Ponies.0

by ABagOVicodin

First published 1st of October, 2012

It's exactly what you think.

(A pony version of) Daniel Tosh reviews internet videos created by Equestrian citizens. Hilarity ensues.

This will include inappropriate humor. This is Daniel Tosh after all. You have been warned.

Tosh.0 belongs to Comedy Central and Daniel Tosh.

Episode 1

The tossing and turning of the picture indicated that a video camera was currently being held in a haphazard fashion. The video tossed and turned upside down, before correctly settling on the scenery. It was a nice day, not a single cloud remained in the sky. But for most of the viewers of this show, no one gave a shit about the weather. The video zoomed in on Princess Celestia's castle, and the large gate that pointed towards the dwelling of the princesses. The guards were not aware of the fact that they were being filmed, and the obvious victim of the prank would be the colt who slowly walked into the frame from the left side. The two guards nearby the gate remained completely still, their eyes staring straight ahead.

The colt looked to be an earth pony college student. Obviously, considering that was most of the videos Daniel usually found for his show. The colt's peach coat and yellow mane were pretty much forgettable, considering he was going to be known as the “Colt Who Is Now On Tosh.0.”

He moved up to the guards and started to wave his hoof in front of the left guard. The owner of the camera giggled a little bit, while the peach colt continued to bug both of the guards. He waved his hooves in front of the guards, poked and prodded the guards in their chests, and made out of place faces that weren't able to be seen by the camera. From this angle, the colt had his back to the camera. That is, until he turned around and placed his head on the ground, his ass sticking straight up in the air. The left guard looked at the plot that was now presented towards him, and it was a swift move that created a large amount of laughing from the studio audience. Almost like lightning, the guard's hoof slammed between the college colt's legs before retreating back into its position.

The now injured colt let out a yell of pain as he thrashed around on the floor like a foal with a temper tantrum while the video camera holder was unable to keep the picture steady due to his laughing. The opening title sequence for Tosh.0 started to play, as Daniel Tosh pointed his hooves at the audience while he stood in the usual spot for his show. “Alright alright, settle down.” He said, as he covered his mouth with his hoof to let out a few more laughs from the previous video that was shown. “Well then, I'll take some blue balls with my cream.” He added.

“Welcome to Tosh.0, I've missed a whole lot of you. As you all know, I was up in Canterlot, doing blow with nearly every hooker that Photo Finish managed to dress up. Trust me, it's better when they have their dresses on.”

“Tonight on the show we have a mare who doesn't know what a sex book is, another mare who has a disability I can make fun of, and we give the Fus Ro Yay girl a Web Redemption. But first, let's see that video again.”

Another replay of the video was shown, the last ten seconds where the colt was swiftly kicked in the balls. Tosh looked back to the camera. “And I thought the guards back in Trottingham were douches. You see their hats? If our (beep)s weren't out for everyone to see, I would half think that they were compensating for something... with an extremely gay and fuzzy hat.”

The audience laughed and Tosh smiled before another video was shown. “This next video shows that this mare really needs to get the birds and bees talk from her parents. Better late then never.”

The video started to play. It looked to be recorded by a cell phone, since the slider on the bottom was already a fourth of the way through the video, and it showed Twilight Sparkle looking up at the camera. There was a book in front of her, opened and on her regular table in her house that read, “101 Ways To Please That Colt”

The unicorn opened the book around halfway and the owner of the camera was starting to snicker. Twilight looked over to Rainbow Dash and she frowned. “So this is what we are going to be doing Rainbow? What is a... Cloudsdale Comet?” She asked.

The audience started to bust up laughing as the clueless mare flipped through a few more pages. Rainbow's snickers got a little louder, and she turned the book to another page and told Twilight to read it. The mare's purple eyes scanned the pages before she pointed at the obvious (but blurred) diagram of a colt penetrating a mare. Considering the whole page was being blurred out, there was not much left to the imagination.

Tosh moved his eyes from the television screen to the camera, as he was obviously reading off of a teleprompter. “Last time I saw a mare as clueless about sex as this was when I made Scootaloo cluck like a chicken.” He said.

The crowd let out a collective “Aww” and Tosh's smile became a little wider before he looked back to the screen. “You act like I never (beep)ed a chicken before. There isn't any evidence. Well let's put twenty seconds on the clock and see what we can make of this video.”

The crowd's disdain turned into a cheer as the stopwatch appeared in the bottom of the screen. As soon as it started and the last twenty seconds were played, Tosh began his rapid fire of jokes. It was conveniently right where the blurred out frame was shown.

“Does he have a second unicorn horn? Why am I dizzy right now? Your rainbow mane doesn't really help the whole platonic thing. I can't do a (beep) job, I already work at the library! Is there a number for (beep) in the Dewey Decibel System? I wonder if the stork will tell me how to (beep).”

The timer ran out and Tosh imitated a slight annoyance at running out of time, before the television switched to another video. "This next video reminds me that sometimes, we need a filly left behind."

He looked over to the screen as the video started to play.

It was currently raining on this video, as the water beat down on the pavement. The sun was barely able to shine its rays down on Ponyville, as one of the controllers of the weather was bouncing up and down on a cumulonimbus cloud. The rain was quickly emptying out of the cloud due to the pegasus' bouncing, and those who repetitively watched the show would be able to realize that this was Ditzy Doo, one of the many mares who always had a nice video to provide Tosh.

The mare was smiling, her eyes staring off into two directions of space as she moved up and down. She stopped for a moment, and looked down at the cloud before jumping and landing on the cloud one more time. The cloud ejected a large amount of electricity, a thunderbolt moving through the pegasus' body. She fell off of the cloud and onto the ground, and whoever owned the camera gasped and started to run to the fallen pegasus. However right when the camera owner was about to help Ditzy, the thundercloud ejected one more lightning bolt that hit the owner, and the camera.

The crowd gasped while Daniel kept that signature smile on his face. “Don't worry, they are all okay. I wonder if the lightning fixed her eyes. Kind of like a chemotherapy deal. Your heart stops, but hey, you can see again. Let's see how common sense was not used in this week's breakdown.”

The crowd cheered as the title sequence for the breakdown appeared, and he smiled as the beginning of the video was shown. “Oh great, a rainy day. If terrible fan fiction has taught me anything, it's that a rainy day means something bad.” He said. Then Ditzy on the cloud was shown. “Oh great, let's bounce on something that can emit body altering bolts of lightning.”

The crowd let out another “Aww” and Daniel continued after they were done. The video was slowed as Derpy's face slowly changed from happiness to horror as the lightning traveled up her legs. “See right here,” he paused the video, “Is the part where you think 'sh(beep), probably should just stay inside like every other person with a brain'.”

The video continued, as the lightning traveled up Ditzy and she fell onto the ground. Considering the camera was being levitated by the owner's magic, Daniel noticed this and decided to make a comment. “Stupid senses tingling. Let's not levitate the hurt one over to me, and instead walk straight below a thundercloud. This could only end well.” He said. The lightning struck the camera owner again and Tosh laughed a few times. “Oh mares are so retarded. No offense to her, whoever the retard was. Alright we are going to take a quick commercial break, but we will be right back with 'Fleur De Lis Does... Every Thing'.”

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The camera panned out, showing off the green screen that Daniel was using before the commercial break began, as the sponsors of the show started to roll for a few minutes. As the opener for the show began, he smiled as he looked at the camera. “And we are back. As you may have all known, the mare known as Fluttershy became viral with one of her videos. It's simple, but the combination of a sound from a game that sweaty nerds play while I (beep) their moms in the next room,” there was a laugh from the crowd before he continued. “And her own little input created an adorable video. Fillies and Gentlecolts, Fus Ro Yay.”

The video portrayed a yellow pegasus being lectured by her light blue friend, who sounded like the mare from the second video. She was being lectured over how to cheer properly, and apparently her lack of energy was affecting her cheering. However at the end, the extreme yell copied from a game made the crowd laugh as the blue pegasus fell onto her back. Tosh continued as the camera panned back to him. “As you can see, Fluttershy didn't provide the cheer that she needed to. So I brought her down to Los Pegasus for this week's Web Redemption.”

The crowd cheered as the transition for the Web Redemption was shown, and the video started to play. Tosh met Fluttershy outside of his studio, and he smiled as he shook the shy mare's hoof. “Fluttershy it is nice to meet you.” Tosh said, as he noted the fact that his guest was extremely shy. It only made sense, the characteristic was in her name for Celestia's sake.

The pegasus nodded her head and looked towards the entrance to Tosh's studio, as she looked down at the dress she was wearing, which was obviously not made by her. She looked to be dressed appropriately, which was good compared to the many idiots that Tosh had to interview. The two moved into the studio and sat down in an empty room, which resembled a high school gym. Tosh got comfortable before he asked his first question. “Alright so tell me how this video was made.”

“Well... what happened was my friend wanted me to cheer for her because she was going to compete in a competition. She said that if I didn't cheer enough, that she wouldn't be able to win.”

“You understand that your friend sounds like a humongous bitch, right?” Tosh asked.

Fluttershy turned red at such a response, and she continued without answering his question, “So I tried cheering with her, because I wanted to show her that I was capable of doing it. My friend Pinkie Pie was filming my attempts. We were going to watch it later to see what I did wrong. So I took the film and just put in a little sound effect from a game that a friend of mine, Princess Luna was playing. It's funny, that video always reminds me of her, because she has a hard trouble with not shouting.”

Tosh wrote down a few questions, and he let one of them loose, “So what you are saying is that you have a friend who is essentially good at crippling other ponies by f(beep)ing up their eardrums? Sounds like she is just as annoying as sea ponies.”

Fluttershy turned even more red at this accusation and she ignored that question as well. “But I wasn't able to cheer loud enough at her competition, and I want to prove that I can do it.”

Tosh nodded his head, and then looked to the camera. “Turn this shy mare into Filly Mayes. Got it.” He said as the camera transitioned to a montage of Tosh training Fluttershy.

The two of them were training in the most unorthodox ways, from lifting eggs to getting extremely sensitive massages. The montage stopped and played a video clip of Tosh's yelling lesson with Fluttershy with a few minutes left in the episode.

Both were standing out in a field, Tosh with a large amount of aggressive looking outfits while Fluttershy had a headband around her head and a track uniform. Tosh dressed up as a dragon, and he moved towards Fluttershy. “Alrighty yell at me!” He said, while Fluttershy tried to avoid cowering in the face of the fake monster. She retreated a few steps, but ended up standing her ground.

“Alright good,” Tosh said, “Now I wanna hear those lungs! I want you to be as loud as Mayor Mare, make me wish that a representative republic didn't exist!”

“A sonic rainboom. Woo hoo.” Fluttershy said, as she gasped for air after such an exertion.

Tosh sighed and shook his head. “Alright come on. I want to hear you outdo Trixie! Be louder than Hoity Toity when he sees something that looks extremely gay and artsy!”

Fluttershy took another deep breath and then managed to yell out, “A SONIC RAINBOOM! WOO!”

Tosh took a few steps back, even though he heard much louder from his audience as they all clapped for Fluttershy's accomplishment. He smiled and took a step towards her. “I think we can call this a day Mrs. Hulk.” He responded, before the montage ended.

Tosh smiled as the crowd started to applaud him, and the image of Fluttershy yelling remained on the monitor. “I could have just trained her by kicking her in the c(beep).” He said and his grin widened as the clip of the yelling colt from his balls being kicked was shown. “Make sure to check us out on Tweeter and Ponybook. Go online to the store and you can buy Tosh swag. I will see you all next week."

The audience laughed before Tosh gave the camera a small wave and the show ended. The audience gave Tosh a standing ovation while the theme song played in the background. Large amounts of hooves were stomping on the ground as the show finally closed to an end.

Episode 2

Tosh’s choice of videos must have followed some sort of paradigm. Every end video had the most laughs, and every beginning video was always recorded by some pony who was practically incapable of holding the device straight. The picture shook for a few moments as the viewer was able to see the environment. Those who paused the show were capable of seeing the many ponies, who were all mingling and dancing to the music outside. The party seemed to hold around twelve ponies, but the viewer wouldn't care about such a trivial fact. What drew their interest was the purple mare nearby the punch bowl. Berry Punch gained weight since the last video she was shown in.

The mare gulped down another cup of punch, and her face turned even more red as she placed the cup down on the table. Apparently someone was speaking to her before she decided to let her drunk thoughts take hold. “Ah you don’t know sh(beep)! Shut up, shut up, shut up.” Berry Punch said, and she held a hoof up. She kept her gaze on the now silenced mare beside her, before she provided her rejoinder. “I've been watching the news lately. Okay? It’s obvious that Photo Finish is wearing a wig, that dumb bitch. And... and... I’ll tell you another thing.” She said. “That Rainbow Dash is a dyke! F(beep)in rainbow mane and...”

Before Berry Punch could say another word, she fell backwards onto the table that held all of the punch bowls. The bowls flew up into the air before landing on Berry Punch’s head, while the table that she fell on broke in two and flipped onto her knocked out form. The audience began to laugh along with the video provider, as the entrance theme and cinematic for Tosh’s show was given.

Tosh smiled at the audience as they finished their clapping, and he looked down at his attire of a pony band jacket before he stared straight at the camera. “Gotta hate those family reunions.” He said, and the audience laughed. “Welcome to Ponies.0. Today, I am going to see how long I can piss off every living thing, before the Equestrian Communications Commission shuts us down. Go big or go home. Let’s watch Bill O Filly’s rant again.”

The video was shown again. The last ten seconds where Berry Punch fell on the table, snapped it in half, and landed in a pool of punch and splintered wood. Tosh looked at the camera as it was focused back on him. “Someone needs a hug from Daddy. Only he can say that he likes his fat f(beep) daughter.” He stated, the smile remaining on his face. “She’s probably just pissed because no mare can even find her p(beep) underneath all of that fat. It’s like... the Quest of the Sapphire Stone in there.”

The audience laughed as the video on Tosh’s monitor switched. “This next video reminds me why the previous thousand years were the best.”

The video started and the decorations on the nearby buildings informed the viewers that it was currently Nightmare Night. The sky started to light up and crackle with thunder as clouds started to cover the sky. Every pony in the city square started to cower as a carriage covered in darkness rode along the sky and onto the ground. The figure let their hood fall backwards onto their neck, revealing Princess Luna. Every pony in the square was now bowed, their heads down in fear of this blue mare. “Citizens of Ponyville!” She yelled. “We have graced your tiny village with our presence!”

Tosh paused the video, right as the camera holder panned the recording around all of the cowering ponies. “You might want to hide that camera, dark ponies have a sixth sense that tells them where security cameras are.” He said.

The crowd started their groans of disapproval, but Tosh only kept his smile. “Let’s see why Celestia is the best Princess in this week’s breakdown.”

The crowd started their cheering once more as the visual for the Video Breakdown was shown. The video was rewound to the beginning, and the weather changes started to play. He paused it as the carriage came out of the clouds. “Of course the black one would end up ruining the day. You wanna give us some rain along with the overcast clouds bitch?” He asked.

The video began again, as Luna jumped off her carriage. It was paused, right in the frame where Luna and her guards could be seen perfectly. “Good idea that every pony left their wallets at home. With those two guards, Luna would probably have enough stolen money to plate her carriage in gold.”

The crowd seemed to get uneasy, but they still laughed since it was comedy. The video resumed as Luna began to yell at the crowd. Tosh let her line play out before he paused it again. “Let me see your war cry!” He yelled. The crowd laughed at his reference, before he sighed. “That’s the perfect thing to do when you show up, uninvited, to a party. Yell at everyone in it. What are you, drunk?” He asked. The clip of Berry Punch falling over onto the table was shown again, before it switched to a blank screen. “Alright let’s see what’s next.” He said.

The screen started to play another video. It showed Big Macintosh bucking apples, although the owner of the video camera was focusing on one particular part of the stallion. His cutie mark was taking up around 80% of the screen, and the camera owner remained perfectly silent. Around twenty seconds of bucking passed, before the video ended.

The camera switched back to Tosh, who paused due to the simplicity of this video. The audience was laughing hysterically. Throughout the thirty seconds, Tosh had managed to get completely hard, and now the program was blurring out his unclothed lap. “What?” He asked after a few moments of the video remaining still on Big Mac’s flank. He smiled before he looked around the audience. “I thought I already told you guys that my Apple is Granny Smith. I’m writing a new book about it. I call it... Daring Do and the No Denture Adventure.”

There was a significant amount of groans and laughs in the crowd and Tosh smiled before he looked to the camera. “Let’s put twenty seconds on the clock.” He said, and then the jokes began. He started off with a poorly done Western accent. “Ah can f(beep) my brother right? Aint nothing wrong with that?” He switched to his regular accent for the rest of his jokes. “Those apples are juicy... I’m gonna need you for some acting up in Los Pegasus... Oh hey, look at that sun! Listen Big Mac, I’m gonna have to see you in my office... pronto. I haven’t been butt (beep)ed in quite a while.”

The crowd laughed before he finished off with his last joke, “His ass reminds me of band camp. I loved being the Scout Master.”

The crowd groaned and Tosh smirked before he waved at the camera. “Alright, we are going to take a quick commercial break, but we will be right back with ‘Equestria’s Got No Talent.’” He said, and the crowd closed the commercial break with applause.

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The crowd began the next part of the show as Tosh smiled at the camera. Usual watchers of his show would notice that he was a little uneasy than usual. “Alright, this next video was randomly picked out by my staff, without my knowledge. I call this segment, ‘What the fuck am I watching, who is going to get fired?’”

An extremely long rectangle was shown, with the aforementioned words on it, as it transitioned back to Tosh. He smiled as the video was shown.

Discord let out a laugh as he pointed at the main six ponies in an empty crater. Tosh’s eyebrow raised while the video continued. Discord explained his plans for ruling Equestria, while the main six looked to be more pale and grayed out than usual. As Discord vanished and the video ended, the audience waited for Tosh to say something.

“What the f(beep)... was that?” He asked, as he froze the frame on Discord’s whole spread eagled body. “This is actually a thing? What the f(beep) is that? It looks like Rarity’s green hair, Twist, an ursa major, and a cockatrice had a baby.”

The audience laughed as Tosh placed on a disgusted face, but since it was Tosh, his face was also pretty impassive. “The f(beep) is up with his eyes? He should probably go to Photo Finish ASAP. Otherwise, life is going to be really hard with a (beep)ed up body like that. While I wasn't really a fan of the whole ‘Hitler’ guy, we could have at least prevented this thing if we tried to breed a master race. Now I’m not a fan of Hitler, but at least he had some good ideas.”

The crowd laughed some more as the screen changed movies. “Anyone want some cake?” He asked, as the next video was shown.

Princess Celestia was currently in the royal kitchen. It was dark out, and the only light provided was from the refrigerator in the kitchen. Her royal plot was visible from the side as the camera moved closer. The camera managed to catch a glimpse of Princess Celestia chomping down on a large cake that was supposed to be for tomorrow. Loud squishing noises were heard as the princess looked up. Her face turned red with a combination of anger and embarrassment. “Luna!” She said, the Royal Canterlot voice booming throughout the halls and shaking the camera. “How dare you record me in the middle of the night!”

Luna laughed a small amount before her response, “You need to cut down on the sweets, Sister. You are going to gain weight.” She said. Luna noticed that the amount of frosting on Celestia’s mane and face looked exactly like some Saturday nights when a stallion was brought home. Tosh quickly paused the video. “Sorry.” He simply said, jerking his head towards the risque frosting before he resumed the video. The refrigerator opened to reveal twelve empty plates, all of them the same as the plate the previous cake was eaten on. Luna gasped, “Sister, did you eat all of those cakes?” She asked.

Before there was a response, the camera was levitated out of Luna’s grasp and thrown against a wall. A loud thud was heard as the two sisters began to argue about the repercussions of eating all of the cakes for tomorrow.

Tosh smiled, hoping that his crew would be able to handle the small amount of tasks that they were given for this particular bit. “I can never look at frosting the same way again. It’s like when I had sex with Pinkie and confetti came out of my (beep).” He said. The crowd laughed before the television switched to a different video. “As you can no doubt tell, a lot of people on the Ponynet posted comments such as, ‘Wow, what a fat f(beep)’ or ‘Princess Rollestia’. I figured I would give Princess Celestia a Web Redemption, so that she could tell every pony that she is not a completely fat f(beep). Just fat enough to give me some cushion for the pushin.”

The audience laughed and cheered as the Web Redemption logo popped up, and then the video started to play. It was a dark alley, and Tosh was standing in the alley, his hands inside of a deep trench coat. Princess Celestia was also wearing a trench coat, as she moved into the alleyway with a side step. She walked in front of Tosh, and then her head bowed. Both were apparently disguising their voices. “You got it?” Princess Celestia said, in a deeper voice.

“I got the good sh(beep).” Tosh said, as he opened his trench coat to reveal a vial with pink frosting inside. A label on the vial said, “Blue frosting.”

The video cut to Princess Celestia and Tosh cooking up the frosting in a spoon, Celestia providing the fire with her magic. Then both of them wrapped up their left forehoof up with a bandage and sucked up the liquid frosting with a syringe. Both of them shared half of the syringe, and then both of them nodded. Tosh smirked. “Let’s do this.” He said.

The video panned to both Tosh and Celestia pining in a corner, staring at the ground while their bodies shook. There were twenty cakes lined up on a buffet table, that was previously used by the writers. Several seconds of silence permeated the room before Tosh stood up and walked over to the cakes. “They are watching us...” He said, as he smashed his hooves over the cake to try and find some kind of camera. He was apparently not aware of the fact that he was being filmed. Or maybe it was part of the whole act. Either way, Princess Celestia walked over to Tosh and the two of them started to smash their hooves over the cakes, looking for a camera.

“I don’t see anything here.” Celestia replied, in a hushed and anxious voice. “I told Luna to stop filming me. I know she’s doing it.”

“They are all f(beep)ing filming us. Society is filming us...” Tosh said. “They aren’t going to take me!” He yelled, as he jumped onto the table and broke it in half, sending the cakes into the air and on the two withdrawing ponies. Both of them screamed and started to run around the room, trailing cake behind them as they ran.

The audience laughed as the video ended and Tosh stood there, somewhat surprised at his antics. “I could have sworn that I helped her kick the habit of being a complete fat f(beep). Oh well, maybe next time. Make sure to check us out on Tweeter and Ponybook. Go online to the store so that you can buy swag, I recently imported some XL shirts from my Chinese sweat shop, so even Celestia can wear my swag now! See ya next week.” He said. He waved at the camera while the crowd stomped their hooves, as the show drew to its close.