“Well, that was boring,” Havoc said as he and a hundred recently knighted ponies walked out of the palace. He had struggled to stand still for the four hours of knighting ceremony, and now he felt like he was about to explode.

“Sun princess talks much,” agreed one of the few diamond dogs who had been knighted. “Makes head hurt.”

“Well, I thought it was a beautiful ceremony,” a green unicorn said. “It’s a great honor to be knighted by Princess Celestia herself.”

“Yep, we’re all knights of Equestria now. Sir Havoc has a nice ring to it. Maybe now you horses will show some respect.”

“Keep dreaming,” Cloudy Sunset said as she flew atop Havoc’s head and messed with his hair. “By the way, me and a couple of guys are going to have some fun in a pub a couple of blocks away. Will you and the mutts come?”

“Of course we will, won’t we?” he said as he elbowed the closest diamond dog, who grinned and nodded.

“We have fun later,” the dog said. “Now we find son of Alpha Drogur. He has message for dogs and you. You come with me.”

“Uh… sure?” Havoc said as he followed the dog through the crowd of ponies. As they walked, the other diamond dogs joined them, and soon Havoc found himself walking through empty corridors with five diamond dogs. Eventually, they reached an anodyne door and one of them knocked on it.

“Come in,” a gruff voice ordered from the other side.

Behind the door, Havoc found Gwar and Princess Luna sitting on armchairs and drinking tea. The dogs kneeled as soon as they saw her, one of them pulling Havoc down so he would also kneel.

“Ah, here are our newest knights,” Luna said. “This is my cue to leave. We’ll continue tomorrow after the sunrise, if it suits you.”

“It does, Queen Moon,” Gwar said, bowing his head as Luna left the room. Only after she was outside and the door was closed did he turn to face Havoc and the dogs. “It’s been a long time since we last smelled each other, Havoc.”

“True, true. You’ve grown a lot since last time. Your father told me you had outgrown him, but I thought he was exaggerating. Are you taller than your uncle, maybe?”

“Not yet. Take a seat, all of you. There are some things you must know, now that you’re knights. The first thing is that, as the first diamond dogs and whatever-you-are to ever be knighted, you’ll be under scrutiny at all times, so stay away from trouble. You-”

“What’s ‘scrutiny’?” one of the dogs asked.

“It means that many ponies will want to know everything you do just so they can point out all the bad things. You haven’t been knighted just for how good you are at fighting or how heroic you are. You are the first diamond dog knights because you have shown that you can make friends with ponies and behave like civilized individuals instead of rabid idiots. Yes, that’s why my father and I taught the five of you and a few others how to eat without grossing ponies out, how to talk like them and what you shouldn’t talk about,” Gwar stopped for a few seconds, until it became clear that none of them had questions. “The second thing is that each of you will soon be sent to an Equestrian city. Your mission there will be to ensure that there’s no bad blood between ponies and dogs, and to help any diamond dog who fears ponies won’t listen to his problems.”

Gwar continued talking about what the diamond dogs would have to do in their new positions. Basically, he wanted them to test just how ready pony society was to have diamond dogs both as citizens and members of their governing organisms, and to report any issues to Canterlot. Eventually, Gwar asked all of them to leave him and Havoc alone.

“So much has changed since the days when you lived in Granite Back,” he began, massaging his temples. “I’m not like my father, you know? All of this: diamond dog knights, Gem Fido united under a single flag, ponies and diamond dogs as friends and equals… This is his dream, not mine. All I wanted was to live in Granite Back and be the Alpha and lead or let my brother Marius boss around while I fight aspirants as the Beta. My father wants me to stay here and mingle with nobility to try to make them accept the idea of having diamond dogs among them.

This is what is going to happen: I’m going to return to Granite Back and rule the warren, now that my father is too busy to act as a proper Alpha for his own clan. Meanwhile, you will perform some of my duties here, until we find someone else. Queen Moon knows you well, and you are quite powerful on your own. So, you can ask her directly to deal with issues in which influence and political power are needed; and you can also use your own power if brute strength is the only solution. I’m not a fool, I know there are several ponies who simply hate diamond dogs for what we are. There might be times when the only thing stopping ponies from rioting and killing every dog they see is the fact that you can single handedly level the town. My assistant will get in touch with you soon, and she’ll help you in any way she can. Any questions?”

“Uh…”

“Great, you may leave now,” Gwar quickly said as he basically pushed Havoc out of the room before locking it.

Havoc stared at the door for a few seconds before muttering a single word: “Shit.”

The next morning, Havoc slept peacefully. After speaking with Gwar, he had found the place Cloudy Sunset told him about and proceeded to drink his weight in booze. He had hoped that alcohol would make him forget the fact that he had just been forced to become a key part of the plan to integrate diamond dogs in pony society, and that fucking up would have disastrous consequences. The Sun had just started to rise, so a giant bat spawned from the chaos in Havoc’s bedroom to cover the windows by spreading out its wings. The only disturbance in his sleep had been a terrible nightmare, but Luna had entered Havoc’s dream and destroyed the nightmare in mere seconds, only to leave after telling Havoc that if he decided to spend too much time with Plastic Pinocchio she wouldn’t get rid of the nightmares caused by his aura.

Everything was perfect, until a loud knocking on the front door woke Havoc up “I’m gonna fucking kill whoever woke me up,” he muttered as he crawled out of his afro american bed, make the bat disappear with a snap of his fingers and stuck his head out of the window so he could see who was at the door. The only thing he managed to glimpse was a pale blue tail moving into his house, and Screwball closing the door.

Groaning, he made his way towards the living room, listening to Screwball talk with the unknown pony. “Yeah, he’s hired me as a housekeeper because it’s really hard for him to clean and cook without leaving everything worse than it once was. It’s my first day so I don’t really know how weird he is or if I’m biting more than I can chew. We’ll see, I guess.”

“So you come here daily?” a very familiar voice, that Havoc knew he should recognise, asked.

“Sort of. You see, I’m from Ponyville and I just moved here, catastrophic events are just too common in Ponyville. I can’t really afford a house here, so part of my payment for working here is a room. A temporal arrangement while I save money and find somewhere else to live.”

“We’re saving so much money, it’s crazy,” Havoc said as he entered the living room. He could see Screwball (in her “non-chaotic” self) standing near a couch that faced away from him, where the unknown pony was probably sitting. “Isn’t that right, uh… What was your name, again?” he asked Screwball, wondering if she would use a fake name.

“My name’s Screwball, sir Havoc.”

“Right. Now, I would like to know who our early-rising guest is,” he added, walking around the couch to see. His mouth dropped open when he saw a female unicorn with a blue coat, pale blue mane and a cutie mark shaped like a magic wand casting a spell. For some reason, The Great and Powerful Trixie was in his house. “Silly Screwball, Trix are for kids! I can’t eat this.”

Screwball rubbed her forehead with a hoof, completely done with Havoc’s shit, while Trixie looked at him in confusion until he decided to continue speaking. “What’s The Great and Powerful Trixie doing here?”

“Ah… Trixie didn’t expect you to know about her, sir Havoc.”

“I’ve lived in Ponyville for some time, disguised as a pony, so I can’t help but wonder if you are planning to add draconequus major to your list of vanquished creatures by defeating a draconequus minor.”

“What?! Oh, no, nonono! Trixie will never again claim to have vanquished anything larger than a bathtub!” she quickly said. “Sir Havoc, Trixie knows that she didn’t make a good first impression in Ponyville, but Trixie’s here for a completely different matter. Lord Gwar told Trixie that he was leaving Canterlot, and that you will be replacing him for some time. Trixie’s here to assist you in any way she can.”

“YOU are Gwar’s assistant?” Havoc asked, incredulous. “How does one go from traveling magician to personal assistant of one of the most important diamond dogs in the world?”

“Trixie has dealt with diamond dogs before, in relatively non-hostile circumstances, which is more than most ponies can say. Gwar and Trixie met by chance on the road, and he recognised Trixie. He asked Trixie to work for him at Canterlot, and The Great and Powerful Trixie accepted his generous offer.”

“Well, if Gwar thought you were a good fit for this position, then so do I. Now, since you’ve come so early in the morning, I fear that there’s a lot you have to tell me. Screwball, please fetch us breakfast. I can’t think on an empty stomach.”

“Right away, sir Havoc.”

“Not for me, I already ate.”

Screwball soon returned with some of the brownies Havoc created the previous day, as well as a large vegetarian sandwich. She managed not to laugh when she saw Havoc rubbing the back of his head in frustration as Trixie explained just what he had gotten himself into.

“Trixie, let’s postpone the business talk until I’m done eating, alright?” Havoc asked. “Since you won’t have your mouth full, why don’t you tell me about yourself? If I’m going to work with you, I’d like to know you better.”

Trixie’s eyes sparkled at the idea of speaking about her favorite topic: herself. She didn’t talk about her origins, starting just after her second appearance in Ponyville. Apparently, she had continued living as a traveling magician until she decided to pull a magic show for a reclusive diamond dog clan that lived in the border between Equestria and Gem Fido. He supposed ability to detect gem prompted them to crown her as their queen, using powerful magic to force her to remain in their city forever. Only thanks to Rainbow Dash’s help did she manage to leave and resume her life. A few weeks later she met Gwar, and for the last two months she had been working for him

“Trixie does miss travelling and doing what her cutie mark tells her to, but it is nice to live in a real house and not worry about making ends meet, or even managing to get something to eat by the end of the day. Speaking of that, watching you eat has given Trixie a bit of a craving,” she added, picking one of the brownies and taking a bite out of it before Havoc could warn her. “Why are you looking at Trixie like that?”

“Those aren’t regular brownies, Trixie. I… sort of spiked them with my magic and I don’t really know what will happen to a pony after eating them.”

“You’re kidding, right?” she asked, and grimaced when he shook his head. “Trixie hopes you’ll take me to the hospital if I get sick.”

“You didn’t eat much so it should be fine, I think, and I should be able to just get rid of the effects as soon as they appear; so don’t worry about it and tell me about what I’m supposed to do.”

Trixie breathed deeply and then continued talking, seemingly unfazed. They had agreed to finish bringing Havoc up to speed in Gwar’s former office so he could take a look at the place when the spiked brownie started to affect Trixie. She screamed, frightened, as her hind legs and tail fused back into her torso, which then grew several times longer. At the same time, her skin was replaced by scales, and her tongue became forked. In just a couple of seconds, she had become some sort of pony-snake hybrid.

“Trixxxie hopesss thissss isssn’t permanent!” she exclaimed.

“This is so cool,” Havoc muttered. “I need to give these brownies to everypony.”

“Sir Havoc, please turn her back to normal,” Screwball asked. “She’s clearly in distress.”

Trixie was truly distressed, muttering obscenities whenever she moved her giant tail around. “Yesss, pleassse fixxx thisss.”

“Fine, fine.” Focusing, Havoc managed to discern Trixie’s natural magic from the chaos magic that was altering her body. He found that nothing was trying to stop him from taking this magic, so he did and Trixie turned back to normal instantly. “Well, now I know what happens to ponies who eat my brownies.”

“Don’t worry, Trixie!” Trixie said in a mockup male voice. “‘Havoc might be a draconequus, but he’s not a chaos-loving zealot and he won’t do anything weird to you!” Turning back to her real voice, she continued talking. “If you say so, Lord Gwar, then Trixie will give it a chance at helping him.”

“Well, I didn’t DIRECTLY mess with you. It was more of a happy accident.”

“One more ‘happy accident’ like that and I’m resigning.”

“Oh, come on! I really need your help, Trixie. Diamond dogs all over Equestria rely on me now, and if I fail at this both them and ponies will suffer for it. I can’t promise that accidents won’t happen here and there, it’s part of my nature no matter how much I try to avoid it. I promise I’ll do everything I can so you can’t tell the difference between working with me and working with anyone else, and when strange stuff does happen I’ll do my best to make it stop.”

Trixie remained silent for a few seconds, considering his words before replying. “Trixie thinks you are telling the truth. You know where Gwar’s office is, we’ll continue there at 4 pm. Trixie has decided that staying in your house is a terrible idea.”

“Well, this wasn’t the best of the first impressions, was it? See you later,” Havoc said as she walked out of the house.

“I honestly expected her to catch on fire after eating that,” Screwball said after Trixie was gone. “I can’t stand the way she talks.”

“Havoc doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

“At least she’s good at rock farming,” Diane said, coming out of seemingly nowhere. “And I think Maud and her were together last time Pinkie visited the farm, about a month before she created me. Sometimes I feel like trying to visit them with nopony noticing it wasn’t the original Pinkie Pie.”

“Wait, wasn’t Maud that autistic sister of yours who really, really likes rocks?”

“Yeah, that’s her. She’s such a softie, it’s totally like her to fall madly in love with Trixie.”

“... If you say so. Hm… Now that you mentioned visiting your family, I think you and I should talk to Celestia and Luna. Moonbutt knows about you, so Sunbutt probably does too. We could ask them to tell Twilight and the others about you, so you can visit them and all of those things you can’t do just in case Twilight decides to murderzap you back to the Mirror Pool.”

“No,” Diane said, no longer cheerful. “Part of me likes the idea, but it would make things worse. Going back to Ponyville with my family and friends would be great, and at first I would love it. But, in the end, I would become The Fake Pinkie Pie, and I would always live under the original’s shadow as a reminder of an error she once made, like an ugly scar. I like it in Trottingham, and I want to continue living there. Someday I’ll reveal myself, but it won’t be anytime soon. I fear I’m still too similar to the original Pinkie Pie. I want to be myself, not somepony else’s copy.”

“Looks like you’ve thought this through already,” Havoc wondered, and Diane nodded in confirmation. “Then I only ask one thing: invite me to the ‘I have found I have a twin sister’ party.”

“I Pinkie Promise,” she said, smiling.

“Alright, enough of the emotive stuff for me,” Screwball said. “Havoc, yesterday I met with some of the ponies I used to play baseball with before Discord’s release. I’ve convinced them to play again regularly for old time’s sake, and as a way for us to get a healthy dose of exercise. I thought I had lost my shape, but I swear some of them look like they are half manatee already. I also might or might not want to socialize with ponies instead of just you and Discord. I’ll be back for lunch, maybe. You’ll manage without me.”

“Uh… Alright. Have fun.”

When she was done, Diane turned to face Havoc. “You really need to speak with her before it’s too late.”

“What do you mean?”

“Trust me on this: she’s at the brink of breaking.”

“What? Why? Are you two trying to prank me or what?”

“I’m the one with the ‘making ponies happy’ cutie mark, but I’ll explain it so you understand. Screwball was already pretty messed up in the head. A pony who spends most of her childhood and adolescence working for the legendary Spirit of Chaos in exchange for magic is already weird. Then Discord breaks free and turns her into what she is now. You’ve told me many times how chaos magic twists the way you think, and how sometimes it’s really hard for you to think like a normal person. She’s probably going through the same thing. Then take into account that she sees Discord as a fatherly figure, and he’s probably not returning those feelings as he should. He also probably twisted her into hating harmony, order and all things non-chaotic. Then he ordered her to kill you, and Celestia knows what else she’s done in his name.

And, suddenly, Discord breaks free again and decides that we ponies are cool and that friendship is magic. And he tells her exactly that, and to live with you even though you two almost killed each other twice, and that she can’t be seen by anypony save for you and himself. Then she had to spent several months as your shadow, her only social life being talking to you, even if you two still hated each other. Then you become friends so the arrangement becomes more bearable, and now you two are pretty much play-dating.

Do you really think that all these drastic changes aren’t taking their toll on her? Why do you think she’s gone to play with these old friends of her? She’s trying to force herself to forget about her problems by staying away from them. At this rate it’s a matter of time before she just runs away, has a meltdown and tries to kill anything on sight, or grows hateful against you and Discord and depressed because he used her as a tool for which he never had any love.

You need to speak with her, and help her solve her issues. I know because I was in her position, back when we first met. Sometimes what you need the most is just to have something listen to your problems and tell you that everything will be alright. She needs to come to terms with the fact that Discord is neither the father she never met nor a proper replacement, and that many of the beliefs Discord taught her are plain wrong.”

“I- I never thought… She always… Shit, I think you’re right… How have I managed without you for so many months?”

Diane shrugged. “Knowing you, you probably just focused on the fighting and neglected pretty much everything else.”

“I think that I need to speak with Discord first. He has to see Screwball under this new light, and realize that she needs his help, too. But maybe he won’t listen to me…”

“Have Fluttershy help you,” Diane suggested. “Visit her, or have her and Discord come here. I’m sure you’ll come up with a good reason. She won’t dismiss your words and, knowing that somepony is suffering, she won’t stop until Discord does the right thing.”

“I’ll come up with a reason for her to visit. Maybe wanting to spend time getting to know all of the element bearers one by one in a casual setting without drama or violence or impending doom.”

“Start tomorrow with Fluttershy. I’ll leave that morning so there’s no risk of her seeing me. The sooner you do this, the better for everypony involved.”

“Help me write Fluttershy a letter. This is too important and I want you to make sure I won’t fuck up.”

“I’ll read it when you’re done, but I’m sure you won’t ‘fuck up’,” she said, hugging him. “If you honestly put your heart into it, everything will be alright.”

Havoc returned the hug, deciding not to ruin it with an unfunny one liner.