Manehattan. The big apple.

In more ways than one, it felt like home. My original home- New York. But it also felt like my home in Featherworth in the absolute freedom I felt. Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder about that city; is the little cottage I was born in still standing? Does Blackbird Rookery even exist anymore? I wasn’t sure.

Someday I’d return to that city- all in due time.

Emmie was still attending the college in Aderleth, and Dee and I had been living in a beautiful penthouse together- it had a balcony with a hot tub, a massive kitchen, master bedroom, living room- all the usual fixings of the New York high life! Even down to the weird, nonsensical modern art hanging on the walls.

Even better- the balcony had lockable shutters, so I wouldn’t have to take the elevator like some sort of basic bitch. Not to say my wife is a basic bitch, of course, but… bah, you know what I mean.

Anyways- we both awoke to the sound of Dee’s alarm going off at 5 in the morning.

“Come on, honey. Time to get up.” I whispered to her, kissing her on the forehead. She just groaned at me and rolled around.

“Five more minutes…” she whined, and I frowned. Getting out of bed, I smirked at her.

SWISH! My tongue burst forth- and began tickling her on the side.

“Ah! A-alright I-I’m up… hehee.” I slurped my tongue up and she glared at me. God, that sentence is so fucked.

“Morning honey!” I said, going up and kissing her on the cheek. “You sleep well?” She sat up and huffed.

“I swear, if you weren’t so cute…” I just snorted.

“What are you gonna do? Choke me?” I asked sarcastically, and she gave me a dark grin-then rolled her eyes.

“Fucks sake, it’s too early in the morning to be getting horny.” She got out of bed and kissed me on the cheek before heading towards the shower.

Meanwhile, I started getting our breakfast ready. A simple ordeal of waffles covered in bananas and an apple-cinnamon syrup- as well as a couple slices of bacon for me. Oh, of course, can’t forget the coffee! I felt an odd sense of deja-vu, to be honest. I was fine with that, though.

When she got out of the shower, we ate together on our penthouse balcony. It was a chilly morning, so we sat close to each other- for warmth and because we just wanted to be close.

“You know, baby, lesbians are kind of like vegans, in a sense.” I said, causing her to cock an eyebrow.

“Why is that?” she asked- I gave her a wide smirk.

“We both use imitation meat to fill a void.” She just gave me the most what the actual fuck look I’ve ever seen, and I started cracking up.

“Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just woke up!” I had to hold on to the table after she said that. She joined me in laughter not long after that. God, I swear, we both share a single brain cell.

After we finished eating and drinking our coffee, Dee went to do her hair and get dressed before work, and I got her lunch ready for her- which was a simple vegetable salad with Prench dressing, as well as a good helping of shredded cheese and croutons.

Man, ponies are so fuckin’ easy to make food for. I love my wife, but like I said before- I’m so glad I didn’t get reincarnated as a pony. I ain’t eating like no rabbit, ya dig?

Once I got her lunch all packed, I was left to consult my list of shit-to-do; the first and foremost thing being make some fuckin money!

Good fuckin’ plan, if I do say so myself. Currently Dee was making good money with the department store, and I had a decent bit of income coming in from a couple of sources.

After all, basically reinventing the Haber-Bosch process for manufacturing ammonia scored me some decent loot, as the industrial manufacture of ammonia has led to booms in agriculture the world over. I’d sold the rights to use “my” invention to some promising entrepreneurs, on the grounds that they send me a nice, fat check every two weeks and eventually, make me my chlorine canisters. Now I know how Haber felt.

A bit of a tangent here; but even I’m curious as to how I remember all this stuff so well. It’s odd- I never studied this stuff in great detail, but I read about it plenty in the prison library out of sheer boredom. Ever since I got this parasite, my memory has felt… clearer? I don’t know.

Meanwhile, I had been working on taking over the dockworkers union and the plasterer’s unions, and definitely planned on expansion. There were also the protection rackets, the prostitution rings, the gambling houses- that sort of stuff.

And I wasn’t doing it alone, of course- I pretty much started my own small crime family where I acted as the capo and Dee was my consigliere. Well, sort of- Dee and I were on equal grounds, realistically. She handled a lot of the creative accounting, and I was often out getting my hands dirty with the greasework.

Heh. Been awhile since I last said that.

Bottom line is, we were making out like a band of gypsies, and it was fantastic! But we needed more!

So today, I had some plans for expanding our biz.

But first- “Have a good day at work, baby.” I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. She looked quite adorable in her work clothes- it was a pretty pink, tight businessmare’s suit, though it didn’t come with pants.

I mean, ponies didn’t really wear pants, at least, not too often. I can’t blame them, of course.

“Stay safe out there, honey!” She said to me before giving me a kiss on my cheek. I totally didn’t sneak a peek of her ass on the way out. Don’t judge me!

I put on my favorite frock coat and capelet, holstering my pistols underneath it. I decided to forgo the cutlass, but I never leave home without my dagger. After a few seconds of consideration, I decided to wear my hat today as well. All ready to go, I was on my way to do what I did best.

That is- being a violent psychopath.

I decided to walk today- sometimes it’s nice to just get a closer look at things, you know? I had to walk through the busy, prissy, and rich part of the city to get to my first destination. I planned on expanding my territory, and I knew just where to start. I just had to grab a couple of my colleagues.

I knew I was in the right place when the beautiful art-deco storefronts slowly turned into rundown brick buildings, some with boarded up windows and painted over signs. As I walked the street, I lightly kicked an empty bottle of booze into the alleyway, and on the other side of the road I saw a homeless man taking shelter in a box.

This… was my kinda town.

---

The bell above the front door jingled, and the clerk watched me with a glare as I approached her. She was a unicorn, apparently named Herb Moon if the name of the shop was to be believed.

I went up to the counter with a smile and said, “Pack of Marelboro’s, if you please.”

“Can’t you read the sign?” She asked, pointing towards the door with a scoff. “We don’t serve your kind here.” As you’d expect, not everypony was thrilled with the massive waves of immigration all those years ago, and some were even still upset.

I leaned against the counter and bared my claws, and the clerk took a step back. “I don’t see what the big deal is. I just wanna buy a pack of smokes, ya know?” she huffed at me.

“Ever since your kind has invaded Manehattan, all the decent folk up and left! So why should I oblige any single one of you?”

I snorted in response. “You know, you’re quite right with that one. Things have gotten quite dangerous since the griffons showed up.” she blinked at me in confusion. “In fact- I’ve heard of griffons going around, destroying little shops like this, beating up their owners. It’s quite terrible, really.”

She cocked her eyebrow, and I noticed a few beads of sweat on her brow. “I-I’ve heard enough. You need to leave now, you stinkin’ vulture!” I just laughed.

“But tell you what. I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.” I gave her a cheshire grin and she gulped nervously.

“I-Is that a th-threat?” She grit her teeth and glared, attempting to look tough- but failed terribly, instead giving off the impression that she was about to wet herself.

“Maybe. I have lots of friends- good, decent folk, you know? I’d be willing to have them lend you extra protection… for a small fee.” after a few seconds of silence, she scoffed.

“N-no. No! I don’t need your business nor do I need your protection! I’ve never even heard of these… these gangs of your fellow vultures destroying good pony’s livelihoods!” She pointed at the door aggressively, “OUT! Get, before I call the guards!”

I gave her a dark grin. “Have a nice day, ma’am.” I walked out the door, and once again the bell above dinged- but before I closed it- I flipped the sign from Open to Closed.

“Alright boys, have at ‘er. You all know the rules- keep it in your pants and such.” I addressed the five or so other associates of mine, and they all sported sadistic grins. I leaned against the wall and lit up a cigarette, listening with glee as the store was torn to pieces from the inside. The sounds of crashing, as well as breaking wood and glass could be heard, as well as the racist clerk screaming for help.

Once my cigarette was finished, I crushed it out, and the boys decided that the job was done.

“Good work, boys. Your pay will be through the usual channels, you know who to find.” I said, and they all nodded in understanding. They all left, saying their variations of Sounds good, Boss.

I walked back inside, the bell above the door falling impotently to the ground in front of me. The place was destroyed- coolers smashed, shelves knocked down, wine spilled everywhere. I made my way to the counter, being extra careful to not step on broken glass. I leaned against the counter and beheld the mare behind it ducked down and shaking terribly.

“Didn’t I warn ya’?” I asked with a smug grin.

“You… you’re an awful person!” She yelled, and I laughed.

“Tell you what- it’s a real shame what happened to you, really!” I reached into the saddlebags under my coat, producing a decently sized bag of gold and tossing it over the counter. “Luckily for you, I’m a generous motherfucker.” She just stared at it in disbelief.

“Y-you… w-what-” I gave her a ‘friendly’ smile.

“I’ll be back in a month to collect that back. If you haven’t made that much by then- we can work something out. You’ll find that I can be quite a reasonable person.” I turned to make my leave, but just before I left, I said- “My advice? Open up your shop to griffons. You’ll make more business that way.”

And with that, I left the mare to wallow in her own self pity. It was… quite entertaining.

---

Of course, I still needed to buy smokes somewhere.

“Excuse me, sir.” I said to a gruff looking homeless stallion, leaning against a wall. “You wouldn’t happen to know where one could buy Fillyscout cookies, would you?” He scowled at me- until I tossed him a coin, and his scowl instantly vanished.

“Keep headin’ down this street and you’ll find an empty carton of Marelboro’s marking the spot.” I smiled and nodded.

Thankfully, there was hardly a line when I got there. I approached the kid with a friendly smile- It always warmed my heart seeing young entrepreneurs making the best out of their situations.

“Oh, hello, Mrs. Leona! The usual?” the little hen asked, and I nodded. She handed me a couple packs of Marelboro’s, and I handed her a decent fistful of coins. She grinned at me, “You do realize you’re overpaying, right?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Kid, you ain’t never gonna make any money if you got that mindset. Besides- I was in your shoes once. I know the struggle.” She looked at me with wonder in her eyes.

“Really?” She asked, and I nodded.

“All the way back in the old country, when things first started falling apart. Ah, but that was a long time ago, now.” I figured I shouldn’t bore this kid to death with my life’s story, ya know?

“Woah…” she did seem genuinely interested- but I had work to do, so I couldn’t stick around.

“Although word of advice- you should definitely invest in a cloak and sunglasses. Helps keep you hidden and looks fashionable.” I tipped my hat to her and made my leave.

“Thanks, Mrs. Leona!”

“Don’t mention it, kid.”

---

Next stop- the red lights. I had a meeting with the Caporegime I put in charge of managing all the prostitution rackets.

Hopefully, I wouldn’t be around too long- this place was greasy, and not in any way that I liked. Despite that, it was still quite profitable- it is the world's oldest profession, after all.

I walked into the seedy old brownstone building and the doorman greeted me with a nod.

“Is Slick Back in?” I asked him, and he nodded with a grunt.

The man in question was actually one of the few ponies under my employ- at least, in any position of power. I knocked on the door to his ‘office,’ and he yelled through-

“Just a minute, ho!” I snorted and knocked again.

“You may wanna check just who the fuck you’re speaking to before you open your dicksucking mouth, asshole.”

After I said that, I heard him scrambling to unlock the door.

“S-sorry, boss!” He stammered out. He looked like your stereotypical pimp- with dark purple fur and black, greasy hair, and wearing an ugly leopard print suit. I just rolled my eyes at him as he stepped out of my way. I made it a point to avoid looking at his back half.

“Put that thing away, we got business to discuss.” I said to him. I looked at one of the nearby chairs and asked, “You did disinfect these, right?” He nodded rapidly, taking his seat behind the desk. I sat down opposite of him.

Thankfully, the chair wasn’t sticky this time.

“So, we still staying well above the red?” I asked, and he slid me a ledger. I examined it- it was titled The Book of Ho’s, and was a list of all the prostitutes, private dancers, and “Ho’s” under the employ of Slick Back.

I was reading through, overall feeling happy with the numbers- until I noticed an oddly familiar name- one which I couldn’t quite place yet.

“This one here, why’s she making less than all the others?” I asked, and Slick put on a monocle to read the ledger.

“Oh, yeah. That’s a new one- only started two weeks ago.” I cocked an eyebrow, and noticed that the date she was added was about two weeks ago- but there were others that were hired at the same time as her and were making more.

“But compared to the rest of her colleagues, she’s underperforming- And I wanna know why. Is she here?” I asked him, and he nodded. He clicked the button on his nearby PA system and spoke.

“Penelope! You better be showin’ up to my office quick as you can, ho!” You’d think that there wouldn’t be any hookers out in the daytime, and you’d be right- but some of them did actually rest here. There was a nice flophouse out back, where all the druggies could pass out safely- whether or not they were under my employ.

“Whot cun’ Oi help yew wit’, sir?” She then gasped, and I think my jaw dropped. “Yew!” she pointed at me. A grin slowly spread across my face.

“Well no fuckin shit. Been a while, huh?” I asked her.

“You know this bitch?” Slick asked me, and I laughed.

“Fuck yeah I do. How could I forget? She was a one night stand to my Mamma in some backwater we were passin’ through- and I helped set her up.” Slick gave me a wide grin. He patted me on the shoulder and I resolved to burn this coat later.

“I always knew you were a pimp!”

“Oi! Ya’ve got’a lot ta answer fer!” She approached me with a scowl- and got whacked in the skull by a cane that Slick kept on his person at all times. “OW!”

“Shit, you’re still mad about that debacle? It was like, damn near 15 years ago!”

“Yeah Oi am! You’ll’ve jus’ up’n walked off wit a massive tab! Cos’ us a lotta money, it did!” I scowled and grit my beak, grabbing her neck.

“And YOU’RE costin’ me a lotta money by suckin’ at your job!” She looked at me with fear in her eyes, and I tightened my grip.

“Now, now, hold on boss. Let the professional handle this.” He smirked and I gave him an incredulous look- but ultimately let go of her neck. As if she knew what was coming, she lowered her head. “Let us pray the pimp’s prayer.”

I cocked an eyebrow as he raised his hoof in the air. “Celestia, please pray for the soul of this bitch and guide my pimp hoof and make it strong, Celestia, so that she might learn a ho’s place. Amen.”

“Amen.” I said with a grin, having a feeling that I knew what was coming next.

SLAP!

I couldn’t help but cringe when I heard the force behind that slap. She fell to the floor, and I think her dead ancestors felt that one. Then I realized something.

“Actually, you know what it is?” I said to Slick as Penelope was choking back tears. “I think it’s her accent that’s putting people off.”

The pimp in question scratched his chin. “You might be right, actually.” He then looked towards Penelope. “From now on when you’re with your clients, I only want you openin’ your mouth to fill it with either dick or liquor. We clear?” He asked, and she nodded slowly while sniffling.

“Now git!” He smacked her on the ass and she ran out of the room crying.

“Fuck me sideways, I did not expect that.” I muttered to myself, then shook my head. “Anyways, Slick- aside from that little hiccup, everything else seems to be running well. You got my cut ready?” I asked him, and he nodded with a smile and tossed me a sack of gold.

“Excellent. Now if you’ll excuse me- I have a speech I gotta make. Keep up the good work- just make sure to keep a closer eye on little anomalies like that, ya hear?”

And on that note, I bid farewell. Next stop was Central Pony Park. I was joining in on a little protest.

---

It was just afternoon- and already, the park was damn near full! Ponies from all walks of life were here in support of banning the greatest temptation the devil ever created- Alcohol!

Let’s disregard the fact that Jesus allegedly turned water into wine- hooch is a creation of the devil! At least, according to all these bored housewives.

That’s right- we were all gathered in support of the local temperance movement! The uptick in crime caused by mass immigration, as well as fears of these immigrants, has lead to a longstanding moral panic in which the people blamed all the worlds problems on alcohol.

From mares who have disinterested alcoholic husbands, to wives of griffons who took up the booze to deal with the pain of losing everything- we had all walks of life here. Since I was rich and influential, I decided to use this movement to my utmost advantage.

“Mares and Gentlehens!” One of the leaders I’d been working with announced into the mic. “Please, give a warm welcome to Mrs. Leona Grimfeather!” the crowd began to cheer, and I took a deep breath.

“Greetings, people of Manehattan! As you all know, I’ve been a steadfast supporter of this wonderful movement ever since I moved into this city. As someone who’s been sober for almost 15 months now- I can attest firsthand to the dangers of liquor!” This was my first time telling my story in public, outside of an AA meeting- and I decided to play it up a bit, and embellish some parts.

“Just a little a over a year ago, I proposed to the love of my life- and almost lost everything.” I gave the audience a sad look. “For… personal reasons, I began to hit the bottle quite hard and regularly around the same time. I never really drank much before, and I disregarded all the signs that I could potentially develop a problem!” The crowd urged me to continue.

“If I had known the risks, or better yet, if I was never able to take the chance in the first place, I wouldn’t have had to go through the grief of almost losing everything!

“Alcohol is an utter poison! One which affects the mind in such ways as to change a person completely! It’ll make you do things you’d never think you’d do! It’ll make you hurt your loved ones with little regard for their feelings! And in my case, it almost cost me my marriage and my very life!” The women in the crowd looked somber yet supportive of my case.

“That is why I believe that the banning of alcohol is only common sense! The days of Equestria in which beer and liquor were safer than any drinking water has long passed, and has only been a detriment to civilized society since! It’s time we make a change!” I yelled, holding up a scroll. “On this petition is a list of demands for the Duke of Manehattan County! First and foremost, it includes the complete banning of alcohol! For private ownership or otherwise!”

The crowd began to cheer, and I smiled. “I say we all sign this petition and then march right to the Duke’s office!”

Soon, everyone was scrambling to put a signature down- although it wasn’t without naysayers. Men, mostly- the ones who would be most affected by this law, were not happy. Thankfully though- we actually had the city guard on our side. Any threats of violence were met with threats of arrests and potential incarceration, so the majority of them didn’t try anything.

After that, I had the whole crowd marching behind me like a parade as we made our way to the Town Hall.

I was led by the guards to the Duke’s office and shut the door behind me. It was a quant space- with fancy wood paneling, an ornate desk, and a nearby cocktail bar.

“Good afternoon, Leona.” He said simply, not even looking up from his paperwork. I could see that he was sipping a dry martini and I smirked.

“On this petition is a list of demands from the Wives for Sanity movement, as well as several signatures.” I set the scroll down in front of him and he barely paid it a glance.

Then, I grabbed my saddlebags and dumped them out on his desk, watching the mass of coins spilled out all over the place. Now I had his attention.

“You drive a hard bargain. Only, there’s one problem- where am I supposed to get my gin from?” He asked, and I reached into a coat pocket and produced a small bottle.

“Fresh off the still. My taste testers told me it’s pretty high quality.” He took it in his hoof and examined it curiously. He popped the lid with a crack, and took a sniff.

“It sure smells the part…” He mumbled, then took a small sip. “Tastes the part too.” He gave me a grin. “Alright, I’ll oblige your silly petition. Long as you keep supplying me with that stuff, we’ll remain quite good friends.” I gave him a smile.

“I knew you could be reasonable.” I made my leave, and met the massed crowd with a smile.

“Rejoice! For he agreed to our terms!” I yelled, and the loud cheers almost made my ears ring. Sadly, however, I had to wrap it up. After all- I still had other biz to attend to.

---

Next stop- my gambling Caporegime. This one should be relatively brief.

He was at the casino, which was just getting ready to open for the evening. It was a big place in the middle of the city, and had an attached hotel and everything.

That’s not to say he just operated the casino’s, though. He ran all sorts of stuff- races and fights, as well as fixing those races and fights, on top of sports betting, and a bit of insider trading, to a degree.

The doorman greeted me with a nod. “Boss will meet you in his office- he just had some business to finish up.” I nodded back at him.

“Tell him to not take too long.”

I stepped into his office and sat in the chair.

“Ayy, ring-a-ding, baby!” that smarmy fucker said as walked in wearing his favorite checkered suit.

“How’s it runnin’, Benny?” I asked him with a smirk.

“Pretty well, though there’s been talks of bannin’ the booze.” He sat across from me, and his face took on a more serious look. “Are you sure that’s the right move? Nothin’ gets people into gamblin’ more than if you drive some liquor into ‘em first.” I rolled my eyes at him.

“Benny, I already told ya’. We’re set to make so much fuckin money, we won’t know what to do with it all! If you get rid of the supply, the demand goes up- and I’m gonna have a fuckin’ monopoly on all the booze in the city. Hell, I already got a couple of trusted guys working stills, I just need to find a guy to manage the speakeasy’s.”

He gave me a smirk. “If ya say so.” He said, pulling out his ledger for me to examine.

“And besides, doesn’t most of our profit come from fixing anyway?” He just shrugged.

“To an extent. It’s definitely gonna cut into the casino, though.” I looked through the ledger and nodded in satisfaction.

“Trust me, Benny. We’ll be makin’ so much money that you could shut this whole operation down and live off booze money alone. You know where to drop the loot off, right?” I asked him and he nodded.

“Good. See ya’ around.”

“You’re leavin’ awfully quick. You got somewhere to be?” He asked with a smirk, and I chuckled.

“Just going to see the best lookin’ gal’ in town, besides myself.”

---

I arrived at the Barnyard Bargains soon enough. I didn’t even bother saying a word to the cashier, instead making my way straight to the back. My wife’s office was flanked by two guards standing in front of the door. Each one carried two pistols which I made special for them, as well as cutlasses. They were basic pistols- single shot flintlocks, but with enough training, they became quite proficient in their operation.

I’ll be damned if I was gonna let something happen to my wife when I’m not around.

“How’s it goin?” I asked them casually, and they simply nodded. “Good.” They were both wearing suits and sunglasses- it made them look like government agents, almost.

“Pizza delivery!” I yelled, causing Dee to jump in her seat.

“You ass!” she jokingly yelled. I made my way over and we shared a nice, long kiss. God, I love her.

It was getting late, so I knew she’d be getting off work soon. “You wanna check out that new restaurant that opened down the street after work?” I asked her, and she glanced to the side.

“Actually, I can’t…” I cocked an eyebrow at her, “One of my supervisors called off and I can’t get anyone to come in. I gotta help close up.”

I couldn’t help but sigh in annoyance. “Seriously? Again? Where d’ya find these clowns.” I tapped my beak in thought, then shrugged. “Shit, pass me your keys. I’ll help close.” She snorted at me and laughed.

“Yeah, sure thing.” She said, rolling her eyes.

“I’m being serious!” She blinked at me incredulously. “I don’t want you to have to work an all day shift, it’s bullshit!”

“Leona… I appreciate the offer, but you don’t know the first thing about running one of these stores. It’s an entirely different world from what you’re used to!” I just rolled my eyes at her.

“Bah, it can’t be that hard! What do I gotta do? Sweep? Help customers?” she bit her lip.

“I mean, technically, but… you also gotta count the money, and-and-” she bit her lip, then sighed.

“Oh, what the heck.” She gave me a smarmy grin that I wasn’t sure if I liked. “It’s time you got a taste of the shit I put up with every day.” She went over to a nearby coat rack and grabbed a bright, xanthous yellow vest.

“Here, put this on.” I did just that, but I didn’t bother zipping it. I looked goofy as fuck with that vest over my coat, but I didn’t care. She then handed me her keys, saying “Don’t lose these!” She grabbed a walkie talkie.

“Everypony, please meet me up front. We’re gonna have a quick meeting before I head out.” On the way up she said, “And try not to threaten any customers!”

It was at that moment that I realized I may have been in over my head here.

She walked me up front and introduced me to her team.

“Everypony, this is Leona. She’ll be stepping in as the closing manager tonight. She’s my wife, so I’d like you all to treat her as such.” One of the guys under her employ cocked an eyebrow.

“Is that… I feel like that’s against company policy.” I snorted at him.

“Well, the CEO is my father in-law, so I actually have a permit.” I said, reaching into my coat and producing a piece of paper.

“... This just says I do what I want.” the employee deadpanned.

“Congrats! You can read.” Dee smacked me on the back of the head.

“Why do you have those?” She asked, and I shrugged.

“Comedic timing.” she facehooved.

“Alright, look- just try to keep her filled in, alright?” She said to the guy. Evidently, he had high seniority, but not high enough to be trusted with keys. She turned to me and said, “And don’t worry about the money- I’ll just do that in the morning.”

She turned to her crew and said, “Alright, you guys can get back to what you were working on. That’s all I got for ya's.” She then looked to me with a pleading look in her eyes.

“Baby… are you sure you’re okay with this?” She asked, and I responded by kissing her on the cheek.

“I’ll be fine! Just go home and relax, you deserve it!” She gave me a weary smile.

“Thanks, honey.” She leaned in and whispered in my ear, “if it all goes well, I may let you try that thing you’ve been wanting to try. You know what I mean.” She gave me a sultry grin and the feathers on my neck stood straight. She kissed me on the cheek, handed me her walkie and left.

Her two guards followed her, and that was that.

After she left, I decided to relax for a bit. I made my way to her office and took a seat on her comfy chair. I lit up a smoke and used a glass as an ashtray.

“This… is gonna be fuckin’ easy.”

“Mrs. Leona?” the cashier said, “A customer up front wants to speak to the manager.” I groaned in annoyance.

“The fuck do they want?” After a few seconds of silence, he replied,

"They uh… well, now she’s upset because of the way you talked over the radio.” Oh, right- he doesn’t have an earpiece.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be up.” I groaned in annoyance, letting my cigarette hang over the glass.

The customer in question was a very prissy looking mare- she had a blonde bob cut, designer sunglasses, and an overall demeanor that said Please rob me! I have money!

“What’s the problem?” The mare scoffed at me.

“Are you the manager?” I spread my arms wide.

“No, I’m the president of the fucking United States. What you need?” The mare and the cashier both seemed taken aback by this, for some reason.

“Now who the fuck do you think you are to speak to me like that?” She asked, hooves on her hips. I just rolled my eyes in annoyance.

“Listen, lady. I was in the middle of a cigarette when you pulled me up here, so let’s make this fuckin quick.” I glared at her, and she took a step back. “What. Is. The. Problem?”

She huffed at me and pointed to her shopping cart- there was a baby inside along with a bunch of groceries. “Well, when I went to buy that bag of potatoes-” she gestured to the produce in question. “The cashier tried to tell me it’s five bits more than what was listed on the shelf!”

I blinked in sheer, utter confusion. “Are you…” I looked to the cashier, “Did you check the price on the shelf?” I asked him, and he nodded.

“To be fair, the listed price is cheaper than what it rang up as, Ma’am.” I blinked, completely fucking dumbfounded. “I apologized and fixed it, but she still wanted to speak to the manager.” He gave me a sheepish grin.

“Oh, that’s it? That’s all?” I couldn’t help but laugh. The woman looked at me with a smug grin, so I said- “Charge her double.” Her expression fell into one of pure, unadulterated rage.

“NOW JUST WHO THE FUCK-” I ran up and grabbed her by her shitty haircut, drawing my dagger and pressing it to her neck. Her look of anger and bravado fell instantly as she started shaking.

“You fuckin’ heard me.” I looked to the cashier, and saw that the baby was giggling. “Charge her double. For the whole order.” I looked at her and scoffed.

“That oughta teach her some fuckin manners.” I let go of her hair, holstered the dagger and walked away.

“Oh, and if you think about reporting this to the police?” I dragged a claw across my neck. “Capische?” She nodded her head so fast I thought it would fly off.

I walked away with a hearty laugh, eager to return to my cigarette.

Man, I don’t know why Dee’s always complaining. Dealing with customers is easy. A few minutes into my cigarette, the cashier spoke up again.

“That was fucking awesome.” I couldn’t agree more.

For the next hour or so after my cigarette, I was just idly walking around the store, moving products to the front of the shelf and whatnot. Apparently it’s called front facing- but it just seems like busywork to me. Especially things hanging off pegs- what fuckin difference does it make if the products in the front or not? There’s either something there or we’re out of stock; does ol' Daddy Rich think the general public are dinosaurs who can’t see anything unless it’s moved up front?

But I digress.

Anyways, I was about to go and rock a piss- but we can’t have nice things, can we?

“Hey, Mrs. Leona? Could you help a customer over where the tools are?” I groaned in annoyance.

“Yeah, I’ll be over.”

In the tools section, there was an ancient stallion who looked like he was one foot in the grave.

“Excuse me, sir!” Evidently, he was blind, too. “I'm looking for something.”

I shrugged. “What you need?” I asked, and regretted it immediately.

“I’m looking for a whirligig saw!” I blinked at him twice.

“A what?”

“You know, a whirligig saw. You use it with a comealong to make it easier to use a porto-power with. Everypony knows that!” I blinked at him some more. After a few moments, I was able to formulate a response.

“What?” All the while, I still had to pee.

“You know, this reminds me of back when I was a cart repair stallion! Let me tell you, missy-”

And he just kept talking.

And talking.

And talking.

Everytime I’d try to get away, he’d just keep. Fucking. Talking. Holy fuck! I think an hour had passed at this point.

“Oh, would you look at the time! I really gotta be going-” I turned around to try and leave for the 15th time in the past 7 minutes, and finally finally, he stopped talking.

“Well anyways, it was good talking to you, young man! You take care, now. I think my wife’s probably looking for me.”

“Yeahyougoanddothat!” I blurted out, literally running to the bathroom like a little girl who held it too long.

What. The. Fuck.

I still don’t know what tool he was looking for!

I walked out of that bathroom feeling about 100 times better- then I heard something that made my blood pressure spike.

“Mrs. Leona? Could you help a customer by the patio furniture?”

“FUCK!” I yelled out loud. Then I took in a deep breath and calmly said into the radio- “Yeah, gimme a minute. I’m going out for a quick smoke then I’ll be right there.”

After a few minutes he responded, “They said you can take your time, they’re not in a hurry.”

“I wasn’t giving them an option.”

After chuffing back a couple cigarettes, I was feeling considerably calmer. I approached the couple with an actual smile for once. They actually seemed like a nice couple- newlyweds if I had to guess.

“What can I help ya’s with?” I asked. I probably smelled like a cigarette, but I didn’t give a fuck.

“We just had a couple questions about this patio set, if you didn’t mind.”

A couple questions was an understatement. Granted- it was a really nice patio set, and pretty expensive too. They were asking all sorts of bullshit questions- How high quality is the metal? Does the wicker come with a warranty? Is it rust proof? Is it scratch proof? Will this chair hold my obese cousin? Is it fireproof?

Finally, they made their decision.

“Well, we appreciate your help!” The lady said, and I gave her a smile in response.

“Alright, alright, let’s get serious here- you wanna buy this set or not?” They both exchanged odd looks, and I felt my blood pressure spiking again.

“Well… I don’t know, we still have to think about it!” I squinted at them.

“What’s there to think about?” I asked them, and they seemed taken aback. “You told me you liked it, ya asked me four million questions and I answered every single one. You tested it out, you love it- what more is there to consider?” The stallion just blinked in confusion.

“Well, it’s a big investment, we just gotta consider it for a little bit, ya know?”

“Consider it?” My friendly demeanor disappeared entirely. Why don’t you consider-” I checked my pocket watch, “You’ve been busting my balls for an hour asking me every goddamn ridiculous question under the sun- what about the metal? What about the warranty?” I said in a mocking tone as they walked away.

The lady turned around and said “You cannot talk to customers like that.” I just snorted.

“Customer? You call yourself a customer yet you ain’t bought a goddamn thing!” The stallion huffed,

“Well, we ain’t buyin it from you, if that’s how you talk to customers. I wanna see the manager.”

“You wanna speak to the manager? Here’s the manager!” I said, using a wing to point to my flank. “Right here, here’s the manager! Wanna talk to him?” I looked back and said, “What should I do? Throw em out!” I yelled that last bit.

“Well, you heard the man! He said throw ‘em out, he’s the boss!” They looked at me in disgust and fucked off.

I checked the time and let out a sigh of relief. Finally. Five minutes to close.

I said into the radio, “Alright, let’s wrap this circus up, I got a woman waitin’ on me at home.” I said into the radio. “You take one half of the store, I'll take the other half- tell everyone we’re closing.” I said.

“But… but we have five more minutes!”

“Did I goddamn stutter?” God, working retail fucking sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, and my wife does this every day? What the fuck!

I approached a unicorn stallion with a shopping cart full of booze.

“Hey pal, we’re gettin’ ready to close. Wrap it up.” I said to him- and to my surprise, he glared at me.

“You got a lotta nerve, showing your face around here.” He said, his voice slurring somewhat. “Tryna’ ban all the booze! The fuck’s your problem?” I rolled my eyes at him.

“Like I said, closing up. Let’s go.” I turned around without saying a word like a moron.

And was awarded by being shanked in the side with a switchblade.

“FUCK!” I yelled, grabbing my gun in a panic. His knife was quite deep in my side, and he was trying to move it around, almost in a sawing motion. “You cocksucker!” I yelled.

BANG!
BANG!

I fired off two shots, one which missed and shattered several wine bottles and the other hitting my assailant square in the chest. He dropped like a sack of potatoes and I heard over the radio,

“WHAT HAPPENED? ARE YOU ALRIGHT?” I leaned against a shelf, applying pressure to my side to try and slow the bleeding.

“No, I just got fuckin' stabbed!” I grunted in pain, “Get a fuckin’ ambulance!” Normally, I would try to get to one of the doctors under my payroll- but I think I had a good enough self defense case here that I wasn’t worried about it.

“A-alright! Don’t move!” the kid yelled. I just sighed in annoyance, putting a cigarette in my mouth and lighting it.

“I fucking hate retail.”

Ah, the joys and wonders of dealing with the general public in a retail environment. Seriously, if you've ever worked in a tool store, you'll know the struggles of dealing with old boomers who couldn't even tell you where they are. Or fuck, old people in tool stores in general. Ugh.

Have you ever wondered why Leona is such a deeply angry person? :P

Which is ironic- I've implied it VERY indirectly, but Leona is canonically a boomer, born in the 50s. Make of this what you will :3

As always, thank you for reading! Likes and comments are appreciated greatly :3