The Snow on Her Cheek

Chapter Eighteen

The Thrill is Gone

***

There had been many heralds of awakening in Vinyl's life. There had been times when she would wake up to the feeling of coldness creeping down her spine, from a night spent out in the open air. There had been times when a sound of a foal's laughter would wake her, bringing a smile to her face. There had been times when she would awaken from the intense light, spread by the ever-warming rays of midday sun. Today, the harbinger of the morning was pain.

If the pianist were asked what the most terrible feeling in the world was, she would reply straight away: withdrawal. And now, it proved to be true once again. The white pony woke up from a terrible bone-shattering feeling that seemed to have entered her body through the very pores on her skin, dissipating inside the muscles and bones. Her body was shaking and sweat was pouring from her forehead. She didn't feel anything around her, the surrounding world cold and numb; she felt as if only her body existed in the world, and it had submitted to the only god and devil - to the everlasting, unmerciful, punishing pain. The pain overwhelmed everything: it was greater than frendship, greater than love, greater than life itself. No matter how hard Vinyl tried not to let such thoughts into her head, she couldn't help but agree that if it meant ending the torture, she would gladly give her own life for it; and... Octavia's life as well.

She didn't hear her own screaming. While her ears were being penetrated by the loud whines physically, her brain refused to connect the feeling with the realisation of the feeling. The darkness before her eyes was so vivid that, for a second, she thought that she was already blind, or even dead. But the dead couldn't feel; she could. She envied the dead in a way: they weren't able to undergo such torture. But then again, they couldn't feel love either. They couldn't enjoy the feeling of their loved one by their side, warming them up and supporting them all the way along the trail of life.

Suddenly, Vinyl felt a needle enter her vein. Buck! a thought rushed through her head, a thought both scary and ecstasic. Of course, she had given up the drug... but right now, she couldn't care less. However, she soon realised that the liquid entering her body wasn't buck: while it gave her gradual, albeit not complete, relief, it didn't provide the trademark hot bite that the drug was famous for; it didn't give the feeling of complete perfection, and supremacy; it didn't make her head split in four parts and reunite once again, no matter in what way. It just eased her pain, and nothing more.

The pianist opened her eyes and saw a nurse, or a doctor - her vision was blurry, and she failed to make out the details - who was slowly injecting her with some liquid from a syringe; though, it wasn't a usual syringe for buck, but instead a large one with an especially long and thin needle. What Vinyl did make out, however, was the silhouette of a particular grey pony standing at her side, patting her shoulder and stroking her mane; though, not in her usual loving manner, but in a bizarre restricted way, as if something prevented Octavia from unleashing... Of course! If Vinyl could hit herself right now, she would have gladly done so. They can't find out we're dating...

Suddenly, she saw the whole idiocy of it all: a ludicrous law preventing ponies from loving each other - what for? Raising population? But Equestria was full as it was. Maybe those ponies in the Parliament were simply afraid? Afraid of everything new; afraid of everything that could shatter the solid foundations of their conservative lives. Afraid of becoming useless; for, without need for such ridiculous laws, many of them would become useless.

"I'll leave you two alone," Vinyl heard the doctor (nurse?) say, and, with that, the door shut, and Octavia and she were left alone in the ward, the thick curtains preventing even the light from disrupting their privacy.

The visibly frightened cellist acted at once. Afraid of witnessing another show of withdrawal, but immensely glad that it was over, al least for now, Octavia leaned in and kissed Vinyl on the lips with love and passion. She had been waiting for so long, and didn't want anything to ruin the precious moment. The kiss washed away all her worries, all the terrible images that had appeared before her eyes the previous night that she, Octavia, had spent alone, thinking about her mare lying in the cold and unwelcoming hospital ward.

Vinyl returned the kiss meekly, bathing in the pleasure that, somehow, eased the pain even more than the medicine she had just been given. Right now, she felt so embarrassed of all the thoughts that had rushed through her head during the terrible withdrawal; but she knew they weren't true. Pain can make anypony think anything, or do anything. But the truth lay in a different area. The truth was that she loved Octavia with all of her heart, and, to save her life, to make her happy, she would gladly give her own.

"Good morning, love," Octavia whispered into Vinyl's ear, her heart beating faster at the sight of her lover - the most wonderful mare in the world, for whom she would do practically anything... No, simply anything. The grey mare smiled.

"Morning, Tavi," Vinyl replied, nuzzling her marefriend lovingly. "I missed you."

"I missed you too, love." Octavia embraced the white mare, holding her in her hooves, and prayed that this moment could last forever. "How are you doing?" she wondered, and immediately scolded herself for asking such a stupid question: of course Vinyl was far from feeling all right!

"Bad, Tavi," the unicorn admitted sadly, letting go of her cellist. "I can't stand it, Tavi. I need buck." Tears appeared in her red eyes as she admitted being weak, and unable to cope; but it didn't matter. She knew she couldn't win. She knew she had to surrender. Buck always wins, she reminded herself. The drug was far more powerful than her willpower.

"No, you don't," Octavia retorted. "The treatment has just begun. They have just cleansed your body of the chemicals; it is expected for you to feel worse than ever right now," she said sadly, repeating the same words with which the doctor had tried to calm her some minutes ago.

Vinyl shivered upon remembering the "cleansing process". She had laid strapped to her bed for hours, unable to move, watching the tubes connected to her neck rip her of her own blood and replace it with fresh, clean, unspoiled blood, which carried no signs of being infected by buck. It hadn't been painful. In fact, it'd just felt strange. But it had felt... cold. She had felt terribly cold throughout the whole process, and no extra blankets could help her deal with the feeling. Fortunately, she had fallen asleep eventually, and didn't remember the doctors disengage her body from the tubes.

"I know, Tavi." Vinyl blinked, trying to send the tears away; in fact, she had just made it worse, for her eyes now were full of salty water that made her vision even more blurry. "But I can't bear it, Tavi. I need buck. I really, really do. More than ever." She paused for a moment, looking into Octavia's eyes. "I love you, Tavi, more than anything in the world. But I don't know if I will survive without the drug."

"Of course you will!" the cellist exclaimed, trying to transmit the feeling of confidence to her mare, who just shook her head solemnly.

"I'm not so sure, Tavi. Listen... If you really love me..." She gulped, bracing herself. "I beg you... bring me just one dose. I know that your father knows some other dealers than that police officer..."

"He's dead now, by the way," Octavia said suddenly, her face bland, as if she were just stating the weather conditions. "I read in the newspaper."

"Good." Vinyl blinked, surprised by the fact that, apparently, that was the only thing that Octavia's ear had caught; and also slightly perturbed by the fact that her marefriend had taken the news so easily. Maybe that's because that guy had really tried to ruin our lives... she thought, feeling no pity for the dealer whatsoever. "But one mentioning of your name will seal the deal," she continued. "I know you can buy some buck."

Octavia frowned. "Vinyl, I know you feel terrible right now, but I am not going to make matters worse by buying more buck to poison you."

"Tavi..." the pianist pleaded. If she could get on her knees, she would have done so at once. "I love you, Tavi... If you love me, and I know you do... you'll buy me just one dose... one little dose to make me feel better. You want me to feel better, don't you?"

"I do." Octavia sighed and shook her head. "But I know that even one dose will make you feel worse, not better, love. I... just can't," she concluded.

Vinyl sighed. "Celestia knows I tried. I won't ask again. But when you come home today, and try to fall asleep, think about how I suffer here. Think about me, Tavi, and remember my plea," she said, her heart aching from what she was saying. "You know I love you so much that I'll do anything for you. Just... do what your heart tells you to do."

Octavia felt her eyes become teary as well. I do love Vinyl... But how can I? It will just make matters worse! I...can't! I simply can't! She looked at her lover, beaten down and worn out. Or... can I?

Vinyl's horn lit up, and she dragged Octavia into another kiss. "Whatever you do, Tavi, I will still love you," she whispered into her mare's ear. "I will always love you. But... think about what I said, all right?"

Octavia pondered for a moment. "I will always love you, Vinyl," she whispered back. "Always. And..." she sighed. "I will think about it."

Silence embraced the room, laying its blanket over the two mares, one tied to bed, and the other one fighting with her inner self, torn apart, unable to make a decision. Neither knew what to expect of the future, but both were sure of one thing.

She loves me, and I love her. And, for now, that's all that matters.