“Wait WHAT?!” Emma exclaimed from behind me.

     Sweetie Belle…or Poo…looked at her with big glossy, watery eyes. “I poo everywhere and I can’t help it! Everypony got mad and they put me in the school for special ponies but I kept pooing and Princess Celestia banished me from Equestria!” She resumed her sobbing. I was about to put a comforting hand on her when she went rigid and her eyes bulged. “Oh no! Oh no! I gonna spoo!”

     “Spoo…?”

     “It’s when I sneeze and…OH NO!”

     Several things happened at once. Sweetie sneezed a violent sneeze, a jet stream of poo came rocketing out of her butt, and there was a loud thump. I tried to dodge the barrage of dookie, but it was no use. I managed to cover my face but that’s about it. I was covered in pony shit. When I opened my eyes the entire corner of the room was covered in crap and Sweetie was nowhere to be seen. Sweet Celestia!, I thought, she exploded!.

     “UP HERE!” came a squeaking voice. I followed the sound of the squealing upward to see Sweetie stuck up next to a light fixture, her horn lodged in the ceiling. Her head was bleeding and she was weeping and thrashing about. Her flailing must’ve loosened her horn because she fell back to the ground, releasing a terrified poop tsunami in the process.

     “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!” Emma yelled. She hadn’t escaped the explosion either. She ran to the bathroom and I could hear her retch.

     Meanwhile, Sweetie lay upon the floor, covered in her own excrement, hollering and clutching at her bleeding skull. I picked her up and took her back to the sink for a rinse.

     “Now,” I addressed her, “what the flaming hell was that?” As I cleaned her off I could see her cheeks were crimson. She was mortified.

     “It’s…it’s my special talent,” she hung her head.

     “Wait, so your special talent is explosive diarrhea?”

     “Yeah…”

     “That…sucks,” I finished lamely.

     “It’s not fair!” She lamented, “even Scootaloo got a better cutie mark than me!”

     “What…what happened?” I was honestly curious.

     “I was trying to learn how to use magic good,” I chose to ignore her improper grammar, “and right when my horn started to glow Apple Bloom and Scootaloo burst into the clubhouse and scared me so much I pooped myself, and somehow it created poo magic! Then I couldn’t stop pooping! Rarity kicked me out of the house and nobody would let me stay with them because I poop too much.” The little pony was crying again. As I cleaned her off I noticed her cutie mark. You can guess what it was. Talk about adding insult to injury.

     “And then,” she continued, “it got so bad that nopony wanted to be my friend anymore!” She pooped a sorrowful poop. “Scootaloo and Apple Bloom beat me up and everypony chased me out of Ponyville. Twilight tried to help me…she even brought me to the princess but I pooed all over the princess and she banished me to here!”

     What. The. Fuck.

-----

     It’s every brony’s fondest dream: the My Little Dashie scenario. A fantasy in which you find your favorite pony and get to love and take care of her and watch her grow. And it came true for me. The only problem is my favorite pony turned out to be a borderline retard with a massive incontinence problem.

     Three months have passed since I found Sweetie Poo. Emma moved out long ago. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday:

     “Either that shitting retard goes, or I go!” She fumed.

     “But I can’t just…”

     “Then I’m out. Call me when you’ve had your fill of shit.”

     I’ve had to make several…modifications to my home in order to cope with Sweetie’s problem. Everything is covered in plastic. I installed an industrial strength exhaust fan in the ceiling to deal with the smell. It’s loud, but it’s better than the alternative.

     At least I’ve taught Sweetie to clean up her own poo. She’s not smart enough to do a very good job, but at least she tries. She poops when she is happy, sad, angry, frustrated, excited, or scared, so she’s pretty much pooping all the time and therefore spends most of her days mopping the place up. At first she tried to use magic to clean it up, but every time she tries to do a spell she poops, thus defeating the purpose.

     I almost lost her the other day. You know those silly signs on the sides of water buckets that say small children can drown in them? I always thought those were laughable until Sweetie Poo. I came home from work the other night to find her upside-down in a pail with about two inches of water in it screaming and choking as a fountain of dookie sprayed from her backside, painting the ceiling brown. Two inches of water, and it almost killed her.

     I’ve tried teaching her some basic reading, writing, and math that a filly her age would be learning in school. I’ve tried being a good parent, but as you have probably already surmised she has the relative I.Q. of a wet soup cracker, and if I try to teach her anything, especially math (or num-bars, as she calls them), she just gets frustrated and shits herself.

     Last night I was sitting on my plastic-covered couch, mourning the life I once had, when a crestfallen looking Sweetie approached me. Her tiny brain must’ve registered something because she seemed to understand I was upset.

     “What’s wrong Andy?” She asked.

     “Nothing, Sweetie, I’m just tired.”

     “You’re sad because the mean lady left,” she referred to my ex-girlfriend, “and it’s my fault.” She hung her head and pooped a little. “I’m sorry I poo so much…”

     “It’s not your fault…” She looked so sad I couldn’t bear it and I scooped her up into a hug.

     “I get huggies!”

     “Everybody needs huggies sometimes, Sweetie Belle,” I told her. She smiled wide and bounced in my lap when I used her real name. And in that moment, with that innocent little foal beaming up at me, I almost felt like it was all worth it.

     Then she shat all over me.