Princess Luna is Rad, Yo!

by TheTwientist

Chapter 1: Oh Dear Faust No

"Thou dost not understand the difficulty!" insisted Luna, pacing around the inside of Celestia's parlor.

"Nonetheless, I think it would be best if you at least tried to speak modern Equish," replied Celestia firmly.

"But I hast tried, truly!" insisted Luna. "I have even stopped using the Royal Canterlot Voice!"

"I appreciate your effort," said Celestia, showing no sign of relenting. "But you need to keep going."

"Thou dasn't understand!" pouted Luna. "I have been away a thousand years! It's hard!"

"Luna, you are reminding me of those unpleasant years of Cadance's puberty. If you continue, I shall have to take away your night light."

Luna froze in place. "Thou wouldst not dare-" she hissed.

"I would indeed dare," said Celestia serenely. "And I am not trying to be cruel, sister. You should choose a suitable tutor, and learn the ways of modern speech. It's not that hard, surely."

Luna stared deep into her sister's eyes. This would have killed any normal pony, for they shone with the intensity of the sun, but Luna was made of sterner stuff. But Celestia's eyes conveyed no pity, only firmness.

"It's as if thou art trying to ruin my life!" Luna sighed. She got up, fuming, and trotted out the door, making sure to slam it behind her.

"Well, that went about as well as I could've hoped," murmured Celestia, returning to her tea.

Luna was in a towering rage as she stomped her way back up to her tower. How dare she try to run our life! she fumed, switching back to using the royal "we". She is a tyrant! A foul, maniacal tyrant!

As she strode down the hall, the guards rushed to put out the burning portraits she left in her wake.

At last, she reached her warm, cozy room, reassuringly bedecked with fifty shades of purple, blue and black (but not gray, which was a rather boring color).

Throwing herself onto her canopy bed, Luna tried to think of somepony who could tutor her.

Somepony in the castle? No, we would die of embarrassment.

A Canterlot local? Our voice is screwed up enough as it is. We daren't pollute it any further with their strange, upper-class accents.

Somepony from outside the city, then? Perhaps. But we do not have any contacts outside these fair walls. Except . . .

An idea sprang into her mind. Across the castle, Celestia had a strange, momentary sense impending doom.

A few hours later, Celestia was on her fifth cup of tea when Cadance burst into the room.

Rolling her eyes, Celestia turned to her naive, idealistic niece. "What is it?"

Cadance was gasping for breath. "Luna . . . voice . . . jive, oh Faust, the jive!" She collapsed to the floor and fainted.

Celestia tilted her head with interest. This wasn't something you saw every day.

At that moment, the castle shook. It was a low, dull rumble. Several books fell off the shelf.

That couldn't have been an earthquake, Celestia pondered. But then what was it?

The rumble came again, but louder. More books fell off the shelf, and then, to Celestia's horror, her gilded silver teapot. It hit the ground with a dull clatter.

Celestia is not the type of pony to be enraged easily. But she was the type of pony who enjoyed a good cup of tea. And the gilded silver teapot had been a gift from the ambassador of the Griffonlands. It was worth more than half of Ponyville. And it was self-filtering!

"This just got personal," Celestia snarled. She stepped over her fallen niece and headed out the door.


Throwing open the doors to the hall, she froze in surprise. She had not done that in several centuries.

Luna was wearing sunglasses and a backwards baseball cap. She was standing in front of two enormous subwoofers.

"Yo, sis, what be jammin' in this house?" Luna called.

Celestia nearly dislocated her jaw.

"Fo shizzle, don't be a square," said Luna, striding towards her sister. "How you be likin' this thang?"

Celestia tried to raise her lower mandible. It went up about a millimeter, then dropped back down.

"Gimme one, sis!" said Luna, holding out her front hoof.

At last, Celestia found her voice. "What- what- what?"

"I done gone fixed my voice, my homie," said Luna. "Dig these mellow kicks! Blast it, girl!"

Another bass beat echoed through the castle. Several priceless vases fell to the ground.

The noise seemed to jar Celestia back to her old self. "What are you doing?" she screeched.

"Chill out, sis, I learned my letties, dig?"

Celestia had decided she was not going to take this nonsense anymore. "Am I to take that to mean that you consider this 'modern speech'?"

Luna paused to disect the sentence. After several moments, she shrugged and said, "Fo sho! You're really in there, you know that, brosef?"

"StopitstopitSTOPIT!" shouted Celestia. "I want the pony who taught these foul words to her, front and center!"

There was a colorful streak of light near one of the windows. With lightning-fast reflexes, Celestia magically grabbed it by the tail.

"Rainbow Dash," she said, dangling the struggling pegasus in front of her. "I see. And who's this?"

She snagged another pony who had been trying to hide behind the subwoofer. "And who might you be?" the princess asked.

"Vin-vinyl Scratch," said the white unicorn.

Celestia nodded. "And I imagine my sister asked you two to teach her how to speak normally?"

Rainbow Dash sighed and stopped struggling. "She just asked me," she said. "She was just asking a lot of questions about music, so I told her to go find Vinyl."

Celestia turned to face her sister. "You really thought Rainbow Dash was the best pony to teach you modern speech?" she asked skeptically.

"Sis, you're gettin' into a same beat groove here," said Luna. "I totes did."

That did it. "You two!" she shouted at Rainbow and Vinyl. "Get out!"

"But how will we get back? Luna teleported us here-"

Celestia opened a portal and shoved them through it. "Outoutout!"

"And now," the white alicorn continued, "I would like to talk to you, dear sister."

Luna suddenly felt very, very afraid.

"Would you like some more salt?" Cadance asked.

Luna nodded bitterly, then grabbed the shaker with her magic.

"You've been doing very well," said Celestia. "Who knows, I might even let you out in just a week, as long as you pay attention in your lessons."

If looks could kill, Celestia would have been fried.

"Oh, lighten up," said Celestia, giggling. Luna said nothing.

But then, she couldn't, really, because she was wearing a magic-resistant, tamper-proof gag. They did rather get in the way of a conversation.

When we get out of this thing, Luna scribbled on her communication chalkboard, the night will fo' sho' last forever.

The End.

This is . . . I don't know. I don't even know. It's random. I did it for fun. Please don't judge me.

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