Havoc

by Weeeman

First published 31st of October, 2012

A brony is sent to the Equestria as a draconequus minor. He will have to learn to control his unstable powers in order to survive in a hostile land where neither mortal nor gods will hesitate to kill him if it suits them.

My name is Havoc, or that's what I am called now. I used to be a human like you, but then a vengeful goddess turned me into a draconequus minor and sent me to Equestria. "What is a draconequus minor?" you might ask. Well, it's a mortal and weaker version of a real draconequus, like a pony to an alicorn, or a demigod to a god.

Most of my memories of my human life have faded away, even my own name. Equis, the world in which Equestria is only a nation, is not the peaceful utopia I expected. Ponies share this world with bloodthirsty beasts and evil creatures, and I am one of the worst now.

I can feel what's left of my sanity slipping away, so I am telling myself, and anyone who might listen out there, everything I can remember in hopes that doing so will hold back the madness.

[This story's setting is based on the Chess Game of the Gods universe, but it is non-canon so it won't follow the main storyline.

Thanks to Komodo23 for the awesome cover art and to Reaper1543 for proofreading this piece of garbage.]

0: Never Trust Anons

((AN: The main character uses past tense to tell the story, but sometimes he uses present to comment the events he describes or say something about his current state. Text in italic represents what he thought right there and then, not what he thinks while narrating.))

I͟ ͠h̸o͞pé ͠t̨h̷i͡s̡ i̸s͠ w̶or̛ki̛ņg. ̵W̡e̡ll,̛ ̡it̨’s͝ ͝n͞o͡t ̛li̸ke I҉ w͢il͜l͝ ͟ever k̢no̢w̵ un͡ļe͠ss ͝I brįn̸g ̨a̶ c͢o͟m̴p͡ųt́e͝r ́he͠r͝e.͘ I̢f yǫù a͜re ͢read̡ing̀ ̶th͝i͝s,̕ ̶yo̷u͡ are pr͘òb̷a͢b͞l͟y̸ ̡a̴ńot̸he̷r̕ b̕r͟o̕n͞y͟ ̕b͢rowsi͢n̨g̵ fi͢mfict͢io҉n͞ o̷r̵ ȩv͞en ̶E̕q̀ue̶st͠ri̸a ̀Da̸i͏l҉y, ͟ḿa̡y҉bè ͏aǹ ͜a̶ut̛h͠o͝r͢ ̀having ̷a͢ bu̴rs̸t҉ o̕f͟ ̷insp͜i͜r̶ąt̵i̸on̷, ̨I̡ ͞ha͠v҉e ̀ǹo ͡ide̶a. Ỳou ͘m҉u͏st ̨kn͝o͝w th͘a̴t ͘I ͞am̕ re͏aļ ҉and͘ ̴t͞h̶ìs ͟i͠s̶ n͠ǫt a͜no͏t̵he̸r st̵u̢pid sto̷r̢y. Wel͞l,̨ y͘o͝u͟ are̸n̨’t̨ ͝goi͢n͠g͝ ̢t͡o b́èli̸eve ͏m̢e, ͝so҉ ͏w̧hy ͝bother̢? ͝I̷ ̸wi̛l҉l̴ j͠ust̷ tell̴ ̕my st̡òry a̢nd ͢ho̶pe ͘i̛t͞ ̸do̧es ąny͜ go͏ơḑ. H͝m.͘.̶.̵ ̀I̢ think̡͘ I'm ̵dǫi̵n̸g ̷it wr̕o̴n͝g.

Yeah, this is more like it.

My memories of my human life have been slowly fading over time. I have forgotten my name, my family, my age, and even how I looked like. What I remember is that I was a brony reading fanfiction on google docs when that little chat on the top right corner started blinking. Curious, I opened it and found that another anon was reading the same story and was asking me about my opinions. We started a conversation which eventually made us forget about the story, and we learned a lot about each other. After a few weeks we started talking to each other on Skype about ponies. This anon was a thirty-something years old woman named Shay Nimrod, which struck me as odd (the age, the name would come later), but I wasn’t one to judge, being a twenty-something fan of My Little Pony myself. She also lived in the same town I did, something I thought was a really lucky coincidence.
One fateful day, she told me that a friend of hers had set up a brony meeting in our town, and she asked me to come, as I had told her that I didn’t know any other brony in person. I agreed to go to the meeting, a decision I would soon regret.

We met at the accorded place, and that’s when I started smelling something fishy. My fellow brony was still the same kind-of-attractive woman I had seen on the photos she shared with me, but her clothing was off. It was as if she had tried to make her clothes as mismatching as possible on purpose.
'OK, she’s a bit weird, that’s kind of expected when dealing with people from the Internet, right?'
I thought as she led me to a building. It was one of those big city buildings which have big and luxurious apartments hidden behind a bland outside. We reached a door and she knocked following an odd pattern. Weeeeird. A young man whose clothes clashed even more than Shay’s opened the door, and introduced himself as Codas Nines. Such a weird name made me think they were using aliases, but I gave it no importance. He guided us to a dark living room where at least ten other people were watching “Return to Harmony” on TV. Codas whispered to me that we would make the introductions after the episode ended.
We watched both episodes without pause. I felt rather awkward, sitting between two men I didn’t know and watching ponies. What if they start clopping or something? I think this wasn’t such a good idea. Near the end of the second episode, one of them asked me in a whisper: “Would you like to go to Equestria?”

“Yeah, why not?” I said, and suddenly I felt a sharp pain between my neck and my shoulder. I tried to get up but my muscles didn't obey my command. I was unconscious before my head hit the floor.

I woke up handcuffed to some kind of altar, surrounded by the other bronies in a strange room. They had apparently splashed all the sorts of paint they could find against the walls. The mix of colors increased the headache I already felt throbbing, sending waves of pain into my head. I had never been so scared before, and I tried to break free with no success.

Ohshitohshitohshitohshit this looks just like a satanic sacrifice ritual. I don’t want to die!!!

“What’s going on?!” I cried, struggling so hard against the handcuffs that I started bleeding.

Then I realized that they were chanting. It wasn’t a chorus in a dead language, or archaic English. In fact, each one sang with his own rhythm and lyrics. It was English, I think, but resembled more what you would hear if you took an old text to speech program, recorded what it said on a scratched CD, and then played it on the radio, only to be heard by someone with interferences. That is why I didn’t understand a single word of what they said. Shay came to me, wielding one of those daggers with a wavy blade, a kris dagger.

“Wait! Please I haven’t done anything, don’t kill me!!!” I screamed in desperation.

“M̵̡̛̻̬͓͔͔̫̼͍̙̻̫̹̭̫̯̿ͦͭ̊͂ͭͨ͛a͇̰̱̙̞̥̯̦̥͉̱̞̒ͤͯ̋̽͋̉ͪ̍̆̑̐̓̚͢͜k̸ͧ̓ͥͪ͆̇ͧͩ͑͑ͥ͆͏̭̳͓̗̘̜̠̳̩̜ͅe̪̲̞͐ͮ͑ͫ̎̊̿ͪ̀͐̐ͥ͊̐͌ͧ̋ͥ̕͢͝͠ ̛̀̌ͨͨ͐̄̇ͧͩ̈̚͏̢̨̠̠̭̘͖͔̘̠͉̼͎̘͝u̶͔̙̼̙͈̯͖͔̰̫̠̦̤͔͓̼̭̽͐͛̓̏̊̍̂̎̿ͬ̎̔͒̏̒̓̄́͘s͕̙͕̦̦̗͇̤̬̮̞͍͇̗̩ͣ̊̽̋̕͝͠ ̵̨̧̧̗̺̫̯͍͉͖̻̖̲͔̫͉̺̖̜̃ͪ̔̎ͨ̈̓̑ͩ̃̓ͧ̒͂̂͌̋̚͟w̿̏̄̋̐҉̣͙͎̮̩̳̩̕͟h̨̨̢̥̯̖̯̦̜ͫ̍͂ͪ̉ͭ̉͑͒ͦ͋̏͂͂̔͑̕̕o̢̾̈́̋͌͛̔͛͑͞͏͕̗̬͉͕̯̝̲̭̼ḷ̴̷͙̦̹ͬ͛̔̈́̉̃ͤ̏ͦͨ́͗̈́́e̛̱̪͍̤͙̫̼̮͚̣̙͚͎ͨ̎̍̽̈ͦ̔ͤ̍͋́ͣ̋̓̎͠ ̊͊̾ͦͫ͝͏͘҉̡͉̮̳̠̦͓̪̪͙̠͕̼̙̳̣̞a͙̮̫̬̯̫̰ͧͥͩ͛̐̇̍͐͛̚͢͡ģ̬̥̩̙̙̜̖̩͙̖̣ͣ̌ͩ̍̚͝a̷̷̙̣̠̥̰̱̳̻̹̣̬͛͗ͧ͆ͦ̃͆̒̄ͣ͂͒̈ͧ̊ͦî̈́̽̿ͧ̉̔ͦ̇̏ͫ̍̓̇̔́͏̶͙͙̠͕̞̖͇̦̪͔͞͡ͅn̴̵͙̤̤̠̞̹̪̜̩̮̫̖̓̔͋͛̄͌̌͒ͬ̀͡!̛̥̭̣̼̘͎̠͙̼̝͉͎͌̆ͪ̓̇ͯ̃ͥ̀̀̈͗ͅ” she screamed as she stabbed me with both hands. Her voice sounded wrong, like it didn't belong to her, like my ears weren't meant to listen to such sound, and it somehow made me feel as much pain as the dagger that pierced my body.

For those who have never experienced it: being stabbed in the heart hurts, and so does dying. I felt like being swallowed by a whirlpool of boiling water with floating rocks as my vision was clouded by darkness. I don’t know how much it lasted, like that time I rode a rollercoaster when I was a child and kept my eyes closed the entire time. I felt almost grateful when I was engulfed in darkness and lost my consciousness.

I woke up again, feeling nothing at first, not even my own heartbeats. A few seconds later my entire body started waking up. First my head, allowing me to open my eyelids and realize I was lying down on my stomach, then my neck and torso. After that my arms, legs, wings and tail. Wait, wings and tail? Of course, when I started feeling my own wings and tail I freaked out and turned my head to the left to have visual confirmation. That was a mistake, as my neck seemed to have grown ten times longer, so it made me drag my head across the dirt in a painful manner, but it allowed me to see my body. The first thing I saw was fur, lots of dark brown fur covering a strong torso. Then wings, a leathery brown wing and a feathered one. The leg I could see from my current position was a huge frog leg. A tail that was like the body of a rattlesnake, rattle included, was attached to the body. I was too shocked to think clearly, and when I tried to cover my eyes with my arm (hoping it was all a bad dream and I could close my eyes until I woke up) something like a tree branch hit me in the face. It was my left arm, which was some kind of wood-like appendage, which even had leaves and long thin branches that moved like fingers. To cap it all, everything was cartoonish, with a freaking OUTLINE.

Loading Brain\reason\understanding.exe
Executing...
...
...
A problem has been detected and your mind has been shutdown to prevent damage to your brain.

For a full minute I stood completely immobile, trying to understand what had happened to me. I remembered the false bronies, the weird ritual and the unbearable pain.

“Please don’t tell me I am in Equestria,” I muttered, then I did a double take as my voice had changed, too.

“Yo dawgs I herd you like cars so we put a car in yo car so you can drive while u drive,” I sounded like Sheogorath! This needs further testing. “I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to FIND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON,” I had even lost my accent! Now I have this ridiculously exaggerated mix of Scottish and Irish accent.

I managed to control my body and sit, confirming that the odd mix of body parts belonged to me. I took a good look at my body. I had the torso of a bear, or something similar, with a lot of brown fur. My left arm was... How to call it? Tree arm? Spriggan arm? Silvary arm? Ent arm? That will work. My right arm, I discovered, was that of a diamond dog. I didn’t know at first that it was indeed that of a diamond dog, as I just saw a strong and long arm that made me think about furries. My left leg still was a frog leg, while my right one was a cheetah leg. I wondered how I was supposed to walk with such mismatching extremities, or if I could even stand in a bipedal position. My rattlesnake tail was behind me, and I had to laugh when I managed to rattle it. Coming out from my back were my two wings, the right one looked like a brown dragon’s wing, while the left one was an owl’s.
The only thing left was my face. I had subconsciously refused to acknowledge the grayish muzzle I could glimpse when I looked down, but now I had to do it for my own sake. Moving my mismatched arms with care I felt my face. I noticed that my ent arm didn’t have sense of touch, so I used just my right arm. I noticed that I had horns, the left one was a bull’s horn, while the right one was something large and odd. After a few seconds I came to the conclusion that it was a moose’s horn. I touched my face, and it felt weird. I had a long muzzle, like a horse or a goat, but I had long and sharp teeth. What the fuck has happened to me?
I also found that I had no genitalia, but I still had anus (don’t ask how I found out). I guessed it was more like a bird’s cloaca, which serves to pee and poo at the same time or something like that. Bleugh.

At this point, I was convinced I was either dreaming or dead. The options I had in mind were that I was:

- Dead. Is this some sort of afterlife?
- Sleeping/unconscious on the altar and about to be sacrificed to some deity.
- Sleeping while the other bronies watch MLP.
- Suffering a coma in a hospital, like that guy in that HiE fanfic I read a long time ago.
- Tripping balls.
- Alive in Equestria as some sort of chimaera creature.

I decided to leave those musings for later and focus on the more immediate problems: learning what I could do with my new body and where I was. First I tried to stand on two legs, it didn’t work. I kept on losing balance, so bipedal position was discarded for the moment. Then I tried magic, but I had no idea how to do it, so I just wasted three minutes thinking very hard about rising a stone. Flying wasn’t viable, either, as my mismatched wings were unable to keep me floating, but I could propel myself a few meters upwards. Walking on my four extremities was an awkward activity, with running fast being totally out of my possibilities. More testing let me know the strength of each of my body parts. All of them were pretty logical, so I won’t lose time describing them. I'll make an exception for the ent arm, which is the oddest part of my body, as it's very strong but fast movements are impossible. It felt really weird, having a part of your body that reacted to your mental orders slower than the others. My senses were pretty much the same I had as a human, or maybe keener.

“Ugh, this body is not noobproof,” I told myself.

I decided that I could try to do magic later, as I had yet to take a good look at my surroundings. I was in some sort of plowed field, with no vegetable life to be seen and some big rocks around. I could see the sun rising on what I assumed was East, as well as a forest in the distance and a few buildings (a house and a silo, to be precise) next to it. There was nothing around that could give me sense of scale, so I didn’t know yet how big I was. I decided to go towards the small house and silo to solve that enigma.
I hadn’t taken more than ten steps towards it when I heard something behind me. I turned back and I saw a gray pony with a mane that screamed "emo" to me peeking from behind one of the rocks. I thought two things at the same time: ‘I really am in Equestria!’ and ‘is that one of Pinkie Pie’s sisters?’

“Uh...” I said in a display of my great social skills and capacity of improvisation, “good morning?”

She suddenly jumped towards me, wielding a freaking pitchfork!

“Begone, foul beast!” she shouted.

I would like to tell you how I outwitted her, or how I made her my friend, or how I defeated her without harming her. However, that was not what really happened.

“Careful there! That thing looks sharp!” I exclaimed, stepping backwards while she advanced towards me. Shit, she means business!

I heard hoofsteps behind me. When I turned back I found three more ponies, which were Pinkie’s unmistakable parents and other sister, wearing more pitchforks and torches.

“Don’t let it escape, Inkie!” shouted the father. SHIT! They really mean business! I have to get out of here!

I propelled myself as high as I could and I glided above Inkie, landing on all fours a few meters behind her like a fat and clumsy cat. Then I ran so slow it was pathetic. They were quickly crossing the distance and soon they would surround me again. I felt a sharp pain in my back, and I saw a pitchfork stuck to my body. Fortunately it was only a flesh wound.

“THAT HURT, FUCKING PONY!” I shouted as I pulled it out and threw it back to them. Great, I just gave them back a weapon so they can throw it again.

Why do I have this stupid, useless body? If I were a cheetah I could escape with no problem. I felt a surge of heat and a strange feeling coming from my right leg as I thought how badly I wanted to be a cheetah. Suddenly I WAS a cheetah, running faster than any other non-flying creature. I sprinted towards the nearest trees, hoping to lose them in the woods.
When I was sure they couldn’t see me thanks to the trees I wished I were a rattlesnake, hoping it would work. It did, so I stopped being a cheetah, and I became a rattlesnake. I could somehow move my new body with total ease, as if I had been born a snake, so I hid in a small hole below a rock. I heard the ponies running past my location, trying to find me. Ten minutes later I heard them again, this time walking back. Being a snake was interesting, what with the ability to taste/see with your tongue and all, but I decided to leave when I was the only one around.

I have been here for less than an hour and I have already been chased off by four ponies that weren't even half my size, I hate the universe. I pushed back such an embarrassing idea and I thought about being a draconequus again, which made me return to the original form. I found that the wound was still there, but I had not noticed it in my other two forms. So, can I transform into anything or what? My right leg turned me into a very small green frog. My torso turned me into a grizzly bear and my left wing into a white owl. I noticed I couldn’t talk when I asked “Who?” and tried to answer “your mum” to myself. Then my right wing turned me into a brown teen dragon, with wings and horns and all of that, which disappointed me because I hoped to become a huge fire breathing adult beast the size of a skyscraper. My horns turned me into a black moose and a dark blue bull, which was another disappointment as I was hoping to become a minotaur.

I decided to leave the tree arm for the last, so my right arm turned me into a diamond dog. I had been walking into the forest as I kept on morphing, so I almost fell into a timely placed river. I saw my own reflection, and I looked pretty much like a mix of gorilla and dog, with a blue tongue and gray fur. I turned back into my main form, and I felt the pain from the wound that had disappeared in all the others form come back. I confirmed what I already suspected: my face was very similar to Discord’s, the main differences were that I lacked his snaggletooth, my goatee and eyebrows were black and my eyes, for what I could see, were like a chimpanzee’s eyes, with a black sclera and amber irises, which looked orange under the sunlight. I added the chimpanzee to the potential list of animals I could become.

I finally became an ent. I was pretty much like those from “the Lord of the Rings”, but smaller. During all the transformations I had experienced great differences in my senses, like the keen sight of the owl, the snake’s taste, and the diamond dog’s smell and hearing. These new levels of perception were impossible to understand with a human mind, but somehow every time I became another creature I felt like I had always been that animal, so I wasn’t clumsy like in the draconequus form. The tree form was the most different, as I could “feel” and understand the chemical language the plants used to communicate with each other in a very primitive level.

I found a way to determine my stature while thinking about trees. I became a bull, as I knew how big they were, then I used my horns to scrap a tree, then I became a draconequus again and stood on two legs next to the marking. I was 2 meters tall or maybe less when standing, with a total length of 3 meters from nose to tail. I finally tried to do the same transformation spell with my head as the objective, but nothing happened. My eyes didn’t make me change, either.

Suddenly, I felt terribly exhausted and breathless. I didn’t know why, but I guessed that all those transformations had taken a toll. I felt worse by the seconds,until I was lying down and fighting against suffocation. What’s happening to me? I was just fine a few seconds ago! Am I dying? Why? A cold numbness took over my body and I knew no more.

1: Imma Hit Da Town

I slowly became conscious again, as if I had woken up from a very deep slumber. I found myself floating in some kind of dark space. I couldn’t move, or even feel, my body, so I just waited. It got boring pretty soon, but I was too confused to try anything. Another draconequus was in front of me. I don’t know when he or she (I saw big eyelashes, so she) appeared, it was as if she had always been there and I had just recently noticed her. I am unable to describe her body, as her body parts kept on changing with no pattern at all.

“Y͇͕̓̀̅ͬͣ̀o̷̹͔͌̾͌̂̌͡u͋̏ͦ̽ͪͭͦ͏͏̺̞̳̠ ̷̷͚̱̪͚͋̈h̢̩̣̩̦̼̳̏͑̀ͧ͆̅̏͒a̧̟̼͕͇̱̝̦̋ͨ͌ͨͤ͆͌̽ͅͅv̧̢̜̗͒̋̐͑ͤ̕ͅẹ̛̩͓̝̼̭̜ͧ̆̔̏̀ͭ͜͜ ̤̳̩̟͆̽̑̐̎̃͜ͅa̛͚̦̼̩̭͂ļ̱̲̫̬̽͌͐̏̄r͕͉͈͌̌ͨ̐ḙ̛̻̈̑̆a̞̥̳̪̐̈́̀ͪ̽̓ͩ̐͘d̴̩̱̠̞̮̙͗̔͐̄̋y̷͔͌̓͠ ̶̪̠̩̜̬͍̙͐̔͂̌͂̽̀͘k̸͔̩͎ͪ̑̀̅ͤͫ͢ī̵͙̫̑̎̇́͞ļ̏ͣͫ̏̕͏͓̟̪ḽ̨̘̺̆̏eͤ̓̿̿̂̔͗̂̕͏̪͈͇̰d̫̱̻̬ͧͣ̍ͦ ̷̪̙͍̼̜̗̗̩ͩ̔ͫ̽́̌̾͌ͮ͘y̨͔̓̈ͧͭ̑̔̈̀o̷̱͕̗͒ͯͨ͆͡u̶̼͙̒r͍͎̟̤͖̃ͬ͗͆̅̋̊s̷͙͇͈͖̗̱̝̣̈̏ͧ̆̀́ȩ̡̻̏̒ͪ͂̾̚ļ̣͔̜̩̤̭͉͙ͫ̀f͖̖̯̬̪͚͌̌̀̕,̵̗̙͚̀ͥ͛̑̎̽ ̢͙̼̺͓̜͌͐̒̑ͫḃ̶̷͍͓͚̥͌́̓͋̐͒e͐͐҉̯̭͚̟̼͇̲̥͎́͞ ͎̳͇̤̐̀̐ͫ̾ͬ̒͡m͒ͯ̈́̒̐̔̌ͪ̊͏̳̪̟͖̬͟o͈̱̮̰̒͆ͬř̥͓̞̍͗̀͗̓̎̃e̳̖͎̼̣̼̓̒̾̉ ̫̂̍͗̊ͮ͒č̡̛̭̠͓̝̙͈̰a̩̲̗̼͙̪̺ͬ̕r̢̧͇̠̰̒͆͗ͥ̾̏e̪̭͈̰̫̼̩ͥ͗̽͜ͅf̸̜͔̝̲͕͇̜̱͐ͨ̈̈́͊̓ͪ̐u̫͆ͧͥ͘͠ľ̵͚͕̜͍̬̤ͮͤͣ̽̒͐̔ ̨̼̦͈͈͔̈́͜ͅṅ͍̺̦̗̠̣̫̘̓͘͟e͎̼̤̭̓ͪͅx̒͋̀̽҉̼̪̥̬͎̤̱t̸͈͖̹͔ͧ̈́͆̚ ̷̖͇̪͓̥̣̳ͯ̀͒t̜̜̹̭̞̥̙̪ͫ̆ͭ̒ͣͩͤ͟͜i͇͉̰͖̊̌ͨ̏m̛̪̗̱͉͈̭̬̀ͪ̀ͯ̊̂̿͜͡e̴̴̼̼̬ͫ̏ͧ̾̃̾ͦ̆ͅ.̭ͫͣ”

“What? I don’t understand you,” I managed to say, overcoming my fear.

She snapped her fingers and became Shay Nimrod.

“Yo̷u ha̵ve̴ ͘a̶l҉r̶e͞a͠dy̴ kil̕l͟ed͢ yourse̶lf, be͞ m̶o̵re c̢ar̨e͜fu͠l̀ ͜ne̴x̴t t͠im̀e, idiot.”

“Killed myself? What are you talking about?! What’s going on?!” I asked, even more scared than before.

“Y͜o̢u̧ ҉a҉re ̴mine̸ to ̕t̴oy ͟w͡ith͏,̨ ̷y̴ou ͟will͝ ͢d͠o͝ ͏my͠ bi̶dḑi̕n̵g̶ wit̶h or ẁith͠òu͏t҉ y͘our ͏c̀onsen̛t͞. ̧Bu͠t i̢f yo̸u di͡e̕ ͟aǵai҉n,͟ yo҉u̕ ͝w͟il͡l ̢lęa̸rn th̡e ́m̸ean̶įng ͠o͟f ͟s̨uf͞fe̴r̕in͝g. GOT IT?!” she was VERY scary.

“Alright, alright! I will be more careful next time! But how am I supposed to do anything with a body I don’t understand,” I asked with desperation, forgetting that she hadn’t answered my questions.

She grumbled with an inhumane voice and placed her right index finger in my forehead. I felt the worst imaginable pain for the fraction of a second she was touching me. I don't know how to describe it. It was like her finger was a red hot iron that managed to burn all of my nerves at the same time, or like being eaten alive by a miriad of rats. The pain disappeared as soon as she pulled her finger back.

“Do you know how hard it was to send you to Equestria?!” she shouted, this time I could understand her without problems, “I am not Discord, I can’t just kick you into another universe after chatting over a coffee and continue with my day!” She breathed and continued talking without shouting, “I have placed a curse on you that won’t let you perform a magical feat that will kill you. You won’t find a way back to Earth, so I suggest you to enjoy your new Equestrian life. Now go back there and do NOT die again!”

She vanished before I could say anything and I felt like I was in the fastest merry-go-round in the world. I closed my eyes until I stopped spinning, and when I opened them I was in the same forest again.

I was hit by a mix of emotions that had the combined force of a tornado. I was afraid of the divine beings that had sent me and apparently were watching my every move, I was confused because the rational part of my mind couldn’t believe what was happening to me, I also felt anger against myself and the universe for my situation, as well as desperation because everything was real and not just a bad dream. That’s why I did what every rational man would have done in my situation: I curled into a ball and started crying. This same morning I woke up at home and played Skyrim, for fuck’s sake! I cried until I could overcome my emotions and control myself.

I saw something blue just above my head when I opened my eyes and cleared them from the tears (which apparently were lethal for the grass in which they fell). I looked up, but it moved with my eyes, always in the top of my field vision. After a few moments turning my head and rolling in the ground I realized that it was a blue bar, like the ones that tell you how much magic you have left in video games.

“She gave me a freaking mana bar,” I thought aloud, “now, how do I magic?” The idea of having Discord’s powers was so appealing that it stopped me from going back to self-pity and sadness.

After a series of unsuccessful, frustrating, and embarrassing tentatives that I will not describe, I learned how to do magic. I had to focus on my head, as I did with the rest of my body for the transformations. Then I only had to will something and it would happen. I tried levitating fallen leaves, which didn’t affect my magic reserves enough to be noticeable, then I created a glass of chocolate milk, which was a bit more taxing. I tried to focus my magic on a hand, like Discord had done in the show. My ent arm glowed with a faint golden light, and when I moved a rock I noticed how my grip was firmer and stronger than before. I stopped at that, as I didn’t how to refill my magic reserves yet. Next, I tried to turn into a human, but my mana bar turned red and nothing happened. I guess that means I have not enough power to do it, right?

I became an owl, noticing how the bar had already lost a tenth of its length. I flew out of the forest, as I had decided that I should got to the nearest town and try to find where I was. I expected the experience of flying to be more amazing and exciting, but I felt as if I had been flying since I was a child, killing the excitement I would have felt otherwise. I noticed that the sun was already setting, so I had been “dead” for many hours. I could see a small road and an earth pony walking on it two kilometers away thanks to the acute sight of my owl body. I flew towards him, planning how to meet him without causing him to panic.

I landed three hundred meters ahead of the pony and turned into a bull where he couldn’t see me, intending to act as a lost traveller. I discovered that I couldn’t do magic while being a bull when I tried to materialize saddlebags to improve my alibi. I was feeling hungry, so I decided to try grazing while the pony arrived. Om nom nom nom nom, grazing is the best thing ever! I found that the grass tasted good, and on top of that eating like that was a relaxing activity. I was ruminating when the pony saw me. I looked up, as if I had just heard his hoofsteps.

“You there!” I said after swallowing the half-digested grass.

“Me?” he asked.

“Yes, you, what’s your name?” I said, trying to sound friendly as I could see that I scared him.

“My name is Salted Chips, sir,” what kind of asshole names his son Salted Chips?

“Chips, do you know where the closest town is? I am travelling through Equestria and I am a bit lost,” he seemed to calm down when I explained my situation.

“I am headed to Fillydelphia, it’s just behind that hill,” he pointed to the horizon with a foreleg, “other than that, these lands have many farms.”

“I’ve been sleeping in barns for two weeks, so Fillydelphia it is. Mind if I accompany you?”

“I sure won’t mind, mister...”

“Havoc,” I answered without thinking. Wait, that’s not my real name! I am... Er... Oh shit I HAVE FORGOTTEN MY NAME!!! What kind of sorcery is this?! I frowned, unable to understand why my real name had been replaced by Havoc in my mind and trying to remember it.

“Are you alright?” the pony asked, worried by my sudden silence.

“Eh... Yes... I... My dinner has passed to my second stomach, I always get distracted when that happens. Don’t worry,” my explanation surprised me. I would have never come up with such an excuse in a normal situation.

He shrugged and I joined him. He was a medium-sized stallion, which looked like a foal next to me. I didn’t know if he was young or old, as his face didn’t give me any hint. He had a brown coat and a black mane, and his cutie mark was a potato. He was pulling a cart full of bags so I offered myself to pull it for him to earn his trust. He was thankful for it and my stronger body wasn’t slowed at all by the extra weight.

“So... You are a farmer?” I asked, trying to start a conversation.

“Yep, I work at my family’s farm.”

I decided not to pry on why he was carrying a loaded cart to the city in the evening.

“There’s not much to tell about myself,” he continued, “unless you want me to go into the details of growing potatoes. I would rather listen to your story, it’s not everyday that you find a bull in Equestria.”

I knew I had no idea about how uncommon bulls were in Equestria, as the only mention to bovines in the show was that stampede which Applejack stopped, so I hoped he didn’t know much more.

“I don’t have much to tell, either,” I began, trying to make up a convincing story, “I was the youngest male in my herd, so my chances of leading my own herd were next to none. I decided to leave my homeland and travel around Equestria, as I know there are many of my race living here. I want to learn more about your land and about myself.”

“That’s nice, I guess,” he said after a few seconds.

“My other reason to visit this land is that Equestrian cows have the best shaped flanks,” I sultry added, making him laugh.

I decided to let him do the talking before I made a mistake that would make him suspect. He talked about his family, his job, and why he wanted to arrive at Fillydelphia with his salted chips when the sun was already down. Apparently, it was the only way to have a decent spot in the town’s Friday market to sell his goods. The awkwardness of being a bull talking to a pony soon disappeared and I found myself enjoying his company. It was a nice change after being stabbed, thrown to another universe, almost killed by farmers, killed by myself and resurrected and threatened by the same creature that got me in this mess. It almost made me forget that I was lost in an unknown universe/dimension/thing and that I didn’t even remember my real name.

We arrived at Fillydelphia when the Moon was high in the sky. It was like Ponyville in the show, only bigger. I followed Salted Chips to the marketplace, where a few other ponies had already put up their stalls and were sleeping behind the counters. He freed me from the cart and proceeded to set up his own stall. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to help him without hands, but I found I was somehow able to manipulate things with my cloven hooves. It didn’t make any sense, but it worked so I didn’t question it. I had already learned that the less I thought about how things worked with my body (or bodies), the better.
I remembered I had no money, so my chances of sleeping under a roof were slim. I shared my concerns with Salted.

“No problem,” he said, “you helped me with the cart, so the least I can do is letting you sleep here with me.”

We were a little bit crowded in the small between the counter and his sacks of chips, but we were covered by the stall’s canopy and warm, so I didn’t complain. In fact, I was grateful. This might not be so bad, after all, I could end up preferring this over my previous life.

“Wake up!” someone said.

“Five minutes more...” I replied out of instinct.

“I can’t sell anything if you are sleeping in the middle, get up Havoc.”

“Huh?” Then it clicked. I don’t know how I managed not to scream and jump when I realized that I was still in Equestria and everything that had happened to me the day before was real. “Oh, sorry Salted.”

“I will be here the whole day selling my chips,” he explained as I left the stall, “what are you going to do?”

“Hm... I will go to the town’s library. I don’t know where to go next, maybe I will find inspiration in a book.”

“Alright. If you don’t find anything, I know a few farmers around who would like to have a strong bull watching over the cows.”

“I’ll consider it. Thank you for everything, I owe you one.”

“You owe me nothing, you carried my cart here, so we are even,”

He told me where to find the library and we said our goodbyes. I found the building soon enough, even if it looked just like the houses around. I assumed the librarian lived inside, like Twilight in Ponyville, so I knocked on the door and a male voice told me to come in. I opened the door and started walking, only to be stopped by the doorframe, which was too narrow for my horns. After a few tries, I managed to get inside without breaking anything. I had not noticed an old unicorn stallion looking at me from inside while trying not to laugh.

“Welcome to-” he paused and covered his mouth with his hoof, after a few seconds he tried again, “welcome to Fillydel-,” he paused again, having a hard time containing his laugher.

“Yeah, I know it was funny, knock yourself out,” when I said that he started guffawing and didn’t stop in a full minute.

“I’m sorry, but not many funny things happen in here and that was hilarious,” he finally said, “welcome to Fillydelphia’s library, I am Obscure Scroll, the librarian, may I help you?”

He was white coated with a balding brown mane and his cutie mark a black scroll. Obscure Scroll? He hope he isn’t a Cthulhu cultist or something like that.

“I am Strong Will, nice to meet you. I am travelling around Equestria and I would like to check a map,” I had never been a good liar back home, but since I became a draconequus my improvisation skills had improved somehow.

“Well, I have all sorts of maps: pocket maps, road maps, ancient maps, huge and detailed maps...”

“I think a road map will be the best for me.”

“Local or national?”

“National.”

“I’ll find them for you, sit here and relax,” he pointed towards a small chair which would surely be crushed under my weight.

“On a second thought, please sit down in the floor, I have nothing for somepony like you to sit on," he added when I looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

He left me alone in the main room for a few seconds before returning with the map. He opened it on a table. Equestria occupied most of it (obviously), with the names of the bordering nations in the... borders. Fillydelphia was in the East, with Canterlot and Ponyville in the centre. The only big city between Canterlot and Fillydelphia was Stalliongrad. I didn’t pay attention to the rest of the cities, as I had decided to visit Ponyville. I really, really wanted to see the mane six, after all.

“Do you have newspapers here?” I asked when I was sure (more or less) that I could find my way to Ponyville.

“I only have old numbers back in the archive. I guess you want today’s newspaper.”

“You are right. Can I check out books and return them in another town?”

“I’m sorry, but that is not possible.”

“One last thing,” I said, knowing I could get in trouble with my next question, “when was the Royal Wedding?”

“It was three months ago, why?”

“Well, it seems that you ponies are always being attacked by strange creatures, what with that dracothing and the changelings. I would like to know more about those monsters, just in case I have an encounter with one of them in my travels.”

“Well, there is a lot of information about Discord which has resurfaced in many libraries and personal collections since his reappearance, most of it written shortly after his first defeat. This library has a few of those books. But he’s the only one of his kind, so you don’t have to worry about that. However, changelings are still a mystery for us, and I don’t know if the few information I have about them is reliable.”

“Let’s see what you’ve got, about both of them.”

I spent most of the day reading in the library. I learned a lot about Discord’s past and specially his powers, which for all I knew could be my powers now. I wasn’t really interested in changelings, but I wanted to know if my transformations were similar to theirs. The books didn’t give me enough information to sort that out, and they contradicted each other. Darwhinny’s book classified them as ant-like insects, while Aberdeer’s bestiary stated that they were distant evolutionary cousins of ponies. It was really frustrating, and it was late in the afternoon AND I hadn’t even had breakfast, so I decided I should leave the library to eat something.

“I’m quite done here, goodbye mister Scrolls, and thank you for your help.”

“...Could you help me with something?” he asked when I was already at the door, “it will be only a minute.”

“What is it?”

“You have a very intriguing pair of eyes. Would you mind if I take a photo of your face and send it to the local university?”

Eyes? What’s wrong with my eyes?

“I’m used to ponies and cows alike looking at me funny because of them, so go ahead,” I replied, a bit worried. What if it is something that allows them to know I am not a real bull?

He took the photo with an instant camera. He showed it to me: I still had chimpanzee eyes. Crap, I need to find a way to change my eyes or I may have problems later.

“Thanks, mister Strong.”

“You’re welcome,” I replied, leaving.

I was about to exit the building, pondering on what I should do next, when something collided hard against me. I didn’t expect it, and the surprise somehow broke my transformation, turning me back into a draconequus. The pegasus mare who had collided with me and was now sitting on my lap looked at me with her mouth agape.

“... I can explain?” I said, hoping it would work.

She inhaled to scream, but I put my right hand over her mouth, while grabbing her with my ent arm. Shit. I heard a high-pitched, feminine scream of panic behind me. SHIT. I turned, expecting another mare, but I only saw Obscure Scroll screaming like a girl. Lol, no wait, this is serious. Shit, I have to leave before the police, or whatever these ponies have, come here and capture me! I violently threw the mare to the stallion, knocking him over. Then I left the building, turning back momentarily to make the photo burn with a burst of magic, and I became an owl to leave the town as soon as possible. A few bystanders saw everything, and a pegasus stallion took off and started chasing me. He was faster than me, and I wouldn’t be able to beat him as an owl, so I waited until he was about to grab me with his hooves and I turned into a dragon. I grabbed him with a claw and punched him in his surprised face, knocking him down, then I flew down until I could safely drop him on the ground. After flying for a few seconds more pegasi, this time wearing police caps, surrounded me.

“Stop right there, abomination!” one of them ordered.

“Alright, alright! Let’s act like civilized ponies,” I replied as I landed, “I’m sure we can-”

“Now!” the same pegasus shouted.

I was enveloped in a multi colored aura which forced me to lay on all fours. Three police unicorns were pointing at me with their glowing horns, immobilizing my limbs.

“That was uncalled for!” I shouted.

“He’s resisting arrest!” one of the unicorns shouted, then I felt a burning pain and all my muscles contracted. That fucker is electrocuting me! Now THIS is police brutality.

“Good work, now we can return this monster to Tartarus,” a voice behind me said when the unicorn stopped his attack.

It was then that something in my mind snapped. I started getting angrier by the seconds, I had never felt such a strong hate, it was almost intoxicating. I went from scared to totally berserk in the lapse of ten seconds. The rational part of my mind said goodbye and something darker, twisted and chaotic took over.

“Kill your mother and rape your dog!!!” I shouted, and I breathed fire towards the unicorn in front of me, forcing him to cancel his spell and avoid the flames. I changed into bear and broke the magical grip of the remaining unicorns with my improved strength. I ran past the policeponies, mauling a pegasus who got in the way with a claw, and entered a small alley. Had I not been in a rage-driven bloodlust, I would have turned into a frog before they could see me and jump into the sewers.

But I WAS in a rage-driven bloodlust so I morphed into draconequus and turned back, facing the three unicorns from before and ten pegasi. I don’t know how long I fought. My memories of the fight are like a dream which you can’t barely remember when you wake up. I remember breaking a pony’s neck with my ent arm, throwing pies filled with sulfuric acid at their faces. I also remember being hit by a blunt and heavy object in the head, as that hit snapped me out of my frenzy. I dropped the dead pony I had been using as a weapon and looked up. A pegasus was holding with his mouth a huge frying pan which had the shape of my head. I was bleeding from many superficial wounds and I also had singed fur. There were a lot of ponies around me now, and they noticed that I had lost my focus, so they all charged at the same time. I instinctively used my magic to create an energy wave that threw most of them backwards, then I created a flash of light just before resorting to my original plan: turn into a frog and hide in the sewers.

Following the currents of fecal water to the part of the river where all of the pony poop from the town ended was a very nauseating experience that I will not recount. The worst part was that I had to swim for a while, and I will leave it at that...

...So much pony shit...

I didn’t find any kind of sewage treatment plant, so I decided never to drink water from a river unless I had no choice. I left the river and changed into diamond dog, one of the forms I hadn’t used to fight the ponies. I was the only living thing around, probably due to the terrible smell, which was almost painful for my sensitive nose.

Okay, let’s think things through. What the fuck did just happen to me back there?! I have never gone berserk like that! Oh my- How many ponies have I killed?! Shitshitshitshitshitshit now Celestia will kill me or turn me into stone the moment I appear before her instead of helping me to return to Earth! I... I have killed ponies! I have MURDERED them and I have ENJOYED it!

I will not lie: I cried my eyes out again. I had been in Equestria for less than 48 hours and I had already killed ponies and probably became an enemy of the nation. I just wanted to meet the ponies from the show, maybe have a little fun and then find a way to return to Earth, it wasn’t that much to ask, was it?

I finally managed to calm myself and tried to analyze my situation. I took a look at my mana bar and found, to my surprise, that it was bigger than when I arrived at Fillydelphia.

First: How did I manage to do all those transformations and fighting and end up with more energy? ...I am a draconequus, so I am a spirit of chaos and disharmony, right? Could it be that whenever I am around ponies I gain energy? Or maybe it’s the chaos? Could it be because I killed them? I need to do more testing. Except for the killing, I will never kill a pony again.
Second: Why did I go bananas? What was the trigger? Is there a way to avoid it? Why didn’t it happen when the Pie’s attacked me?
Third: How do the transformations work? Do I have to feed all of them? Can I survive just by feeding one body? What does a draconequus eat? Do injuries in a body heal over time while I have another body? Do I waste magic over time when I’m not a draconequus? Why did I stop being a bull when I was surprised, but not when I fell asleep?

I had too many questions, and I had to find an answer to most of them before even trying to enter another town. I knew I had to travel West if I wanted to arrive at Ponyville, but I decided to avoid the road and walk by the forest. That way I would be able to master my draconequus body and magic without the risks of being sighted by ponies. I will just spend a few days in the forest, then I will go back to civilization.

2: Gorgeous Plots

Two months. I spent two freaking months alone in the woods. That’s a lot of time spent alone, especially when you are in such an unusual situation. During that time I had freaked out twice because I couldn’t believe what was happening to me, but I finally came to terms with my situation. I had decided that going all angsty and emo over my situation wouldn’t help, so I stopped complaining and whining and decided to just go with the flow and enjoy it. I had to cross the Pie family’s rock farm again, as I had been travelling away from Ponyville when I went to Fillydelphia, but I managed to avoid being seen by anypony. I wasted a lot of time surrounding farms, until I realized I could just fly over them as owl.

I left the normal forest and entered the Everfree Forest at some point during the fifth week, and soon I was surrounded by creepy trees and dangerous creatures. I ended up hating all of them, but at least I learned a lot about my condition. I learned that I gained energy whenever something chaotic happened to a living being. Due to that, doing magical feats that were essentially chaotic was almost cost-free. As a rule of thumb: if something unexpected, physically impossible or disharmonic happened to a living being, I gained energy. The amount of energy depended on my physical proximity, my involvement and how much chaos was involved. The Everfree Forest, being a land untamed by ponies, gave me a small but constant flux of energy, which was rather nice. Even so, trolling the animals gave me much less energy than what I did at Fillydelphia.

I also discovered that the chances of going berserk increased whenever I was forced to act harmonically for too long. I tried to do nothing chaotic and, after three days, I snapped just because I had to stay still for a few minutes because I thought I had heard hoofsteps. Fortunately, I was mistaken, or I might have killed a pony again. Being “not chaotic” also made me feel severe withdrawal symptoms, but I suspected that chaos was something my body really needed, like breathing and sleeping, so I decided not to consider it an addiction. I also found impossible to focus my mind and think rationally when I restrained myself from doing chaos, as I couldn’t stop thinking about doing it.

I learned that transformations didn’t waste energy per sé, but I couldn’t do strong magic when I wasn’t a draconequus, just some really weak spells like moving light objects. I didn’t need to eat, as I could feed myself with my energy, directly or materializing food. However, eating reduces the amount of energy I spend, so I usually slept during the day in my tree form to feed via photosynthesis. Whenever I left a form time stopped for it so any injury would remain as it was until I went back to that form and waited for it to heal. They were, for all intents, completely independent bodies. Also, the transformations were cancelled if I was startled.

I also finally got used to my main form, to seeing my muzzle when I looked down and to the mana bar. The latter was really useful, as it would show me how much a spell would cost if I thought about performing one but I didn’t willed it to happen. When I say “will it to happen”, I mean that the part of my mind that wasn’t there when I was human and controlled the magic took part in the thought process so I would really do magic. That meant I could do almost anything without learning spells or memorizing formulas, like healing myself (but not others, for some reason), teleporting or creating illusions.

Last, I learned that my magic wasn’t only meant to create chaotic and random things, like explosive pies or flying pigs. I could also perform mental manipulation. I had found that I could do the Discord’s discording trick, which made my target change his behaviour and become grayish. I could also “enter” the mind of my victims and do a lot of manipulation. It wasn’t real hypnosis, as I couldn’t force them to do whatever I wanted, and I couldn’t read their memories either, but I could make them perceive whatever I wanted and manipulate their current thoughts. For example: I made a bunny believe a rock was a carrot, and it broke its teeth trying to eat it. It kept on gnawing on it, as I made it unable to feel pain, until it fainted due to blood loss. Then I ate the bunny.

I could go on, but I don’t feel like telling the few interesting things that happened to me over those two months The general idea is that I spent sixty days walking and doing terrible things to any animal who had the bad luck of entering my field of vision (all in the name of science, of course), and eating the weirdest things, as my draconequus form can eat anything my other forms do, including gems and some rocks (which taste like sweet and salty, respectively).

Also, manticores are stronger than bears and teen dragons, and resilient to mind magic, so I had a hard time when one attacked me. When I say “I had a hard time”, I mean that I only survived because I had a lot of magic reserves, so I could go pew pew on the monster until it fled.

I had decided I was ready to try social interaction again, and I hoped the ponies would have forgotten about me, so that night I changed into owl and flew out of the forest (“I was ready to try social interaction again”?, that sounds SO autistic). I flew as high as I could and looked around. The Everfree was huge, but I could glimpse the end of it by looking southwest. I changed into dragon for extra speed and protection against possible predators and flew in that direction.

I was soon flying over a small prairie, but dragon’s had a worse night vision than I expected, so I went back to owl. I would have smiled if my beak could do such thing, as I could see an apple orchard relatively close, which led to some buildings too far away to recognize them, even for an owl. I flew towards the buildings without changing form to avoid drawing attention to me. Please let it be Sweet Apple Acres, please let it be Sweet Apple Acres, please let it be Sweet Apple Acres, please let it be Sweet Apple Acres. That was pretty much my train of thought until I was close enough. FUCK YEAH! IT IS SWEET APPLE ACRES! Ponyville here I go!

My original plan was to arrive at Ponyville, find the mane six, ask Twilight to ask Celestia if there was a way for me to go back to Earth, then wait for an answer. However, I doubted they would let me leave unpunished after the Fillydelphia incident, so my new plan was to meet the mane six to satiate my brony needs, then try to learn more about Equestria. I thought I may be lucky enough to find a way to return home by myself.

The first thing I did when I reached the farm was to take a peek inside the house. I almost made the owl equivalent of an hysteric girl shriek when I saw Applejack sleeping in the bed of her room, but I managed to restrain myself. I watched through all the windows in a totally non-creepy (well, maybe slightly creepy) way, until I had seen the four Apples. Then, I decided I should sleep the rest of the night so I wouldn’t be tired the next day. I landed on a tree branch, changed into rattlesnake because I couldn’t resist the temptation of making a biblical reference (even if only I would ever know I did it) and fell asleep.

And I said unto the mare, Yea, hath Faust said, Ye shall not eat of any tree of the garden?
And the mare said unto me, Of the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat:
but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, Faust hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
And I said unto the mare, Ye shall not surely die: for Faust doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as Faust, knowing good and evil.
And when the mare saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat; and she gave also unto her stallion with her, and he did eat.
And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig-leaves together, and made themselves aprons.
And they heard the voice of Faust walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and the stallion and his mare hid themselves from the presence of Faust amongst the trees of the garden.
And Faust called unto the stallion, and said unto him, Where art thou?
And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
And she said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
And the stallion said, The mare whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.
And Faust said unto the mare, What is this thou hast done? And the mare said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
And Faust said unto me, Because thou hast done this, cursed art thou above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life: and I will put enmity between thee and the mare, and between thy seed and her seed: he shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.

I woke up hyperventilating, rattling and hissing out of instinct. It took me a whole minute to regain my composure, as the dream had been really vivid. I had felt the power of God-Faust cursing me for eternity, and I still felt at unease. I felt like the universe had just told me “so, you think it’s funny to be the serpent in the apple tree? Well, think again, faggot.” Well, fuck you too, universe.

I got that idea out of my head and paid attention to my surroundings. It was early in the morning, I estimated that the sun had been shining for less than an hour. I could taste/smell a pony nearby with my tongue, and using my sense of hearing (I suddenly knew that snakes hear with their jaw, by feeling the sound transmitted as ground vibrations) I determined the pony’s position, pace and weight. (I try not to think too much into those things, as my draconequus/human/whatever mind is ill suited to deal with that kind of sensory information, so trying to remember things I experienced with other forms tends to give me headaches.)

I feared that my bull and dragon form would be recognized. My only options to have a conversation with ponies were moose and diamond dog. I chose diamond dog, as the only moose I had ever seen in the show was a chocolate sculpture. Let’s try diamond dog, the worst case scenario will be that the pony will try to give me a beating, so I will just escape and try again as a moose.
I slithered to the base of the tree, looked around to make sure nothing could see me, and changed form. I had learned how to do it without being a draconequus for a short time, but it consumed more magic. Alright, what’s my alibi? I am... I am a diamond dog named... Garrosh, (will my Raid Leader be mad because I suddenly stopped playing?) and I... have been banished by my pack because... Because I freed some pony slaves and the others found out. Yeah, that will work. Oh! Now I remember, I used to play World of Warcraft when I was a human! This shitty idea of storytelling is working!

I walked towards the sound of hoofsteps, and soon I saw Big Freaking Macintosh pulling... some kind of farm machinery fifteen meters away from me. He hadn’t noticed me yet. Diamond dogs talked like Gollum, right?

“You there! Big pony!” I said, and he turned his head towards me. He started frowning as soon as he saw me, but he didn’t look like he was going to attack... yet.

“I mean no harm to pony!” I said, slowly closing the distance, “I be Garrosh. I friend to ponies. You friend to Garrosh?”

His frown became deeper for a moment, and suddenly it disappeared, “eeyup” he simply said. I could feel my ears unfolding as I calmed down.

“I banished from pack. I travel alone. Lost in forest. Forest dangerous. I need place to rest. Ponies help me, I help ponies. You help me?”

“Eeyup,” he said after considering it for a few moments.

“What is name of big red pony?”

“My name is Macintosh, Big Macintosh,” I could almost hear James Bond’s theme when he said that.

“You really big for pony!” I said, nodding, “I thank Macintosh for help Garrosh.”

He moved his hoof to signal me to wait and he took air.

“APPLEJACK!!!” he shouted with the power of a thousand suns, causing all the apples from the nearest trees to fall.

I was dazed for a few seconds, my sensitive ears overflowing me with pain. I cocked my head to one side when I recovered. What is he planning?

“Ah am too busy to help ya, mah sister will take care of ya,” I nodded in agreement.

I heard Applejack galloping toward us a minute before she arrived. Fuck yeah I’m going to meet Applejack, I hope I don’t mess everything up.

“What in tarnation?!” she exclaimed when she saw me, “brother, why is there a diamond dog in the orchard?!”

“He will tell ya, Ah am busy now,” the stallion said as he continued doing... Whatever he had been doing before I arrived.

Applejack stared at me, she was clearly ready to buck me into next week if I said anything that rubbed her wrong.

“Hello, orange pony!” I said with a shy smile that probably looked more like an aggressive display of my sharp teeth, “I be Garrosh. I travel a lot. I lost in dark forest. Very dangerous. Creatures more strong than Garrosh. I need place to rest. Ponies help me, I help pony. Big pony say you help me,” I tried to give her the puppy eyes.

“Well, Ah reckon the Everfree is mighty dangerous, but Ah don’t trust ya yet. Why would a diamond dog travel alone? Y’all are always in your caves.”

Shit, this is the Element of Honesty. Does that mean she can detect if I’m lying?

“I always different. Don’t like having slaves, makes Garrosh feel bad. One day, I free slaves. Pack knows it was me, I banished. I want to find new pack, diamond dog without pack is nothing,” I really hope she can’t detect lies.

“Ya really did that?” I nodded with enthusiasm, “well, that’s mighty brave and noble from you, but Ah can’t let you stay in mah farm, ya might scare the cows,” I used the puppy eyes again, “but Ah think my friends will find a place for you to stay. Ah will go to Ponyville with ya so ya don’t have no problems.”

She started walking and I followed her, but she surprised me by turning back and tackling me when I was close enough, pinning me down with a surprising amount of strength for a being that was half my size.

“Ah am going to trust ya,” she slowly said, “but if ya do something bad to anypony ya will be in deep trouble, understood?” I nodded frantically, “good.”

She released me and continued walking as if nothing had happened. I was worried, but I decided to follow her anyways. Do ponies trust Applejack enough to accept my presence? Moreover, what do ponies think of diamond dogs in general? Are they even considered persons with rights, or little more than animals? Agh, I should have learned about all these things before doing this.
I was so focused on my thoughts that I didn’t notice we had already left the farm and Ponyville was on sight. I noticed it when we were about to reach the first houses.

“I fear going to pony town, feels weird,” I simply said.

“Don’t ya worry none, it will be fine.”

The ponies who saw me talked between themselves in whispers while casting sideways glances toward us, but that was something I expected. I felt like a tourist in a city full of monuments, trying to see everything before the tour was over. I recognized some of the buildings from the show, as well as some background ponies. Is that Lyra? Now I want to know if her hands/human fetish is real or just something made up by us. I saw that we were going to Twilight’s library, and everyone knows that Twilight is best pony, so I was practically beaming with delight. There was another thing I noticed while following Applejack, which is really embarrassing to admit: I found some of these mares attractive! I had never been into clopping before, but now I suddenly thought about mares like I thought about women back home. I managed to repress those thoughts until I had time to deal with them, the part of my mind that thought “Oh god gross! I’m not gonna fuck a pony!” winning the battle (for now).

“Alright, this is Twilight’s,” said Applejack, “Ah think she’s the best suited to take care of ya, Ah’ll introduce ya to her and Ah’ll be on mah way.”

“I thank you, strong pony,” I said with real gratitude. She’s just like in the show, honest and dependable.

She knocked on the door and we waited until a purple baby dragon which I, and probably you too, knew as Spike, opened it.

“Hey Applejack, what are you-” he paused when he saw me, “watch out! There’s a diamond dog behind you!”

“Calm down, Spike. This is Garrosh, he was exiled from his pack and got lost in the Everfree. Ah believe he’s a good fella, so Ah thought Twilight could find a place for him to pass the night.”

The baby dragon shrugged and let me in, “Twilight! We’ve a guest!” he shouted.

“I’ll be there in a moment!” a female voice I knew too well answered.

“Ah have work to do in the orchard, so Ah’ll be leaving now,” she said as she closed the door behind us.

We looked at each other for a few seconds, until I decided to say something.

“You be Spike, right?”

“Yes...” he said, still uncomfortable around me.

“You very small dragon. Never seen dragon so small.”

“I’m not small, I’m young!”

“Why you have no wings?” I had always wanted to know the answer to that.

“Well, you see, some dragons-” he was interrupted by Twilight’s timely arrival. Shit! I wanted to know that!

“Spike, step back! I’ll take care of this!” she said as she galloped downstairs, her horn already glowing.

“Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait!!!” we both said in unison, Spike waving his arms while I covered my face.

“Huh?” she said, the glowing disappearing.

“I mean no harm to ponies! I come with strong pony! You tell her!” I asked Spike while I took cover behind a couch, scared of Twilight’s magic. What if her magic breaks my transformation? I can’t risk it!

“He’s right, Applejack brought him here and told me that he’s nice and he needs a place to pass the night.”

“Why would she bring him here?” the purple unicorn asked, clearly confused, “she has plenty of room in the farm.”

“Strong pony said I may scare cows,” I added from behind the couch.

“You can come over here, I promise I won’t hurt you,” I did as I was told, “okay, what’s your name?”

“Garrosh,” Man, I am already sick of this name. I should have gone with Balto.

“Nice to meet you, I am Twilight Sparkle. Why are you in Ponyville?”

“Long story. I don’t like slaving. I free slaves. I exiled. Now I travel.”

“You came all the way over Gem Fido to Equestria alone?”

Yeah, I don’t know where or what that is, so I’ll just nod like an idiot.

“Why would you come here of all places?”

Know what? I’m tired of speaking like an idiot, and it’s harder than it looks like.

“Well, I heard one can find diamond dogs in these lands, and so far away from Gem Fido the chances of them knowing I was exiled are next to zero, so I chose Equestria.”

“What the... Why are you suddenly speaking properly?” she asked.

“I have found that ponies are even warier of me when I speak like this. I think your kind feels safer if you think you are dealing with someone less intelligent. You promised you wouldn’t hurt me, so I guess I can drop that so we can have a proper conversation.”

“This is great!” said Twilight after a few moments of deliberation, “I have so many questions about diamond dogs!”

So adorkable! Wait, questions? Oh shit, I don’t know jackshit about diamond dogs!

“Can’t it wait? I have just left the forest you call Everfree where I almost got eaten by a manticore, so I am really tired.”

“Alright,” she said, unable to hide her disappointment, “you said you want a place to rest, is that what you are going to do? Sleep all day?”

“Both the ponies out there and me would be uncomfortable if I decided to take a walk, so I was thinking I could read the newspapers.”

“You can read, too?” she asked with a cocked eyebrow, “why all the weird ones come to Ponyville?” she said to herself, so I ignored it.

“I haven’t been in civilization for two months, do you have some kind of monthly or weekly newspaper here? I would like to know what are you ponies up to.”

“I always keep all the numbers of The Equestrian Observer for the last three months. It is a weekly newspaper,” she replied.

“That’s good... Libraries are free, right? I have no money.”

“Yes, you can read anything you want for free. I will bring the newspapers now.”

I knew I was walking on thin ice, acting as a diamond dog when I had no idea about them. I wondered when would they decide I was a changeling.

“Spike, baby dragons eat gems too, right?”

“Yeah, why do you ask?”

“I am a bit hungry, and I don’t think ponies will be happy if I eat meat. For all I know, I could be eating their friends. Where can I find free gems?”

“Well, there’s a place with many gems, but it’s already occupied by a pack of diamond dogs.”

“That’s bad, if they find me taking gems from their territory it won’t be pretty. Are they friendly to you?”

“They are a bunch of jerks!” Spike exclaimed, “they took Lady Rarity and forced her to pull a cart in their mines!”

I facepalmed, “and here I hoped it would be easy to find a pack in Equestria that didn’t resort to slavery.”

“Here are the newspapers,” said Twilight as she dropped them behind us with her magic, “be careful with your claws around them, they aren’t books but still they are public material.”

“You mean to tell me you are afraid of my claws damaging the paper when ponies without magic turn pages either with their mouths or their hooves? Now that I think about it, how do you ponies do most things only with your hooves and mouth?” She gave me an exasperated sigh.

“I have been trying to find how we do things with hooves since that crazy alien griffin asked me the same question. I still don’t know the answer.”

“Crazy alien griffin?” Dafuq? Is that something from Season 3 which has already happened or something?

“You will read about him in those,” she pointed at the newspapers, “I have to leave and do some chores. Spike, I leave you in charge.”

Spike saluted as Twilight left us while I took the oldest publication. This will take many hours, I should do something chaotic now or I may go mad again. I know, let’s troll Spike! I began reading, waiting for a proper situation to troll Spike. I read a lot of weird shit in the newspapers, like reports of changelings, a winged wolf, a pirate griffin named Griffin that travelled around on a flying ship with laser guns, a lot of weird creatures attending to the Grand Galloping Gala, where they ended up fighting against Nightmare Moon who possessed an earth pony while a black teen dragon beat and kidnapped Princess Luna?! What the fuck am I reading.
I had my opportunity to troll Spike when he picked up a book and left it on its place in the bookshelves. I waited until he turned his back on it and made it fall with my magic.

“Huh?” he said, confused, but he put it back on its place. Then I made it fall again.

This time he growled while he put it back. I made it fall again.

“Why are you making so much noise?” I asked, trying to sound annoyed, “I’m trying to read here.”

“It’s this book, it keeps on falling off!” he exclaimed.

“Maybe there’s a mouse in there?” I asked, faking curiosity.

“Shh! If a mouse is eating the books Twilight will be REALLY mad!” he said, nervous.

“Just take a look in there, it might not be a mouse,” I suggested.

He did as I told him, and when his right eye was between the two books I tried to make him see a jack-in-the-box sprouting out. Unfortunately, dragons had a bigger resistance to magic than I expected, so I almost changed into draconequus to complete the spell. I decided I should keep on reading after that.

“There’s nothing in there,” said Spike. I answered with a shrug.

I had already seen all the front pages, and luckily I had not seen myself in them, so I started looking through the insides of each number. Twilight came back an hour later with her saddlebags filled with who knows what. It was then that I found an article about me.

The front page of that number showed a griffin giving Celestia, and the headline, 'Sir Griffin North declares Princess Celestia as 'Best Pony' after knighting ceremony faux pas. See page 3 for more details.' This is the first time in my life I feel grateful because people (and ponies) pay more attention to gossip than to catastrophes.

My train of thought was interrupted when I felt a source of chaos energy so vast that I started chattering. Whatever it was it was approaching the library. I felt that, if I could somehow acquire such power, I would be able to conquer Equestria, make Discord my bitch and force Shay Nimrod to send me back to Earth without breaking a sweat. That chaos powerhouse opened the door and the next thing I saw was a pink blur in front of me.

“Ohmygoshadiamonddogwhatareyoudoinghere?waityouaren’tameanieareyou? BecausethatwouldbebadohbutiseeyouarereadingthenewspaperandSpikeisthereandnoponyispanickingsoyoumustbenicesotheniguessishouldsayhimynameisPinkiePiewhatsyourname?”

“What?” I hadn’t understood a single thing, and even if I was sure it was Pinkie Pie, I had yet to have visual confirmation, as she kept on bouncing around me too fast, “Spike! How do you turn this off?!”

“Pinkie, you are scaring him,” he deadpanned.

The pink blur slowed down until it became a pink earth pony.

“Hi! My name is Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?” she said, this time slow enough for me to understand her.

“Hello, I am Garrosh,” I said while I tried to find a way to take a bit of her energy. Normal ponies only produced chaos energy when they were trolled, but Pinkie Pie was constantly emanating it, giving me enough energy to compensate what I spent feeding my body. I could only guess how much power she would give me if I trolled her.

I was so focused on finding a way to taker her energy that I didn’t realize I had grabbed her and was physically inspecting her.

“Hey! That is a private party area!” she said, breaking my concentration and making me acknowledge that I was grabbing her by the tail and looking at her ‘private party area’.

I dropped her and turned red behind my fur.

Must-not-think-about-THAT...

LOL crotchboobs. Dat ass, nice plot, candy vag.

Fuck you brain!

Luckily for me, doing that counted as trolling, so she released a burst of energy that I greedily took.

“Eh... Sorry? I wanted to make sure you were a real pony, never seen something move so fast,” I said when I noticed she was waiting for an apology.

She gave me her trademark huge smile, “it’s alright, I forgive you!”

Hnnnnnnnnng, so cute! Wait, what’s that?

I felt that part of her chaos energy was being directed somewhere else. It was the first time that something like that had happened, I had always been able to take all the energy in my surroundings. I began following the energy current, leaving the library.

“Hey! Where are you going?” asked Spike, but I was too focused in following the energy to reply.

I followed the flux around the library to a nearby bush. I was about to peek inside when a squeaky hammer hit me strong enough to break my jaw.

“I have been waiting for you,” a female voice said, “father will be pleased when I destroy you.”

The blinding pain was combined with a blinding pink light that blocked all my other senses, the only thing I could feel was the powerful magic that was enveloping me.

Wait, what’s that? Shit, I’ll have to leave this in a cliffhanger.

3: Grotesquely Mary Sueish

Whatever I think I saw is gone now. Shit, I hoped to find a way out of this. I guess I can only wait, so I will continue with my story in the meanwhile.

I felt a powerful magic enveloping me, and I was teleported to a grassy hill, from where Ponyville was a small spot in the distance. In front of me was a pinkish mare with a violet and white mane. Her eyes were purple with a white spiral instead of pupils, and her cutie mark was a baseball and a screw. She also had a beanie with a propeller on top which allowed her to fly around. I turned back to draconequus, the pain in my jaw disappearing to my relief.

“This should be far enough, a chaos battle is no place for the Elements of Harmony,” the earth pony said.

“Screwball?” I asked.

“You know my name, huh? You must be one of those bronies father warned me about,” she said with anger, “pray to your divinities, for your life is about to end.”

“Look, I don’t know what your deal is, but I don’t want to get involved. I just want to find a way back home,” she laughed when I said that.

“You know nothing, Havoc. You are but a chess piece in a larger game, and your master won’t allow you to leave the chessboard until you win or you die.”

“That’s two game of thrones references already... Anyways, I don’t believe you, there must be a way for me to return home. And if there isn’t, I will just live here and enjoy it.” It can’t be that hard, can it?

“You are fooling yourself if you think that. Now prepare to die.”

“You really want to kill me? You are just a weird pony, and I am a freaking draconequus!” I exclaimed, ready to release the frustration I had bottled up against the universe on her.

“You are just a draconequus minor, and I am Discord’s harbinger!” she said, and then she attacked.

She had somehow been hiding her chaos energy from me, as I could only feel it when she used it. Or maybe it’s not something I can feel like Pinkie’s chaos. I didn’t feel energy coming from Twilight Sparkle, either. She conjured a bazooka that fired confetti towards me. A knowledge I didn’t knew I had told me that the apparently harmless projectile would severely drain my magic reserves, and how to stop it. I conjured a party hat that protected me from the assault, as nothing happened when the confetti touched my skin. Then I attacked with a soda siphon, that she drank wholly.

To the untrained eye, all of those things would look like we were playing, but that’s the deal with fights between two chaos users. I will try to explain it: when two creatures that use chaos magic fight each other, the fight is double. On the one side, there’s the normal fight, in which you try to kill the opponent by normal means, on the other side, there’s the chaos part. Doing something chaotic against your opponent will do real damage if he’s unable to come up with an appropriate counter. That is why the way to win is to be more unpredictable and better at improvising than your opponent, so you can reduce his magic reserves until you can kill him with a normal attack. Of course, I wasn’t fully aware of all of that at the moment, I was just following my instincts and hoping they would lead me to victory.

We started a pie fight, both of us summoning them and throwing them at each other. Her smaller frame gave her advantage, but I managed to get close enough to her while blocking her pies with my own to maul her with my right arm. The deep wounds on her belly healed a few seconds later, leaving part of her body soaked in blood but intact.

“Impossible! When did you learn to fight chaos with chaos?!” she asked.

“I have no idea,” in fact, I had never gotten myself in a serious fight back on Earth, so I was as surprised as her. “Surrender already and I won’t hurt you.”

“You really think you can win?” she said, then she started laughing like a maniac, “IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZER!”

She opened her mouth more than it should be physically possible and fired a huge blue laser. I tried to avoid it, but I was too slow and it vaporized a third of my left arm off. Luckily, my ent arm was almost insensitive to pain and could regrow, so I sped up its regrowth with magic. Doing so severely reduced my mana, but I still had enough to keep on fighting. I threw a blue book with a white f on the cover to her face, but she summoned a blue tweeting bird that stopped it midair. She summoned a shotgun that fired piranhas, but I created a cauldron full of boiling water and forced them to fall in it, then I opened a blue portal, stuck my finger inside, and it exited through an orange portal in front of the shotgun, blocking the barrel. Screwball opened fire and the shotgun’s barrel exploded in her face, blackening it. She cleaned herself and positioned herself to launch a kamehameha, so I imitated her position.

“KAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEHAAAMEEEEEEEEEEE” we shouted in unison, “HAAAAAA!”

Two huge energy waves, hers pink and mine blue, collided midair. The logical thing would have been to continue pouring energy into them until one of us won the struggle, but this was a chaos battle and that would have destroyed my magic reserves in seconds. That is why I stopped my attack and teleported behind her. I concentrated my cosmos in my hands, making the positions of the stars of the Pegasus Constellation, finishing just as Screwball stopped her attack and noticed me.

“Pegasus meteor fist!” I shouted, and I punched her a hundred times in a second. I can’t believe this shit is working, I just used a Ki attack from Dragon Ball and a Cosmo technique from Saint Seiya and I didn’t even waste energy!

She was hit by the first barrage of attacks, but suddenly she had a golden armor and dodged them all.

“You have not unlocked the seventh sense, bronze knight! Your sonic speed attacks are nothing to somepony like me, that can move at the speed of light!” she said while she dodged, her armor disappearing as soon as my attack ended.

Luckily for me, she could only move so fast to avoid my previous attack, or else I would be screwed. I flew back and materialized a katana.

“BANKAI!” I shouted, and my katana turned into a black blade with an inversed swastika for a handle.

“Getsuga Tenshō!!!” I said, slashing the air with the blade. A black wave of energy flew towards Screwball, who shouted “Rasengan!” and created a ball of energy on her hoof that splitted my attack in two, leaving her unscathed.

An instinct told me that doing more anime-based attacks would be predictable and non-chaotic, so I wouldn’t be able to perform more of them in the same fight. But I want to do ‘Za Warudo’!

I changed my strife specibus to ‘hammerkind’ and appearified a pogo hammer, as well as Thor’s hammer. I dual wielded them against Screwball, who blocked my homestuck attack with Gordon Freeman’s crowbar, then she used FusRoDah on me.

The battle dragged on, neither of us gaining advantage over the other, and it seemed like we would never run out of magic (or imagination (or stupid attacks (or time before we were noticed (now that I think about it, how come nopony noticed our fight? It was rather conspicuous with all the energy attacks and explosions)))) until she created a pink barrier and began conjuring something powerful. The amount of power she was spending on whatever she was doing was much more than I had ever had before, which made me realize she probably had a point when she said I couldn’t win. Wait, she’s SPENDING energy, so it’s not a chaos attack, what is she up to? The energy formed a black sphere in front of her, which slowly took the shape of a pony almost as big as Celestia. Wings and three horns sprouted from the black mass, followed by a mane and a tail. The blackness became more compact and suddenly it turned into flesh.

An alicorn was facing me now. An alicorn I knew about, for I suddenly remembered that I was his creator. Back on Earth, I had written a satirical fic in which my really crappy OC defeated his sisters Celestia and Luna because they had banished him to deep space to fight Cthulhu, had Fluttershy as his waifu and did everything a Mary Sue would, killing all the main villains at the same time forever without flinching included. He was a black and white alicorn, with an alicorn horn plus two bullhorns. His wings were leathery, he had carnivore teeth and his red eyes had slitted pupils. He also wore some kind of regalia on his hooves. He didn’t have a cutie mark, as he had erased it from his flank with his eldritch powers because he considered himself too dark and cool to have one. He was Black Hole, worst OC ever.

“Fear not, Equestria!” he exclaimed with his deep, booming, sensual, annoying voice, “for I, Grand Prince Sephirothas Griffingarion Serenity Truenis Raven Crimsonwing Darkshadow Daisuke Emerentius the Second, Black Hole for mortals, Celestia and Luna’s long lost half-brother, have returned from dark space to slay this wretched creature!” As soon as he said that, I started hearing music coming from his body.

“No way,” I said, “you can’t have enough power to create an alicorn stronger than Luna, Celestia, Nightmare Moon, Chrysalis, Discord and Tirek together. Moreover, you shouldn’t even be able to create life like that, isn’t that something reserved to gods or something?” I felt more mad at her than afraid. We have been fighting on the same level, and now she’s created a freaking alicorn to fight me! Not fair!

“He doesn’t need to be as powerful as you made him in your imagination to wipe the floor with you. He is not a chaos creature, so you won’t be able to fight against him like you did against me, you have lost.”

Black Hole didn’t seem to notice how Screwball ruffled his mane as she said that. He started charging an energy beam with his horn, giving me just enough time to conjure a mirror. The beam was reflected and signed Screwball’s tail. The laser beam had been powerful but not overwhelming. I felt a bit relieved when I realized that he couldn’t be stronger than the energy spent on creating him, which was ‘only’ ten times what I had at the beginning of the fight. Well, I’m fucked... Wait, I gave this fag a weakness, I might survive if I exploit it.

I ran away from them, countering Screwball’s chaos based attacks and avoiding Black Hole’s beams and Mary Sueish gravitational magic at the same time. I hoped I was heading in the right direction, as their attacks would eventually overwhelm me at this rate. I finally saw my goal: a small cottage near the forest. I flew through a window, crashing against a birdhouse. I looked around and saw a yellow pegasus mare with a pink mane staring at me in shock.

“Sorry!” I said before I used my mind manipulation on Fluttershy, making her forget she had seen me. Ugh, I will be hated by so many bronies if they ever find out what I am about to do.

When Black Hole came in, I made Fluttershy see a mean fox torturing her bunny, Angel, (the real Angel was kicking me where my balls should be if my body had them, I hate him so much) and changed her shyness into anger.

“HOW DARE YOU?!” she screamed as she used The Stare on the alicorn.

“Fluttershy, my love, what is wrong?”

“You will cease right now and apologize!”

Black Hole’s will was being crushed by the power of The Stare, so he teleported away before being totally subdued. Fortunately, the music left with him. I have never liked Muse.

“What have you done to him?!” screamed Screwball as she came through the window I had broken. I sicked Fluttershy on her.

I knew Black Hole would eventually return, and they would find a way around Fluttershy. Also, I feared what kind of cosmic imbalance I would cause if they killed or hurt Fluttershy, who might not be best pony but I was fond of her. I took Screwball, trapped her in a bubble gum and left the cottage, only then releasing Fluttershy’s mind. I kicked the bubble gum containing the still dazed pony as far as I could, then I left in the opposite direction.

I flew in my dragon form as fast as I could until I was too tired to continue. My magic reserves were on critically low levels, as I had wasted the last of my mana on healing my body so I could sprint for two hours. I estimated that I had covered around 500 kilometers, and something in my mind told me that I had left Equestria. Later I realized that there was a lack of ambiental magic, something that I hadn’t noticed in Equestria because it had been always there.

“Shit dude, that was crazy,” I told myself, wheezing as I turned back to draconequus, “I need to find a way to refill my magic reserves.”

I lied down and took a little nap to recover my energies, as I doubted they would find me after putting so much distance between us. I had been sleeping for less than thirty minutes when something falling on me woke me up. It was a heavy net and it would take me some time to get out of it.

“We caught monster!” something with a gruff voice said behind me, then I heard howling. Well, isn’t this convenient.

“Oh no! You caught me! Now I will have to grant you three wishes!” I lied as I turned to face three diamond dogs. Tricking these idiots is going to be easy as cake... I want some cake now.

“Three wishes?” said the one in the middle, who was the only one wearing armor and a spear.

“Yes, I am a faery chimaera. I am obliged to grant three wishes if I am caught. Who was the one who threw the net?”

“Me! Me!” said the one in the right, who was bigger than the others.

“Is that so? Because I will only grant wishes to one of you, the others will get nothing.”

As I expected, the three fought over that. Dance, puppets, dance! Hahahahahaha. The one in the left was soon killed by the armed one, who then fought with the big one. The fight was short but intense, and in the end the big one managed to unarm his opponent and stab him with his own spear. I gained a good amount of energy, but I knew I would need much more if I ever hoped to beat Screwball.

“I trapped you, I want wishes now,” the tired diamond dog said between pants.

“Come closer, my master, and all your wishes will be granted.”

He did as I told him, albeit with a bit of reluctance, and when he was close enough one of the vines that surrounded my ent arm jumped like a snake and touched his forehead. His black fur became gray and he looked at me funny. Now, evil laugh time! I laughed, but... Well, let’s say it wasn’t that much of an evil laugh. I changed to frog, leaped out of the net and changed back.

“Now, listen to me. I am a draconequus, the deadliest creature in this world. I have used my powers to change your personality, and you will do as I say unless you want to be killed. Understood?”

“Yes,” he said with fear, even if his eyes were saying “how can you have such a shitty evil laugh then?” to me.

“Good, tell me about yourself.”

“My name is Ruffus. I am a scout from Copper Depth.”

“What have I changed with my spell?”

“I am not entirely sure. I can speak fluently now, so you may have increased my intelligence. ...Which implies I was stupid before...” he added a bit downcast, “Apart from that, I don’t feel different, even if I am.”

“Tell me about your race. I want to know about your social organization, your culture, everything you know,” he looked surprised.

“That will take hours!”

“Then you may want to start as soon as possible.”

I learned a lot about diamond dogs from Ruffus. They were lead by an Alpha, who was the strongest member. The beta was the only one who could challenge the Alpha to a duel for leadership, and any member could challenge the beta. Like the headbands from Afro samurai. He also told me about their culture, their traditions and myths, social interactions, how they used slaves to dig in their mines for gems, their relationship with dragons, who often demanded a tribute of gems (or flesh) and they wouldn’t destroy the whole diamond dog warren in exchange, the differences between castes, the location of the nearest warrens and the most important ones, the little information he had about them, and much more. I have forgotten many of the things he said, but I guess I will remember them as I keep on telling my story to myself and whoever is listening.
It was already dark when he finished talking. I looked at the corpses of the other two dogs and asked him about them.

“The armed one was the leader of our group. We scouted the area looking for potential slaves. Whenever we capture one, one or two of us brings him to the warren. There must be always a diamond dog in this place to warn the others about dragons or other dangers.”

“Do you cannibalize your deads?”

“Only if the Alpha allows it in extreme circumstances, otherwise we bury them.”

“That’s all I wanted to know. Now I will turn you back to your normal self, and you won’t tell anyone about me. I will know and I can kill you even if you think you are safe deep inside your warren, understood?”

“Yes, I understand,” he said, gulping.

I returned him to normal and he left as fast as his legs could carry him. I wanted to laugh at him, but I remembered with embarrassment my previous failure of an evil laugh, so I just took the clothes of one of the dead dogs that would fit my diamond dog body and flew away. I had decided to infiltrate a warren with my diamond dog form, as Ruffus had told me that Granite Back accepted new members without asking many questions.

Get in there, feed on the energy that the slaves release because of their despair, become stronger than Screwball and Black Hole, beat them, ?????, profit.