Tabula Rasa
Chapter 45: Sympathy For The Devil
Previous Chapter Next Chapter“As the reigning Princess of Equestria, I declare this summit ready to begin.” Twilight said, surveying the room. It was the planning room of the crystal palace- they all sat at a long rectangular table where Cadence… wasn’t there. She had other business to attend to and besides that, it didn’t have much to do with her.
The guests included King Grover of Fertilia and King Thorax of The Changelings, who was with his advisor/brother, Pharynx. Thorax looked worried, but his brother seemed quite collected. Grover looked bored and was, per Celestia’s request, the only griffon royal invited.
“We will be discussing the issue of the illegal and abhorrent war taking place on Confederacy soil, and we will also be going over…” She looked down to check her notes. “The… illegal intervention by the Changeling Spy Network orchestrated by the Equestrian Crown!?” She, quite frankly, was very surprised.
“I’d like to motion that we take care of the latter, first.” Twilight said, but before anyone could second her- the door swung open.
“You got room for two more?” Princess “Muthafuckin” Celestia and Princess “Friggin” Luna walked in the room and took their seats on the opposite end of the table as Twilight, to the shock and surprise of everyone in the room. The griffon royal started to sweat a little bit. Twilight looked at her with a smug grin.
“I was wondering when you’d show up. Since I am allowed to bring a single advisor with me, I invited Celestia to help with the proceedings.” She said, nodding to her former master before turning to Thorax. “So, explain the problem.”
“Now, you wait just a minute!” yelled out King Grover, “Then why is Princess Luna here as well?” He said, using a handkerchief to dab sweat off his forehead.
“For two reasons, Tacitus.” Since Luna technically wasn’t a royal anymore, calling Grover by his first name was a big no-no… not that she gave a fuck. “I was reviewing the Old Laws for summits since I haven’t been to one in a good minute… when I noticed something odd with the wording.”
“Every pony in the room is entitled to a guard. Wouldn’t that include the advisors? In that case, Luna is my guard.” Said Celestia, packing a wooden pipe, lighting and taking a drag, “And rest assured, the wording will be corrected after the ceremony. Isn’t that right, Twilight?”
Her student simply nodded. “It’s part of an ongoing project to correct some of the pony-centric language in old laws in order to account for the wonderful diversity of Equestria!” Make no mistake- Twilight is not a bad ruler. In fact, she’s a great ruler who always has the good of her people in mind. She’s just not a great wartime ruler.
“Well, what’s the other reason?” Said Grover, and Luna giggled.
“Well, are you gonna stop me?” She said, and everyone except Grover chuckled. She had a fair point. “The whole thing about everypony keeping guards with them was just a… happy coincidence, as it were.” She then turned to Thorax and nodded.
“Well… as it says, I believe my changelings were used to perform paramilitary actions against another standing force. The reason being-”
“I must stop you, Thorax.” Celestia said politely, to his utter shock. She pulled a scroll out of a pocket dimension and unrolled it. “Any actions by the CSN… ah, Changeling Spy Network, that is, are to be kept private and confidential between the Equestrian Crown and the Vassalage of Changelings.”
Thorax tried to open his mouth, but Luna beat him to the punch.
“Not to mention- You are settled on Equestrian soil, within Equestrian borders, with Equestrian guards and protection, alongside a powerful ally in the Equestrian Crown. Because of Equestrian intervention, your people are safe from starvation, as well as threats both domestic and foreign, and not to mention enjoying modern amenities such as… well, I think you get the point.”
Celestia nodded, then continued for her, “And on a final note, we believe the debt of the changelings is nowhere near being paid off. Between the Canterlot Invasion and the Mass Kidnapping Incident, quite frankly, you’re very lucky my sister and I were feeling… amicable that day.” Thorax’s eyes were wide. He was shaking, and he swallowed nervously.
Today’s lesson for Twilight- It is okay and often necessary for The Princess to remind certain individuals exactly why they’re your friend.
“As for you, Tacitus.” She looked over to the aging king, who was sweating and shaking nervously. “Call off your silly war and reign your mutts in. And I’m not talking about the dogs, either.”
He shook his head rapidly. “I-I can’t! They’ll be taking Copseburgh in the next… three days!”
Luna spoke up, “That’s the least of your problems. Have you checked your approval ratings lately?” She slid a newspaper across the table to him. He took one look at it and yelled,
“WHAT!?” The picture on the front page depicted his wife being transported somewhere in a shoddy wagon, tied up and surrounded by griffons with guns. “Traitorous Queen to be Executed… husband, known dog sympathizer, incompetent greedy ruler…” He slowly looked up from the paper.
“I’ve made a huge mistake.” He said simply, and Celestia chuckled.
“No kidding.”
---
You know, I’ve always hated waking up in a hospital- especially one set up inside a tent. I was sore all over and my right leg felt like it was in a bucket of ice, so I did what I often did on cold mornings- Curl up nice and tight and cross my legs like a kitty.
Except… I was having difficulty doing that. I couldn’t feel my foot, aside from the fact that it was cold. Was it still numb from the anesthetics? Must’ve been, but either way it was pissing me off.
“UUUUgh. Fine, you win fucker.” I muttered to myself, whipping my blanket off.
…
“WHAT IN THE FUCK!?”
On my right leg, just about where my knee ended was a whole ass blank space that was supposed to have a foot and the rest of my leg in it. I had this odd feeling- like I wanted to run away from the stitched and bandaged stump where my leg now ended, like I was afraid of it. And to be fair, I was feeling pretty afraid.
Thank fuck, my wife was here- she rushed to my bedside and wrapped her hooves around me.
“It’s alright, baby. You’re alive.” She said, sniffling and breathing shallowly. “Thank fuck…”
Despite the stress, I couldn’t help but smile and return the hug. “Hey, come on, baby, it’s not so bad… and we know that it takes more than dropping a fort on my head to kill me.” I shifted to sit up and winced- my body was probably covered in bruises from that. Then I said to her- “Besides- we fuckin did it, babe!”
She just snorted and giggled, “I don’t feel a crown on my head, though.”
“But you will soon enough.” I said, sitting up and groaning from the overall soreness. Dee walked off and grabbed what looked like a peg leg and probably was a peg leg.
“Lemme show you how to use this. Doctor wants you to stay off it, but dammit we got work to do.” She had me sit up and helped change the bandages before sliding on the leather cuff. It was crude, only meant for temporary use.
“There’s a crowd out there waiting on an address. Even got radio people here to record it.” She said, and I nodded.
“Perfect… ah, casualty report?” I asked her, and her face… didn’t give me much hope.
“Five dead. 20 injured to various degrees. And at least three bodies are unrecoverable- or at least, we weren’t in time to save them.” She said, a sad look in her eyes. I just sighed, feeling a chill go down my spine at how close I was to being on that list.
“Ugh, that’s bad… Then again, if it adds fuel to the fire of revolutionary fervor then… I dunno.” I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like absolute shit. I’m missing a leg and this battle was the most costly, in terms of griffon life. “And where in the fuck did those mutts get dynamite?”
Dee shrugged. Guess I’d be having a one on one with Shattered Jewels. “Well, let’s do this.” I said, a triumphant smirk.
I got out of bed slowly, wincing whenever I had to put pressure on that back leg. My wife immediately bolted to my right side, allowing me to put a wing over her and keep pressure off my leg. Or at least, what was left of it…
“Take it easy, you just got up.” She instructed me like I wasn’t the one in pain. Walking on three legs wasn’t too hard- heck, I do it when I’m running and gunning all the time. It’s just a matter of footing and balance; you just have to watch your step. It’s a lot easier when you’re running though as I’ve noticed an awkward hobble when I try to walk on it normally.
Next, she helped me put my clothes on. My normal clothes- my armor and cloak- were still filthy and damaged from the accident and besides that, I’d rather not put the extra weight on my leg. I decided to skip the baldric and instead just wore my typical garb. It felt wonderful to wear that black coat again- the one with the golden trimming and the yellow sign on the sleeve. I tightened the capelet and Dee gestured to me to take a seat.
I sat next to her on the bed and lit up a smoke.
“You almost died from running out of air last night and you’re smoking already?” She deadpanned and I shrugged.
“What? They wouldn’t let me have one last night!” My wife giggled,
“Fuck, I missed havin’ you by my side, you know that?” She then was shuffling papers and explained- “So what happened was the king returned from that summit bullshit like, a couple days ago. Obviously he realized he wasn’t very popular anymore and took refuge in Catlus.” Before she could continue, I interrupted to ask-
“Who’s running the city, then?”
“Captain of the king’s old guard. Don’t worry- he can be trusted.” I nodded and she continued, “So, here’s the situation. His wife was hung by an angry mob. I got the rest of his heirs locked in jail cells. After he took refuge in Catlus with his honor guard, he had a runner deliver a telegram to us- and everyone agreed that you should be the first to open it. Well, I read over it while you were out cold. You’ll love this.” She pulled out the very-much opened telegram and handed it to me, folded up.
I read down the list and my smile threatened to crack my beak in half. She giggled and said, “I’ve also taken the liberty of bribing the radio company by offering them decent tax breaks if they ran a massive sale on radios to make sure as many people as possible hear this broadcast. OH! That reminds me, I’ve also been talking to an architect who’d be willing to help us remodel the castle to suit our needs- including adding a broadcast antenna.” I looked her in the eyes with a warm smile.
“I could make out with you right now, you know that?” I asked her, gently putting my arms around her- a gesture that she reciprocated.
“Well, what’s stoppin’ you?” She asked, a faint blush forming on her cheeks.
“Not a fuckin’ thing, babe.” We started making out, and a few seconds later someone walked into the tent. I didn’t even look over but I think it was the doctor; so I pointed a finger in the air in a sort of gimme a minute gesture.
He took the hint.
After a solid 30 seconds passed, we pulled apart- my beak connected to her lips by a strand of spit. I wanted nothing more than for her to grab my wrists, pin me down and ravage me like an animal. I was broken out of my fantasy by my wife, who was giggling at me.
“You look so hot when the bottom thoughts are winning.” I could feel how hard I was blushing, my breathing rapid and my heart racing. “I bet you just want me to take you, don’t you?” She teased, and I nodded rabidly.
“Baby, are you trying to blue bean me? We can’t do it here!” She giggled and put a hoof to my beak.
“I know. Soon, though.” She said, sliding off the bed and purposefully flicking her tail to the side. I couldn’t help but sigh with a weary smile.
“Why are you like this?” She giggled and said,
“Because you’re easy to tease.” She then gained a more serious expression and asked, “You want me to help you walk?”
One way to find out. Slowly, I slid off the bed, putting a little pressure on my leg. I winced but still, I powered through. Quickly, she came over and grabbed onto me, helping me lower my front onto the ground. I took an experimental walk around the tent, and found that walking wasn’t too terribly difficult.
“I think I wanna walk by myself. It’ll look better that way.” I said, and she nodded.
As we walked out she reassured me that if I need help, I only have to ask. As soon as I walked out of the tent, there was a massive crowd chaotically mingling amongst themselves- until they saw me. I approached slowly and they parted so I could make my way through. Griffons were cheering me on as I walked to the small “stage” that apparently got set up last night.
This whole thing has been a logistical clusterfuck- I have no idea how she can juggle this many things happening at once. I turned to her and whispered, “You’re the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Seriously.” She looked over with a faint blush and smooched me on the cheek, sending the paparazzi into a frenzy. Especially the ones behind me, who wasted no time getting pics of my wooden leg.
I distinctly remember thinking to myself I better not see my snatch in tomorrow’s paper or I swear to god, heads are gonna roll.
“How’s Adrian, by the way? I owe him big time.” Even if he refuses, damnit!
“Probably still in bed. They gave him a heroic dose of morphine before bed- having a fort fall on your back is uh… bad. Doctors’ say he’ll pull through, though.” I blinked, then had a stray thought. Fucker better be alive.
When we reached the stage, I noticed how small the antenna was. “I thought this was gonna be broadcast everywhere?” I asked Dee.
“It is still. This is a short range tower because we only need it to reach the much bigger tower in Beaksmouth.” She explained simply. Before we got on stage though, they sent a test signal to the main tower, who was then gonna announce my speech over the radio.
We climbed onto the stage where I finally got a good look at the crowd- it was full of all kinds of people. Soldiers from my army, Fertilian guards, and what appeared to be plain clothed civilians, potentially here to show support from the nearby village. My crew stood at the front, and I gave them a quick smirk. Rosco gave a thumbs up and Sinan flipped me off, sticking his tongue out. I returned the favor, to the utter joy of the paparazzi.
After a few minutes, one of the technicians grabbed the mic, the feedback playing through the speakers and getting everyone to quiet down. He then nodded to my wife, who stepped forward. I was standing just behind her, slightly off to the side.
“Ladies and gentlemen of The Confederacy… After two months of hard fighting, I wish to inform you…” She paused briefly for dramatic effect. “The leadership of the MacDoggal clan have fully capitulated and have unconditionally surrendered themselves to us.” The crowd started cheering so loud I thought I was about to go deaf!
When they started to calm, she said “But the war isn’t over yet! Many clans still remain, wishing nothing more than to destroy our way of life!” Shouts of agreement rang out from the crowd, “BUT YET! THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT THINK WE SHOULD GIVE UP! THAT WE SHOULD GO HOME AND LEAVE THE DOGS ALONE!”
Outrage was the face of the crowd at this apparent revelation. “JUST THIS MORNING, WE RECEIVED A LETTER FROM THE DISGRACED “KING” OF FERTILIA!” She had them whipped up into a patriotic fervor, with the crowd hanging on to every word. “And reading that letter will be my wife- since without her planning and strategy, we’d have never made it this far!”
I walked up to the mic with a smug grin and said, “You’re givin’ me a bit much credit, here. You were the one making sure things didn’t fall apart at home.” She rolled her eyes and gave me a quick smooch on the cheek. She stood next to me, and I unfolded the slip of paper which the king sent us.
“I will be reading this letter, which was sent by King Grover. Currently, he’s hiding somewhere in Catlus… which calls to question the loyalty of the old monarchs. This letter will be proof of the King’s treachery.”
After a short dramatic pause, I read aloud- “The list of demands includes… Total recall of Fertilian troops and demobilization. He’s asking that after all this- we just go home… And you know what else he wants?” I asked the crowd, who stopped their sneers and jeers about the king to let me say, “He wants to arrest my wife and I! After all we’ve done for that rat, he wants to hand us over to Equestria.” The crowd started laughing, and I smiled.
“He says if we don’t surrender to him, then the Four Kingdoms will be forced to declare war on Fertilia.” I said, barely able to keep a straight face. I calmed myself down and said, “So to Caesar Lucius of Catlus, if you’re listening in… Where do your loyalties lie? Is it with yourself? Are you loyal to the Dog Lover King? And to the citizens of Catlus, who are no-doubt listening in, I ask you- if your Caesar asked you to march headfirst into certain death, would you? Because that’s what will happen if The Caesar declares war. I do not wish to fire upon fellow griffons and those loyal to the Old Regime may still be loyal to their masters… But when your loyalty is called into question, then you may find yourself on the wrong end of a gun.”
An important skill to have is saying what you mean without actually saying what you mean.
“Caesar, I must ask… what are you doing? You’re protecting a hated man from his own people. And I will say- if you do declare war, I guarantee you that within a week, I will personally put your head on a spike. We have guns, and what do you have? Spears? My rifle can punch a hole in your armor from 300 yards away.”
It was a bold threat- one which I wasn’t even sure of myself. I’m extremely confident that I can kick his ass and be home with my wife within a week or so- mainly because we’ve been training more people throughout this campaign. The idea was that at the end, all the people that participated in the first tour will be allowed on temporary leave while the rookies take over the next tour.
“And if you are listening, King Grover, I have my own counter-demands to ask of you.” I paused, and the crowd went deathly silent, wondering what my next words will be. This was it- this is my chance to secure my place within the collective hearts of the masses. I needed to choose my words carefully and wisely. I took a deep breath and said the following:
“King Grover, the 14th of Fertilia and Heir to the Throne… Go fuck your mother!”
My wife looked like she wanted to choke me in a not-fun way until the crowd went friggin ballistic! I leaned into the mic and reasserted, “GO FUCK YA’ MOTHER, KING GROVER! YA DOG LOVING TRAITOR!”
I looked over to Dee and winked. Her response to me was to roll her eyes and kiss me on the cheek. It was so loud that I could talk to her with my regular speaking voice and no-one’ll hear a thing. I covered the mic and said to her, “I’m SUCH a good orator.” She just snorted.
“Really? Go fuck your mother? That’s the best you can come up with?” I could tell by her playful grin that she was just busting my balls for the fun of it.
“Off the top of my head, yes. Come on, let’s calm these guys down so we can finish up and go home.” I turned back to the mic and tapped it a couple times.
Slowly, the crowd’s uproar became tranquil, and I could finally hear myself think.
“Before we all go home, I have a demand to make for The Caesar. Bring Grover to the Fertilian capital, where we will… take care of him.” I stuck my thumb out and looked at the crowd before drawing the thumb across my neck, to their amusement. I looked at the crowd with a wide grin and threw my fist into the air- a gesture which they all knew the profundity of.
“Let’s go home! I say we’ve earned it!” I said to a crowd that would jump off the tallest building in Fertilia if I told them to. As I stated these words, my wife turned to me and whispered the next thing to say. “Good news! We’re taking the train home!”
Since we’ve won already, we knew we’d be making that money back ten-fold. Dee had it arranged so that the train company would be getting a massive subsidy to make up for lost profit.
Thankfully, they brought a cart for my wife and I. I don’t think I would’ve made it on the march to Beaksmouth on that leg. Speaking of this leg, I’d definitely be replacing the fucking twig they call a peg leg. I was thinking- what if I could detach it and use it as a club? We’ll see.
And even better- as it turns out, my wife got us a private rail car. We… cuddled. Very hard.
But the work was far from over- after all, stabilizing the government after this clusterfuck oughta be interesting. Not to mention, we still have to deal with the rest of the diamond dogs, as well as...
Well. Bottom line is I can't wait to sleep in my own bed again.