Psychedelica – Pastel Ponies
A pony story by Joseph Raszagal
As inspired by stuff best kept away from children
Chapter Ten – Family Matters

With what was likely the single most smug look in existence, I grinned and declared, “King me!”

“Ya'll are too good at this, it ain't fair!” griped Apple Bloom in return, placing a formerly captured red checker atop my newly crowned king. “Can't Ah just go back to beatin' Gilda?”

“Hey!” exclaimed the bird as she leaned back into the couch opposite of us. “I don't always lose!”

That wasn't what the last ten games had said.

Bloom and I both raised an eyebrow.

Placing a claw over her face to hide the growing redness, Gilda mumbled, “Just... sometimes... usually... more often than not...”

“I'll bet money that your battle strategy is to just try and rush her with your entire front row,” I snickered.

“You don't have any money!” the griffon snapped.

“He don't need any,” my tiny opponent laughed. “He's right. Ya do it every time.”

Blushing even harder, Gilda turned her head from us and grunted, “Fine then, you caught me. Your deductive prowess is staggering.”

“Oh, no you don't,” I replied, pointing a hoof. “Not those words, nuh-uh. I'll out Sir Arthur Conan Doyle your feathery butt any day of the week. Besides, you're not much of a Sherlock. More of a Watson, really.”

I'd have said ass instead of butt, but the kid was sitting right across from me and I'd promised the Boss that my mouth would be on its best behavior.

So far I was doing alright.

“Don't ya mean Sherclop an' Trotson?” questioned Apple Bloom confusedly, her face scrunching up in thought.

Really? Foiled by pony puns again? That's, what, the spazillionth time today?

“Must have slipped my mind,” I retorted, brushing off the inquiry. “So, got any other games? Risk is a personal favorite of mine.”

“What, that one that takes, like, 20 hours and involves you trying to take over the whole world or something?” piqued Gilda, still frowning.

“Yeah, that's the one.”

“Forget that, dude.”

“Aww, c'mon, don't be such a stick in the mud. We're supposed to be showing the kid a good time, remember?”

“No way, man, she kicks my flank at Checkers on a regular basis, I don't wanna have to defend an entire empire against her! I'll become Gilda, the general that got her forces massacred by a filly!”

“Right now you're more like Gilda, the Gigantic Wuss,” I smirked, my grin as Cheshire as possible without risking permanent damage to my cheeks.

At that, the bird's face went full-on crimson, her cheeks burning with wounded pride. In one swift motion, she launched from the couch, did a loop in the air, then landed in front of me with a single talon pointed squarely between my eyes.

To my credit, I didn't flinch.

“You're on,” she sneered menacingly. “I don't even care if I'm the one that wins, I'm gonna attack every single country you control on sight, buddy. You're going down first and not in a blaze of glory. I'm gonna make it sad and pathetic.”

“Do try,” I said, smiling serenely as I continued to press her buttons and dismissed her with a lazy wave of my hoof.

Narrowing her eyes into a squint that Clint Eastwood would have been proud of, Gilda quietly uttered, “Oh, it's a promise.”

“Ah don't get a vote in this, do Ah?” asked Apple Bloom, her eyes shifting between Gilda's barely subdued rage and my comparatively pleasant aloofness.

With a shrug, I answered her, “Don't worry, it'll be fun. Besides, if she does just go after me the whole time, all that'll really accomplish is making your victory all the more easy to achieve. Think about it... Apple Bloom, Destroyer of Words. Doesn't that have a nice, albeit somewhat menacing ring to it?”

After deliberating it for a few more seconds, an enormous smile overtook the little filly's face as she jumped to her hooves and exclaimed, “Ah'll go get the board!”

Heh, victory, thy name is Jeremy.

A few hours later and the three of us found ourselves embroiled in a bitter conflict.

Well, about as bitter as a conflict can get when one of your enemies is cuter than a friggin' box full of kittens.

“Wow, who would've guessed that the Griffon Kingdom shells out ten units per turn?” I snickered, eying an absolutely furious Gilda as I munched on a bowl of potato chips.

This next one's to her credit. The seething bird was only an arm's length away, so she could have just punched me in the nose if she really wanted to, and considering all the grief and incessant taunting I'd been putting her through, I probably would have deserved it.

For whatever reason though, she didn't. If anything, I'd say she was actually secretly enjoying having someone to butt heads against.

Heh, she was the one who said it first, right? Jerks of a feather flock together~

Setting her glass of (shocker!) apple juice down, Gilda crossed her arms, turned away from me, and spat, “You couldn't even let me have my homeland.”

Pointing at the board, I protested, “Hey, it's a war. I'm not supposed to let you have anything. And anyway, I'm not the one who took it from you in the first place. Apple Bloom did. I just got lucky and took it from her.”

“Stupid dice,” huffed the kid, pouting.

“Oh, geez, don't you complain too!” I exclaimed. “You're still winning! You've got at least a third of the map!”

Shrugging, Apple Bloom countered, “Well, ya'll just said it's a war, right? Can't say Ah'm happy to lose any countries. Unless Ah'm playin' against mah brother, Ah almost never lose.”

“Shhh!” I shushed her, leaning in melodramatically as if to share something far more secret than what I was about to say. “That'll just revive her half of the argument and we'll be back to square one.”

“I can still hear you,” Gilda snorted.

Turning to lock eyes with her, I deadpanned, “Of course you can, I wasn't really trying to keep you from listening in.” Rolling my eyes, I sighed, “You really don't know anything about humoring kids, do you?”

“I buck apples and I fly,” answered the bird grouchily. “Sometimes I buck apples and fly. Isn't that enough?”

“Not during wartime, soldier,” I snapped back, putting on my best R. Lee Ermey impression. “Now get back out there with guns blazin' and fight!”

Though she quickly suppressed it in favor of another frown, I'd seen the smile flash across her beak before she could quash it.

It would seem I was right. Butt-heads enjoy butting heads indeed.

“You're goin' down,” Gilda smirked, finally unable to continue glowering.

Picking her glass back up, the competitive griffon took a sizable gulp just in time for me to completely forget about the promise I had made with Applejack and say, “Not likely, I haven't done that since college.”

Gilda's response came first, sputtering immediately as she choked for air around the juice that had gone down her windpipe.

“What's that supposed to mean?” asked Apple Bloom.

Uhhh...

Gilda and I traded a worried look for a split-second before I coughed and answered, “I'll tell you when you're older.”

“Awww, I hate that answer!” Bloom complained. “Everypony's always tellin' me that!”

Back in control, I shrugged and replied, “Well, just think of it like this then. Once you're older you'll get to know all sorts of stuff.”

“But Ah wanna know now!” she continued, losing absolutely no steam in the process.

As if on cue, Zecora entered the room with an admonishing look aimed only at me and said, “Time teaches us all new things. Soon, Apple Bloom, you will see what it brings.”

It took me a moment to accept the fact that I had been simultaneously saved and scolded by the local Yoda.

Still, I eventually managed, “ Exactly. Some things take more time. And they're better with time. Don't think of it as being forced to wait for something. Stay a kid as long as you can. The adult stuff can wait. Besides, being an adult means a heap of responsibilities. Being a kid is way more fun.”

“Indeed, Jeremy, worded very well,” stated the zebra with a smile. “Though you slip sometimes, you're quite good with children, I can tell.”

“Guessing you had some siblings of your own?” asked Gilda offhand.

“Yeah I~

…

“Actually,” I said, my whole body going stiff. “I don't know.”

“What's that supposed to mean?” the griffon pressed. “You either did or you didn't, right?”

Staying silent for a moment, I stood up and shook my head, “I just... don't know. I can't remember.”

Gulping audibly as a chill ran down my spine, I thought back on my family life before leaving planet Earth in favor of Equestria. I had a mother. I had a father. I had two uncles, both great guys. And I had...

In a rush, I galloped out of the room, throwing open the front door and sucking in a breath of some much-needed fresh air.

There was something I was forgetting. Something big.

But what?

To be continued in Chapter Eleven – The Heart of the Problem...