no harm in going along with it. The two of them walked towards the town.

“There is a bit of a problem with your name though. Alice is, we'll, just Alice. Princesses need something more dramatic. I've got it! How about you call yourself Princess Drocsidia? Drocsidia! It just rolls off the tongue doesn't it? Oh, and make sure you tell them that you’re the new leader of Equestria.” Alice’s mysterious helper began to disappear, leaving only his crooked smile. She thought the reference to Alice in Wonderland was a little overplayed.

“What’s your name?” she asked again.

The smile widened before winking out. “Discord!”

Alice advanced into town apprehensively. Getting used to four legs was not as difficult as she expected. Her childhood crawling instincts were sort of applicable. Several residents of the town were about. They seemed fearful of something. Alice put on a confident smile.

“Hello everyone! I’m Princess Drocsidia, and I’m your new leader.” She looked around. The ponies did not return her enthusiasm.

“Princess?” asked one.

“That’s me,” she replied. “What do I do around here?”

The crowd of ponies traded glances. One of them called, “Make the sun and moon work.”

“Hold court in Canterlot,” added another.

“Ride around in a chariot,” suggested a third.

Alice shook her head. “Discord said—”

“Well, there’s your problem,” a pony broke in. “Who are you, anyway? Where’s your cutie mark?”

“My what?”

"Where are you from?"

"Uh, the United States?" said Alice, rather lamely.

A group of townsponies began to close in around her.

“Probably one of those weird things Discord created.”

“Poor mare doesn’t even know she’s talking crazy.”

“She looks like a bad copy of Celestia.”

Confidence suddenly gone, Alice began backing away. She slowly picked up speed as they kept moving towards her, eventually breaking into a run.

Alice heard a familiar chuckle as she galloped out of town but did not see Discord. She shouted, but he didn’t answer. Realization began to settle over her. This was no dream. It was a nightmare, but not the kind she could wake up from.

Hours later, Alice had tired of running and found a place to lie beside the road. While she wasn’t crying, it was only sheer force of will that held the tears back.

The sound of hooves made her raise her head. A unicorn colored various shades of blue came along, stopping to stare at her with concern. “Is something wrong?”

“I’m tired, hungry, and lost,” grumbled Alice.

“Well, I can tell you where you are, and did you know that you’re lying in grass?” The voice sounded female.

Alice blinked. Eating grass hadn’t occurred to her human mind. Sensing her hesitation for something else, the mare laughed. “Yeah, I know, it’s just not the same as hay fries. Still, getting it the natural way is good for your teeth.”

A mark on the unicorn’s hip that looked like a toothbrush drew Alice’s eyes. She asked, “So you know something about teeth?”

“Sure. I’m Doctor Colgate, the dentist in Ponyville.”

“Alice Scrivello, United States Navy Dental Corps.”

Colgate raised a hoof, and Alice touched her own to it, kind of like doing a brofist. The blue mare said, “I haven’t seen you around before. Are you looking for a job?”

Alice thought for half a second. “Yes.”

The alarm clock rang, jolting Alice out of her slumber. She untangled herself from her blanket and shut it off. She’d slept on the floor, still saving money for a bed. It was not great sleep, although probably better than if she was still a human and trying to sleep on the rough boards.

Alice sat up and yawned, stretching her long legs and wings. Navy Officer Development School didn’t cover what to do when you were turned into some kind of magical pony. Through her own resourcefulness and the kindness of the local dentist, Alice had managed to scrape together some kind of existence.

The question of how she was going to get home was still at the forefront of her mind. Unfortunately, Colgate did not seem to know much about such things, and Alice didn’t want to push the issue too much. Getting shunned by the town again, this time for claiming to be from another world, was not something she wanted to happen. Figuring out what had happened to her was neither fast nor easy.

Alice checked her short blonde mane in a small mirror. As a woman, she’d typically worn blue contact lenses over her brown eyes, but those did not exist here. She hadn’t used many other cosmetic products, and did not miss them.

She was still getting the hang of magic. Picking up her smock and putting it on still took effort. The covering was the standard uniform at the dental clinic. It was the largest size available, and only barely fit. For some reason, Discord had turned her into the largest pony she had yet seen.

The cloth also served to cover her hip, which was blank. All mature ponies had cutie marks, and Alice had learned from her very first visit to Ponyville that she was conspicuous by not having one. Her wings were also concealed, which helped her blend in. She had seen pegasi and unicorns, but no other ponies with both.

She went out the door. The house—really more like a shack—stood away from town in a thicket of trees that had grown up around it. The building was very old and looked it. That was why the rent was so cheap.

Alice walked into town. She still drew a few looks, probably due to her size, but none of the residents of Ponyville seemed to recognize her as the misguided pony who thought she was Princess.

The local bakery, Sugarcube Corner, was unusually quiet as Alice passed by. She didn’t see Pinkie Pie there, and figured that was why. Mr. and Mrs. Cake, the owners, were having a conversation as they prepared their wares. Alice caught the words, “Princess Celestia.”

Celestia had disappeared without a trace at about the same time Alice had appeared. Perhaps that was who Discord had been trying to replace. He hadn’t tried very hard. The thought had occurred to Alice that maybe she’d traded places with Celestia. That would be terrible for both worlds.

Alice quashed her thoughts about home. She wanted to get back there to be sure, but she couldn’t afford to be emotional about it and make a scene. She did allow herself a few memories of Josh, however. What was he doing without her?

She pushed open the door of the office. Colgate smiled and said hello, giving the daily checkup list to her. Alice put on a facemask for sterile protection and went into the exam room to see her first patient of the day. A small filly with a pink bow in her mane waited nervously. Alice remembered her name from the chart. “Hello Apple Bloom, how are you today?”

“Ah’m okay, Ms. Alice,” said the filly, spotting her nametag. She had a bit of a country accent. It was remarkable how similar it was to something Alice could hear on Earth.

“Let’s have a look. Open up, please.” Alice picked up the mouth mirror. Her control over small instruments seemed to have developed nicely, otherwise it would have made her job impossible. “Well, I don’t see any cavities.”

Apple Bloom smiled as the tool came out of her mouth. “My sister says an apple a day keeps the doctor away!”

“Your sister?”

“Yep, Applejack. She went to Canterlot today. Princess Celestia might be back!”

Alice paused in surprise. She resolved right then to visit Canterlot and finally figure out what had caused her to wind up as a magical pony. She prayed more fervently than she ever had in her human life.

And please, God, no white rabbits, doormice, or mad hatters.

Chapter 5

Celestia ran her fingers through her hair. Most of it had been hacked off and stained yellow.

“You look good, especially with the contacts in,” said Josh. He smiled but his eyes still looked sad as he gazed at Alice. He got up from his chair in the waiting area and took out his wallet, removing a card. Celestia watched the teller swipe the card through a machine and give it back to him.

The two of them exited the salon. Josh saw her looking at the card as he put it back. He explained, “It’s an electronic payment system. The card has my information on it so they can send me the bill.”

“Alice would probably mind if I spent her money,” Celestia mused.

“Well, when we get back aboard Reagan, everything you need should be paid for.” Josh shook his head. “I still can’t believe I’m trying to sneak an alien aboard a US Navy ship.”

“Tell me about it,” asked Celestia. Josh nodded and said nothing. She prompted, “Well?”

“Huh? Oh, sorry, I thought you meant ‘tell me about it’ as if you were agreeing.”

It seemed like a strange turn of phrase to use for agreement. Celestia resolved to be more careful of what she said.

Josh went on. “The United States has ten other carriers. They each house about ninety aircraft and weapons for them to use. Alice and I work in the on-board medical facilities, which also includes an eighty-bed hospital.”

“Logically, I would think that something called an aircraft is used for flying,” said Celestia. “But why place them on a ship? Can they not fly to where they are needed?”

Josh shrugged. “Well, it’s still a big planet. By sailing closer to the action, we can respond quicker. That’s why the carrier has to be so big and have so many people. It’s basically a military base that moves. It needs everything you’d find on a regular base, including dentists like Alice and I.”

“I’m still not sure posing as her is a good idea.” Celestia shook her head. “I don’t know anything about dentistry, and I certainly don’t know how to be a part of your military.”

“Would you rather pretend to be Alice and claim to have memory problems, or wind up on the run or in jail for being away without leave?”

Celestia sighed. “All right. I’ll join the Navy.”

Josh smiled. “In the Navy, you can sail the seven seas. In the Navy, you can put your mind at ease.”

“Wait, you have seven seas?” said Celestia. Josh sighed as if she had just ruined some private joke.

“That’s right,” he said. “How many were you expecting?”

“ ‘Seven seas’ is a familiar phrase to me. I’ve noticed many similarities between our worlds, so many that it seems beyond simple coincidence.”

Josh considered that. “Despite being from a different planet, there are a lot of things you’ve mentioned that sounded like something from Earth.”

“I think it’s worth discussing,” said Celestia.

“I don’t know where to begin.”

Celestia glanced out the window. “Can we take a walk?”

“I don’t think that would hurt anything.” Josh smiled suddenly. “Actually, I have tickets to the aquarium. Alice and I were planning on going…” Just as suddenly as it had come, the happy look was gone from his face.

Celestia gently touched his arm. “I’d like that.”

“I need to go back to the room to get them.” Josh led her upstairs again. He spent a few minutes searching through his luggage. Celestia looked at the lamp he had turned on, quickly glancing away because the glare was painful to her eyes. She put a hand near the glowing bulb, feeling the warmth. She realized that the continuous flow of heat was a much better source of energy than drawing it from coffee.

If that was good, what if she could get the same thing from the wall outlet? That would bypass light and lost heat. Celestia knelt, spotting a paperclip on the nightstand. She shoved it into the socket.

Power quite unlike any Celestia had ever felt flowed through her fingers. She gasped in surprise at the intensity and blue sparks flew.

Josh glanced up worriedly. “Did it shock you? Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” This was very interesting. The paperclip had a burn mark on it, and Celestia thought that the sparks she’d seen were an indication that the outlet hadn’t been intended for what she had done. The electricity didn’t hurt, at least not much, but she suspected that perhaps it might have injured a normal human. At least she had gained a modest boost of energy.

Josh came over with two tickets in his hand, spotting the blackened paper clip. “Why did you do that?”

“It was an experiment.” Testing her magic, Celestia levitated the paperclip from the floor back to where she’d found it.

Josh stared in amazement for a moment and then shook his head. “Well, I hope you learned something.”

Celestia had. She thought perhaps that there was a better way of using electricity, however. The light bulb looked like it screwed out. Putting her finger in the socket could be a good way to avoid the sparks.

She went with Josh down the elevator and outside into the sunshine. Celestia thought that longer hair might have taken better advantage of it, but she could still feel the warmth. She resolved to spend as much time as possible basking in it. She trusted solar power.

Josh handed Celestia her ticket to the aquarium. She looked at it, doing her best to pronounce Waikiki. “Where did such a strange name come from?”

“Hawaii used to be its own country. They had their own language before they had ours,” explained Josh.

That still did not explain why Celestia was able to speak English, but both of them had talked it over and decided that particular mystery was of small importance compared to issues related to her learning to function as a human.

“So how is Hawaii now part of the United States? Was it conquered?” she asked.

Josh shrugged. “Not with weapons, anyway. It was annexed and then became a state.”

Celestia thought for a moment. “I know you explained the concept of states before, but how do they fit together to form the whole nation?”

“Each state elects a number of congressmen based on population, as well as two senators. The congressmen and senators from every state combine together to form two houses, the congress and senate. Between the two of them, they form the legislative branch of the government. It’s their job to make the laws.

“That’s only one branch, however. The executive branch is comprised of the President and others. It’s their job to enforce the laws and to oversee the running of the country and the military.

“The last part is the judicial branch. They make sure the laws are in line with the country’s constitution. With three branches that have limited power, none can override the others.”

“That sounds terribly complicated,” observed Celestia.

Josh laughed. “Yeah, and that’s the simplified version. It is complicated, and that unfortunately leaves a lot of room for things like corruption to slip through the cracks.”

“You don’t trust your government,” stated Celestia. “Wouldn’t it be better if all the decisions were easily made by just a responsible few?”

Josh gave her a look as if she’d insulted him. “No offense Princess, I’m sure you’re a good ruler, but who is supposed to stop those few if they’re doing something wrong? Furthermore, who decides what is wrong? The United States was born because we thought government should be for the citizens by the citizens. It’s not a perfect system, but I believe strongly that it’s better than autocracy.”

Celestia quickly changed the subject. She hoped that talking about the government wouldn’t lead to arguments with all humans. “Tell me more about the island of Hawaii.”

Josh relaxed, clearly pleased to be discussing something else. “It’s actually an archipelago of islands. We’re on one of the larger ones, Oahu. The area has a very mild climate; the temperature doesn’t vary much. It’s also located close to the center of the Pacific Ocean, so it’s a good place to have a military force stationed, like the Pearl Harbor Navy Base.”

Celestia remembered the map of the world he’d shown her. While she let her admirals and generals handle the military, that didn’t mean she knew nothing of strategic positioning. “Is the carrier on its way to anywhere specific?”

“We’re just going to sail around Asia for a while. A country called North Korea is being a little more annoying than usual, and we’re probably going to remind them we’re out there.”

Celestia looked around at the crowded street. “Surely all these people aren’t part of the military?”

“No, there’s a lot of tourism in Hawaii. Due to the nice climate and some good scenery, a lot of people vacation here.”

A vehicle passed by. It was much sleeker than any carriage, and Celestia could see a person inside driving it. It made her think about the ship. “Josh, how does the carrier move? I didn’t see any sails on it.”

He thought for a moment, probably trying to condense a complicated explanation. “It has two nuclear reactors. They work by transforming matter into energy, which is used to heat water into steam that drives turbines to produce electricity for powering things as well as mechanical propulsion to move the ship.”

She sighed. “Can’t you humans do anything simply?”

When Alice had a break, she went to speak to Colgate. “I need to visit Canterlot.”

The blue unicorn nodded. “You haven’t asked for any time off while you’ve worked here. I don’t have a problem with it. Speaking of Canterlot, I heard a rumor that Princess Celestia is back.”

“That’s why I need to go,” explained Alice.

Colgate raised an eyebrow. “When I first met you, you told me a few crazy things that I assumed were caused by the aftereffects of Discord. I did my best to forget them—because they were crazy—but I get the feeling you’re about to say something similar.”

Alice sighed. “I need to find Celestia and figure out if Discord swapped us into each others’ worlds. If that is what happened and she’s back now, then I might need her help to go home.”

“Interesting,” remarked Colgate. “You may have a problem, though. As nice as Princess Celestia is, you don’t get an audience with her just by asking.”

“I’ll do whatever I have to,” said Alice. “But I need your help. On top of that problem, I have no idea where anything is in the city of Canterlot, how the train system works, or any of a bunch of other things. I consider you a friend, and I could use the help.”

After a moment, Colgate smiled. “All right, if it means that much to you, I’ll help.”

“Good luck to both of you,” said the stallion in the exam chair, “but do you think you could finish here before running off on some adventure?”

“Oh! Sorry,” said Colgate, turning back to his checkup. Alice left the room, planning her next move. If the Princess truly had visited Earth in Alice’s place, the dentist felt confident that Celestia would be sympathetic to her plight.

The next day was already scheduled to be fairly light work. Colgate sent Alice to meet ponies that had appointments and ask them to reschedule. Some wanted earlier appointments, some were content with later. Alice and Colgate worked a couple of extra hours that night to free up the next day for a trip to Canterlot.

The night passed unbearably slowly and Alice had trouble sleeping due to anticipation. After being stuck as a pony for so long, she was willing to grasp at any faint glimmer of hope.

In the morning, she met Colgate at the train station. Alice wore her usual smock, mint green fabric that reminded her of scrubs from Earth. There was a jangle in the pocket and she realized that she must have accidentally taken some tools from work. It was not a serious problem. Colgate would understand, and Equestria had no security to prevent sharp objects on public transportation.

The two of them bought tickets and took their seats in the traincar. Alice said, “I appreciate you doing this.”

Colgate shrugged. “What are friends for?”

“Do you really believe that I’m from another planet?” asked Alice.

The doctor thought for a moment. “Well, you believe it. I think that one way or another, this trip to Canterlot will help to resolve the issue.”

Alice caught in Colgate’s tone the implication that if she were crazy, the Princess would tell her so. Still, she appreciated being given the chance. She asked, “How well do you know Canterlot?”

“I’ve been there a several times,” said Colgate. “I’ve got friends living there.”

“I guess I don’t really know a whole lot about you outside of work,” admitted Alice.

“Well, I suppose I am kind of boring. I don’t really go out much.” Colgate sighed. “I don’t even have a special somepony at the moment. How about you?”

Alice saw some similarity to their work situation, but she felt fortunate to have Josh. “I suppose I’m pretty dedicated to my job back home. I miss my special somepony. I think he might have been about to propose when I disappeared.”

Colgate patted her shoulder. “That’s too bad. Don’t worry, we’ll figure something out.”

In the few weeks she’d been in Equestria, Alice had strived to learn all she could. Knowledge was power, and she’d been trying to gain as much of it as possible. She knew that there were two Princesses, one of whom had disappeared suddenly. Based on the rumors circulating amongst the passengers on the train, it seemed like she might be back.

Alice had never managed to figure out why there were no Queens or Kings of Equestria, but had learned roughly how the government worked. As a typical citizen of the United States, she was enamored by, but not completely trusting of, royalty from other countries. Despite that, Equestria seemed remarkably well run.

“How can I get an audience with the Princess?” Alice asked.

“Well, I guess you can walk up to the castle and ask,” suggested Colgate. “Or...hey, Rarity! Fluttershy!”

Two mares sitting in a nearby seat turned. A white unicorn with an indigo mane said, “Hello Dr. Colgate. Going to Canterlot too?”

“Sure are.” Colgate gestured to Alice. “My friend was hoping to meet with Princess Celestia.”

A look passed across Rarity’s face and that of the yellow pegasus sitting beside her. The white mare remarked, “It might be difficult.”

“I keep hearing that Princess Celestia is back,” said Alice. “It’s very important that I talk to her.”

“As a couple of the Elements of Harmony, maybe you could help her out?” suggested Colgate.

Rarity took in the desperate look on Alice’s face. She seemed reluctant, but gently asked, “Why do you need to speak with her, darling?”

“I think I had something to do with her disappearance.” That would do for now, decided Alice.

“I’ll put in a word for you, then,” resolved Rarity.

“So why are you two going to Canterlot?” asked Colgate. “Applejack missed bringing her sister to the clinic the other day because she was headed there.”

“We all went,” said Rarity. “Fluttershy and myself came back to retrieve a few things.”

The unicorn flourished a hat box, showing off the fancy article inside. “I hoped to display this at an upcoming fashion haberdashery show. I hope it doesn’t go so disastrously wrong as last year. A single stitch out of place! I could have just died of embarrassment!”

“I couldn’t leave Angel Bunny alone for so long,” said Fluttershy, speaking for the first time. A blanket she held wiggled and a furry white creature peered out. The bunny focused on Alice and took an instant dislike to her, glaring with its beady eyes.

She jerked in realization. The mad hatter, the quiet doormouse, and the white rabbit...

Just then, an old mare pushing a snack cart stopped in the aisle. "Tea, anypony?"

Chapter 6

“I think I understand your explanation of specific deities,” said Celestia. “But how is Poseidon the god of both horses and the ocean? Those are not typically counterparts.”

Josh shrugged, looking over his shoulder at the statue of the Greek god they had passed after leaving the aquarium. “It’s not my religion, so I don’t really know.”

“Could you tell me a little more about human religion?”

“Uh,” Josh looked uncomfortable. “Basically, don’t ever tell anyone what they believe is wrong, and they won’t try to kill you. Some of the bloodiest wars in history were over religion.”

“What do you believe?” Celestia pressed.

“Well, that’s changed a little since I met you,” he admitted. “I’m not really sure what to think.”

Celestia fell silent, unwilling to force Josh to talk about something he didn’t want to. After a moment to think of another subject, she asked, “What shall we do with the rest of the day?”

“The internet?” Josh grinned as if he was about to have some fun at her expense. The two of them made their way back to the hotel room and were presently seated in front of an electronic device that Josh called a laptop computer. He edged away from her slightly so their elbows didn’t touch.

Celestia was reminded once again of the technological difference between her home and current planet. The laptop’s bright screen displayed anything Josh commanded it to.

“It can do a lot on its own,” he said, “but when you connect it to the internet, you’ve got a link to the whole world.”

“How so?” asked Celestia.

“It allows you to use the resources of many other computers and get information from all sorts of database, encyclopedias, books, videos and even take university courses.”

“It links laptop computers together?” guessed Celestia.

“Well, also regular computers that aren’t designed to be portable. Also cell phones. With the internet, I can literally communicate with someone on the other side of the world in an instant”

That was eye-opening. Celestia asked, “Communication how? Letters?”

Josh grinned. “Yes, but voice and video too, not just text. You can see them, they can see you. It’s just like a regular face-to-face conversation.”

“You can talk a person in any part of the world?” said Celestia, amazement in her voice.

“Sure, as long as they have the same connection that you do.” Josh showed her something called Facebook that appeared to have lists of people he knew. “I have friends in Canada, the United Kingdom, Ireland, Australia, and a couple of places where English isn’t so common.”

“What, it won’t translate for you?” laughed Celestia.

Josh shrugged. “It can convert text. Speech, not really, but give it a couple of years. That’s the thing about technology. It builds on itself and keeps growing.”

Josh pointed his cursor at something and a new screen appeared. “This is a group. It’s got lots of people who share similar interests, even if you don’t know them.”

Celestia read the title. “What is ‘My Little Crows: Friendship Flock’?”

“It’s an animated show,” explained Josh. “Fans are called cronies. They have FlyFiction, their own website where they write stories about it.”

“So is the internet all fun and games?” asked Celestia.

“No, not by a long shot. This show is aimed at kids. That doesn’t stop people from turning it into something else.”

“Such as?” Celestia watched the cursor on screen hover over something marked “Rule 34.”

Josh didn’t click on it. “Let’s not go there. Just use your imagination.”

He showed Celestia a few more things that were probably more useful than children’s entertainment. So much information was so easily available. Each new discovery left her in awe, but Celestia managed to keep things in perspective. “With all this technology, how long until war is obsolete?”

Her sober words had a similar effect on Josh. “I imagine it never really will be. Despite all the bloodshed there is in the world, things are getting better, though. It doesn’t seem like it sometimes, but the average standard of living has been steadily rising all over the world.”

He was nice enough not to ask if she felt apprehensive about going aboard the ship. Earlier in the day, the two of them had heard of a small skirmish on the border between North and South Korea. The United States military, with a presence in the area, had raised their level of alertness.

Josh checked the clock. “It’s about time for evening chow. There’s a nice Japanese place just down the street.”

He typed the name of the restaurant into the computer and a map of the city appeared. With a click of the mouse, the map changed to an overhead view.

Celestia leaned forward. “How was this picture taken? With an aircraft?”

“A satellite,” explained Josh. “They orbit the planet and use powerful cameras to see things like this.”

“Orbit?” she asked.

“Yeah, out in outer space and traveling in the Earth’s gravitational pull.” Josh didn’t ask why she was confused, and that was probably a good thing. Her explanation of raising the sun and the moon probably would have invalidated the natural laws he called physics.

The two of them went down the elevator once more and walked to the restaurant. It was rather dim inside, but Josh explained that it was part of the atmosphere. He told Celestia to expect a show.

They were seated with a few other diners at a table that faced a griddle. Once again, Josh moved his chair to put a little distance between himself and Celestia. She wondered about it, but was distracted as the chef walked over with ingredients for the meal. Without saying a word, he set to work preparing the food while they watched.

He squirted oil onto the cooking surface and picked up a knife. Celestia suspected he was cutting meat, but couldn’t tell what kind. The chef flipped the cubes he cut off into the oil. Adding vegetables, he also mixed in some rice.

Celestia had been pleased to discover the dexterity her own hands and fingers offered, but the chef was clearly a practiced expert. Working with a spatula, knife, and tongs, he deftly kept the cooking food moving around to make sure it heated evenly. He deftly tossed an egg around a little with his spatula, eventually flipping it into the top of his toque hat. A few of the hungry onlookers clapped. The chef let the egg fall out, breaking it cleanly and mixing the insides with the rice.

With a couple more maneuvers, a pile of onion rings were stacked up and alcohol poured over them, creating a miniature volcano of flame. The rest of the food had finished cooking, and the chef began dishing it out.

Celestia avoided a few of the items that didn’t look appetizing to her, including something that was clearly shrimp. Everything she did eat was excellent, however, and the show leading up to it had turned the meal into an experience. The chef took a bow and departed.

After eating, Celestia and Josh spent some time in the hotel watching television. There were a dizzying array of channels and things to see. Some things, like Jersey Shore, she objected immediately to. Josh mused that perhaps some things were tasteless no matter if you were from Earth or not.

Later that night, Celestia ventured into a human shower for the first time. It was not too difficult to figure out the facilities. While nude, she made an interesting discovery. Her cutie mark had darkened and appeared to be gaining traces of color. She touched her skin, wondering what had caused the change.

There was a trace of power under her fingertips. Was this somehow related to recharging her energy? Celestia continued to ponder it as she dried off and redressed. Her thoughts were abandoned, however, as she left the bathroom and realized that there was a problem. The room only contained one bed.

“You take it,” said Josh. You’re the guest.”

“We’re both staying at the hotel,” she pointed out. “It’s quite a large bed.”

He sighed. “I like you, Celestia, but you’re not Alice. I don’t want to be tempted by a doppelganger.”

Her eyes opened wide in surprise. “I’m sorry to make you feel that way. It’s rather embarrassing.”

“I’m just trying to do what I think is right, which is not sleeping in close proximity to you.“ He smiled. “If it makes you feel better, I thank you for not making me feel too uncomfortable.”

“It’s all right,” said Celestia. “I try not to date outside my species.”

Josh laughed and Celestia joined in. It was a good way to relieve the tension that had built between them.

“Actually, you take the bed,” said Celestia. “I would like to stay awake a while longer to learn more about Earth. I believe I understand how to use the internet.”

Josh nodded. “All right then. Have fun. Just don’t do anything I wouldn't do."

“Don't worry, I wasn't intending to do any searches on rule 34," smirked Celestia. Josh rolled his eyes and slipped beneath the covers. She turned to the computer and opened the browser.

“Tell me a little about yourself, dear,” said Rarity.

Alice thought for a moment. The train had just come to a stop at the Canterlot station and ponies were beginning to disembark. The shuffle of the crowd gave her some time to think about what wouldn’t make her sound crazy.

“I’ve been working with Colgate for a little while,” said Alice. The doctor had gone ahead while Alice volunteered to help Rarity with the large amount of luggage that she’d packed in the baggage car.

“Is that all it is between you two?” asked the unicorn.

“Yes. Why?”

“Darling, speaking from a completely detached, heterosexual point of view, you’re gorgeous. Furthermore, Colgate isn’t known for keeping stallions around.”

Alice was speechless. Colgate had never hinted that she was interested in something like that. “Are you sure?”

Rarity smiled sympathetically. “You just said that you haven’t been around Ponyville for very long, otherwise you would know that. She had a rather nasty breakup with her last marefriend a few months ago.”

“It’s okay, Colgate knows I have a lover waiting for me back home,” said Alice. “We’re friends. I don’t think she would do anything to put that in jeopardy.”

“Do you mind telling me a bit more about why you want to see Princess Celestia?” asked Rarity. Alice quickly picked up a valise with her teeth so she wouldn’t need to answer. She carefully maneuvered out of the small baggage car door.

Fluttershy might as well have been invisible. She hadn’t spoken while Rarity’s luggage was being unloaded. When Alice backed into her while carrying a couple of suitcases, it was hard to say who was more surprised.

Angel Bunny quickly retaliated, regardless of fault. He grabbed Alice’s smock and yanked her away from Fluttershy, displaying surprising strength for such a small creature. The fabric bunched up as she worked to relieve herself of the bunny, forcing Alice to drop what she was carrying and step away.

Mission accomplished, Angel sat on his little cotton tail, raising one paw to his eye and pointing it at Alice as if to say, I’m watching you.

Rarity tended to Alice, quickly pulling her wrinkled smock down to cover her wings. “Well, I suppose I see now why talking to the Princess is so important.”

“I’m sorry about Angel; he can be impossible sometimes,” said Fluttershy.

“I would never have imagined a rabbit could be impossible.” Alice looked at the bunny in disbelief.

Rarity rolled her eyes. "Darling, this is nothing! If you visit Fluttershy's house in the morning you might have to put up with seven or eight impossible pets before breakfast."

The press secretary poked his head into Luna’s office. “Pardon me Princess, there are a group of reporters gathering at the castle gates. They want a statement from the Crown confirming the return of your sister.”

Luna sighed in frustration. Somehow the word had leaked out. It was possible the Elements of Harmony had told their friends and families the news, but even that wouldn’t account for the sudden outbreak of rumors. Thankfully, it didn’t seem that anypony had guessed the shape in which Celestia had returned.

“What should I do, Princess?” asked the stallion.

“How many reporters are there?” asked Luna.

“At last count, four,” he answered.

That wasn’t even half the news printers in Canterlot. Unfortunately, wherever journalists gathered, more were sure to show up like sharks scenting blood. Eventually, there would be a big enough crowd that the Royal Guard would be tripping over them.

“Reporters, reporters everywhere,” Luna muttered, adding a curse about the scurrilous purveyors of libel and demagoguery, although not loud enough for the secretary to hear. A thousand years previously, such things were not an issue. Her mood changed, however, thinking about what her sister must have gone through not so long ago when rumors of Luna’s return from the moon had begun to crop up.

“Keep stalling them as long as you can,” she ordered.

“Yes, Princess. I think a nice spot of Chamomile tea would do the trick.”

Luna stared at him for a moment and then shrugged. “I suppose you’re right. Coffee would only give them energy. We’d like them as lethargic as possible.”

“So no sweet pastries then?”

“Not now. We can resort to that if we need to keep them busy eating.” The Princess was only willing to consider the option of passing out free salt licks if things became truly desperate.

The stallion started to depart, but Luna called, “If you’re going to the kitchen, have them send a few of those desserts to me.”

The Princess turned back to her work. With the task of running the country by herself, guiding both the sun and the moon, and trying to prevent a mass panic that would be caused by citizens finding out her sister had too many fingers and not enough hooves, she figured a little snack was the least to which she could treat herself. She sighed. Ruling Equestria was turning out to be a broadening experience.

Author note:

If you like this story, it’s probably due to the efforts of Dafaddah, the editor. The recurring Alice in Wonderland jokes are his work. At last count, he probably devotes about as much time to this as I do.

Chapter 7

Josh stirred, reaching towards the empty space beside him. Not finding anyone, he opened his eyes. Celestia was looking at him from the chair in front of the computer.

“Good morning,” she said.

He sat up, quickly masking a look of disappointment on his face. “Did you stay awake all night?”

“Yes, I did.” Celestia could function without much sleep, something she’d learned while taking care of both the sun and moon while Luna was banished. “I put all that time into learning useful things.”

She got up, bringing her heels together and standing up straight. Her right arm came up, cocking the elbow, bicep parallel to the floor, wrist straight, fingers together and touching her eyebrow.

Josh whistled. “That’s probably a better salute than I could do.”

“I thought I should practice,” said Celestia. “Alice is a Lieutenant, so I’ll have to salute all officers O4 and above, and return the salutes of enlisted personnel and lower officers.”

Josh blinked. “Yeah, I guess you did learn some useful things.”

“How well is the carrier dental ward stocked?” she asked. “I expect the basics, like sickle and periodontal probes, but what about more advanced tools like air or electric drills? What sort of anesthesia do you use? Lidocaine? Does it contain epinephrine?

“When we get aboard, I’ll let you read the MANMED. That stands for—”

“Manual of the Medical Department.” Celestia smiled. “Thanks, that would help a lot.”

“Too much technical talk before breakfast." Josh sighed and got out of bed, heading for the restroom.

While he was occupied, Celestia checked her cutie mark. It was only slightly more colorful now, despite having her finger in the light socket nearly all night. At one point, she had tried to pull energy through it at a greater rate, but all the electricity in the room had cut off. A few minutes later when it returned, Celestia searched for a possible cause of the blackout on the internet, deciding that a blown fuse or circuit breaker was the likely cause. The restrictions of the hotel’s electrical grid limited how much power she could draw. At this rate, it would take quite a long time to get home.

“So what do you want to do today?” asked Joshua, coming back.

“What did you and Alice have planned?”

“Nothing today. We were just going to see what happened.” He thought for a moment. “She said something about horseback riding near Kahana Valley State Park.”

“Sounds interesting,” commented Celestia.

“Are you sure? I thought it would be weird considering you used to be a pony.”

She shrugged. “I’m always willing to keep an open mind.”

Josh grinned mischievously. “I hope that doesn’t mean what I think it does.”

Celestia flicked her hand and a travel magazine flew from the desk, slapping him on the backside of his head. “With a sense of humor like that, I’m surprised you’re not forever alone.”

“Okay, I deserved that.” He thought for a moment. “Did you just reference a meme?”

She smiled. “Problem?”

Josh sighed. “I’ve created a monster. Okay, let’s get going before my head explodes.”

After breakfast, they got in a taxi to travel across the island. The horse stables were organized by a private company that provided tours of the area. A small group of people including Josh and Celestia were lead by a guide to a corral to meet their horses.

“Okay everyone,” said the guide, Jimmy, “Let the horse sniff your palm to get familiar. It’s okay to pat or scratch them on their necks and shoulders, but don’t touch their faces or ears. They’re already saddled, so put your left foot in the left stirrup and climb up.”

The mare Celestia had been assigned was named Buttercup. She looked bored, probably with walking the same trails day in and day out. As Celestia held out her hand, the horse’s ears tipped forward with interest. Celestia suspected that the animal could tell there was something different about her.

“Pose for a picture,” said Josh, holding up his phone.

Celestia stepped closer to Buttercup, smiling as her fingers gently rubbed the mare’s neck. Josh snapped the picture. He grimaced as he looked at the result. “So cute. It’s like a kawaii critical mass situation. More fuel for the coming cutepocalypse.”

Celestia laughed. She watched Jimmy get into his own saddle and followed his lead. Buttercup shifted a little and Celestia leaned forward to stroke her neck. One by one, the riders formed a line and followed the guide down the trail.

Buttercup seemed pleased, although Celestia doubted that the horse knew she was carrying royalty. The mare would occasionally look back at her rider, ears flicking contentedly.

Celestia found it simple to coordinate her movements with the horse’s gait. She was definitely having an easier time of it than some other members of the group who were inexperienced with riding.

The trail led into the mountains. The jungle-like vegetation was green and inviting. Buttercup had seen it all before, and gave Celestia subtle clues with her body language where to look to see the most interesting things.

Most of the points of interest were organic, although a few ruins dotted the forest. Some were compact and strongly built, like bunkers. Jimmy pointed them out as old war fortifications. Some of the ruins were old houses and settlements. Celestia wondered about the people who once lived there.

Despite her desire to get back to Equestria, Celestia found herself empathizing with humans. There was much to learn about them, and she recognized the similarities with pony culture.

One thing people didn’t have, however, was herd mentality. Celestia looked around, taking in the other horses in addition to her own mount. Each member of the herd communicated subtly with every other through small signs, reassuring each other, sharing discoveries, enjoying the sunshine and fresh air. Of course the humans seemed oblivious to all this, but to Celestia, it felt like home. She felt comfortable, more so than any time since coming to Earth.

After a tour of the foothills, the trail led down to the beach. The white sand was washed by mild waves. It looked like a great place for frolicking, but at the moment there was no one around. Celestia let Buttercup do what she wished as the Princess took in the sights.

Jimmy said, “If you’d like to let your horse run a little, it’s okay. They’ll keep you out of trouble.”

Celestia closed her eyes as Buttercup began to canter and then broke into a full gallop on the beach sand. She let go of the reins and raised her hands to her sides, feeling the wind blow through her extended fingers. The smell of the sea, the beach and the horses was simply intoxicating. Buttercup made a circle, cantering back to small group, the other humans staring in disbelief.

"Man! Your girlfriend can ride!" said the tour guide.

Josh was distracted by his phone. He looked at it, his expression darkening in an instant. “Jimmy! Alice and I need to leave right now!”

“What’s the problem?” asked the guide.

“You’ll hear about it on the news,” Josh told him.

Jimmy shrugged. “The barn is just over the hill. Someone should be around to take the horses.”

Josh turned his horse and Celestia followed him. She asked, “What’s going on?”

“North Korea got serious. We need to get back to the ship as soon as possible.”

At the barn, they returned their horses. Buttercup seemed sad to see Celestia go, and she felt the same way. It had felt good to be part of even an unfamiliar herd.

Josh made a phone call, and within a few minutes another taxi appeared to take them back to the hotel. In the room, they quickly packed up, Josh instructing Celestia what to have on hand for going aboard.

The two of them put on uniforms. The random, blotchy patterns of grey and black on the fabric broke up the predominantly blue color. It was not a pretty piece of clothing but Celestia didn’t comment. Her blouse had Alice’s last name on it. The right side of the collar was decorated with two silver bars, signifying Lieutenant. The left side had the gold oak leaf and silver acorns of the Navy Dental Corps.

The insignia on Josh’s uniform were the same, so he could easily say, “She’s with me,” if a situation ever arose that Celestia didn’t know how to handle. He showed her how to tie her boots and the correct way to square away troublesome trouser cuffs.

The two of them collected their luggage and checked out, summoning another taxi to take them to Pearl Harbor. Celestia watched out the window as the grey bulk of the carrier drew closer.

The carrier’s flight deck was so wide that it overhung the pier the ship was tied to. Celestia gazed up at it while she stood in line with Josh. So many people had been recalled so quickly that the queue going aboard stretched off the pier and was backed up on shore. Josh saw the apprehension on her face and joked: "Welcome to Disneywar, the ride!"

His comment did little to ease her nervousness. Celestia had learned from the internet that there were approximately five thousand people assigned to a carrier. Looking around, she had no idea how many waited to walk up the gangplank, but it was easily several hundred.

She gulped, realizing that for the foreseeable future, this was her new herd.

Twilight Sparkle sat up suddenly. “Are you saying that you had to go to war, Princess?”

“That’s what it eventually progressed to, yes.” Celestia sighed. The purple unicorn was the only one that had insisted on staying with her since she’d arrived. Twilight’s friends were still around, some of them running errands for the Princess.

“With all the technology you told me about, war on Earth must be incredibly destructive,” noted Twilight.

“You’re right, and I haven’t even talked about human weapons yet.” Celestia dropped her hand to Twilight’s withers, caressing gently. The young mare leaned closer. The two of them enjoyed the mutual comfort for a moment.

“Rarity and Fluttershy should be getting back soon,” said Twilight. “I think Rarity has a surprise for you.”

“Well, she took my measurements for some reason,” chuckled Celestia.

The door opened and Pinkie stuck her head in. “I’ve got all the preparations ready for a great welcome back party, Princess! Just say the word, and I’ll set it up!”

“Thank you, Pinkie. I hope I won’t keep you waiting too long,” said Celestia. The party pony smiled and closed the door again.

Celestia got up and walked to the window. Most of Canterlot could be seen from where she stood. She was still unsure how the citizens would react when she formally announced her return.

Twilight walked over, also peering out through the glass. Celestia had explained her concerns to her student, and the unicorn vowed to do whatever she could to help.

Celestia put a hand to Twilight’s neck again. The pony sighed in contentment. “Fingers are amazing.”

Celestia almost replied, That’s what she said, but held back. Earth did strange things to a pony. There was a lot she wouldn’t forget. Particularly war.

“Fluttershy and I were on our way to the castle,” explained Rarity. “You should come along.”

“I have to thank you again for doing this,” said Alice. She glanced at Colgate. “If this works, you might be looking for a new assistant.”

The dentist laughed. “I just want what’s best for you.”

Alice shifted uncomfortably, her mind providing a possible alternate meaning. No, it wasn’t right to make assumptions about things based on the word of somepony else. And anyway, she shouldn’t let something so silly as a pony coming on to her distract from the task at hand.

The castle situated above the city clung impossibly to the mountain. Alice shook her head, not bothering to ask how it had been built. The answer was probably magic. She’d had just about enough of that to last a lifetime.

The four ponies and one rabbit made their way through the city and up to the castle walls. Guards wearing ornate armor allowed them to pass, recognizing two of the Elements of Harmony.

Alice had a vague idea what the Elements were. Six mares that exemplified the best traits of friendship. She didn’t know how useful that might be, but was glad that meeting a few of them had given her a way to contact the Princess.

“We might as well use the entrance closest to Celestia’s chambers,” said Rarity. “That’s on the other side of the castle, but it’s a pleasant stroll through the gardens to get there.”

Alice looked around. It certainly seemed pleasant enough. The grass was freshly cut and the hedges perfectly trimmed. Flower beds and ornamental trees were everywhere. She spotted a row of statues.

Fluttershy and Rarity were talking about something, and Colgate was busy checking out the scenery. All three of them ran into Alice when she stopped suddenly. The tall white mare barely felt it. Her eyes were fixed on one of the statues. “Discord.”

Rarity picked herself up. “Yes dear, he’s been trapped in stone.”

“He’s in there?” asked Alice, stepping closer to the figure. “Get him out. We need to have a talk.”

“It’s not quite that simple,” explained Rarity. “You should really speak to Princess Celestia first.”

Alice allowed herself to be pulled away from the statue, but stopped. She extended the back of one hoof in the air. "Burble this, you... you Jabberwock!"

Author Note:
You should know Dafaddah by now. Eh is a pretty cool guy and doesn't afraid of editing.
(Except maybe that last sentence.)

Chapter 8

Everyone had a nametag on their uniforms, which alleviated the need for Celestia to remember their names. It was also lucky that the dental group was fairly small, with few faces to memorize.

Josh helped her get settled in. He showed her where she would be sleeping, and explained a few details that she was unable to find in her online knowledge gathering.

Two dentists would be on duty at all times, working in eight-hour shifts. Josh indicated a schedule, which Celestia read carefully. She would be in the clinic during the ship’s scheduled departure.

“If nothing important is happening, I’ll cover for you so you can say goodbye to Pearl,” said Lieutenant Resen. She smiled helpfully.

“Well, I suppose Pearl Harbor does deserve some of my affection,” agreed Celestia.

Resen cocked her head. “Are you feeling okay? Your voice sounds funny.”

“I probably caught something while ashore. Bad poi, maybe.”

“Well, I hope you get better soon. Can’t have you holding us back any more than those fancy color contacts already do,” chided Resen. Alice had liked the look of herself with blue eyes. It was fortunate, because Celestia’s natural color would have drawn attention.

Celestia was looking forward to seeing the send-off the ship would receive, but a sailor fell down a ladder and chipped a tooth. He came to the clinic with blood dripping from his mouth where the jagged enamel had sliced open his lip.

While Celestia was used to staying calm during national emergencies, this felt completely different. The young man was not in danger for his life, but cleaning him up and repairing the damage seemed like a daunting task.

Inspecting the tooth, Celestia couldn't decide whether it should be repaired with filler, or was bad enough to require a cap. This was not the sort of thing you could learn over the internet. To Resen, she suggested, “Why don’t you take care of this and I’ll stop the bleeding?”

The arrangement worked out, and between the two of them they quickly had the sailor patched up. After that, however, came scheduled appointments, and by the time Celestia’s shift was over, Hawaii had disappeared over the horizon and there was nothing to see except the open ocean and the other ships in the strike group with the carrier.

Resen smoked, and while the fumes smelled terrible to Celestia, she accompanied the woman outside. They stood near the stern of the ship with the flight deck above, watching the foaming wake of the carrier pass by underneath them.

“How was your vacation?” asked Resen.

“Not bad.”

“Did you and LT Tanner get it on?”

Celestia sputtered. Resen laughed. “Sorry, the two of you were being kind of obvious. Just keep it clean while we’re aboard. We’re all professionals, right?”

Celestia nodded. “So what did you do ashore?”

“This and that. I went to CrowCon Honolulu.” She showed Celestia her lighter, which had a Maggie Pie sticker on it.

“Friendship Flap?” said Celestia, offering her hand.

Resen gasped in surprise and promptly returned the gesture, slapping Celestia’s palm. Enthusiastically, she asked, “So who’s your favorite? Twilight Raven? Shrike? Flutterpecker?”

“I don’t really have one. I haven’t watched very much of the show.” Celestia smiled. It was a remarkably bright point amid the cloud of war that hung around.

Resen finished her cigarette and turned to go. “We’ve got to talk about this more later.”

Celestia returned her friendly nod and went back to staring at the ocean. She hadn’t meant to become attached to Earth, but even in her current situation she had to admit there were some things that made her smile. Of everything she had experienced in her short time on earth, this need for fellowship was one thing humans and ponykind had in common. She stood there for a while longer, watching the ship’s wake.

The next time Celestia saw Josh, he was in the passageway near the clinic about to begin his duty shift. Celestia had been working on a solution to get home, and thought she might have an idea from her internet searches about the carrier. “Josh, I was hoping I could talk to you about the two A4W nuclear reactors that are onboard.”

“I’m not the guy you should ask. That would be someone down in the engineering department. Sorry, I have to go. Come find me later.” He gave her a smile and departed.

Celestia went in search of the reactors. She very much doubted that she could just walk up to one, and that assumption turned out to be correct. Armed Marines assigned to the ship guarded locked hatches that lead to the reactor compartment.

It was possible that Celestia could find a steam line that ran from the reactors’ secondary coolant loops, but the pipe would be heavily insulated and hard to draw energy from. Not to mention it would look suspicious to find her hanging around sensitive equipment. She had to decide on a new plan of action.

Celestia met up with Josh later that day. He asked, “Did you find what you were looking for?”

“I’m afraid not. There was no way to access the reactors.”

Josh gave her a strange look. “Why were you trying to do that?”

“I explained to you the concept of drawing energy until I had enough built up to be able to go home. I thought that getting close to the source of the power would help.”

As Celestia spoke, Josh’s face had progressively darkened. He said, “Even if you didn’t suck the whole thing in one go, you could still cause a loss in performance. That puts everyone on board at risk. You just can't do that.”

She realized exactly what he was saying, but his sudden change in mood flustered her. “Don’t you care about me going home and you getting Alice back?”

“I do. I know that you have a country to run, but I can’t justify impairing the war effort of my own. I think of you as a friend, Celestia, but I have a higher loyalty.”

The Princess closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. “I understand. If our situations were reversed I would like to believe that I would also choose the many over the individual. You have a steadfast heart and are a true friend.”

Josh sighed. “Sometimes life is terrible. I’m sorry.”

“So am I.” Celestia was reluctant to abandon her designs on accessing the reactors, but she had five thousand people to think about. They weren’t the same species, and from what she’d seen just by spending a while on the carrier some of them weren’t all that likeable. However, she couldn’t live with herself knowing that something she did put them in danger.

Celestia retired to her berth, reading the ship’s newspaper, Navy News Service dispatch, and anything else she could find to glean more information about the outside world.

Based on the carrier’s speed, they would be in position to begin launching combat operations eight days after leaving Hawaii. The ship’s only offensive weapons were the airplanes aboard. Celestia had watched a few of them taking off and landing, and the deck crews practicing the mounting of bombs and missiles. They certainly looked like impressive weapons, but surely the enemy would have something similar.

The days passed slowly. The dread of coming battle was one part of it. Not being able to see the sun was another. Celestia almost wished for something interesting to happen, although she chided herself that that was exactly the wrong thing to want during a war.

Ronald Reagan had rounded the southern tip of Japan and was steaming northward when the first call to battle stations came. Celestia was tending to a scheduled appointment at the time, and pulled her tools out of the patient’s mouth as she felt the ship heel over into a sharp turn. It was impossible to know what was going on outside, and the sailor she was attending to understood that sharp bits of metal were not a good thing to have close to sensitive areas when the possibility of attack was high.

Minutes passed. Commander Peterson, in charge of the medical facilities, walked in looking as if he’d just been roused from sleep. He was alert and serious, however, when he broke the news. “One of the screening frigates was torpedoed and broke up. The other escorts took care of the enemy submarine, but we’ve got a lot of casualties incoming. Scrivello, you’re working for the hospital until further notice.”

Celestia began putting her tools away. The sailor in the chair looked up. “This is terrible for me to say, ma’am, but I’m a little glad. I’ve never liked visiting the dentist.”

“Where are you supposed to be?” she asked.

“I’m part of jet operations, but those are shut down right now,” he answered.

“Check with your station, and if they don’t have anything for you to do, come back and help here,” Celestia ordered. She checked the time. “Your appointment isn’t over yet.”

Celestia walked into the hospital, seeing a few wounded sailors already arriving. Their injuries were quite ghastly, and they were probably the worst casualties who could still be saved. She asked one of the doctors to give her a task. The man glanced at the Dental Corps insignia on her collar. While Lieutenant Scrivello was supposed to have medical training and knowledge of anatomy, her focus was teeth, not trauma. The man said, “We have the people here that we need right now. I want you to go up to the deck and bring in arriving casualties from the helicopters.”

It was noisy and windy on the flight deck, problems compounded by several helicopters landing. A crowd of sailors were already setting up stretchers and helping their injured fellows to get down to the hospital. Celestia helped organize their efforts and lent a hand in carrying.

It helped not to think very hard about it, but the blood was hard to ignore. The horror slowly ebbed after the worst-injured were brought aboard, their wounds slacking off to mere broken bones and bruises. Celestia realized she was supposed to be off duty, and hadn’t eaten since the ordeal began. She kept going back to the deck until helicopters stopped arriving.

As she tiredly headed for her berth, Celestia reflected on things that had gone right. She hadn’t had to use any of her precious reserves of magic for self-defense or anything else. She’d even managed to add a little to it by spending so much time outside, however her clothing stopped much of the sun’s rays. That was probably a good thing because otherwise it would have been her skin that was covered in splashes of blood.

Commander Peterson stopped her in the passageway. “I saw what you did out there. I think you did a good job.”

“Thank you, sir,” she replied, embarrassed. The praise was unexpected, but welcome. Celestia was still distraught over being stuck on this strange chaotic planet, nothing could change that, but it helped to know that she’d made a difference. It didn't escape her how much like a herd the crew of the ship was. How quickly they read each other and coordinated their activities. These humans were social beings as well, how could they have advanced so far otherwise?

The next afternoon, the battle stations alarm was called again. A small North Korean ship had approached the carrier strike group, requesting to defect. While no direct attack had happened, it was best to be on the alert.

Celestia was summoned to help the medical staff transport a few of the patients in the hospital to the deck to be evacuated to shore. A utility airplane was standing by for the purpose.

Due to the close proximity of the ship that was still technically hostile, some precautions had to be taken. Celestia was more than a little surprised, however, to be issued a holster and a handgun. She doubted that a personal weapon would see much use in ship-to-ship combat.

Josh was also called to help evacuate casualties. The two of them worked side by side to help transport the injured to the airplane.

An echoing wham carried across the water, muffled by wind and distance. Everyone on deck instinctively looked up, watching in shock as a bloom of fire rose from one of the escorting ships. Smoke trails began to fly as missiles were launched.

Josh swore. “They came in pretending to surrender and then hit our cruiser!”

The supposedly defecting North Korean ship had been kept far away from Reagan because of the possibility of a double-cross. Denied the obvious prime target, perhaps they had decided to take what they could get. Celestia watched the enemy vessel explode after being hit with several retaliatory shots.

“This is bad, oh my God,” muttered Josh. “The cruiser was in charge of air defense. We can get one of the destroyers to take over but—”

“Come on, we still have a job to do,” Celestia interrupted, turning back to the airplane. Her leadership helped galvanize the others to move. “Even if the cruiser doesn’t sink, we need to be prepared to take aboard more casualties.”

They got the transport plane loaded and it taxied over to the catapults at the front of the ship to take off. Helicopters from other ships were beginning to visit the damaged escort to pick up wounded sailors. Curiously, a few other helicopters were headed the opposite direction, their host ships also turning away.

“What’s going on over there?” asked Celestia.

“Maybe they have a contact in that direction. They might be sending the helicopters to go hunt submarines.” Josh’s face looked panic-stricken. “This is bad. We’re being attacked from different directions.”

“You need to calm down,” said Celestia.

He looked at her incredulously. “I’m a dentist. I’ve never been under fire before!”

“I have, and trust me, panic won’t help.” Celestia spotted a helicopter heading their way carrying wounded sailors. “Just remember that you have a job to do.”

The aircraft landed, carrying the casualties in the worst condition. Celestia and Josh grabbed a stretcher that held a man whose forearm had been severed. He was gasping and on the verge of shock, blood leaking past a primitive tourniquet on his elbow.

Celestia placed her palm on the ragged stump. There was the smell of burning flesh, but when she drew her hand back, the wound was cauterized and the bleeding had stopped.

Josh was the only one who had seen her do it. He looked a little sick to his stomach, although it was hard to tell if that was from the blood or the burning. For Celestia, her action had been instinctive.

The two of them brought the man into the hospital and put him where they were directed. A doctor grabbed Celestia’s arm. “We need more gauze. It’s in the medical supply locker.”

She followed his pointing finger to a room attached to the hospital. Celestia had been there before while running errands for the dental clinic. The shelves that lined the walls were stacked high above her head. The ladder was at the other end of the compartment, but to save time she simply concentrated hard and levitated into the air, inspecting the shelves and finding several rolls of gauze near the top.

After leaving the supplies with the doctor, Celestia sprinted for the deck. She magically threw open a couple of hatches ahead of her to speed her progress.

A small thought gnawed at the edge of her awareness. Why are you using up so much energy? You need to get home. Celestia gritted her teeth and kept going. Here and now, this is more important.

She reached the deck just as another helicopter landed. Carrying stretchers was not easy work, and Celestia added a bit of magic to help her keep up with the muscular man she had been paired with this time. She realized that she’d subconsciously done it to increase her strength on the previous trip, as well. The sailor they carried had a splintered leg, and she applied a bit of subtle telekinesis to hold it steady and avoid making the injury worse.

When Celestia got back to the deck the third time, it was empty. She paused for a moment next to Josh, taking a breather while they waited for another helicopter. The sun was sitting on the horizon, the late afternoon giving way to evening.

One of the destroyers suddenly fired a missile. It was followed a few seconds later by another.

“Those are anti-air,” said Josh.

Celestia glanced at the darkening sky. “I don’t see anything.”

“It’s either really far away or really fast.” Josh’s eyes went wide. “A ballistic missile? I heard North Korea was working on nukes, but I didn’t think they were crazy enough to—”

He began tugging at her arm, although Celestia resisted. From what she’d read about nuclear weapons, going below decks certainly wouldn’t save them. All they could do was hope the air defense worked, and prepare to receive the next medical helicopter.

A streak of light like a meteor appeared, the incoming missile’s trajectory creating enormous closing speed as it reentered the atmosphere on course to intercept the carrier strike group.

Celestia tipped her head back, watching the weapon’s unceasing approach. Rising tendrils of smoke decorated the sky as other ships launched counterattacks. On the deck, many heads looked up, some pointed, some knelt and prayed. The smell of fear grew thick. Celestia began walking forward on the flight deck, carefully removing her contact lenses. She didn’t understand how Alice could stand them. They left a fuzzy edge on her vision, and that simply wouldn’t do for the idea she’d just had.

“What are you doing?” Josh went with her, nervously glancing between Celestia and the sky.

“I have a plan,” she answered. “I hope it works.”

“What?”

Celestia raised her arms as a blinding flash lit up the heavens. It was more pure power output than she had ever seen, with the exception of perhaps the Elements of Harmony. Bare milliseconds passed as she reached towards the energy, siphoning some of it to surround the blast in a force field bubble and draw it in before the surrounding area was torched. Her nerves hummed with the force and beneath Celestia’s trousers her cutie mark surged with color, the image of the sun flaring brilliantly.

Similar to drawing a huge gulp of air, it was nearly painful to hold so much energy inside. Celestia focused on a destination, and let it all out.

Whirling blackness surrounded her and Celestia felt like she was falling. There was a noise as if the very universe was tearing apart and she suddenly came to a halt, lying facedown. It was very quiet, even the noise of the wind had ceased. “Josh, are you alright?”

Celestia began to move. She felt lethargic after using so much magic. To her dismay, she still had fingers. The surface beneath her felt like carpet, rather than the nonskid deck of the carrier. There was an unpleasant odor of smoke in the air.

“Celestia?” The voice was nearby and sounded concerned. Could it be…

The Princess raised her head, looking towards the speaker. A midnight-blue pony was looking at her. The two of them were in a familiar room, in the castle that Celestia called home.

“Luna…Thank Harmony, I’m back!”

Author note:
Big 'ol action chapter brought to you by Dafaddah with technical consulting by shirotora

Chapter 9

“So let me get this straight, you caught a bomb?” Twilight’s eyes were wide with disbelief.

“Something like that. I used the energy of the explosion to get me back to Equestria.” Celestia looked away, remembering. From the expression on her face, Twilight thought that there might be more to the story.

Her young student frowned in thought. “That would require quite a lot of energy. Just what are the characteristics of a ‘nuclear’ weapon?”

“I think that’s a topic for another time,” said the Princess. There was a knock at the door. “Enter,” called Celestia. The door opened and Rarity stepped in

“Good afternoon, Princess. I have a gift for you.” Rarity's eyes were wide in anticipation. The white unicorn gave Celestia a box. She removed the cover, finding a silk gown the color of clouds. Elegant gold embroidery decorated the neck, sleeves, and hem.

At Celestia's broad smile, Rarity blushed. “I just couldn’t stand to see you with only one set of clothing. I’m very sorry that I wasn’t able to fashion any footwear to go along with it. I’ve never made anything designed to fit toes.”

“This is lovely, Rarity. Thank you.”

“There’s something else,” said the dressmaker. “On my way back from my shop, I met somepony who wishes to speak with you. Her name is Alice.”

“Where is she now?” Celestia looked intently at Rarity, her tone abruptly serious.

“Princess Luna insisted on taking care of her,” the unicorn answered. “Fluttershy and Colgate, the Ponyville dentist, are with them.”

Celestia thought for a moment. She had no idea what Alice might have been through since arriving in Equestria. “Rarity, how did you find her mood?”

“She seemed rather on edge,” replied the unicorn. “I wouldn’t say desperate, exactly, but I’m glad somepony is keeping an eye on her.”

That was to be expected. Celestia figured that Alice would have a rougher time of adjusting to a new world than she did. Experience counted for a lot, and the Princess had thousands of years of it.

“I will go meet with her,” said Celestia. Rarity nodded and went out the door.

“Won’t she be a little freaked out by seeing herself?” asked Twilight.

“Most likely.” Celestia nodded. “I would like to make things as easy as possible for her. I need some help, Twilight.”

Working carefully with magic, the unicorn managed to remove the dye from Celestia’s hair and return it to the length it had been when she’d arrived on Earth.

She stripped off her outer clothing, feeling a little bit of lingering modesty for doing so in front of her student. Twilight noted Celestia’s undergarments curiously. “Don't you get cold without any fur?”

“I supposed that's why humans wear so much clothing all the time," replied Celestia with a smirk. She put on the gown. Rarity had done the measurements perfectly, and the silk reached exactly to the floor. It seemed strange to wear combat boots underneath, but there were no other shoes available.

Celestia glanced at the mirror, feeling a little more like her old self. She turned to the door. “Come along, Twilight.”

A trip through the royal kitchens revealed impressive variety, quantity, and quality, but Alice was beginning to suspect that Princess Luna was stalling for time. There were only so many treats a pony could eat, and Colgate was giving her dirty looks because of the sugar intake.

“My sister returned unexpectedly,” Luna was saying. “We are all glad she is home.”

“Has she told you what happened yet?” Alice decided to see what Luna knew.

“She was…changed.” Luna’s tone indicated unease with discussing the topic.

“How exactly?”

“She spent almost two weeks there—”

Alice broke in. “I’ve been in Equestria longer than that.”

Luna shrugged. “Perhaps time runs differently here. Celestia said that you have no control over your sun and moon, so who’s to say how long a week in one world lasts in the other?”

Steps approached, one set of hooves and one pair of rubber soles. A purple unicorn and a woman in a white gown stepped into the kitchen. The various ponies working in the kitchen gave a quick bow.

Alice stared in shock. Coming through the door was her own face and body, but the way Celestia carried herself was completely different. This was... a princess! She wasn’t sure which would be more disturbing, seeing her old body changed as Celestia was, or if the Princess had been an exact duplicate of her normal self.

There was several seconds of silence as everypony in the room watched the two of them stare at each other. Celestia appraised the equine form she’d formerly inhabited, wondering how Alice had adapted to a new setting. The Princess spoke first. “I’m glad to finally meet you.”

“Likewise.” Alice nodded, her irritation and maybe a bit of jealousy melting away. She believed that she was finally meeting someone who could help her, and it was imperative to be on her best behavior.

“I have some bad news,” said Celestia.

Alice’s stomach dropped. “What is it?”

“The media wants a press conference, and I am not equipped to appear before them. I hope you could do me the favor of taking my place.”

“Why can’t we just change back and you can do it?” asked Alice. Celestia’s features briefly showed a trace of worry. With her instinctive awareness to human faces, Alice was the only one who caught it.

“It will take time,” said Celestia. Twilight glanced at her. The Princess had told her student that she had no idea how to get Alice home. She did not want to lie to Alice, but she also had no idea how she might react to the whole truth.

Alice sighed. “Tell me how to pretend to be you.”

In Celestia’s bedroom, Twilight and Luna fabricated a series of spells to lengthen and tint Alice’s mane, recolor her eyes, and add a false cutie mark of the sun. They brought out Celestia’s golden crown, necklace, and hoof guards for her to wear. The finished result was a perfect disguise.

Alice stared at the alien in the mirror. The few visual reminders of who she once was had all been erased Her mane and tail had been enchanted to have a slight wave as if a mild breeze blew across them. Despite the disguise, she had to admit that her overall appearance was beautiful and very regal indeed.

Celestia stood at the other end of the room with her arms crossed, watching Luna give Alice lessons on graceful walking. Twilight slid close to Celestia. “Princess, I’m a little worried about Alice.”

“What do you mean, Twilight?”

“Well, having her do this press conference buys us some time, but what happens when she finds out that we don’t know how to change your bodies back or get her home?” The unicorn swallowed nervously. “I trust your judgment, Princess, but this seems a little questionable.”

Celestia sighed. “I know. I’ve been trying to think of another way. Unfortunately, telling her the painful truth now probably won’t end well, and we need to keep her calm so she can do what we ask. I will talk to her about it."

Alice made another circuit of the room, stepping carefully as Luna instructed. She was beginning to pick up the princess walk, and was beginning to relax a little. If Celestia’s own sister said she looked right, then she should be able to fool a bunch of reporters.

Alice glanced at a small table where a pile of familiar blue fabric lay. She figured that it must be the uniform and personal effects Celestia had been wearing when she returned. Had the Princess actually attempted to impersonate a member of the US Navy? Surely some pony couldn’t pull that off.

Alice’s eyes began to slide away from the items when one thing in particular made her stop dead. She stared at it, ignoring Luna’s attempts to get her moving again. “Is that a gun?”

“I was issued it,” said Celestia. Her face looked like she was bracing for an outburst.

“Why in the world would they do that?” demanded Alice.

“We went to war.”

Alice’s eyes bulged in rage. “You did what?!”

Celestia held up her hands, attempting to defuse the situation. “North Korea attacked its neighbor to the south, which as you know is the ally of the United States. The Ronald Reagan was dispatched to assist. My only choices were to either do Alice Scrivello’s duty, or get arrested for being AWOL.”

Alice thought for a moment. A little more calmly, she asked, “Where was the fighting?”

“It started with a few land battles and progressed to the oceans. There were some naval engagements,” Celestia told her, remembering the news she’d been able to hear.

“And the Reagan?”

Celestia paused. “We were attacked.”

Alice’s eyes hardened. “What happened?”

The Princess looked away, trying to decide how to answer. Alice took a few steps closer. “Tell me what happened.”

Luna and Twilight looked up in alarm, but Celestia gestured for them to remain calm. To Alice, she said, “There was a nuclear weapon. I did my best to contain it and use the energy to return to Equestria.”

Alice’s jaw had been clenched tightly. She slowly asked, “Did you meet Lieutenant Joshua Tanner?”

The Princess nodded, a terrible feeling building up inside her.

“Is he alright?”

Celestia winced. “I don’t know.”

Their eyes met. The Princess could nearly feel the force of Alice’s glare as if it were a physical thing. There was hurt as well as fear in her eyes, as the displaced human held Celestia’s gaze for several seconds and then turned away. “I’ll do your press conference, but after that we’re going to have a talk. You’re going to tell me everything you know.”

“You shouldn’t talk to the Princess that way!” said Twilight in disbelief

Alice nodded. “I realize I’m threatening a head of state, but you all have a lot more to lose than I do. I’ll cooperate, but only as long as you stop treating me like a... foal, or like I can't be trusted.”

Oppressive silence reigned for a moment before Princess Luna curtly broke in. “Of course, Alice. Perhaps we should go practice the speech.”

Alice gave Celestia one last look and allowed Luna to guide her out of the room. In the stillness that followed, Twilight asked, “What do we do now, Princess?”

Celestia closed her eyes for a moment. “I need to apologize to her.”

It was impossible to know how long Alice might be living in Equestria, so it was only fair to her, and in everypony’s best interest to be friendly. On top of that, it was not in Celestia’s nature to use ponies unwittingly. Alice had good reason to be angry, and the Princess was sorry for underestimating her. She should have known better, having met so many of Alice's friends and associates and seeing the respect she had earned from them. Not to mention the obvious depth of Josh's love for the human woman.

Twilight tagged along with Celestia as the Princess went downstairs again. The two of them found Luna and Alice in an antechamber of the press room. The younger Princess had magicked up a script and was coaching Alice on delivery.

The false Celestia flicked her eyes to the real one as she came in, but went back to ignoring her, practicing the speech. “I must apologize for leaving on short notice. I was temporarily waylaid in an alternate universe. I have returned, however, and Equestria can now go back to business as usual.

Alice went through a few more lines. She seemed to be doing well, and her mimic of Celestia’s voice was improving. The press secretary stuck his head in. “The media ponies are finding their seats right now. I’d say you have five minutes before they start getting restless.”

“I think I can remember this,” said Alice, nodding to the script.

“Wait a moment,” said Celestia. She stepped forward to face Alice. “I don’t want you to go out there angry. I want you to know how sorry I am for what you’ve gone through. I wish I could tell you with certainty that everything on Earth is all right. I myself want to know how Josh is. He was a good friend, and you’re very fortunate to have the love of one such as he.”

Alice’s face softened somewhat, her ears taking on a less aggressive posture. Celestia went on. “Commander Peterson, Lieutenant Resen, and everyone else I worked with are good people. Josh, however, was willing to risk everything to get me aboard and help me pretend to be you. In return, I promised him that I would do whatever I could to return you home. I want to keep that promise, Alice, and I want to be your friend.”

Alice sighed. “Okay, I wish I’d done things differently, too. Let’s work together.” She began removing the royal jewelry. The crown was the only thing that came close to fitting Celestia’s human body, and the Princess put it on.

Surprised, Luna asked, “Are you going out there?”

“This is not the time to be concealing things. We need to recognize the problem in order to get started on a solution.” Celestia opened the door and gestured forward. “After you, Alice.”

The tall white mare stepped into the press room as elegantly as she could manage. If Celestia was planning to tell the reporters the truth it might have been better to go out wearing her natural blonde, but perhaps it was best to make a good first impression and not shock them too much.

The press area was about the size of a small ballroom, with a few windows on one wall open to catch a pleasant breeze. The assembled crowd erupted in applause at the sight of Alice, although as the real Celestia came in, the thumping hooves began to taper off, punctuated by a few gasps of surprise. By the time the Princess reached Alice’s side near the podium, the only sound was her clunking steps.

Celestia smiled bravely. Here we go. “My little ponies, I have returned!”

There was more applause, interrupted by a reporter at the front calling, “Princess, where did you learn ventriloquism?”

The crowd laughed for a moment before Alice spoke. “Princess Celestia, may I?” Celestia nodded, and Alice continued. “I’m afraid that while Princess Celestia is back, there have been some complications. My name is Alice. I was brought here from another world against my will by Discord. As part of his plan, he also changed us so that our appearances were swapped.”

Celestia couldn’t imagine a piece of news that would have shocked the reporters more. Building off what Alice had said, she added, “We’re working to reverse this situation and safely see Alice back to her home.”

Gesturing to her current body, the Princess said, “Alice and her kind are a species called humans. A press release with further details will be distributed, so I trust that nopony will bother her for more information while we work to return everything to normal.”

The crowd seemed to agree with that. Despite her abnormal form, Celestia’s word still carried its usual weight. The gathered members of the media began to pack their things to depart.

Suddenly, a not-quite sinister laugh rang out. “Hah! I can see the headlines now: Princess Primate lends a hand, while Alice Alicorn is left to wonder.”

A creature of amalgamated parts stuck his head in through the open window. “Hidy-ho there, everypony! Did you miss me?”

“Oh my Celestia, it’s Discord!” shouted one of the reporters.

“Now, now! It's not nice to swear in her name when she’s standing right there, and on two legs no less!” said Discord. He laughed and raised his mismatched forward appendages. A few small sparks of magic danced across his claws, but caused nothing to happen. He looked down in disbelief. “Did the warrantee on these run out when I wasn't looking?” He concentrated and tried again. This time the sparks were fewer, and turned to butterflies as they fell to the floor. The Draconequus looked unpleasantly surprised.

He ducked away as Luna summoned the Royal Guards. Celestia and Alice ran to the window, watching Discord rapidly departing.

“We need to go after him!” said an anxious Alice. “I thought he was stuck in a statue! How did he escape?”

Celestia turned away from the window, noting, “He was. Thank Harmony, it seems as if he was having some difficulties using his magic to do chaos.”

There was fire in the former human’s eyes. “I just want to make him pay.”

In spite of the situation, Celestia cracked a smile. From what she’d seen of people, they were more than capable of giving Discord a taste of his own chaos.

Rarity came in with the Navy gear. “Princess, I thought perhaps you’d like to change. After all, I don't think you'd want to ruin this lovely dress, and as horrid as the coloring of this uniform is, I’m sure it’s more durable and less restrictive to your movements.”

“That was good thinking,” said Celestia. She quickly pulled off the gown. A media pony who was still in the room snapped a picture. Alice pointed her horn at the camera and it shattered with a burst of magic. The photographer let out a startled yelp and galloped out the door.

Celestia dressed quickly. She put on her belt, threading it into the top strap of the pistol holster. The lower strap fastened securely to her leg. Alice eyed the weapon, but said nothing.

“I have a good idea where Discord is going,” said Celestia. “He has a strange fixation with Ponyville. With the Elements of Harmony here in Canterlot, he probably sees the town as undefended. We need to get there.”

“Is there a train going that way?” asked Alice.

“It’s not fast enough.” Celestia looked pointedly at the mare’s wings. “We can do this together, Alice. Do you trust me?”

Author note: I suck at drawing people. If you like it, though, the full version can be found here. Our good friend Dafaddah helped out with art critque as well as his usual editing duties.

Chapter 10

“I have to admit, maybe the long mane was a bad idea,” shouted Celestia over the noise of the wind. She used one hand to hold down the billowing mass, but couldn't keep the loose strands out of her face.

“I liked it short,” replied Alice. “It made cleaning out the sawdust and splinters easier whenever I smashed into the top of a door frame with this stupid horn.”

At least Alice was finally getting some use from her freakishly large body. Celestia was finding that Earth horses and Equestrian ponies were rather different to ride, particularly when wings were involved. Celestia sat forward, practically at the base of Alice's neck.

The Princess would have already shortened the mane for her, breaking up the spells that had changed Alice’s appearance, but she wasn’t sure she could. She hadn’t used much magic at all since returning home, mostly because Equestria did not have large artificial power sources to draw from. However, borrowing magic from a pony…

Celesta put her hand down on the smooth white coat beneath her. Alice shuddered as if cold. “Your majesty, something feels weird.”

“I already explained to you that my magical ability in this body is limited to just redirecting energy instead of generating it. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you have a big reserve.”

Alice was silent for a moment, feeling the curious sensation of magic being drawn out, an experience her human mind couldn’t describe. “Well, I suppose I’m not really using it.”

As the Princess worked, Alice felt her mane receding. She tossed her head, pleased that it was finally out of her eyes.

“Turn a little bit further south,” instructed Celestia. Alice looked down, picking out the Canterlot-Ponyville railway line. It looked very small, uncomfortably reminding her of how high she flew. Alice quickly focused her attention on the clouds instead.

“It's a good thing you know how to work these wings remotely. I haven't a clue how to keep us flying,” commented Alice.

“Sorry for the occasional bump. I can't feel the wind as well as if I was flying myself,” replied Celestia. She was doing her best to stay comfortable while being buffeted around.

“So where are the guards?” asked Alice. “What about the Elements of Harmony? Weren’t they used to defeat Discord last time?”

Celestia replied, “Aside from the fact that the two of us can move faster, I have a feeling that the Elements will be of limited use this time due to Discord’s unique situation.”

“So what are we going to do?” asked Alice. She glanced back at the gun holstered on Celestia’s hip.

“We’re going to need a plan of worthy of our opponent,” said the Princess.

Alice smiled grimly. Well Discord, Jabberwock season just opened, and we’ve got a nine millimeter Vorpal Sword.

As Ponyville came into view, Celestia managed to glide the two of them into town with a reasonable amount of grace. As Alice’s hooves touched the ground Princess Celestia dismounted, glancing around for any sign of chaos.

The residents of the town stared at the two of them with fascination and more than a little worry. News from the interrupted press conference hadn’t reached Ponyville yet and they didn’t know who the mysterious visitors were. Celestia was thinking of what to tell them, when suddenly the crowd scattered in all directions, screaming and ducking for shelter.

“Come on everypony, let’s get this party started!” Discord appeared with a shower of confetti that he had to throw himself. Most ponies had already fled, and he ended up speaking to just Celestia and Alice. “Hello pony, and lady. Horse, human. Rich girl, poor girl. Sovereign, sailor.”

Celestia and Alice started forward angrily, but Discord held up a claw. “Hang on, I had a few more: Alice girl, Palace girl. You-man, You-nicorn. Say are you girls having fun yet?”

“This ends right now,” said Celestia. It was a tone of voice that urged oceans to part and motivated mountains to move. All the ponies who were still on the street made themselves scarce.

“It’ll be kind of an interesting battle. My powers haven’t remanifested themselves after I spent so much energy setting up this little situation and got stripped of the rest by those pesky Elements of Harmony.” Discord gestured to his two opponents. “Furthermore, you don’t have the energy to do much Celestia, and our little Alice hasn’t any idea how. If anything, we’ll just have a silly little slap fight with no winner.”

Celestia touched her pony companion on the shoulder. A basketball-sized ball of lightning appeared, floating over her other hand.

Discord blinked. “Well, that was unexpected.”

He turned tail and ran. Alice and Celestia gave chase. Celestia threw the ball of lightning, missing the Draconequus. Despite Discord’s mismatched legs, he was still surprisingly fast and agile.

“Hey Celestia, has anypony ever told you throw like a girl?” taunted Discord. He ducked another glowing ball of lightning. “Poor Princess, I do hope you’re better at croquet!”

Alice groaned inwardly, both at Celestia’s ineffective aim and at yet another reference to Alice in Wonderland. She had better make the next one a hedgehog.

Discord headed for the pond outside of Ponyville, all the while dodging more of Celestia's incandescent projectiles. Seeing the water made Alice wonder if his serpentine body would be equally quick at swimming.

She never got to find out, however, because Discord merely skipped across the surface. Alice stared in disbelief. He may not have had much magic available, but was still somehow able to pull a Jesus. Rather, a Jesus Lizard. Recovering, she taunted, “Hey dragon-boy! Just who do you think you're trying to impress? It's been done!”

On the wet earth of the shoreline Celestia dropped to her knees and thrust her hands into the pond, pulling energy from it as quickly as she could manage. A wave of ice swept after Discord. He staggered comically, his legs kicking at air when he found it impossible to get any traction on the slick surface.

The Princess instantly flashed the pond back to water and Discord sank. As he fell in up to his neck she refroze it, trapping the Draconequus.

Alice and Celestia walked carefully out onto the surface of the ice, bending down to get face-to-face with Discord. He smiled weakly. “I thought we were friends and then you go and do something like this to me. That’s just cold.”

“Shut up,” said Alice.

Celestia spoke. “Discord, we haven’t gotten many chances to speak candidly over the years. We both know that you don’t have a tremendous amount of magical ability. Your power lies in altering reality and the laws of nature. And now it would appear your batteries are drained.”

Discord yawned. “But enough about me, I’d love to hear how you plan to go on with the rest of your life like this.”

“This is where I tell you that you’re going to fix what you changed,” said Celestia.

“And this is where I tell you: nope.” Discord grinned. “You mad?”

Celestia gave him a look that was rather unprincesslike. “We’ll find a way to convince you.”

“What, put me back inside a statue?” Discord rolled his eyes. “After a couple thousand years in there, it’s not so bad. And I know you aren’t the kind who would do anything more unpleasant than that to me, Celestia.”

“What are you talking about?” The Princess’ eyes narrowed. “I once sent my own sister to the moon. What do you think I could do to somepony I disliked?”

“See, imprisonment is really all the punishment you are capable of, Celestia. You aren’t cruel.”

“That might be the first nice thing you’ve ever said to me,” the Princess replied.

Discord shrugged as well as he could, being up to his neck in ice. “Hey, I’m not cruel either, I just love a bit of crazy fun. Do you ever get crazy, Celestia?”

“This isn’t getting us anywhere,” put in Alice. She walked over to the shore, picked up a rock and returned. “Princess, if you transform this into a pair of pliers, I’ll start pulling his teeth.”

Discord’s eyebrows went up. Celestia made a calming gesture. “We aren’t going to hurt him.”

“And why not?” demanded Alice. “What if that’s what it takes to get results from this nut? He deserves it!”

“Has he ever hurt you?” asked Celestia. “Even if the answer was yes, wouldn't retaliation just be sinking down to his level?”

“Don’t you understand?” shouted Alice. “He took me away from my home, my friends, and everything I knew. Josh might be dead, and I have no idea what happened in the last few weeks of my own life!”

“Calm down—”

“No! Things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows. You can’t just roll over and let things happen to you, because then it only gets worse.” Alice tossed her head and the pistol flew out of Celestia’s holster.

The Princess moved to stop her, but Alice telekinetically pushed her away over the surface of the ice. She chambered a round in the gun and pointed it at Discord’s face.

Every part of the Draconequus’ face showed surprise and alarm. “I enjoy chaos myself, but this is…a bit much.”

“I’m human, it comes naturally.” Alice’s eyes bored into Discord’s uneven pupils. “Give me what I want.”

“Well, it’s not quite that simple. I already told you, I’m close to being magically exhausted.” Discord’s eyes crossed, looking at the end of the gun barrel that hovered just past his snout.

“You’d better try your hardest then. They say you’re immortal, but nobody ever called you invulnerable.”

“I think we’re past crazy and getting to the point of cruel.” Discord looked panicked.

Alice moved the gun to the base of one of his ears. “We’ll start here. If I have to, I’ll shoot off your other ear too, and start looking for other painful places.”

“I’ll do it! I’ll help you!”

“I heard you lie a lot, Discord.”

“I swear! I swear on my magic that I’ll help you switch bodies and go home!”

“Celestia, can we trust him to keep his word?”

The Princess came walking over. “An oath like that binds him to it.” Celestia started clapping her hands. “And if I may say so, good acting, Alice!”

Discord cut his eyes back and forth between the two of them. “You... you set me up?”

Celestia shrugged. “We had some time to talk on the trip from Canterlot.”

“That’s…wow.” Discord chuckled. “Celestia the prim and proper leader of Equestria learns to use chaos to her advantage. I never thought I’d see the day. Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever had such a joke played on me. I feel like celebrating. Anypony want to dance?”

Discord broke into an enthusiastic laugh that tapered off until he looked reasonably serious. “There’s still the problem of power. You’ll also probably want a time-travel enchantment to put Alice back when Celestia left.” He grinned. “You should freak out Josh by pretending to still be the Princess.”

“He’s okay?” Alice asked hopefully.

Discord nodded. “That was a heck of a show you put on, Celestia. People were running around confused and weirded out that they were still alive.”

Celestia also looked relieved. “I can put all the necessary spells together and Alice can power them. Discord, if you would be so kind as to facilitate the transition into the other universe.”

“Oh, okay, I guess I did swear that I would.”

A contingent of Royal Guards arrived, the six Element Bearers following in an official chariot. Twilight Sparkle came running over. She glanced at Discord with suspicion and asked, “What can we do to help, Princess?”

“We need a few spellbooks,” said Celestia. She gave the unicorn their titles, and Twilight asked a few of the Guardsponies to take her quickly to the library in the chariot. Returning a few minutes later, she helped the Princess begin to lay out the magic to be performed.

Celestia looked at Alice. “Despite all my experience, saying goodbye to a friend never becomes any easier.”

Alice smiled, leaning forward to bow. “Fair winds and following seas, Princess. It was good to meet you.” And I'll forever see your face in the looking glass.

“I wish you and Josh the best.” Celestia smiled. She began the spell.

Months later…

“I’m still trying to figure out how Discord’s magic works.” Twilight showed Princess Celestia some of the notes she had made during an all-night research session. “The efficiency of pony magic could be greatly improved if we could apply some of his techniques.”

“I appreciate your efforts, Twilight, but you understand how careful you have to be with this,” said Celestia. She touched her student on the shoulder with a hoof, slightly worried that Twilight was becoming obsessed. “I trust you to use good judgment.”

“If we managed extreme-distance teleportation, maybe we could visit the other world to set up diplomatic relations?” suggested Twilight hopefully.

Celestia looked doubtful. “I'm not sure all the residents of Earth would react well to our arrival. There are genuinely good and decent people there, but also many who would probably treat it like an alien invasion.”

Twilight tried again. “A few small scientific expeditions, then? You brought back some really interesting ideas with you, and I’d love to know more.”

The Princess sighed. “I’m not going to say no, but I want you to proceed with the utmost caution.”

Twilight nodded. “It could take many years to figure it out anyway. I promise I won’t rush into anything without your consent.”

“Thank you.” Celestia looked up as a steward came in with breakfast. The Princess and her student dug in. While the ingredients were not the same, Celestia expected tofu-bacon to be a great hit in Equestria!

The carrier had been tied to the pier and crew members were beginning to depart. Alice and Josh walked down the gangway together, their hands coming together after they were out of sight of the ship.

“I needed this vacation,” said Alice. “Since I didn’t get one the last time we were in Hawaii.”

Josh leaned over and kissed her. “It wasn’t any fun without you anyway. Let’s just take the time and relax. No North Korea, no teeth, no ponies.”

Alice laughed. “That works for me.”

Josh hailed a taxi and opened the door for Alice. The two of them got in and gave the driver the address of the hotel. He took her hand. “Did I ever tell you I’m lucky to have you? Please promise me you won't travel off the planet and leave me here again, okay?”

This time, it was Alice that leaned forward for the kiss. “I promise. Anyway, it just wasn't Wonderland without you.”

Author note:

That's all, folks!

Thanks to V-pony for one of Discord's lines.

Even more thanks to Dafaddah, who is largely responsible to editing this story into what it is. Go read his stuff. It's pretty cool.