You know, when we moved to Ponyville, we expected to live a nice, quiet life.

Boy, lemme tell ya’- we were in for a fuckin ride.

I guess I should start with the direct fallout of the… arson incident.

Well, the plan worked- the class knew we were crazy and would absolutely do something stupid in a revenge scheme- so we were able to do whatever we wanted with impunity.

So when I decked Silver Spoon in the face and broke her glasses- we were met with no resistance or repercussions. It was nice.

Dee and I are still steadfast friends- we’re always there for each other when the going gets tough.

So much fuckin crazy shit’s happened in the past 9 years that I don’t even know where to start.

Let’s start with me- puberty hit me like a goddamn train. I grew a fuckton- I’m now about as tall as Mamma, if not a little taller. I remember her reaction when my first molt happened.

---

“Mamma!” I yelled through the house. I was just sitting on the couch suffering.

“What is it, baby?” I was itching all over my face, chest, and wings- a burning itch that was so bad I was worried I was gonna start giving myself lacerations.

“I think I caught something! Everything itches!” she gasped and her eyes lit up. I looked at all the broken feathers on the ground around me and wondered if I had any left at all.

“Oh my goodness! Sweetie, you’re molting!” my pupils shrank and I pulled a dead feather that was loosely hanging to my chest. Immediately, I knew what molting implied.

“When… When am I gonna start my estrus cycle?” She bolted over and hugged me.

“Oh, sweetie, it’s nothing to be afraid of! It’s just a part of life we all go through- no need to be embarrassed about it!” I was still a little freaked out. Puberty fucking sucked the first time around and I was not looking forward to it a second time.

Then again… at least I won’t be bleeding from my snatch every month- I’ll just get a bit more hormonal than normal, instead.

---

Boy, did I underestimate that. I remembered all the times I made fun of Mamma when she was in heat and honestly regretted it. I could not blame her for wanting to get some once in a while.

Never thought I’d ever wind up going native, but a few years of dealing with my estrus cycle using Mrs. Rosy Palms and Her Five Friends got real old real fast.

Personal stuff aside, My feather pattern changed subtly- my chest plume got much bigger and softer and my face started to grow these small, golden feathers that matched my eyes and reminded me of freckles. Not gonna lie- I kind of liked the look.

Dee didn’t fare much better at the time. She started wearing braces and her face would constantly be breaking out. She was really self conscious at the time and some people thought they could make fun of her.

A couple broken noses later really nipped that trend in the bud.

On an unrelated note- it turns out that Dee is a lesbian. I don’t have a problem with that- me being bi myself- but it just came as a bit of a surprise to me.

Since then, we’ve been attending the local highschool. It wasn’t big at all- only 8 rooms, one for each grade. One for each year of students.

But anyways, all sorts of crazy shit happened in Ponyville itself, too.

Twilight Sparkle, the local autist, became another alicorn!

I couldn’t care less about that, to be frank. What I do care about is that time a massive demon from Tartarus was marching to Ponyville- and not once did it occur to Princess Autism to warn anybody.

---

Dee and I were having a sleepover of sorts at her house- although, really it’s because we both got way too stoned the night before and decided to crash in her room.

I awoke that morning to find that it was still nighttime. I glanced at the clock and knew something was wrong when I saw the time- it should’ve been morning an hour ago.

“Dee!” I wasted no time, shaking her awake. “Dee, wake up! Something’s wrong!”

“Mmmghuh?”

“Something is very, very wrong- the sun should’ve been up an hour ago.” she looked at me and blinked in confusion. The sun rose outside-

“See? Everything’s fine. Just lemme sleep in for a bit.” she was about to roll back over when the sun set once again. The celestial bodies repeated this nonsensical cycle a few more times before the sun finally stayed.

Her parents were on a trip to Manehattan- so that just left us. “Follow me!” we ran side by side to my house- Our plan was to hide in the cellar until this shitshow blows over.

“Mamma!” I yelled through the house. “WHERE ARE YOU!?”

“Upstairs, sweetie!”

“Well get down here and hide! Shit’s about to go down!” She walked down the stairs rubbing her eyes and I was in the middle of loading my crossbow.

“Come on, something’s fucking with the sun again!” When the sun is out of control, it usually means that the Princesses were incapacitated- and whatever caused it typically had bad intentions. Mamma nodded, and we made our way back- then we saw it.

Far in the distance was a big, red centaur thing. It was using magic to lift up groups of running ponies at a time and apparently eating their magic.

“Close it, close it!” I yelled to no one in particular as we slammed the cellar door shut and barred it from the inside.

It was… I’ll be honest. I was fucking terrified. I was shaking like a leaf, wings spread as wide as possible- a subconscious reaction to danger, it makes us seem taller. I kept the crossbow trained at those doors for hours.

There wasn’t a whole lot I could do to that thing… but when it comes down to it, I was not gonna let that demon take away the only two people in my life which I cared about. If I had to use myself as bait so they could get away, I absolutely would without a second question.

We were down there for what felt like hours when we heard a knock on the cellar door.

“Leona! Amelia! It’s safe, you can come out now!” That sounded a lot like Twilight Sparkle.

Cautiously, I approached the door.

“Whoever’s there, be warned I have a loaded crossbow, and I have no problems with using it.”

“Leona, please! Tirek is gone!” Slowly we emerged from the cellar and surveyed the damage. Thankfully, our house was untouched- but there was also a massive fuck-ugly crystal palace on the edge of town. Man, that’ll fuck our property values.

---

I still can't believe they forgave Discord for that. Speaking of that crazy fucker- when he took over, I was less scared and more perplexed.

---

The sun and the moon fought for dominance in the sky. It was raining chocolate milk from cotton candy clouds and the roads were made of soap. I saw Dee running around like a madwoman, so I grabbed her tail and got her to stop.

“The fuck’s everyone freaking out for?” her eyes were darting back and forth until they slowed. “I mean, it’s not like it’s dangerous or anything.” she tilted her head.

“Huh… I guess you’re right. So then why is everyone freaking out?” I just tapped my skull a couple times.

“Herd mentality. You see a group of ponies running in terror and your first thought is to join them- whatever’s a danger to them is a danger to you.” It was a vicious domino effect, really.

“Huh… weird.” she just shrugged. We decided to chill on a park bench until this all blew over.

I’d give my two cents on the matter but I spent them on a Coke which Dee and I shared. I picked a cigarette, fresh off a cigarette tree and tried to smoke it, only for it to turn into a candy cane once I tried to take a drag. Meanwhile, there was water coming out of my lighter.

---

Overall, we were just left feeling confused when things went back to normal.

I’m still clueless as to how they “reformed” him. I only had one conversation with the crazy fucker- and let me tell ya, that freaked me out. This wasn't too long after the Tirek clusterfuck.

---

I was minding my own business, smoking a cigarette that I bummed off someone earlier. I was, of course, sitting on a park bench- a throne of knowledge and wisdom where my best ideas are conceived- second only to the shitter.

I took a drag of my cigarette and tasted something minty.

“I didn’t realize I was smoking menthol.” I looked down and realized- there was a candy cane between my fingers. I just sighed in annoyance and tossed the worthless confectionary to the side.

“The fuck do you want, Discord?” I asked, not even bothering to turn around.

“Oh come on now, Leona! That’s no way to greet somepony!” He appeared in front of my face and I snorted.

“Why do you say that ridiculous pony-centric word anyway? You sure don’t look much like a pony.” He looked like a clusterfuck more than anything else. His scientific name would probably straight up be Equus Clusterfuckus. He just giggled.

“And neither do you, Trinity!” I froze stiff, my eyes widening. A bead of sweat rolled down my forehead as I looked around, making sure no-one was nearby.

“How the fuck do you know that name?” he just giggled in response, taking a seat next to me and putting an arm around my back.

“I don’t know, High Lord Executioner. You tell me.” my heart felt like it was gonna pop in my chest.

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Bellucci. I won’t judge you for your past- only for your future.” I grit my beak,

“What… Why are you here? What do you want?” He just gave a hearty laugh.

“I just thought I’d warn you, Trinity.”

“Don’t call me that name. Trinity died a long time ago.”

“Ah, but her legacy lives on- in the form of the daughter of… well, I don’t want to spoil anything, now would I?

“I don’t know what plans that old squid fellow has with you, but I will tell you this-” he got close to my face, really close.

“Whatever happens, no harm is to come upon dear Fluttershy. Understood?” I nodded my head rapidly, feeling fucking terrified.

“Splendid! You have a pleasant day, Leona!” he disappeared and I vomited off the side of the bench.

---

God, I still freak out when I think of that encounter. Needless to say, I’ve started actively avoiding him since.

Speaking of freaky chimera’s- there was that time something called a bugbear attacked Ponyville. I wasn’t even in town at the time.

Dee asked me if I could take her hunting sometime; probably to satisfy some morbid curiosity or deep seated bloodlust. Who knows. We were young teens at the time.

---

She and I were stalking through the Whitetail Woods- I had her carrying a pot full of ingredients I was gonna use later. It was relatively early morning- so there was a sort of fog that hung thick in the air, making it feel cool and damp. Sunlight barely filtered through the fog and tree canopy- so it was quite serene.

I was wearing my worn black cloak which had been patched and refitted so many times over the years, courtesy of Miss Rarity. I think she about had a stroke when she first saw the tattered old thing and basically held me hostage until she could repair it. Hell, even the gold hem was so dingy that you could barely see it anymore.

Getting sidetracked- she and I stalked through the woods slowly, keeping our eyes peeled for anything. We were on the prowl for wabbits.

Uh… I mean rabbits. My crossbow had also begun to show its age- it was covered in knicks and scratches, the paint was starting to peel off- but it still shot good.

Still wish I had a proper rifle, though.

I held a wing in front of Dee causing her to stop. I pointed wordlessly at a fat rabbit that was eating some clover in the grass. She watched in fascination as I lifted my weapon.

Thwip!

The thing started thrashing and screaming on the ground- the bolt had gone through him and pinned him to the ground.

“Hope the guts aren’t spoiling the meat.” I murmured to myself, wasting no time in holstering my bow and grabbing my dagger.

“You wanna go for the nape of the neck- that’s the best way to put something down.” I did just that; my dagger which was as sharp as ever cut into the nape of its neck- the screaming and movement stopped.

I looked over and saw that Dee was mesmerized, watching the blood leak from its neck wound onto the forest ground below.

“Lets head back to camp.” I yanked the bolt out and slung the rabbit across my back.

The aforementioned “camp” was actually an old abandoned cabin in the woods. Dee and I would hang out here all the time- just chilling, smoking weed, what have you. I even tried setting up my own weed operation, but that zebra in the Everfree just had me beat in both quality and production.

She’s got that real sticky-icky green that’ll drive your ass all the way to Shambhala.

We both sat at the rotting old picnic table and I got to work. Cutting a small seam along the back, I was able to grip my fingers just underneath the skin, pulling each flap off in two quick movements.

“Now unless you want to make the world's smallest coat, I recommend just getting rid of the fur.” She just looked on in morbid fascination as I just threw the fur deep into the woods for some coyotes to munch on. “Same with the guts. Just toss them- though you may want to hold your breath for this one.” The smell of organs was something I was well used to, but Dee looked like she was about to gag as I just used a hand to scoop them out and toss them into the forest.

“If you ever wondered what your guts smell like- well, they smell like shit. Literally. Or maybe it’s the other way around?” I just shrugged and chopped the head off, once again chucking it to the side. I held the carcass, giving it a once over and nodding. Dee spoke up.

“Can… Can I touch it?” she had an odd look on her face that I couldn’t quite read. She poked the cadaver with the tip of her hoof, prodding at the exposed flesh as though she expected it to get up and walk away. “So weird…”

“Yeah, you are weird.” I gave her a smug smirk and she blushed, looking off to the side.

“Am not!” I just snorted.

“Says the girl who’s currently helping me do one of the most taboo things to even talk about in pony society.” which was true- everyone knew Mamma and I hunted regularly for protein, but no one ever talked about it- most folks get queasy at the mere implication of such a thing. She just scoffed at me.

“Whatever. What… what comes next?” I just smiled.

“Gotta wash it.” We went to a nearby rapid freshwater stream which I used to clean the rabbit.

Fun fact about griffon biology- many of us inherit traits from our progenitor species. What that means is that since Mamma and I are corvidae griffons, we could technically be carrion eaters- so we have very strong stomachs as a result.

So really, I wasn’t that worried about getting sick. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a stomach virus.

Back at the camp, I got a cutting board out and started to work- I also set the ingredients to the side and began cutting up the rabbit into little bits.

“You mind getting a fire started for me?” She smiled and nodded, and I heard the sound of an axe chopping wood behind me. I was just idly fileting the rabbit into little pieces and throwing them in the pot.

I really was curious about the real reason she wanted to be here. I asked and her only answer was I’m curious while blushing and looking off to the side. I wasn’t gonna judge her for it- I’ve known plenty of sick, depraved fucks who get off on bloodshed and murder.

I see one in the mirror every day, after all.

After getting most of the meat off the carcass, I tossed the bones into the woods and washed my knife in the river. Back at camp a fire was going and the morning fog had begun to recede.

Since I am a very careful person and always mindful of cross-contamination, I flipped the cutting board over and used the other side, using a hand to swipe the dirt off.

What? The ingredients were gonna be boiled anyway.

I grabbed a potato and began to slice it into big chunks and threw them into the pot
while Dee sat across from me.

Next, I grabbed a carrot and held it up to her. “Wanna do me a favor and bite the thin end off?” she shrugged and bit it off with a loud crunch. I just sliced the carrot, then I did the same with an onion, simply tossing the skin onto the ground.

Then, I started tearing up a sprig of dill and parsley, then added a chopped green onion into the pot. I poured water from a jug into it and hung it off the spit which we kept over the fire.

“Just gotta add the final touches.” Bay leaf and a half ton of salt and pepper for flavoring. Well, not literally but you get it.

The soup began to boil and I stirred it around with a ladle every now and then.

“See, I actually learned this recipe off another traveler. Apparently it’s a Northumbrian dish- normally it would use fish but eh. Fuck em.” I scratched my chin in thought. “Can’t remember the name, though. I’ve started calling it End Of Month Soup- after all, the ingredients are so common and cheap that even when you’re damn near broke you can make it.”

“I don’t think the rabbit is very common, though.” I just snorted.

“Not if you know where to look for it.” she just shrugged.

After about 10 minutes, the soup was ready. I poured myself a bowl and sat at the table across from Dee.

“Well, that’s how I hunt for food, more or less.” I gave her a smirk. “Did I sate your curiosity?” she nodded slowly, looking at the soup like it was an alien.

After a few minutes, she spoke again.

“What… what does it taste like?” This gave me pause. Honestly? I wasn’t sure how to answer.

“Well, rabbit meat tastes like chicken, though that doesn’t do you any good. It’s like asking you what hay tastes like because to me, hay is just grass. It’s not part of my diet- I’ve never even tried it.” Although, perhaps it’s because I’ve never even thought to. She blushed and was looking off to the side.

“Can… Can I try some?” I was in the middle of lifting a bite to my mouth when she asked. I paused… then I shrugged. I’ve heard of actual horses back home eating squirrels before. What could a bite hurt? Besides, I was kind of curious as to what she would taste.

I lowered the spoon and grabbed another bite, making sure to grab a small chunk of rabbit as well. I held the spoon up, and she just ate it with a light slurp. She chewed curiously for a moment.

“The vegetable aspect tastes good…” Of course, the standard for pony soup is vegetables without any sort of meat stock or broth- “But the chunk of rabbit tastes… weird.” She presumably gulped the piece down. “It’s like… chewing on a piece of rubber, it doesn’t have much taste to it.”

“We must have different taste buds, then. Interesting.” I continued my meal and she asked me a question that almost made me do a spit-take.

“What would I taste like? Or, what would pony meat in general taste like to you?” I just tilted my head.

“Odd fuckin’ thing to ask.” she blushed again. I remembered hearing descriptions of horse meat back home.

“Well… probably a mix of gamey-ness and sweetness. Really though, it depends on your diet. Like, you do eat a good amount of vegetables and fruits, but you also eat a lot of processed foods and sweets.” I looked to the side and clicked my tongue. “I don’t know, to be honest. I guess you’d taste pretty sweet. Hell, your flanks would probably make for a good steak.” It was a weird thing to say, but she started it. Talk about eating ass. She blushed beet red when I said the flank thing.

I just chuckled and finished my breakfast.

“Mind carrying the pot? It should be cooled down by now.” she did just that, throwing the now cooled pot onto her back.

I decided to strike up a conversation on the way back.

“Well, I hope you found that… enlightening, I guess.” After a few moments, she smiled and nodded.

“Yeah… yeah, it was pretty interesting.” I just snorted.

“That’s one way of putting it.”

---

I still don’t understand why she was so curious about that ordeal. While I’m still thinking about my bestest pal in the world- there was that time I helped her through an identity crisis. Those’re always fun, lemme tell ya’. We were still in that little schoolhouse at the time- Dee was running as class president against that midget from Trottingham, Pipsqueak.

I was her campaign manager- and I kinda fucked up, not even gonna lie.

---

“The votes have been counted!” Cheerilee announced to the congregation outside the school. Dee and I just stood there with smug grins on our faces- Surely, victory was in the bag for us!

See, I wasn’t just her campaign manager- I was her enforcer. I figured I could just shake my fist around for a bit, crack my knuckles, play with my lighter and grit my beak, and the rest of the chucklefucks would realize that voting for Pip would be… against their best interest.

“The student pony president is…” I slapped Dee on the back, a gesture which meant Go get ‘em!

“Pipsqueak!” If I was drinking something I would’ve done a spit take- Dee was in about the same boat.

“H-huh wha-?” was her only response, jaw dropping and eyes widening.

Cheers erupted from the crowd and I just started hearing ringing in my ears.

“I couldn’t ‘ave done it without the help of my campaign managers, the Cutie Mahk Crusaders!”

I just punched the dirt with a fist. The Dipshit Trio checked their asses- and lo, not a cutie mark to be found. I mean, seriously- you’re this old and you haven’t figured out a single thing that you’re good at?

“Guess you’re not as good as you thought, blank flanks!” I just scoffed and stormed into the buildings.

“There is no way, there’s just no way! I refuse!”

…

“TWO. VOTES.” I gripped the ballots in a fist and slammed them on the ground. “UNBELIEVABLE!” Dee looked at me with a look of pure, abject sorrow and stormed off- and I ran after her.

“Dee! Wait up!” I yelled for her.

Eventually I caught up- Instead of looking angry like I expected, she was walking slowly, just staring at the ground.

“Dee! Speak to me, bud!” I threw a wing around her back and she just sighed.

“Leona… what do you think my cutie mark means?” I cocked an eyebrow.

“I… can’t say I’ve ever thought of that…” After a few moments of silence, I asked- “What do you think it means?” She just sighed.

“That’s the thing! I don’t know what it means…” she looked to the side, “My mother always said it meant that I could always get ponies to do what I want, but now… I’m not so sure.” I just tapped my beak a few times, lost in thought.

“I think… I think I have an idea. Whenever I want something, what do I usually do?” She stopped suddenly.

“You… you take it.” I nodded.

“And if that doesn’t work?”

“You… try to bribe or intimidate whatever’s stopping you?” I snapped my fingers.

“Exactly! That’s one way to get what you want- but there’s other ways, too!” We both sat on a nearby bench, and I put a wing around her. She gasped, her eyes widening.

“I think I get it… your methods are totally unsubtle and overt… and when I try to use the same methods as you, it just doesn’t work out for me…” She looked at me with a smile. “We can’t beat everyone up! That wouldn’t work here, no no no… but if I can undermine Pipsqueak, then…”

“Then you can take over as the de-facto leader!” I held up a fist which she bumped with her hoof.

“I’ve got an idea! We’re going full damage-control!” I felt so proud of her, to be honest.

The next day at school, Pip was set to give a speech- see, he promised to have our clapped out old playground equipment repaired and replaced; that was literally the one thing he promised he’d do as president.

What he didn’t count on was the fact that Diamond Tiara’s mother was head of the school board.

He was standing at the shitty roll-out podium sweating bullets. The CMC didn’t look much better.

“‘E-’ello everypony…” I crossed my arms with a smug grin, holding a clipboard under my wing. “I uh… I submitted our request to the school board and… and…” the congregation was looking around nervously, murmuring amongst themselves.

“The request was denied due to… to budgetary constraints.” he lowered himself as though he was trying to hide behind the podium. It was our time to shine.

“And? What now?” Diamond Tiara spoke up- “You just gave up?” I gave a mocking snort and handed her the clipboard. The murmurs started to shift towards disappointment and anger.

“Luckily, I came prepared.” She walked up to the podium and almost knocked Pip out of the way. “This is a petition signed by over fifty Ponyville residents.” she had a smug look on her face.

“It highlights all the dangers and issues with our current playground equipment and also includes a list of all past incident reports in which somepony got hurt. With this list, I am confident I will be able sway the school board to our side in this urgent matter.” The mood was noticeably uplifted among the crowd while Pip and the CMC slowly skulked off.

Dee managed to force herself to have a look of regret.

“Due to recent events, I’ve come to realize the error of my ways. It has been brought to my attention that for years I have been constantly hurting my peers with impunity.” She took a deep breath. “I ask not for your forgiveness, nor do I ask for the spot as President. I humbly ask that you allow me to assist in improving our situations in any way I can.” I was… a little surprised by that, not even gonna lie.

I noticed the smiles among the crowd- and Silver Spoon was the first to speak up.

“Diamond Tiara, I’ve known you for years before… well, that doesn’t matter.” She had an odd look on her face- and I hoped for her sake that she didn’t fuck this up for her.

“First, I’d like to say… I told you so.” Diamond Tiara had a worried look on her face and I began to clench my fist.

“Second…” She gave a light smile. “If you really mean it… then I forgive you.” Dee’s smile grew and I nodded in satisfaction and finally spoke up.

“Let’s give it up for Diamond Tiara!” cheers erupted from the crowd as they stormed the podium and literally lifted Dee above their heads in joy. I gave her a proud smirk and I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look so happy before.

After class was over and everyone was gone, we took the clipboard with the fake petition and threw it away- after all, we’d already worked out a deal with her father.

Later that evening, we were just chilling at the lake- which I started calling Moonside Lake. She was laying on a blanket and I had my back against a tree.

“I told you that you could do it.” I just said with a smirk and she just snorted.

“Do you think you’re confident of your place in life now?” She gave me a wide smile.

“I think I get it. The whole time I’ve been trying to rule as Queen… when I should’ve been ruling like a Princess.” I smiled.

“Dee… you’ve got charisma. You’ve got looks. And you’re a damn good bullshitter. Today was proof of that.” she blushed and looked to the side. “If you put your mind to it, you could take charge of your own empire!” her eyes widened in wonder at the implication.

“The fact that you got fucking Silver Spoon to say she forgave you is a feat in an of itself! I honestly thought she saw through your bullshit at first.” She had a misty eyed look on her face.

“Leona… I want you to promise me something.” I just looked at her and cocked an eyebrow. “Whatever future business ventures we may take part in… I’d like to keep you close by.” My eyes widened. “While being nice is the way to go for me, personally… You know when it’s a good time to use your fists!”

“So like… a business partner? Or a consigliere?” she just snorted.

“No, as a friend, you knucklehead! Together, I feel like we could take over the business world!” That’s what she always wanted to get into, after all- she always wanted to take over her fathers businesses and expand them. I just smiled.

“Yeah. Yeah, I can get behind that idea.” She bolted up and wrapped her arms around me.

---

And that leads us to the present day. Dee turned 18 a couple months ago and I myself had turned 18 not too long ago.

Finally! We could legally do some of the things we’ve been doing since we were 13! We still couldn’t drink or smoke until we were 21, though.

Whatever.

We still remained the bestest of friends and ever since that class president debacle she had gained much more respect among her peers. That said, I still had no problems playing the part of the enforcer.

We were at the abandoned cabin in the woods where we were working on our first real business venture together- moonshine.

The plan was simple, really- we were gonna sell it to the underaged masses of Ponyville at a profit. I was eventually gonna work on getting some flavor infusions, but the jury rigged nature of our still left things to be desired.

Dee had left to rock a piss and I was finishing up bottling our supply. There were three distinct groups of jars- The heads, the hearts, and the tails.

The heads were worthless- unless you wanted to go blind, that is. They’re full of methanol, or wood alcohol- and since I don’t believe anyone in Ponyville had any Irish ancestry in them, it was overall worthless. The hearts were the middle of the batch- apparently the highest quality stuff out of the whole lot.

Although, considering the fact that this is unflavored corn liquor, I doubted it would amount to much. We were essentially making an unaged whiskey here. The tails were exactly what it sounded like- the literal tail end of the batch.

I had called over my two favorite lackeys to test what I really hoped was where I believe the heads ended and the hearts began.

“Snips, Snails!” It’d be a shame to lose them, to be honest.

They both ran up and saluted. “Yes ma’am!” I snapped twice.

“Smokes, let’s go.” dejectedly, Snails reached into his bag and produced a pack of Marelboros- which I had no problem taking a handful and lighting one up. Cigarette still in my mouth, I grabbed a jar for them to split.

“I want you both to take a big gulp of this stuff and tell me if you start to go blind or not.” I’ve met cats and dogs smarter than Snips and Snails- in fact, most cats and dogs are smarter than Snips and Snails. They took the jar and both took a decent gulp of it, cringing fiercely at the taste.

“If we start going blind, you can fix us, right?” asked Snips.

“Yeah.” It wasn’t a complete lie- if I had some regular booze to give them, it would bind to their liver before the methanol. Hopefully. If not, I had no problems with burying bodies. After a few minutes, Dee showed back up.

“Finally. Thought you got lost or something.” She just rolled her eyes.

“You know how I feel about going in the woods.” I just snorted.

“You wouldn’t have made it on the trip from Featherworth.” I flopped onto the old couch that was nearby and she joined me with a chuckle.

“Yeah, can’t argue with you there.”

We decided to give it about an hour and a half- if the methanol poisoning was gonna kick in, it would be within that time period. Dee and I just shot the shit for a bit and I gave Snips and Snails a couple joints to share so they’d keep their mouths shut.

After the time had passed, I asked them if they felt anything.

“Yeah dude… we’re baked as shit.” Snips answered, thank fuck.

“But can you still see?” I held up four fingers. “How many fingers am I holding up? Or is this too high of a number for you two?” They both stared at my hand for a few seconds. I started slowly moving it around and saw that their eyes were definitely watching it- they could see just fine. They’re both just morons.

“Okay, good enough.” I gave them their jar of liquor as payment.

“Hey boys… knock knock.” they both just looked at me weirdly before they spoke up-

“Who’s there?” I gave them two middle fingers.

“Fuck off.” and they did just that, leaving Dee and I alone. I took a marker and made sure all the bad jars were labeled- we’d just dump them out later. I looked outside and noticed that it would soon be sundown.

“Hey, Dee…” I gave her a smile, grabbing a jar of the good stuff- and by good, I meant it wouldn’t kill us. “What say we test our product for the night, eh?” After a few moments, she gave me a devious smile. I smirked and popped the jar.

I let out a deep breath. “Cheers.” I took three large gulps before almost dropping the jar. I coughed and breathed in as best as I could, tears forming in the corner of my eyes.

“It’s real good.” She just laughed and took the jar. She repeated the process and suffered about the same.

“Could really use a mixer… or a chaser…” I just gave her a dopey smile and resealed the jar, putting it into my bag for later usage.

“Let’s have a night on the town!” I said, and she agreed.

About halfway on the path to town, we both started to sway lightly. Dee was blushing a little and had a stupid grin on her face- and I looked about the same. I put a wing around her to steady our walking a bit.

“Holy fuck, that stuff’s strong.” I burped and fucking regretted it- it felt like I just took another swig of the stuff. “Ohh, do not burp!” She was cracking up at my expense and I couldn’t help but join her.

“How much do you think we can get per jar?” She asked me, causing my eyes to narrow. I was performing intense calculations-

“Well… material cost plus… ABV plus… labor… I got it!” She looked at me expectantly. “I’m way too drunk to do math right now.” We were both laughing and she grabbed the jar out of my bag.

“I’ll drink to that!” She took a swig and I did the same as her. It wasn’t as bad, now that we knew what to expect. It still burned like hell, though.

And so, our night of drunken revelry carried on. All sorts of crazy shit happened that night.

At one point, we were walking past some random house near the outskirts. She gasped and I stopped to see what the commotion was. She gave me a smirk and pointed at…

A garden gnome. I smiled deviously and nodded.

I grabbed the tiny being and ran with it- both of us sprinting through Ponyville like a couple of lunatics as I held the gnome under my wing. Eventually we ditched it- but we couldn’t remember where. Oh well.

At one point, we both got the liquor munchies and stopped at my house to raid the fridge. We both destroyed a week old leftover pizza, each taking more gulps of liquor and punctuating them with gulps of juice.

Apparently we were making a bit of a ruckus and I quickly moved to hide the moonshine.

“Leona? Dee?” At first she looked confused, then she no doubt saw the looks on our faces. “You’ve been out drinking, haven’t you?” I just shrugged.

“We only had a couple of drinks!” Mamma just scoffed.

“Yeah, so would Gramma. Look what happened to her. Just… just be careful, alright?” She came over and gave me a quick hug, which I reciprocated.

“Love you, Mamma.”

“Love you too, baby. Try not to stay out too late.” as she walked upstairs she yelled down- “And don’t forget the recovery position!” I rolled my eyes.

“On my side with my face pointing away from the bed, I know, Ma!”

We both took a few more swigs of juice and another gulp of moonshine each.

“You ready?” she nodded and we headed out.

“So… what happened to your Gramma?” a bit of a blunt question to ask, but I could hardly blame her. We are both wasted, after all. I just shrugged.

“Eh, she was a massive drunk for as long as I can remember. One day she woke up complaining of bad stomach pains- so she took some Aspirin and washed it down with rotgut.” I just snorted. “It turns out, that’s not how you deal with a stomach ulcer. She croaked not long after that.” Dee just cringed.

“Yeah… yeah I bet.”

“And that’s not even the worst part! She saw the upcoming economic clusterfuck and spent all our money on booze, the drunken old harpy.” I grit my beak. “I’d… I’d rather not talk about it anymore, if that’s alright.”

She just nuzzled my side and I couldn’t help but smile. I threw a wing around her.

Eventually, we made our way to Moonside Lake. We were both sweating from our night of unrestrained boozing and the night wind made it feel chillier than normal- so we were cuddled up next to each other on the shore for warmth. She leaned into my side and I wrapped her in a wing.

We were down to our last quarter of the jar and it really showed. The moon hung high in the sky and reflected beautifully on the lake- and since we were so drunk, we got to see it twice.

“I had… a wonderful time tonight.” I looked over and she was red faced, grinning with a dopey looking smile. She looked… oddly cute.

“Same… we’re gonna make so much fuckin money together.” I gave a smile and she seemed… disappointed? “What’s wrong?” I couldn’t help but ask

“It’s just… we’ve been best friends for so long now… and you’ve always been there when I needed you…” She was circling a hoof around my chest plume and I cocked an eyebrow.

“You… You said you wanted to be business partners, but… but what we have is far too casual for me to even consider it to be that…” She continued and I tilted my head. “I want… I want more.” she looked up at me and smiled that same, dopey looking grin. “You’re smart, funny, you’re pretty…” I think my heart stopped for a second there.

Me? Pretty? Now I know she’s drunk.

“I… will you be my special somepony?” she had a pleading look in her eyes that broke my heart. I just sighed.

“Dee… you don’t want nothin’ to do with me on that level.” her smile fell and she gave me a look of abject heartbreak that just hurt to look at. “I’m a bad, bad person, Dee. Some would call me evil, even.”

“B-but I…”

“Dee, listen. It’s not you, it’s me- as cliché as that sounds… I wanna protect you. I wanna see you succeed in life and… I’m worried I might hurt you.” that hurt to think of more than anything else. I remember how Mamma felt everytime I fucked something up and felt a lump forming in my throat.

“You’re not! You’re not evil! You’re wonderful, and kind, and… and so beautiful- like a graceful raven in the sky!” I just snorted, but it came out as a sniffle instead.

“I’m more of a dirty old carrion crow, wallowing in the filth and decay around me.” I took a deep breath and shuddered. “Dee- I was fully prepared to bury Snips and Snails today if it came down to it! In fact, I thought nothing of it!” she just snorted.

“And do you think I wouldn’t have helped you?” I was taken aback by this, not gonna lie.

“But… but you…”

“Knew the risks. I know how methanol poisoning works, I’m not stupid!” she had a sort of fire in her eyes.

“I never said you were!” She smirked.

“Do you remember that hunting trip you took me on?” I blinked and nodded slowly. “Surely you noticed how… strange, I was acting, no?” she began to giggle oddly.

“All day, I was thinking about that rabbit. How it lay there, helpless as you slowly walked up to it and… and… I was imagining what could be going through its head. Fear? Anger? Hatred?” she bit her lip, her hoof pressing into my feathers. I put two and two together and smiled.

“I’ve killed other griffons before, you know.” Her eyes shot open and I wondered if I made a mistake.

“I… tell me the details.” she began to blush and I don’t think it was from the alcohol. “All… how was it?” I just snorted.

“It was completely unplanned. I was robbing him at knifepoint… and I slashed his chest open and stabbed him between the ribs.” I smiled at the memory. “There was so much blood… he looked at me with pure hatred in his eyes… then looked afraid when he realized how fucked he was. I sliced his throat open… the blood started shooting out in spurts to the rhythm of his heartbeat… until it stopped.” Her breathing intensified and I laid down- and she laid on top of me, burying her face in my chest.

“It makes you feel so powerful… like a God…” I smiled… then Dee let out a sob. I wasted no time in wrapping my arms and wings around her.

“Please, just… enough teasing.” she sniffed. “I want you, damn it!” I blinked twice and gave a devious grin.

“You… you really mean it, don’t you?” she nodded and I rolled over- she was laying on her back beneath me and I stood over her, spreading my wings in an imposing manner. Her breathing intensified and she nodded rapidly.

“More than anything.” I shot my head down, beak aiming for her neck.

---

We uhh… we cuddled last night. That’s all we did, for sure. Cuddled real hard.

I laid in her bed, arms, legs, and wings wrapped around her peaceful, sleeping body. It felt… it felt like our hearts were beating in sync, if that made any sense.

Come to think of it… have I ever had anyone love me in… this way? I honestly don’t think I have. Honestly, I’m still a bit shocked for so many reasons.

Like… I’ve always had a fascination with death- I have ever since I was five years old and watched my father blow his brains out. But Dee… She likes it for a whole different reason. Very different reasons.

“Dee?” It was early morning, the sunlight filtered through the curtains.

“Hmm?”

“I love you, Dee.”

“I love you too, darling.”

I grinned. This… would be the start of something awesome, I could tell.

Leona's an adult! And as batshit crazy as ever.

She has a girlfriend now! I wonder what kinda hell they'll raise as Ponyville's newest psychotic power couple?

I sure hope Leona doesn't struggle between keeping her girlfriend happy and her Mamma happy at the same time- it feels like there's a conflict of interests there.

Not to mention- Leona has her own plans in life. Things... could get interesting; after all, she's hardly used to having anyone but herself to worry about. Now she has her Mamma and her lover to think about.

As always, thank you for reading! Likes and comments are encouraged and appreciated greatly :3