“And Then They All Died a Horrible, Painful, Tragic Death”

“... and guess what happened next? Dashie kissed me! On the mouth, even!”

With great gusto Pinkie Pie slammed down her front hooves on the cafe table, to emphasize that she’d reached the denouement of her story. She beamed happily across the table at all of her friends, across the towering piles of empty plates and glasses, as the other gathered ponies let out a collective gasp, with the exception of Rainbow Dash. For her own part, the rainbow-maned pegasus just grinned--although she looked as though she couldn’t quite decide whether to be proud or embarrassed.

Applejack was the first to recover herself, and she turned to stare at Dash with an incredulous expression on her face. “Didja really kiss her?”

“Well, you know ...” Feigning casualness, Rainbow gave a small shrug. “It just seemed like the thing to do at the time.”

“She’s a super great kisser,” Pinkie added in a stage whisper.

At that, Fluttershy made a soft, strangled noise in the back of her throat, and her face turned several different and very interesting shades of red as she blushed furiously.

While the yellow pegasus floundered in embarrassment, Dash began thumping her own chest with a hoof. “Yes, it’s true. Best kisser in Equestria! Right here!”

Twilight frowned in her pensive, analyzing way. “Should I write to the Princess about this? I think I should maybe write to the Princess about this, so that we can--”

“Oh, Twilight Sparkle, don’t you dare!” Rarity gasped in horror and began rapidly shaking her head. “To even think that you might debase this beautiful, fledgling love affair by treating it as just another homework assignment!”

The other unicorn flinched at the chastisement and hunkered down in her seat, all thoughts of a letter to Celestia immediately abandoned. She had to stifle a sigh, though, as it undoubtedly would have been a really, really great letter. The sacrifices one had to make in the name of friendship ...

Meanwhile, Rarity turned towards the two young lovebirds with unmistakable glee shining in her eyes. “Well, darlings, just what are you going to do now?”

Rainbow and Pinkie exchanged confused looks. After a moment, Pinkie hesitantly offered, “We could … um, we could go play pranks?”

“Pranks are cool,” agreed Dash in a lofty tone, the very picture of magnanimity. “Or maybe try to eat all the cookies at Sugar Cube Corner?”

Grinning, Pinkie nodded at the suggestion offered by her partner in crime. “It would be a big job, no doubt about it--but somepony has to do it!”

“No, no, no,” Rarity interrupted, as a small, strained laugh escaped her lips. “I meant, what are you going to do now that you’re established as paramours?”

There was a silence. Applejack mouthed the word “Paramours?” at Fluttershy, but Fluttershy still had that frozen, deeply traumatized look in her eyes and, consequently, didn’t respond. Twilight helpfully leaned over and whispered the word’s definition in Applejack’s ear. As soon as she had, the earth pony began snickering.

On the other side of the table, more than a little confused, Dash was blinking at Rarity. “Is a paramour like a parasail? ‘Cause I don’t think Pinkie’s very much like a parasail.”

“No, not really,” the pink pony confessed. There was a hint of sadness in her words. “But Dashie kinda is, what with being a pegasus and all.”

“Paramours!” Rarity repeated, her voice rising to its higher registers. “Inamorata! Lovers!” Rarity took in the blank stares of her two friends and sighed. “Fillyfriends, that is to say.”

“Ohhhh,” said Pinkie, slowly nodding.

Rainbow cocked her head and frowned. “Why didn’t ya just say that to begin with?”

Rarity’s right eye gave a very slight but still noticeable twitch. “Anyways. As I was saying, what sorts of romantic activities do you have planned for the future?”

Another awkward silence fell over the table. Fluttershy cautiously lifted her chin, just enough to sneak a peek at everypony through the strands of her long mane.

“You have no idea how this is supposed to work,” murmured Rarity, gazing at her two friends with a growing sense of alarm. “Do you?”

“Weeeell.” Pinkie scrunched up her nose, deep in thought, before shrugging. “I kinda just figured that everything would be like it was before. But with more make-outs!”

“Lots more make-outs,” interjected Dash.

Pinkie giggled a bit. “Lots and lots of make-outs.”

With a scandalized squeak, Fluttershy slipped to the ground and disappeared completely underneath the table. Quickly Twilight ducked her head and went after the skittish pegasus, and from under the table, the other four ponies could hear the magician as she tried to gently coax Fluttershy to return to her seat. Although, from the sounds of things, Twilight wasn’t having much success.

Rarity gritted her teeth. “Make-outs, as you so crudely term them, are not romantic. Do you really mean to say that you’ve no intentions of infusing a bit of romance, a bit of fairy tale charm, into your new relationship?”

Pinkie Pie fixed her eyes onto Dash and squinted intensely, as though trying to gaze into the very depths of the pegasus’ soul. In an unusually quiet voice, she began, “Rainbow Dash and I could … we could …”

Rarity waited with bated breath. A small tendril of hope, tender and fragile, took root within her breast.

“ … we could make Gummy and Tank race each other!”

Dash pumped her hoof into the air, immediately taken with the idea and practically quivering with excitement. “Aww, yeah!”

“No!” screeched Rarity.

Pinkie and Dash both slumped down in their chairs, wearing identical pouts. “No?”

“No!” The unicorn stamped one white, dainty, perfectly-manicured hoof. “That is not how this is supposed to work!”

It was at this point in the conversation that Rainbow Dash made a mistake. A very costly mistake. A mistake that would prove to be the biggest mistake of her life to date.

Frowning, Rainbow glared daggers at the irate unicorn and huffed, “Well, how do you know how it’s supposed to work, anyways? You’ve never even dated anypony!”

Rarity’s eye gave another twitch. A much more noticeable twitch, this time.

As one, the four ponies who were not Rainbow Dash or Rarity rose from their seats and slowly began backing away from the table. Even Pinkie Pie seemed to comprehend that there was a bad moon on the rise, as she placed a firm hoof on her beloved’s shoulder and began tugging, in an attempt to get Dash’s attention.

But the stubborn pegasus continued on obliviously: “And that stupid old Canterlot prince doesn’t count. I mean, you didn’t even like that guy …”

And then they all died a horrible, painful, tragic death.

Well, that is not quite literally true, perhaps. They may not have died actual deaths, in a purely factual manner of speaking. But by the time Rarity’s rage-fuelled, whine-injected lecture drew to a close--nearly an hour after it had began--most of them felt as though they had died. Had died, and been dragged to hell and back. The ones who did not feel this way, meanwhile, simply wished that they had in fact died rather than being forced to face the almighty wrath of a unicorn denied her romance.

When the dust finally began to settle, Rarity did not allow any of her friends to escape until Rainbow Dash promised to buy flowers for her new fillyfriend at least once a week and Pinkie Pie swore to write (and perform) a love song for Dash no less than once a month.

“Now, then,” finished Rarity, with a prim little smile, after she’d successfully extracted these concessions. “Was that really so very hard, darlings?”

In lieu of a verbal reply, the rest of the table just stared at the unicorn with a terrible, crushing sense of awe and fear--and, in the case of Applejack specifically, with a great deal of confusion over just how turned on she suddenly felt.

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Author's Notes: The title of this one came from my Beloved Spouse, who is deliciously evil. Also, I believe this might be my first attempt at writing in the third-person omniscient. It feels strange. Not bad, but a bit strange.