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A Pony Walks Into A Bar...

by chief maximus

Chapter 6: Pinks

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Pinks

Pinks hasn't paid for a drink in as long as I can remember. Not that I'm giving her free drinks, mind you, but, in a word, she hustles. And boy, is she good at it. She'd come in, mane tied back, bandana around her head, ready to draw in some poor sap who thought he shot a good game of pool or could throw a dart.

She'd throw the first game; charm the guy (usually a guy, but she would work either gender) and get him to bet big—or just bet a drink. Pinks never lost a game unless it was on purpose. She was just too good. And she didn't even have fingers! She whipped griffons, zebra, unicorns, pegasi, you name it!

Anyway, tonight was like any other Saturday. The bar was filling up, and Pinks had just walked in. I greeted her in a manner to which she was accustomed.

"You planning on buying a drink tonight, ya filthy earth pony?"

"Not from the likes of you, meanie-pants!"

We both shared a good laugh. It varied from time to time, but our greetings were more or less the same. "Not many newcomers in the bar tonight. You may have trouble getting your drinks."

She hopped on a stool and kept an eye on the pool table and the dartboard. "Don't worry, Frosty, everypony likes to play games! You just have to wait until they're ready." Just as quickly as she'd sat down, she trotted toward the pool table and grabbed a cue. She put her bits in the table and proceeded to miss shots and generally suck at pool until a stallion from out of town offered to teach her the game.

Right into her trap. She told him she wasn't very good, but she'd love to play him if he put a drink on the line. He was more than willing to make time with her for the price of two drinks. I served him up two beers and resisted the urge to shake my head. Sometimes, it was fun watching Pinks work.

I'm sure she could probably get the jacket off this guy's back if she wanted to, but he—along with the rest of town—was lucky she only used her power to get drinks, and not, say, the deed to his house. In six games, she had humiliated this poor sap. Unfortunately, he didn't take to losing too kindly. After Pinks decided to enjoy her drinks and have a seat at my bar, he went back to his group of friends for a thorough harassing. Apparently, his ego wasn't used to being so aptly bruised.

I could see him stealing more and more angry glances in Pinks' direction. She was completely oblivious, but I knew trouble brewing when I saw it. After about an hour, he marched up behind her and tapped her shoulder.

"Oh, I remember you!" she said cheerfully, looking over her shoulder. "Come to buy me more drinks?" I couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or serious. That's Pinks for ya.

"Hardly," he grunted. "I want my money back. Nopony hustles Eight Ball."

"That's too bad. You already spent it, silly!"

That was not the response he was looking for. His pals had gathered behind him—I assume to intimidate her—but there wasn't an ounce of fear across those pink cheeks. Just her usual smile.

"You said you didn't know how to play pool." He was getting upset now. Nopony likes to be made to look like a sucker in front of their friends. "And you still beat me."

She smiled, finishing her beer. "Beginners luck?"

"For six games?" he snapped. Things were getting tense now. He turned her around on the barstool, and that's when I reached for something to diffuse the situation. "You're gonna give me that money, or we're gonna have a problem."

Click Clack

"There better not be any problems from the likes of you in this bar, friend." I produced the shotgun I keep beneath the bar and aimed it over Pinks' shoulder. It was filled with rock salt. Not a lethal round, but nasty enough to ruin a night, let me tell you.

Had he been wearing any pants, I'd bet he'd have filled them. The entire bar was silent as the standoff continued. I'd never allowed fighting or any of that juvenile nonsense in my bar before, and I wasn't about to start now. I couldn't let these jerks rough up one of my regulars. "Now, we're all reasonable ponies here. I'm sure there's some way—besides me filling your chest with shot—that you and my friend Pinks here can settle this."

He shifted, adjusting his jacket. His friends had already taken a few steps back. "You're right. There is." He turned to his friends and they began whispering to each other. I lowered the shotgun and set it back in its hiding place. "We'll drink you for it."

Pinks raised an eyebrow, but I knew exactly what this guy had in mind. "Drink... me?"

"He means a drinking contest, Pinks," I whispered to her. She brightened up instantly.

"Well, why didn't you say so?" she chimed.

"You got some friends for your team?" he asked.

"Do I ever! Elements of Harmony drinking squad, assemble!" I looked around, expecting the ponies she'd called for to come bursting through the wall or something.

"Uh, Pinks, you may want to just—"

"Shh! Give 'em time," she insisted. Sure as I'm a booze vendor, Applejack came running through the doors with... damn, what was her name... uh... Rainbow Dash!

"Ah... thought... Ah... heard... drinkin'... contest..." Applejack panted.

"You heard right! We've gotta drink these sore losers under the table!" Pinks chimed as the purple unicorn from last night casually strode in.

"Pinkie? Are you in here?" The girl from last night strode in shortly after. She'd made quite the recovery, though I'd bet she knows some great hangover curing spells being the princesses assistant and all. Anyway, after her came Shy and the lovely Ms. Rarity. Before I knew it, I had two drinking teams ready to face off.

Now, this may seem like an odd occurrence, but I'm actually pretty well prepared for this kind of thing. I have a rulebook and everything. I grabbed the dusty old book from beneath the bar and retrieved the Bell of Dionysus—a fog bell from an old boat I used to own.

I rang it once. "A challenge has been issued by, uh... Eight Ball, was it? To you, Pinks and her drinking team, the wager being the bar tab and the cost of the alcohol used during the games." I turned to Pinks and her band of sisters. "Do you accept?"

"You bet your flank we do!" Pinks replied, her expression falling as she quickly conferred with her friends. "Right?"

"Well, I hardly think a drinking contest is any place for a lady—"

"Ha, I knew your squad didn't have the guts!" one of their opponents taunted.

Apparently, nopony interrupts Rarity.

"But if it puts ruffians like you in their place, then I have no problems drinking them under the table!"

"Yay, Rarity!" Pinks cheered.

"Uh, guys, we've got one small problem," Rainbow piped up from the back of the group. Fluttershy was studying her hooves pretty intently, and I could guess why.

"I-I'm sorry girls, I don't think I'd be very good at this kind of contest."

"Ha, or any contest!" one of the leather jacket clad troublemakers jeered.

Eight Ball stepped toward Pinks. "So now you're one pony short. Looks like you're gonna have to forfeit!"

I'd have agreed with the jerk, if it hadn't been for Applejack chuckling softly in the background. "Actually, no, we won't."

"Well, we aren't dropping a member, so either find a sixth, or get ready to pay up," he growled.

All eyes were on Applejack as she adjusted her hat. "I think we'll be just fine." She turned toward the back of the bar and called into the dim light of the far back booths. "Mac!"

A screech of metal on tile echoed through the bar as a stallion I recognized as one of my regulars appeared from the shadows. One of my rather quiet regulars. A large red stallion about the size of my bouncer slowly trotted towards the group. Every eye in the bar focused on him as he discarded the sprig of wheat hanging loosely from his lips.

"Ah understand y'all need a sixth."

"Well, I don't drink, so... um... if you wouldn't mind taking my place, I'm sure I could cheer you on," Fluttershy mumbled.

"Don't you worry none, darlin'," he said with a nod. Mac turned to face his opponents as he stood among his new drinking team. "If y'all are done flappin' your lips, we got some drinkin' games ta win."


"Now then, the first rule, not a drop can be spilled. Any loss of alcohol, either by vomiting, spillage or some other form of alcohol abuse incurs instant disqualification," I read from the rulebook. "There are five events, and at the conclusion of the final event, the team with the most events won is the champion."

"Fine, what's the first event?" Eight Ball asked. I donned my ceremonial, giant, purple referee top hat and explained the rules.

I flipped farther into the book until I came to the event list involving tab disputes. "The first challenge goes by many names, but by far the most widely known is... beer pong." The rest of the bar cheered as the wait staff set up the table and the ping pong balls were gathered. "Choose your best two players!"

After setting up the game, Twilight and Applejack stood opposite a griffon and the guy Pinks hustled. "The rules are simple: No part of the hand or hoof may cross the table during the throw. If you sink, they drink. If you bounce one in, they must drink two cups, but they are able to swat the ball away if you choose this method." They nodded. It's not really a hard game to understand. Throw the ball into your opponents cup. First one out of cups loses. "Everyone clear on the rules?" They nodded. The ringing of my old bell echoed through the bar. "Let the games begin!"

The ladies were allowed first shot. Twilight lined up her throw. She had to have been doing calculations or something in her head. After what seemed like an eternity, she launched the ball out of her magic and straight into the first cup! Nothing but beer! She lit up like a bottle rocket.

"Applejack! Did you see that?" she gasped. I figured she wasn't one for competitive games, but it still feels good to score a point. "I did it! I made it in the cup!" She flung her forelegs around Applejack who quickly joined her.

"Great job, Twi!" she replied as the other team drank their cup.

"Yeah, yeah, take your other shot already," the griffon ('Brawndo', if the back of his jacket was telling the truth) snapped.

"Hold yer horses, we'll give ya your whippin' soon enough." Applejack took the ball between her teeth and tried to figure out how she was going to get it from 'A' to 'B'. With an awkward flick of her neck, the ball made it about halfway across the table. After some jeers from the other side of the table, Applejack looked shaken, but not beaten.

Brawndo and his buddy whispered to each other before turning back to the table to take their shots. Unexpectedly, they took their shots at the same time! Catching Twilight and Applejack off guard, they managed to bounce one into a cup, meaning both Twilight and Applejack had to drink, costing them their lead.

"Hey, that's not fair! They went at the same time!" Twilight complained. My hooves were tied.

"There's no rule saying you can't," I answered. "I have to allow it."

The grimace on Twilight's face as she was forced to drink an ever-warming beer was priceless, I gotta admit. Applejack ended up sinking the remaining cups after opting to use her tail to throw the ball instead of her mouth. Twilight seemed pretty content just making one.

"Alright, so you won one event, big deal!" Eight Ball sneered. "You won't win again."

"Next event, the long pour!" The rest of the patrons cheered, ordering even more rounds. I may have to make this an annual thing! Maybe call it... beerfestival?

Anyway, the long pour event was actually quite simple. One teammate stood on a ladder with a pitcher of beer, and attempted to pour it into the mouth of the teammate waiting beneath the ladder. The team who got the most beer in their partner and not on the floor won! Simple, huh?

This time it was Rarity and Rainbow Dash, with Rarity on the ladder. Believe me when I say Rainbow was a bit nervous about getting beer up her nose.

"Don't worry, Rainbow Dash. My magic is as steady as the gems I use to create my masterpieces." That didn't seem to help much. Unfortunately, the other team had the steadier hooves, and Rainbow ended up more than a little soaked.

"Okay, the score is one-to-one," I announced, searching the book for the next event. "The next challenge is; 'bits'!"

Bits is also a fairly simple game. Five shot glasses arranged in a cross. One player from each team must bounce the coin off the table and into the glass, where the opponent must then consume the liquor inside. This time, the big guy was chosen. Since this was the first event using hard liquor, I could understand. Mac flipped bits like birds sing in the trees! He must have had practice, because he only ended up drinking a shot he actually had to order. He shut the other guy down completely!

The next event was one of my favorites: Thumper. It involved the entire team on both sides, and the gameplay was simple. All you had to do was pound your hooves (or hands) on the table repeatedly while everypony went around the table and picked a gesture to represent them. All you had to do was perform your gesture and that of a player on the opposing team once it was your turn. However, you could not simply perform the gesture of the player who had gone before you, so it was imperative you remembered the other teams gestures, not just one or two players'.

On top of that, everypony had to keep their hooves pounding on the table throughout the entire game. Anypony caught slowing down or stopping was out. Last player standing won it for their team.

"Is everypony clear on the rules?" They nodded. "Then let Thumper begin!"

The rumbling of hooves on wooden tables drowned out any other noises in the bar. The ancient chant rumored to have been started by Princess Luna on the night of her and her sister's ascension to power began the game.

"What is the name of the game?" Pinks shouted.

"Thumper!" Nearly the entire bar yelled in response.

"And why do we play it?" she called again.

"To get bucked up!"

Unfortunately, the alcohol was beginning to wear on Pinks' team, and Eight Ball and his crew ended up winning that event, tying the contest. It was now down to the final tiebreaker event. I nodded to my waitresses, and they opened a large locked cabinet behind the bar. Behind the large wooden doors was a hammer and a glass case with twelve large glasses shaped like boots. Above the glass, a sign read: In case of tie drinking contest, break glass.

With a swing of the hammer, the boot-shaped glasses were freed, and a hush fell over the bar.

"Now, for the final, tie-breaking event... Das Boot!"

The rest of the bar erupted! Chants of 'Das Boot!' roared out into the street as even the local cops had stopped by to watch the show. This event also involved all team members. Each player was given a boot full of beer (about four pints worth). Once I signaled them to begin, the first team to finish all their beer without spilling a drop was the undisputed winner.

Each team gathered at the table opposite each other. Wisely, they'd chosen Mac as the last drinker, known as the anchor. Though Eight Ball's crew also set their largest member against him. Some match-ups were even, some skewed a bit, but I could tell this would be a close race.

"Is everypony ready?" Once again, a silent nod. "On your marks, get set... drink!"

Applejack started off strong, finishing her boot and twisting it expertly before the bubble hit at the heel. This gave Rainbow time to increase their lead, though not by much, as Eight Ball's crew caught up fast. After Rainbow Dash came Rarity. Needless to say, she didn't exactly take too well to chugging beer. Pinks' team lost their lead by the time Twilight managed to finish her beer and subsequently pass out beneath the table. Honestly, it was more than I expected of her, but she chugged that beer like a true champion! I'm assuming Princess Celestia would be proud.

It was down to Mac. He hadn't broken eye contact with his opponent the entire round, and both ponies began drinking at the same time, keeping their dead stare at each other throughout.

It was neck and neck; it was anypony's race as the beer began to vanish. In a matter of seconds, both glasses were empty, and both contestants held them upside-down to test for any drops left un-drank. They'd finished at nearly the same time, so I had no idea how I was going to call the winner, until I noticed a single drop leave the rim of Eight Ball's glass and splatter on the table. For a moment, there was nothing but stunned silence.

"Pinks' team wins!"

The whole bar cheered as Eight Ball and his crew shrank from the table. Pinks turned to them after celebrating with her extremely drunk team to collect her payment. "I think you guys owe my friend Frosty some bits!"

Although I should have seen it coming, Eight Ball wasn't exactly willing to hold up his end of the wager. "You set us up!" he barked. "We aren't paying you a single bit!"

I just smiled. "Rocco?" My bouncer appeared behind him and put his massive hooves on his shoulders. "Why don't you help Mr. Eight Ball here find his wallet?"

Rocco nodded. Needless to say, I got my money, and never saw that particular group again. Once the bar had returned to relative normalcy, Pinks had a seat in front of me.

"Sorry about all the trouble, I guess I should watch who I hustle for drinks, huh?"

"Maybe... just for future reference." I smiled, wiping my favorite glass.

"Yeah, this chapter has been pretty silly, huh?" I wasn't quite sure what she was talking about, but that wouldn't be the first time.

"Uh... I guess."

She stretched her legs at the bar and rubbed her eyes. "I think it's about time for Princess Luna's episode. Happy late St. Patrick's day everypony!"

Author's Notes:

So Pinkie commands it, so it shall be! If you're wondering why this took so long, it's because I suck at writing for Pinkie. Pinkie lovers, if you hated this chapter or are disappointed, kindly direct your hate somewhere else because I can't do any better. A super sized thanks to Razed, Cyne and q97randomguy! Princess Luna is up next!

Next Chapter: The Princess Estimated time remaining: 30 Minutes
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