I-I know it sounds stupid. Please… Please! I know it is stupid. B-But that doesn’t change anything now. It’s all my fault. All of this. Everything! I-If she had never g-gotten that b-book, that… bucking book…

M-Maybe this is my punishment, y-you know, what I have to live with. I deserve so much worse. I-I deserve Tartarus, or banishment, maybe even being banished to Tartarus forever!

Maybe then Twilight would feel better…

After Hearth’s Warming Day, I dropped by each of the girls’ homes to see how they were doing. Applejack was easily the most restless, aside from me. I couldn’t fly for nearly as long as I wanted to, and she couldn’t do any work aside from de-icing a few trees out in the orchards. She summed up rather nicely how hard that was.

“Ah can finish up that ‘mount of work ‘fore its lunch time.” After the Running of the Leaves Competition, it was kind of easy for me to see just how alike AJ and I were. I couldn’t call a day complete without a good long flight and she couldn’t call a day well spent unless she was working her tail off.

Fluttershy was still busy sorting all of Pinkie Pie’s gifts. Honestly, that mare had been given more stuff than she already had. When she invited me in, she made sure to tell me to not open a few doors in her home. It only took a look of curiosity from me for her to explain.

“Oh, um, it’s just… I couldn’t find where to put all of Pinkie’s gifts so… I had to, oh, force them into storage. I feel just awful, but I know I’ll be able to use all the feed in the spring.” I didn’t’ doubt that either. Still, it was almost a bit terrifying, the thought that if I opened the wrong door in her house that I might be killed beneath an avalanche of food and candy. Not exactly the most unpleasant way to go, but still.

When I went to the Cake’s Bakery, I didn’t see Pinkie Pie, at first. That changed quickly.

No sooner did I trot to the front door, that I was bombarded with snowballs. I yelped in fright as the freezing snow hit my coat, melting against my fur. I ducked for cover behind the nearest object I could find, which just happened to be a candy cane poll. Even in cover though, the snow balls continue to descend on me. I raised my wings to cover my eyes, cursing out my stupidity for not realizing what was coming.

Of course Pinkie Pie was going to prank me. She didn’t have her gift form Applejack yet, so she would probably be trying to ambush every pony in Ponyville at this point. I just happened to be unfortunate enough to stumble into her radar.

“Tired yet Dashie?” I heard the pink pony call to me. Provided, yeah, it was pretty hard to hear her through an earful of snow, melting snow no less. I shook my head and body hard, freeing any of the cold flakes caught in my coat and wings. I nearly jumped back into the snow when Pinkie popped in front of me, smiling like she always does and most likely always will.

“Wet? Yeah. Tired? Not yet.” Before she had a moment to think, I dashed as fast as I could by her, lifting the snow behind me as I did. My hooves slid across the slick surface of the snow covered streets, trying to stop myself from my burst of speed. When I turned around, I started laughing out loud.

Where Pinkie Pie was once standing was now an alabaster pony with a poofy white mane and large blue eyes. It was easily the fastest and most well done snow mare I had ever made. Pinkie Pie shook herself free like I had, joining my laughter. No matter what end of the prank she was on, that earth pony knew how to have a good time.

Honest as AJ here, I thought seeing Rarity would be a bore. I mean, every time I go by her place, I just keep getting pulled into modeling for her. Just imagine my surprise when instead of modeling for her, she asked me to come in and try some of her home baked cookies instead. And colt, those were good! Not that I ever thought Rarity was a bad baker, but Pinkie is the pony with the talent for sweets. Seriously, these would give her cupcakes a run for their money.

Sweetie Bell was apparently off with Spike, trying to enjoy a good snowball fight with the rest of the crusaders. All they needed to do was walk by Sugar Cube Corner and they’d be all set. Still though, coming back home to a tray full of warm cookies was something I’m sure any kid would appreciate. The mention of Spike though reminded me I had one more stop to make.

Twilight Sparkle’s library.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited to see what she was doing with the book I gave her. She jumped so easily at the idea of a journal that I half way imagined her spending the better part of the winter writing down her life’s story. Wouldn’t be the first time she went off the deep end with some ridiculous goal. Still, I had to at least hear what she was up to.

I ended up trotting across the snow to the library. I was pretty sure at this point that I had already used up all the time that I could for my wings. The cold air would have felt great if I wasn’t caught between excited and paranoid about my feathers molting midflight. I don’t normally take to any height that’ll outright do me in if I fall, but still, avoiding pain is always a plus.

The library was the same as ever when I was finally in sight of it, but with the windows and door all tightly shut. Made sense though, I mean, what pony was fond of the cold? Raising my hoof, I knocked on the front door.

“Hey Twilight, you home?” I called out, waiting for an answer from the studious mare. Silence lingered on for a moment before I heard the familiar sound of hooves hurrying towards the door. I smirked.

“Hi Rainbow.” Twilight spoke as she opened the door to me, horn glowing with the same magical aura. “How are you doing?”

“I’m cool, just seeing how the rest of the girls are doing, you know?” She nodded with a growing smile. Oh yeah, if anypony understood that, it was going to be Twilight.

“Of course! I’m sorry I didn’t invite you over sooner, I’ve just been so busy recently.” I’m pretty sure I knew the answer as to why, but still, a little teasing always did me a world of good.

“Oh? Why’s that? What could Twilight Sparkle possibly be doing after Hearth’s Warming Day to be so busy that she forgets to invite her friends over?” For a moment, just a moment, like a blink of an eye, I saw a flash of pain go across her lavender gaze, like I had slapped her. I worked to take back what I said, but stopped when I saw the smile break out on her face, followed by a string of giggles. Disaster avoided

“Well, I’m working on the journal you gave me.” I knew it. “Honestly Rainbow, I’ve been trying to go through and-” She stopped talking. That confused me.

“Twi? You alright?” She nodded her head up and down.

“Oh, yes, I just... I almost spoiled it.” Spoiled?

“Are you trying to surprise me with something?” Gotta admit, Twilight wasn’t the first pony that came to mind when I thought of surprises. The mare I thought of for that was obvious. But still, I wouldn’t put it far past her.

“Well… not exactly.” My confusion had yet to be settled. “It’s more like an experiment of sorts. I want to keep outside variables to a minimum, so I’m only allowing myself to be a part of the procedure.” That made… more sense, I guess. Not complete sense, but then again, anything science related would probably fly over my head when it came from Twilight. I hate that expression.

“So… like, do the rest of us get a turn?” She gave the most relaxed expression I had ever seen before answering.

“When it’s finished, I promise I’ll let you have a turn Rainbow.” I smiled in response, pulling her into a quick hug with my wings. She was warm, definitely warmer than the air outside.

“That a girl.”

Without waiting a moment longer, I left the library, flying back into the sky.

The next time I saw Twilight was a few days later. I was resting on a cloud up above the Ponyville market, enjoying the sun that beat down on my outstretched wings. There wasn’t even a breeze in the air to chill me, and with the direct rays from Celestia’s ball in the sky, it felt like a sauna, a really comfy outdoor sauna.

Anyways, it was when I turned over to let the other side of my wings warm up that I saw her. She was walking across the snow covered streets just beneath me. It was hard to miss her. I’m pretty sure she was the only mare in Ponyville with a completely lavender coat.

She looked tired, but satisfied, like she had just finished a reading marathon. I probably wasn’t too far off the mark. The journal I had given her was sticking out of a satchel over her torso. I didn’t know then, but it was probably sticking out just a bit on purpose, just so she could take it out to write if need be.

But that’s Twilight, taking everything she does to the extreme.

When I flew down next to her, she jumped slightly. I didn’t mean to scare her, but I couldn’t help but give a proud smirk at the reaction. I was still fast enough to shock my closest friends. Perfect.

“Gotcha Twilight.” I spoke with pride. Her expression of shock slowly changed back into the tired smile from before.

“Yeah Rainbow, you got me alright.” She admitted my victory like it happened every day. Counting all of our friends, it probably did. Though, also being fair, I probably pranked Rarity and Applejack more often than Twilight. I wouldn’t prank Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie… that’s just impossible.

“So how’s it hanging?” I asked her, falling in hoof with her pace. Even for me, it seemed slower than usual. “Been staying busy?”

“Oh, of course.” Twilight answered with a nod of her head.

“So, are you gonna tell me what that book is for now?” Even though I smiled as I spoke the question, an odd sense of giddiness towards the idea of finally figuring out the mystery, Twilight seemed to shy away. That was weird, and my mind registered it immediately. Since when was Twilight sparkle afraid to explain something?

“I-I don’t know. You might not like it.” Her hooves played with one another, gaze avoiding mine. My smile slowly began to fall.

“Hey, there’s no way I can feel disappointed about you using my gift, I’m just curious is all.” Seriously, I wanted to know. I don’t know what I said, but apparently somewhere in my sentence was the magic word, cause Twilight finally spilled the beans.

“I’ve been trying to turn the gift you gave me into a list.” That didn’t irk me, but it did confuse me?

“A list?” I asked, eyebrow raising with my voice. “Twilight, hate to break it to you, but I didn’t really intend for that to be used as a shopping list or something.” Then again, it would be better for it to be used for something so simple. Better than what I had originally wanted it to be.

“I-It’s not a shopping list, it’s a personal list.” My confusion had yet to leave, and now, I was curious about why her voice was jumping. Her voice never jumped, ever. Not even when she accused Chrysalis of being a fraud. Even though she was right, it still wasn’t something a pony did every day. What was happening that she felt the need to… well… be nervous?

“I… What? What’s a personal list?” I saw for only a moment. I swear it went through her eyes faster than I could ever hope to fly, so faint and subtle that unless I was looking for it, I probably would have missed it.

Twilight was scared.

“I-It’s um…” She stumbled over her words, her eyes avoided me, she was slowly moving away from me. By this point, wherever she was going, she wasn’t anymore. We were both standing still, or at least I was.

“Twilight.” I spoke her name with force. I had to get her attention. I had to. She shouldn’t be hiding something like this.

“Hold on.” The clarity of her words, I obeyed. I watched as her horn flared, bringing the book from out of her satchel.

So it was about the book. Did she find some kind of hidden message it in? Was it not actually empty? Maybe she spilled ink over it, and was going to find a specialist to have it removed. Yeah, that one made since. She’s was probably just beating herself up over something small again. It would be just like the Smarty Pa-

My thoughts stopped as I saw a quill levitate itself from her pouch, falling into the teeth of her mouth. That alone stopped me dead.

Twilight Sparkle, the most powerful, talented, and skilled unicorn I had ever met, was using her teeth to write instead of her magic.

What the hay was happening?

“Twilight.” I spoke again, trotting forwards, trying to move around her. Whatever she was writing, I had to find out. Maybe it was the noise I made, or maybe it was just me calling her, but as soon as our eyes met, she backpedaled away from me. Was… was she scared of me now?

I took flight instantly, trying to move overhead of her. As soon as I did, she closed the book, quill in between the pages. She looked at me again, eyes more pained than I had ever seen them before.

“Please don’t.” My breath caught in my throat. She sounded so small so… terrified. What the buck was going on? As soon as my hooves hit the ground, I confronted her.

“Twilight, what is going on?” She shrunk in front of me, book falling to the ground as she curled closer to the dirt. Her hooves pulled the green covered journal closer to her, gripping it with something I’d expect more from a drowning pony and a life vest. Tears were starting to collect in her eyes.

I didn’t stop.

“Girl, seriously, what is going on? Did you hurt somepony?” She shook her head, hard. “Is somepony dying?” Her mane whipped like a tree branch with the force she was putting into her head. “Then what the hay are you writing that has you so scared?” Her body froze as she gazed up at me. Her forelegs only gripped the thing harder.

“Let me see it.” It didn’t sound like a request, and honestly, even now, I didn’t want it to be one. I wanted to know, badly, desperately even, what the hay was so bad in those pages. I mean… if Twilight Sparkle was scared by it, than I had to at least know.

She pushed with her rear legs, scooting across the dirt, away from me. I didn’t stop.

“Twilight,” I spoke with strength. “Let me see the book.” I was stronger than her, and she knew it. Apparently, she knew it too well.

“I-I gotta go.” I opened my mouth to argue, maybe even catch her by the tail.

But she was gone in a flash of white.

The next pony to have a conversation with her was Applejack. When I found her, she looked like she was slapped. That’s exactly what I said to. But she didn’t fight back with me at all, she just looked up at me with shocked green eyes. The she spoke, and her words are still as clear to me as the sun burning in the sky.

“Wha’ happened ta Twilight?”

I only found out much later that she had seen Twilight walking through the market. The unicorn had the book in her satchel, like I saw her, but apparently her coat was dirty, frazzled, something that would give Rarity a heart attack. Applejack told me that she was minding her stall, actually waiting for Spike to come and pick up the weekly apple delivery, but the little guy had never come by. So when she saw Twilight, the first thing she thought was that the mare had taken Spike’s duties for the day.

The cowpony looked at me with such… pain. She watched Twilight for what was the better part of a good half an hour before finally calling over the mare. The unicorn had, apparently, frozen in her tracks at the sound of Applejack’s voice. If there was one thing AJ made clear to me, it was what she saw when Twilight turned around.

There were heavy tears in her eyes.

Before the earth pony could trot over and ask what was wrong, Twilight was gone… again, just like with me. A flash of white and a bit of magic.

When Applejack told me that, I started to look all over Ponyville for her. The library was either closed or empty, because all the lights were off and no one, not even Spike answered the door. Rarity hadn’t seen her, neither had Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy said that she thought she saw Twilight, but swore she was mistaken. I didn’t have to ask for her to explain why, she told me.

“Because, um… Twilight wouldn’t run from me.”

I agreed with her, completely. Twilight wouldn’t run from any of us, ever. We were best friends, amigos, the freaking Elements of Harmony for crying out loud. And Twilight, she was Magic, she was the reason why we were all brought together so tightly. For her to be… what’s the word… actively avoiding us? The idea of Celestia attempting to sexually harm others seemed more likely than that.

But every pony I asked, somepony I knew well or not, all came up with the same thing. They either hadn’t seen her, only caught glimpses of her, or saw her running away the moment they tried to talk to her. I didn’t buy that, not for a second. There was no way Twilight would actively try and avoid everyone, right?

I mean, she did a while ago, but that was literally years ago. Since then, she had made so many friends, done so many things, and now she considered it a failure of a day unless she saw almost everypony at least once. The only pony more crazy than her about that was Pinkie Pie, but even she couldn’t believe that Twilight was doing this.

Something didn’t add up, and none of us knew what it was. All I knew was that Twilight was in trouble. Why she was in trouble… I-I really wish I knew then. But I didn’t, I really didn’t. No pony did.

It wasn’t long before we saw Twilight less and less, spotting her on the snow covered streets just about as common as visits from Princess Celestia. Every time one of us saw her she looked tired, worn… old even. There were no smiles on her lips, no magic from her horn, and no spark in her eyes. It was like she was being drained of everything that made her… her.

The purple unicorn that came from Canterlot was gone. She wasn’t the determined and courageous mare I saw charge Nightmare Moon, she wasn’t the prized student who fearlessly challenged Discord, and she was the farthest thing from the confident pony that unveiled the disguise of Queen Chrysalis. Now she looked… broken.

I hate that word. But, I can’t think of any other way to describe her.

Her hooves lift with the weight of the world in each step, her head hanging low, mane frazzled, tail unkempt, and her coat shades darker than before. It was like at any moment she was ready to break down and cry.

And still she carried around that book.

Her lips would move over the pages with a quill, writing down words that none of us have yet to see. Every time I tried to get close to her, she would slam the book closed, looking at me with red eyes I couldn’t bear to look at. I’d turn my head and look away. When I looked back, she’d be gone, either down the street or in the now rare flash of magic.

No one knew what was going on, and I asked every friend I had. Rarity was shocked by Twilight’s appearance, astounded by the near catatonic state of our friend. Fluttershy was beyond simply worried, her eyes tearing up every time she saw the unicorn drag herself down the street. Applejack was caught between confusion and anger, confused if she should be angry with a friend keeping painful secrets. Pinkie Pie was probably the worst, her mane and tail shaking every time she saw the lavender unicorn walk down the streets.

Me, I was horrified, still am horrified.

By all that I can tell, this all started because of that stupid book I gave her, almost a month ago now. She was so excited about it, having a journal with a unique binding, cover, and pre-bound parchment. Now… now it looks like it’s sucking out her soul. My gift, my joke, my mistake is killing Twilight.

What was she doing? What was she writing? What about that stupid book was turning Twilight into… some twisted version of herself?

I didn’t know, but I was going to find out.

“Twilight?” I called into the dark home, expecting a cry of protest for my intrusion. None came. “Twi’, are you in here?” Again, nothing but silence flowed through my ears. My eyes scanned what I could from the entrance. I didn’t think I was in Twilight’s home. Books were strewn across the floor, lying down on the pages with the bindings open, creasing the parchment in ways I know would normally send the lavender unicorn over a mountain.

I took tentative steps forward, careful not to trip over anything. My hooves shuffled a few stray pages of paper across the ground, a light layer of dust billowing upwards with each of my steps. Where the hay was Spike? Wasn’t it like, his job to clean this stuff up? Even Twilight would eventually fix this up.

I pushed the questions aside as I continued deeper into the, quite honestly, spooky home. One of my wings extended outwards, brushing against the wall next to me for guidance. I pushed back and forth against the spines of the books on the shelves, occasionally falling into place where a novel or two was missing.

It didn’t bother me too much that the library was a mess, I mean, I’ve seen what Twilight did with some of her experiments, but the fact that no pony, not even Spike was cleaning it up? That seriously worried me. Compared to everything else though, it hit pretty low on the scale.

“Twilight!” I shouted as I felt one of my hooves hit the bottom step of the stairs. When nothing but silence met my ears, I knew I would have to go deeper into the library. I couldn’t remember the last time I had trotted up a flight of stairs, not since my wings started working right at least. But I trusted my legs in the dark more than my feathered friends.

One by one, my legs moved up the steps, my wing remaining extended as I brushed it against the smooth wooden wall of Twilight’s home. I felt the dust collect on my coat, but I couldn’t care right now. All my attention, my focus, was on finding Twilight in this dark home.

A breath of air escaped my lungs when I took a step that wasn’t there. I caught myself from falling with a quick beat of my wings. It caught my fall, but I sneezed right afterwards, dust billowing in the darkness from the fresh gust of air I had just pushed. With a shake, I strained my eyes in the dark again, looking for the outline of any doors. My wing hit the handle of a door frame before I saw it.

I gave it a push, and earned not distance. I gave it a pull, and got just as much out of it. Locked, and tight, too. I didn’t have to think long to know what that meant.

Twilight was in there.

“Twilight?” I called gently, knocking on the wood with my hoof. “I know you’re in there.” No response, still the empty silence I had been hearing since I entered the library. “C’mon Twilight, open the door.” Still nothing, not even a rustle of sheets or clopping of hooves. I bit my lip. This would be a bit harder than I thought.

“If you don’t open the door, I’m going to kick it down.” Provided, yes, I didn’t know if I could. Didn’t have the best of luck with doing that in the past, but still… it was better than doing nothing. But then, I finally heard a sound, one that wasn’t my own voice or hooves.

The door clicked.

“Twilight?” I spoke the name again in a lower tone, trying to get a response through the door. I got nothing. Still, I know what I heard. Raising a hoof, I pressed it against the handle again, pushing with the weight of my body behind me.

This time, the door slowly swung open.

At first, I didn’t see anything different in the room than I had outside. It was dark, pages and books were scattered across the floor, and something was moving over the only bed in the room.

Wait…

“Twilight!” I couldn’t help the raise in my voice, giving a small flap of my wings as I jumped over to her. It was almost impossible to see her in the dark, but seriously, who else could it be? I didn’t know any other ponies that lived in the library, and Spike definitely didn’t have a horn. The reminder flashed through my head, telling me Spike wasn’t here, but I pushed it aside. Twilight would know, all I had to do was get her to talk.

But… she hadn’t done anything more than adjust herself on her bed since I came in. She didn’t speak, she didn’t sigh, hay, I had a hard time just hearing her breath, and I have some pretty sharp ears, too.

“Yo Twilight.” I raised my hoof, pushing it against her side. “Are you okay?” Her form was cold beneath my hoof, honestly just a bit warmer than the air outside, but the air was cold enough to keep water frozen and let clouds snow.

“I’m fine.” Without kidding, without joking, I nearly hit the roof when she spoke. She sounded nothing like the Twilight that I knew. She wasn’t chipper, focused, curious, wondrous, or even just annoyed. She sounded plain, flat, almost like she was… dead. I swallowed a lump in my throat.

“H-Here.” I stuttered over the word. “L-Let me get a light.” I turned from the bed, walking cautiously in the dark. My memory wasn’t the best, but I knew she had a desk in this room somewhere and if there was a desk, there was a very good chance she had a candle to go with it. Given that this was Twilight Sparkle, a mare famous for burning the candle at both ends, it was a pretty safe bet there was one somewhere in the room.

My forehoof hit a wooden object in front of me, just barely visible under the darkness of the room. Tracing the frame, I heard the sound of crumpling paper. This was definitely her desk. I reached forward over it, moving slowly to stop myself from knocking the waxy object over, if I found it. My hooves traced over a few stray pieces of paper, an open book, some quills, a bottle of ink, but I finally found my prize, sitting at the far corner of the square shape.

I pulled it closer to me, reaching beneath the desk to grab at a piece of flint. I saw Twilight use this once before, knowing her, it was a pretty safe bet she wasn’t going to move it far from where she kept it. I gave a small grunt of success when I felt the hard object in my hoof.

“Alright, give me a sec here.” I called gently behind me. I received no response. I didn’t let it bother me. In a second, I’d be able to see her, then we could talk out what the hay was going on. I was sure, so sure.

The flint sparked in my hoof as a knocked it against the hard undersurface of my hoof, holding it just above the waxy wick of the candle. A few hits, a few tries, but finally brought a small, warm, flame to life. I smiled as I felt the glow over my features, warming me up in this pretty frigid place.

“Perfect!” I cheered, turning around to see Twilight. “Now we can-”.

I stopped.

That wasn’t Twilight… It couldn’t be.

A frazzled mane with dull colors was thrown over her head. Hairs that weren’t split and curling were hanging uselessly over her face or knotting into one another. I could only just make out her eyes beneath the dreary strands of hair, sunken in and half lidded, looking at me with an emotion I still can’t name. And her coat, it was so… gray, so dark. It looked old and sodden, like the bed sheets she was lying on.

This… this couldn’t be Twilight Sparkle.

“A-Are you okay?” I took hesitant steps towards her. I was honestly scared, terrified even. I was expecting something different, yeah, no kidding, but… but this was beyond different. This was like twisted different. She let out a low sigh, pushing at the stray flat strands of her mane that hung over her muzzle.

“There isn’t any reason why you should be worried about me Rainbow.” Seriously now, her voice was getting spooky. I mean, she just spoke the sentence like she had recited it from a book. A book…

Oh no…

“Twilight?” I asked in a voice that concealed nothing of my fear, pitch high, and if she could see well enough with the candle, eyes wide. “What were you writing in the book?”

“I told you before.” She didn’t sound annoyed, or angry, or even spiteful. Just… tired. “A personal list.”

“What’s a personal list?” She couldn’t run away now. Not here. This unicorn, huddled up on her bed, had nowhere to warp to now. I heard her sigh before I saw the outlines of her head turn towards me.

“A collection of my accomplishments… and failures.”

There. Right there. That was it. That was what was ruining her. It was the book, it was her lists, but now I knew what she was writing down. What failures did she possibly have to write?

“Where is it Twilight?” I asked with more force than I should have, but I didn’t want to wait. Twilight couldn’t wait. She didn’t speak again though, at least not at any volumes that I could hear. Instead, her head turned towards the candle, eyes shimmering like glass under the reflection of the light. It took me the better part of the moment to realize she wasn’t ignoring me, but looking at something. I followed her gaze.

On the desk with the light, just beneath the soft glow, was the thing that had started all of this. It looked no different on the outside than the day I wrapped it in the box, giving it to Twilight like the precious gift that I wanted it to be. Now… now I don’t think there’s a thing in existence I hated more.

I trotted over to it, eyeing it with contempt. It was shut, though not bound in such a way. I lifted my hoof and opened the book up. It was on some random page in the middle, closer to the front than the back. Both pages were absolutely filled with black ink. Just like Twilight said, both pages, up and down, were lists. From left to right, it started at number 342 with the page ending at 351. Next to each number was a sentence, phrase, or even just a word. My eyes scanned over one of them.

#344: Took 1.5 hours longer than expected to reorganize books in Fantasy section

What? What was that? I had just read it and I didn’t even know what it meant. Twilight… Twilight said that this was a collection of her accomplishments and failures. Did she think this was a failure of some kind? Sure, she didn’t finish something like she wanted to, but she got it done.

I pushed the pages back, moving closer to the beginning. I picked a line and starting reading.

#95: Entered the Everfree Forest alone
#96: Frozen by a cockatrice despite knowledge of counter-spell
#97: Forgot to thank Fluttershy for saving my life
#98: Never went to Zecora’s Hut as planned
#99: Recipe for truth serum unfinished due to lack of ingredients

My head was shaking back and forth as I moved my eyes away from the pages. Did she… did Twilight think that these were failures? Missing a few dates? Forgetting a few numbers? I did that daily! And… and these were all from years ago. Why was she listing them down now? Was she trying to make up for some kind of lost time? Where the hay were all of the accomplishments for crying out loud!

I pushed huge clumps of pages aside, reaching near the end. The pages were just as filled as the front, but the writing, the ink was so sloppy. It didn’t take too long for me to figure out that this must have been close to where she started writing with her mouth over her magic. I bit my lip before I read the next line.

#677: Ran away from Applejack
#678: Ran away from Fluttershy
#679: Lied to Spike to send him to Canterlot
#680: Lied to Princess Celestia for sending Spike to Canterlot
#681: Lied to Shining Armor for not letting him visit me.
#682-

I slammed the book shut.

“T-Twilight.” I swallowed a ball in my throat. I wasn’t crying, I wasn’t scared, I… I was just confused. “What… what is this?”

“I told you, it’s-” I cut her off.

“No!” I shouted moving as close to her as I could. She didn’t cower beneath me or stare back at me defiantly. She was just as motionless as she was the moment I walked into the room. “I mean why are you keeping track of trash like that!?”

“That trash is my life, Rainbow.” Took me a full minute to understand what she meant by that.

“That’s a bunch of horse feathers!” I shouted again. Loudly. I don’t know why I was shouting, but then… I couldn’t think of any other way to speak, not while she was saying so many... well, lies.

“Has anything in there not happened?” Her voice was so condescending, like Chrysalis speaking down to Celestia. I shivered, and the cold had nothing to do with it.

“Well… no, but what about all the good that you’ve done!?” I shouted into her face. Shouted, like a bully trying to scare his kid brother. “You’re Twilight Sparkle, the smartest unicorn to ever come out of Canterlot.”

“Only because of your Sonic Rainboom.” She tried to stop me, but I wasn’t going to give up. Not for her.

“You memorized every book in the library.”

“A lifetime of reading what others have accomplished and done, reminding me that I haven’t done anything nearly as significant.” This was already getting ridiculously stupid.

“You’re the only pony that figured out the threat of Nightmare Moon and Chrysalis.”

“Only because I couldn’t stop one from appearing, and it took a princess to prove I was right for the other.”

“You’re the Element of Magic!” My voice was growing desperate, rising in pitch. My eyes were already preparing themselves for the inevitable.

“That’s useless without everypony else.” I shook my head furiously. That wasn’t true at all. If anything, we were useless without her! Why did she think the opposite? Why was she twisting everything?

“Stop it!” I shouted. She just gave me a blank look, passive and empty.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re twisting everything awesome and cool you’ve done into… lies! H-How can you think being good at magic is a bad thing?”

“It’s not.” Hope swelled like a sponge in water instantly in me. But, she continued to speak. “That’s listed as an accomplishment at the beginning of the book. But, I am only that way because of the work and gifts of others.”

This wasn’t good. This was bad. This was really bad. But I couldn’t stop. No way. I had to keep going. I had to keep trying.

“You’re the only pony who was able to break free from Discord. You saved me!” I didn’t have to hide it. I was desperate to prove her wrong. My hoof was jabbing itself towards her curled and self-beaten form before turning and slamming into my chest. Maybe it was the hit, but I shook myself out of something.

Twilight helped me then, she needed me know. So I wasn’t going to stop.

“No.” She spoke simply, factually, believing the single worded statement like a pony asking if she had wings on her back. “Princess Celestia saved me. She sent me all of the reports I had given her from the past year.”

“Reports written by you!” My muzzle had replaced my hoof, breathing just inches away from Twilight’s own. The hairs on her gray coat swayed under my breath. I wasn’t touching her, not physically, but I could tell she was cold, freezing even. “Those were letters you wrote about everything you learned! No pony had ever done that before. That was all you.”

“No.” She said again. “That was me commenting about you and everypony else. All I did was observe and report. I remember causing a few of the problems even.”

“And you fixed them.”

“With your help.”

“That’s what friends do Twilight!” My eyes were wet. Why were they wet? Was I crying? I must have been, because Twilight wasn’t. She wasn’t doing anything at all.

“Friends take advantage of their friends?” She asked the question like it was a real one, like she generally wanted my opinion of something so… stupid!

“No!” I shouted back. My leg quickly rubbed against my eyes, pushing away the water that was getting in my way. “Friends help one another. We depend on one another. No pony can do everything, so we look to others for help in things we can’t do alone!” It was hard to see, even with the faint candle light, but somehow, I just knew Twilight was going to say how wrong I was. But I wasn’t done.

“We all have our problems, but what matters is that we can get through them together. Pinkie Pie is crazy, Fluttershy is a wimp, Rarity is a brat, Applejack’s ignorant, and I’m dense! But you Twilight,” took a deep breath, making sure not even a syllable sounded forced. “You are possibly the only reason why we can stick together for so long.”

For a time, I heard nothing. She didn’t move, I didn’t move, and I could only tell we were breathing because neither of us had keeled over yet.

“You’re right.” I felt all the tension leave my body as she said those two simple words. A smile had replaced my scowl, eyes already beginning to dry. That was stupid of me, so stupid of me.

Her next words changed everything.

“Friends do cause problems. They remind us that we’re worthless, useless, inadequate, and pointless. They just bring you problems and hope you can solve them. That’s all I did to you, to everypony. All I did was just make you girls miserable. That’s the only reason we were able to stay together.” No that… that was all wrong. I knew it had to be. I-I just knew it!

“Every problem I make, you girls have to work harder to fix. I eventually made so many things go wrong that you all had to work together to solve them. I even made the princess work together with the Changeling Queen after I blew up at the wedding.” What was she talking about? Celestia didn’t work with Chyrsalis. I mean… she didn’t know! She thought she was helping Princess Cadance, not that evil thing!

“You’re just so right Rainbow. We do all have our problems. Mine are just so bad that you and everypony else have to work together to fix them. Parasprites, cockatrices, a cerberus, even Spike growing up.” What was she saying? Did she seriously think those were all her fault? I… I didn’t even know what to think, let alone say.

“But… it looks like I wasn’t the only one.”

I looked into her eyes and I saw nothing of the Twilight that I knew. All I saw in her eyes and all I heard from her mouth was a cruel truth that… that I was a foal for ignoring.

“You did give me the journal.”

I had to stop.

My hooves were shaking. Why? I-I wasn’t afraid of her, I wasn’t scared of her. It’s stupid. I keep asking myself why I was shaking so badly, crying like a foal that lost her mother, not even realizing the obvious.

It was my fault. I did this.

I gave her the book. I gave her the ideas. I gave her everything she needed to destroy herself.

I was the most disloyal friend she had ever had.

I am the most disloyal friend.

It wasn’t until I felt the wind beneath my wings that I knew I had left the library, leaving the wounded mare alone in her dark home. It wasn’t until I fell against a cloud that I realized how empty I felt. It wasn’t until I started crying out loud that I realized how useless I was.

It wasn’t until the sky started to turn gray that I realized I was the worst friend of all.

Author's Notes:

I’m a dirty dirty boy and I need to take a shower. Seriously, what the hell have I just done? There’s a good chance I’m going to lose more than just a few followers and favorites with this. No wait, better question, how in the world am I going to make this a Twidash fic?

Who knows...